Just in case you forgot what the Armageddon movie poster looked like seven years ago, Cassaday attempts to make Elijah Snow look like Bruce Willis.
Planetary #23 (August 2005)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Scott Dunbier
My first thought (being that all of my first thoughts concern The X-Files) was that this cover was an homage to The X-Files. But then that whole Bruce Willis look-a-like thing was going on and I was all, "Oh shit. I remember this movie poster. This is that movie that the Non-Certified Spouse and I went to see in Omaha with our married couple friends and afterward, we walked out laughing our cynical asses off and making jokes about it while the other couple were both weeping." Was it because I'm a coastal elite that I thought the movie was vapid and ridiculous? Do I just not understand the common concerns of real America and their belief that an oil driller would sacrifice his life to save his daughter and also save the entire world and also be basically Jesus because working class people are way better than anybody who even sniffed at going to college? Was I too dumb to realize that Space Madness was actually a truly terrifying metaphor for Communism and also probably learning anything at all? Was growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area a form of brainwashing that enabled me to become too compassionate and open to acceptance and also able to read a movie like nobody's fucking business?! You know what I mean by read! I just said I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area!
I'll say this about the difference between the Bay Area and Lincoln, Nebraska: in the Bay, I never had some dimwit approach me thinking he was the wittiest motherfucker since Rosalind in As You Like It when he asked he asked me in a terrible Australian accent if I wouldn't mind removing my cap so he could get a look at my wicked mullet. Instead of kicking him in the balls like he deserved, I took my hat off to show him my outrageously beautiful full length locks. I also didn't tell him to come up with his own ideas because didn't some asshole on one of The Real World seasons proclaim himself as The Mullet Hunter? Mostly I just went on my way without saying one word to the idiot.
I'm not saying there weren't idiots, assholes, and fuck-ups in the Bay Area! My best friend growing up, Fireball the Well-Done Comedian, had an angry cousin who eventually became a skinhead (no surprise to any of us who played with him over those elementary school summers). His aggression was well-documented in the beginning of the movie, Enemy of the State, where he beats the shit out of his gay neighbor. I was once at a house party with this guy (Josh was his name. Nobody wanted him there. I guess he came with Fireball the Well-Done Comedian. If I remembered his last name, I'd put it out there. Of course, I think I've said enough about him that you could figure out who he is if you fucking cared about a giant skinhead asshole's identity) and his vibe and aura were fucking intense and the worst and everybody was just waiting for him to lose his shit. Which he eventually did, jumping up from his seat and throwing punches at my friend Carlos, the nicest fucking guy in the entire world. I'm not sure he landed any because we were all so on edge waiting for him to fucking explode that at least five guys jumped on him and threw him out of the house while telling Fireball to fucking take care of his fucking boy. Man I hated that guy!
Speaking of Fireball, he was the only kid I knew to have the extra-tall, alternate colored Snaggletooth Star Wars figure and it boggled my mind for two decades until the Internet finally came into existence and I found out where the fuck that thing came from. I'm sure I could have figured it out earlier but for those of you who didn't live in a time without an Internet, you'll just have to realize that we were pretty comfortable living with the unknown. It's probably why The X-Files was so huge.
Anyway, I guess this issue is going to be Drummer's origin story?
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Scott Dunbier
My first thought (being that all of my first thoughts concern The X-Files) was that this cover was an homage to The X-Files. But then that whole Bruce Willis look-a-like thing was going on and I was all, "Oh shit. I remember this movie poster. This is that movie that the Non-Certified Spouse and I went to see in Omaha with our married couple friends and afterward, we walked out laughing our cynical asses off and making jokes about it while the other couple were both weeping." Was it because I'm a coastal elite that I thought the movie was vapid and ridiculous? Do I just not understand the common concerns of real America and their belief that an oil driller would sacrifice his life to save his daughter and also save the entire world and also be basically Jesus because working class people are way better than anybody who even sniffed at going to college? Was I too dumb to realize that Space Madness was actually a truly terrifying metaphor for Communism and also probably learning anything at all? Was growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area a form of brainwashing that enabled me to become too compassionate and open to acceptance and also able to read a movie like nobody's fucking business?! You know what I mean by read! I just said I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area!
I'll say this about the difference between the Bay Area and Lincoln, Nebraska: in the Bay, I never had some dimwit approach me thinking he was the wittiest motherfucker since Rosalind in As You Like It when he asked he asked me in a terrible Australian accent if I wouldn't mind removing my cap so he could get a look at my wicked mullet. Instead of kicking him in the balls like he deserved, I took my hat off to show him my outrageously beautiful full length locks. I also didn't tell him to come up with his own ideas because didn't some asshole on one of The Real World seasons proclaim himself as The Mullet Hunter? Mostly I just went on my way without saying one word to the idiot.
I'm not saying there weren't idiots, assholes, and fuck-ups in the Bay Area! My best friend growing up, Fireball the Well-Done Comedian, had an angry cousin who eventually became a skinhead (no surprise to any of us who played with him over those elementary school summers). His aggression was well-documented in the beginning of the movie, Enemy of the State, where he beats the shit out of his gay neighbor. I was once at a house party with this guy (Josh was his name. Nobody wanted him there. I guess he came with Fireball the Well-Done Comedian. If I remembered his last name, I'd put it out there. Of course, I think I've said enough about him that you could figure out who he is if you fucking cared about a giant skinhead asshole's identity) and his vibe and aura were fucking intense and the worst and everybody was just waiting for him to lose his shit. Which he eventually did, jumping up from his seat and throwing punches at my friend Carlos, the nicest fucking guy in the entire world. I'm not sure he landed any because we were all so on edge waiting for him to fucking explode that at least five guys jumped on him and threw him out of the house while telling Fireball to fucking take care of his fucking boy. Man I hated that guy!
Speaking of Fireball, he was the only kid I knew to have the extra-tall, alternate colored Snaggletooth Star Wars figure and it boggled my mind for two decades until the Internet finally came into existence and I found out where the fuck that thing came from. I'm sure I could have figured it out earlier but for those of you who didn't live in a time without an Internet, you'll just have to realize that we were pretty comfortable living with the unknown. It's probably why The X-Files was so huge.
Anyway, I guess this issue is going to be Drummer's origin story?
Okay! So that's the explanation why Elijah said he was still looking for three of The Four when he spoke with Melanctha.
See? This is why you don't base your entire personality on calling out a writer's mistakes when you believe they've made one. First and foremost, you should assume no mistakes. Second, you ponder why the thing that you, as an observer of the piece of art, think is a mistake might not be one and what it says about the rest of the piece. I know far too many people who think deconstructing a text is creating a wedge where they can point out the artist's hypocrisy and then go whole hog on making that reality, even if, later, it's obvious why the "hypocrisy" exists in the piece. People stake so much on their own opinions and readings of a piece of art that they're often unable to ever truly see it for what it really is.
It's also possible Warren Ellis had to read hundreds of fan letters complaining about his "mistake" for a full year between this story and the Melanctha one. He was probably all, "Fine! Fuck. Now I have to explain myself because of all the idiots who are probably from America's heartland! Which, by the way, means 'the middle of the country' and not 'the heart and soul and people who understand the true meaning of democracy and freedom and Christianity', no matter how many New York Times editorial pieces try to convince everybody of it." That might not be an exact quote of Ellis's reaction to all the "I'm so much fucking smarter than Warren Ellis" fans who could bother to write an "A-ha! You fucked up!" letter to him.
It's also possible Warren Ellis had to read hundreds of fan letters complaining about his "mistake" for a full year between this story and the Melanctha one. He was probably all, "Fine! Fuck. Now I have to explain myself because of all the idiots who are probably from America's heartland! Which, by the way, means 'the middle of the country' and not 'the heart and soul and people who understand the true meaning of democracy and freedom and Christianity', no matter how many New York Times editorial pieces try to convince everybody of it." That might not be an exact quote of Ellis's reaction to all the "I'm so much fucking smarter than Warren Ellis" fans who could bother to write an "A-ha! You fucked up!" letter to him.
See? Drummer's a good deconstructionist. And he's modeling the right behavior to all the assholes who own pens and stamps and Warren Ellis's address.
Jakita and Drummer debate how much Elijah has changed with Jakita saying, "He's harder! Hee hee! And colder! Not hee hee!" But Drummer is all, "Look. My job is to know shit. So I know Elijah hasn't changed. He saved Jacob Greene by sending him out of the solar system on a ship containing multiple biomes. Maybe he didn't save all the creatures living there that Jacob Greene is going to fuck to death. But our name is 'Planetary' and not 'Alien Biomes Randomly Floating From Solar System to Solar System'. What I also know is what Elijah Snow's Century Baby job is but I'm not going to tell you because maybe Warren Ellis doesn't really know yet? No, no. I'm sure he does! But we've got to keep some cards up our holes for the last few issues. Is that a poker term? 'Up our holes'?"
After Drummer reassures readers and Jakita that Elijah Snow is doing exactly what a Century Baby whose job was the job entrusted to Elijah Snow would do in this situation, he goes on to explain to everybody why he trusts Elijah so much. In other words, his origin story.
The Drummer began his career as a programming monkey enslaved by Dr. Randall Dowling. His job was to make sure the future Internet wasn't secure to Dowling's spying eyes. Or maybe to invent the Internet with a secret backdoor for the spying eyes of a guy named Dowling. Those are basically the same thing. Also, Drummer wasn't an actual monkey. That was me being metaphorical. One day while Drummer was on the Internet Factory Assembly Line banging away at the keys with his drumsticks because he never learned to type, Elijah Snow and Ambrose Chase were hiding in the bathroom waiting for a security guard to drop by so Elijah could freeze the piss in his penis and threaten to snap it off. So gross and inappropriate.
After Drummer reassures readers and Jakita that Elijah Snow is doing exactly what a Century Baby whose job was the job entrusted to Elijah Snow would do in this situation, he goes on to explain to everybody why he trusts Elijah so much. In other words, his origin story.
The Drummer began his career as a programming monkey enslaved by Dr. Randall Dowling. His job was to make sure the future Internet wasn't secure to Dowling's spying eyes. Or maybe to invent the Internet with a secret backdoor for the spying eyes of a guy named Dowling. Those are basically the same thing. Also, Drummer wasn't an actual monkey. That was me being metaphorical. One day while Drummer was on the Internet Factory Assembly Line banging away at the keys with his drumsticks because he never learned to type, Elijah Snow and Ambrose Chase were hiding in the bathroom waiting for a security guard to drop by so Elijah could freeze the piss in his penis and threaten to snap it off. So gross and inappropriate.
Ambrose and Elijah have too much frat boy DNA to hide in the same stall.
What happened to Frat Boys between the '50s and modern times? Used to be they loved to cram themselves into small spaces with as many other men as possible. And then they learned the phrase, "No homo, dude," and couldn't abide even the accidental touch of another man.
Jakita hid in the women's bathroom because, um, propriety? No, probably just because the guy's smelled horrible.
In Drummer's recollection of the story, Jakita didn't understand why they were interfering with The Four's foray into computers since, to her, they were just for games like Wizardry and Castle Wolfenstein and Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar. Bah, she wasn't wrong. Things would be way better if computers were just barely connected to each other again. Imagine how many narcissists and boring old everyday idiots would never get online because the barrier to access was, even though quite minimal, boring as shit. Waste time tying up the phone to post about The X-Files on a message board? When they could be talking to Chad or Karen in person?! I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the nostalgia of a time when the word "nerd" actually meant something!
When Planetary invade the den of enslaved child programmers, Ambrose Chase fucks up his time distortion field and one of the guards remains outside of it enabling him enough time to push the button on the neck bombs being worn by all the kids.
Jakita hid in the women's bathroom because, um, propriety? No, probably just because the guy's smelled horrible.
In Drummer's recollection of the story, Jakita didn't understand why they were interfering with The Four's foray into computers since, to her, they were just for games like Wizardry and Castle Wolfenstein and Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar. Bah, she wasn't wrong. Things would be way better if computers were just barely connected to each other again. Imagine how many narcissists and boring old everyday idiots would never get online because the barrier to access was, even though quite minimal, boring as shit. Waste time tying up the phone to post about The X-Files on a message board? When they could be talking to Chad or Karen in person?! I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the nostalgia of a time when the word "nerd" actually meant something!
When Planetary invade the den of enslaved child programmers, Ambrose Chase fucks up his time distortion field and one of the guards remains outside of it enabling him enough time to push the button on the neck bombs being worn by all the kids.
Whoops!
Luckily for Drummer, the bombs went off in sequence and Jakita was able to rip his off before it exploded his face. Unluckily for the other kids, nobody fucking cares about the other kids. This isn't their goddamned origin story! Losers.
During the battle, Ellis sneaks in at least two references to other Planetary moments: Snow saving Jakita as a child and Snow not being around to save Ambrose Chase. I'm sure there were more like maybe some time Elijah was caught hiding in the stall of the men's bathroom listening to people piss. Not in a perverse way! To gather information for his Planetary Guide! Who knows how important it will be to the future to know exactly how strong Sherlock Holmes' piss stream was?!
Before leaving, Elijah allows Drummer to hack into and crash Dowling's Project Internet Backdoor (hee hee!). Because Drummer and his drumsticks have super powers, he winds up blowing the entire floor of the building and Planetary have to leave immediately through the window.
During the battle, Ellis sneaks in at least two references to other Planetary moments: Snow saving Jakita as a child and Snow not being around to save Ambrose Chase. I'm sure there were more like maybe some time Elijah was caught hiding in the stall of the men's bathroom listening to people piss. Not in a perverse way! To gather information for his Planetary Guide! Who knows how important it will be to the future to know exactly how strong Sherlock Holmes' piss stream was?!
Before leaving, Elijah allows Drummer to hack into and crash Dowling's Project Internet Backdoor (hee hee!). Because Drummer and his drumsticks have super powers, he winds up blowing the entire floor of the building and Planetary have to leave immediately through the window.
Quit bitching, kid. At least your head isn't peanut butter and jelly.
After rescuing the kid, Elijah hires him to be on Planetary because nobody else in the kid's life is alive and Drummer asks point blank if he's going to wind up in foster care like Jakita and Elijah realizes that nobody in the whole fucking world will be able to handle this kid. Also, the kid knows most of their secrets simply by being in the same place as their computer systems. So he's kind of forced to take the kid on. And that's the end of the origin story.
But the main story isn't finished yet! Drummer needs to tell Jakita what Elijah Snow's Century Baby purpose is: to archive shit. In other words, to save things. He saves information. He saves history. He saves people. Sometimes he saves people from themselves, like Jacob Greene and William Leather. And soon Kim and Randall, I guess. But his main purpose right now — the main bit of archiving he's really digging his teeth into at the moment — is an attempt to save Ambrose Chase.
The Ranking!
See? Ambrose Chase disappearing in a flutter of reality distorting waves and not leaving a corpse was an obvious tell that he was still extant somewhere in space and time. And Elijah Snow promised to always have his back if he was around. He wasn't around at the specific time Ambrose was shot by that guy searching for Planet Fiction, but he's around now. And if anybody can figure out what Ambrose did the moment before he died to save himself, it's Elijah, Jakita, and the Little Drummer Boy. But we only have four issues left. Technically three, I think, with an epilogue tacked on years later. I should probably re-read the Melanctha story with the knowledge that she's pushing Elijah to save Ambrose with her "Death Machine Telemetry" bullshit but, well, I'm busy not reading all the other stuff I have to read!
But the main story isn't finished yet! Drummer needs to tell Jakita what Elijah Snow's Century Baby purpose is: to archive shit. In other words, to save things. He saves information. He saves history. He saves people. Sometimes he saves people from themselves, like Jacob Greene and William Leather. And soon Kim and Randall, I guess. But his main purpose right now — the main bit of archiving he's really digging his teeth into at the moment — is an attempt to save Ambrose Chase.
The Ranking!
See? Ambrose Chase disappearing in a flutter of reality distorting waves and not leaving a corpse was an obvious tell that he was still extant somewhere in space and time. And Elijah Snow promised to always have his back if he was around. He wasn't around at the specific time Ambrose was shot by that guy searching for Planet Fiction, but he's around now. And if anybody can figure out what Ambrose did the moment before he died to save himself, it's Elijah, Jakita, and the Little Drummer Boy. But we only have four issues left. Technically three, I think, with an epilogue tacked on years later. I should probably re-read the Melanctha story with the knowledge that she's pushing Elijah to save Ambrose with her "Death Machine Telemetry" bullshit but, well, I'm busy not reading all the other stuff I have to read!
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