What with panda girl being one of the students, I bet one of them STDs is rabies.
Ninja High School Talks About Sexually Transmitted Diseases #1 (September 1992)
By Dr. Joeming Dunn and Ben Dunn
Cover by Ben Dunn and Robert DeJesus
This comic must be worth at least as much as my copy of The Walking Dead #1, right?! It had a print run of 30,000 comic books and it was free which means most people probably through it in the trunk of the car, never read it, and then died of syphilis. I wish I could remember where I picked it up but that important moment is lost to everybody but the future civilization of time travelers who have based their entire culture on my blog. I bet if I could remember the moment I picked this up, I'd remember a small group of strange looking people in odd fashions suddenly erupting into applause nearby.
I'm fairly certain this is the only issue of Ninja High School that I own (being that it was free). But I did read my cousin's copies because it had horny teenage girls in it. It was like Archie if Betty were half-panda and Veronica sucked cock. At least that's how I remember it. I think the guy in it was a total prude who never wanted these girls to sit on his face or rub their pudendas on his stiffening cock as they danced at prom. Although somebody had to do something with somebody if they're about to catch every fuck disease known to mankind do that I could learn about them and get them myself! That's the part I'm most interested in. How do you even get into a position to get an STD? And I'm not talking about missionary! Ha ha!
The tagline on the cover, "WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW", makes it sound a bit self-important. Like this is the only way a comic book nerd is going to learn about AIDS. They do realize that Death did one of these comics too, right?! I guess this one came out first though. I bet Neil Gaiman saw it and thought, "Nobody reads that shit. I'd better write one with my super popular character! If I refused to take that responsibility, I might as well be out on the street injecting AIDS directly into people's veins!" Then he rubbed his boner on a passing lady. Allegedly. But, you know, probably?
By Dr. Joeming Dunn and Ben Dunn
Cover by Ben Dunn and Robert DeJesus
This comic must be worth at least as much as my copy of The Walking Dead #1, right?! It had a print run of 30,000 comic books and it was free which means most people probably through it in the trunk of the car, never read it, and then died of syphilis. I wish I could remember where I picked it up but that important moment is lost to everybody but the future civilization of time travelers who have based their entire culture on my blog. I bet if I could remember the moment I picked this up, I'd remember a small group of strange looking people in odd fashions suddenly erupting into applause nearby.
I'm fairly certain this is the only issue of Ninja High School that I own (being that it was free). But I did read my cousin's copies because it had horny teenage girls in it. It was like Archie if Betty were half-panda and Veronica sucked cock. At least that's how I remember it. I think the guy in it was a total prude who never wanted these girls to sit on his face or rub their pudendas on his stiffening cock as they danced at prom. Although somebody had to do something with somebody if they're about to catch every fuck disease known to mankind do that I could learn about them and get them myself! That's the part I'm most interested in. How do you even get into a position to get an STD? And I'm not talking about missionary! Ha ha!
The tagline on the cover, "WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW", makes it sound a bit self-important. Like this is the only way a comic book nerd is going to learn about AIDS. They do realize that Death did one of these comics too, right?! I guess this one came out first though. I bet Neil Gaiman saw it and thought, "Nobody reads that shit. I'd better write one with my super popular character! If I refused to take that responsibility, I might as well be out on the street injecting AIDS directly into people's veins!" Then he rubbed his boner on a passing lady. Allegedly. But, you know, probably?
Of course she doesn't want to talk about it. Her pussy is five different colors and smells like a cheesesteak.
Fucking Jeremy. Don't begin a conversation with a woman by accusing her of being moody! I think that's sexist. Especially after Asrial explains that Ichi is on her period.
Wait? Is menstruation a sexually transmitted disease?!
I guess Asrial, being half-panda, could smell that Ichi was on her period and has been dying to maul her all day. Jeremy, being the sensitive prude virgin loser he is, exclaims, "I'm glad I don't have a pussy! Having a dick is great! It hardly bleeds at all!"
The ladies leave Jeremy so they can go sit in a pan of butter or whatever the cure for the common period is. Since it's not an STD, Joeming Dunn doesn't explain it to me. Just like all of my elementary school teachers who would kick me out of class when the girls learned about their lady voids. Why couldn't I learn about the lady void?! Didn't the ERA mean anything to them?!
Wait? Is menstruation a sexually transmitted disease?!
I guess Asrial, being half-panda, could smell that Ichi was on her period and has been dying to maul her all day. Jeremy, being the sensitive prude virgin loser he is, exclaims, "I'm glad I don't have a pussy! Having a dick is great! It hardly bleeds at all!"
The ladies leave Jeremy so they can go sit in a pan of butter or whatever the cure for the common period is. Since it's not an STD, Joeming Dunn doesn't explain it to me. Just like all of my elementary school teachers who would kick me out of class when the girls learned about their lady voids. Why couldn't I learn about the lady void?! Didn't the ERA mean anything to them?!
Oh shit! Veronica cucked Archie!
Rich, as you can tell by his appearance, is the antithesis of a gentleman. He goes on to say exactly how far inside of Veronica his dick went. Or he starts to before his tummy begins hurting him. I think he's pregnant!
Jeremy rushes his friend to the doctor in the hopes that Rich's life can be saved and he can continue with his sexy story. Rich's sex story is like a PornHub video that doesn't show the cum shot because it's all, "VISIT US AT COMEONBATGIRLSFACE DOT COM!" Which I did and now my fucking computer has so many STDs! Why couldn't Ninja High School have done a comic book about avoiding computer STDs?! Anyway, the doctor checks out Rich while Jeremy hangs around like he's his spouse.
Jeremy rushes his friend to the doctor in the hopes that Rich's life can be saved and he can continue with his sexy story. Rich's sex story is like a PornHub video that doesn't show the cum shot because it's all, "VISIT US AT COMEONBATGIRLSFACE DOT COM!" Which I did and now my fucking computer has so many STDs! Why couldn't Ninja High School have done a comic book about avoiding computer STDs?! Anyway, the doctor checks out Rich while Jeremy hangs around like he's his spouse.
"Yes, Jeremy. Exactly right." BIG ANIME WINK
The doctor must actually think Jeremy is Rich's spouse because she sits him down and spills all of his sexually transmitted beans. A doctor wrote this and thought it would be okay for the doctor in the story to give somebody else all the information about her patient's rotting penis?! I'm not saying Dr. Joeming Dunn should have lost their medical license because of this script. Of course I'm not. I'm just typing it.
"Have you seen the movie Alien? Yeah. Veronica implanted a monster inside him and his guts are going to be on the ceiling in a few days."
The doctor explains that she thinks Rich has a sexually transmitted disease. So she's not even sure yet but she's going to speculate to some kid who shouldn't have access to Rich's medical history at all! But I guess she saw an opportunity to teach Jeremy a thing or two so that he won't also one day have a tummy ache after fucking Ichi or Asrial or Ichi & Asrial.
Oh! I just fucking got it. The doctor thinks Jeremy is the one who infected Rich, right?!
You'd think Jeremy would have cut her off at some point and said, "Hey, Doc? You do remember that it was my friend Rich with the possible STD, right? I've barely even touched my own butthole!"
The first "disease" the doctor discusses is a Urinary Tract Infection or as it's known to the common layman, a dirty pee-pee hole. It's not too interesting because the doctor's trying to be cool about it instead of telling Jeremy to wash his fucking foreskin on the reg or else he's going to give every girl he'll ever be with a UTI. Also maybe wash his grubby hands after going to the bathroom or barely touching his butthole, you know? Here's a poem written by one of my cousin's ex's many years ago: "What did he ever give me except a broken heart and a urinary tract infection." That's better than anything Keats ever wrote!
The second disease is gonorrhea. Based on Ben Dunn's artwork, you might think it was super sexy. But it's not! It's gross!
The first "disease" the doctor discusses is a Urinary Tract Infection or as it's known to the common layman, a dirty pee-pee hole. It's not too interesting because the doctor's trying to be cool about it instead of telling Jeremy to wash his fucking foreskin on the reg or else he's going to give every girl he'll ever be with a UTI. Also maybe wash his grubby hands after going to the bathroom or barely touching his butthole, you know? Here's a poem written by one of my cousin's ex's many years ago: "What did he ever give me except a broken heart and a urinary tract infection." That's better than anything Keats ever wrote!
The second disease is gonorrhea. Based on Ben Dunn's artwork, you might think it was super sexy. But it's not! It's gross!
Maybe we have different ideas about what's sexy.
The doctor also explains that you can get gonorrhea in your throat or butt if you're cool.
The doctor goes on to explain that sometimes people have gonorrhea and chlamydia at the same time because they've had so much awesome sex. But then she also points out that you can get chlamydia without getting gonorrhea so I don't know why she lumped them together. Jeremy is all, "So even if you cure one of my diseases I got from having too much sex, I still might have more diseases because of all the sex I had with hot and horny girls?" And then the doctor is all, "Yes, Jeremy, and why are you rubbing my pussy?"
The doctor goes on to explain that sometimes people have gonorrhea and chlamydia at the same time because they've had so much awesome sex. But then she also points out that you can get chlamydia without getting gonorrhea so I don't know why she lumped them together. Jeremy is all, "So even if you cure one of my diseases I got from having too much sex, I still might have more diseases because of all the sex I had with hot and horny girls?" And then the doctor is all, "Yes, Jeremy, and why are you rubbing my pussy?"
I get it, Jeremy. She's totally flirting! Why else would she be revealing all of this stuff due to your friend having eaten too many Oreos at lunch?
The doctor discusses syphilis next but I keep getting distracted by thinking about the movie Sybil so I don't learn anything about it. Also there weren't any pictures of anybody in their underwear so I lost focus. Also there's a huge spider that keeps coming out of a small hole in the wall of my office so I'm super on edge right now. I can barely even maintain a boner while reading all of this sexy medical stuff!
Finally she gets around to discussing AIDS which is when the comic book becomes mostly words. Probably to show how important it is not to get AIDS. The doctor is all, "Antibiotics cure all of these things so have as much sex as you want! The modern era is astounding!" And then she's all, "Except in this one case where you're almost certainly going to die. Unless you get the kind of HIV Magic Johnson got and then, well, who the fuck knows, really?! Also if you live long enough by somehow getting the right cocktail of drugs and avoiding getting a disease that your body can't fight, you might live to the 21st Century where HIV seems to have become a minor nuisance?" Most of my knowledge of AIDS these days comes from commercials airing during Svengoolie for HIV preventative drugs that seem to let people live their lives just fine with a few shots a year.
Finally she gets around to discussing AIDS which is when the comic book becomes mostly words. Probably to show how important it is not to get AIDS. The doctor is all, "Antibiotics cure all of these things so have as much sex as you want! The modern era is astounding!" And then she's all, "Except in this one case where you're almost certainly going to die. Unless you get the kind of HIV Magic Johnson got and then, well, who the fuck knows, really?! Also if you live long enough by somehow getting the right cocktail of drugs and avoiding getting a disease that your body can't fight, you might live to the 21st Century where HIV seems to have become a minor nuisance?" Most of my knowledge of AIDS these days comes from commercials airing during Svengoolie for HIV preventative drugs that seem to let people live their lives just fine with a few shots a year.
I know it seems like something Reagan and Bush would have done but you didn't actually have to wear a shirt declaring your HIV status in the '80s and '90s.
The doctor stays out of politics and doesn't explain how AIDS was a tragedy that could have been ameliorated if Reagan and the Conservative party weren't a bunch of fucking homophobes who, believing AIDS wa a homosexual disease, had no interest in stopping its spread or finding a cure. And then Jeremy learns the final lesson from the doctor, a lesson that Ichi and Asrial are not going to be happy about because they want his dick so badly.
Wait. Does she mean "altogether" or "everybody on Earth fucking at the same time"?
Lastly, the doctor teaches Jeremy about condoms which causes him to think about Ichi and Asrial for some disgusting pervert reason. What a sicko!
The Ranking!
This was the best comic book I've ever read in my life. I can't wait to put all this information to good use!
The Ranking!
This was the best comic book I've ever read in my life. I can't wait to put all this information to good use!
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