I hope the cat wins.
Planetary #17 (December 2003)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier
Cassaday got that cat looking right in the camera doing the whole record-scratch, freeze-frame movie moment when the cat's narration begins, "You might be wondering how I got in this situation." The more I look at the cover, the more I see it from the sabre-tooth's point of view in a comedic tone. I know it's supposed to evoke the thrilling action of an old pulp fantasy novel with barbarians and topless women but this was put out in the 21st Century and in the 21st Century, nobody wants to see the hero kill a big sweet pussy kitty probably named Mr. Tom-tom. Imagine living for 100 years spanning the entire 20th Century. You experience growing up on a farm drowning kittens like in that poem I can't name because I don't want to re-read it when I look it up and realizing 100 years later that if you told anybody about those memories of something that was not just normal but expected to keep farm life running the way it must, they'd castigate you as a monster. Which you are, obviously, because even 100 years ago, I couldn't drown a kitten! Also imagine having toes almost as long as fingers. What's going on there, Elijah?! Maybe I'm the freak, though, because I do know some people with long toes. Even with shoes on you can tell who has long toes because they're often seen chanting, "Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us!"
If I'd seen a book with this cover at the B. Dalton Bookseller in Valley Fair Mall in the late '70s, early '80s, I would have snapped it up and devoured it. I think I read my first Conan book because the cover reminded me of a Harryhausen film. Later, I convinced my grandmother to buy me a Skeletor¹ figure because it looked like something out of a Conan novel.
Man, I hope I wasn't like fifteen when the first He-man figures came out. Looking them up, it looks like they were originally marketed in 1982 meaning I was ten. So I guess I read my first Conan book at nine or ten. That was probably appropriate, right?
This book begins in 1933 with Elijah shirtless and heading down a river in a jungle in Africa. It's previously been mentioned that Elijah Snow and Alex Brass explored Opak-re early in their careers (though at different times). Not only does it have a pulp fiction vibe but it's definitely playing to the Heart of Darkness crowd as well.² Elijah has become lost but he's sure he's nearing Opak-re. I thought maybe Opak-re was an anagram for something but the best I can come up with is "Kreap-o" which might be foreshadowing of Warren Ellis's social life.
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier
Cassaday got that cat looking right in the camera doing the whole record-scratch, freeze-frame movie moment when the cat's narration begins, "You might be wondering how I got in this situation." The more I look at the cover, the more I see it from the sabre-tooth's point of view in a comedic tone. I know it's supposed to evoke the thrilling action of an old pulp fantasy novel with barbarians and topless women but this was put out in the 21st Century and in the 21st Century, nobody wants to see the hero kill a big sweet pussy kitty probably named Mr. Tom-tom. Imagine living for 100 years spanning the entire 20th Century. You experience growing up on a farm drowning kittens like in that poem I can't name because I don't want to re-read it when I look it up and realizing 100 years later that if you told anybody about those memories of something that was not just normal but expected to keep farm life running the way it must, they'd castigate you as a monster. Which you are, obviously, because even 100 years ago, I couldn't drown a kitten! Also imagine having toes almost as long as fingers. What's going on there, Elijah?! Maybe I'm the freak, though, because I do know some people with long toes. Even with shoes on you can tell who has long toes because they're often seen chanting, "Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us!"
If I'd seen a book with this cover at the B. Dalton Bookseller in Valley Fair Mall in the late '70s, early '80s, I would have snapped it up and devoured it. I think I read my first Conan book because the cover reminded me of a Harryhausen film. Later, I convinced my grandmother to buy me a Skeletor¹ figure because it looked like something out of a Conan novel.
Man, I hope I wasn't like fifteen when the first He-man figures came out. Looking them up, it looks like they were originally marketed in 1982 meaning I was ten. So I guess I read my first Conan book at nine or ten. That was probably appropriate, right?
This book begins in 1933 with Elijah shirtless and heading down a river in a jungle in Africa. It's previously been mentioned that Elijah Snow and Alex Brass explored Opak-re early in their careers (though at different times). Not only does it have a pulp fiction vibe but it's definitely playing to the Heart of Darkness crowd as well.² Elijah has become lost but he's sure he's nearing Opak-re. I thought maybe Opak-re was an anagram for something but the best I can come up with is "Kreap-o" which might be foreshadowing of Warren Ellis's social life.
I think this is the one where Snow discovers Eclipso.
I have, at times, seemed to criticize this comic book (as well as many others because I'm just not a visual person) for spending several pages at a time without any dialogue. But that's because of my own limitations when it comes to experiencing art. I just wanted to make clear that I understand how much Warren Ellis trusted Cassaday to tell the story through his visuals. I often make a joke about how short and lazy Ellis's script probably looked but when you've got John Cassaday on the other end of the fax line, you realize just how little you need to say. This time instead of sending Cassaday reels of film containing Slouching Tiger, Forbidden Dragon, he sent him a DVD of Apocalypse Now and just said, "This but Elijah's looking for Wakanda instead of Marlon Brando."
The river Elijah's floating down leads him directly to the lost city which means it couldn't have been that lost if the river led right to it. Lost cities should be in the middle of the jungle covered by foliage and not just sitting there close enough to be seen from anybody passing by on the river. But I guess when you have a massive phallus guarding the place, it makes it easier to remain lost.
The river Elijah's floating down leads him directly to the lost city which means it couldn't have been that lost if the river led right to it. Lost cities should be in the middle of the jungle covered by foliage and not just sitting there close enough to be seen from anybody passing by on the river. But I guess when you have a massive phallus guarding the place, it makes it easier to remain lost.
While I hated that Elijah is about to kill the pussy on the cover, I really don't mind if he slays this penis.
I don't think you can categorize a work of fiction as pulp fantasy unless there's at least one giant snake in it and three topless women. I suspect Ellis and Cassaday will have to forego the topless women though but only because this is a comic book that probably sold on the same rack as Scrooge McDuck. My guess is they'll have at least one topless woman but she'll be wearing a necklace which hangs perfectly to hide her nipples or have that perfect length hair for hiding tits.
Elijah blows out the snake's left eye and freezes it in the river. But a bunch of legs come out of the portholes built into it and it pulls itself free of the ice to charge him. Just as it's about to eat him, Tarzan swings down and does an elbow drop on its head, knocking it unconscious. Tarzan introduces himself as Kevin Sack which is, um, embarrassing. He also goes by the name Lord Blackstock which is just another indicator that he's Tarzan if you hadn't already gotten it from his swinging on a vine, his Tarzan shout, his loincloth, the description earlier that he'd gone feral, and his perfect nipples.
Elijah blows out the snake's left eye and freezes it in the river. But a bunch of legs come out of the portholes built into it and it pulls itself free of the ice to charge him. Just as it's about to eat him, Tarzan swings down and does an elbow drop on its head, knocking it unconscious. Tarzan introduces himself as Kevin Sack which is, um, embarrassing. He also goes by the name Lord Blackstock which is just another indicator that he's Tarzan if you hadn't already gotten it from his swinging on a vine, his Tarzan shout, his loincloth, the description earlier that he'd gone feral, and his perfect nipples.
Another clue to his Tarzan identity: he fucks chimpanzees.
One of the rules for outsiders spending time in Opak-re, especially white outsiders, is not to breed with the locals. Elijah is all, "Oh, don't worry: I hate kids!" But then he meets Anaykah, a topless woman, with whom he has loads and loads of unsafe sex.³ None of it results in a child and the breaking of the rules because Elijah respects the culture and/or he's shooting blanks. Eventually, Elijah leaves to go gather more information for his Planetary Guide. While he's gone, Anaykah gets bored, has sex with Tarzan, and births a child. When Elijah returns, he discovers the city collapsing into the ground to seal out the rest of the world. Anaykah meets him outside with her and Tarzan's baby, pleading with him to keep it safe as she disappears underground with the rest of her people, never to see the outside world again. Her last words are "Wakanda forever!"
Elijah, not made to deal with babies, drops the kid off with the German family that would have raised Superman if William Leather hadn't ground little Kal-el's baby skull under his bootheel. Their name was Wagner and they named the baby Jakita. That'll probably be important later. The name sounds familiar, anyway.
The Ranking!
Well if Jakita is Tarzan's baby then that means the girl whose mother was bathed in Gamma Radiation and saved by Alternate Dimension Incredible Hulk is still out there as yet unrevealed! Will she make an appearance along with the creature from Planet Fiction that arrived on the day Ambrose Chase "died"? We don't have many issues left, Warren! And we're still getting back story! Where's the front story?! I want to see Dowling murdered already!
Hey! I just realized Elijah Snow never battles a sabre-tooth tiger! Fraud! False advertising! Also, I'm kind of relieved. I didn't want to see him murder a kitty cat.
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ This was before there was a cartoon and they were sold with mini-comics to explain the characters and the world. I didn't care about all that because Skeletor was just some animated Skeleton bad guy to fight Conan. Conan was, um, me, I guess? Definitely didn't have a Conan figure and didn't purchase He-man until I realized he had the other half of Skeletor's sword (which wasn't as cool as his ram's head staff but I still needed the full sword!).
² Which obviously means playing to the Apocalypse Now lovers too, especially when you consider Cassaday's visuals. Cassaday never had a problem putting the visual sources he was alluding to right out in the open.
³ That's why Tarzan confesses to fucking animals. Because he's admitting to Elijah that he's never slept with an African woman. I think it's less because he doesn't want to and he's kind of racist (in a systemic way which is different than a hick way (though not better. Just clarifying!)) and more because the women see him as an arrogant imperialist who just wants to dominate people he sees as subservient to him. He is a British Lord, after all!
Elijah, not made to deal with babies, drops the kid off with the German family that would have raised Superman if William Leather hadn't ground little Kal-el's baby skull under his bootheel. Their name was Wagner and they named the baby Jakita. That'll probably be important later. The name sounds familiar, anyway.
The Ranking!
Well if Jakita is Tarzan's baby then that means the girl whose mother was bathed in Gamma Radiation and saved by Alternate Dimension Incredible Hulk is still out there as yet unrevealed! Will she make an appearance along with the creature from Planet Fiction that arrived on the day Ambrose Chase "died"? We don't have many issues left, Warren! And we're still getting back story! Where's the front story?! I want to see Dowling murdered already!
Hey! I just realized Elijah Snow never battles a sabre-tooth tiger! Fraud! False advertising! Also, I'm kind of relieved. I didn't want to see him murder a kitty cat.
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ This was before there was a cartoon and they were sold with mini-comics to explain the characters and the world. I didn't care about all that because Skeletor was just some animated Skeleton bad guy to fight Conan. Conan was, um, me, I guess? Definitely didn't have a Conan figure and didn't purchase He-man until I realized he had the other half of Skeletor's sword (which wasn't as cool as his ram's head staff but I still needed the full sword!).
² Which obviously means playing to the Apocalypse Now lovers too, especially when you consider Cassaday's visuals. Cassaday never had a problem putting the visual sources he was alluding to right out in the open.
³ That's why Tarzan confesses to fucking animals. Because he's admitting to Elijah that he's never slept with an African woman. I think it's less because he doesn't want to and he's kind of racist (in a systemic way which is different than a hick way (though not better. Just clarifying!)) and more because the women see him as an arrogant imperialist who just wants to dominate people he sees as subservient to him. He is a British Lord, after all!
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