Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #4 (First Week of January 2018)

 

E!TACT! #4
Introduction, Batman #37, Justice League #35, The Wild Storm #10, and Other Assorted Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

Introduction

I'm a few weeks behind in my comic book reading because I've been rereading the Xanth novels (I believe I stopped reading them when I was too embarrassed to purchase The Color of Her Panties). And before you start in on the criticism of my reading choices, I assure you that I have a lot to say about these things that might assuage my seeming arrested development in literature choices! Somebody should use the Xanth novels for a master class on the male gaze in fiction and pop culture. It boggles my mind, with the kind of chauvinistic world view espoused by the novel, that A Spell for Chameleon received the Best Novel of the Year from the British Fantasy Society. Of course, that mind is being boggled from 2017 and as an adult. The book is forty years old and it shows. I can't help but wonder how much this book influenced my perception of the world when I read it (I think I was around twelve (I did not read it the year it came out so your math on my age is wrong. But not by much, actually)). Did I begin to mistrust my mother due to the influence of this series or was that really just based on her ever increasing bizarre behavior caused by my sister's spiral into teenage hormonal chaos? It's hard to say. But when somebody refers to "the male gaze," it isn't just about female superheroes in revealing clothing. I'll get more into it in a future post. Until then: comic books!

Batman #37

by King, Mann, and Bellaire

People exist on the Internet who claim to know good stories but then shit all over Tom King's Batman. It's nice when a review site hates on Tom King's Batman because then I know that review site is run by idiots. I should go back and review that issue where Catwoman wins a sword fight against Talia al Ghul because didn't that just set a lot of people's underpants on fire. It's like they think they're the most genius reviewer in the world by saying obvious things like "Tom King is shit because he wrote an inexperienced sword fighter beating one of the greatest sword fighters in the world." When I read criticism like that, I tend to think the person has low self-esteem and desperately needs to prove how smart they are. Because, yeah, duh! Of course Talia would have cut out Selina's heart in a few quick thrusts. But since she didn't, perhaps you should consider why Tom King wrote it that way. It's strange that people jump to the conclusion that the guy who wrote The Sheriff of Babylon would make such an amateur mistake as that. When a writer has shown their chops, you fucking trust that writer. Then you read that story and the only conclusion you can come to is that Talia wasn't trying to beat Selina. She was just baiting her for information and feeling her out. If Batman's going to marry her, Talia is going to want to know something about Damian's step-mother. At the end of the issue, Talia mentions to Batman how she approves of Selina, or how she likes her, or something. It's been a bit since I read it. Because that was the real point of the drawn out fight with Selina. To find out who this woman that Batman seems to love is.

Yes, I'm talking about the critics over at Weird Science. I sometimes read their reviews so I can shake my head in wonder at their incompetency. The other problems they had with that issue were why the Justice League wasn't waiting to battle Batman when he left the city and how they were all going to cross the desert again on just one horse. Unless it was two horses. I can't remember because who fucking cares about that kind of shit?! That's just the stuff you pick apart because you, for some reason, don't like Tom King. I mean, to be fair, I'd do it to a Scott Lobdell script!

I think part of the reason people don't like his Batman is because he avoids Narration Boxing. King stays almost completely out of the character's heads. So of course readers who have spent years knowing the exact motive of the character because the writer gives it to you in the modern day thought bubbles have their comprehension crippled when the author avoids doing it. And yet it makes a much better reading experience to not have the author hold your hand and spit on his finger and shove it up your ass as he wanks you off. I mean, that sounds like a pretty good experience too! But not while I'm reading.

The fact that the Weird Science blog loves Scott Lobdell so much makes my point, I believe. They love the finger in the ass wank job Lobdell gives. And he gives it hard, month after month!

While I'm on the subject of Batman, I should share KB's reply to Issue #2's Newsletter and my rant on James Tynion IV's Detective Comics #970. You'll notice KB thinks he's smarter than me. And, well, he isn't! I was going to type "Well, he is!" right there but my ego said, "NO YOU STUPID FUCKER! YOU'RE THE GENIUS!" Anyway, KB always has great insights into comic books. It's almost like he takes their pop culture importance way more seriously than I do! He hardly ever says things like, "I would fuck Tom King in the butthole if I ever accidentally stalked him home from a con!"

KB writes: "Thank you for sparing us the damage of reading Tynion IV's writing. I remember a time I thought he was a scrappy up-and-coming writer and I looked forward to his work. But whatever mojo he once had, he seems to have lost it."

Me: "Yeah. I remember when we thought he was going to do some good shit and then he made Talon undead. That comic was threatening to be interesting for an issue or two until he went in that direction."

KB: "It sounds like we run into the problem of, superhero comics can be a terrible place to explore the ills of society at large. The misogyny that's baked into our society is one thing; a guy protecting Gotham from everything that could destroy it because he's the only one who can is another. This is not to say that the Kates and Dicks and so forth don't do a good job, but we all know goddamn well that most of Gotham's survival is because of doings at the Batcave (and maybe 10% because the Court of Owls operates behind the scenes to keep their town profitable).

And also, let's go back to Why Batman Doesn't Kill The Joker: for all the ink spilled about how Batman is afraid to cross the line, the much simpler reality is, Batman doesn't see himself as an authority unto himself. Ultimately he submits to a system that has the power to incarcerate and, if desired, execute the Joker at any time. Batman operates to stop threats and keep Gotham safe (citizens and cops alike); beyond that he isn't interested in power. He works for the law; he isn't the law.

So if you're looking for a comic book analogue to power-drunk myopic sexist jerks, don't turn to the guy who built his life around using all his resources to keep law-abiding citizens safe AND make sure even criminals have their day in court (and, if they're willing to go straight, a job at WayneTech upon release)."

Me: "I could have come up with these insights if I'd wanted to! I mean, I love these points you've made. But you forget, in Tynion's world, Batman is an older white heterosexual male. So he's not as good a guy as you think he is! That's the end of my argument. That's just how it works. I don't have anything else to say because I already sound like an old, bitter, resentful white heterosexual male! But I'm not! I'm middle-aged!"

KB: "And delving into the real world, ain't it funny how morons on the Left dwelled and dwelled on Hillary's "corruption" -- 100% of which turns out to have been lies pushed by Republicans / Russians / Stein / Sanders -- while they barely paid attention to Trump's? I bet Tynion IV has a Jill Stein bumper sticker."

Me: "Whoa whoa whoa! Some of my Newsletter recipients might be Jill Stein fans! You can't say things like this! We're trying to make this a safe place for people who don't understand how stupid their political stances are! If you voted for Jill Stein, I'm not judging you! At least not openly! I mean, if we met in public and you mentioned you voted for her, I probably wouldn't be able to hide the disgust on my face! But you can't see my face in these newsletters, so totally believe me when I say I'm not making that face at all!"

I hope you bought all of that! It would be easier to pass off as the truth if I weren't so judgmental while reading every single stupid comic book I've ever read. I even mocked that Death Talks About AIDS comic from the 90s!

And now back to Batman #37! Just give me a moment to read it and see if I have any smarter than KB thoughts to share!

Nothing screams "METAL!" like everything this picture isn't.

I'm only a few pages in but I think I can understand why so many comic book reviewer nerds hate Tom King's Batman: IT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE! I suppose this is the kind of thing they call "fan service" which, I mean, is that a bad thing? Because I'm being serviced like crazy here with how cute and adorable Superman and Batman and Catwoman and Lois are at the fair! I would think that "fan service" would be when the idiotic writer decides to make Batman and Superman punch each other in the face for fifteen pages...again! That shit is old! That's the shit that serviced my grandad's needs! Not that my grandfather was a grown man-baby stuck in a state of arrested development who could only find solace in the pages of a four color funny book! He was a war hero! I mean, he was in World War II. I mean, not like, fighting or anything. He had the sweet gig of chauffeuring for the army chaplain. Although he did introduce me to comic books, in a way. He used to drive around Santa Clara collecting newspapers for recycling. Whenever he got comic books in the stacks, he'd throw them in a box and store them in the garage. Those were the first comic books I read! Things like Hulk and Sgt. Fury, Agent of SHIELD. You know, shit!

Lobo! This comic book just got three times better!

This comic book has made me laugh about once per page.

Maybe that's my entire review? No wait! I have a good review: "If you really like to be entertained but you're a huge nerd who thinks they like whimsical things because you have a terrible drama student sense of humor but you actually hate real whimsy, you should avoid this comic book because it won't entertain you. It will just make you mad. You will be all, 'Why isn't Batman detectivating?! Why isn't Superman punching an alien in the dick?! What is with all this on-panel time with their love interests?! Gross!' But if you're super cool like me (the kind of cool that almost never leaves you as the wallflower at an orgy), this comic book could be your new best orgy partner!"

That review might sound confusing but it's actually one of my most comprehensible! Plus it has a little bit of Browningesque dramatic monologue!

Justice League #35

By Priest and Woods

Priest takes the style he used in Deathstork where he tells bite-sized morsels of story in one to three page chapters and applies it to the Justice League. By using this style, he seems to carve out more room to tell tales featuring ensemble casts where everybody gets a decent chunk of time describing their current problems and motivations. It fits really well around a group as large as the Justice League, a group that has so many marquee name talents. Like King's Batman, he's really concentrating on the characters and letting the plot resolve around the space he's made for the characters. It's so much better than just shoving every member of the cast into every scene and just making sure they each get one snarky line in combat.

Although it's probably too different for people who do blogs named after a movie from the 1980s. Was that reference too subtle? Probably if you write for that blog!

Although I do have one slight issue that has plagued my enjoyment of comic books for a long time. The story seems to be setting up one of those situations where the heroes become hated by civilians. I noticed that right off the bat because the story was called "The People vs. Justice League." I just want my heroes to be heroic, you know? I hope one of the new Metal heroes will be a hero that goes around killing people who get angry at heroes. His name could be Negative Reinforcement.

The Wild Storm #10

By Ellis, Hunt, and Buccellato

This comic series magnifies the main problem I have with comic books (as does Tom King's current maxi-series, Mister Miracle): a well thought out and deliberate story that is well worth your time and effort to really study closely suffers in the medium. This is a 24 chapter story which the reader must read in monthly installments. I'll be damned if I keep anything close to a reasonable amount of retention on the subtleties of the plot over that kind of time. If I were reading a novel and set it down for one month before picking it up to read again, I'd almost certainly start the danged thing over. Every scene, I need to strain to remember who the fuck each character is and what organization they work for and who runs that organization and whether or not I've come to determine if they're a mostly good or a mostly bad group. I suppose if you were a huge fan of the Wildstorm universe previous to this, it would be easier. But my knowledge of the Wildstorm universe amounts to the characters in The Authority (and maybe Stormwatch, since, well, you know), Grifter has red hair and hangs laundry on his face, and Zealot doesn't know how to apply her makeup. So you'd understand if I'm a bit confused by much of it.

But that hasn't decreased my enjoyment of this series (I mean, I don't think it has? Regarding Mister Miracle, I've been keeping each issue stashed in my bookcase so I can reread the entire series straight through when it's finished)! I appreciate writers who don't just treat their comic book writing gig as a chance to vomit up an action sequence every month tied together by ideas that wouldn't even pass for good Young Adult Fan Fiction. I want to read a story that's either been planned from the beginning or, at least, written to the end before being used for the comic (the difference being, if you can't quite parse my statement, a planned story is written based on an outline where the writer knows exactly what they want to happen and the journey the characters will travel to get to the end. A story written to the end can be the writer just seeing where it goes as they write it but know how it finishes before using it as a professional piece of writing so that they can revise and tweak it so that the character arc matters in some way. As opposed to...oh, let me just pick a random writer...Scott Lobdell who obviously writes a twenty page story every month that goes wherever his mind takes him and then begins a new twenty page story when it's time to write the next month's script which may follow the story from the previous issue in only the shallowest of paths). The thing is, I want a story to have a point. I want a story to say something. And, generally, when you're just writing to fill pages and collect a check, you're as blank as Hugh Grant at the beginning of About a Boy.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was meant to be a reminder of each story from month to month. But I grew bored with that "book report with dick jokes in" style. So now I'm doing this. Anyway, another good issue that kept the story moving along. I think. Who is Bendix again?!

That was a joke! Of course I know who Bendix is! It's Kenesha/Savant that I have no past knowledge of! I keep thinking she's Angie when she's on-panel! Is that racist?!

Other Bullshit

The top of my stack has a few books that will probably wind up being blog entries: Metal #4, Michael Cray #3, and Doomsday's Cock #2. If that burns me out on talking about comics, maybe the next Newsletter will be about Piers Anthony's chauvinistic Xanth series.