Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #34 (Late July 1992)

The Batrapier needs a little more branding work.

This one time, the Non-Certified Spouse and I were out for a walk. We passed by some kid's toys strewn across the sidewalk. They looked like some kind of investigative kit but with Disney branding. The Non-Certified Spouse suggested it was a Disney branded rape kit. I pointed that a Disney-branded rape kit would just be a picture of Prince Charming. That's the end of the story. It fit here because i mentioned branding in the caption and the word "rape" in "Batrapier". Thank you very much!

I suppose Batman will catch Mr. Lime by the end of this issue but, for the moment, that's finally not the main thing on Batman's mind. Right now, he wants to destroy The Cavalier for being a big lying liar. Sure, he has made the streets of Gotham safe from violent criminals for the past month or two. But he was also stealing from rich people! So, you know, that means he needs to be stopped. It also maybe means Batman wants to fuck him because the last time somebody was into burglary and being an ethical person, Batman fell in love with her and married her and had a child with her. Sure, it was on a different Earth. But the Batman of this Earth still loves fucking Catwoman even if he's not editorially allowed to marry her. Also he can't have a kid with her even if he's allowed to have a kid with some hot assassin who's probably killed way more jewels than Catwoman has stolen.

I don't expect intelligent commentary from local news reporters but it sounds like she's saying The Cavalier's double life was because he was a burglar versus his jewel thievery.

The issue also begins with The Cavalier revealing that Ellen, the pale, suicidal woman he has fallen in love with, is a murderer. He says murderess because this was written in 1992, I guess? Or is The Cavalier such an old fashioned stuntman who worships all the super gay action stars of the mid-twentieth century that he thinks murderess is the Chicago Style Guide's recommendation for a woman who murders?

You know what? Forget I wrote that last paragraph. It was absolute shit. Let's pretend I wrote this one instead: The Cavalier calls Ellen a murderess because his thin mustache apparently has roots all the way into his frontal lobe.

Robinson and Sale spend the first three pages explaining why The Cavalier began stealing jewels. The most evil evil person in the world, Randolph Salt (such an old timey name that, along with the whole murderess bit, I'm beginning to think this Batman story took place in the '50s), was a guest of Ellen's husband. One night, while Salt was slinking around the shadows of their house, Ellen's husband raised his hand to her one time too many. She fought back. She grabbed a knife in self-defense and her husband was impaled as he charged her. Salt saw the whole thing. Instead of acting as witness to the husband's abuse and her defense, he convinced her to cover up the crime with his help. But he kept the knife with her prints and her husband's blood so he could blackmail her. When he had drained her of all her money, she became so filled with despair that she was driven to suicide. That's when The Cavalier saved her. And to save her even further, he approached Salt to get the weapon back. But Salt would only return it if The Cavalier stole a bunch of jewels for him. Which is what led to his confrontation with Batman on his final job and the end of The Cavalier's good reputation in Gotham.

Mr. Lime wasn't mentioned once during the Mr. Salt revelation. And we haven't seen hide nor hair of Mr. Tequila yet.

Back at Wayne Manor, Alfred sees a chance to be free of his lifetime servitude to an obvious madman!

"Yes, yes. Only sleep will cure you of your massive head injury! Rest well, deadman. I mean Batman!"

Love that Alfred's main concern with Bruce's health right now is that he's running himself ragged just like always. As if the head injury wasn't the catalyst for the onset of all the physical problems Bruce is currently experiencing. So Bruce sleeps and doesn't die from a subdural hematoma. Instead, he has fever dreams about hunting bad men, his parents' murder, and his final confrontation with The Cavalier. At the end, his eyes pop awake and he's all, "I know who Mr. Lime is!" So that's all it took? A nap? Maybe he should incorporate naps into his investigative tools.

Who the fuck is Dewhurst?!

I didn't mention Dewhurst or scan the one panel in which he was mentioned in the first issue of this three part story because I was too obsessed with Photoshopping Catwoman to make it look like she was taking a shit. But here he is in what mystery writers for television and movies call the "Playing Fair" moment (unless they don't call it that because I made it up! Which would make sense because it isn't really playing fair. It's like that moment in that everybody missed in Along Came a Spider where some guy who's part of the murder investigation is asked a quick question or something and it's revealed at the end of the movie that he was the killer instead of the person they were chasing. It's like how in True Detective, they talk to that landscaper for a second so they can reveal at the end, "It was this guy! Did you guess it? We gave you a chance!"):

Why stop at Dewhurst?! Maybe they were all in it for the inheritances!

Batman knew it was Dewhurst because his parents were the only elderly people murdered at close range. Seems so obvious that I'm annoyed Batman didn't see it sooner. I guess living in a place as chaotic as Gotham where insane killers kill randomly all the time, it's easier to get away with something like this.

Anyway, Batman catches the guy before he gets shot in the face even though Batman's still suffering from the blunt force trauma.

Meanwhile, The Cavalier becomes a murderer just like the woman he loves! They have so much in common now.

As he gave up the knife, Salt threatened that he might use his eyewitness testimony at a future date to blackmail Ellen some more.

This has been a story about how everybody fucks up. Mr. Lime fucked up by discovering he had a real joy in killing old people and kept at it too long after killing his parents which gave Batman time to figure out the scheme. Ellen fucked up by not going to the police immediately after accidentally killing her abusive husband, becoming trapped in Salt's machinations. The Cavalier fucked up by not killing Salt immediately so that he wouldn't have thrown away his vigilante career getting caught stealing jewels for the bastard. Salt fucked up by telling a guy with a sword that he's going to fuck his girlfriend sometime in the future. Gordon fucked up because he continues to work with the Gotham Police even though he knows every single one of them is corrupt, even the fat guy and the lesbian, probably. Alfred fucked up by letting Bruce go to sleep with a serious head injury. And Batman fucked up by not realizing who Mr. Lime was before he killed dozens of elderly people. All of that is supposed to make the reader feel better about how they fucked up by living the kind of life that would wind up in reading comic books, right?!

I guess all that's left is the sword fight between The Cavalier and The Batman. Cue Batman raising a sword up by his head and saying, "Ding ding." That's a reference to whichever Rocky movie ended with Apollo and Rocky fighting with no audience to see who was actually the best and then the movie ended because fuck you, audience, you suck and we're not going to just hand out that kind of information, especially when it's a white guy against a black guy! We're in the business of making money not in commenting on racial disputes!

Before Batman can sit back and relax, Gordon comes to him and tells him The Cavalier wants to meet up. So Batman, constantly on the verge of passing out now because he apparently needs a good sleep and not surgery to reduce the swelling in his skull, decides to meet with The Cavalier.

To the death? Ha! Batman wouldn't even kill Hitler in the annual!

This issue still has twelve pages left. Is that how long this duel is going to last? Or does the story need an epilogue where The Cavalier gives up everything to move to Metropolis with Ellen and Bruce Wayne is remembered by the populace of Gotham after he dies of a head injury?

The inner monologue of both combatants merge as they both think nearly the same thoughts throughout the battle. They are equally matched: The Cavalier exhausted; Batman sick and wounded. They battle from rooftop to rooftop until they come to an old derelict building with a weak roof.

Bruce Wayne thinking, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I should buy this property and fix it up! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Down below, Gordon and the police have gathered to watch and contain the fight. But being that they suck at their job, Ellen rushes past them and into the building. Being that they don't suck as bad as actual American cops, they don't shoot her as she runs past. Ellen finds Batman lying on the ground, ribs broken, ankle sprained. The Cavalier stands over him. Batman tells The Cavalier, "I'm finished. You've won. Do what you will. But be gentle, baby." But Ellen is all, "No! Don't fuck him!" And The Cavalier is all, "What? Of course I wasn't going to...? Who do you think...? What the hell?"

It turns out The Cavalier simply assumed Batman would win the battle and kill him. He was choosing suicide by Batman, the big dumb idiot. Doesn't he know Batman doesn't kill?! What a fucking waste of time.

He should have thought of this first: suicide by cop.

The Cavalier unloads the pistol because he doesn't want to hurt any cops but he wants them to feel threatened so they don't feel guilty about murdering him later. As if cops ever feel guilty about killing anybody. If this were real life, he could have just gone out with the sword and they would have shot him. Or just went out and refused to lie on the ground when they all started panicking and shouting at him. Why are the people who are supposed to protect and serve actually the most cowardly and blood thirsty members or our society? Defund the police doesn't go far enough! Imprison the police!

I don't know for sure that he's going to get suicided by cops being that I have yet to read the page following the one I scanned. But he's turning a knob which means he's probably going outside and he removed the bullets from the gun and he wants to die so, you know, I did some math.

Neither Ellen or Batman try to stop him even though they have plenty of time because if there's one trope you don't fuck with in story telling, it's that when a person ends a scene by leaving the stage, you don't go after them or try to stop them. You just say their name over and over and refuse to show any agency yourself.

The next page might be the most realistic page I've ever seen in a DC Comic.

Maybe in real life, there would have been twice as many BLAMs.

And that's the end of the story except where Batman contemplates The Cavalier's final words to him about how there's potential for evil in every man. Maybe that's why Batman wound up creating a bunch of In Case of Emergency Kits, one for every hero in the DC Universe in case they turned evil or were mind-controlled or were Starroed or Eclipsoed.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #34 Rating: B. The Cavalier didn't commit suicide because he'd killed Salt and his bodyguard. He killed himself because he liked killing Salt and the bodyguard. Isn't that sometimes one of Batman's reasons for not killing? Isn't he sometimes all, "What if I enjoyed it? Who would ever stop me? Certainly not that joke Superman!" Or is Batman usually just, "I might find it too easy to find reasons to cross the line over and over again, even if I don't like it which you can't prove that I do?" I guess this is also a story about love and what people do for love. The Cavalier basically threw his body in front of a speeding bullet headed for Ellen to save her life. And Batman obsessed over stopping Mr. Lime to his absolute breaking point, almost dying, because Bruce loved his parents so much that he couldn't stand to see other people losing their parents every few days. And Alfred, I don't know, has given up a regular sex life because he loves his little boy Bruce so much?

Before I get to the next issue about Fat Batman, I have another $1 comic from the yard sale I went to a couple of weeks ago! It's going to destroy my brain so badly but I'm going to read it out of, um, love, I guess?