Content Warning: I will likely be discussing Gerard Jones' conviction of terrible crimes and also debasing your mother. Not at the same time, of course! I'm not the worst monster! Jones is!
The Non-Certified Spouse called me racist the other day as I was eating this candy:
It was delicious!
I pointed out that as a more or less white male, if I were only fucking white women, I wouldn't be apt to disambiguate certain lovers as "white". It seems obvious that if I'm calling some of my lovers "white lovers" than I must have other lovers who would be considered non-white. But then because I can't stand to be correct about anything, I pointed out, against myself, that just because a white man fucks a non-white lover, it doesn't mean they can't still be racist! It's just a variant of "I have Black friends!" Then the Non-Certified Spouse responded, "Oh, I didn't even notice the name of the candy!"
Anyways, Gerard Jones was convicted of possessing and distributing images of child sexual abuse. I just thought we should clear that up at the start so I can say, unequivocally, that I am super against that! Like you might be thinking, "Yeah! I'm totally against that too!" But then I'd say, "But not as against it as I am!" Then you'd look at me quizzically and I'd point to my t-shirt that reads, "I'm super against possessing and distributing images of child sexual abuse!" Then you'd back away a bit and say, "That's an oddly specific shirt to wear." And I'd be all, "Oh, you wouldn't wear it? What are you? Just kind of against it?" After that, I'm assuming we'd never be friends again and I'd be okay with that because why wouldn't you proclaim how against this shit you were? Seems suspicious!
True story: I've seen at least two people out here in Portland wearing shirts and/or hats that had anti-pedophile messages. And while I appreciate the message, it's really confusing to see somebody wearing a hat that reads, "I kill pedophiles!" and, for a quick second, think you're proclaiming to be one! I know, I know! That's on me and my lack of reading comprehension! But, you know, it's still a fucking weird thing to wear. The guy wearing the shirt was even bolder in that the picture on the shirt was of a person being lynched. Don't worry! It was stick figure art so it wasn't graphic. But, I mean, it's kind of the first thing you see and even when the message later clears it up a bit that the person being hanged was a pedophile, it doesn't suddenly make my revulsion go away. "Oh, cool, you're a creepy weirdo making everybody uncomfortable who is against pedophilia! Good to know!"
This issue begins, like all horror films of the '50s, with a beatnik and an alien. The main difference is that the beatnik has just been shot. In the '50s, the beatnik was screwing your daughter, smoking herb, dressing against the conventions of the status quo, and laying down some righteous non-rhyming lines of poetry to wake your suburban ass the hell up. And that was scary because who wants to think about how their normal lives are actually hurting so many other people?! It's like that Japanese movie, Best Wishes to All! You know your way of life hurts others but why should you care? Maybe they should have thought about that before they got hurt because they chose not to hurt others so they could get what they desire like everybody else? And who wants a crummy old Beatnik spoken-poetrying criticisms right into your stupid face?! So rude!
By the way, Best Wishes to All might be the best critique of elite liberals who perpetuate a status quo that they benefit from even though it hurts so many others that I've ever seen. If that's what it's about. Maybe I'm wrong? Probably not though. I'm so smart my brain hurts all the time!
What? Maybe I should go get what checked out? I'm changing the subject now! Ow!
Anyways, Gerard Jones was convicted of possessing and distributing images of child sexual abuse. I just thought we should clear that up at the start so I can say, unequivocally, that I am super against that! Like you might be thinking, "Yeah! I'm totally against that too!" But then I'd say, "But not as against it as I am!" Then you'd look at me quizzically and I'd point to my t-shirt that reads, "I'm super against possessing and distributing images of child sexual abuse!" Then you'd back away a bit and say, "That's an oddly specific shirt to wear." And I'd be all, "Oh, you wouldn't wear it? What are you? Just kind of against it?" After that, I'm assuming we'd never be friends again and I'd be okay with that because why wouldn't you proclaim how against this shit you were? Seems suspicious!
True story: I've seen at least two people out here in Portland wearing shirts and/or hats that had anti-pedophile messages. And while I appreciate the message, it's really confusing to see somebody wearing a hat that reads, "I kill pedophiles!" and, for a quick second, think you're proclaiming to be one! I know, I know! That's on me and my lack of reading comprehension! But, you know, it's still a fucking weird thing to wear. The guy wearing the shirt was even bolder in that the picture on the shirt was of a person being lynched. Don't worry! It was stick figure art so it wasn't graphic. But, I mean, it's kind of the first thing you see and even when the message later clears it up a bit that the person being hanged was a pedophile, it doesn't suddenly make my revulsion go away. "Oh, cool, you're a creepy weirdo making everybody uncomfortable who is against pedophilia! Good to know!"
This issue begins, like all horror films of the '50s, with a beatnik and an alien. The main difference is that the beatnik has just been shot. In the '50s, the beatnik was screwing your daughter, smoking herb, dressing against the conventions of the status quo, and laying down some righteous non-rhyming lines of poetry to wake your suburban ass the hell up. And that was scary because who wants to think about how their normal lives are actually hurting so many other people?! It's like that Japanese movie, Best Wishes to All! You know your way of life hurts others but why should you care? Maybe they should have thought about that before they got hurt because they chose not to hurt others so they could get what they desire like everybody else? And who wants a crummy old Beatnik spoken-poetrying criticisms right into your stupid face?! So rude!
By the way, Best Wishes to All might be the best critique of elite liberals who perpetuate a status quo that they benefit from even though it hurts so many others that I've ever seen. If that's what it's about. Maybe I'm wrong? Probably not though. I'm so smart my brain hurts all the time!
What? Maybe I should go get what checked out? I'm changing the subject now! Ow!
Oh yeah! Stickin' it to the man right up until his last breath!
The police rush up and do not beat the shit out of John Jones as he cradles a dying man in his arms because he's cosplaying as a white man and cops would never suspect a white man with a short haircut to have murdered a beatnik. Plus John flashes his detective badge and is all, "I'm from Denver. I'm here for the Forensics Convention. I'll go investigate this immediately!" And the cops are all, "Okay, man, sure, whatever. I guess you like paper work! We'll stay with the body and see if there might be some minorities to beat up."
A witness points out that the man was being chased from Le Chat Noir, a café, by two women. John reacts suspiciously with "Women, huh?" I don't know why that eyewitness evidence makes such an impression on him but he chooses to get involved. Maybe he's horny?
Gerard Jones makes sure the reader thinks they're watching an episode of The Twilight Zone. Everybody's lonely and they're all strangers. At least, that's how John Jones sees it since he's lonely and the strangest stranger. He also seems to think everybody is cold and they're all trying to get warm. Is that because he's always cold since fire will kill him? Or is he just paranoid being around humans because he knows how much they love fire?
A witness points out that the man was being chased from Le Chat Noir, a café, by two women. John reacts suspiciously with "Women, huh?" I don't know why that eyewitness evidence makes such an impression on him but he chooses to get involved. Maybe he's horny?
Gerard Jones makes sure the reader thinks they're watching an episode of The Twilight Zone. Everybody's lonely and they're all strangers. At least, that's how John Jones sees it since he's lonely and the strangest stranger. He also seems to think everybody is cold and they're all trying to get warm. Is that because he's always cold since fire will kill him? Or is he just paranoid being around humans because he knows how much they love fire?
This is the bottom half of the page. The top half was where Jones really obsessed over strangers, loneliness, and fire.
After Jones sits done, he's hassled by a Beatnik who recognizes a kindred, outsider spirit. He reads either a parody of Howl or the version of Howl written by the Ginsberg from the DC Universe. Was this guy just trying to pass off a poorer version of Howl as his own poetry? Or did Gerard Jones just want us to recognize Howl without having to get clearance for using it (and also because Howl uses the word "negro" in the first few lines which this guy is paraphrasing and maybe DC was all, "Um, nope")? I can't help but feel that Howl contains the basic theme of Gerard Jones' story now. Thousands of American lives destroyed by the status quo, by the suburbs, by the scared and easily intimidated, by the overbearing cops and inconsiderate laws, the nearly impossible to follow for some social expectations, by poverty, by racism, by Martians, by, well, you know, America?
What are these upstanding, non-Juvenile Delinquent crewcuts doing in a jazz café?! Aside from the good work of bullying people into being "normal".
John Jones loses interest in the murder because now he's interested in this new quiz program, The Big Question. If a big lunkheaded crewcut could answer the big question on The Big Question, it can't be that hard, right? Although why, other than curiosity, Jones gives a shit about it, I don't know. But he does because he heads back to the cops and the dead body. They ask him if he learned anything and he says, "Nothing. But more importantly, what's The Big Question?" And the cops get super excited and tell him all about it. The corpse does not say, "Hey, man! Dead body here! Can I get a little justice?" Because it's dead.
John Jones heads back to the hotel where he's staying for the Forensics Conference where the bellboy offers to get him a prostitute. He refuses because he's rather get stuck into a nice glass of milk and The Big Question. But before it even gets started, he turns it off to meditate. About not being lonely!
John Jones heads back to the hotel where he's staying for the Forensics Conference where the bellboy offers to get him a prostitute. He refuses because he's rather get stuck into a nice glass of milk and The Big Question. But before it even gets started, he turns it off to meditate. About not being lonely!
Meanwhile, a conversation in a nearby room proves John's point about loneliness.
Finding no comfort in his Martian meditation with Rachel and Jake screaming away downstairs, John decides to eat some Oreos, drink his milk, and watch the end of The Big Question. He's curious about why humans enjoy trivia so he decides he'll check out a taping of the show the next day. That's the day the current champion might get to answer the big question! John hasn't thought about the murdered Beatnik once all night.
Of course The Big Question is rigged because television wants to make sure it keeps kicking the ass of the movies. So when Detective John Jones shows up on set, everybody freaks the fuck out.
Of course The Big Question is rigged because television wants to make sure it keeps kicking the ass of the movies. So when Detective John Jones shows up on set, everybody freaks the fuck out.
Somebody near the scene of a crime mentioned your show?! Maybe Martian Manhunter should have taken the alias Dirk Gently.
Martian Manhunter running a holistic detective agency isn't that far-fetched since he's telepathic. Even if he's not outright reading people's minds, he's probably more attuned to the connections between things. If Batman had forgotten all about the murder because somebody mentioned a quiz show and then became obsessed with the quiz show only to figure out that the quiz show was connected to the murder, I'd purchase a ticket to New York, head down to DC's office building, and burn it to the fucking ground. But if Martian Manhunter figures this connection out through telepathy and vibes? Well, that's kind of what he does!
So Jones hangs out to watch the show and is treated to seeing the champion go off script during the taping.
So Jones hangs out to watch the show and is treated to seeing the champion go off script during the taping.
Goddamn! Who's sponsoring this show?! ConSec?
The director explains to everybody in the studio that the champion's head exploding was just a technical illusion. That's a good enough explanation for what happened because nobody wants to believe that they just witnessed a woman's head explode. Plus, Miss Joy, the champion, seemingly steps out from backstage and re-enters the booth! Only this time, she chooses horticulture like a person who wants to keep living. But before she answers The Big Question, she goes full on Body Snatcher on Martian Manhunter.
Don't worry! I'll get a They Live! reference in here somewhere!
Apparently the people running The Big Question are shape-shifters trying to take over the world! Or, at the very least, the world of game shows. But this creature that can see John when he's invisible who could also take the form of the recently dead champion has a lot in common with Martian Manhunter! Except they seem to be evil so let me guess: white Martian? It also explains what happened at the café. A Beatnik who could somehow see the aliens in their true forms (because Beatniks, man, are like in touch with The Real, dig?) realized two women at the café were aliens. So they chased him out of the café and shot him with, I don't know, laser eyes, I guess? Then they shifted into two macho crewcuts and headed back into the café where they basically shit on their cover right into John's brain.
Later at a local diner, Phil, one of the alien crew at The Big Question and Eddie, an alien singer, discuss how they're aliens. And they also prove me wrong about my speculation as to why Gerard Jones didn't quote Howl correctly.
Later at a local diner, Phil, one of the alien crew at The Big Question and Eddie, an alien singer, discuss how they're aliens. And they also prove me wrong about my speculation as to why Gerard Jones didn't quote Howl correctly.
Did I mention this was taking place in the '50s or did I just allude to it?
Will John feel more lonely learning that there are aliens doing exactly what he's doing on Earth? Pretending to be human? Why haven't they exposed themselves to him? Why don't they want to befriend another alien fooling humans the exact same way they are? I mean, obviously not the exact same way because that's the whole point of this story, probably! "Look at how J'onn J'onzz lies to the human race! Look at him pretending to be something he's not! He's manipulating them, gaslighting them, using them for his own gain and comfort!" But then we get to see how terrible aliens take advantage of the same power and skill set. Afterward, we go, "Oh, okay! J'onn is one of the good ones!"
No wait! Dammit! That isn't the conclusion I meant to come up with! Um, I think I'd better keep reading to find out what Gerard Jones' point is! Because I'm sure it's not that!
John Jones, Detective, saunters into the diner to ask Phil some questions. Turns out Jones remembers seeing Phil at Le Chat Noire as well as The Big Question. And when you're a holistic detective, there are no coincidences.
Phil's just fired Eddie. Eddie leaves in a huff, threatening to do some weird alien revenge shit, as Phil's new talent, Perkins Preston (not an alien), arrives with some information that Jones will find interesting: he seems to believe that some people in this world are actually lizards! He learned this from a guy in Times Square handing out pamphlets which, since this is the '50s, must be where David Icke learned about it. Jones, knowing he's basically one of these lizard people, believes this kid. There's a secret in America and Martian Manhunter is going to discover those American secrets!
Jones, knowing his investigative methods don't make any Earth sense (but they might make Martian sense!), heads to Times Square to find the guy with the lizard pamphlets. The man's a cartoonist who used to work for Nuts Magazine but was fired for drawing too many lizards in the marginalia. While he's picking up some Nuts Magazines for evidence, Jones discovers Earth pornography.
No wait! Dammit! That isn't the conclusion I meant to come up with! Um, I think I'd better keep reading to find out what Gerard Jones' point is! Because I'm sure it's not that!
John Jones, Detective, saunters into the diner to ask Phil some questions. Turns out Jones remembers seeing Phil at Le Chat Noire as well as The Big Question. And when you're a holistic detective, there are no coincidences.
Phil's just fired Eddie. Eddie leaves in a huff, threatening to do some weird alien revenge shit, as Phil's new talent, Perkins Preston (not an alien), arrives with some information that Jones will find interesting: he seems to believe that some people in this world are actually lizards! He learned this from a guy in Times Square handing out pamphlets which, since this is the '50s, must be where David Icke learned about it. Jones, knowing he's basically one of these lizard people, believes this kid. There's a secret in America and Martian Manhunter is going to discover those American secrets!
Jones, knowing his investigative methods don't make any Earth sense (but they might make Martian sense!), heads to Times Square to find the guy with the lizard pamphlets. The man's a cartoonist who used to work for Nuts Magazine but was fired for drawing too many lizards in the marginalia. While he's picking up some Nuts Magazines for evidence, Jones discovers Earth pornography.
I guess weirdoes don't read this because they'll see that all the naked women have lizard heads.
On the way back to the hotel, tired from a night of Martian investigating, Martian Manhunter learns about Hydrox cookies and capitalism.
"What's wrong wit' chyu dat you don't know dis shit? You an alien or sumpin?"
The next day, Jones attends the Forensics Conference where he learns all about how police will one day investigate crime using nothing but science! Jones tells the other guests at the conference how he's been investigating the Beatnik murder but not by following evidence at all. Instead he's been using anti-science by following hunches and references and comic books and lizard-headed people. Most of the other conference goers laugh it off but some guy named Swift is all, "Where are you staying so that I can send somebody to murder you tonight? I mean so we can discuss the dead Beatnik?" And Jones is all, "Here's my hotel and room number!" As a Martian, he's quite naïve when it comes to Earth customs like lying about your contact information and hiring assassins.
Shit! They've even got lizard-headed dogs!
I once worked with a woman named April who nicknamed Sassy the Social Butterfly simply because I'm the most charming piece of shit anybody's ever met. One night we were out cleaning floors of various 7-Elevens when I brought up David Icke's lizard people. She got really quiet and stared at me for some time before quietly asking, "You know about the lizard people?" What I'm saying is that I could have been killed! Luckily, April wasn't a lizard person; she was just merely terrified of them. Whew! Sassy escapes death once again!
I would think running around New York with your lizard heads out leading a couple of lizard dogs around on leashes killing people who have heard of the lizard-headed ones might be more dangerous to your secret than just letting Martian Manhunter continue his investigation while spreading misinformation that he's pretending to be a detective from Denver with a history of schizophrenia! How have these idiots kept their secret for this long when they can't resist blowing up women's heads, shooting Beatniks on the street, and destroying hotel rooms to murder some nosy investigator?
During the fight, the television is smashed and a fire starts. The lizard guys realize quickly that the fire weakens Jones. Martian Manhunter flees before they can get the upper hand, smashing through several floors of the hotel and seeing some titties on the way.
I would think running around New York with your lizard heads out leading a couple of lizard dogs around on leashes killing people who have heard of the lizard-headed ones might be more dangerous to your secret than just letting Martian Manhunter continue his investigation while spreading misinformation that he's pretending to be a detective from Denver with a history of schizophrenia! How have these idiots kept their secret for this long when they can't resist blowing up women's heads, shooting Beatniks on the street, and destroying hotel rooms to murder some nosy investigator?
During the fight, the television is smashed and a fire starts. The lizard guys realize quickly that the fire weakens Jones. Martian Manhunter flees before they can get the upper hand, smashing through several floors of the hotel and seeing some titties on the way.
Is Black Canary fucking Clark Kent?!
The next day, Jones begins investigating for real. He sneaks around Phil's office, the one guy he knows is in on the conspiracy, and hears some mobsters give him the order to fill all the jukeboxes in town with teenage singers. He's got to wipe everything else, even Frank Sinatra! Hoo boy! That's big news and directly from, um, Cuba! Oh no! The Juvenile Delinquents with their rock music and their horny crotches are being controlled by the Communists! This is huge! Except it's not, um, lizard people huge. But I guess the lizard people are controlling the media which is being used to control the teenagers which is being used to turn them against the status quo.
Oh man. I thought it was bad when I guessed the theme of this comic might be about seeing how Martian Manhunter is one of the good minorities. But now it's even worse because isn't this a bit, um, Jews Control Everything? I'm getting scared, guys. Hold me?
Jones confronts Phil and he spontaneously combusts. At least that's what it would look like to a detective who isn't investigating in a holistic way! Phil was probably murdered by the lizards for saying too much about Cuba to a non-lizard head! Preston Presley (or whatever his fake DC Elvis name is) runs into the office screaming about how the lizard people are all over the building. Jones points out that there's not easy way out of New York because the cops are corrupt. Preston, being the king of rock and roll Juvenile Delinquents, says, "Duh!" But Prelvis has an idea! They can take his pink Cadillac and escape! Time for the climactic chase scene!
Oh man. I thought it was bad when I guessed the theme of this comic might be about seeing how Martian Manhunter is one of the good minorities. But now it's even worse because isn't this a bit, um, Jews Control Everything? I'm getting scared, guys. Hold me?
Jones confronts Phil and he spontaneously combusts. At least that's what it would look like to a detective who isn't investigating in a holistic way! Phil was probably murdered by the lizards for saying too much about Cuba to a non-lizard head! Preston Presley (or whatever his fake DC Elvis name is) runs into the office screaming about how the lizard people are all over the building. Jones points out that there's not easy way out of New York because the cops are corrupt. Preston, being the king of rock and roll Juvenile Delinquents, says, "Duh!" But Prelvis has an idea! They can take his pink Cadillac and escape! Time for the climactic chase scene!
Patty Marie was on The Big Question Junior. We saw her briefly in a previous scan. I think her mother slash agent was a lizard head.
Prelvis manages to evade the cops and the trio head over one of the bridges to escape the city. Prelvis sees a sign for "Leavitzville" and claims, "That's where we can go to be safe! The suburbs!" Oh man! The naivete of people in the '50s! Just this night I was listening to Rush's Subdivisions and thinking about how crazy it is that so many people think of the suburbs as some idyllic setting. Even The Monkees saw how terrible it was! But as they drive into the suburbs thinking that they're going to find safety, I breathe a sigh of relief because I now know that Gerard Jones isn't writing a story about how some minorities are good or how the Jews control everything. This story is about critiquing white supremacy in America! Hallelujah!
Oh, sorry! I know some of you hate when comic books have messages that point out that the things you believe are the things bad people believe. But you know, y'all also think that somehow that's a new thing and hasn't always been the case. Probably because you're all so fucking stupid!
Martian Manhunter: American Secrets #1 Rating: A. This comic books gets an A but it was close, man! If my reading comprehension hadn't kicked in at the last moment due to Gerard Jones slapping me in the face with the white supremacy theme by having Martian Manhunter escape into the destination for all the white flight motherfuckers of the '50s, I would have been all, "This comic book gets a D+ for making me uncomfortable with some of its messaging!" Of course, I could still be wrong! There are two more issues left and for all I know, Gerard Jones might end with some kind of message proclaiming age of consent laws are the true subjugation of freedom. Oh yeah, and your mom likes her toes sucked!
Hmm, I've got to work on my debasing people's moms material.
Oh, sorry! I know some of you hate when comic books have messages that point out that the things you believe are the things bad people believe. But you know, y'all also think that somehow that's a new thing and hasn't always been the case. Probably because you're all so fucking stupid!
Martian Manhunter: American Secrets #1 Rating: A. This comic books gets an A but it was close, man! If my reading comprehension hadn't kicked in at the last moment due to Gerard Jones slapping me in the face with the white supremacy theme by having Martian Manhunter escape into the destination for all the white flight motherfuckers of the '50s, I would have been all, "This comic book gets a D+ for making me uncomfortable with some of its messaging!" Of course, I could still be wrong! There are two more issues left and for all I know, Gerard Jones might end with some kind of message proclaiming age of consent laws are the true subjugation of freedom. Oh yeah, and your mom likes her toes sucked!
Hmm, I've got to work on my debasing people's moms material.
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