Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #35 (Early August 1992)

The Legend of Fat Batman

I suppose I could have called this The Legend of Barbarian Batman but that might ruin my reputation as an brutally honest and edgy reviewer who can't help saying what's on their mind! I also contemplated The Legend of Sean Bean Batman but reconsidered when I didn't want to have to explain myself to all the people. I certainly didn't even begin to think, at all, to call this The Legend of Sexy Batman Whose Fat Dick is Almost Certainly Hanging Out Behind the Battle Axe.

I have a vague memory of discussing this comic book with my friend Upright back in 1992 but I can't exactly remember why (although I'm pretty sure it wasn't about Batman's fat dick). Does this comic book surmise that a "Batman" existed in some past era? I feel like we spent an afternoon roasting this comic book, probably over a game of Cyberball. Let's find out! Let's also hope we find out about that fat dick!

Some of you might be thinking, "Why are you so obsessed with fat dicks?" Well, I mean, when you're watching pornography, you don't want to see a pencil dick getting sucked, do you? Even a dick of average girth seems like a hollow porn moment when you know what the naked woman hiding under the massage table (in which a hole has been cut out) could actually be slurping on.

Also, Batman's got a fat dick, right? That's like not even up for debate.

Batman's nemesis for this issue.

Why's this guy gotta be an anachronism? Why can't the guy dressed like a Viking just be some weird or obsessed guy? Gotham's full of them: The Mad Hatter, The Riddler, The Penguin, Batman. Just another nut in a Halloween costume committing or fighting crime. The Viking isn't killing cops when Batman witnesses him so it's possible he's the next Cavalier. It's definitely not possible that he's actually a time traveling Viking. No wait. This is a comic book. It's totally possible.

You know what else is possible but I didn't contemplate? The Viking is Batman's new best friend!

Guess which fit billionaire has the other piece of that necklace at home!

Batman's been having gooey paranormal feelings all night long and now he knows why: he's found a long lost cousin who's exactly like him! He's also got half a necklace covered in Nordic runes! He also dresses like a lunatic to strike terror in the hearts of, well, if not criminals, corporate execs! And he almost lost his father the way Bruce actually did lose his father! They're basically the same person!

Batman translates the runes on the medallion and finds, when the two halves are put together, they read: "Go together. Read The Book of Gallund." The halves of this medallion have been kept by their families for 10 centuries. Which perhaps isn't too strange on its own. But when they read The Book of Gallund and find it tells the story of a Viking Prince and a "Bat Man" working together to defeat a giant, it's maybe a little too prophetic even for a comic book. Especially considering that Bruce Wayne's version of Batman has absolutely nothing to do with his supposed ancestor who dressed like a bat because he lived in a cave and dressed in a stupid bat costume.

Come on. This is really a Scarecrow story, right? And Batman's still back in Gotham tripping his fucking fat dick off since the beginning when he was exploring the warehouse district and feeling weird. Right?

Even if this turns out not to be a hallucination, even though Batman was hallucinating wolves and ravens before he even made it to the Viking fighting thugs, I'm going to remember it as a hallucination and a Scarecrow story. To believe this is canon to Batman's history is to climb under the massage table and suck Madness's fat dick. And I am not doing that even if it's all I can picture in my head right now and I'm starting to drool.

Here's how the story begins:

That's got to be Scarecrow gas, right? Please say I'm right. Please?

Viking Batman gets his ass kicked by the Giant. As payment for his trouble, the Giant not only steals all the town's valuables but kidnaps a girl as well.

"Whee! I'm free of your stench and mediocrity!"

For some reason, the town's pissed that Batman's resistance caused the Giant to kidnap this girl. She strikes me as the Belle of this town. Wouldn't they be glad to be rid of her? Waking up every morning and walking around the town being condescending and above it all. "This town! Full of little people! Living little lives! I dream of so much better than they're even capable! Fucking losers!"

Norse Batman retreats to his cave to pout until a young Viking Prince hears about him and comes to fetch him. They make a pact to defeat the Giant together the next time he comes to the village. "Best Friends Forever!" yells Batman while the Viking Prince says, "Whoa, hold up there, Charlie. We're just business partners." To prepare for their battle against the Giant, the besties climb a mountain to speak to the horniest oracle in the world.

If I didn't know from the credits that a man had written this comic book, I'd have known after reading that male gaze inspired Pablum.

If she was tempted to throw away her entire life because of the "heavy burden" carried by the Batman, imagine how wet she'd have been at Jesus Christ's crucifixion! Disgusting!

Sorry! I'm so sorry! Not for the blasphemy, of course. For the kink shaming! If downtrodden losers covered in bat guano lube her mechanism, why should I care? It's probably because my first reaction in every situation is a cynical one so my brain was all, "She's not into his heavy burden! She can just see the outline of his fat dick in his leather pants!"

Freyja the Oracle reads the bones and determines that the Giant can only be killed by being forced to swallow a "stone of the Loge". If I try to interpret any of that, Blogger will censor my post so I'll just take it as literal. The Oracle can't give the Besties directions though. She decides she'll have to go with them. Exactly the kind of thing an oracle trying to get up on Batman's fat dick would suggest.

On their journey to find the Loge Stone, the group discover the Hel, the Goddess of the Netherworld. They believe Hel can direct them on their quest but Hel tells them "Your fates have played a joke on you." What she means will have to wait until the conclusion of the story in the next issue though because Batman's current Viking best friend decides they need to take a break from reading The Book of Gallund so that he can call his father and make sure he's okay. Seems like a weird moment to want to make that call. They're right in the middle of the culmination of a thousand year prophecy and he's all, "You know what? This has waited a thousand years. It can wait a few more minutes for us to finish even though we could finish in a few more minutes and then I could suddenly worry about my dad." But Batman is all, "No! You must call your dad immediately! If I could call mine, I would! Go! Make sure he's safe! And pass me that box of Kleenex before you leave!"

But when Eriksson (that's Batman's best friend's name) makes the call, nobody answers! But they should answer! He claims they should be there and since they're not there after one try, something must be wrong! "My father always takes the phone in with him when he's crapping so he should answer! He's never been known to sleep through several rings! There's no time to try a second call! We must travel to Norway to save him!" And Batman, having lost his father because nobody acted in time, agrees! Forget whatever Hel was going to warn the previous Best Friends about! Surely it wouldn't have any bearing on the present day Besties even though this whole prophecy seemed set up in such a way that they would learn exactly what they needed to learn at this exact moment!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #35 Rating: C. It's a Scarecrow story, right?! If it's a Scarecrow story, I'll rate the next issue higher. But for now, if I'm to take this story at face value, it's fucking ridiculous. A Norse Batman that dresses just like modern Batman? Okay, sure, The Book of Gallund probably wasn't illustrated and the images of Norse Batman were just imaginative interpretations of what the present day Besties were picturing. But it's still pretty crazy, even for a fucking comic book, to have Batman and some Norwegian guy randomly meet up and discover they both have halves of a thousand-year-old medallion from their ancestors who both just happened to represent them exactly. This doesn't have to be a Scarecrow story exactly but it can't be literal. At the very least, it's got to be Barbara Gordon at a slumber party telling her friends "The Legend of Batman's Fat Dick."