Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Justice League America #73 (April 1993)

Are Maxima and Wonder Woman scissoring?

Whenever I'm on the freeway and a lane is closed ahead and people begin to merge over into the unblocked lanes, the first thing my mind thinks is, "The traffic is scissoring!" Then my brain blushes and corrects itself and thinks, "You mean zippering! Scissoring is the sexy thing, dumby!" I don't know who my brain is calling a dumby since it's the one that brought up the sexy lesbian wrestling move.

One time in junior high, I was sitting on the floor against my cousin's bed and her friend was sitting behind me and she suddenly grabbed my head and pushed the back of it against her crotch and I instantly fell in love for like ten years. My brain just thought about that and it was all, "Oh! Oh! Tell the people reading this stupid blog about that incident! Maybe it will be helpful advice for some woman who doesn't know how to get a guy to notice her!" Here are some other people with whom I fell in love in junior high and helpful advice on how they accomplished it: a girl leaned across my back pressing her boobies against me at the skating rink; Marilyn Mendoza by acknowledging my existence when I didn't think any girl ever really would (and also her smile!); a girl with Robert Smith hair would wear an Elfquest shirt to school; Midori Moody once pulled her sweater off in class and her shirt underneath lifted up with it exposing her bra; Grace Bamberger simply by existing in my Algebra class; a girl playfully sat on my lap at the bowling alley on New Years Eve; at a party in somebody's parents' garage, this girl Dessa put her head on my lap while I was sitting on a bench drinking a soda; a couple of girls were willing to play Spin the Bottle while I was a potential kissee at the Moffett Field military base in Mountain View although the game never actually got underway which was the most disappointing moment of my young life; the girls at the Manteca RV park who let me touch their legs up their inner thighs as we played some game called "Do You Trust Me?" I'm sure there were more but none of them involve Superman and the Justice League so I should probably shut up about them.

Man, falling in love was pretty awesome when it wasn't mixed up with relationships and sex! Is that the best part about being young? I think it might be. Also having a body that isn't betraying you at every turn was pretty cool too!

This is how this issue begins and I'm surprised I didn't take it back to the comic book store to get my $1.25 back for it.

If Junior High School Me were Ray in this picture, I probably would have instantly fallen in love with Destiny and her hand. It's almost touching his crotch!

The Ray's next line doesn't make me put my dick back in my pants either: "If you want impressive, I can jack it up a little more." What do you call it when you're sitting down but you're also swooning? Switting? Because that's what I'm doing right now. And Guy Gardner isn't helping matters.

Oh yeah? He's young and full of juice, is he, Guy?

Don't think my brain is the only one suddenly engorged with horny chemicals due to all of this jacking up the juices talk. Maxima's cup seems to runneth over too. If you actually pictured a cup in your mind when I said that, you're probably too young and shouldn't be reading my comic book reviews.

How was this dialogue approved by the Comics Code Authority?! Apparently they don't read the scripts; they just look for nipples, vampires, and injuries to eyes.

No wonder I've never been able to hold down a real job and had to invent my own business to make a living. DC Comics taught me that this was appropriate workplace banter!

Black Condor stands in the background and thinks about how joining the Justice League was a huge mistake and a waste of his time and he should be flying around the Pine Barrens doing absolutely nothing. He's my kind of hero! Which is why I was so disappointed with his comic book when he actually did fight villains and stop robberies and shit. Apparently if you're a half-naked guy with wings, you're expected to save some days and stop some crimes, even if you don't want to be bothered with other people's shit. He didn't even join to ogle Wonder Woman all day because she only joined after he did. Hmm. Did she join to ogle Black Condor? He is pretty fit.

Mind your own fucking business, Bloodwynd.

The Ray thinks everybody hates him because they don't want to see him go to full power. He couldn't hear them in the observation booth talking about how much they all wanted to fuck him. But I heard it. Or read it. And even wrote some of it!

The Justice League is contacted by the American military asking about their satellite that suddenly returned to orbit. Bloodwynd is all, "But that was destroyed! I mean, what is that? A space station? A small moon? Noah's ark? I am completely ignorant of this!" Guy Gardner, Bloodwynd, and The Ray are sent into space to investigate. I guess that means Doctor Destiny has somehow created a fascist dream team. But have they actually killed Star Sapphire? Or was all of that his dream which he had to build up in his mind for it to become real? That's my suspicion because nobody on Earth has been pointing out how awful Hawkman is. I mean no more than they previously were.

Is Firestorm's head actually on fire or does he just have wild, unkempt ginger hair?

Firestorm blasts everybody with a nuclear explosion which fries all of the military satellites. So Oberon contacts NASA and NASA, who aren't completely inept, are all, "Um, guys? There's nothing up there. That satellite isn't real. It's, like, totally obvious." But what does NASA know about hallucinations and materioptikons? Practically nothing! So they don't have any explanation for why Guy, The Ray, and Bloodwynd disappear along with the satellite after Firestorm blows the shit out of everything. But I do! They were blasted back to Doctor Destiny's dream Earth where China has been obliterated by The Atom and the Justice League rule the world. Somehow. I don't know all the details but I'm sure it all has to do with Doctor Destiny's power he siphoned from Morpheus's jewel.

After the satellite and their team members disappear, Oberon traces an energy reading similar to that of the satellite in the Nevada desert. So the rest of the Justice League decide to go investigate because if their team members have been disintegrated, what can they do about that? It's not like they were smart enough to hire Zatanna so she could be all, "Etargetnisidnu!" Out in the desert, they find The Lightning Squad's Super Villain Rehabilitation Clinic. That's the place run by that psychopath Hawkman where he tore off Sinestro's arms and stole his ring.

Speaking of Sinestro, Black Condor discovers him fleeing from the compound, stumbling through the desert with no arms. He rescues him just before a security ship blasts him into dust. But Hawkman is close behind! I hope Black Condor has more powers than just his stupid wings. Because Hawkman has a mace, a power ring, and a hard-on for extreme violence. Also, he kills Sinestro before Black Condor knows what's happening and then turns on Condor.

Back in Doctor Destiny's version of New York, Martian Manhunter knocks out Guy Gardner and The Ray so that he can face Bloodwynd one-on-one. Bloodwynd realizes this is impossible because, well, you know. He's the real Martian Manhunter! But how could Doctor Destiny know that?! Only Blue Beetle knows his secret and Blue Beetle was killed by Doomsday! I mean he should have been killed by Doomsday. His skull should have popped like an overripe corpse's distended belly run over by a monster truck. Or a grape, maybe, if the whole analogy was to help you think of something that wasn't quite as gross as Blue Beetle's head popping.

As all this other strange bullshit is going on, Doctor Destiny escapes Arkham. I don't know where he thinks he's headed. I guess he runs the world now so he can do whatever he wants. Although as he's making his way out of Gotham, The Atom collapses in the real Justice League headquarters, mumbling something about having not slept for days. So is that how this works? Doctor Destiny is inside The Atom's head, keeping him from dreaming so that his dreams infect the real world? Did I figure it out?

Justice League America #73 Rating: A+. Why do I love this kind of shit? This is the kind of comic book story I live for! I don't care that Doctor Destiny is fucking with the Justice League because it's all part of his plan to rule the world of his dreams. And it's not like he's totally in control, I bet. He's probably limited by the nightmares inside The Atom's head. Like The Atom's nightmare that he and the Justice League might one day overstep their bounds and become authoritarian oppressors of the entire world. Although even in his darkest nightmares, he can't picture Green Arrow becoming a conservative fascist asshole! Green Arrow is clearheaded even in somebody else's fantasy! Of course, Hawkman is a right asshole. That's just math.

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