I hope this guy's name is The Malingerer. I just want Deathstork to have an enemy named The Malingerer.
The Commentary!
• Douchéstork is written in short stories. It's almost as if Christ Priest (you can shorten Christopher to "Christ", right?) realized Deathstork wasn't interesting enough to carry a comic book all by himself so he decided to explore the entirety of his life through bullet points. Instead of learning about Deathstork through his own personal war journals, or his incessant Narration Boxing, the reader is allowed to see moments of Slade and his family's life to really see what makes Deathstork murder and have sex with underage females.
• The first short story is called "Home Alone". It's about how Joseph Wilson was constantly being left home by himself due to his mercenary parents constantly rushing off to other countries to assassinate people and his older brother throwing temper tantrums and running away because he didn't feel like his dad loved him enough. Joseph apparently doesn't feel loved enough either because when the house is empty, he invites a bunch of strange teenagers over to party on the off chance that a few of them might think, "Jake Wilbur is the coolest!"
• The second short story is called "Ishmael". It has nothing to do with the Moby Dick Ishmael which everybody probably first thought because holy fuck why are so many people in love with the novel Moby Dick?! It's almost as if they've got some kind of obsession or something?! No, this story is called "Ishmael" because it's about the sacrifice of a son. I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "But Tess! Isaac was the son who was almost sacrificed!" Sure, if you want to believe the Old Testament and the way the Old Testament contradicts itself! Because, seriously, you can't have Abraham sacrificing Isaac if he's sacrificing his only son. The only time Abraham had an only son was when he had Ishmael. The Koran gets it right. Although, to be absolutely fair and transparent, the Koran is a bit lax with its proper nouns. So it's not like it's super clear either! But at least it's not trying to obfuscate things on purpose to make Abraham's story about the Jewish line of decent and not about the Muslim line of descent. Although Joseph, who has been kidnapped and may be sacrificed, is the second son which would make him Isaac. So maybe the title did reference Moby Dick since the bloody writing on the wall says "CALL ME DEATHSTROKE". At least that's what Adeline reads. I think the bloody "E" may have merged with the comma.
• So that past story about Joseph getting kidnapped and eventually getting his throat slit which leads to Adeline putting out Slade's right eye is being told alongside the present story of Deathstroke being forced to wear an old costume that doesn't have boots with huge fucking cuffs on them.
• The next story is still in the past. It's called "Our Gang" and it's Slade's half of the story after he hangs up on Adeline and refuses to hear why she sounds so panicked. It's because somebody took her son and she thinks it's somebody called Deathstork. Slade doesn't have time to talk because he's busy yelling at Wintergreen for crashing the plane they're in.
• Douchéstork is written in short stories. It's almost as if Christ Priest (you can shorten Christopher to "Christ", right?) realized Deathstork wasn't interesting enough to carry a comic book all by himself so he decided to explore the entirety of his life through bullet points. Instead of learning about Deathstork through his own personal war journals, or his incessant Narration Boxing, the reader is allowed to see moments of Slade and his family's life to really see what makes Deathstork murder and have sex with underage females.
• The first short story is called "Home Alone". It's about how Joseph Wilson was constantly being left home by himself due to his mercenary parents constantly rushing off to other countries to assassinate people and his older brother throwing temper tantrums and running away because he didn't feel like his dad loved him enough. Joseph apparently doesn't feel loved enough either because when the house is empty, he invites a bunch of strange teenagers over to party on the off chance that a few of them might think, "Jake Wilbur is the coolest!"
• The second short story is called "Ishmael". It has nothing to do with the Moby Dick Ishmael which everybody probably first thought because holy fuck why are so many people in love with the novel Moby Dick?! It's almost as if they've got some kind of obsession or something?! No, this story is called "Ishmael" because it's about the sacrifice of a son. I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "But Tess! Isaac was the son who was almost sacrificed!" Sure, if you want to believe the Old Testament and the way the Old Testament contradicts itself! Because, seriously, you can't have Abraham sacrificing Isaac if he's sacrificing his only son. The only time Abraham had an only son was when he had Ishmael. The Koran gets it right. Although, to be absolutely fair and transparent, the Koran is a bit lax with its proper nouns. So it's not like it's super clear either! But at least it's not trying to obfuscate things on purpose to make Abraham's story about the Jewish line of decent and not about the Muslim line of descent. Although Joseph, who has been kidnapped and may be sacrificed, is the second son which would make him Isaac. So maybe the title did reference Moby Dick since the bloody writing on the wall says "CALL ME DEATHSTROKE". At least that's what Adeline reads. I think the bloody "E" may have merged with the comma.
• So that past story about Joseph getting kidnapped and eventually getting his throat slit which leads to Adeline putting out Slade's right eye is being told alongside the present story of Deathstroke being forced to wear an old costume that doesn't have boots with huge fucking cuffs on them.
• The next story is still in the past. It's called "Our Gang" and it's Slade's half of the story after he hangs up on Adeline and refuses to hear why she sounds so panicked. It's because somebody took her son and she thinks it's somebody called Deathstork. Slade doesn't have time to talk because he's busy yelling at Wintergreen for crashing the plane they're in.
Apparently you talk upside down and backwards when you're upside down. I had no idea!
• The next story is called "Two Guns" and takes place in the present in Edinburgh. Wintergreen and Wilson are visiting one of the guys who was in that crashed plane eight years ago. I would have guessed it was eighteen years ago based on how badly he and Wintergreen have aged. Wintergreen is searching for the person who was responsible for his kidnapping and only five people knew he was still alive (four if you don't count Wintergreen himself which I totally wouldn't but Wintergreen chooses to do for--I don't know--accuracy's sake?). After Wintergreen and Wilson, their old mate Fredric was one of them. It probably doesn't matter who the others were because it was probably Adeline who had Wintergreen kidnapped.
• In the hopes that Slade doesn't murder him, Fredric tells a story about a man named Racskowski. Why couldn't he be named Smith?! I'll never remember how to spell that! Although the story Fredric tells is called "Rax" so I can probably just refer to him as Rox from here on out. I mean Rax!
• Rax was the other guy in the plane! The story is about how he was murdered by some unknown assailants in a way that would make it look like Rax hung himself (which is probably why Fredric's bar is called "The Hanged Man")! They were unknown because nobody could question them after Deathstork murdered them to death.
• Fredric points out the last person who went on the mission where the plane crashed in Cambodia and Slade probably impregnated a whore with Rose (since the next story is called "Rose" and since that's sort of how it happened in the Preboot, Post-Crisis era) was a Canuck named Isherwood. Unless he didn't go on the mission because he wasn't in the plane that crashed earlier. Although he could have been in the back! I don't know because I haven't read the short story that tells his tale yet.
• In the hopes that Slade doesn't murder him, Fredric tells a story about a man named Racskowski. Why couldn't he be named Smith?! I'll never remember how to spell that! Although the story Fredric tells is called "Rax" so I can probably just refer to him as Rox from here on out. I mean Rax!
• Rax was the other guy in the plane! The story is about how he was murdered by some unknown assailants in a way that would make it look like Rax hung himself (which is probably why Fredric's bar is called "The Hanged Man")! They were unknown because nobody could question them after Deathstork murdered them to death.
• Fredric points out the last person who went on the mission where the plane crashed in Cambodia and Slade probably impregnated a whore with Rose (since the next story is called "Rose" and since that's sort of how it happened in the Preboot, Post-Crisis era) was a Canuck named Isherwood. Unless he didn't go on the mission because he wasn't in the plane that crashed earlier. Although he could have been in the back! I don't know because I haven't read the short story that tells his tale yet.
That was a rough eight years! Although I'm probably entering those eight years now as I turn 45. I should take a before picture now and an after picture in eight years and see if they're similar to this!
• Lillian (Rose's mother) runs a hotel where mercenaries in Cambodia go to have a nice cup of tea and a short nap between missions. She's also the kind of person who mentions how smart they are which means she isn't really that smart. Although it's a comic book so there aren't many ways to let the reader know how smart a character is without somebody vocalizing the fact. And since Lillian doesn't have an advocate the reader can trust to tell us how smart she is, she has to do it herself. But if she were a real person and I met her at a party and she was all, "I'm smarter than 75% of the people I meet," I would probably try to have sex with her. I mean, if I met her at a party and she said, "Der! Der duh der doy!", I'd probably try to have sex with her.
• Apparently Slade has already had sex with her. Several years ago so Rose can be a teenager in the present time.
• Oh! I guess I was mistaken about who was in the plane. Isherwood was the guy in the glasses. Fredric was just the recon guy sent to check out the brothel run by Lillian, the person Slade and his team were trying to rescue. Wait. He got paid for that?
• The brothel was attacked by drug cartel muscle and in the ensuing rescue, Fredric was shot by a ten year old girl with silver hair. Why did she have silver hair when Deathstork's hair only turned as he got older? Was it because Slade's semen was full of the lie detecting drugs which gave him his power? Did he have his powers ten years ago?! Maybe I just don't understand genetics.
• Fredric admits that he happened to mention to somebody that maybe Wintergreen wasn't actually dead which is all Slade needs to head to Canada to find Isherwood.
• Apparently Slade has already had sex with her. Several years ago so Rose can be a teenager in the present time.
• Oh! I guess I was mistaken about who was in the plane. Isherwood was the guy in the glasses. Fredric was just the recon guy sent to check out the brothel run by Lillian, the person Slade and his team were trying to rescue. Wait. He got paid for that?
• The brothel was attacked by drug cartel muscle and in the ensuing rescue, Fredric was shot by a ten year old girl with silver hair. Why did she have silver hair when Deathstork's hair only turned as he got older? Was it because Slade's semen was full of the lie detecting drugs which gave him his power? Did he have his powers ten years ago?! Maybe I just don't understand genetics.
• Fredric admits that he happened to mention to somebody that maybe Wintergreen wasn't actually dead which is all Slade needs to head to Canada to find Isherwood.
Why is Wintergreen so familiar with Batman and the way he disappears? I bet he's an old SAS friend of Alfred's and Alfred talks way too much when they get together to drink and reminisce.
• The Doctor Slade goes to see is Isherwood. The guy in the plane with the glasses. Otherwise known as Ikon. Or Doctor Ikon. Or Professor Ikon. He's the guy who built the suit Slade is currently wearing. He's also got his own suit and can fly. So instead of just asking him questions about Wintergreen's kidnapping, he has to also punch him a lot.
• Dr. Ikon is a hero of God. He uses that as an excuse to judge Slade's life of killing even though God loves to kill for justice even more than Slade! Or at least he used to before his peacenik son decided to change the entire message, so much so that it's barely recognizable from one Testament to the other. Almost as if they don't actually have anything to do with each other!
• Slade knows Dr. Ikon wasn't the guy to rat out Wintergreen but he needed more information to help find the people who killed Rax and kidnapped Wintergreen. Wintergreen, meanwhile, kills Fredric. It also turns out they were doing these things at the same time and the Deathstork in Fredric's bar was just a guy paid to hang out in the costume and look scary. Anyway, that whole thing is still a story that is happening. But now they have a twist that is probably tied to that story: Deathstork received a contract to kill somebody named The Ravager. I suppose Deathstork doesn't know anything about Rose yet. But the silver hair and the blue and orange uniform seems to show she knows about him.
The Review!
I forgot I wasn't doing a review section anymore! I'm not a Reviewer! I'm a Reader! But I will keep leaving undefended changes in the rank of the comic book which place it in an imaginary list of comics from best to worst!
The Ranking: +1! If you want to read about Rose Wilson's first appearance, check it out here!
• Dr. Ikon is a hero of God. He uses that as an excuse to judge Slade's life of killing even though God loves to kill for justice even more than Slade! Or at least he used to before his peacenik son decided to change the entire message, so much so that it's barely recognizable from one Testament to the other. Almost as if they don't actually have anything to do with each other!
• Slade knows Dr. Ikon wasn't the guy to rat out Wintergreen but he needed more information to help find the people who killed Rax and kidnapped Wintergreen. Wintergreen, meanwhile, kills Fredric. It also turns out they were doing these things at the same time and the Deathstork in Fredric's bar was just a guy paid to hang out in the costume and look scary. Anyway, that whole thing is still a story that is happening. But now they have a twist that is probably tied to that story: Deathstork received a contract to kill somebody named The Ravager. I suppose Deathstork doesn't know anything about Rose yet. But the silver hair and the blue and orange uniform seems to show she knows about him.
The Review!
I forgot I wasn't doing a review section anymore! I'm not a Reviewer! I'm a Reader! But I will keep leaving undefended changes in the rank of the comic book which place it in an imaginary list of comics from best to worst!
The Ranking: +1! If you want to read about Rose Wilson's first appearance, check it out here!
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