Saturday, March 5, 2016

Batman Beyond #10

Good thing DC keeps reminding me about the Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us movie or I'd probably forget it was out in theaters on March 25th! I hope they remind me when it's in second run though because that's when I'll probably see it. If, you know, I don't forget about it.

I'm not sure if this comic book is meant to be a story about Tim Drake in the future or a delivery vehicle for Batman Loves Superman ads! Here's the inside cover:

The sexual tension is palpable! They should have made this advert with that 3-D effect so you could see their boners grow when you moved the page.

So Rebirth is on the horizon which might refresh some of my enthusiasm for writing about DC Comics. I just ran out of stuff to say about them after four years! How many times can I point out that the Teen Titans are jerk-offs and Green Arrow's comic book may as well have been replaced by the clerk at your Local Comic Book store slapping you in the face after handing them $2.99? Plus I'll be able to increase my word count because I'm certain to constantly write "REBIRTH!" after every two or three sentences.

This issue begins with Tim Drake battling a Tigerman and an Apeboy and a Womangirl. Unless the female is some kind of otter. But she only seems to have two breasts so I'm guessing she's a human or a bird. I don't think normal birds have boobs because they feed their babies vomit but I'm fairly certain that all human-bird hybrids have perky tits. Except for Big Bird.

Who made you, Tim Drake, arbiter of personal decisions? Maybe Apeboy likes having a huge gorilla cock even if he ejaculates almost immediately every time he rubs on anything. That's what gorillas do, right? Hmm. I'm beginning to suspect that Planet of the Rapes wasn't a documentary on gorilla culture.

While Tim Drake battles beastpeople and argues "philosophy" with a mad scientist, Matt McGinnis discovers the Justice League trapped in stasis tubes. I guess they weren't turned into Eyeborgs after all. Because that was Futures End bullshit that kind of painted this future's possibilities into a corner. But revealing that the Justice League survived means more variety for the DC Youniverse's bleak and awful future that came about because DC likes the idea that its heroes just aren't good enough to, ultimately, save the world. The members still alive are a Green Lantern, Big Barda, Warhawk, and Aquagirl. So, you know, the C-Team.

You know what the "C" stands for.

Over in Gotham, the refugees storm the city just before an ad for a new Superman trade featuring the "Before Truth" story arc. They decided to go with an IGN review blurb rather than use one of mine. I knew I used the word "shit" too many times!

Tim Drake is speciesist. What would be wrong with a half-giraffe girl or a sexy ladybug?

The Justice League is hypnotized by an elephant man because you know how that is. You go to the zoo and you can't stop staring at the elephant waiting to see it pop a boner or take a huge piss. It's mesmerizing! The Justice League now think that Batman Beyond is a cyborg. It's as good an excuse as any to get good guys to battle each other! It's also a good time for Tuftan the Tiger to learn that his mad scientist creator has been lying to him. And if there is one thing felines can't stand, it's being lied to and/or string. Cuvier, the mad scientist, also mentions how the Justice League Cyborgs weren't actually the Justice League, probably for those reasons I mentioned earlier about how shitty and boring this world would be if all of the heroes from just a few decades earlier had been murdered and turned into weaponized toaster ovens.

The next advert is for Wonder Woman Year One by Grant Morrison. Since it hasn't come out yet, DC has decided not to use any quotes by IGN or Comic Book Resources, even though I'm sure they already have some raving reviews ready to go. "'The most dramatic version of Wonder Woman I've seen since the first five minutes of the Wonder Woman porn parody!' -- Chris Sims." Instead, they went with a Grant Morrison quote about his own work.

Did Grant Morrison okay the punctuation in this quote?

Big Barda eventually believes she kills Batman but she doesn't realize that before she could kill him, Matt McGinnis sank his battleship which, um, helped Tim escape somehow or something.

Batman Beyond #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better than it should be. What it should be is forgotten by everybody who read Futures End all the way through. I'm not denying that Futures End had some interesting parts or that it actually made me like Grifter for a few seconds but, overall, it was mediocre with an ending that had DC shitting all over the future of its characters. But Dan Jurgens is slowly changing the future by pretending a lot of the stuff that happened actually happened in a way that wasn't so stupid. I mean, it was just stupid in a different way that could lead to more interesting future stories! So hopefully it gets to some of those before REBIRTH!

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