Doomed #6

I don't know what these monsters are but I hope they win.

Now that this is the last issue of Doomed (I hope?), how long before Doomed becomes a regularly appearing guest in Red Hood Loves Arsenal? How proud do you think Scott Lobdell is with the creation of this character who is basically Spider-man with all of Spider-man's supporting cast? Alpha Centurion has already moved on to the Teen Titans because that book didn't already have enough awful characters that are all being under-utilized. I suppose if a writer doesn't have a story, it's always convenient to just bring in more heroes to battle the regular heroes in the book. Nobody thinks of it as overcrowded! It's just more possibilities for a buyer of comic books to see that their favorite character is in the story! So a lot like Doomed which needed to bring in Wonder Girl and then Superman to make sure somebody was still going to purchase the last couple of issues. Certainly not many people who read the first few issues planned on buying them.

See? Even Scott Lobdell knows the only people picking up this book are new to it and have no idea what Reiser looks like!

I'm glad Reiser thinks of himself as brilliant because I'm absolutely certain that nobody else would. What kind of an idiot puts on a hazmat suit to clean out a room used for quarantines at STAR Labs and decides to remove the helmet because it's too stuffy? That's the kind of thing an idiot would do. I hope my sister appreciates how I chose to use "idiot" in the last sentence rather than "my sister." I just figure not enough people reading this know my sister so they might have been confused by the sentiment.

The monster attacking Superman, Doomed, and Alpha Centurion is called Mother Herd. It doesn't have any breasts so it must be reptilian. Or avian. Or amphibian. Or...you know what? It's just not a mammal! But according to the cover, the bumps on its back are probably all of its little offspring. It's like one of those horrible spiders that carry all of the little baby spiders on its back which--considering I ever accidentally stumbled upon one of those or found one *SHUDDER* crawling on me--would instantly drive me insane. I like spiders. I let spiders live in my house. Sometimes I catch them and put them outside. But they still creep me the everloving fuck out. Especially when you feel something on your skin and look over and the spider is all, "Hi! Hi! I'm here! I'm on you! Whee! Isn't this pleasant?!" Then the spider is greeted with "AAARRRRRGLLEEE SPLARGGGLE!" as every muscle in my body explodes into action and I become an epileptic octopus.

Oh wait. Alpha Centurion is neither an Elizabethan nor a Roman. He's Thor. That fits in with the whole homage to (and not stolen at all) Spider-man theme going on here.

The art is horrible this issue.

Javier Fernandez must have gotten the script for this month's issue and thought, "Wait. I thought this was already cancelled?! I don't have time for this shit!"

I suppose I should also blame the colorist since Ulises is probably responsible for giving Superman the plastic Count Dracula wig.

Doomed-man sits back and watches Superman and Alpha Centurion do most of the fighting. That way, Scott Lobdell can fill the entire comic book with Doomed-man's thoughts. He can't speak in a comprehensible language so instead he Roy Harpers up the joint. That means he stinks it up while thinking stupid shit that sounds like he's spinning commentary on the shittiest movie ever made. Dumb people appreciate that kind of comic book writing. Without the Narration Boxes, things might get ambiguous. And you know what they say about ambiguity! It's the Twitter Mob's Playground!

Doomed-man begins to empathize with the monster because he knows what it's like to be thought of as a monster even when you're not. Hmm. I wonder who else in this group might empathize with that? Who else in this group has constantly been harassed by people thinking he's a monster? And what asshole writer thought it was an appropriate way to write him and the people of Metropolis? That was a clue!

It's Superman! Superman is the one I was talking about! Who did you think I meant? Alpha Centurion? Oh, you!

So basically this might be the only story Scott Lobdell knows how to write. Hero is hated by everybody and must learn to deal with it. He did get his big break writing The X-men and that's about 98% of all X-men stories.

But now this book is about Doomed-man and not about Superman. So even though Superman has been going through the things Doomed-man is now going through, Superman won't be the one to think that maybe Mother Herd is just being judged unfairly. No, now Superman will be a perpetrator of prejudice and ignorance! It's up to Lobdell's new main focus to show that not everybody who looks like a monster actually is a monster. The reverse is also true! Scott Lobdell doesn't look like a monster but would you want him under your bed or in your closet anyway?

Oh no! Aunt May's dog thinks it's a dalmatian and is running towards the danger!

Mother Herd throws a ship on top of Superman which causes him to almost drown. But Doomed-man picks it up and saves the day! He also decapitates Mother Herd with it. I guess the empathizing wasn't very serious. It was just to show that Doomed-man cares more than other heroes who simply begin throwing punches at anything that looks different from them.

Superman is out cold long enough for Alpha Centurion to turn his heroic rage against Doomed-man since Doomed-man, you know, looks like a monster. Even though he, you know, helped defeat Mother Herd. I feel like Scott Lobdell has been beating me about the head with a battleship throughout this whole series. "Don't judge a book by its cover, guys!"

Luckily Superman gains consciousness in time to stop Alpha Centurion. That's also when Doomed-man finally finds the ability to speak. I guess so that somebody will still want to use him in a later book. If he couldn't talk, he might just go the way of Skitters and never appear again. And even though Superman saved him, Superman still believes he needs to take Doomed-man in to STAR Labs because he's a danger to other people.

Maybe somebody who isn't running around with possibly the most dangerous virus in the solar system can make that argument. You though? You go to STAR Labs Prison.

Oui Oui appears and finally shows that she likes Doomed-man. Superman points out that he also has a dog so he's going to let the guy with the contagious Doomsday virus go about his business infecting everybody he coughs on. Totally got to watch the backs of your fellow dog lovers, you know?!

Oh sure. That sounds like a better plan than getting Reiser the medical treatment he needs. Let him be a hero until he fucks up and then make him disappear. Is this Batman in a Superman mask?

I hope this comic book doesn't end with "Not the end!" because I don't want to have to scan another picture just to prove that I knew it would end with "Not the end!"

Whew! It doesn't end that way. But it does end mentioning how Doomed-man will be in Teen Titans #14. Why am I still reading that comic book?! It just keeps getting worse and worse!

Mary Jayne did not make an appearance in this issue. I think Superman may have killed her.

Doomed #6 Rating: No change. Scott Lobdell does not have characters guest star in his comic books so that he can utilize the things that make those characters great to make his stories better. No, he just brings them in so that they can say something horrible or awful and stupid which the main character of his book can point out is horrible or awful or stupid which makes his main character look better by comparison. In this issue, Superman does not offer to help Doomed recover in any way. He just shrugs and points out that the virus is incurable. Then he lets Doomed go about his business instead of trying to get him medical attention for the virus that is turning him into Doomsday. So what if Doomed can now speak in the Doomsday form. He's still becoming Doomsday! That could be a catastrophe! But Superman trusts that this kid has got things under control instead of helping the kid to find a cure or, if that fails, helping the kid to control the virus inside him. No, instead Superman decides to let him go about unsupervised and threatens to make him disappear if Doomed ever does anything wrong ever again. Superman! What a guy! Also I'm glad this comic book has ended and please do not put Scott Lobdell on any more comic books, DC. Just let Red Hood Loves Arsenal run its course and let old Scotty fade into obscurity! Or take him back around the barn and deal with him. He's your dog now!