Green Lantern #47

What to use for the next Coast City Gazette headline? "Green Lantern Returns!" or "Fifty Dead in Coast Highway Pile-up"?

Two Sinestro Corps members that I've never seen before begin this comic book by flying through space pissing themselves in fear. You'd think being a Yellow Lantern would make you fearless but if you were fearless than you'd be a Green Lantern! Unless I have that all wrong. I've never really cared about the spectrum lanterns. Some people think it's the Epic of Gilgamesh of Green Lantern comic books. I think it's more "elaborating on an idea Geoff Johns had while trolling for supportive ex-wives of participants in the Gay Pride Parade."

You know how Sinestro wasn't really a great fit for the Green Lanterns even though he met the criteria? I want a story about the Blue Lanterns where a ring chooses somebody like Hitler or Donald Trump to be a member. Not that I'm equating Donald Trump with Hitler because only one of those guys was charismatic.

Anyway, back to the two Sinestro Corps members I've never seen before. I mean, I don't think I've seen them before. Maybe I have. It's just that they're all kind of goofy and ridiculous and since these two are about to be killed by a Green Lantern that may or may not be an aspect of Hal Jordan which escaped during some weird story from the seventies that will be referenced, I'm assuming they're not important members of the Sinestro Corps. In my shriveled little heart of hearts, I kind of hope these are Cullen Bunn's two favorite Sinestro Corps members.

Hal Jordan has now returned to Earth to check on his family. Luckily Guy and the Red Lanterns aren't around to beat him up for being in Sector 2814. Although Warworld is hovering on the other side of the planet battling the Pale Bishop's army! I hope Hal doesn't get drawn into that bullshit.

Hal has a little bit of trouble breaking into his brother's place.

Do to his hair?! He's obviously done absolutely nothing to it!

The cop tells Hal's brother that there will be a fine for a false alarm. Oh bullshit! I don't believe that's how these things actually work! Although, having set off a number of alarms myself due to my floor business, I don't believe the police actually respond to these alarms like this! The first matter of business is for the alarm company to do its due diligence and call the residence to find out if it's a mistake. Then the robber answers the phone and says, "Oh, um, yeah. I'm the, like, um, floor guy or something. They changed the code on the alarm and shit." Then they also contact the manager or owner of the property who tells them that they weren't expecting the floor guy so maybe they should send the cops. Then the cops come and if it is the floor guy and he's white, nobody gets shot and it all resolves nicely except for the part where the floors still need to be cleaned and waxed.

Hal's brother's apartment is boring. No way he has a family if his place looks like that. No wife because there is no color. No kids because there is no mess. Although it's possible he does have a wife and kids' corpses under the bare floorboards.

Why is Hal's brother so obsessed with guys having long hair?! His brother returns from space and in the first five minutes, he brings up Hal's hair at least three times!

Hal and his brother Jim meet up with his brother's wife and kids at the amusement park on the pier where Sonar is planning some kind of terrorist attack. I bet this is the court ordered location to exchange the kids for visits because I still don't believe a woman lives in that apartment.

At the park, Jim continues to be unlikeable as he criticizes the way other people don't wear button up shirts tucked into belted pants with tight haircuts.

Jim's kids are on the Ferris wheel when Sonar's bomb is set off by the ambient noise of the park. That explains why it's all tilted and falling down on the cover! I just figured The Joker fucked it up years ago and nobody bothered to fix it.

Hal tries to keep everybody from dying but it looks like he might have failed to save his nephew Howard because fuck Howard. What did he ever bring to this comic book anyway?! It's his own fault for being a supporting character in a superhero comic book, the little bastard. Hal's been around a long time and should have already learned the bit about not being able to save everyone but it's nice to remind smug and arrogant heroes of the fact every now and again by shoving a girlfriend in the fridge or dropping a nephew on his head or introducing a sidekick to a crowbar.

Meanwhile in space, the Green Lantern killing Yellow Lanterns is old Hal Jordan in his Parallax costume. He's muttering shit about Emerald Twilights and Crimson Dawns. I suppose this is the actual Preboot universe Parallax who went back in time to help stop the Crisis On Infinite Earths from ever happening. Like Lois and Clark, he must have been allowed to live in whatever universe he wanted and he chose the DC You because it needed better space protection.

Green Lantern #47 Rating: No change. Often I've found myself quietly contemplating my life sat outside a local coffee shop drinking iced tea and thinking, "You know what I never got my fill of? Parallax!" Then I shatter the tea cup and gouge out my own eyes for simply thinking something so stupid. Then people passing by rush up to help and scream, "Somebody call 911! This guy was obviously wishing for more Parallax stories!" Then I wake up screaming, not because I just dreamt about gouging out my eyes but because my dream-self actually contemplated needing more Parallax stories. It's also why I don't sleep with anything sharp near the bed because I always look around for something to gouge out my eyes when I have that dream. Um, anyway, yay! Parallax is back! Now where did I leave those scissors?!