Saturday, December 5, 2015

Bizarro #6

This is how Americans think of Canada.

I'd say that this cover was insulting to Canadians but if I were a Canadian, I'd probably just say, "Yoo left oot the beer, eh?" It must be nice living in a country where the only thing people picture when they hear your country's name is snow, hockey, moose, beer, and cops who ride horses. Much better than picturing corpses riddled with bullets, bankers doing coke off the detached bathroom mirror of a house they just repossessed, and a populace too stupid to believe in science because Jesus is their best friend. I wish somebody could make a cute depiction of a typically American scene! I wonder what kinds of images Norman Rockwell would paint for magazine covers today? Phelpsian assholes picketing children's funerals? Bitter, angry pricks hassling women as they enter Planned Parenthood? Motherfucking gun enthusiast horse rapists who think they're bad-ass heroes terrorizing people in the street while calling it an open carry protest? Police ramming a broom up the backside of an African American in their custody? There's just so many images to choose from that simply scream "AMERICA!"

Fun Tess Memory Fact! Remember how I'm constantly pointing out that my brain has a problem with labeling things which means that I almost certainly cannot remember any names at the exact moment I need them? It's the kind of thing that would make me the worst Jeopardy player in the world (although occasionally my brain works fine and I'm amazed that it can remember any name at all). It's one of the reasons I'm constantly making up nicknames for comic book characters because I can't remember a character but don't want to ruin the flow of my thought so I just stick in a descriptive title. Then when I reread my commentary from the previous month just before reading the new month's book, I am reminded of the nickname but not the real name and so the nickname sticks! Anyway, I couldn't quite pull out "Norman Rockwell" from the vault so I had to ask Lord Google about "guy who painted covers for Life". I realize he wasn't most famous for Life covers but Lord Google knew what I was getting at. If I couldn't remember Norman Rockwell, there wasn't any way I was going to then come up with "Saturday Evening Post." No wait. That's not true. Often I come up with people's names exactly by working through the names of other things and approaching the name I want from behind via a twisty and circuitous route.

Bizarro has left Jimmy Olsen to die in the desert because Jimmy hurt his feelings. Judging by the attitudes of most people in America today, I guess that's equitable? Somebody hurts your feelings; you destroy their life completely. But Jimmy is rescued by the bad guy that I had forgotten all about: King Tut's Daughter, Queen Tut! Wait. That can't be right.

I would have been okay with Jimmy dying.

Bizarro has headed back to Metropolis where he finally gets to meet Superman. Maybe Superman will tell Bizarro how he judged him from afar and asked his pal Jimmy Olsen to secretly kill Bizarro and dump him in a Canadian ice pond. You would expect Superman to have begun the story having a heartfelt chat with Bizarro rather than pissing all over him behind his back. But then, this is a Bizarro comic book and this is Part One of the story, so maybe Superman is having the talk with Bizarro at exactly the right point in Bizarro's fucked up and confusing way of viewing life.

"That's a great question" is not an answer. When somebody says "That's a great question," what they really mean is "Motherfucker! I'm not prepared to answer that question and now you expect me to think something up on the spot?!"

Answering "That's a great question" to any question can actually mean a lot of things. I simply know I hate when people fucking say it. When somebody responds that way, I immediately believe they are an asshole and a moron, even if I really like them for whatever the reason they're being interviewed for! Another phrase I wish people would stop using because it makes them sound like pricks is "To be honest." Well, yes, that was my presupposition going into the conversation. That we were going to be fucking honest with each other. Otherwise I would stop talking to you. Here's one way to get me to end a conversation immediately as if we were on the phone and I just hung up but awkwardly because I'm standing right in front of you and now have gone completely silent and have begun pretending you don't exist: accuse me of lying about anything I've just said. Okay, if we're joking around about shit, I won't mind you calling me an arsed-faced liar. But if we're having a discussion which maybe is getting not quite heated but maybe a little cozy and you flat out accuse me of lying to your face, I'll end the conversation. Because obviously you've stopped giving a shit about anything that might destroy the illusion of a world where you know everything. And why is it my job to convince you--somehow!--that I'm not lying? At that point, you can just go fuck yourself.

Superman teaches Bizarro the meaning of friendship so Bizarro decides to go find Jimmy. But he has no idea where he might be?! Hopefully there's an improbably television set playing nearby, preferably a gigantic screen hanging off of a building blaring the fucking volume for some stupid reason.

Whew! Bizarro is lucky comic book writers believe that huge televisions blare the volume out into the city disrupting everybody's life in the apartments nearby.

I've never actually been to New York so if the big screens in Times Square actually do have volume, I apologize to writers, artists, and letterers of comic books everywhere. I also apologize to everybody renting anywhere near those things because that would be a fucking nightmare. The light is bad enough but the noise pollution would drive me crazy. I can't even stand my neighbor's wind chimes! Which I don't have to stand anymore because I took care of them. Shh, wind chimes. Shh. Just let go. It'll all be over soon.

Luckily for fans of Bizarro's penis, Queen Tut's broadcast instantly reaches Bizarro's penis's space ship half a light year away. He forces the grays piloting the ship to turn back to Earth and that's when it is revealed that Bizarro's Penis was once a Green Lantern. Why isn't that a comic book? "Me am wearing green cock ring! Me penis am not Green Lantern of Sector 9600!"

Queen Tut tries to stop Bizarro by freezing his crotch. Little does she know, his penis is half a light year away.

Not only Colin heard Queen Tut's totally scientifically accurate broadcast. All of the other friends Bizarro made along his journey have heard too! And they've come to help save Jimmy Olsen! Or they just wanted some on-panel time since Zatanna and Deadman currently aren't appearing anywhere. Big Munk the H'lvenite appear along with Spooky Mulder, I-Can't--No!--I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully, Kilowog's cousin, and Chastity Hex.

Jimmy is a boring twat. Or has he been hanging around Bizarro too much and he's actually agreeing to using name?

And apparently the bad guys immediately give up or something because Bizarro's penis is way too powerful. Jimmy and Bizarro hug and make up because that's the way a story like this is supposed to end. Nobody wants realism in a story about best friends because it always ends with them drifting apart and barely staying in touch over social media until they really only see each other for one weekend every five years or so...if that! That's a boring story and dumb ending. It's better if stories pretend that best friends stay together forever!

Bizarro #6 Rating: No change. The story ends with Bizarro and Jimmy being refused entrance to Canada so that they have to head back home to Metropolis. That was probably a spoiler. But I think spoilers are good things if you're a Bizarro! Then the narrator threatens us with another mini-series basically telling the same road trip story but in reverse. That story, of course, depends on how well the trade sells. My advice? Nobody buy the trade! This wasn't an interesting enough story for a sequel! It was also really hard to believe because superheroes love to fight each other and mistrust each other and hold grudges against each other but all the heroes in this book love Bizarro! Oh! I get it! It's Bizarro Superhero Friendship! I love Bizarro but I'm still glad this mini-series is over. It went about five issues too long.

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