Thursday, December 31, 2015

Justice League #47

Is this a redesign of Finch's Wonder Woman costume? I miss the "V for Vagina" skirt.

It's almost as if Geoff Johns has created an entire DC Universe to play in that's his alone. Nothing he writes in this comic book has anything to do with any of the other comic books in the DC You. Damn it must feel good to be Chief Creative Officer!

Previously, the entire Justice League became gods. I mean, if you think of the entirety of the Justice League as the white males because certainly Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Power Ring didn't become gods. I think Hal Jordan didn't become a god either because he refused Mother Box's seductive offer. He was all, "Mother Box? Are you trying to seduce me?" And Mother Box was all, "BOOOM!"

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he's headed to Gotham to tell Batman that he's going to develop clots in his legs if he doesn't get out of the Batchair occasionally and walk around. But Batman is suddenly obsessed with sitting. It's like his ass is tapped into the universal internet and he's going to use it for justice. Okay, maybe not for justice so much as for sating his own curiosity, which is totally close enough. If you're Batman.

Why don't you mind your own fucking Bat-business, Hal?

The Batchair lets Batman know that Superman is being a huge dick and Batman doesn't respond with "I could have told you that, you stupid know-it-all chair!" Because Batman is currently trying to slap Wonder Woman around because she said she doesn't love him and also he noticed with his supervision that she was sexually aroused by Steve Trevor.

I know it's funny to laugh at Superman because he's often a dickhole but usually he's a well-meaning dickhole and most of his dickholery is due to being a somewhat naive farmboy. But lately he's been a different kind of dickhole. Lately he's been Earth's biggest enemy because he's constantly being mind-controlled or possessed by magic or infected with Doomsday Spores or getting his power stolen by bad guys to use against a xenophobic and mostly racist populace. Now he's been fundamentally changed by absorbing the power of Apokolips so that he's not even a pale shadow of his former self. Now he's just the villain that everybody on Earth-You already believes he is. Good job, Superman! I hate saying it but Batman was fucking right. The world is better off without you. I hope Ben Affleck kicks your ass in the upcoming movie.

While Diana tries to calm down her soon to be ex-boyfriend, Mister Miracle's Mini-Justice League are infiltrating Belle Reve so they can interview Ultraman and Superwoman. But their plan is going tits up because Jessica can't control Volthoom, her power ring. And Owlman is probably right around the corner biding his time! And Ultraman may have a small rock of Kryptonite ready to grind up and snort for one last burst of power. Since this comic book is akin to a blockbuster movie, a whole shitload more things need to go wrong before the good guys can win through. I hope somebody gets space madness next issue.

Wonder Woman is able to pacify Superman with her lasso before Green Lantern and Batman arrive.

Batman annoyingly finishes his thought on the next page which is "You're dying."

Who cares? Superman doesn't have to worry about dying because The Flash is now death! And why would The Flash kill his buddy Superman?!

The next shit to be dumped unceremoniously on the fan is the Anti-Monitor finally getting his act together. He was out of it for a little bit so that the Justice League members could tell their godlike new origin stories. But now the Anti-Monitor has returned and he's dying to sit in the Batchair. Also Cyborg is possessed by Grid just like Jessica was possessed by Volthoom. Superwoman blasts Mister Miracle and Big Barda with her Death to New Gods Vision while Ultraman's crying ass limps over to Superwoman's cell. That means only the one other living member of the Crime Syndicate is missing!

I knew he was fucking lurking around a corner. Creepy motherfucker.

Justice League #47 Rating: No change. There's a lot of flash-bang bedazzle going on in this comic book but The Darkseid War plot is just barely crawling along. Except technically that plot ended almost immediately because Darkseid died issues ago! Since then, it's all been set-up to get the Justice League ready to battle their--apparently--greatest foe ever: The Anti-Monitor! The League needed some power upgrades and some allies who were defeated by the Anti-Monitor once already. Johns was smart to bring in the Crime Syndicate because now the Anti-Monitor will be battling some people he can kill. My guess is Ultraman, Grid, and Volthoom will die in the coming battle. That way Jessica can stop having to fight her ring (although a piece of him will come out at a later date when more drama is needed!). And nobody cares if Grid never returns. Ultraman is the wild card because it's always nice to have an evil Superman that snorts Kryptonite hanging about in the DC Youniverse. But he's really not needed since Superwoman's baby's father is Owlman. I'm guessing this story arc ends in Issue #50? Will there be another company-wide reboot at that time?

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