Monday, December 28, 2015

Prez #6

I'm all for Corndog Girl on the twenty dollar bill.

Some people have been wondering why I put my reviews behind a pay wall so I thought I'd answer them now. Because they're worth it. Oh, and actually they're not--and never have been--real reviews. I'm not concerned with pointing out how the letterer perfectly captured the feeling of a vampire growling out sex commands. Or how the colorist created a cheerful and bright tone which contrasted poignantly with the sorrow and despair of the characters in the book. Occasionally I'll point out how David Finch somehow fucked up so badly that he put six fingers on Wonder Woman (not hyperbole!) or I'll defend Rob Liefeld's ability to draw feet by pointing out they're just as good as everything else he draws. I definitely do concern myself with the writing though. But is that really much of a review when I'm discussing a comic book? That's probably not even 50% of the final product! So, no, I am not writing reviews. I'm writing spontaneous essays based on whatever the fuck digressions the comic book's plot points send me spiraling into. If you're into reading fucked up ephemeral tidbits loosely based around DC Comic books, you might actually be interested in getting your ass behind the paywall. If you're not, well fuck it, right? You've got an infinite amount of free internet to peruse at your leisure. Hell, even most of the porn is free!

But if you're interested in discovering just how big my crush on Corndog Girl is, you might want to keep reading!

It's pretty fucking big, I tell you what.

Corndog Girl thought the biggest crisis of her presidency was apologizing for America's bullying, Imperialistic, self-righteous, know-it-all, narcissistic attitude! But she was totally and completely wrong if she thought that which she might not have actually thought because I may have just assumed it. The next big crisis on her plate is the Cat Flu! It's killing thousands of Americans a week because good for it! I'm pro anything that has cat in the name! Go cat flu! You're so fucking adorable! Although have you thought about maybe changing your name to Kitten Flu because, seriously, come on? How cute would that be?

These assholes are actually a bigger problem than the Cat Flu.

This paragraph is where I discuss why people who hate the government but are okay with big business doing whatever the fuck they want are complete and utter morons so if you're one of those morons, you might want to skip this paragraph and pretend I called you all geniuses instead. I feel living with lies is probably the most enjoyable way to get through life anyway. The basic premise of government is that it is of the people. People have the means to participate in government (no matter how shitty those means currently are because corporations have convinced the government to stop listening to people and, at the same time, have purchased dozens of talking heads to convince people that the government is evil and corporations are good) and to change it. No matter how crappy the system seems to work, it's at least possible to change the government. It's actually quite possible and reasonable to change local government which is how you begin to change state and national government as well. But people are allowed zero participation in corporations. No, I don't count owning a fucking stock as participating and you shouldn't either, you--what did I call you earlier? Oh yeah!--utter moron. The more you hate government and try to destroy it in favor of corporations and rich people doing whatever the fuck they want, the less ability you have to change anything. Don't trust the government? Try to change it. If the government changes in a way you don't like because other people have convinced it to change for the better, whine and pout. Oh, and try to change it, I guess. Whatever. I mean, does voting even work? Maybe the utter morons are right! In that case, I guess the best way to change the government is to start a small business, then grow that business into a bigger business, then keep growing that business into a major corporation, then avoid being bought out or subsumed into another business or destroyed by your investors, then become a nationally renowned corporation, then hire a lobbying firm, then donate millions upon millions of dollars to politicians who will reside in your pocket, then ask them to piggyback all the really shitty and selfish changes in laws to bills that the opposition party really needs to pass and voila! You've changed the system! Congratulations, you bastard.

Meanwhile Tina (formerly known as--and I only bring this up for clarification with my readers and not to try to pin her to her past--War Beast) is being harassed by the government because they want her back in their armory.

President Corndog Girl decides to seek help in finding a Cat Flu Vaccine from Fred Wayne.

The cat e-mail thing is a good gag but absolutely not the reason I scanned this page. My lust is squarely to blame.

Fred Wayne has a top secret project that he says can help save the world. He hasn't revealed it to anybody yet because Corndog Girl is the first politician who seriously wants to change the world for the better as opposed to changing the world for the richer (and by "richer," I obviously don't mean everyone! Don't make the tiny few who profit from most of the government's decisions laugh!).

President Corndog Girl's horrible congress override her veto and give Boss Smiley and his stupidly nicknamed cohorts everything they want. Once again, it's a win for nobody! I mean, it's technically a win for some people but that portion of the population for whom the win matters is so small that it's effectively zero. Therefore nobody wins. Nobody.

Well, maybe the cutest person in this futuristic version of America wins because she's as smart as she is fuckable. That was supposed to be a compliment!

This story makes me giddy and not just because all of my blood flow has been redirected to a certain area of the body due to fantasizing about my future life with President Corn Dog girl. I constantly wish logic were being used in courts and congressional hearings and house votes all across this nation. I'm tired of the answer to any ethical dilemma being determined by which side throws the most money at something. When Monsanto was suing small farmers for stealing their patents because some of Monsanto's patented soybeans were found on their farms due to natural pollen distribution, I couldn't understand how the small farmers didn't have a suit against Monsanto for contaminating their farms! I mean, logically I couldn't understand it! Monetarily, I knew exactly why the farms were getting screwed by Monsanto. I get that there are strict controls in place to keep judges from having too much power but I think we need some kind of common sense law where a judge can simply look at a suit and proclaim, "Fuck you!" Then he'd bang his gavel and the bringer of the offending lawsuit would have to pay a bajillion dollar fine.

Maybe the answer is to stop having judges who are voted into power or appointed and have a jury system for judges. But the judge jury pool would only be full of accredited scientists who are fucking smart enough to not listen to lawyers when they're entire case amounts to four truckloads of manure.

President Corndog Girl's maneuver works and congress repeals the law that gave Boss Smiley and his friends the rights to whatever DNA they could register. Her new plan to stop the spread of Cat Flu is to airlift all of the cats into New Mexico where they'd remain quarantined for a number of weeks. People are predictably angered at their cats getting a vacation while they continue to have to work fifty-two weeks per year.

Bad comic book! Bad! Pulling the putting a pet down scene is tantamount to terrorism!

Prez #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I fucking love this comic book! I hope DC Comics doesn't forget to publish Part Two sometime in the future! Although if they don't use the same creative team, I don't really care if they never publish it again. At that point, it'll be a crap shoot as to whether it's worth reading or not. I think Mark and Ben have created a really special six issue mini-series here with potential for more wild satire and cute Corndog Girl predicaments. Plus Boss Smiley is only getting started! He was practically just a bit player in this series. I'm sure he's going to be real trouble in the near future! I bet he and his cohorts do really wild and unbelievably greedy things like maybe Pharmaduke will raise the price of prescription pills by 7000%! Oh man, that would totally be hilariously unrealistic! I love you, Corndog Girl!

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