Sunday, June 30, 2013

Teen Titans #21

It seems Lobdell only knows how to write X-men stories.

I don't have time for your shit, Lobdell. Although I'm not sure I can completely blame Lobdell for this "Teen Titans seen as villains" crap. The Teen Titans have a fairly long history of not doing a lot of actual superhero team heroics. They just kind of hang out and get their asses kicked by a lot of people who hate them for some reason. Which means The Teen Titans were a perfect fit for Lobdell who wrote a bunch of X-men and X-men derivative titles back in his Marvel days. Those were the good old days! Because Scott Lobdell was at Marvel and I was reading DC!

Trigon's plan must have worked. He didn't want Raven to have friends so he invaded New York, manipulated Psimon into killing a bunch of National Guard, and somehow convinced everybody in New York that it was the Teen Titans fault that people died as opposed to the fault of the five hundred foot demons riding stallions of fire through the sky. Completely makes sense!

My theory is that only the Teen Titans could see Trigon and that's why they're going to be blamed. And even if that doesn't turn out to be the case, I suggest you believe it too so the story makes at least a little bit of sense.

Upon reading the first page, I'm reminded that Raven's brothers have now come to New York to fuck up some shit too. Because Trigon had to go home for some reason. I also notice that Tony Bedard is doing the Dialogue, so that's a plus, right? Although I'm not sure how much of a plus. I've been reading Sean Howe's Marvel Comics: The Untold Story and what I thought was just a quirk of Scott Lobdell's style of writing, I've learned is merely the "Marvel Style" of writing. Stan Lee would plot out a book and give it to Jack Kirby who would be responsible for the layouts and action. Kirby would basically be the director and turn the plot into a cohesive story. Afterward, Stan would go back and do the dialogue for the finished pages. That's how I read Lobdell does it and I thought, "That's not fucking writing!" I'm more sympathetic to Kirby's point of view that he should have been given a writer's credit in this kind of format. The artist is doing a shitload of the writer's job in this style. I can see the advantage it gave to Stan Lee in that it enabled him to find time to write all of the Marvel Titles. The whole "Marvel Style" just seems sloppy and haphazard to me. It's like a game of telephone between the writer and the artist. And I obviously don't like the style when it's being used by Scott Lobdell because the two comics he's currently writing, I have as the two worst comic books of The New 52.

But Tony Bedard doing dialogue! That's a step up, right?!

What good is Pattern Six supposed to be if everybody is going man to man anyway? Tim Drake sucks at coaching.

The Teen Titans just fought Trigon and won? lost? I don't remember exactly why the fight ended. I think Trigon just decided he needed a nap. So now he's sent his sons to kick some ass! Trigon's sons are getting an awful lot of pages in The New 52.

I should probably apologize to Tim Drake after reading the next page because "Pattern Six" apparently means "separate the enemies." It's code that I wasn't privy to! Which is the best kind of code, of course! The kind nobody understands.

Red Robin acts cocky because he's just a human against a bunch of demons which means love will win the day! Or something. That must be it or else he'd be worried that he has no defense against hellfire and magic. Beast Boy shields them from most of the demon assault by turning into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And every school kid knows they're nearly immune to hellfire. Now that they've proven they have their defense down, they need an offensive plan! And that plan is to cover Superboy in Raven's Soul-Flesh so that he can attack the demons indiscriminately!

"Here, let me cover you in burning hot coals to protect you from the fire!"

The plan is a success even if Superboy says "your" when he meant to say "you're" when he punches Belial in the face. Since he's speaking, nobody could tell the difference anyway. I hope I didn't make the same mistake in my commentary somewhere or some jerk is going to point out the hypocrisy! As if I pay people to edit the crap that spews directly from my head while my fingers try to keep up. Please. The edits come next month when I reread this!

I wonder if the Teen Titans are every going to be actually wanted by the end of this comic book? Last month's cover with Red Robin being reborn never led to Red Robin being reborn! So this cover might actually be a cover continuing to describe the story that would have happened had Red Robin been reborn! Or maybe Red Robin will be reborn this issue!

DC should really try getting its act together instead of just shrugging their fucking shoulders each month and going, "Meh. We tried."

Bunker and Wonder Girl take their demon to Central Park while Kid Flash and Solstice take their demon downtown. Bunker and Wonder Girl's battle turns into a fantasy epic while Kid Flash becomes possessed so that he can beat up on the woman he once made out with loves.

Meanwhile at a classified elsewhere location, Amanda Waller and her suits have some really stupid dialogue to beat the reader's brains into submission so that they'll eventually just accept that this kind of bullshit makes any sense at all.

Yeah! We wouldn't want the public to see how these kids tried to save New York from a bunch of rampaging demons! Stupid jerks should be arrested for not saving the lives of all of the people! They're a Goddamned menace! Homo-superiors are jerks! I mean, people with Meta-Genes are assholes!

The battle continues with Superboy's Raven-skin trick fading quickly. Sheesh, Raven. You could have mentioned that your stupid soul-self manifestation would only allow for Superboy to throw one punch. As it fades, Belial goes in for one last blast into Superboy's face when Red Robin cuts off Belial's hands with his Inertron Wings.

By the way, where did Red Robin get the Inertron? Wasn't that material developed much later in DC's history? Like Legion of Super-hero thousand years later? After Red Robin cuts off Belial's hand, he actually warns Superboy that this is a temporary fix. See, Raven? That's how a team works.

More like the Necronomicomicon, amirite?

You can't steal "Necronomicomicon" because it's actually an Ancient Artifact in Grunion Guy's Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators. Here's the Copyrighted and Patented and Trademarked description of the Necronomicomicon:

This comic book written in Ancient Times is filled with comic strips on how to summon ancient demons and devils. No person in Grunionia has ever been able to translate this comic book. It’s either because the language is unknown and demonic or else it’s just that the book has been lost for so long that nobody has been able to read it and laugh at the comic strips’ punch lines (or demon summoning spells. Nobody knows for sure.).

The book is thought to be evil and those that read a comic will be possessed by that comic. The possession will be according to whatever the comic was about. So maybe they’ll just be funny or go on nap attacks or pretend their stuffed tiger is real or something.

There should also be a Cat Version called The Necronomnomnomicon. It's probably a recipe book about how to cook devils and demons and make them into delicious cheese filled pastries.

Meanwhile Beast Boy begins falling in love with Raven by telling her to get off the fucking pot and stop these demon bastards already! Also that she isn't alone or some other touchy feely crap.

I just noticed there haven't been any Narration Boxes so far! While Tony Bedard's presence hasn't really helped the story any, I do like that he's decided to go Narration Boxless.

Meanwhile Bunker and not Wonder Girl takes out their demon proving that he's more than just a pretty face with telepathic Legos. He really needed to prove himself to me because he wasn't getting much action in this comic. Unless it was as Superboy's wingman. Or potential love interest.

Back in Downtown where Kid Flash has been possessed by his demons, Solstice manages to hit Kid Flash in the head with a teeny, tiny rock which, along with Kid Flash's ability to think fast, knocks the demon Suge loose from his head. And then things get confusing for Solstice! Because she wants to fuck Red Robin now!

Mmmm! It's like kissing a sulfur pit!

I'm pretty sure Kid Flash and Solstice have already kissed on the Mysterious Mystery Island of Mystery. But maybe he meant I should have kissed you a second time sooner. And he's right! He should have because while she was waiting to see what was going on between them, Raven-Possessed Red Robin made a move on her. She may or may not have fucked Red Robin. Hell, she may or may not have fucked Kid Flash but how would anybody but Kid Flash and Solstice's suddenly burning thighs know?

Raven pulls out Belial's heart and all the demon brothers are now subdued. But then Trigon comes back for some reason! Where'd he go? Did he need a cigarette break during his Seventh Realm Invasion? But now that he's back, he suddenly has possession of Bunker, Superboy, Kid Flash, and Wonder Girl. Oh no!

Teen Titans #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. It gets a fucking +1 Ranking just because I'm encouraging the lack of Narration Boxes! But there is still too much stupid nonsense going on in this thing. And what happened to Psimon? Did he just slink off after Superboy dropped him? And what about how weird Red Robin was acting for a few issues? Was that due to Raven's influence? Or Trigon's? Or something else that will never be touched on again? And why does Amanda Waller not want any media outlets showing what's happening in New York? Doesn't she want Cyborg to notice so he can alert the Justice League? I guess she doesn't want her competition saving the day and looking like heroes. And she's not calling in Justice League of America because she doesn't want half of them dying. Although she really should have called in the Suicide Squad by now. It's always fun to send them into life threatening situations! And, once again, what the fuck is up with the cover?!

All in all, a bad comic that wasn't quite as bad as it usually is. Which really isn't saying much. It's like stepping halfway into dogshit instead of completely stepping into dogshit.

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