The Fury of Firestorm #8

I kept reading this cover as "The Menage of Firehawk & Hurricane."

Jason was particularly upset last issue but swallowed his ethics and his dignity and the truth and bravery and kept working with Zither Tech. His day might get a little better when he sees the chemical burns and the missing hand of Ronnie Raymond and can tell that arrogant bastard, "I told you so!" But before that happens, it looks like more Firestorms are going to be introduced.

I think this Firestorm world should be a completely different Earth than the other comic books take place on. This many Firestorms in conflict should just tear the world apart in a matter of months. Especially with all of the counterfeit Firestorm Protocols being activated on any fanatic willing to blow his shit up. Maybe I'm finding this comic book boring because there is so much power all over the place and nobody really cares much. Except that one female reporter reporting live from the demolished stadium. I bet she really, really cares to find the truth. She also really, really cares about the new baby elephant just born at the zoo. And she really, really, really cares about the opinion of random idiots on the street too stupid to avoid answering loaded questions asked just the right way to get the answer the news reporter wants.

What the fuck was I talking about? Am I reading another issue of this boring comic? What happened to it being fun? It was fun at the beginning, right? Am I just being bitter and grumpy? Probably. I can't wait to make fun of Aquaman too!

See? Look at all the bad Firestorms!

Pozhar hasn't actually left Ronnie Raymond alone. He apparently wants Ronnie's help to defeat all of the rogue Firestorms just now attacking him. Hopefully Ronnie can finally figure out how to do the transmutation trick so he can give himself a new hand. Does it work that way? I remember the cartoon Firestorm couldn't affect organic material. Is that still a thing? Pozhar keeps melting people's faces. But that might just be a really, really, really hot flame power.

While Ronnie tries to cope with his injuries with Pozhar yelling at him, Jasonstorm is off in Paris trying to stop another Terrorist Firestorm attack. And he's Narration Boxing ridiculous stereotyped metaphors. Maybe Gail Simone wasn't so bad after all.

Hey everyone! Let's play Guess the Next Comic Book Cliche Plot Point! Will Jasonstorm:

A: Stop the Rogue Firestorm easily.
B: Be attacked by the French Firestorm's who mistake him for the Rogue Firestorm.
C: Attack the French Firestorm's thinking they're the Rogue Firestorm.
D: Fight with the French Firestorms for a few pages before saying, "I don't want to fight you!"
E: Get punched by Supergirl.

The answer is: Who the fuck knows?! She keeps speaking a soon to be dead language!

Her name is Firehawk and the British chap is Hurricane. Hurricane tells Jasonstorm to sit this one out. He'll take care of the Rogue and Firehawk will lead the bystanders to safety.

What a fucking bitch! She speaks French to the American and now she's speaking English to the French!

During this battle, Ronnie is still out of it in Terroristvania while Pozhar kills everything around him with quotes about a God he doesn't believe in. Um, I'm assuming. Again. While Ronnie is unconscious, Martin Stein is trying to communicate with him! Cartoon Firestorm is about to be reborn! Long time fans rejoice! That isn't me, by the way, although I did like the cartoon version. I never followed any of his comic books. And I have the action figure!

Back in France, Firehawk creates a horse out of her Radioactive Fire to lead all of the innocent people to safety and cancer treatment centers. Hurricane believes he's saved the day.

He said it! I didn't! I didn't call nobody no Frog!

But the man Hurricane stops isn't the only Rogue Firestorm in the area. An old lady that Jasonstorm stopped earlier turns out to be one as well and she's headed for the Eiffel Tower. Of course. How come everything that ever happens in Paris happens at the Eiffel Tower? Is Grifter currently fighting here as well? Wasn't he fighting here during his issue eight too? What chaos!

One other weird thing before the Eiffel Tower disappears in a nuclear mushroom cloud: Jasonstorm is Narration Boxing this entire time. But he's directing all of his comments at Ronnie. It's really annoying. Ronnie isn't here, Jason! And you hate him anyway! Why are you so concerned with what Ronnie might think about what you think about? Just stop it. You've got your codependent hat on.

Okay, back to the action.

Oh look! It really does get destroyed. I was just guessing that Jasonstorm would fail.

Back visiting with Pozhar and Ronnie, Ronnie finally wakes the fuck up and melts the face of a terrorist himself. Pozhar respects Ronnie's new willingness to let his power go and offers to train Ronnie. The two of them walk off to become the Rogue Firestorm killing branch of the Firestorm Protocols. And back in Paris, Jasonstrom transforms the falling debris of the Eiffel tower into rose petals. I would have turned it into sour candy but we can't all be awesome.

The new writer, Joe Harris, decides since he's already called the French "Frogs" and he's already made an Indian/scalping reference, he might as well go whole hog and throw out one more stereotype.

Oh, of course the black Firestorm can't swim. And he's still Narration Boxing to Ronnie! What is this guy's obsession with that jock?

The Fury of Firestorm the Nuclear Men #8 Rating: No change with a slight better than the last two issues at least.