Justice League Europe #19 (October 1990)

Some people on the Internet might ask, "Why would you want to read a comic book written by a man who was convicted of possessing photographs of child sexual abuse?" And some people who might just actually be me might respond, "Because I'm entertained by reading the comic book through that lens. Knowing the writer was into child pornography often makes specific moments in the comic book mean something I never would have thought they meant when I initially read the comic book over thirty years ago. It's fucking hilarious!" That might lead the Internet people to say something like, "You're gross!" I probably wouldn't respond to that because, I mean, yeah, I am!

I should clarify, for those who don't know, that Gerard Jones was the one convicted and not Keith Giffen! Keith Giffen almost certainly didn't know that Jones was a collector of disgusting photos. But I'm willing to believe that when Giffen's coworker stuck his head in Giffen's office and said, "Did you hear?! Gerard Jones was arrested for possessing images of child sexual abuse!", Giffen probably tilted his head to one side, thought about his time working with Jones, and said, "That checks out."

The colorist nails Power Girl's costume.

Based on Power Girl's history of a costume that shows off as much of her body as possible, I feel like the white sections were originally meant to be just more of her flesh. Especially with that zipper pull hanging just above her pubis as if her costume is unzipped most of the way. But somebody at DC had one single moment of clarity while looking at the new design and sent out a memo to the artists, "I think we went too far. Add some white so it looks like a second layer!"

The issue begins with Uncle Mitch Wacky emerging from his cryo-chamber because he was smart enough to freeze more than just his head unlike our dumb version of Uncle Mitch. Silver Sorceress recognizes him which is when Metamorpho is all, "Oh shit! Um, I totally and accidentally forgot to save you from the blast also I probably knew you'd survive!" Uncle Mitch learns that everybody on Angor is dead and his theme park has been destroyed so he goes running out of the room yelling, "What's gone wrong?" He's probably still confused from being in stasis for so long because didn't he just hear how everybody was dead? The only people going to answer his question are in the room he just ran out of!

Uncle Mitch races to his secret amusement park headquarters (like the one that exists under the Matterhorn in Disneyland. Unless it's under Space Mountain. It's certainly not under Sleeping Beauty's castle because that's where the cryogenic lab is) to access his computer which was programmed to download all the current events of the world from the time he went into stasis to the time he woke up so he wouldn't be like the Revivals in Transmetropolitan (Oh man. I need to read that series next!). His computer informs him that Silver Sorceress was correct: everybody has been killed! Nobody will ever again visit Wackyland! Uncle Mitch is ruined!

I'm assuming the worst part about the end of the world, for a businessman, is that there's nobody left to pay for your product.

Back on Earth, the world leaders have decided to surrender in the hopes The Extremists will remove the nuclear weapons from orbit and not start murdering whomever they want and to not start looting everything and to not do anything horrible ever again and the world will just go back to normal because The Extremists will just suddenly be nice guys.

Fucking hell, J'onn! Read the room! Put your holier-than-thou Martian dick back in your booty shorts!

Flash recovers Carny's head so that Uncle Mitch can hook it up to the computer and discover what the crazy asshole has been up to since the end of the world. He also reveals that he put himself in stasis because he had the flu. I'm assuming the flu is deadly on Angor and he wasn't simply exhausted from shitting and vomiting for hours. At the same time. I haven't had the real flu since I was in my late twenties (so two decades ago?) and even that may have been a serious tooth infection that nearly killed me. It's hard to say which it was because, as an American, why would I choose to go into debt finding out for sure what had me at death's door?! I survived and I kept all of my money! Yay me for rolling the dice and not dying!

I bet on Angor, the flu is deadly but they have a cure for it which the government gives out to anybody who needs it. But that cure got politicized and Uncle Mitch was all, "No way I'm taking that Satanic liberal Communist and/or Socialist anti-freedom malarkey! I'd rather spend all of my money to build a cryogenic chamber, allowing me to head into the far-flung future where a nice, expensive, privatized, for-profit cure has been created for real patriots like me!"

Shut your hole, Crimson Fox! Uncle Mitch doesn't want to listen to your liberal propaganda!

Uncle Mitch re-activates Carny's brain and the first words out of his mouth are creepy because of that thing I mentioned right at the beginning of this "review" where the words ring differently because of the personal tendencies we now know about the writer.

Unless you're in a seriously terrible situation, you would never use the words "I'm coming" and "Uncle" in the same sentence.

Carny explains to Uncle Mitch and the Justice League that The Extremists who are now taking over Earth are just robots made by Uncle Mitch's robot factory. They were made to resemble the villains so well that they took over Wacky World, killed all the robotic "heroes", and then headed to Earth to kill more people. The Flash discovers a pit where all the destroyed robots were tossed and, although he and the rest don't notice it, one of the bodies looks like Dreamslayer! Which means Dreamslayer must have survived! What a twist!

Captain Atom formulates a plan to bring Uncle Mitch back to Earth so he can chastise his robots and shut them down with his emergency shut-down button he invented in case a robot ever got too handsy with an unwilling park visitor (I added unwilling because my immediate thought was, "I wish Alice would put her hands on me!" Although adding "unwillingly" doesn't change that because I'd like that too. Maybe even more so!). That will probably work except in the case of Dreamslayer who will get away via interdimensional travel so that I can continue to read Justice League Europe thinking, "I wonder when Dreamslayer will be back?"

Alice is always played by a woman at Disneyland, you stupid perverts! Don't go twisting my words with whatever the fuck you want to believe simply because you think you're so smart! It's like how I don't want Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz books to ravage me! But I absolutely want Dorothy from the Blues Traveler "Runaround" video to ravage me! See the difference?!

At the risk of destroying the entire world, the Justice League attack The Extremists so that Uncle Mitch can dramatically take his time waiting to be seen at the top of a sand dune with the sun behind him. Luckily Doctor Diehard doesn't detonate the nukes before they notice him. Extra lucky, Doctor Diehard doesn't detonate the nukes after Uncle Mitch makes his appearance. Super extra luckily, Doctor Diehard doesn't detonate the nukes before Uncle Mitch shuts them down with his super secret special button.

Is it just me? Wouldn't anybody rather be a donkey than dead? How are they lucky?!

Uncle Mitch is blown to bits by Dreamslayer who, as we saw earlier, was the only real donkey of the group. But the Silver Sorceress kills him. It's that easy but only because she was disguised as Crimson Fox, I think. If she hadn't been disguised, there would be no reason to explain how she finally beat him in a fight when she couldn't ever do it before. And I guess Uncle Mitch survives so he can make more Extremists later.

Justice League Europe #19 Rating: A. This was a fine ending to the story even if you have to believe that theme park automatons are the worst threat the Justice League has faced in a long time. Imagine if the story was flipped and Earth was destroyed. The only survivors would be from Disneyland's Hall of Presidents! Angor would be invaded by Abe Lincoln and George Washington and an automaton of Donald Trump that looks suspiciously like a re-worked Hillary Clinton. Or maybe Trump would be the only real person and he'd be all, "We're all so real. Nobody has ever seen more realer people than these presidents! We've got this one with the beard, Avril. And this one with the white wig, good old Chuck Washington. Greatest president which is why he was the first one. And of course your favorite and most real president! You know which one that is!" And then somebody would blow his head off and everybody would cheer! "Angor is saved!" they would yell as they danced around his bloated corpse, combover blowing in the winds of his defeat. What a beautiful dream!

Justice League America #43 (October 1990)

Why is the cyborg agent from Appleseed in the background?

I would not sit down to play poker at a table with a guy wearing that headgear. He's obviously reading minds. Unless it's a bluff and he's trying to throw me off my game by not thinking about the cards in my hand! Or he is reading minds, knows that I'll try to not think about my cards by thinking sexy thoughts, and he's only here to jerk off to my sexy thoughts! Whatever the case, I'd never play poker against that pervert.

This issue begins with Sonar robbing a bank instead of trying to take over the world or get revenge against Green Lantern. Those are the thoughts he's having because he gets it! Why would a super-villain invite trouble by actively attacking super heroes? Why would a super-villain commit war crimes trying to gain power when they live in the same world as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aqua...no, no. I named all the powerful heroes already. This must be the comic book all those Comics-Gaters keep talking about when they talk about how comic books used to not be woke. This one, single comic book. See? The villain is robbing banks and that's something no Comics-Gater would ever do so it doesn't make it seem like the Comics-Gaters are the equivalent of bad guys! Not like that fucking Spotlight on Teen Titans: Starfire comic book that was all, "Apartheid is bad! Look at how mean the white colonialists are being to the native Africans!" And the would-be Comics-Gaters of the 80s who couldn't get on the Internet and instead had to write terrible letters exposing their true selves were all, "How dare you politically correct comics creators judge people by the color of their white skin and also by their racism?! That person could be me and I'm not a bad guy!" Of course, modern complaints that comic books are now woke when comic books have always been about social justice simply exposes what they really mean: "There are too many POC and women heroes these days!" Obviously they wouldn't say "POC" and they'd say "female heroes" instead of "women heroes." But you understand what I'm saying!

Okay, now that all the Comics-Gaters have left the chat, I can stop being serious and start telling some really hilarious dick jokes! You have to clear the room of the cockroaches before you can enjoy yourself because who wants a cockroach hearing one of your great dick jokes?! I hate when I accidentally entertain a conservative or a bigot (I know, I know. I'm repeating myself. I already said, "Cockroach.").

Good thing I noticed that his gun was a tuning fork before I wrote an angry three-page essay asking why Sonar uses a magnet as a gun.

I've been really, really, really, really, really slowly reading Pynchon's Against the Day and learning all sorts of things about waves although, being stupid, I don't understand most of it. But I think a magnet and a tuning fork essentially do the same thing but different somehow. Just like light and electricity! It's all waves, baby!

Sonar, being a terrible C-list villain because Geoff Johns hasn't thought of a creative way to make him the most powerful villain ever yet (at least, I don't think he has?), walks out of the bank directly into Orion because there was a silent alarm. That's pretty funny, right? Sonar is the master of sound and so he's caught by something that can't be heard! That should have been one of the lines in Alanis's song.

Sonar does manage to drop Orion, Lightray, and Martian Manhunter with his sonic gun because have you ever had vertigo? I haven't but I have been drunk so that's probably the same thing and, let me tell you, I certainly couldn't punch a guy in the face while suffering from the spins. I'm not sure why Martian Manhunter, upon seeing Sonar was the villain, didn't change the shape of his inner ear immediately but I guess that's why nobody ever says, "Martian Manhunter is my favorite hero!" Unless you're one of those ultra-nerds who claims Wedge Antilles is your favorite Star Wars character. I'd like to say that I'm smarter than Martian Manhunter because I thought up the "change the shape of the inner ear" trick but actually I'm just smarter than Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. And that's nothing to brag about! Unless it is? Those guys are probably pretty smart. They probably realized Martian Manhunter could do that as well but were all, "That wouldn't work for the story we're telling! But we're writing to comic book fans so they won't even realize J'onn made a tactical blunder here!"

Anyway, Sonar manages to evade being instantly captured thanks to his Sonic Wave Gun disabling two New Gods and one of the most powerful characters in the DC Universe. Did Geoff Johns write this?

Now I just feel sorry for Sonar, the little band-uniform wearing nerd.

Imagine your self-confidence being this non-existent and yet still being able to leave your house to rob a bank. If only Sonar could see himself through my eyes! He's to be admired! He just wants to do an honest day's work robbing one single bank so that he can retire and not cause anybody any more anguish. He didn't even harm anybody at the bank (unless he made them all deaf. I don't know exactly how his magnet gun works).

The Justice League chase Sonar past Wally Tortolini, the man who wrote the article revealing all of their secret identities that no magazine would print because Crimson Fox (being a major publisher in her secret identity) blackballed him. Hoping that a different story about the Justice League (like maybe one where he witnesses them beat the shit out of some poor C-list villain) might turn his career around (and blaming the Justice League for his current woes), he chases after the chase to get the scoop.

Martian Manhunter bringing the Don Draper energy.

Was J'onn J'onzz a big shot advertising agent on Mars? "It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Oreos."

Martian Manhunter gets stunned by Sonar's sonic gun again! Again, J'onn?! How the fuck did you not change the shape of your inner ear after the first time?! You're putting citizens at risk being this terrible at fighting villains! And because Martian Manhunter fucks up, Sonar gets a chance to fire his gun at full power, shattering all the windows along the block and sending down a deadly rain of razor sharp glass! Everybody is sure to die now unless Giffen and DeMatteis know what the fuck Lightray's powers are.

That's it? Fucking useless.

Fire mostly saves the day with an assist from Orion. Martian Manhunter does fuck all. Possibly because he finally did that inner ear thing and couldn't hear the shattering glass or the warnings about the deadly shrapnel. Or he just doesn't give a fuck if two dozen humans die, the giant green prick.

Sonar's rain of glass distraction enables him to get away with the help of Wally Tortolini. That Tortolini guy really has it in for the Justice League for some reason. He should be angry at the magazines who won't publish his article, not angry at the subject of that article. The guy is dumb enough to become a C-list super villain. Hint, hint!

Back at the Justice League Embassy, Blue Beetle laughs in Martian Manhunter, Orion, and Lightray's faces. That's because he's not yet familiar with Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation.

See?! See?! Change the fucking shape of it, you shapeshifter you!

Blue Beetle quickly regrets his mocking laughter when he learns about Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation. Except this time, Orion decides to choke the shit out of the provocateur. Nobody moves in to stop him, probably because Blue Beetle deserved it a little bit. But not only does nobody point out that maybe the new member of the League shouldn't be committing attempted murder against an old member of the League, Guy Gardner applauds Orion's efforts. For some reason, even that pisses off Orion but at least it stops him from killing Beetle. Hopefully Beetle remembers that Guy just saved his life.

Sonar takes Wally to a place called The Dark Side. It's like a Hooters for super-villains. Wally suggests writing an article from the super-villains' point of view but I suspect Sonar just wants to use him for his notebook full of the secret identities of the Justice League. Not that it would be any more difficult to kill Ted Kord as Blue Beetle! But I suppose the notepad with all the secret knowledge has its uses. Like matching the bets of all the super-villains when they throw in the items that give them their super powers during a game of poker! Which Wally wins, allowing him to walk away with The Cavalier's sword, Crowbar's crowbar, Blackrock's power stone, Black Mass's wristbands, Sonar's tuning-fork gun, and Brainstorm's helmet. C-list super-villains are idiots! They all just lost their livelihoods!

Wally takes his haul and goes off to figure out what to call himself when he uses his winnings to become another C-list super-villain. He's followed out of The Dark Side by a mysterious figure who wants to get their hands on the secrets of the Justice League. Which means Wally should wind up dead in an alley at the start of next issue but that's obviously not going to happen. We need a ridiculous story where this guy nearly defeats the Justice League with his new toys first!

Justice League America #43 Rating: A-. The story was average as far as superhero stories go but it was fun and entertaining as far as Laurel and Hardy movies go. Plus Adam Hughes' art raises the overall grade by at least one letter grade, if not two. I might have to read the issue again just to immunize myself against looking at Bart Sears' art in the next Justice League Europe comic book.

Justice League Europe #18 (September 1990)

Why is Elongated Man fucking Rocket Red in the ass in the tiny picture in the issue number box?

I don't know what I find most disgusting on this cover. Is it Ralph's twitchy nose in the tiny anal sex picture? Is it Ralph's elongated neck in both pictures? Is it Metamorpho's about-to-explode left leg? Is it the length of Captain Atom's leg, assuming that's his foot by Metamorpho's right arm (which it is so I probably used the word "assuming" incorrectly)? Hmm, what could it be? Oh, I know!

Of course her tits are great but what is happening to her stomach?!

I'm a victim of the puritanical American educational system (which is often thought of as lousy mainly because Republicans keep trying to make it as shit as possible in the effort to prove that it is shit so that they can trash the entire thing and turn education over to their for-profit buddies which will obviously just make it even worse because the only text book at that point will be a version of The Bible that they've edited the shit out of, probably by adding loads of Ronald Reagan quotes) so forgive me if my anatomical questions sound stupid here but is that Power Girl's clitoris? Ha ha! I'm just joking, of course! I may not know where or what the clitoris actually is but I do know what an outie belly button looks like (Do those even exist anymore? I don't think I've seen one since the 70s? Maybe that's just because kids loved comparing belly buttons on school playgrounds and sort of stopped doing that past elementary school)! My problem is that we've never seen Power Girl's belly button through her skin tight outfit before. So that makes me think she just herniated and blew out her belly button from the strain of this battle! I hope her uterus didn't also drop out of her vagina (Is that a thing that can happen from too much strain? See the note about my education and also I'm an American male so I know practically nothing about women's bodies. Although I am a long-time Dungeons and Dragons player so if you make a map to the clitoris, I'll find it easy! Please send me your photorealistic maps, preferably of you from the back while bending forward slightly!).

This issue is called "The Happy Place" which makes me nervous because it was written by well-known pedophile art lover Gerard Jones. I know I keep going on and on about Gerard Jones having been convicted of owning and distributing images of child sexual abuse but that's kind of a memorable thing about him, right? If somebody were to ask me, "Why do you keep defining Gerard Jones by the worst thing he's ever done?", I would say to them, "What the fuck did you do that you're so worried about somebody being defined by the worst thing they ever did, hmm?" One notable thing about me is that I'm terrible at conversation unless you enjoy a constant barrage of brusque and insulting rejoinders. Although wouldn't you all want to respond that way? We know the main reason conservatives have such a problem with so-called "Cancel Culture" is that they're can't stop thinking about how their life is going to blow apart when their disgusting secret comes out!

As a hypothetical aside, just how "career ending" would jerking off the side of a skyscraper be?

According to the title "The Happy Place," my guess is they're in Reno, Nevada.

Before The Simpsons did the "Happiest Place on Earth" being Tijuana joke, my cousins and I used to call Reno the happiest place on Earth. That's because our family vacations were more often to Reno than to Disneyland. I figure at least half of my childhood vacation stories revolve around being in Reno. One of my favorites was when my Grandfather came wandering back to the Keno sitting area from the casino floor with a huge grin on his face because he'd found a $1 chip lying on the ground. He was so ecstatic! Later, he wandered off again only to return downtrodden and sad because he'd be this $1 chip at the Craps table and lost it. "I should have quit while I was ahead," he lamented. On a side note, I learned everything about managing money from that man!

Like our Earth, the first thing the reluctant interdimensional travelers are met with on their road trip is advertising. A missile explodes over their head advertising a place called Wacky World with big bright arrows lighting up and leading them to it. I've gone cross country in a Volkswagen bus and the exploding missile advertisement seems slightly more subtle than Wall Drug's advertising campaign. But it's just as effective because like my inability to resist Wall Drug, the Leaguers wind up in Wacky World.

I suppose to Gerard Jones, a theme park is the playboy mansion.

Do you think Gerard Jones was trying to signal help here for his sick (his very sick!) mind? It's got to be weird going through your adult life with these thoughts and compulsions that you probably feel are natural but you know society will absolutely crucify you for having. I imagine that's why so many people who accuse so many other people of pedophilia wind up being pedophiles themselves. They probably think the compulsion, since they feel it, is probably natural and everybody else feels it too. They probably think everybody is in a constant battle against breaching social norms and, since they've fallen to temptation, it stands to reason that somebody they blame has also fallen to the temptation and their accusation will be proven true while distracting people from their crime. I used to think the poetic use of a dramatic monologue where the speaker exposes some hidden secret through their too casual speech was rare and often hard to ferret out. But I live in a time where every accusation is a confession, so now if I were introduced to "My Last Duchess," I'd probably be bored by it.

Before the League can investigate, a parade comes strolling past them, full of, apparently, living people. Which is weird because they were told the only people left alive on this planet were The Extremists! (Although not that weird once you realize The Extremists are just as "organic" ("organic" is a word here that means "living") as these theme park employees.)

Oh Gerard! "Every line of Flash dialogue, a confession."

The Silver Sorceress lies beaten on the front of one of the parade floats driven by a fat man with suspenders in a crown and calling himself Carny. He may be the only person other than Dreamslayer who survived but he might also be an automaton himself. I can't remember that much detail! What this reminds me of is Fables where The Adversary (don't read the rest of this sentence if you don't want the first major story arc of Fables spoiled!) winds up being Gepetto and he's built all of the armies that took over the world. Now I want to re-read Fables! Eventually, I guess, if I live that long.

I don't mean to imply that I'm currently living with an expiration date (other than the normal, unknown one called "mortality" ("mortality" is a word here that means "fucking bullshit, man"))! What I was implying is that I'm doing these comic book re-read reviews so slowly that I'll never get through them all. If only I'd purchased fewer comic books when I was younger!

Carny's float releases a gas that knocks out the entire Justice League Europe, even Rocket Red who I assumed was in some kind of hermetically sealed space suit and Metamorpho who I assumed didn't actually need to breathe anymore. You can't tell me he has working organs inside that fucked up body!

The team wakes up strapped into a roller coaster being managed by beautiful women with no noses. I don't think the lack of a nose bit is part of the plot. I just think Bart drew them with anime noses. You know, all nostril, no bridge. Captain Atom orders everybody to remain calm in their roller coaster seats which is a good thing because I was going to start complaining about how Metamorpho and the Elongated Man could easily slip free. But now Ralph's been ordered to keep his neck within the car and Metamorpho turning into a gas cloud has been shut down by Captain's orders. Whew! I love when I don't have to make up reasons to close plot holes because the comic book is shoddily written!

Ralph! I'm certain at least one of the casualties of Disneyland's Matterhorn ride was due to this behavior!

The roller coaster attraction teaches the parkgoers the history of Angor. Or at least the last few weeks of Angor's history where The Extremists steal all of the nukes, the world leaders cry, and then the world is blown to bits. Even though that final "Goooooood bye!" feels like it means to plunge the coaster into a flaming abyss, it's simply the ride coming to an end where everybody calmly exits the coaster to head for the nearby exits. Except for Metamorpho who tears the head off of a custodian for some reason.

Somebody has passionate thoughts against picking up litter!

By my calculations, Rex meant to murder that custodian because it would take less force to tear off a human head than to tear off a robot head. Rex has Angor Management Issues! Ha ha ha!

Oh, I guess that thing on Power Girl's stomach is a zipper pull? And her outfit is always just zipped down 95% of the way?

Captain Atom realizes that every robot in the place just wants to make their stay enjoyable so he asks them politely to take the League to their leader. They send them off to one of those boring rides that's really just a movie where they strap you into your seat for safety reasons. It's called "The Great Visionary" and it's entirely empty. If the locals don't choose to go on this ride, it must be fucking shit.

Mr. Patience?! He just ripped the head off of a janitor for no reason!

I left that previous scan larger than I normally would because it looked really nice at that size for whatever scientific reason I'm too dumb to understand. Pixel Color Distribution or Dot Matrix Density or something.

The ride teaches the Leaguers that Wacky World and its automatons were created by The Great Visionary, the Walt Disney/Geppetto of Angor. But all the people of the world died and so the automatons had nobody to make happy anymore. But now they have the Justice League to play with forever! Carny offers them free rides, free refreshments, and half-off t-shirts. Captain Atom hears the half-off t-shirts deal and goes ballistic, attempting to kill Carny. But Carny winds up being a holographic projection and Captain Atom is forced to be drawn terribly while kneeling on stage in humiliation.

This was a really tiny picture of Captain Atom but that didn't stop me from wanting to complain about the size of that leg!

Silver Sorceress reaches out telepathically to Wally to lead Justice League Europe to Carny's headquarters. He realizes they're on his way and freaks out, hitting the self-destruct button. This blows up him, the automatons, and the entire park. It also releases The Great Visionary, Uncle Mitch, from his cryogenic chamber (at least that's my guess as to the person's identity). So Carny was also a robot. But whoever was released must be the last living person on Angor. The Justice League survive the explosion because Metamorpho covers them with his body. Silver Sorceress doesn't get invited to the Metamorpho Safety Dome so she probably dies. Except she can't die because they need her magic to return them to Earth. So let me revise my assumption: she survives somehow. Magic, probably!

Justice League Europe #18 Rating: A+. This was a nice coherent little bit of the overall story. It didn't fully explain what's happening but it added some nice back story in a bit of an offshoot from the main plot where the League must battle their way back to the main plot while also saving the Silver Sorceress at the same time. I suppose it could also have been a boring issue for the types of people who don't want more story and character moments during the middle of a story that's supposed to be pitting The Extremists directly against the Justice League. But those are the kinds of people who actually hate stories so fuck them. They're the ones who probably couldn't stand Lost because every episode concentrated on somebody who wasn't actually battling the Smoke Monster for forty minutes. Carny sucked as an enemy but he fulfilled his role, I guess. Being a weird ass weirdo running a place called Wacky World and then throwing a tantrum when things didn't completely go his way. Also, and I know I didn't scan any panels with it, but Silver Sorceress's ass was just primo excellente. Five stars. Would stare at again.

I just realized that I might be a little bit troubled by Carny because I see so much of myself in him. He didn't really offer much to the story except trying to lighten the mood in a really shitty world. And then when nobody appreciated his jovial and whimsical attitude, he went and killed himself. I'm not saying I've reached the point of hitting the self-destruct button but I do get pretty moody at times with the lack of appreciation! So, yeah, I see myself in Carny: an idiot who thinks he's better at what he does than he is!

Justice League America #42 (September 1990)

Why is 80s High School Bully so angry about being invited to apply to the Justice League?

Don't think I didn't look at Dove's ass just because I didn't mention it in the caption! I think her costume might be tattooed on her body. I'm not sure I recognize the two heroes who aren't Hawk and Dove. If I had to guess, I'd say the masked guy is El Toro and the angry guy with no pupils is Maximum Carnage. Are those DC heroes?

Why are they all refusing to join? What did Max Lord say they must do to become a member?! I hope he gets fucking arrested for whatever it was. I'll be surprised if he doesn't get his ass beat asking Hawk, Toro, and Maximum Carnage to do whatever sexual act he just asked them to do. Dove is peaceful so obviously she wouldn't kick his ass. Unless kicking the ass of some perv is actually in line with order? Okay, you know what? She'll probably kick his ass too.

I wonder if Justice League America is going to have a recruitment issue every 15-20 issues? Can't they just do these things behind the scenes and spend two panels in the middle of an exciting story to have Max Lord introduce the new recruits? An awful lot of space is being taken up by these silly "the recruitment drive goes tits up" issues.

The issue begins with a lesser version of Gandalf explaining to Frodo why they have no right to kill Gollum philosophy.

Kilowog definitely drinks out of Despero's tank.

The first candidate who decides not to join is Gypsy. Not that she's a real candidate. J'onn just thinks she shouldn't be alone because her entire family and town was recently killed by Despero. That part is pretty painful but the part where it happened in the silliest and jokiest DC comic was the cherry on the pain scale. Plus now she can't go anywhere without somebody feeling the need to point out how insensitive her name is. She'll probably need to change it to Chameleon (which is a much better name anyhow!).

Blue Beetle and Fire are off in Beetle's flying Bug to recruit more people across the country. While flying there, Beetle discusses the possibility of a movie about him. Too bad he died and now the Blue Beetle movie is about Jaime Reyes instead. Obviously a Ted Kord Blue Beetle movie would have been a boring piece of shit about a rich white guy with no super powers who tells terrible jokes. Which is why one never happened! But Jaime Reyes as the Blue Beetle is super exciting because he's a young Latinx kid with an alien parasite that implants tons of advanced technology into his body! I hope there's a scene where Jaime is all, "What is this technology doing to my body now?!" And then Traci Thirteen will be all, "You're just getting a boner, estupido." And then they'll do it! And when Jaime cums, he'll shoot a rocket into Traci's face but she'll teleport away but he'll think he's killed her and then he'll drink poison and die after which she'll come back and see he's killed himself and then she'll stab herself to death.

I had to watch six different versions of Romeo and Juliet in 8th Grade English and I've yet to recover. Fuck you, Mr. Sousa!

Blue Beetle said "Cum"!

I've had some time to reflect on my attitude as I was typing the code for that last image and I'd like to apologize to Mr. Sousa. Obviously he was just excited to share something he found truly wondrous and beautiful in the world when he showed us the Romeo and Juliet ballet, so much so that he forgot he was showing it to a bunch of ill-cultured thirteen-year-olds who couldn't stop giggling at Juliet's nipples and Romeo's massive bulge.

Beetle and Fire attempt to recruit El Toro who is actually El Diablo. So you can see what my brain did there! It was close enough to correct for my tastes considering how terrible it is at actually remembering things. The only thing my brain is good at anymore is making me feel like nothing is worthwhile and life has nothing more for me.

Guy Gardner tries to recruit Maximum Carnage who is actually Starman and I have no idea what my brain was doing with that one. To be fair, even after the revelation, I don't fucking remember this version of Starman at all! Why did he choose an upside down star for his emblem and why didn't I read his comic book because he's obviously a Satanist? Guy Gardner, not understanding what "recruit" means, decides to capture Starman and try to force him to join the Justice League.

Bea knows Spanish?

Sometimes I think, "I know quite a bit of Spanish so I know Portuguese too!" And then I hear Portuguese and I think, "Hey! Portuguese and Spanish are like two different languages!" Although the simple fact that Bea is Brazilian, and not American, probably means she knows quite a few more languages than just one. It's weird how Americans think they're so fucking great and barely any of them can speak more than one language. If they can manage two, they're a fucking genius! I, myself, barely know English. Sometimes I'm surprised at how many books I've read over my lifetime and then I remember how many of them were Xanth books and Choose Your Own Adventure titles.

Ice and The Huntress extend the offer to join the JLA to Hawk and Dove which seems weird since The Huntress doesn't even really want to be a member. Surprisingly, her pitch is not, "You guys probably have no desire to join right now but if you'll just allow me to strand you on an ice floe with our boss, Maxwell Lord, I think you'll see things quite differently!" Also surprising, Hawk doesn't punch anybody in the face.

During the recruitment drive, Mister Miracle arrives to Earth orbit with Manga Khan and The Cluster.

Somebody forgot to color in the Earth.

Mister Miracle returns to find out he's dead and his wife is probably lying naked in the arms of Orion for consolation. So he should probably go get that sorted out in his own comic book. It's not like his return to the team was anything but a waste of pages spent on maintaining continuity with his self-titled comic. The readers knew he was alive the whole time and didn't need three pages of Manga Khan doing the same old joke where he talks to himself in a melodramatic fashion until L-Ron puts a stop to it.

Martian Manhunter tries to get Batman to come back full time and lead the team because he's tired of dealing with Blue Beetle and Booster Gold and Guy Gardner and G'nort and Max Lord. But Batman is all, "Stop being a whiny quitter!" and swings away on a Bat-rope.

Yeah, Ice! They're lovers! I wish I could I understand that!

The only problem with pretending to read the previous panel wrong is that I'm posting this on the Internet which means I have to also write this line where I point out that I was pretending to have read that line wrong so nobody corrects me in the comments.

Before leaving, Manga Khan trades L-Ron to Maxwell Lord in exchange for Fetal Despero. Now Manga Khan has to do all of his soliloquies in front of his new right-hand robot, K-Dik.

Mister Miracle might be back on Earth but he's decided to take a long vacation while the world thinks he's dead. And Martian Manhunter decides to go on a sabbatical as well. That leaves the Justice League with only one person who can kick any ass: Guy Gardner. The only problem is that Gardner kicks all of the wrong asses, all of the time. But do not despair, loyal reader! Because just as things look darker than they've ever looked (meaning a Justice League with worse power issues than that one with Vibe, Gypsy, and Aquaman in it), Orion and Lightray show up at the door begging to join! I give it four pages before Gardner and Orion are beating the stuffing out of each other.

Justice League America #42 Rating: D+. I have grown to fucking hate these recruitment issues and I blame DC's desperate need to constantly keep continuity straight. At this point, I'd rather just have editorial notes informing me that some member has left suddenly for reasons that can be understood if you pick up the particular issue of their own comic book where they find they can't continue on with the League. I suppose the entire purpose of this issue was to show readers that there were these other heroes named Starman, El Diablo, and Hawk and Dove who (probably?) have their own comic books currently. This issue was more of a bake sale than a Justice League America comic book. "Hey kids! Maybe try giving some of our other monthlies a go!" No thank you, DC! At least that's what I'm saying now. Yeesh, I sure hope I don't find any Starman, El Diablo, or Hawk and Dove comic books in my collection as I continue to re-read all of my old books!

Justice League Europe #17 (August 1990)

I hated Bart Sears' art as soon as I saw it because I knew he would eventually draw something this fucking terrible.

Some artists have a style I don't care for and other artists are just bad artists. When it's a style problem, I have no problem accepting other people's opinions about it. But even though everybody loves to think that all opinions are equal, it's just not true. My opinion was that Bart Sears' art is terrible. And Doctor Diehard's freakish legs on this cover proves that my "opinion" was accurate and objective! Sorry, Bart Sears! But the facts are in and your art on this cover is the facts and the facts are terrible.

Although the cover supplies more subtle hints that The Extremists are gay. I'll let you figure out those hints yourself! It's a gay puzzle!

I just went on Google and typed, "Is the Rubik's Cube gay?" According to the Internet, I think it might be?

Okay, fine, here are the hints: the loads and loads of phallic objects descending on them and the proclamation, "Party time at ground zero!" Also, I think Doctor Diehard might have a boner. It's hard to tell because his legs have turned into suet within his tights.

The issue begins with the Justice League standing around lamenting how terrible they are at saving the day.

Metamorpho said, "Cum."

Look at that woke pussy trying to figure out the correct pronouns to use for the new Doctor Fate! All this 1990s bullshit of caring about respecting other people's identities is ruining good old fashioned comic books! Back in the Golden Age, before comic books went woke, you saw a character with tits and you never even considered using male pronouns! Even if they were male!

What I find most interesting about the sort of guys who get all bent out of shape about having to respect somebody's gender identity is that they'll attempt to kick your ass if you call them a girl. So they already get the concept of avoiding insults and respecting other people. It's just that they're also huge assholes who don't want to be told what to do.

The Flash and Metamorpho continue to be confused by Doctor Fate's pronouns in the next panel which is weird because using third-person plural pronouns to refer to a singular person wasn't something invented in the 21st Century. I always found it strange how people avoided doing so to the point they'd write things like "he/she" and "him/her" which sounds way more awkward.

All of Rocket Red's Russian compatriots are dead and now he's sad. But Power Girl's tits are more determined than ever to destroy The Extremists.

Bart Sears probably spent 75% of his time practicing drawing by drawing boobs with a hint of nipple.

Meanwhile in the Gobi Desert or somewhere just as barren, The Extremists have gathered to watch Doctor Diehard steal all of the world's nuclear missiles. He's this powerful because he's based on Magneto and we all know Magneto is the most powerful Marvel character ever, at least when he's written correctly. What can't magnetism do (other than allow Bart Sears to draw a kneeling person)?!

Lord Havok sends a video message to the entire world telling them they have 24 hours to surrender. He doesn't bother translating it to other languages because his Earth was just as anglocentric as our Earth, I guess. I would worry about how he sent the message but that would be the least of the powers of The Extremists. They can do everything else, why can't they also pirate every terrestrial radio and television station and every communication satellite in orbit around Earth?

The United Nations holds an emergency meeting where they finally come to a decision to surrender after The Extremists crash the meeting and threaten all of their lives. The news goes out over television and radio and, luckily, all the heroes on Earth hear the news that they must stand down!

The Doom Patrol and Peacemaker make a nice cameo. I don't know who the guys in the center and bottom center panels are supposed to be but my guesses are Jason Blood, CEO of Demon INC, and Rip Hunter.

Justice League Europe decide that they're not going to sit back and wait, no matter what the governments of Earth say. That's because they have Blue Jay on their side, a hero from The Extremists' world. He's going to tell them how to defeat The Extremists even though he doesn't have a history of being able to defeat The Extremists. But he is a little bird so the phrase, "A little bird told me," will probably be used before the end of this story arc as somebody beats the shit out of Dreamslayer and he croaks, "But how did you figure out how to defeat me?!"

The Extremists make their headquarters in Israel which, I hope, isn't some kind of subtle anti-Semitic commentary.

Oh, well that explains that.

The Extremists speak English so I was assuming they were from a different Earth even though I should have remembered they were from Angor, a planet from another dimension (technically, Earth from the Marvel Universe. But different!). So that's why Lord Havok, whose armor must have some early version of Wikipedia installed on it, has to explain the God of the Abrahamic religions. Being from Angor, I think they're only really familiar with the Norse Gods.

I was just thinking about how the Hal Jordan can save Earth: contact the other Green Lanterns in space to sneak up on Earth orbit and take out all the nukes! They would be saving the Earth from destruction by The Extremists and saving the world from future nuclear annihilation! But then, I'm way smarter than Hal Jordan!

Next, Lord Havok reveals his plans for the future.

You might think this reads as evidence that The Extremists are not gay but I argue, "No sir! Read it again!"

Lord Havok wants to fill their headquarters with voluptuous women so it seems like maybe he's super manly and wants to fuck them. But according to Sabretracer, they just want to eat them. That's why they want voluptuous women because voluptuous means fleshy! Plus, you might want to notice how excited Lord Havok is to begin decorating!

As they're planning sexy recipes, Metamorpho springs his trap! He was hiding under the sand as a giant copper mat, just waiting for Doctor Diehard to walk over him. He encases Doctor Diehard in a copper ball and let's the readers know how anti-magnetic copper is! I nod my head vigorously to show that I totally knew that! But Lord Havok is all, "Yes, but I am stronger than copper!" Good thing he didn't add "Checkmate!" because just after he says his dialogue, Captain Atom blasts him in the balls with a nuclear explosion. Half of Gorgon's tentacles orgasm as he becomes super excited to battle the ripped heroes once more.

The Flash batters Dreamslayer as fast as he can to keep him from casting any spells while Rocket Red tries to kill Tracer for murdering all of the Rocket Reds. Crimson Fox, utterly useless, yells orders at The Flash (which is utterly useless as well because he's much faster than sound). Power Girl battles Gorgon because they're the members of each team with the biggest tits.

No! I wanted to hear whose cock he wanted to grip!

Just a reminder that Lord Havok's helmet is connected to his butthole:

Lord Havok: powered by farts.

The Justice League are winning the battle until they realize that Doctor Diehard can't keep the missiles in orbit behind the wall of copper. Which means they're suddenly falling to the Earth! The Extremists, worried about losing billions of people to torture and kill in one instant (not to mention their own lives (again!)), manage to convince the Justice League to let Doctor Diehard go so the Earth isn't destroyed. The fight winds down as they allow Doctor Diehard to regain control but in so doing, Dreamslayer regains his balance. He casts a spell sending the Justice League to Angor! Oh no! Who is left to stop The Extremists now?! Oh yeah: Batman. Superman. Green Lantern. Wonder Woman. Zatanna. Mister Terrific. Madame Xanadu. Robin. Black Lightning. John Constantine. Martian Manhunter. Blue Devil. Detective Chimp. You know, like, dozens and dozens of heroes!

Justice League Europe #17 Rating: B+. The art wasn't as bad as the cover but it was still Bart Sears' art which I find grating at best. But the story was pretty good! The Extremists were shown to be relatively weak super villains whose main fault is, you know, going to the extreme! They obviously made a huge mistake on Angor by going nuclear and now they just about made the same mistake on Earth. As a super villain, you've got to be careful to not over play your hand! You want power and money but you also want to remain alive to enjoy those things. But I guess that's why they're called The Extremists! That and because they're gay which, in 1990, was probably seen as pretty extreme for most of the country. Not where I lived though! Anytime you wanted to see some gay stuff, you just turned on KOFY TV-20's Dance Party! I wish every gay kid growing up in the US could have had a TV-20 with James Gabbert.

Justice League America #41 (August 1990)

"You people" always sounds racist. I'd simply go with "you assholes."

I used to like the Internet. I had really high hopes for it back in the early 90s. People always complain about gatekeepers but the Internet was ruined because everybody suddenly had easy and hourly access to it. It used to be an interesting place for the curious to explore, or to add to themselves if they took the time to learn how. Now it's just a dopamine generator keeping everybody pacified and/or angry. I'm not even sure why I keep coming back to write on it when nobody wants to read anything of any length on a tiny fucking phone. They just want to see a cat push a dog into a swimming pool immediately followed by a squirrel running up a man's pant leg immediately followed by some ten-second dance immediately followed by a prank that's more vandalization than funny followed by a GIF of Jim looking at the camera followed by some kid screaming, "Ad nauseam," ad nauseam. I'm so fucking exhausted by it all.

Yes, I'm being a whiny little shit. I fucking hate it here. But I'm too lazy to print 'zines these days and, even if I did, who would want to read them without moving pictures and super obscure pop culture references that make a person feel intelligent simply because they happened to read the right 4chan thread seven years ago?

I wasted my life and now that I've lost all passion for everything I once enjoyed, I'm just waiting to die. Thankfully I live in America so it shouldn't take long!

But until then, I guess I can re-read old comic books and make stupid remarks about them.

If I had had any dignity at 18, I would have never purchased another comic book after seeing this panel.

Why the fuck did Mike McKone draw Martian Manhunter so short? Or on his knees? Or floating up through the floor from the room below? Why didn't an editor scream at him? My theory is that Mike McKone drew Oberon instead of Martian Manhunter and sent the pages to Bruce Patterson, the inker. Bruce probably called Kevin Dooley and said, "Hey, isn't Oberon off planet right now? Cause Mike just drew him into the first couple of pages?" And Kevin just said, "So change him into somebody else! Stop wasting my time!"

Or maybe J'onn is just giving Max a handy while they talk.

The conversation continues on the next page with J'onn sitting down but based on J'onn's dialogue, I'm fairly certain it was all meant to be Oberon.

Look at how much space is around "J'onn" and how the ink differs! Totally meant to be Oberon.

Obviously I kept reading comic books back in 1990 because I was an easily pleased idiot who would never even have considered that a comic book team would correct a continuity error in this fucked up way. But back then, I thought comic book creators were attempting to put out their best work at all times. But since then, I've read DC's The New 52. That experiment proved to me that many writers are too fucking lazy to write coherent stories and many editors are too fucking lazy to make sure terrible writers write coherent stories and the big two publishers are too fucking lazy to publish interesting comic books. It's way easier to just publish six Batman comics and ten Harley comics per month.

OberJ'onn tells Max he's proud of how far he's come from the early days of the League when he was a terribly manipulative asshole. Somehow, OberJ'onn thinks Max has improved. Max goes on to prove how much on the way to some important function by using his power to convince a taxi driver that the driver's name is actually the wrong name that Max called him. Hopefully that's the worst thing Max Lord will ever do. I'm counting on him becoming a better person!

Max Lord, being a super important person at a super important function, walks around the conference room sniffing people.

It's the only way to tell if a woman is ripe.

Max Lord, being a super good person now, uses his super power of persuasion to get the woman to talk to him. He's all, "There's nothing immoral in it—or is there?" So he knows it's at least a question but he decides not to let the ethical discussion stand in the way of what he wants (especially because the dilemma is so easy to solve against his wishes). You judge him but did you get a whiff of her? No you didn't so you really can't judge! I bet she used pheromones against him and forced him to force her to talk to him! Sneaky harlot!

Max feels another ethical dilemma coming on!

Max and I have so much in common when it comes to hitting on women! First we sniff them out at a party. Then we chicken out and never approach them. Then . . . well, that's it really. Because Max used his powers to get her to talk to him which convinced her to come back to his place where he now has to try not to use his powers to get her to fuck him because he wants to win the game he's playing where her body is the prize! Man, so much in common with me! I, too, see women as goldfish in plastic bags to be taken home once you get the ping pong ball in the bowl on the lily pad.

Maybe that was too disturbing a metaphor for treating women like prizes to be won because the goldfish always died in like 24 hours so now I sound like a serial killer. Oh well, I bet some women find that hot!

Before Max can condemn himself to a future life in #MeToo mentions, he is attacked by Lord Evil!

I would have gone with Viscount Evil so I could act extra pissed-off whenever anybody pronounced my name incorrectly (which would be always, probably).

Lord Evil truly is evil because his costume is orange and green. Unless he's also merely stupid and doesn't realize he's giving off Aquaman vibes. If I were to call myself Viscount Evil, I would, at the very least, have spikes and armor on my costume. The costume would be mostly black with maybe some purple highlights. It would have a cape but it would be one of those capes that stands up like a foot or so off the shoulders to loom behind my head (helmeted, of course, with horns). I'd keep packets of fake blood within my mouth so that I could bite down on them every now and then. That would be pretty scary and evil, right? And to promote just how terrible and evil I was, I'd probably pay for Twitter Blue.

Lord Evil has come to steal the secrets of the Justice League of America from Maxwell Lord so that he can defeat the JLA. But Max Lord isn't just the manager of the Justice League; he's also a brand-spanking new hero! He uses his power to make Lord Evil step outside the window and fall to his death.

So to summarize: Max Lord, after being told by J'oberon that he's become a better person, uses his powers to change the name of a cab driver against his will, lure a woman back to his apartment to fuck her, and kill a man. What a guy! Oh, he also reveals his new super hero name:

I like how the font in his name changes color after "MAX" so the stupid readers can get the joke.

This is too ridiculous to be real, even for a comic book. My theory is that Max passed out as he entered his apartment from too much alcohol, banged his head on his steel buttplug, and dreamed the Lord Evil encounter and everything after that. In reality, Wanda is probably going through his pockets and robbing him blind, wondering why she even approached this loser in the first place.

I wish the story following Max passing out as he entered his apartment were true though because he's as merciless as The Punisher. I mean, Vigilante! How did that Marvel comparison get in here?! Now I feel sick!

Max kills three more people after Lord Evil, leaves a guy named Masked Robber (Maxwell Lord has a terrible imagination, I guess) to beat the shit out of himself, and convinces a giant gorilla to leap to its death off the Empire State Building. He then returns to JLA Headquarters to find the League defeated by his arch-nemesis, Massivtron. He kills him too. But everybody witnesses this murder and now they're all upset that good old Max Lord has crossed the line Batman won't cross and so nobody else can cross it either! No DC hero gets to be judge, jury, and executioner because Batman set some kind of wussy precedent! That sounded like I don't agree with Batman's precedent when actually I do! Because if it's between rooting for Batman, who does everything just up to murder, or Red Hood, who is a gigantic asshat (which has nothing to do with whether he murders or not), I can't side with Red Hood! That character sucks! Mostly because he was brought back by Judd Winick who was the worst cast member of The Real World: San Francisco and written for many, many years by Scott Lobdell. I wish Max Lord had shot Red Hood in the face!

Max Lord wakes up in his bed with the realization that with great power comes great responsibility. Yes, they use that phrase. Twice! Once at the beginning and at the end when Max wakes up, vomits, and learns his lesson. He feels really bad that he manipulated the woman but then finds her sleeping in the guest room and decides it was probably okay this one time. And, you know, if he needs to manipulate her again in the morning, that'll probably be okay too. And then maybe over lunch. Perhaps after dinner. Probably three, four times per week until they get married. You know, no big deal!

Justice League America #41 Rating: C. Are the readers supposed to believe that with one night of crazy dreams, Max Lord has somehow learned his lesson to not be a manipulative dickhead? Even before he got his powers of manipulation, he was manipulating people! All the way back to the first few issues where he hired the Royal Flush Gang to attack the Justice League in front of the press! The guy is an asshole and he won't be reformed this easily. Perhaps this issue was just a giant bit of legerdemain to make the audience think Max has reformed so that the impact of his next betrayal will be that much greater! Because we all know he eventually works with Brother Eye and shoots Blue Beetle in the head. That may be a decade or so away though. I'm sure he'll show his true colors (which are asshole brown and Stygian black) more quickly than that. Probably in "Breakdowns."

Justice League Europe #16 (July 1990)

Those human eyes ruin the entire vibe of Lord Havok!

I was really hoping Lord Havok was some sort of homicidal robot but now I'm picturing a huge dork underneath that armor. And by "huge dork," of course I mean "skinny twerp." I suppose I could learn to be more accurate with language but I just can't be bothered. Why waste even more of my finite life trying to be more accurate? I've bumbled along clumsily for this long, I might as well eventually just trip into my grave spouting nonsense. Die like you live, right?

In my defense, I've been reading Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day and already uncovered two anachronisms. My theory as to why he was so careless in Against the Day was that he had the same access to the Internet as I do while I'm reading it but he's probably a grouchy old curmudgeon who insists on doing all of his research in an analog manner. That's probably why I've only found two anachronisms in sixty pages instead of dozens! He's smart enough not to rely on the Internet.

Oh yeah, the point of saying "in my defense" was that Pynchon can also fuck up with language and he's like a Grand Master of it.

Last issue, Metamorpho got his ass kicked by The Extremists who had just arrived from their dead Earth to torture and kill everybody on this Earth. Now Wally wants to rush off to beat their asses because he's The Flash and his whole identity is acting quickly and not thinking. Sort of like Hal Jordan's entire identity is punching people in the mouth and not thinking. And Batman's whole identity is lacerating organs and causing internal bleeding but thinking a whole lot. Don't worry, I'm not going to do all of the DC heroes. Just one more: Green Arrow's entire identity is his facial hair and I think I hate him.

Captain Atom either has a hernia or has been drawn by Bart Sears.

This is only the second issue of what I think is a four issue story so be prepared to see Justice League Europe get nearly decimated by The Extremists. That's an easy guess to make because I understand the pacing of comic book stories and also because I looked at the cover.

Captain Atom refuses to let Wally or anybody else use the teleporter tubes to Moscow which seems like a really sensible idea. How little does somebody need to tinker with one to end the life of anybody using one? The Extremists could have just thrown a bale of razor wire into the receiving tubes and The Flash would materialize around it and die. I think. I don't know how teleporters work aside from how they disintegrate and kill the person entering one and 3D print an organic clone of the person on the other side. That's always how I figured the Star Trek transporter worked and then Star Trek: The Next Generation did that episode "Second Chances" where Will Riker meets his duplicate created in a transporter malfunction and how else do you explain that unless the transporter creates a brand new copy at the other end every time? It's a fucking suicide machine is what it is.

When I first read this in 1990, I probably would have just muttered, "Gay," after reading this panel. But now that it's the 21st Century, I applaud their homosexual relationship enthusiastically.

That was a joke and it makes me sound like I was an awful person in 1990 but what can I do? It's the facetious way I chose to express how I think Lord Havok and Dreamslayer might be in a relationship! Or maybe Lord Havok is straight and he just loves fucking Dreamslayer's face with his robot penis (because his face looks like a vagina? I think?). Hmm, maybe "straight" isn't the right word for a robot that loves to fuck mystic portal faces. Maybe somebody on tumblr knows what that's called but I don't!

What I'm trying to say is Lord Havok is pretty fucking hot and anybody in the DC Universe would be lucky to pull him. He's no Lobo but he's up there!

Also, yes, I saw the cover too and realize Lord Havok isn't a robot! I'm not some dumb kid who saw Star Wars when he was six years old and thought the stormtroopers were robots! I mean, I was that six year old but I'm not any more! I also think it's just fine for a young kid to think a bunch of characters that all look alike and shoot straight and have "OIL" on their back might be robots and not men in space armor, Brent Johnson! You've shamed me long enough!

Dammit! It's the 21st Century! Why did I just mutter, "Gay"?

How did I not notice in 1990 that The Extremists were a gay super villain group?! It's probably why they named themselves The Extremists! And they probably destroyed their homeworld because it was run by a bunch of patriarchal, homophobic, trans-hating assholes! Are Justice League Europe the baddies?

WHY DO I KEEP MUTTERING THAT WORD?!

A bunch of Rocket Reds attack and get decimated and/or stripped. They probably lose three times the GDP of the Soviet Union in destroyed armor.

You may notice that sometimes I call the country Russia and sometimes I write Soviet Union because this is taking place in mid-1990 while the Soviet Union was using all of the countries that made it a Union to independence. It's too hard to keep straight! If I'm writing about the country before November of 1989 and the fall of the Berlin Wall, I'll definitely use Soviet Union. From that point on until the end of 1990, I allow myself the freedom to use Soviet Union and Russia interchangeably. After 1990, it's Russia all the way, baby! Unless I'm tired or weary when I write something and I'm not paying particularly close attention to dates and then you need to forgive me for being a complete and utter ignoramus. What do I know about that history? I only lived through it!

During the battle, Rocket Red #5 gets transported to another world by Dreamslayer. That story never got a four issue spin-off? I would love to read the story of Rocket Red #4 in another dimension! No wait! That's like a Monkey's Paw wish because now I'll probably get that story but written by Ann Nocenti and drawn by John Romita Jr! Can I rework my wish to say that I'd like the story written by Garth Ennis or Tom King and drawn by Val Semeiks or Moritat?

Not being able to use the teleporter array, Justice League Europe has to fly there in a space shuttle like a broke-ass, um, Justice League America.

A lot of younger people love Wally West more than Barry Allen and I think it's because they were too young to read this version of Wally West. I fucking hate this guy.

To be fair to Wally, I never really liked Barry Allen either. Not that I had much time to get to know his character! I pretty much began reading comic books because of Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Now that they've brutally slaughtered the Rocket Red Brigade, they're off to find someplace quiet to fuck.

I don't want to argue against The Extremists being gay because that makes them more nuanced and bad-ass. But what if, on their world, society never had such an extreme backlash against homosexuality, using the law to punish homosexuals, and so heterosexual men were able to be intimate and close friends in public the way women are without fear of being arrested and thrown in goal to do hard labour? Maybe this is just natural male camaraderie unhampered by the homophobic fear of men loving other men? I'm just saying that's one possibility! But it's not the one I want to believe. The Extremists are totally and unflinchingly gay.

Blue Jay escapes and takes the last standing Moscow teleporter back to Justice League Europe headquarters to nearly be eaten by their cat mascot and beaten to death by Catherine. But he manages to survive to tell the tale of his world and how it fell to The Extremists. Seeing as how Blue Jay was almost defeated by a publicist and a feral cat, maybe The Extremists aren't as powerful as Blue Jay would like the JLE to think. Maybe the people of his world are all just weak twerps. I guess that's an unfair conclusion to come to about the people of Blue Jay's world. Blue Jay is just some guy who can turn into a tiny bird. Of course he was almost killed by a woman and her cat.

Blue Jay's story is that The Extremists are super dangerous because they managed to steal all of the nuclear weapons on his world and detonate them, killing everybody. Sounds like maybe The Extremists rely too much on stolen nuclear weapons. But Catherine and Sue are all, "Oh no! These five villains killed an entire world and we've sent The Elongated Man to stop them! What'll we do?!" Oh, okay, I get it. Yeah, I'd be concerned too. The Earth is fucked.

Justice League Europe arrives in Moscow before they can be warned about the extreme danger. They refused to use the teleporter because it could have been a trap so instead they fly noisily into Moscow airspace where The Extremists notice them coming from miles away. Dreamslayer uses his magic powers to make the ship disappear, leaving the heroes to wonder how the trick worked. Oh, and also to fall from the sky. Metamorpho arrives via the teleporter to help out.

As a distraction, I guess?

Power Girl kicks the shit out of Magneto-wannabe Doctor Diehard. Crimson Fox takes out Sabretooth-clone Tracer. The Elongated Man tries to out-gross Gorgon. Dreamslayer stalls The Flash. And Lord Havok wrestles with Captain Atom. It's then that I notice something odd about Lord Havok's costume.

His helmet is connected directly to his asshole.

According to Lord Havok, that move in the above panel where Captain Atom throws Lord Havok off from top of him is a "cheap trick." Apparently Lord Havok detests cheap tricks. But I'm not sure he knows the definition of the term. Perhaps to Lord Havok, a cheap trick is any fighting move that counters or defends against one of Lord Havok's fighting moves. That's disappointing because I was hoping to like him but he just sounds like the biggest asshole in the local pub. "How dare you get mad at me when I purposefully bump you and spill my beer! What a cheap trick!"

Dreamslayer (who I'm beginning to suspect might be a woman) ends the battle with one spell that incapacitates the entire Justice League Europe. It's a good thing Dreamslayer knew that spell because the comic book is almost over. There weren't enough pages left for a big drawn-out team battle.

After the battle, Doctor Diehard notices a Soviet propaganda poster showing nuclear weapons and is all, "Hey guys! Remember how we killed everybody with nuclear missiles on our world and then grew terribly bored having nobody left to torture? We can do that to this world too!" Dreamslayer does not say, "Yeah, you guys did kill everybody! Literally! Including yourselves!" Instead, Dreamslayer is all, "Oh, yeah, sounds like a good plan, buddy! Let's go figure out how to end the world!"

This feels like gay male privilege. It's easy to leave via a gigantic penis shape. But what if this were a lesbian supervillain group?! No, seriously, what would that look like? Dreamslayer's face? The mouth of a piranha? A budding orchid? I want to see a vagina so badly.

The last page ends on a funny bit to remind the readers that this comic book used to be funny but things are changing. Nearly the entire team is unconscious and scattered about the ruins of Moscow, flames everywhere. Only The Flash has managed to come around (because of his speed-force metabolism!). He manages to say, weakly, "You think you can just run away? You think we're gonna let you get away with that?" Ha ha ha! It's funny because they did get away with it and they beat their asses and there's nothing The Flash can do about it! Oh, Flash! You're so impotent!

Justice League Europe #16 Rating: B+. It was halfway through this issue that I remembered how Dreamslayer was the only person aside from Silver Sorceress, Blue Jay, and Wandjina to survive the apocalypse of their world and that the other members of The Extremists were theme park mascots. Sorry for the spoiler but since my own stupid head that can't remember anything ever decided it would remember a huge spoiler to this story, I had to share it with you. Besides, everybody else who read this in 1990 probably never forgot that huge twist. It's practically an episode of The Twilight Zone! Which reminds me, I should continue reviewing episodes of that show! Oh, and Star Trek: The Next Generation! But not Friends. I don't think I can get back into the frame of mind I was in when I was reviewing that show. Anyway, this issue was pretty decent at establishing how the Justice League are actually going to face a real threat now and not some joke threat like Jack O'Lantern or the Injustice League or a feral cat.