Justice League Europe #16 (July 1990)

Those human eyes ruin the entire vibe of Lord Havok!

I was really hoping Lord Havok was some sort of homicidal robot but now I'm picturing a huge dork underneath that armor. And by "huge dork," of course I mean "skinny twerp." I suppose I could learn to be more accurate with language but I just can't be bothered. Why waste even more of my finite life trying to be more accurate? I've bumbled along clumsily for this long, I might as well eventually just trip into my grave spouting nonsense. Die like you live, right?

In my defense, I've been reading Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day and already uncovered two anachronisms. My theory as to why he was so careless in Against the Day was that he had the same access to the Internet as I do while I'm reading it but he's probably a grouchy old curmudgeon who insists on doing all of his research in an analog manner. That's probably why I've only found two anachronisms in sixty pages instead of dozens! He's smart enough not to rely on the Internet.

Oh yeah, the point of saying "in my defense" was that Pynchon can also fuck up with language and he's like a Grand Master of it.

Last issue, Metamorpho got his ass kicked by The Extremists who had just arrived from their dead Earth to torture and kill everybody on this Earth. Now Wally wants to rush off to beat their asses because he's The Flash and his whole identity is acting quickly and not thinking. Sort of like Hal Jordan's entire identity is punching people in the mouth and not thinking. And Batman's whole identity is lacerating organs and causing internal bleeding but thinking a whole lot. Don't worry, I'm not going to do all of the DC heroes. Just one more: Green Arrow's entire identity is his facial hair and I think I hate him.

Captain Atom either has a hernia or has been drawn by Bart Sears.

This is only the second issue of what I think is a four issue story so be prepared to see Justice League Europe get nearly decimated by The Extremists. That's an easy guess to make because I understand the pacing of comic book stories and also because I looked at the cover.

Captain Atom refuses to let Wally or anybody else use the teleporter tubes to Moscow which seems like a really sensible idea. How little does somebody need to tinker with one to end the life of anybody using one? The Extremists could have just thrown a bale of razor wire into the receiving tubes and The Flash would materialize around it and die. I think. I don't know how teleporters work aside from how they disintegrate and kill the person entering one and 3D print an organic clone of the person on the other side. That's always how I figured the Star Trek transporter worked and then Star Trek: The Next Generation did that episode "Second Chances" where Will Riker meets his duplicate created in a transporter malfunction and how else do you explain that unless the transporter creates a brand new copy at the other end every time? It's a fucking suicide machine is what it is.

When I first read this in 1990, I probably would have just muttered, "Gay," after reading this panel. But now that it's the 21st Century, I applaud their homosexual relationship enthusiastically.

That was a joke and it makes me sound like I was an awful person in 1990 but what can I do? It's the facetious way I chose to express how I think Lord Havok and Dreamslayer might be in a relationship! Or maybe Lord Havok is straight and he just loves fucking Dreamslayer's face with his robot penis (because his face looks like a vagina? I think?). Hmm, maybe "straight" isn't the right word for a robot that loves to fuck mystic portal faces. Maybe somebody on tumblr knows what that's called but I don't!

What I'm trying to say is Lord Havok is pretty fucking hot and anybody in the DC Universe would be lucky to pull him. He's no Lobo but he's up there!

Also, yes, I saw the cover too and realize Lord Havok isn't a robot! I'm not some dumb kid who saw Star Wars when he was six years old and thought the stormtroopers were robots! I mean, I was that six year old but I'm not any more! I also think it's just fine for a young kid to think a bunch of characters that all look alike and shoot straight and have "OIL" on their back might be robots and not men in space armor, Brent Johnson! You've shamed me long enough!

Dammit! It's the 21st Century! Why did I just mutter, "Gay"?

How did I not notice in 1990 that The Extremists were a gay super villain group?! It's probably why they named themselves The Extremists! And they probably destroyed their homeworld because it was run by a bunch of patriarchal, homophobic, trans-hating assholes! Are Justice League Europe the baddies?

WHY DO I KEEP MUTTERING THAT WORD?!

A bunch of Rocket Reds attack and get decimated and/or stripped. They probably lose three times the GDP of the Soviet Union in destroyed armor.

You may notice that sometimes I call the country Russia and sometimes I write Soviet Union because this is taking place in mid-1990 while the Soviet Union was using all of the countries that made it a Union to independence. It's too hard to keep straight! If I'm writing about the country before November of 1989 and the fall of the Berlin Wall, I'll definitely use Soviet Union. From that point on until the end of 1990, I allow myself the freedom to use Soviet Union and Russia interchangeably. After 1990, it's Russia all the way, baby! Unless I'm tired or weary when I write something and I'm not paying particularly close attention to dates and then you need to forgive me for being a complete and utter ignoramus. What do I know about that history? I only lived through it!

During the battle, Rocket Red #5 gets transported to another world by Dreamslayer. That story never got a four issue spin-off? I would love to read the story of Rocket Red #4 in another dimension! No wait! That's like a Monkey's Paw wish because now I'll probably get that story but written by Ann Nocenti and drawn by John Romita Jr! Can I rework my wish to say that I'd like the story written by Garth Ennis or Tom King and drawn by Val Semeiks or Moritat?

Not being able to use the teleporter array, Justice League Europe has to fly there in a space shuttle like a broke-ass, um, Justice League America.

A lot of younger people love Wally West more than Barry Allen and I think it's because they were too young to read this version of Wally West. I fucking hate this guy.

To be fair to Wally, I never really liked Barry Allen either. Not that I had much time to get to know his character! I pretty much began reading comic books because of Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Now that they've brutally slaughtered the Rocket Red Brigade, they're off to find someplace quiet to fuck.

I don't want to argue against The Extremists being gay because that makes them more nuanced and bad-ass. But what if, on their world, society never had such an extreme backlash against homosexuality, using the law to punish homosexuals, and so heterosexual men were able to be intimate and close friends in public the way women are without fear of being arrested and thrown in goal to do hard labour? Maybe this is just natural male camaraderie unhampered by the homophobic fear of men loving other men? I'm just saying that's one possibility! But it's not the one I want to believe. The Extremists are totally and unflinchingly gay.

Blue Jay escapes and takes the last standing Moscow teleporter back to Justice League Europe headquarters to nearly be eaten by their cat mascot and beaten to death by Catherine. But he manages to survive to tell the tale of his world and how it fell to The Extremists. Seeing as how Blue Jay was almost defeated by a publicist and a feral cat, maybe The Extremists aren't as powerful as Blue Jay would like the JLE to think. Maybe the people of his world are all just weak twerps. I guess that's an unfair conclusion to come to about the people of Blue Jay's world. Blue Jay is just some guy who can turn into a tiny bird. Of course he was almost killed by a woman and her cat.

Blue Jay's story is that The Extremists are super dangerous because they managed to steal all of the nuclear weapons on his world and detonate them, killing everybody. Sounds like maybe The Extremists rely too much on stolen nuclear weapons. But Catherine and Sue are all, "Oh no! These five villains killed an entire world and we've sent The Elongated Man to stop them! What'll we do?!" Oh, okay, I get it. Yeah, I'd be concerned too. The Earth is fucked.

Justice League Europe arrives in Moscow before they can be warned about the extreme danger. They refused to use the teleporter because it could have been a trap so instead they fly noisily into Moscow airspace where The Extremists notice them coming from miles away. Dreamslayer uses his magic powers to make the ship disappear, leaving the heroes to wonder how the trick worked. Oh, and also to fall from the sky. Metamorpho arrives via the teleporter to help out.

As a distraction, I guess?

Power Girl kicks the shit out of Magneto-wannabe Doctor Diehard. Crimson Fox takes out Sabretooth-clone Tracer. The Elongated Man tries to out-gross Gorgon. Dreamslayer stalls The Flash. And Lord Havok wrestles with Captain Atom. It's then that I notice something odd about Lord Havok's costume.

His helmet is connected directly to his asshole.

According to Lord Havok, that move in the above panel where Captain Atom throws Lord Havok off from top of him is a "cheap trick." Apparently Lord Havok detests cheap tricks. But I'm not sure he knows the definition of the term. Perhaps to Lord Havok, a cheap trick is any fighting move that counters or defends against one of Lord Havok's fighting moves. That's disappointing because I was hoping to like him but he just sounds like the biggest asshole in the local pub. "How dare you get mad at me when I purposefully bump you and spill my beer! What a cheap trick!"

Dreamslayer (who I'm beginning to suspect might be a woman) ends the battle with one spell that incapacitates the entire Justice League Europe. It's a good thing Dreamslayer knew that spell because the comic book is almost over. There weren't enough pages left for a big drawn-out team battle.

After the battle, Doctor Diehard notices a Soviet propaganda poster showing nuclear weapons and is all, "Hey guys! Remember how we killed everybody with nuclear missiles on our world and then grew terribly bored having nobody left to torture? We can do that to this world too!" Dreamslayer does not say, "Yeah, you guys did kill everybody! Literally! Including yourselves!" Instead, Dreamslayer is all, "Oh, yeah, sounds like a good plan, buddy! Let's go figure out how to end the world!"

This feels like gay male privilege. It's easy to leave via a gigantic penis shape. But what if this were a lesbian supervillain group?! No, seriously, what would that look like? Dreamslayer's face? The mouth of a piranha? A budding orchid? I want to see a vagina so badly.

The last page ends on a funny bit to remind the readers that this comic book used to be funny but things are changing. Nearly the entire team is unconscious and scattered about the ruins of Moscow, flames everywhere. Only The Flash has managed to come around (because of his speed-force metabolism!). He manages to say, weakly, "You think you can just run away? You think we're gonna let you get away with that?" Ha ha ha! It's funny because they did get away with it and they beat their asses and there's nothing The Flash can do about it! Oh, Flash! You're so impotent!

Justice League Europe #16 Rating: B+. It was halfway through this issue that I remembered how Dreamslayer was the only person aside from Silver Sorceress, Blue Jay, and Wandjina to survive the apocalypse of their world and that the other members of The Extremists were theme park mascots. Sorry for the spoiler but since my own stupid head that can't remember anything ever decided it would remember a huge spoiler to this story, I had to share it with you. Besides, everybody else who read this in 1990 probably never forgot that huge twist. It's practically an episode of The Twilight Zone! Which reminds me, I should continue reviewing episodes of that show! Oh, and Star Trek: The Next Generation! But not Friends. I don't think I can get back into the frame of mind I was in when I was reviewing that show. Anyway, this issue was pretty decent at establishing how the Justice League are actually going to face a real threat now and not some joke threat like Jack O'Lantern or the Injustice League or a feral cat.

Justice League Spectacular #1 (1992)

Just off-panel: Bibbo's ice cream truck.

I probably shouldn't be reading this or Justice League Quarterly before I read the Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League but what can I do? That's the order they were placed in the short box! It would be a different story if free will were not an illusion but since it is, my hands are tied. It's either read this or, um, I don't know. Die from a temporal paradox? I won't risk it!

I was looking through a bunch of my old writing and art last week and discovered a bunch of the kind of sentimental and sort of intellectual crap young people write. It's the kind of stuff you hide away and never show anybody ever and hope that when you die, it'll just get tossed in a dumpster with your old porn and Magic the Gathering cards. But it got me thinking about how brave I am! So brave! The kind of brave you wouldn't hesitate to call some jerk who signed up for the military because he couldn't live as a civilian. No, no. More braver than that! And being this super brave kind of person, I thought that maybe I should share some of this old poetry with everybody!

But not yet! You have to work up to being truly brave! So instead, I'll share this piece of artwork I did that was supposed to be the first in a lengthy and disgusting series. It's of Lord Fondlerot, a character I created for the Dwarflover online comic I used to do. He was really into fucking things and I thought, "Hey! I should do a series of drawings where he fucks every creature in the monster manual!" But instead of doing an entire series, I drew one picture and grew either bored or disgusted with the concept. So here's that one picture:

Lord Fondlerot fucking an Axebeak.

Now you're probably wondering just how terrible my poetry must be if I'm opening with that! Well, you'll see soon enough!

This issue begins with Sue Dibny still alive and visiting a Florida theme park with her husband, The Elasticated Man. Wow, remember when Sue Dibny was killed and all the heroes freaked out about their secret identities and considered doing intense brain damage to every single person who ever knew any of their identities until they found out that The Atom's ex-wife Jean Loring had gone cuckoo for Atom's cocoa puffs? She wanted them back so bad that she began threatening and murdering the loved ones of all the super heroes. It was the kind of story DC sometimes does where you read it and think, "Well, the twist at the end of that mystery was definitely worth the destruction of the most stable marriage in the DC Universe and also the death of Firestorm and Captain Boomerang! So good!" I mean it doesn't make you think that. It makes you think the exact opposite. Tom King would eventually do pretty much the same thing in Heroes in Crisis but instead of Jean Loring fucking up by accidentally killing Sue Dibny and murdering more people to cover her tracks, Wally West fucks up and kills Poison Ivy and some others and then tries to cover his tracks. But at least Tom King's had all of those entertaining scenes where the heroes are doing therapy and we get to see how much they're all suffering from PTSD. That's always a fun aspect of super heroes we never get to read enough about.

Dammit! I keep doing it. I meant it was the opposite of fun! Although I still liked it because sometimes I just like seeing other people in pain. Not in a sick perverse way where I pop a boner or something! Just in that way where you sit around all day thinking, "My life is terrible and everything is wrong and I hate my parents for bringing me into this wretched existence and the only thing that might make me feel better is to learn that Superman sometimes feels the same way."

Oh, remember when Tom King was writing Batman and he had that two issue Booster Gold arc where we got to see how fucking insane Booster Gold was from living through all of those horrible, wretched, dark alternate timelines? And the only way he can deal with the trauma and the PTSD is by making a joke out of everything? I'll have to think of that as the canon Booster Gold when I'm reading Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League. Maybe it'll make all of Booster and Beetle's inappropriate joking more appropriate.

Back to the story, Sue Dibny, alive and well, and her husband Ralph "The Elasticated Man" Dibny are busy showing a bunch of European diplomats around the non-Disney World theme park.

See? You can tell they're European because they're all smart and shit.

The first stop in the park is to Alice's Wonderland where the diplomats are attacked by the Royal Flush Gang. They are a gang whose theme is playing cards and not expensive toilets. Their powers are the ability to ride on gigantic cards and to make poker puns.

If looking good in tight fitting costumes is also a power, it's my new answer to the question of which super power would I choose..

Ten's outfit reminds me of the days when nipples were allowed to show through tops without being erased away through some kind of editing software. The 70s were a wild decade! Sure, there were also nips on television in the 80s but the 80s, generally speaking, sucked and were a huge contribution to the downfall of America.

The King of Spades mansplaining their entire concept to the Queen of Spades.

It's true that the royal flush beats any other poker hand but I doubt Superman is going to surrender after this concept is explained to him because, in the end, they're not fucking playing poker.

It turns out Maxwell Lord paid the Royal Flush Gang to make a little trouble so the Justice League could beat them up and get some media attention. But the Justice League has apparently broken up and The Elasticated Man just isn't hero enough to save the European delegates all by himself. He might have been if the Royal Flush Gang had done what they were told and not really fight back. But why would they do that?! Wouldn't they still be in trouble with federal agents?!

Booster Gold finds Blue Beetle busy pouting in the old Justice League cave headquarters. Booster has decided to try to cheer his old buddy up although why wouldn't Booster just travel to a timeline where Ted Kord is already cheered up? Is that how time travel works in the DCU? Or did Booster already try that, it went horribly sideways, and now he's a little more fucked up in the head when he returns to the "real" timeline?

For some reason, Ice and Fire have also come down to the cave. Probably to accidentally go on a double date with Booster and Beetle.

Booster and Fire and Beetle and Ice hear a news report about the Royal Flush Gang and decide to go save Ralph. Superman also hears about the situation and heads to Florida where he's almost immediately defeated by The Royal Flush Gang. Not because they're dangerous and competent super villains but because some mysterious benefactor has give them weapons capable of knocking out Superman's powers. Maxwell Lord is not that benefactor so who could have done it? Certainly not Guy Gardner, right?! What would he want with getting the Justice League back together. Isn't he busy being Warrior or something by this point?

Power Girl, Metamorpho, and Guy Gardner all join in on the fight. The guy behind it all is that Weapons Master dude who is desperate to get a new weapon for his arsenal: a Green Lantern ring. The attack on the Royal Flush Gang fails to get him the ring so he decides to attack directly. But not in this issue! He has to wait for a regular series issue.

Ice uses Guy's ring to contact Hal Jordan because somebody finally decided this Justice League wasn't really a big league Justice League. Everybody reading it knew it for years. But I guess Dan Jurgens was assigned the task to get a new, more believably powerful League together. So Hal Jordan flies around to pick up some new members to save the day. He chooses The Flash and Aquaman which seems about right. But he also chooses Crimson Fox which seems like sliding backwards into goofy Justice League territory. Not that I totally approve of Aquaman but I have to admit he's a "serious" choice for the League.

Doctor Light also joins the party. Although why she'd keep the name of a pedo, I couldn't guess. Just become Lightwoman or something. But no! Once some jerk earns their doctorate, they just have to demand to be called Doctor.

I'm sorry. I was too distracted pointing out that Doctor Light joined the fight and how her namesake was a pervert to comment on Metamorpho acting like a huge fucking pig.

Crimson Fox beats up some guys dressed as cards and admits that she's a boring idiot whose favorite part of the game is shuffling the cards. I understand the need to think up some kind of goofy one-liner when you go into battle but shouldn't you at least try to think up one that doesn't make yourself sound like a pathetic asshole?

Weapons Master's plan failed but he figures he has enough information to get Green Lantern's ring next time. He'll then sell it to a Dominator for a few bucks and maybe some slaves.

The big hitters talk it over and decide they should start a new Justice League without the approval of the United Nations. Yeah! Who needs some stupid Earthly authority when you've got an invulnerable Kryptonian, an all powerful space cop, and the king of the seven seas! All they need is a Greek Goddess and a mentally ill furry with a long history of violent behavior and they'll have the big team back together! Booyah! I mean, without that stupid Booyah shit because Cyborg is basically a toaster at this point. Maybe. I don't know! What am I, Johnni DC, Continuity Cop?!

The heroes make one more decision: split the group into two Leagues. So once again, they're forming Justice League America and Justice League Europe. How come I don't remember this shit?! Did the comics get canceled in '92 and then immediately fired back up? I don't seem to remember two different incarnations of these teams. Maybe I should have stored my comic books in chronological order so it would all make sense.

Justice League Spectacular #1 Rating: C. I just read the letters pages and it looks like this comic book takes place between JLA #60 and JLA #61! So editorial decided the teams needed to be shaken up and the best way to do it was to disband the League in the regular series, have a special one-shot comic that gets them back together but with a different roster, and then send them back to work in the next issue of the regular series. I guess I should just shove this comic book into the middle of the regular series so when I reread it all again in my 80s, it'll make more sense! Let's close with the worst drawing of Aquaman I've ever seen:

Actually, he looks a little bit like Grunion Guy.