Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #6

That pussy can lick itself! Rimjob shot! If you like those jokes, you'll love this comic book.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Enough Harley Quinn! Enough! It's too much! Especially when it's six issues of the same joke over and over again! Go back to publishing four issue miniseries! Creators obviously don't have enough ideas to fill six issues! Examples: This! Bat-mite! Bizarro! Lost Army! Doomed! Okay, those last two were never meant to be six issue miniseries. But that's even worse! They were supposed to be ongoing titles and they didn't have enough ideas for six issues! Of course Prez could have kept going because the writer of that book, old what's-his-name, actually had shit to say! Here's what Scott Lobdell might as well have written for the script of Doomed: "Is this where I endorse my paycheck? How about here? Is the money in my account now? I'm a comic book writer! Whee!" And here's Cullen Bunn's DC scripts: "Work for hire so I don't care! Work for hire so I don't care! Wipe my dick on the script and nobody notices it's the most interesting part of the story!" That's sung to the tune of Fascination Street by The Cure. Maybe.

If I have to read one more joke about a woman's vagina and what it does when the woman is aroused that isn't written by me, I'm going to, well, probably get aroused myself. Enough Harley Quinn already!

Black Canary #6

I'm glad they emphasized the word "cry" or I might have missed the pun!

Rating: -1 Ranking. Bo Maeve should have won the Battle of the Bands because I like her better than Dinah. Is that a fair way to judge a Battle of the Bands? I suppose since I couldn't actually hear any of their music, it's as good as any other reason to declare her the winner. The only reason I dropped the ranking on this book is because it ended with some Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey time travel nonsense which made me realize that this story is just a rip-off of that movie except that Ditto is easier to look at than Station.

Okay, maybe it's not an exact rip-off! But it does have an alien and a battle of the bands and some kind of time travel so it's close enough for me to stake my reputation on claiming it's full on plagiarism!

The Omega Men #7

Still the best overall run of covers.

Rating: +1 Ranking. So good. So fucking good. Good good good good good. So so so so fucking good. So fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking good.

Deathstroke #13

Harley Quinn is only on the cover to remind Harley fans to buy this issue since nobody else will.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Deathstroke's vacation to Belle Reve proves to be a wild goose chase (I should probably look up the etymology of that cliche if I'm going to use it. Is it because wild geese are impossible to chase down? Or is it because you can't chase a wild goose because the motherfucking goose winds up chasing you and breaking your fucking arm with its insane wrath? What are they so angry about?!). You can read the trip to Belle Reve as part of the overall planned plot or you can read it for what it probably was: the whim of a crappy writer. What it almost definitely was was a ploy to sell more copies by bringing Harley back into the story. What it almost certainly isn't is Slade Wilson showing signs of caring for his daughter Rose. His life would be better if he just stopped trying to convince himself that he loves his kids. He really doesn't. He still thinks he named his son Jericho.

Slade's really nemesis has yet to reveal himself but he's forcing Rose to work with him so that they can break Slade. Yes, you read that right. Yet again another villain who doesn't so much want to kill his adversary but break him. Always with the fucking breaking people! Why is "breaking" someone more satisfying than killing them?! Just fucking end them when you have the chance! Stop dilly-dallying!

That would not be a good name for a group of super-villains: The Dilly-Dalliers. Apt, maybe, but not good.

The Flash #47

Zoom runs like a five year old.

Rating: -2 Ranking. This is 22 pages of Zoom and Flash punching each other while Zoom explains what the previous story arc has been about. In the end, The Flash beats Zoom because he realizes Zoom isn't fast at all; he just slows down time. What the fuck is the difference?

The Flash has his A-ha Moment when Zoom tries to beat him to death with a clock. That's when Flash says to Zoom, "Did you study the Hafele-Keating experiment?" He then goes on to explain the experiment while punching Zoom forgetting that Zoom is from the year 2463 and probably knew about time dilation from the Time Dilation Cars they drive. Or the Time Dilation coffee makers. Or the Time Dilation Playstaion 65.

Ultimately The Flash beats Zoom by just screaming "NO!" really loudly and then suddenly having the ability to beat Zoom. And somehow Barry is able to come up with the evidence to prove Zoom killed Nora which will free his dad. But will he be able to come up with the evidence that his dad didn't shoot and murder that stupid security guard who runs into buildings when fire alarms go off from an earlier issue? Enh, everybody probably forgot about that right, Except maybe that poor guard's family!

In the end, The Flash's reputation is still ruined for stupid reasons that still don't make any sense no matter how many articles Iris publishes with the headline: FLASH! MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!

Justice League 3001 #7

The Scullions are modelled on Lex Luthor, aren't they?

Rating: No change. I was going to drop the ranking because Giffen and DeMatteis always do this and it's disconcerting. Issue after issue of wacky hijinks and recycled jokes until WHAM! Everybody dies! Tragedy! Not a joke to be seen! Grim dialogue! Funereal mood! Guy slapping Ice! They might want to take something for their bipolar writing condition.

But then the drop in rankings was balanced out by the new direction. The Justice League still exists with basically all the same members (they've got a super, a bat, an amazon, a lantern, a speedster, and Fire and Ice) but it's now an all female cast. All the guys were killed off. Except Guy. Guy's still a guy but with a woman's body. Except he also isn't since he's being subsumed by the female personality inside the body his DNA was mixed with. So technically she's the one who slapped Ice.

Anyway, the guys probably aren't all dead anyway. Superman was the only one seen being killed, so they'll probably all reappear as the new all male Super Budddies.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #2

Now that they broke up, will this comic book go the route of Batman and Robin after Robin died? Superman Loves Lois Lane. Superman Loves Lana Lang. Superman Loves Lori Lemaris. Superman Loves Batman in College.

Rating: This felt a bit like reading Gertrude Stein's Melanctha. I don't remember enough of that story from Three Lives to explain myself! It was the best story (stories?) about Superman and Wonder Woman's relationship since they first got together. For anybody who was disappointed that their relationship seemed to come out of nowhere and then just seemed to be a thing without any evidence, you might like this annual! Although it came a bit late. DC should have been telling some of these stories during the time the two were dating.

The best way to read this annual is to break it up by chapters and then send those chapters back in time at various points so that your past self can read them and think, "Oh! That's how their relationship is progressing! Good to know!" or "Holy crap, Superman is a whiny, petulant toddler who can't treat his partner like an adult at all!" Mostly you'll probably think that second part.