Green Lantern Annual #1 (1992)

I wouldn't mind getting behind that moon myself. Literally. To have sex with it.

Usually when you see that much ass cheek on a DC cover, it's because I did some horny Photoshop. But that's an actual DC cover and that's Star Sapphire's actual ass with very little cover. I'd say it's one of the best covers I've ever seen except I just now noticed that Hal Jordan is punching Carol in the face. That kind of ruins it for me. Not even Eclipso smiling joyfully at the misogyny can bring me back around. Almost! But not quite.

But what I actually find the most interesting thing on this cover is the little symbol in the corner that reads "Approved by the Comics Code Authority." Out of all the rules they have about things that can't appear in comic books, they're absolutely fine with a woman with most of her ass revealed kneeling in front of a man whose dick may or may not be out as he punches her in the face. Were they just not as strict as I was led to believe? Or had they completely lost all of their teeth by 1992? Or were they less concerned with violence against women than they were about vampires and werewolves. I'm actually surprised it took until the 2000s for comic book companies to completely abandon the practice. I have a feeling that by the '80s most comics with the code on the cover barely had any scrutiny by the "Authority." And if they did, the publisher simply left the damned thing off, like with Watchmen and Swamp Thing and, I think, pretty much all of DC's Vertigo line.

Anyway, it's useful to know that a bunch of uptight pricks who wanted to control a whole category of artistic expression were okay with whatever's happening on this cover. I have to say, I'm really only okay with the right hand side of the cover. You know, from Eclipso to the naked butt cheeks.

The issue begins with Kilowog training a bunch of the new recruits. There's one I don't immediately recognize although I think his name might be Jack or Charlie or something lame like that. He definitely wasn't one of Hal's recent recruits.

I thought Kilowog was supposed to train them for encounters on the battlefield, not encounters in the bedroom.

One recruit is noticeably absent from the training: Amanita, the little mushroom guy. That's because he began saying something before training began and he's only now finishing the sentence now that training is over. That sentence is, "I feel something hunting Green Lanterns." Hmm. Maybe somebody should listen to the little Star Sapphire ass.

Dammit! I keep getting distracted by the cover! I might have to rip it off and hide it under the mattress so I can finish reading this issue!

This is probably the thing hunting Green Lanterns and/or Star Sapphires butthole: Eclipso's fist.

This is the image on the page opposite the Eclipso's fist page:

I was 20 years old when I got this issue. How is it not covered in dried semen?!

The placement of that advert across from Eclipso threatening to fist the next asshole that comes near him had to be on purpose, no?

Eclipso doesn't actually want to fistfuck Green Lantern. He just wants the power of the most powerful weapon in the universe after the color yellow. But Eclipso can't manifest except in extremely rare instances (like a full eclipse and then only at an Oreo factory). Instead, Eclipso rains little Black Diamonds all over the Earth. Anybody who comes into contact with one of them becomes possessed by Eclipso. Right now, Eclipso is using Starman to try to track down Green Lantern. I guess Starman's powers aren't cool because they don't manifest through a gaudy piece of jewelry. Eclipso's D&D treasure type is whichever treasure type was just gems and jewelry.

Starman doesn't know where Green Lantern is so Eclipso has him give the Black Diamond to some homeless man. But he doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so he gives the Black Diamond to a prostitute. But she doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so she gives the Black Diamond to some pervert. He heads into a strip club where I'm sure everybody will be all, "Oh, Guy Gardner? Yeah! He was just here!"

Look at all this nudity! I suspect even the Comics Code Authority hated reading fucking annuals.

The pervert tosses the Black Diamond to one of the strippers and guess what? She's seen Guy Gardner recently! Who could have guessed?! Other than me, of course!

Guy Gardner has just recently lost his ring to Hal Jordan which is fucking crazy because I never know when to read these annuals and I just happened to read this annual at exactly the right time! Guy's trying to figure out what to do next and briefly considers getting a gun. But he's no Simon Baz so he drops the idea immediately. Instead, he picks up a Black Diamond tossed to him by a stripper. Guy Gardner is always angry so I'm sure he transforms into Eclipso in record time. But the scene shifts to Carol and Hal's bedroom.

Gross.

Okay, maybe I'm reading the annual a little too soon if Carol is letting Hal do this to her already.

Hal didn't actually spunk on Carol so I don't know why Andy Smith drew that. She just woke up from a nightmare and Hal raced in to save her. He then listens to her and comforts her and makes sure she feels safe and waits until she falls asleep again and then resents her for not offering to fuck him right there and then. No, really! That's not just me being facetious! At least I don't think it is.

Hal defines "impossible emotional gymnastics" as being super nice to babes and then not getting to fuck them.

Just outside Hal's motel room, Guy Gardner waits, hiding behind a palm tree. That's really all they're good for. Eclipso realized Guy didn't have the power he wanted. But Guy did know where Hal Jordan was currently holed up. So he uses Guy to drop the Black Diamond off for Hal to find. Then Guy just goes back to the strip club thinking he's done his job. But he didn't count on Hal being too concerned with his blue balls to notice the gem on the ground. So instead, Carol, still in her underwear, finds it when she exits her motel room while going to apologize to Hal.

Oh, she's going to apologize to Hal because she told him her dream in which she was mean to Hal. That's also why his feelings were hurt. Because she had a dream where she hated him. Christ, he's a loser. But now that she found the Black Diamond, she's going to go kill Hal while in Star Sapphire's underwear.

Star Sapphire's underwear is just her regular super outfit. Like Superman and Batman.

Eclipso wants Green Lantern as his Eclipsed Slave but he falls into his own trap: he can't fully take over Star Sapphire until she commits her act of rage and revenge. And for Star Sapphire, that means killing Green Lantern. It took Eclipso thousands of years but he's finally learned about Catch-22. It's a hell of a catch, that Catch-22.

Star Sapphire flies off to destroy Ferris Air because she couldn't find Hal Jordan around the corner at the motel's soda machine. Star Sapphire somehow thinks that ex-employees of businesses give a shit if somebody later vandalizes the business. I suppose in this case she may be right only because the ex-employee is also a super hero.

At this point in the comic book, I'm exactly halfway through. That means this "review" will suddenly become a five sentence synopsis of the last 28 pages. It's my brand!

Starman shows up still under Eclipso's influence because Eclipso now has to battle himself so that he doesn't kill Green Lantern while possessing Star Sapphire. Bruce Gordon and his Eclipso hunters arrive with their solar guns to save the eclipsed heroes. Guy Gardner, still under Eclipso's influence, also attacks. And then the Green Lantern Corps arrives to save Hal's ass. It's a real clusterfuck.

Is this lesbian pornography?

Green Lantern Annual #1 Rating: Sexy! I'd explain how the clusterfuck turned out but I'm not sure I know. Hal and Carol remained under Eclipso's power so they could go fuck with Batman in the Detective Comics annual. Guy Gardner hitchhiked into Guy Gardner Reborn #1. Starman headed over into the Superman annual. And the other Green Lanterns all pretended they weren't just humiliated. I think Kilowog explained what happened in a panel near the end but, well, have a look:

Maybe this was the page my 20 year old self's spunk landed on after jerking it to that cover!

Green Lantern #26 (July 1992)

Guy Gardner may have been bad at his job but he never attacked a preschool.

According to the cover, Hal Jordan returns to protecting Earth by locking Carol Ferris in a massive bubble and kicking the asses of fifty toddlers. Believe me, I'm pro both of those things. The only real issue I have is that Carol Ferris still has her pants on.

Based on this description of Los Angeles, I'd wager Gerard Jones was from Northern California.

Looking at Gerard Jones Wikipedia, my theory is proven correct as he was raised in Los Gatos and Gilroy. Los Gatos was where I spent most of my early twenties getting black out drunk. Gilroy was where I never went but you could always smell garlic on the air late at night in Santa Clara if the wind was right. Did that makes sense? Gilroy was full of garlic! I think I finally understand why my college teachers were always writing "Expand!" on my papers.

Hal Jordan goes on and on about how terrible the Earth is and how it needs him as its protector but also that it's gorgeous and shit. He then eats a burrito and goes to a Dodgers game where the Giants are kicking their asses. I may have been from the Bay Area but I was definitely a Dodgers fan in the late '70s and early '80s (before I just stopped giving a shit about baseball somewhere around when I discovered Warhammer. I mean girls! I totally meant girls!). After the game (which he arrives to late and leaves early because he's a shitty supporter), he goes to see how Carol is doing. I probably shouldn't complain about how little "protecting" Hal Jordan is doing since he just got back to Earth and maybe deserves a little down time but the way he keeps going on and on about how much trouble there is and how much he's needed, it kind of bugs the shit out of me. We all know you picked a fight with Guy Gardner not to get back to the boring space cop job. You just missed burritos and baseball and banging Earth chicks. Just be honest about your desires and motivations, you dumb jerk!

Christ. I thought the whole point of the first story arc was to move Hal out of his midlife crisis. But he's just gone from depressed and lost to manically trying to regain his youth.

I guess Evil Star lives in the suburbs of Los Angeles (or Coast City?) because, as you can see in the last panel, he watches Hal Jordan fly over his mother's house. I'm assuming it's his mother's house. He seems a bit like a fucked up loser whose midlife crisis would be equal to five of Hal's.

Carol Ferris has taken up residence in a country club sanitarium to recover from her delusional life as Star Sapphire, space temp. Hal visits her and finds her reading a money making magazine. He immediately begins yelling at her. I guess he not only doesn't want Carol to be Star Sapphire, he also doesn't want her to be whoever she wants to be. Motherfucker already trying to make her decisions for her and control her! Luckily Carol remains level-headed and is all, "I'm not reading this for me! I'm reading this to help you with the small flight school business you were thinking of starting!" Once Hal realizes she's devoting her life to making his life better, he calms down.

This motherfucker, I swear!

Carol offers to give Hal a loan but he refuses. He'd rather be in debt to a bank than to a woman. He says "to a friend" but we've seen enough of Hal to know he's way too sexist to let a woman have any kind of power or leverage over him. Not that Carol would take advantage or manipulate him. She seems eager to just help out a friend she cares for. I just don't think Hal is capable of seeing Carol as an individual and a friend who just wants to help. I've read too much of Gerard Jones' version of Hal in the last 25 issues not to know the real reason Hal won't take Carol's money. It's cause he's a woman hating space pig!

Hal won't take Carol's loan but he does offer her a job as his secretary. He claims it's because she needs a low stress life for now but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants to punish her for being a CEO and his boss for so many years. Hal's just trying to put her in her place!

Meanwhile, Evil Star learns of Green Lantern's return to Southern California. That little guy on the roof wasn't Evil Star himself. It was just one of his little Evil Starlings (as seen on the cover). I don't know what kind of shit Evil Star has gotten into since Crisis on Infinite Earths but it doesn't look good if he's being written by Gerard Jones and working with an army of children.

Evil Star's also working with a tiny little Legion of Doom. Its members include Evil Star, Jocasta, Piston, Repo, and Goldface. I'm only familiar with two of them. I suppose they're all old pre-Crisis Green Lantern foes. They've got some non-Green-Lantern plans in the works. Unlike all of the villains in the '80s and '90s Teen Titans whose only plans were "Destroy the Teen Titans."

I don't like the way those Starlings are clinging to Evil Star like he's a barbarian and they're lusty fur-covered barbarianettes.

Hopefully Evil Star's Starlings aren't children at all (or any kind of individual). Maybe one of Evil Star's powers is to jerk off and have his sperm grow into mute little sticky men. They're just suburban medieval homunculi. And possibly Evil Star's sex toys. Does spunking into a creature made out of your own spunk violate any physical laws? Would that be some kind of CERN creating a black hole situation?

Goldface seems to be the leader of this little operation (a fact we may have learned in that issue where Guy Gardner battled him but I read that like several days ago or something and, being 53, I'm all out of storage for new memories, especially new memories to replace old memories I'd long ago jettisoned as useless). He points out that going after Green Lantern will just expose their Intergalactic Criminal Organization and get it shut down (and also get their asses beat by Hal Jordan). But Evil Star's anxiety gets the best of him and he lashes out at his new evil teammates.

"Babies." Sperm theory confirmed.

Goldface, being the only adult in the cavern, screams at everybody until they stop roughhousing. Um, roughcaving. Ultimately, he realizes that Green Lantern could be a problem and agrees to have his henchmen monitor them. Goldface's henchmen dress like they've just been to a Village People concert in 1978.

Apparently, some time in the past, Green Lantern destroyed Evil Star's ability to gain power from his evil star (or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Based on his mask, I would have guessed he gets his power from starfish). So Evil Star doesn't give a fuck about Goldface's order to not go after Green Lantern. Evil Star has to go after him! He needs his power back so he can make more babies.

Evil Star under a UV light after making his babies.

Meanwhile, Hal and Carol go out for a romantic evening after working all day to set up Hal's new life that Carol might get to be a part in if she plays her sexy cards right. They wind up walking on the beach under the moonlight, almost certainly about to bang in the freezing cold Pacific surf. But then Hal sees a mood killer out of the corner of his eye!

Another man's cumshot!

Hal Jordan immediately sends Carol home in a bubble without any explanation. So that's something she's going to have to learn to deal with if they begin a new relationship. With Carol gone, Hal chases the child down the beach, only to be ambushed by even more children who had buried themselves in the sand. He recognizes them as Evil Star's whatevers just as Evil Star appears and demands that Green Lantern give him his power back. And that's where the issue ends! With Hal Jordan being held down by a bunch of children while a man covered in dried semen attacks him.

Green Lantern #26 Rating: B+. What the fuck is this story about? Is this Gerard Jones' version of Eraserhead? Is this about Hal's fear of having children with Carol? That he'll have to give up some of his power by taking on such a responsibility? Or is this allegory about Carol? How she suddenly sees who Hal really is? A giant toddler himself, obsessed with his carefree younger days? A man who steals the power from anybody who gets close to him and tries to control their every waking minute? That's what makes him such a great Green Lantern, right? His ability (and need!) to restore order in everything (his order, in particular). Everything that makes him good at his Space Cop job ultimately makes him a terrible romantic partner. I bet once Carol sees Hal punch a little Starling kid in the face, over and over again, she'll lose all her lustful thoughts towards Hal.

Oh! I just had a thought. Is fucking in the surf supposed to be an analogy in itself? You know how I mean! The surf being the natural lubrication process of the woman's sexy bits creating a landscape where sand can actually be comfortably fucked upon. But then when Carol sees how Hal beats the shit out of Evil Star's children, her "beach" will become and arid desert. I bet the last part of this story takes place in the desert! And that's where Carol will be all, "I don't think this is going to work, old chum. My first clue should have been how you keep calling that poor friend of yours 'Pieface.'"

Green Lantern #25 (June 1992)

Neither Ralph Dibny nor Ted Kord would bet on Guy. So what was the actual bet?

The way Ralph and Ted are holding up their fingers, they either bet on how many times Guy would call Hal a cunt or how many times Hal Jordan would make Guy Gardner his absolute bitch. Unless the bet has something to do with the enormous tree stump Blue Beetle is sitting in.

By the way, where is the lower half of Ralph Dibny? Down the back of John Stewart's pants?

This issue is extra long for some reason. That reason probably has something to do with how many people loved seeing a brain-damaged man get his ass beat by a fucking cop. Back in 1992, I would have thought, "Who would admit to wanting to see that?" Here in 2024, I think, "I can't believe how many people vociferously declare they want to witness that."

You can't claim the cop didn't know the man he was about to beat the shit out of has brain damage.

Not long after admitting his disdain for somebody with a severe medical condition, Space Cop Hal Jordan basically calls one of his supposed friends the Inuit N-word.

I didn't even know this slur until I was in my 40s! And I only learned of it because of this fucking bastard's use of it!

Chapter One of this issue, the chapter where Hal searches out Guy Gardner so he can pop him one, was drawn by Tim Hamilton and inked by Gary Yap. I have never heard of either of those artists.

I'm not going to caption this "With good reason" because I am not a big jerko.

I'm sure Tim and Gary had a long and healthy career. Looking Tim up online, I haven't noticed his art has improved over the years. But I did laugh out loud at a number of his New Yorker cartoons (which is a huge compliment because, you know, New Yorker cartoons! Ick!)! I didn't look up Gary Yap because I'm 53. I don't have time for this shit. Can't I just casually insult somebody's most personal work and move on without making myself feel guilty by realizing they're full-fledged actual human beings with hopes, dreams, and careers far greater than anything I'll ever accomplish?! Can't I just be bitter sometimes?!

Borrowed without asking from Tim Hamilton's Webpage

As Hal knocks on Guy's door, Hal thinks to himself, "Maybe Guy Gardner is more than just a brain-damaged fool and he'll see reason when I drop in and threaten to utterly destroy Guy's life by demanding my old job back. Surely I can reach the non-brain-damaged part of his brain!" Guy invites him into his apartment for some tea and intellectual discussion.

I've said all I've got to say about Tim Hamilton's art. But I won't stop you from thinking some really hilarious insults about Hal's proportions!

Don't look too closely at Guy Gardner's kitchen table or else you might notice that he's sewn a makeshift vagina into the tablecloth. For fucking, probably.

It's not fair that I'm insulting some of Tim Hamilton's early work. How would I like it if you were to get your hands on some of my early work?! Did you want some of my early work? You want have a good laugh at my expense? Well, too bad! I thought I had a folder of it somewhere in my office but I can't find it right now. The only thing I can find is my poem, "Being There", which I wrote probably around the time I was reading this comic book! 1992? Possibly. It's in my office because I've transcribed it before in a different review. I'm not going to do that again. But I will scan it!

Check out that groovy dot matrix printer font!

If you thought I was being mean criticizing Tim Hamilton's early art then you can't laugh at my early poem, you hypocrite!

Guy's first instinct when Hal says he's taking back Earth is to tell Hal to go fuck himself. It's a good instinct! Hal's argument is that he wants to be on Earth. Guy's argument is that Hal should suck his fat cock. Hal then explains how he was chosen by Abin Sur and was the first to get the gig. Guy points out that he was also chosen but further away and that his ass could use a gentle licking. Hal's next point is that he battled all the villains for a long time. Guy points out that Hal fucking quit to pout around America while Guy took on the responsibility. Hal argues that Guy did the job wrong. Guy counters by calling Hal a pussy.

Oh? Did that strike a nerve? Pussy.

Guy answers Hal by saying that Hal always wants to talk things out instead of fighting. Um, what? Guy Gardner really is brain damaged if that's his view of Hal! Or else I am because Hal hates to talk! He loves to act! He's a brawler not a negotiator! But, at least this time, Hal refuses to be drawn into a fist fight. He's desperate to work this out through dialogue. Probably because he knows he won't be able to convince Guy through debate and they'll wind up fighting anyway. But he can't be seen as the person who threw the first punch. He needs a legitimate claim to the position on Earth and he knows he won't have that if he simply beats the shit out of Guy without discussing it.

But Guy doesn't immediately take the bait either. I'm pretty sure he knows the game Hal is playing. So instead of getting angry (being that he has every right to the position and all the power at the moment), he chooses to frustrate Hal Jordan with continuity errors and plot inconsistencies.

Come on, Guy. Wait until Zero Hour helps clear up some of the fucked up DC history left behind by Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Ultimately, Guy can't escape his tragic flaw of needing to be the best. Instead of pointing out that the job is his and the conversation is over, Guy challenges Hal to a fight to the near-death, winner take Earth, loser quits the Corps. Guy fell right into Hal's stupid trap. It's the biggest proof of all that Guy is brain-damaged. Who else would fall into a stupid fucking cop trap?!

Hal pretends he doesn't want to solve the problem through fisticuffs but he's only pretending to himself. Guy and the readers know Hal basically came to Earth to win the job in a fist fight. Guy probably decides to challenge Hal because Guy obviously thinks he's the better Green Lantern (he's not wrong in the way he's a more entertaining Green Lantern and better but he is wrong in that he's not the best body for the fascist cop program). Guy's too anarchic to be a good soldier. But he truly believes he can kick Hal's ass and by kicking Hal's ass, the matter will be solved once and for all. See? His tragic flaw! We know he's going to get his ass beat! It's what all the dumb comic book readers want! What I mean by that is that most comic book readers are dumb.

Chapter Two begins with a panel of Hal punching Guy in the face. So he does throw the first punch! Guy was counting on it. Not because it makes Hal look bad but because Guy just wanted to get the fight started already. So he called Hal a loser and a cuck and a gutless idiot and a whiner. You know, all the things Hal is but Hal doesn't want to hear that he is.

Earlier, Fire and Ice realized some shit was about to go down. So they gathered up both Justice Leagues to the scene of the brawl. But Hal also contacted the Green Lantern Corps to come help solve the dispute. The Green Lantern Corps keeps the Justice League from interfering. It's a Corps matter for who gets to protect Earth which means nobody living on Earth gets to have a say. Superman and John Stewart decide they should, at least, keep the two Lanterns from destroying the city as if they were a bunch of Teen Titans settling some Daddy Issues.

It's a good thing they're going to simply brawl because both of them regarded the other's use of Green Lantern constructs as "tricks." They must fucking hate themselves every time they create a giant baseball glove or cricket bat.

Both Hal and Guy point out the other is using "dirty tricks" when they use their rings which makes me think of my most favorite book of all time ever: Sam and the Firefly. If you want to trace my love of anarchy and chaos but also friendship and justice down to one defining piece of media, it's that book by P.D. Eastman.

Am I fucking delusional?! Am I the only one who realizes all Hal Jordan does is solve problems with fist fights?!

The third chapter begins with Guy punching Hal in the face. But this time, no rings! It's all hand-to-hand, baby! Hal's advantage is his military training and experience with punching people in the face. Guy's advantage is teaching gym and physically manhandling juvenile delinquents. And also maybe his brain damage? My money would be on Guy except I know Hal wins and I don't want to lose my money. So, sorry, Guy! I can't support you in this fight! My mother didn't raise no loser! I'm not saying I'm not a loser. I'm saying my mother didn't really put much effort into raising me.

Hal's chastises himself for getting punched so quickly by Guy. He thinks, "That was stupid. He's kept himself younger than me." Um, what? How does a younger person "keep themselves younger" than you? Sometimes I truly forget how fucking stupid Hal Jordan is (which is weird because I often think, "Man, Hal Jordan is so stupid!").

Guy kicks Hal's ass for many, many pages. But then Hal stops fighting because he remembers that issue of Catwoman by Ann Nocenti where she explained what a rope-a-dope was. And even though she explained it entirely incorrectly, Hal manages to rope-a-dope Guy into wearing himself out so that Hal can land the final punch for the knock out. It's not a bad fight at all. It gives Guy some dignity. It shows he's a fighter with a strong will who can channel all the rage and anger that fuels him. But he's arrogant and he defeats himself. I'm just glad Gerard Jones didn't use this opportunity to just make Guy into yet another stupid punchline.

For Guy's part, he admits defeat and, in the end, he gives up his ring without a complaint. See? Dignity! Later, off-panel, he might go dropkick a stray dog into a dumpster. But for now, he handles the defeat like a man who made a challenge and lost. Also he might have a lead on a Qwardian power ring.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: A+. I didn't expect this issue to be much more than a big brawl showcasing how much better Hal is than Guy. But it wasn't that at all. Jones handled the conflict elegantly. Hal obviously knew they'd battle but tried to avoid it. Guy could have kept his position by simply refusing to hear Hal out and sending him on his way. He had no need to justify the challenge to the position on Earth. But Guy couldn't resist a chance to prove he's better than Hal. It was the only way to get these two to fight. And once the fight began, I thought for sure Hal would best Guy easily. It's how Guy's been written by so many other writers who just don't seem to like Guy at all. But Jones allowed Guy to control the fight. To have Hal realize Guy was winning, that Guy could win, that Guy was ultimately more powerful than Hal. And then Hal won due to Guy's arrogance. It might seem like a centuries old trope but it worked out well. Hal's experience gave him a slight upper hand in the conflict and he beat Guy. He also took Guy at his word and forced him to resign from the Corps. Which, once again, could have been a really humiliating moment for Guy. But Guy sucks it up, gives up the ring, and simply declares he'll be back one way or another. But best of all, even though everybody roots for Hal to win, Ice never wavers in her support for Guy. She's the fucking best, isn't she?!

Green Lantern #24 (May 1992)

This is exactly how they defeat Star Sapphire and her hair at the end of the issue!

Thankfully this is the last issue drawn by Pat Broderick. Not that I have anything negative to say about Pat but it's tough picking up an issue where the cover looks like this and my penis thinks, "We're in for some Keep on Truckin' adult fun, right?!" Then 20 pages later, my penis is all, "What the fuck? Nothing? Not even the hint of a nipple?" I'm convinced Pat Broderick's run of Green Lantern has given me ED. My penis refuses to react to actual stimulation now! It's all, "Oh, right. Is this mouth around me actually going to get me off or is it just another Hal Jordan story?"

My penis isn't smart.

Is this queerbaiting?

I don't think this image alone is queerbaiting although look how fucking sexy it is. But maybe if you add in how Hal refuses to commit to any women and/or exclusively dates women he knows he shouldn't, like his boss or his arch enemy or a 12 year old alien girl who pretends to be a woman and later gets retconned into actually being a woman because fucking gross man, and how Hal keeps trying to make the Green Lantern Corps exclusively male like his own version of a Spartan army or how John Stewart hasn't been interested in women since his wife and five billion aliens died. There's also that farming/mining woman who both Hal and John seem to be interested in. She's simply there as a hetero-go-between to shield the love they actually have for each other. Like that time I was at a club fucked up on shrooms with my pal Bobby and I realized I could dance with him if I had my cousin Jennifer standing backwards on my feet and I was manipulating her arms. I know, I know! I could have just danced with Bob! But I'd already spent about ten minutes in the bathroom staring at the wall and listening to the muted beats while standing at a urinal with my dick in my hands because the vibe was fucking awesome, so I think I was already being hate-watched by some angry heteros by that point.

Surprisingly, page 2 does not feature Hal Jordan sucking John Stewart's cock. Some might find that disappointing. But not me! I'm just glad the Star Sapphire's outer labia makes an appearance.

Is that the outer labia or just extra secret inner thigh?

I'd Google "outer labia" but Google is fucking broken now and also I don't want the first outer labia I see to be AI-generated. But now I'm curious! What if I Google "Rule 34 Outer Labia"? Well let me tell you: Is it strange that the first two image hits were of Mei from Overwatch? Is she known for having a chunky outer labia? Is that lore directly from the game?

Also based on my now extensive research, Star Sapphire has only exposed a hint of extra secret inner thigh meat. Look at me! I'm learning anatomy!

When Star Sapphire appears, she calls Hal and John "Lover Boys." And since she's never fucked John (and may have never fucked Hal for some reason. Hal hints at never having fucked her early in this issue and why would he lie to himself while narrating his own life? I mean why would he lie in that direction! If I were lying to myself, I would have fucked Star Sapphire so many times that the Arabs don't even have a number for it)), she must have seen what I saw: Hal wants to wear John like a winter muff. But Carol just wants to kill him.

How is Carol's sword slicing through the defense of the most powerful weapon in the universe? Did Carol piss on her sword before the battle?

If I ever got a gig writing a Star Sapphire story, one of my top notes would read, "Carol Ferris pisses on any weapon she's about to use against a Green Lantern." Of course for that to be successful, she'd have to be severely dehydrated. Which she probably is in this story being that she's been kept in a crystal box for months.

Some evidence to my piss theory: look at Carol's sword? It's bloody near the hilt because she sliced open Brik and AA with it. And how did she get through their defenses? Look at the tip of her sword. Covered in what looks like green liquid. But John's shield wouldn't turn into green liquid when cut. My guess is that's an error by the colorist. That liquid on Carol's sword should be yellow because it's piss.

The other five members of the Green Lantern Corps arrive to help (the 6th, Guy Gardner, wasn't notified). Star Sapphire knows she can't beat them all because she just doesn't have enough piss in her. So she threatens to cut John's throat if they attack her. How John lost so quickly and easily, I have no idea. No wait! I do have an idea and I already mentioned it: piss sword!

The Green Lanterns hesitate and wait for Hal's order: do they kill Star Sapphire or risk Star Sapphire killing John? Some people might think it's an easy decision based on tropes of good and evil and who the aggressor is in this situation. But Hal isn't some people. Hal thinks with his fists and his dick and his lack of giving a shit for John Stewart and his problems.

Was Larvox a porn star on his home planet?

Before Jordan can hesitate long enough for Star Sapphire to kill John Stewart and solve the problem for him, Flicker attacks. Yeah, Flicker's still being a little space bitch trying to start up a 20th century slave trade (in space).

Hal! Larvox is right there! Enough with the microaggressions to your one-eyed partners!

Hal Jordan defeats Flicker in just a few panels, probably because editorial was getting really nervous about his name appearing in easily-smeared ink on newsprint. He was such a threat for so long because he could teleport at will. But for some reason, he forgets to teleport this time and Hal Jordan flies right up to him and punches him in the face. It would be more believable if Hal used his stupid ring for once. No wonder so many fangenders fell in love with Kyle Rayner. Much more enjoyable to have an imaginative character who makes light constructs rather than a dimwitted brawler who just wants to hit shit.

While Hal captures Flicker, John blasts Star Sapphire and she flees. But according to the cover which mentions her death, she'll be back. I really doubt she's going to die though. Seems like bullshit.

Guy Gardner shows up because Hal Jordan needs all the Green Lanterns in the Corps so he can stop them all from killing Star Sapphire. That makes sense because Hal probably wants to teach them a lesson about not killing women or something.

Or the opposite!

After not being able to defeat Star Sapphire, the Green Lantern Corps defeat her in one page when Hal directs them to all link their willpower. They blast her with a green beam without her even raising her sword. I blame the anti-climactic moment to having too many antagonists whose stories need to wrapped up after a four or five story arc. I didn't even mention how Kreon's story wrapped up because I found that whole part of the story agonizingly boring. But now we get to the crux of the story! Will John Stewart lose his humanity by killing Star Sapphire. He hasn't lost it yet after killing four or five billion aliens when he arrogantly thought he could disarm the planet-sized bomb by himself and then discovered it was yellow. But they were just aliens and not a human woman. It's different somehow. I think even Superman sometimes kills aliens without giving a shit.

John decides not to kill Star Sapphire. But with Hal's help, they kill her together. But not her body because the body belongs to Carol Ferris. They just drive her out of Carol's mind so that Carol can return to her normal self in her normal clothing. At least that's what they think! I bet the final page of the comic book will be Star Sapphire in Carol's head laughing like a maniac.

Once back on Oa, Hal introduces the last two members of the new Green Lantern Corps: Tomar-Tu and Kreon the Bore. G'nort also shows up after finally locating Oa. Hal welcomes him as an official Green Lantern as well. Hopefully now that G'nort is on Oa, Kilowog will knock some discipline into him.

Next issue, Hal beats the shit out of Guy Gardner.

Green Lantern #24 Rating: B-. Hal and John have had the weight of the Star Sapphire thing hanging between them for an awful long time. And now it's over, just like that. Hal tells John to kill her but John can't. So that means they're all good, I guess? Why talk out your problems when you can just beat the shit out of a woman together and force her to become somebody new? Not like that's a surprise. Hal only knows one solution to any problem: hit it until it stops being a problem. Guy's going to find out all about that next issue as Hal Jordan figures out the best way to get his Earth job back. Guess what? It involves a lot of punching Guy Gardner in the face.

Green Lantern #23 (April 1992)

John knew how intense this fight was going to be so he rolled up his sleeves. But just a little bit.

I don't know why I focused so much on the artist's fuck up of John's costume (obviously giving John Hal's forearm covering white gloves but then making them John's skin tone (which is kind of orange here but that's a different complaint)) and not on why Star Sapphire has four tons of hair on her head. She looks like one of those idiotic supers who have "hair" as their superpower, like Godiva or Medusa. If my super power was "hair," I'd just keep it cut short and live like a normie.

John Stewart's wife was killed by Star Sapphire so you can imagine how badly John Stewart wants to kill Star Sapphire's husband. She doesn't have one though so killing Hal Jordan will have to do. Unless he decides to kill Star Sapphire which might be actual justice and not Biblical justice. Biblical justice is when something bad happens so somebody not directly involved in the injustice is punished. Like God destroying two whole cities because some hitchhikers wanted to fuck a stranger, or Noah cursing his son's children when it was his son who looked at his naked wiener, or when Levi and Simeon murdered all the men of Canaan, stole all their goods, and kidnapped the women and children because Shechem raped their sister Dinah. Or when Jesus was crucified by the Romans and Jewish leaders but then everybody for all time was punished by having to hear Christians go on and on and on about their stupid religion. Or, the most egregious injustice perpetrated by the Bible, masturbators being told they're sinning because God and Judah got mad at Onan for disobeying a contract to get his brother's wife pregnant but instead he pulled out and spunked all over the ground. How the fuck that got interpreted as "God hates masturbating" as opposed to "God hates people who break contracts with their fathers just to fuck their brother's hot wife" is the worst injustice of them all! I won't be labeled a sinner for a bunch of religious idiots and their poor comprehension of a Biblical story!

This bitch is 60% hair.

Obviously I used "bitch" in that caption as in "I'm so fucking jealous of the way this woman is serving cunt that I'm going to act like an envious little twat" and not in a misogynistic way at all!

Now that that's cleared up, let's see how John Stewart chooses to murder Star Sapphire. Or attempts to murder her, apparently. I just glanced at the cover of Issue #24 and the header reads, "The Death of Star Sapphire!" So maybe I should just skip this issue?

Damn! This chick is horny. No way I'm skipping this shit.

I would like to go back to high school (as the young person I was! Not as an old man!) and do it all over again now that I realize just how horny all the women around me had been. You think you're the only one whose loins are throbbing. Meanwhile, there's that meek shy girl you barely noticed sitting beside you frothing up her underwear because you've glanced at her three times.

When I first read this at 20, I was probably afraid of Star Sapphire. Now I think I'm in love with her.

Why is Hal so frightened by a strong woman who knows exactly what she wants in the space bedroom? Hal probably thinks men should always make the passes and control the fuck-purse strings. I don't know what a fuck-purse is but you know what? I'd probably fuck it.

Hal flees because he can't get Carol Ferris to stop pawing at his dick with her space sword. After that, the comic book changes scenes so we learn more about the boring space army that purchased Star Sapphire to do their fighting for them. While telling his story, he remembers how he tied Star Sapphire up and she was so turned on that she rubbed one out.

This comic book is so horny I feel that it's sexually harassing me at this point.

I'm just beginning to understand that people calling the violet band of the emotional spectrum "love" are just being polite. The actual emotion is obviously horniness. Is that an emotion?

I'm tempted to ask why Star Sapphire even cares about Hal Jordan specifically but that just leads me back to the basic philosophical question: why do any women care about men? We're disgusting assholes. And that's not even me trying to be feminist (because feminism isn't about hating men. Duh!). That's me having experienced "guys" my entire life! Women can't fully understand just how awful it is when men forgive something as "locker room talk." Because believe me. Locker room talk was foul and disgusting and caused me to get my thirteen-year-old man boobs grabbed from behind. Anybody who uses "locker room talk" as a justification for something a man says is a fucking monster who actually takes part in "locker room talk." The real translation of "locker room talk" is "being a hideously monstrous fuckbag who loves to torture anybody who seem as if they can't fight back." I only had my little boy titties grabbed once because I freaked the fuck out and turned into a tornado of arms and, um, titties. But that didn't mean I was all, "Ha ha! You guys are hilarious! What a great bunch of guys you are!" Later in high school, my friend Irene began dating one of the guys who grabbed at my little boy titties and I treated him like shit the one time she brought him around. I made sure he wasn't welcome in our group. And I explained to her exactly who that fuckbag was. She didn't date him for long.

Oh! What I was trying to say was this: Hal Jordan must really know how to serve dick if Star Sapphire is this into him.

Kreon refuses to use his army to fight the war with the Quahoogaloos. He will only continue the war if his two main chess pieces are Hal Jordan and Star Sapphire. Seems weird but then who am I to judge the mind of an alien who looks exactly like a human and speaks English and keeps women in boxes? Seems arrogant to try.

I'm no longer horny. She took the dirty talk a little too far.

Hal almost brings Carol Ferris out of Star Sapphire by blasting his ring point blank into her face. But she quickly comes to her senses and punches him in the jaw before wrapping her legs around him and choking him out.

I wish I were more experienced with women because I can't tell if they're fighting or fucking now.

Before Hal and Carol can finish whatever verb they're doing to each other, Kreon and Flicker both find them. Flicker tries to capture Star Sapphire but Kreon stops him. This causes them to have a little tiff and a falling out as business partners. It's not pretty. Flicker flounce teleports out of the ship after fucking up the pilot with his whip. Hopefully he's off to go bother Firestorm or Blue Devil where he belongs.

Brik, playing the part of new interested girlfriend to Hal, rescues him and spends a number of panels telling Hal what a fucking bitch Carol is and how she doesn't deserve Hal and how Hal needs to move on and how extremely good rock vagina tastes. She also mentions that she called the other Green Lanterns to come help deal with Star Sapphire.

I know I should make some crass joke about Hal's sudden concern for John's feelings about the murderer of his wife but all I can think is, "How did Pat Broderick makes Brik's rock tits look so soft?"

Why is everybody in this comic book so horny? I don't want to read about horny people written by Gerard Jones!

Hal realizes he needs to protect Star Sapphire from John. It's at the moment when Hal sees that he needs to fight John Stewart to protect the asshole he loves (because Star Sapphire is an asshole and also because her asshole is super sweet) that Hal Jordan realizes he's hired a bunch of weak jerks as Green Lantern. So he hires Boodika on the spot to kick some fucking ass. Brik gets super jealous. Who wouldn't when your name is "Brik" and her name is "Boodika." I know which one I'd flirt with at the party.

I'm kidding. I wouldn't flirt with any of them at a party. I'd probably be alone on the porch with the party host's cat on my lap.

Brik and AA finally pass out from being stabbed in the stomach by Star Sapphire many, many pages ago so when John arrives much faster than any of the other Green Lantern recruits, Hal realizes he's going to have to finally deal with the baggage from his past. That baggage being how his girlfriend killed his best bud's wife and which he decided nobody should ever talk about ever again. John probably didn't realize that was weird because John wound up having to feel super duper guilty about getting everybody on an entire planet killed. But who cares about that now? He's got a wife killer to kill! And Hal Jordan's dead body to step over to do it!

Green Lantern #23 Rating: A. Was this an A comic book? I don't know. I don't fucking care, really. But I really enjoyed how much violence Star Sapphire wanted to add to her fucking. That intrigued me. But only in a voyeuristic way! I don't want to get hurt while nutting! That sounds antithetical to the whole nutting thing. I really have to read these stupid comic books quicker if I'm to make any headway in the twenty or so short boxes of old comics I've been meaning to re-read before I die. Maybe I should write shorter reviews like when I read Marv Wolfman's The New Teen Titans! But then I sometimes think, "Those were so bad! I wish I'd written more while reading them! Just imagine how many of Marv Wolfman's feelings I could have hurt! Ha ha! I'm a monster!"

Green Lantern #22 (March 1992)

+5 Sword of Purple Polka Dots

I'm currently reading Robert E. Howard's original Conan short stories while also rewatching Game of Thrones so if you checked the Task Manager of my mind, my CPU would be running Dungeons & Dragons at 98%. I'm desperate to revisit my Zweihänder campaign reimagined as a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. It wouldn't so much be reimagined as be a continuation of the campaign just set further down the timeline of the "island" it took place on. Oh, I've also been rewatching the original '70s Land of the Lost and realizing how many parallels it has with Lost and subconsciously incorporating its themes into my Zweihänder campaign (which already has a few nods to Lost in it). After I rewatch Land of the Lost, I'm going to re-rewatch it and write about it. It's pretty fascinating for a kids show.

I've also been transferring my The New Teen Titans reviews from Tumblr to Blogger so that the current links I have for them don't direct to entirely different site that's far worse for these kinds of review posts. I've been changing and adapting them but posting them to the date they were originally written. So if you're interested in reading about how much I actually hated that series (but didn't realize how much I hated it at the time because I thought Marv Wolfman was simply writing the definitive version of Dick Grayson and that version was a whiny shit), you can find the links HERE. I've only done the first twenty but am looking to do ten at a time every other day or so. So keep checking back!

What I haven't been doing is reading comic books! I blame Hal Jordan and my lack of interest in his space cop adventures. Reality is already full of cops who act without thinking for me to give a shit about a fantastic one with the ultimate weapon of power and an subconscious hatred of women. Unless it's purely conscious. But I don't think it is. I'll at least give him the benefit of that doubt, what with him being such a great Western-style hero and all.

Was that last sentence sarcastic? It may have been. My sarcasm and cynicism meters are so broken from having lived fifty years in the United States of America that I can't tell anymore. Like, I do love westerns and the lone hero types who act as needed and risk their lives for others. But they're also mostly subconscious women haters when they're not overt women haters. Probably also racist. And would throw up at the thought of a fat, veiny dick going into another man's mouth. Mmm. That sounds like a candy bar commercial crying out to be made. Probably Snickers. Are Snickers still thick and veiny?

Currently the new recruit and potential new recruit Green Lanterns are chasing after Flicker and Space J. Jonah Jameson on Hal's orders. I think one of the new recruits is based on Tweety Bird.

AA would have made a terrible Nazi.

My observation of AA simply means he has the potential to be my friend. The first thing I ask myself when I meet somebody is, "Would this person make a good Nazi?" And if the answer is "no", I give them a chance. My second question is, "Would this person be a good citizen in Asimov's Foundation?" And if the answer is, "No, they're basically the Mule," then they become my best friend in the whole world. My third question is, "Do they believe Ayn Rand is a genius philosopher and writer?" And since I've already answered the first question about being a good Nazi, I probably don't have to even ask that one. Only people who would make a good Nazi think Ayn Rand was a genius.

Listen, brother. If you're read Anthem and you think it's a great work of genius and not a fucked up, illogical, misogynistic piece of shit where the main character acts like a deluded child and believes that everything they learned and gained they did by themselves, you might have the reading comprehension of a person who enjoys Ayn Rand. Sure that was a cyclical argument! But that's because it was meant as a major burn!

Awesome! The Green Lanterns, who have amazing willpower, will attempt to avoid masturbating for 22 pages!

That last caption was me assuming that everybody still has Seinfeld burned into their cultural memory. If you don't, forget about it. Just try to picture Hal Jordan trying not to masturbate. He could probably go for years with his great willpower. Maybe he has! Maybe that's why he acts like he's so pent up!

Wait a second. Isn't it canon that Batman doesn't do cunnilingus? Is it also DC canon that their characters don't jerk off?

I just noticed that the ship exiting subspace looks sort of like a boner.

The space battle Brik, Kworri, and AA find themselves at the edge of consists of the Quahooga and the Tebis. They're both clients of Space J. Jonah Jameson because he doesn't have any ideals except making money. Not that "making money" is an ideal. But some people think it is. Some people think "making money" gives purpose and meaning to their lives. Some people think "making money" itself is a moral good and a peak philosophy. But then, some people are simply assholes.

Kreon, the commander of the Tebis army, seems upset with the prospect of Space Mercenary LinkedIn selling slaves to both sides of a battle. But Flicker is all, "If it were up to me, I would only sell to you! Invest in my business, Better Space Mercenary LinkedIn, and I will only sell to you!" For some reason, Kreon likes the sound of this business model. He was just saying, before Flicker appeared, how Flicker lacks any ethics and now he takes him at his word that his headhunting business won't practice the same unethical tactics as Space J. Jonah Jameson's business? Kreon may be a genius at waging space wars but he's an idiot in the business room.

Remember how I wrote that Gerard Jones was going to be throwing down some really great satire about business and capitalism? This is a good example! Flicker is just a shitty venture capitalist trying to get some idiot to invest in a company that already exists by pointing out how his company, which is totally different (but isn't! Just wanted to clarify that! It's part of the satire!), will break the status quo of temp agency slave traders. It's pretty spot on!

Seven pages in and Hal Jordan has yet to jerk it. He's going to win for sure.

For some reason, I've inextricably linked masturbation and the Green Lantern Corps. For another reason (my terrible memory), I can't remember exactly how. I think it had something to do with Krona observing a hand jerking off to create the universe. But then the hand turned out to be the Anti-monitor's hand and it was trying to destroy the universe so the Green Lantern Corps was created to stop all masturbation (which is why it is based on willpower), being that it was both an act of creation and an act of destruction. But then in The New 52, Krona observed the jerk off hand had a Green Lantern ring on it and he was all, "Oh no! Green Lantern's are masturbating!" But then it turned out the hand was Volthoom's hand and he really, really wanted to stop all masturbation so he invented a new corps, The Third Army, that not only had great willpower but also no genitalia to fiddle with. At this point, the Green Lantern Corps learned that masturbation was needed to save the universe from Volthoom and his anti-masturbation army. Guy Gardner was the perfect Green Lantern for this battle because he jerks it all the time and all over the place and, most of all, all over Ice's face and body and butthole.

Here's Guy Gardner trying to keep the Third Army from stealing all of the Green Lantern's cocks so the GLC stop masturbating.


And here's a picture of Guy Gardner losing The Contest during this issue.

Fucking a motorcycle is technically masturbation, so don't come at me with all the motorcyclephile shit in the comments.

AA continues to prove how totally not a Nazi he is.

It's really getting on Hal's nerves.

At heart, all Space Cops are authoritarians. So Hal really would rather have a good Nazi as a new member than some ethically minded jerk who questions every fucking order. Get out of here with that nonsense, AA! You're going to get somebody killed! And by "somebody," I mean a space cop. Obviously you're trying to get non-space cops not killed which is entirely the wrong way to think if you're a space cop. You don't want to wind up with a green bullet hole in your back during the next space battle, do you?!

While Hal Jordan uses Corps resources to help him track down his ex-lover whom he wants to make his ex-ex-lover, Flicker whips the head off of Space J. Jonah Jameson.

You don't expect this level of violence and gore from a guy in a ruffled collar.

Brik questions why she should help Hal find Star Sapphire when it just means she's helping Hal find somebody else to love. She also realizes every new recruit they find means Hal will be headed back to Earth and away from her. Why is nobody looking at the big picture anymore?! They're all consumed with their own feelings. Except for AA! He's the only one concerned about space justice. What the fuck is has this comic become? Space Degrassi Junior High?!

Kworri discovers Star Sapphire's location by destroying a Teban space ship and "questioning" a few of the surviving crew. Hal praises him for his good detective work of murder and destruction because I guess Hal thinks the ends justifies the means, especially when the ends are "find the vagina I love to put my penis in." When Hal learns that Star Sapphire is kept imprisoned in crystal on Commander Kreon's ship, he rushes off halfcocked (ha ha! That's a chubby dick joke!) to find her, leaving the new recruits to float around thinking, "Is this standard Green Lantern Corps tactics?!"

Oh shit. I just learned that AA is female! Whoops. How was I supposed to know?! She presents as a boring rock creature. That read male to me! Maybe I should have realized that her logical, well-thought out arguments for justice and peace were way more feminine than everybody else's "let's fuck shit up" ideology. At first I thought AA's need to question every order was the reason she wouldn't be picked as the new recruit. But now that I've found out she's female, Hal's got an even better reason not to pick her. Although I think Hal will realize by the end of this story arc that he needs somebody who questions more than somebody who follows every order. Plus AA and her willingness to question will be the reason they recover Star Sapphire (spoiler!).

Hal Jordan finds Star Sapphire but only then realizes he's fallen into Flicker's trap! Flicker threatens to kill Star Sapphire if Hal doesn't do as he says and Hal is all, "Okay! Okay! You've got me! I'll put down the ring slowly if you let her go!" Kworri and Brik are all, "Okay, yeah! That seems reasonable! Let's surrender and give Flicker everything he wants just so he doesn't harm Hal's evil ex!"

Thankfully AA continues to have John Stuart Mill at the front of her mind.

AA throws a space urn at Flicker's head with the use of her ring while Hal screams, "No!" But Hal is wrong and realizes he's wrong when the urn causes Flicker to miss with his laser. Hal takes Flicker down while Brik blasts Flicker's whip, leaving him impotent.

As an owner of a penis, this panel makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Flicker manages to teleport away because the Green Lanterns apparently have no ability to stop somebody from doing that. It's disappointing but capturing Flicker wasn't Hal's main goal anyway. They now have Star Sapphire and that's all Hal really care about anyway. It's time to flee!

Once away from the space battle, Kworri demands Hal choose the new recruit. And of course he chooses AA. He explains he knew from the beginning she was the right choice. But I think he really only chose her because she helped save Star Sapphire while Kworri just agreed with everything Hal said. Brik appreciates Hal's explanation that somebody who questions his leadership often helps more than somebody who follows orders and resolves to try to use her own judgment too. But she's totally in love with Hal so I don't see that happening too often. Star Sapphire agrees with me after she wakes up and decides it's time to kill Hal and his new girlfriend.

I would scan another picture of Star Sapphire attacking Hal on the final page but I think the cover had that covered already.

Green Lantern #22 Rating: B+. AA really is a standout character within the new Green Lantern Corps. Although more so than the others? I don't know. Gerard Jones has done a really fantastic job of building up these new recruits from one or two crumbs of characters to make them individuals who stand out within the group structure. Even Kworri would make a good new recruit when they eventually need even more Green Lantern Corps cannon fodder. Sometimes the old Corps just felt like a bunch of weird creatures and a handful of good looking alien females whom Hal could fuck. Gerard Johns has taken the concept of aliens in an army and worked it from a much deeper and less superficial place. Sure, their looks often tie in to their personalities but it's those personalities which really make them stand out. I can't wait for a story where the new mushroom Green Lantern farts cosmic consciousness during a lunch on Oa and everybody starts tripping balls, only to eventually become much more sensitive and empathetic beings!