Justice League Europe #24 (March 1991)

Justice League Europe found the clitoris!

It's been quite a few months since the Justice League has done anything to save the world (not since The Extremists, I guess. At least in that story arc, they really did save the entire world for once!) so I was getting ready to applaud their efforts to save it once more. But then I remembered that this gigantic worm is simply destroying global corporations that haven't opted into the cult made up of different global organizations. The only people threatened by this monstrous worm are billionaires whose factories are being destroyed by it. I suppose the janitors and overnight security of those factories are also threatened but I don't blame the worm for their deaths. I blame the unions who didn't get a good enough contract to keep the night staff safe from this kind of thing. They live in a comic book universe; they should be prepared for anything! I'm assuming the late staff of Stagg's factory have been killed. Maybe they did have a great union that installed alarms in case of a Tremors-style emergency! It's probable all the laborers escaped unharmed and only Stagg's pocket book was hurt by this attack. If that's the case, I rescind the near applause I almost gave the Justice League! What's really happening is they're being manipulated into helping Stagg Industries not lose money. I say let the Corporate Cult of the Worm do their thing!

I'll admit it's possible that allowing a corporate cult to continue to control a sand worm that destroys anything in its path might not be the best thing for the world. But sometimes it's just fun watching people you can't stand destroy each other! But then that's what makes me a bitter asshole and the Justice League heroes, I guess.

Correction: that's what makes me and Metamorpho bitter assholes and the rest of the Justice League heroes.

The worm disappears back into its hole and the Justice League dive in to, um, beat it up, I guess? One thing revealed in these first few pages is that half the Justice League are terrified by worms. Probably something Freudian in that (in both a penis and a fatherly way (being that the penis is an extension of the father figure)).

Back at the spooky cult ritual, Vivian D'Aramis (1 of the 2 Crimson Foxes) awakens from being drugged to find herself in the clutches of the man who killed her mother and her guardian. It's also the man whose business she now runs (better than he did, I should add. I mean, she never had to summon giant worms to destroy the competition). He's all, "I wish I could have killed your sister too but she died in some other mysterious way that I won't think too much about!" Ha ha! That's dramatic irony because the readers know her sister still lives and is The Crimson Fox and will be beating his ass in just a few pages!

Oh? Have I mentioned that the giant phallic worm cult only allows men into their little club? That might be important later! Or maybe it was important earlier and would have made everybody seeing the humongous worm being used as a weapon to defeat rivals think, "Oh, yeah. I get it. It's a huge power slash rape fantasy thing, isn't it?"

This is probably Freudian too.

One of the cult members objects to the leader killing Vivian as she's carted off to be sacrificed. But the leader says, "It's too late to be concerned about killing, you idiot! Do you think those factories destroyed by the worms were deserted?! You fool!" Oh no! I'm sorry that, once again, my early assumptions were right on the money and the late night staff did not have the best union representation! Hopefully they call on a strike to demand less deaths by giant worms during overnight hours.

The Justice League realize the worm they're chasing wasn't big enough to have destroyed Stagg's factory on its own just about when they wind up in massive tunnels and are attacked by an even larger worm. The entire situation causes them a brief existential crisis, allowing them a moment of racist philosophy.

What the fuck does he mean by "especially in the West"?!

Is that Rocket Red making that comment? I guess that's less racist philosophy and more "dealing with the propaganda he grew up with." Dmitri is all, "I can believe there being Gigantic Worms living throughout Russia and Asia because our infrastructure is so terrible and our propaganda so overwhelming that anything destroyed by these monstrous creatures would be reported as anything else by the state media! And any eyewitnesses would wind up in a Siberian gaol or laughed at as some superstitious old country buffoon! But in the West?! The most civilized place in the known world which gave us all Levis and The Beatles?! How could such abominations have gone unnoticed?!" So maybe it's not a racist statement but more of state-caused cultural ignorance that would cause Dmitri to say this. He sees the West with Communist rose tinted glasses! He has yet to realize that "the West" is just as fucked up as every place else on Earth, just in different ways. In the West, gigantic factory destroying worms are kept secret by billion-dollar corporations rather than by the government!

The entire Justice League cannot defeat a worm because even though worms have the thinnest and most easily punctured skin, apparently when they grow to a million times their original size, their hide gets super duper tough. But then Rex, remembering how all giants are defeated by being eaten by them and exploding out of them, decides to be eaten by it. Except he gets shat out so quickly that he doesn't have time to explode out from the inside.

Metamorpho must have become antimony.

Captain Atom, realizing what Rex should have done, flies inside the worm and explodes out of it. You'd think giant creatures would learn not to swallow tiny creatures whole. It should be the first thing you learn as a giant. Posters should be hung in every giant cafeteria. "Beware eating live food. Your only weakness is your tum-tum."

While the Corporate Cult prepares to sacrifice Vivian and the Justice League play inside the guts of a giant worm, Catherine gets a mysterious visitor while she's hanging out at the London Embassy wearing an ill-fitting leotard.

Ill-fitting or just another comic book artist that can't actually draw clothes so leaves it to the colorist to paint them on?

The person at the door is looking for Kilowog. But Gerard Jones, being one of those writers who believes not revealing secrets is more enticing than revealing a secret so that the reader wonders what will come of that revelation, doesn't reveal who it is. I'm not surprised because most mediocre comic book writers believe telling less is more exciting. But they're stupid because that's not true at all. I didn't buy Justice League Europe #25 just to find out who came to the door during this scene. I probably promptly forgot about it. But if Jones had revealed who it was, I probably would have thought about it at least a few times before picking up Issue #25, wondering why that specific person had come to see Kilowog. Anyway, it's probably Doctor Magnus.

After exploding the worm from the inside, Captain Atom makes a "Diet of Worms" joke and I'm baffled how that made it past editorial. Not because there's anything controversial about it but because how many kids reading this would even have understood it?! Okay, okay! Fine! I can psychically hear all of you smarties jumping down my throat like Metamorpho did to that worm! "I knew what that was at twelve!" "I've always fucking known what that was!" "You'd have to be an idiot to not have heard about the Diet of Worms!" "What kind of a moron are you?" "I fucking hate you!" "You're an idiot who doesn't know shit about comic books!" "Deathstroke isn't a pedophile, you leftist dumbass!" "I wish I'd never given birth to you!"

Enough! I get it! I suck!

The Cult hangs Vivian to the front of her factory and gets ready to summon another giant worm with their massive tuning fork. The Justice League, who have just wandered into the nest of dozens of the giant worms, have just enough time to ask Silver Sorceress if she can finally get around to maybe casting a spell that will shrink the worms or teleport them into space or, you know, any-fucking-thing being that she knows MAGIC before the massive worms are awoken by the tuning fork. The worms dig up through the earth and the Justice League follow them to Vivian's factory. They could barely kill one worm and now they have to take care of dozens of them before the worms kill Vivian? And is nobody concerned about what all of these huge tunnels are going to do to the landscape of the United Kingdom?! It's going to be villages and shires disappearing into sinkholes on a weekly basis for the next fifty years!

Justice League Europe #24 Rating: C. They're fighting worms. Massive worms. The only intelligent moment in this entire comic book was when Rocket Red asked how this has gone unnoticed (except for the "especially in the West" part which, even though I worked it through, still rubs me the wrong way). I guess nobody noticed because the worms have been dormant for untold eons. Who has the power to understand the life cycle of a gigantic worm?! But this cult seems to have existed for quite awhile and nobody noticed their destruction until they destroyed one of Simon Stagg's factories? Seems unlikely! My guess is that usually the worms poop out a mist that makes people forget what happened and everybody just assumes the factories were destroyed in fires. But the worm that destroyed Stagg's factory was constipated which allowed everybody to finally see what was going on!

Oh man! Now I'm doing it! I'm writing excuses to support badly written comic book stories! I might as well be a regular letter writer! I fucking hate when fans have to resort to their imaginative speculation to plaster over the plot holes of lazy monthly writers! And now I'm doing it! Ugh. All those voices I heard earlier were right. I do suck.

Justice League America #48 (March 1991)

This should probably be "der Überbot."

I don't know German and my research skills are shit but the German word for robot uses the masculine form of "the" so my guess is that the word "Überbot" which basically means "Aryan Robot" (fuck you, I know what it really means which is why I added "basically means," you fun vampire) would be a masculine noun. I could ask the Non-Certified Spouse who is basically fluent in German but she's sleeping because I always wind up reading comic books before the sun comes up. Also, the Überbot looks like Hitler so it should be masculine (yes, I know masculine and feminine nouns don't actually have anything to do with real gender, you constantly interrupting fun vampire).

I'd accept that you could probably use Über to mean "super" in benign situations that don't evoke anything German. But if you call something German "Über" than I'm going to have to assume you're a Nazi and your version of "Über" translates to "Aryan" which probably 100% translates to "white supremacist."

Out of all the words people on the Internet get angry at people on the Internet for using, I only really have a complaint with one of them: "kitler." Man, I love a cute little kitler!

This issue begins with the old German man who hates General Glory trekking through a South American rainforest (is the Amazon the only one down there? If so, he's in the Amazon! But while I often don't mind making huge and ignorant assumptions, I didn't want to assume this time!). The comic book says "South American jungle" but is that really the same thing? I don't think it is and I think the image of the old man running practically unimpeded along the forest floor indicates that he's in a rainforest and not a jungle!

Look, if I get anything wrong, just leave it, okay? You should know the main thing about me is that I never really know what I'm talking about but I'm still super smart somehow.

The old man is searching for a secret Nazi base that he hasn't been to in, at most, 24 years.

The security rock must have been installed sometime after 1967 when the term PIN (Personal Identification Number) began to be used after the invention of ATMs (Ass-to-Mouths).

Deep beneath the floor of the rainforest, the old man enters an old folks home for Nazis. Swastikas are everywhere so I can't scan any of the pictures lest I make tumblr cry. Although the Hitler robot on the front cover probably already made them faint.

Schmidt, the old man who hates General Glory, wants the old Nazis to activate "Weapon H" (which must be the Hitler bot) and take over the world. For some reason, he decided now that General Glory was back would be the best time for this plan. But wouldn't the best time for this plan been when General Glory was nowhere to be found?! Schmidt feels like having their old enemy back in the public eye will rally all of the Nazis together again. But what he doesn't plan on is that all the old Nazis are old and just want to enjoy their prune breakfasts in the safety of their jungle hideout where they don't have to worry about being found guilty of war crimes. What Schmidt also doesn't realize is that the GOP has been really building the framework for a new Nazi takeover for the last eleven years (his time! Because of Reagan and his cohorts!). Yes, yes, by all means: defend Reagan in the comments! Any defense of Reagan just proves you live in an alternate reality that refuses to accept true things.

The old Nazis, being comfortable in their secret hideaway, tell Schmidt he can activate Weapon H if he wants but to leave them out of it. That doesn't seem like a good plan. A good plan, if they don't want their secret lair discovered, would be to put a pullet in Schmidt's head and toss his corpse out into the jungle.

While Schmidt travels to South America to plan his new Third Reich (so, um, a Fourth Reich?), the United States Government gets wind of the return of General Glory and freaks the fuck out. I don't know why. I guess because they realize super-duper patriotism could cause a lot of fucking trouble?

Oh how naïve we were in 1991 to think this might actually be "The Last Giant Nazi Robot Story"!

This is off the record but Weapon H is kind of adorable. Can something I write and post on the Internet be "off the record"? Well, I'm making it possible right now through sheer force of will!

Imagine if Weapon H had been released as a Shogun Warrior? I mean, they had the Godzilla Shogun Warrior! Why not Nazi Robot Adolf Hitler?! Now imagine being the kid who got Weapon H Shogun Warrior for Christmas! I'm still always proud when I see Gaiking anywhere on the Internet. It would suck to have to be ashamed of the awesome robot toy you had as a kid!

Weapon H appears in Berlin so Justice League Europe gets the call first. But Sue Dibny, stuck on monitor duty, is all, "All of our members are currently busy. You'll have to call Justice League America to stop the Hitler robot." What the fuck are Justice League Europe so busy with?! The Tremor worms? Pretty sure only like four or five of them were dealing with that. Elongated Man and Metamorpho could probably help out with Hitlerbot.

Why is Sue delivering this mundane information so dramatically?!

I think Sue's original dialogue for that panel was, "He just won't fucking stop stretching his neck and wriggling his nose! It never fucking ends! Help me, Catherine! Send him on a suicide mission! Anything! I can't be banged that monstrosity anymore!"

Back at the JLA's New York Embassy, General Glory continues to have to prove to Martian Manhunter that he's a real person and not just a comic book character. To do so, he has Martian Manhunter read his origin story in a comic book.

The comic book also gives us the origin of Guy Gardner's stupid haircut. Which is just a really genius thing to include. Good job, Giffen and DeMatteis.

The comic book was a way for General Glory to remain top secret. It made any eyewitness accounts of General Glory seem laughable. And so everybody believed he was fictional for decades. Except Guy Gardner, of course. But I'm not sure Guy can distinguish between fiction and reality anyway.

General Glory recounts the last mission he remembers going on when asked about what happened to his sidekick. But his sidekick isn't even in the story so I'm not sure how it's applicable! Anyway, he was frozen in ice like some other super hero you may have heard of and the next thing he knew, he was just his normal civilian self again. And he grew old barely remembering any of his past until recently. Martian Manhunter suggests probing his mind to find out more information but at just that moment, Weapon H attacks!

And is destroyed in three pages. Martian Manhunter tears its arm off and Green Lantern crushes it in one blow. And that's the end of the huge Nazi robot threat! But it's not the end of the comic book because the feds have to show up to arrest General Glory. I bet it's because appearing in public means he's leaking top secret information!

Justice League America #48 Rating: B+. I might have given this issue an A but the art across the last few pages was incredibly amateurish. I think it was "way late and almost past the deadline no time for the inker to do a pass over the art" draft. It felt like the artist was drawing the comic book the way I review comic books. Put a lot of effort into the first two-thirds and then just summed up the last third in one paragraph. Exactly like I did here! But I only did it this time so I could compare my review style to the art in this issue. Normally I just do it out of laziness and growing boredom.

Justice League Europe #23 (February 1991)

Is The Crimson Fox a color blind woman who also isn't quite sure what a fox looks like?

As far as I can tell, The Crimson Fox is the Bruce Wayne of the publishing world. She's rich and bored so she's become a super hero in her spare time. I don't think she has any super powers but that hasn't stopped her because "meritocracy" for rich people doesn't have anything to do with talent. Most people might interpret "merit" as "somebody who has the abilities and talent and powers to effectively act as a super hero." But rich people interpret "merit" as "somebody who has enough money to quash the dreams and ambitions of poor people who actually do have talent while also lifting themselves into a position of super power by hiring scientists and engineers to create loads and loads of super gadgets to help them become successful heroes." Sometimes they're smart enough to create all the gadgets themselves because that's the only way to really justify the person's identity as a super hero. "Batman's money isn't what makes him Batman!" is something some boring person defending Batman might say to try to convince themselves that Batman isn't just a rich bastard living out his personal revenge fantasies. The Crimson Fox might have super powers but I think she really just has super long and sharp nails which she uses to tear the faces off of petty criminals and Parisian vandals.

Of course that's all just cynical speculation on my part! I suppose I'll find out who The Crimson Fox actually is by reading this issue. Hopefully her back story, being written by a pedophile, doesn't include any pedophilia.

Every time I call Deathstork a pedophile, some huge Deathstork fan comes at me to defend him. But no one has yet to defend Gerard Jones! I guess that's because he isn't a cool hired killer with an eye patch who also just happens to enjoy fucking fifteen year old girls. And, I suppose, if I'm being generous, defending a fictional pedophile because you can blame his pedophilia on terrible writing by Marv Wolfman is a bit more acceptable than defending an actual distributor of images and videos of child sexual abuse. I suppose.

Hey! Look at Catherine's hair! Bart Sears is back on duty!

I already saw Bart's name on the cover so I didn't really need to see Catherine's hair to know he was doing the art this issue. But I'd also like to point out that I didn't need to see his name on the cover to know he was back on art duties this month because I saw Catherine's hair.

After I learn that Bart Sears is on art (or re-learn? (or pretend to learn I re-learned?)), Crimson Fox threatens to choke out Captain Atom while fucking him raw. Right in front of Catherine who also wants to do that! I would say we were about to get a threesome but the League isn't in Paris anymore. Stupid fuddy duddy London where nobody shags at all ever.

I'm torn between my feminist brain loving a woman who just wants to fuck and my other feminist brain that recognizes this as a sexual fantasy fueled by the male gaze.

Maybe Crimson Fox's super power is jerking a guy off without slicing his dick to ribbons with her claws? Or maybe slicing the dick to ribbons is the super power? What I'm trying to say is the whole male gaze fantasy thing worked on me and I can't stop thinking about Crimson Fox jerking off Captain Atom.

Crimson Fox runs off into the night hornier than ever thinking in translated French when she reveals that she does have a super-power and she's ethically fine using it in much the way Maxwell Lord does.

This is creepy and rapey for a normal comic book writer. This is nearly unendurable from a writer convicted of possessing and distributing images of child sexual abuse.

Isn't it interesting how the first thing comic book writers think a person would use the super power of suggestion for is to coerce a person into fucking them? A certain subsection of men seem to think "consent" means "getting a person to fuck you by any means at your disposal." Fuck, what am I even doing?! I'm going to start ranting about how Gerard Jones doesn't understand consent?! Of course he fucking doesn't! He was convicted of sex crimes!

I don't remember Crimson Fox having Max Lord super powers but then again I don't remember most of my teenage years so I'm not at all surprised. I mean I am surprised because I just found out something surprising about Crimson Fox which I should have remembered but not surprised that I didn't remember so that I could wind up being surprised by a comic book that I'm almost certainly re-reading for the fifth time, at least.

Speaking of surprises, I just re-learned (probably for the sixth time) that Crimson Fox is actually two people! Sacré bleu! Now don't blame me for my immediate thought after learning this fact! You have to realize the context of the thought: I grew up in the '70s, Internet pornography has ruined our brains, and I'm a cis het male! So, yeah, I was hoping to see them kiss.

But all I want to see is you putting your twin sister in awkward positions!

Having been born in 1971, yes, I owned quite a few pornographic magazines. Not a single one was purchased because, in those days, porn was like wild berries. You had to scavenge every bush in the city until you found a succulent stash which you'd harvest and take to a new bush to plant them. Or, if you had a good place to hide things from your parents, you could take them home. Most of the pornography I owned was Playboys stolen from my grandfather. He had a garage, a Ham radio workroom, and an unfinished cellar just filled with a treasure trove of miscellaneous shit. It was the greatest place to grow up as a kid and not just because some of those treasures happened to be pornographic magazines. I think my favorite thing he had squirreled away (even better than the porn) were loads and loads of billiard balls. It was so satisfying to play with billiard balls outside of their usual felt home. Nearly nothing more satisfying than the sound of a billiard ball clicking off of anything it clicked off of (usually it's just each other but when you're a young kid with loads of Star Wars figures just waiting to be Indiana Jones'd by a dozen multi-colored boulders, the clicks came from concrete, brick, wooden stairs, action figures, Batmobiles . . . anything I could smash them into).

Anyway, I mention the porn because I'd like to point out that I'm being entirely facetious when I say I want to see twin sisters make out. One of the Playboys I, um, "owned" had a spread of twin sisters naked together and it was the most awkward photo shoot I could imagine. I mean, not awkward enough to not jerk off over. But definitely not sexy like some people seem to think it is. It was mostly a lot of "fap fap fap ugh that's your sister's boobs your boobs are touching fap fap fap oh no they can see each others butts fap fap fap am I crying?!"

I also "owned" a copy of the Penthouse with Traci Lords who was apparently underage at the time of the photo shoot. My cousin Troy stole it from his brother Bill while I was out visiting for a week. I then stole it from Troy who blamed his friend who was also out visiting that week. I was also underage so I don't think it counts the same as Gerard Jones's "porn". Plus I got rid of it long before I learned the truth. But now I'm 50 and I still remember some of the pictures so that's kind of creepy. How dare time do that to me?! Of course, I also have visual memories of a lot of other wild stuff while being a kid experimenting with nudity with other kids! Time makes creeps of us all! At least I didn't have sex until I was the legal age of consent (as was my partner which is the important bit!) so my memories of my first time aren't illegal to jerk off to! This also applies to all of my subsequent sexual partners, just as an FYI! Even the one who technically raped me!

Shit this comic book review has wandered too far into my sexual weeds. Just forget everything you just read and let's get back to Crimson Fox finger banging the other Crimson Fox with her deadly nails.

Meanwhile, some American guy has joined a British tuning fork cult.

Why was the 1990s DC Universe having so much trouble with guys with tuning forks?

The cult rings the tuning fork to call hate down on their enemies. No monster falls from the sky so it's probably some kind of mystical spell that curses the enemies of the cult. Unless the monster will appear next issue, right after Crimson Fox, as Vivian D'Aramis, CEO of a perfume and publishing empire, becomes one of their members. Or one of their victims? Because I think the guy running the cult is the guy who ran perfume experiments which killed Vivian and her sister Constance's mother and also gave the twin girls the super power of sexual allure (or, if you want to be scientific and technological about it so that it sounds like something that could be possible, pheromones).

Based on Crimson Fox's origin story where her mother was a victim of a poorly run research program by the head of a perfume company, she's nothing like Batman! Her mother wasn't killed quickly in an alley by a poor person giving a little rich kid an excuse to spend his life beating up on poor people desperate enough to turn to crime. Her mother died slowly at the hands of a rich person who didn't care that his perfume experiments were deadly giving her an excuse to hunt down and murder corporate presidents! That's like almost the opposite!

Oh, there's the monster!

The gigantic tuning fork calls up a gigantic nightcrawler to eat and shit out the Stagg Industries factory in London. The cult, being made up of wealthy businessman from all over the world, use their magic worm summoning fork to destroy the businesses of all the wealthy businessmen who have not been invited to join their cult. It's a terrific business model and possibly the only one I find ethical. I mean, if you have the power to summon a monstrous worm that devours businesses who don't give a shit about fucking the world and then the worm shits out some nice healthy soil after eating the factory, who can complain?! Plus it ate Simon Stagg's factory so it must be a good guy.

Justice League Europe #23 Rating: B. It was a little bit boring and drawn by Bart Sears while also being written by a convicted sex offender. Hmm, when I write it like that, I think maybe I graded it too high. But it did have that terrific surprise where we found out Crimson Fox was two sexy women instead of just one sexy woman! But then we also learned that she's tempted to use her powers of sexuality to force other people to have sex with her. But it also had a sexy French woman constantly thinking about banging Captain Atom! So I think all the pros and cons even out to the grade I gave it. Whatever that was. I already forgot.

Justice League America #47 (February 1991)

Fingers crossed General Glory gets a deal with Whole Foods to sell General Glory Whole Foods' Frozen Meals.

It's weird that I have vague memories of disliking this story arc because General Glory was a totally made-up hero who didn't actually exist. You see the problem with that logic, right? But when I was a young, ignorant comic book fan who thought canon and continuity were the be-all and end-all of comic book stories, you can sort of see how having a hero come out of nowhere and use up five months worth of Justice League stories all to himself could be anything but a traumatic event. Five fucking months of my life?! At 18, that was nearly 5% of it if I'm doing the math correctly (and by correctly, I mean guesstimating and making shit up). Who wants to read about this old fart for that long?! There's a reason I was buying Justice League and not Justice Society, DC! It's the same reason I would buy The Outsiders and laugh at my friend Sal who kept collecting old issues of The All-Star Squadron! I mean, sure, those were the young guys at the time those comics were published! But they were old fart comic books by the time Sal was collecting them! No wonder he became a Trump lover!

Yeah, you heard me! I just brought politics into this! I like to make it clear how much I despise the conservative view so that conservatives feel really uncomfortable reading the rest of the review. Or do they simply stop reading when they realize I just used "Trump lover" to mean "an old friend who became a gigantic fucking idiot"?! I don't know! I also don't care! Whee!

I'd just like to clarify that I fucking hate the idea of "canon" now. It's so fucking limiting. Who cares if Blue Beetle is circumcised "in canon"?! If a story needs him to be circumcised one month and not circumcised the next month, who fucking cares?! The discussion of what is and isn't canon is the most irritating thing about young people on tumblr! And they're irritating in so many other ways! Yeah, I said it! Who's the old guy now?! That's right! Me!

Oh, I can't stay mad at you, young people of tumblr! Except that one tumblr user who used to constantly chastise me for using "Superboy" tags in my Superboy comic book reviews because I was "using tumblr wrong" and the tag was for roleplay only! Fucking idiot! What's wrong with young people thinking there are correct ways to use certain sites?! The great thing about the Internet is that it is supposed to be a lawless frontier! But now if I'm on tumblr, I'm supposed to drive off celebrities. Or if I'm on Twitter, I have to be a right-wing troll who loves that dumb-dumb Elon Musk. Or, apparently, if I'm on Spoutible, I have to be a boring old leftist oldie. Oh, wait! I am that! Good work, me!

I was playing around one day pushing the edgelord limits of Spoutible and I finally hit the mark with this Twee...uh, Spout: "My local pet store is having a sweet deal. If you can kick a guinea pig over the roof, you get it for free." As if that wasn't obviously facetious hyperbole. Who'd even want a free guinea pig?!

This issue begins by wasting several pages re-introducing Mister Miracle to the pages of the comic book as he performs a stunt in Washington Square Park for a crowd that simply despises everything. The entire scene is only saved by one bit:

Ice being absolutely adorable.

This is the problem with appeasing canon and continuity! Far too much time has been spent in this series on replacing Scott with a robot because Scott was going on an interstellar tour in his own comic book. Then he came back so he could be back in the League but, due to his own comic book, he refused so he could spend more time with Barda. And now, just an issue or two after Oberon was all, "I'm out of here," the idiots are back! I never even read the monthly Mister Miracle comic book so all of this shit was wasted space as far as I was concerned. Either let him stay in the League and just fucking ignore what was happening in his comic book or kick him out immediately! I don't have time for this shit! I don't have time for any shit! I'm old, remember?!

Six pages later, Beetle, Fire, and Ice discover that Scott isn't even in the safe. It's some other guy in the Mister Miracle costume. Did Scott Free tool around with training a new Mister Miracle in his comic book? You know what? I don't care. I never bought it and I don't want to know. Although I'm angry that six pages of my Justice League comic book were taken up by this noob!

Back at the JLA Embassy, Guy Gardner is absolutely fan-boying his jeans over General Glory.

On one hand, I'm sad I haven't fan-boyed my jeans in decades. On the other, it's pretty gross and uncomfortable.

Martian Manhunter doesn't believe in comic book characters until Guy Gardner begins apologizing to the General for his language and temper. Is General Glory the only person in the DC Universe whom Guy Gardner respects?! Other than maybe Kilowog?

Mister Miracle arrives to make sure nobody beats up his protégé (whom I'm vaguely beginning to remember after seeing that hair on his head) just before Max Lord comes back from his trip to find everybody freaking out about General Glory, Mister Miracle, and . . . well, that's it, actually. The conflict about Mister Miracle not being Scott and General Glory being a comic book character goes on for so many pages, I actually thought maybe a ton of shit was happening all at once. I guess that's what Giffen and DeMatteis were going for: complete and utter chaos. But when you get right down to the bottom of it, there's really no need for the chaos. It's so contrived to make it seem like just another day of madness with the League! But at least a real threat happens while they're all arguing so that the story can move forward.

Oh boy! An emergency! Too bad it took 14 pages to happen.

The emergency is a fire started by General Glory's Nazi rival who had an accident while building a Nazi Death Weapon or a Nazi Doombot or something. The fire broke out near an oil refinery so the Justice League rush in to keep the place from exploding. General Glory rushes into the burning building to save some houseless people. But instead of finding anybody to save, he finds this:

Oops! Not that! That scan was meant for my personal collection!


Twitter Blue already defending this robot's right to free speech.

The Nazi-bot topples onto General Glory because what else is it going to do? Look at it! It definitely wasn't made for graceful movements. Or any movements for that matter. It's less articulated than a Gobot.

The robot and General Glory crash into the basement of the burning building. And since the rest of the Justice League believe he's just some crazy lunatic pretending to be a comic book super hero, they all assume he's just died. But instead, he comes walking out of the inferno clutching a poor puppy. The press eats it up and Max Lord, who loves nothing more than good press, gives him a spot on the team. And General Glory keeps the dog for a mascot. How long before it and the Justice League Europe cat get into a brawl? That'll probably happen in the huge Breakdowns event, right?!

Justice League America #47 Rating: B+. I know I whined about all the wasted space but even wasted space can be entertaining character work! My real main issue was I don't give a shit about the characters being worked! General Glory? Stop wasting my time! And the new Mister Miracle? Get the fuck out of here! I barely gave a shit about the current one and you think I'm going to care about a new, younger one?! Although I did enjoy the character work on Ice's butthole in that one panel. Nice work, Linda Medley!

Justice League Europe #22 (January 1991)

I stole this comic book, just in case.

DC: "Here's a cover with a man putting a gun to a cat's head and threatening to blow its brains out if fans buy the comic book!"
Comics Code Authority: "Approved! Good, traditional, old-fashioned entertainment that everybody can enjoy!"

Fuck the people who think everybody needs their individual approval to live and act a certain way, especially when their "approval" accepts threatening the lives of cats! What the fuck, Comics Code?! I mean, sure, I know nobody is going to harm an actual cat and almost certainly nobody is going to harm even a fictional cat! But that's my point about how useless the Comics Code Authority is! It's a fucking comic book, assholes! If you think it needs to be regulated because you don't want kids seeing disturbing things than you also can't "approve" of a cover where a man has a gun shoved inside a cat's ear and promising to kill the cat if somebody buys the comic book! You're making the reader complicit in violence! I bet the original cover showed the cat's asshole in exquisite detail but the Comics Code Authority was all, "Unh-uh! No way, José! Take it out!" (Also you know they pronounced the "J" in José.)

95% of angry Twitter is just people upset that other people are enjoying their life in a way that they don't think those people should be enjoying their lives. How about spending that time enjoying your life and stop bothering everybody who isn't bothering you at all? Is it because the life you signed up for isn't any fun? Is it because all the things you want to do are frowned upon by other people in your tribe and your pretend God? Why think, "If I can't live that way, nobody should be able to live that way?" Instead think, "Other people are living their lives the way they want, why shouldn't I?!" Free yourselves from your mental shackles, you uptight prigs! Get out there and enjoy yourselves! Unless what you enjoy is pedophilia. Then maybe just keep being angry at the world. Just maybe stop projecting your disgusting desires on everybody else and making YouTube videos explaining how everybody is into pedophilia but you can't explain exactly how you know this (being that "how you know it" is that you're projecting your own terrible desires on everybody else) and instead need to make up insane proofs like the names of wardrobes sold online or the kinds of toppings mentioned on a pizza menu.

Take a look at that cover I scanned one more time. Don't look at the art. Look at the edges. This might be the wonkiest cut comic book that I own. That scan was with the top of the comic book level with the edge of the scanner and the bottom corner shifts at least a quarter of an inch! Maybe I should have stolen a better copy!

Oh! I forgot Gerard Jones wrote this comic book when I mentioned the pedophilia! Ha ha! What a coincidence!

This issue is called "Catnap" because, as we all saw by the cover, Kara's cat is going to be kidnapped and held for ransom. Except we've all read this story (probably even before this comic was published in 1991) where somebody kidnaps somebody, usually a kid, and the victim winds up being way more trouble than the ransom is worth so the kidnappers eventually admit defeat and return the victim, sometimes even paying to make sure the victim is taken back. And being that nobody likes this fucking cat, why would anybody pay a ransom for it?

Okay, Power Girl likes the cat. But that just means the kidnappers are in even bigger trouble because in Kara's hierarchy of actions, Kara punches first, explodes her vagina second, and "paying the ransom" never shows up on her list ever!

The two British guys who stole the cat (still unnamed, I think?) lounge around imagining how many crisps and lagers they're going to buy with their windfall when suddenly they hear a crash from the back room where they've stashed the cat.

I'm sorry. I can't believe two British guys are fans of the Grateful Dead. I also don't believe fans of the Grateful Dead would kidnap a cat.

The closest I ever came to seeing the Dead was this time they were playing at the Shoreline Amphitheater in Mountain View, California, and I stopped by the parking lot to score some LSD. At the time, I didn't understand the concept of a miracle in relation to the Dead so when I saw people walking around with their fingers in a peace sign, I knew it must have been some sort of signal and began doing the same thing! I thought the signal meant, "I need LSD," but it actually meant, "I need tickets to the show." Nobody approached me either way. I eventually noticed two people obviously involved in a drug transaction behind a tent and I walked right up to them, pulled out my money, and asked, "Can I get some acid?" The guy selling really didn't know what to think with this bold maneuver but since I didn't look like a cop, he sold me a couple of hits. I think that's the only time in my life I ever personally bought drugs! At least from a stranger! An ex's sister sold LSD for a bit and I definitely purchased from her.

Kara flips the fuck out when she discovers her cat is being ransomed. Most every other member of the Justice League couldn't give a shit but Rocket Red's son seems concerned so now he's my second favorite member of Justice League Europe (right after Kara, of course. Cat lovers unite!). The two catnappers, oblivious to their imminent beatdowns, consider their next options in garnering the ransom money.

"Why would they even want the cat back?" is a terrible realization to have this deep into your criminal activity.

This story is a good lesson in sunk costs. One of the catnappers is all, "Why don't we just give the cat back? This is getting out of hand!" And the main catnapper is all, "I've already received a broken arm and all of my possessions were destroyed and my room is covered in hairballs. I'm not giving up now!" Those things have already been paid for in the past. He shouldn't be considering them as part of the overall payoff! What he should be thinking is, "Within how many inches of my life will Power Girl beat the shit out of me?" Maybe I'm thinking about this too much like an American! Thanks to the NHS, his broken arm hasn't cost him anything, really! And getting beaten nearly to death also won't cost him anything! So all he sees are pound signs in his eyes from the ransom, even if he has to enjoy it from a hospital bed drinking out of a straw and shitting in a bag taped to his belly. Also, I know he's in a story and he doesn't! So for him, this story can totally work out in his benefit. But I know who the real heroes are and the demeanor of the cat and the violent temper of the heroine, so I see exactly what's about to happen to this poor bloke. Maybe I should be less cynical and try to read my comic books with a fresh and naive perspective. Like when I first read Pet Sematary and only realized Gage was going to die when the family was having the best day ever on a picnic so, so close to the highway.

I would like to point out that I was pretty young when I first read Pet Sematary and not a thirty-four year old who still didn't understand how stories work.

Meanwhile, Mr. Bigger, the guy who wanted Tortolini's notes on the Justice League, takes an interest in the catnapping story. He seems to be running a Super Villain Help Line where villains call in to find information about heroes in their area and how to best avoid them or defeat them. Mr. Bigger seems to think there's an opportunity for his organization in this pet scandal. Maybe he wants to ransom the cat for extra information about the Justice League which he can use for his 1-900 number that all the terrible C-list super villains are using! Well, he's only mentioned Clue Master so far. But he's firmly a C-list character in 1991 so that's enough evidence for me! I don't see Eclipso or Amazo or Starro or any of the other villains whose name ends with an "o" calling! Oh, Despero!

Power Girl insists that Catherine bother Batman about this mystery and Batman, upon learning it is a cat that needs rescuing, hangs up on Catherine. What the fuck is wrong with that asshole?! Would he not spend every resource to save Ace? Or Bat-Cow?! Or Jason Todd?! Doesn't he understand that the most heroic thing a hero can do, so much so that it's the name of the trope, is to rescue a fucking cat?! I always wondered why I hated Batman so much and I bet this comic book was the origin story for that hate! Help save the fucking cat, you piece of shit! You know, if Catwoman hears about this, you're never getting the finger in the butthole as you come treatment ever again!

Okay, fine, I've reconsidered and there's ample evidence that Batman did not use every resource at his disposal to save Jason Todd. But you can't really blame him for that! What control does Batman have over the DC readers, especially that one guy who called hundreds of times to vote "Yes, please, please, please kill Robin"?

What the fuck is Catherine on about?!

Does Catherine think the months are different in the southern hemisphere just because the seasons are flipped?! Or should I say, "Does Gerard Jones think that?!" People like to say they're happy with whatever their kids are reading just as long as they're reading but fuck that nonsense. If everything I learned about the world, I learned from DC Comics, I'd be the biggest fucking dolt on the Internet.

Hey! I heard that! Fuck you!

Mr. Bigger discovers the location of the cat and sends his men to break in, tranquilize the cat, and pay the catnappers 16,000 quid. While that isn't what I predicted would happen at the start, they were ready to just surrender the cat back to the Justice League. They even went so far as to call a local tabloid station to arrange a drop-off, which Crimson Fox, being super powerful in the publishing world, learned about before the television media. So now Mr. Bigger has the cat, the catnappers have their ransom, and the Justice League are off to beat the shit out of whoever drops off a cat at the local tabloid's offices.

Mr. Bigger's plan is to implant a camera and microphone into the eye of the cat so that it can be returned and they can learn all of the Justice League's secrets and also spy on Power Girl changing. Now that live feed would really make Mr. Bigger some cash! If, you know, there was any real semblance of the Internet in 1991. And, um, also if it wasn't a totally gross and problematic idea! Although even if they did have a live stream fed from out of the cat's eye to spy on Power Girl showering and changing, most members would probably lose their boners when the cat stopped watching Power Girl and started licking its butthole. Notice I said "most members"! You know some people would pay premium for that.

Mr. Bigger has the two catnappers drop off the cat so, of course, Power Girl catches them and beats the shit out of them. But they still made their 16,000 pounds! And with the NHS taking care of their bodily injuries for free, they've come out ahead! I guess criminals are sometimes successful, even in a Comics Code Authority approved comic book! Which I think is against their Code so what the fuck, Comics Code Authority?! I'm pretty sure they were just phoning it in by the mid-80s, let alone 1991. Not that I give a shit! Fuck the Comics Code Authority! Just more bullshit where people give in to a minority of thought police simply to keep from having to sit through any more congressional trials about the state of today's youth!

Justice League Europe #22 Rating: B. This issue didn't have the Justice League saving anybody at all but at least it set some future plots into motion with the whole Mr. Bigger and his 1-900 superhero information hotline story and the cat with the camera eye. I'm mostly surprised that the cat doesn't have a name yet. How lazy are these writers?! I think Power Girl was considering names a few issues ago but if she settled on one, I'm sure it would have been used at some point in this issue. Usually my favorite part of any issue is a really nice butt shot of Sue Dibny or Crimson Fox but this time my favorite part was where Catherine thinks the southern hemisphere does months differently. She's so fucking dumb.

Justice League America #46 (January 1991)

Guy Gardner is so into this comic book that he's giving it oral.

"Virtue signaling" is the dumbest phrase thought up by the dumbest people in the world. A bunch of sociopaths needed a way to express how they don't believe other people can feel empathy or compassion. They don't believe it because they don't feel those things themselves. Therefore those things, they believe, don't exist. So if somebody shows compassion for another human being because we live in a communal society and the only way for that kind of society to be successful is if we take care of our most vulnerable members, they think, "Nobody actually feels compassion so that liar just wants other people to believe they feel those things for clout." It's the same thing that's happening when a Christian wonders how an atheist knows right from wrong without being told. The atheist knows because they can feel empathy and compassion. You don't need The Bible to tell you how to behave in a community unless you're a sociopath. The biggest sociopath I ever knew was a Catholic and a Republican and he ended every debate with me with "Where's your faith, Tess?" As if "faith" were somehow some virtuous attribute and not just a means to control other people (like "loyalty").

I bring this up because Guy Gardner is reading a patriotic comic book. What "virtue signaling" actually is is just outward expressions to impress the tribe you feel you are a part of or want to be included in. Anybody who endured teenage educational systems understands "virtue signaling." While not all outward expressions are "virtue signaling" (most are just expressions of your inner self, and celebrations of the things you actually love), many wind up being that. And the people most involved in "virtue signaling" are those who want to belong to tribes who most closely control your thoughts, beliefs, and desires. American conservatives are the biggest virtue signalers of all. They expect members to be super patriotic which causes them to fly as many flags as possible. They have to express pro-military stances. They must treat the national anthem as a religious rite. They must constantly voice their discontent for anything and everything their tribe has deemed liberal or woke. They must express their belief in and love of God as often as possible because it's expected of them, even if they're not even close to righteous or God-fearing. They will be kicked out of their tribe the moment they express any view that might be contrary to the tribe's philosophy. They often complain about cancel culture but they are the first to cancel anybody or anything who voices an opinion contrary to their view of reality.

One of conservatives biggest complaints is people online putting pronouns into their social media bios. They'll call that virtue signaling when it's actually just a useful tool. We are people interacting online! Why should anybody know the gender of anybody else? It's helpful to be all, "Yeah, just use he/him for me since my name is ValorousChipmunk88 and there's no way you'd know my gender if I didn't mention it." And, yes, it helps normalize a world in which we accept people for who they say they are instead of forcing our beliefs onto them. But conservatives see any suggestion to be helpful toward the community as a whole, or to be more inclusive in general, as an authoritarian move equal to, as they too often say, being labeled and put in a concentration camp. How dare anybody suggest they do take any action they weren't already going to take?! All of what I've just written would be seen, by them, as virtue signaling to increase clout rather than logical and rational facts about the world based on lived experience and observation. They're so deep in their delusional reality that they don't even believe mirrors exist so how can they ever get a really good look at themselves (that's a metaphor for looking inward!).

Imagine being such a touchy cuck that you can't even drink your favorite pisswater beer because they made one can with a rainbow on it. Hell, imagine being unable to enjoy rainbows, God's actual covenant with man to never again destroy them by flood, because it represents gay pride in certain circumstances. If it's virtue signaling to wear a rainbow shirt then what would you call it when you make a Tik Tok video in the middle of Walmart raging at rainbows on kid's shirts to the point that the teenage employees have to call the police on you? I know which one sounds more like virtue signaling to me! But then I'm just a guy with Trump Derangement Syndrome, if you listen to some idiotic comments on past posts.

I know I've already gone on quite a bit without talking about the comic book I'm ostensibly supposed to be talking about but now that I've mentioned Trump Derangement Syndrome, maybe I should say something about that too! American conservatives (and probably other foreign ones but I'm American so let me talk about the psychos I know) need to put derogatory, all-encompassing labels on people who see things for what they are and speak them plainly and rationally because they refuse to see those things rationally. Anybody who believes Trump is intelligent or a good leader or not a con man are the ones viewing reality through a distorting lens. Any person without right or left bias (if that even exists in the sense that the right has politicized any opinion at all, mostly to maintain their belief that people who want a better world simply say those things to appear a certain way rather than, you know, actually wanting a better world) who was forced to view Trump speak about anything would immediately determine he was a fucking idiot with language skills on par with a seventh grader. So the people with a "syndrome" are those who somehow see Trump as some charismatic genius who only speaks the truth. The problem with American conservatives is the same problem with people who believe in an afterlife: they'll never know they're wrong because they can't see past their own need to believe the things that justify their desires and the way they live their lives.

Okay, sorry, I'll get back to this woke comic book now. I'm assuming it's woke because it's about General Glory, a comic book character who beat the shit out of Adolf Hitler.

The issue begins with an old German man trying to murder an old American man.

Being the online Brainiac that I am who has achieved nothing but still points out his huge IQ test score from kindergarten, my speculation is that the old man is General Glory. No, no! I don't need laurels and ticker tape parades to celebrate my ability to comprehend the simplest of narratives! My father's love, which I assume I have although I don't talk to him anymore because conversations with him were intolerable, is all I need! Re-reading that previous sentence makes me think maybe I don't even need that! Am I free from the desperate need to make my father proud of me?! No, wait. I just remembered I never had that which is almost certainly why I'm such a slacker!

I don't know who the old guy is trying to kill old General Glory (even though he said his name. Knowing somebody's name doesn't mean you know who they are, you know?) but I'm really hoping it's Adolf Hitler using an alias! Oh no! I just typed out "Adolf Hitler" in my blog! The automated security systems might flag this review with a warning! I've already had about thirty old reviews flagged recently for containing the phrases "hand job," "blow job," and "glory hole"! Oops! Now when this review gets flagged, I won't be able to blame it on typing "Adolf Hitler"!

The one time I received a warning on Facebook and had a status update flagged was when I posted a quote by Adolf Hitler. I posted it for two reasons. The first reason was that I found the quote at the end of a Vision and the Scarlet Witch comic book from the 80s. Which was fucking weird because it wasn't used ironically or in a way to show how terrible Hitler was! The quote was used, I think, to explain how awesome comic books are! The second reason I posted it was because it summed up meme culture. It was Adolf Hitler pointing out how memes are the best way to manufacture propaganda and to capture the minds of the dimwit masses. So the quote just seemed perfect because rightwing idiots online pretty much gather all of their information and debate points through memes. My point was rightwing idiots are falling for the Adolf Hitler playbook! And Facebook was all, "Nope! You're going to get banned for this post!" Sort of a weird thing to ban somebody over if you don't want people thinking you're sympathetic to Nazis and Adolf Hitler!

"Dear Facebook: I am writing this criticism of the right-wing online playbook by showing that it's exactly the same as the way Adolf Hitler used propaganda to manipulate the masses and 'other' his enemies. It's an apt and intriguing viewpoint."

"Dear Tess: You have been warned. Do not ever post this kind of terrible argument. Are you against free speech?"

Anyway, that's why I only use Facebook to ostracize my conservative friends and family and to remember the hilarious things I said on that date from every year in the past. The "Memories" feature is the only good part of Facebook because I'm the only one of my friends who makes Facebook fun!

Oh shit. I forgot I was reading a comic book! This comic book review site is terrible! Might I recommend the Weird Science Comic Book Review Blog? It's even worse but at least they stick to talking about comic books!

General Glory pulls a Ghost World so that he doesn't hurt any more friends and family.

Speaking of Ghost World and Facebook, one of my status messages for which I didn't get nearly banned went like this: "My only regret when I die will be never wandering away from my home town on a mystery bus, leaving everything in the past forever." My best friend from high school Paul replied, "Didn't you do just that in your Volkswagen bus?" This revelation that I actually had pulled an Enid without realizing it myself was a moment of pure joy! Yes, I know the ending of Ghost World isn't supposed to be uplifting but then we're all made differently, aren't we? And while I didn't use public transportation to disappear into the urban wilds, I did hop on a bus and leave my hometown forever on a cross-country journey in my VW. Thanks for seeing that, Paul!

According to that panel where General Glory is lighting out for the territories, he must need a special phrase to transform into General Glory. But he's so old that he's forgotten it. This is why you should always write down your passwords and keep them somewhere safe! Like page 113 of Selected Writings of Gertrude Stein. I mean somewhere else that I just made up and didn't pull from my life! I don't even know who Gertrude Stein is or how to count to 113!

Max Lord heads to Russia to oversee the changing of the guard at the Moscow Embassy because the world was changing like crazy in 1990! Russians are finally able to freely listen to more Western music than just Billy Joel! Great times for the Russian people! Although terrible times for Billy Joel. The failure of the U.S.S.R. was the beginning of the end for him! Although he probably still had his fans working on fishing boats. "Did you hear the new Billy Joel song?! He mentioned the Beaufort Scale! I screamed my fucking head off!"

While Max is away, J'onn sits in his room eating Oreos while Guy Gardner makes plans to sexually harass a television news anchor.

If DC doesn't want me absolutely thinking it's canon that Guy Gardner was checking out this woman's nipples, maybe they should think twice about their scripts and what will happen to certain words due to smudgy ink on newsprint.

Apparently there was an old rule to never use the word "flick" or to name a character "Clint" but then comic book publishers got cocky and were all, "The printing process is way better now! Use whatever words you want!" But the printing process never really got better until Baxter paper but then Baxter paper was ultimately shit and now comics are printed on something else that mostly doesn't turn "flick" into "fuck" and "Clint" into "cunt." I suppose using fonts that don't simply use all capital letters would help but comic book companies seem to avoid that for other reasons that I can't be bothered to look up. Probably readability or something.

It's also possible whoever created Hawkeye just thought, "I hate this character. I am naming him Clint so that nobody ever dares use him after this."

Guy Gardner learns that the 1942 comic book General Glory #1 is being auctioned off, the only extant copy! It's projected to sell for ten thousand dollars! We know, being there is only one copy, that the issue is rare and it's from 1942. That means the $10,000 price tag means it's an unpopular comic book that nobody fucking cares about. Except, of course, Guy Gardner!

Old Man General Glory also wants to get his hands on the issue because it contains the magic words needed to transform himself. Oh, now I see why the rarity and price seem to have nothing to do with each other. The comic has to be the only extant copy left so it's the only way General Glory can get the magic words. But that also means it has to be at a reasonable auction price so he (and all his rivals) can potentially get their hands on it. If the comic sold for millions, this whole situation would just be too ludicrous to believe!

The auction takes place at a comic convention so that the Giffen and DeMatteis can make fun of comic book nerds through Guy Gardner's voice. At least at first. Guy begins to come around to loving these dorks because he realizes that he was one of those young dorks once, finding an escape and joy in comic books when his home and school life were terrible. But that only lasts until some kid gives him a comic book reminder of a past humiliation.

This counts as a Lobo appearance.

An announcement that the auction is going to begin causes Guy Gardner and General Glory (Oh! GGs! Like me: Grunion Guy! (That's my real fake name! Tess is just what some people call me even though the name of the website is all about the phonetic sounds and not about a real person named Tess drinking redundant tea!)) to bump into each other. They exchange pleasantries in that way that Guy Gardner exchanges pleasantries which means Guy treats his hero like shit.

Hey General, I wouldn't be making light of other people's haircuts when you're sporting the "hair island".

The bidding begins for "the rarest comic book in existence" and Guy bids ten dollars and an ass beating for anybody who bids against him. The only person who challenges him is General Glory himself! The old man forces Guy to buy the comic book for five thousand dollars so at least that's some justice for whoever was selling the rarest comic book in existence that should have garnered a full ten thousand dollars! The Nazi attacks the auction after Guy gets his comic book but fails, disappearing into the crowd before Guy can kill him.

Later, the old man follows Guy back to the JLA Embassy and offers to give Guy five thousand dollars to get a glimpse of the comic book. Guy relents and General Glory finds the stupid patriotic saying that turns him into General Glory.

Totally unrealistic. After all those years as an old man and suddenly finding myself young again, I'd definitely have a major boner trying to bust out of that spandex.

Justice League America #46 Rating: B-. Why the fuck should I care about some old geezer superhero that was just invented by Giffen and DeMatteis in this issue?! I don't even give a shit about the Justice Society of America and they're characters with a long history in the DC Universe. It's surprising because I'm fifty and you'd think I'd really be into geriatric super heroes by now! I was probably more into the Justice Society of America when I was five except I wasn't reading comics when I was five. I was too busy hanging out with my super old neighbors or watching any movie starring Art Carney or Scatman Crothers! I totally had an old man fetish when I was a little tyke. I'm pretty lucky none of them were total pervs!

One thing I hate re-reading these old Giffen/DeMatteis Guy Gardner stories is the way they characterize him. I get if they want to make him arrogant and abrasive and intimidating. But why make him amount to little more than a petty super villain? For a guy (Guy!) who was actually chosen by the Guardians of the Universe to be a space cop, meaning he has an inherent goodness to keep justice in the world, he's portrayed as nothing more than a person who doesn't give a shit what kinds of laws he breaks as long as he's satisfying his own desires. Why would Guy Gardner basically try to steal through intimidation a rare comic book he wanted? And why would he manhandle an old man who is just as interested in General Glory as he is? Giffen and DeMatteis take the joke that Guy is an asshole too far. He is a Green Lantern! At the very least, Guy should be just and lawful within the parameters of being an arrogant jerk. Is that too much to ask?!

Justice League Quarterly #1 (Winter 1990)

The Conglomerate fucks.

Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League was so popular in the late 80s and early 90s that some accountant at DC counting the stacks of cash it was bringing in realized DC wasn't printing enough Justice League to fill demand. He did some quick calculations on how much more money they could squeeze out of fans without killing enthusiasm for the Justice League. With dollar signs in his eyes, he rushed into Jenette Kahn's office and screamed, "We need 80 more pages of Justice League every three months!" Jenette Kahn, seeing that his pupils had turned into actual dollar signs and the tumescence in his pants, stood up and pounded her desk with her fist. "Make it so! Get down to the oubliette and let Giffen and DeMatteis know we need more, more, more!" And that's why this comic book exists.

I'm surprised how much use the Justice League teams got out of the Justice League #1 cover pose over the years without it feeling like they'd gone one too many. This cover has at least eight separate short stories happening all at once. It's just lovely. And Batman's face blocked by the logo is just a heroic choice to make.

In the regular, normal, best series of Justice League which obviously takes place in America, Booster Gold was up to something. He'd become sick of everybody thinking he was Blue Beetle's best friend so he moved on to form his own team. Knowing that fans probably wouldn't put up with some kind of backdoor pilot in the pages of Justice League America where a whole issue would focus on The Conglomerate and what Booster was up to, DC did the smart thing: charged fans $2.95 to read a comic book with "Justice League" on the title but which was mostly about The Conglomerate. It must have been okay with the fans because at least ten quarterly issues were published (I say at least because I have 10 of them. It's possible they kept going and I just reached my limit of them). This one begins by showing that Max Lord has been spying on Booster Gold. This establishes the connection needed to have a Conglomerate comic book under a Justice League title.

Claire Montgomery, the ostensible brains behind The Conglomerate, has gathered together representatives of all the most vile corporations in the DC Universe, some of which aren't completely transparent simulacrums of actual companies (like Stagg Industries and LexCorp!). She is looking for funding and who better to fund a new superhero team than the people with all of the money? I mean "who better" in that they've got the cash but not "who better" in that they're definitely going to want their interests looked after by the bought and paid for superheroes. But I'm sure Claire and Booster have thought of a way to protect The Conglomerate from that kind of corruption!

Oh, good plan! Not like the public won't see these corporations as even more vile once the corporations use The Conglomerate to destroy Greenpeace boats and cover-up toxic spills in heavily populated areas!

Claire believes when people see The Conglomerate save the world, they'll think, "Shell Oil really does care about us!" She introduces the team to the corporate monkeys and I'm surprised their first and only question isn't, "Why aren't are logos on their jackets?"

The Conglomerate is composed of seven members. Booster Gold, the leader, who can fly, project a forcefield, and knows whatever Skeets knows (otherwise he knows next to nothing). Praxis (not on the cover) is a large blonde man with a ponytail who apparently has mind powers as great as Doctor Fate's magic? With a name like Praxis, I imagine he's a Twitter reply guy know-it-all actually nerd. I despise him at first sight. Gypsy is Gypsy. You know Gypsy! It's Gypsy! From previous incarnations of the League! She has camouflaging powers and her long skirt has pockets. Echo is the small red head who can reflect forces back at their origins. Her kryptonite is the quack of a duck (that's a joke, you fucking Internet Praxes! Lay off me with your kneejerk need to correct everybody just trying to have a little laugh!). Vapor, the woman on the cover whose top Flash is looking down, can turn into an acidic mist and melt the face off her enemies. Sounds like the kind of power a good guy should not have! Maxi-man, the guy on the cover who is going to be sued by Superman over the spit curl, is basically blond Superman. Last and certainly least based on being Vibe's brother is Reverb (the dour guy dwarfed by Maxi-man on the cover). He has the same powers as Vibe but with less break dancing and street lingo (I'm assuming! He might wind up being the same kind of racist caricature as Vibe was!). None of their uniforms match in any way but they all have matching jackets. I'm assuming as soon as a corporation ponies up some start-up cash, the jackets will be covered in various logos. And whoever puts up the most money will probably get a name sponsorship: The Conglomerate brought to you by BlackRock.

My main issue with the team is the redundancy of the sound heroes. Do they really need both Echo and Reverb? Along with Maxi-man and Booster, they sound like an 80's boom box. Also who needs Gypsy on the team? Oh boy, she can hide really well! Her skirt's pockets are more useful than her super power.

After the meeting which isn't resolved one way or the other because it will probably be apparent later in the story, some guy with telekinetic powers attacks Dupree Chemical because it was their carelessness that resulted in his powers. It's just the kind of attack that Max Lord would have come up with to get Dupree Chemical interested in super powered protection! Claire must have also got all of her ideas from mob movies! If it is Claire's doing, she also tipped off the Justice League so that they would show first. Then The Conglomerate can show up and make the experienced heroes look like rookies (because it's a set-up! Obviously they'd know how to defeat the terrorist with their inside knowledge from Claire).

I really didn't remember about the logos but it's the only thing that makes sense if a corporation is backing a project.

Praxis catches the guy by shutting down his brain (temporarily! I think) and that's that. The Conglomerate become the belles of the ball! The entire world loves them as they save one corporate asset after another! They save planes and chemical plants and hostages (who were probably Wall Street guys or something). They can do no wrong and the Justice League just becomes an ever bigger laughing stock. That doesn't seem like a great way to treat the team whose name is on the cover of the comic book!

The Justice League, being that they rarely save the world from anything, have plenty of time to sit around watching news reports about The Conglomerate's successes.

Well, her dress did have pockets! Your pants don't even have pockets!

Max Lord arrives to show everybody the double page advert The Conglomerate has taken out in magazines and newspapers offering any American to be a sponsor for just $50! That's just for a limited time, of course. And you don't get a patch on their jacket but you do get a gold sponsorship card and two tickets to meet The Conglomerate when they throw a banquet in or near your town! Is this a satire on the American military and how they're basically funded by the people yet answer to corporate needs? Part of their pitch reads, "The Conglomerate will be working for you, the American people, to make the planet free and safe." Isn't that just like the American military?! Proclaiming they're making the planet free and safe while exclusively meaning "keep Americans free and safe" and actually protecting corporate interests while making the planet less free and safe for everybody, even Americans?!

It turns out Blue Beetle feels the same way I do about how The Conglomerate is selling themselves. I often forget that he's a super genius because he and Booster act like a comedy slapstick duo. This comic book was written in 1990 so there's also talk about being a sellout and how Booster Gold is tarnishing his superhero image for a quick and easy and unethical buck. That probably doesn't read the same in 2023 where the idea of selling out is pretty much the only way anybody can ever make any kind of money any more at all! I'd probably take a sponsorship from BlackRock at this point!

That was a joke! I totally would never unless they planned on giving me cash every time I point out how the worst people in the world work for or accept money from BlackRock! I know that would make me one of them but at least I could keep my dignity by being honest about how I was making money!

The difference between Booster and Beetle is that Beetle knows who he is so he doesn't mind being seen as a member of a comedy slapstick duo while Booster is so insecure that what other people think of him bothers him.

Behind the scenes, the entire Conglomerate, even Booster Gold, seems to side with Blue Beetle. They're forced to go to a meeting of the shareholders to glad hand all of the people who are more important than any of the actual superheroes on the team. Pleasing shareholders has been the downfall of everything. There used to be a time when people would get bank loans to start a business and then pay off those loans when the business took off and then had no obligations to anybody. But there is risk in taking out loans! So new businesses began convincing other people to invest their money so that they were taking all the risk. If the business failed, the people starting the business weren't out any cash. But if the business took off, they would forever be indebted to the shareholders who would want to see their investment make more and more every year, demanding a certain percentage of growth from the company. When a company can't continue that kind of yearly growth (partly because that should never be baked into a system! Some companies find their plateau and don't want to grow anymore!), the extra money has to be found elsewhere, like in employee wages and benefits. As long as a company must please shareholders, the company will never honor the employees who make the company what it is. The Conglomerate will probably learn this lesson soon enough (or not soon enough! This thing still has 60 pages to go! Yeesh!).

The Conglomerate think that this one shareholder meeting will be the only time they have to sell-out to their corporate interests and beg for money but they find they're constantly doing photoshoots for chemical companies and press junkets for LexCorps and aerial stunts with Ferris Air. They're all disheartened by the actuality of the gig, especially Booster Gold who is someday going to have to face Blue Beetle's, "I told you so, you fucking pickle juicer."

During all the photo opportunities, Reverb reveals that Praxis doesn't show up in photos. So he is on the cover! Somewhere.

Even though the Justice League were watching all of those news clips about The Conglomerate, apparently none of them were actual times they saved anybody. They must have all been publicity stunts because The Conglomerate mention the only mission they've gone on was the one to save Dupree Chemicals. But before they can all quit from boredom and the embarrassment of being huge sell-outs, they receive a mission: overthrow the leader of a small South American nation to help establish democracy (or at least put in power somebody who the United States and their corporate overlords can control!). They easily manage to overthrow the government, believing themselves true heroes instead of imperialist scumbags. Blue Beetle is going to have years of feeling smug and superior to Booster Gold after Booster eventually heads back to the Justice League with his corporate tail between his legs.

The Conglomerate is summarily convicted of war crimes and all put to death. The end!

No wait! That wasn't the end but I'm also wondering why The Conglomerate and The Suicide Squad basically do the same kinds of missions. Makes you think, doesn't it?! It really makes you think about the kinds of things watching a string of suggested YouTube videos which popped up after watching a video about Building 7 makes you think. You're all, "Oh no! Do corporations want the same things as the Deep State?! When I drink a can of Coke, is that equivalent to murdering an Arabic child in his home country with a military drone strike?! Why won't beautiful women sleep with me, a nice guy who never leaves his room and creates dank memes all day?! Why don't more people listen to David Icke?!"

The United Nations also believe that The Conglomerate should not have done what they have done. So The Justice League is sent to beat the shit out of them. Blue Beetle can't wait to go toe-to-toe with Booster Gold and also to tell him, "I told you so, you stupid moronic jerkface."

Green Lantern is the most power the Justice League has at their disposal but they have to leave him behind because he's an asshole.

The Flash appears to Booster Gold and Claire with his usual killer opener of "Not so fast!" I wonder if Wally has to work at the dumb puns or if they just come naturally the way they did for Barry Allen? Maybe that's part of what attracts the Speed Force to certain people: they have to be quick with a good pun about, um, being quick. Hmm, I wonder if I'm going to get struck by lightning the next time I'm in my room full of chemicals?! I hope not. If I get superspeed, everybody is going to expect me to do all of their chores because none of them realize that while I can do them fast, I'm still experiencing doing them at normal speed due to how my brain must function to control being at super speed! Nobody gives a thought to how bored a speedster must get doing mundane shit! Jerks.

Thanks to Booster Gold having a force field and J'onn forgetting that he can phase through objects like force fields, The Conglomerate manage to escape back to the United States where they can't be touched by a UN-backed group of heroes. For some reason. I guess they can attack them on foreign soil because nobody in the US cares about foreigners? Anyway, now they'll have to wait to beat them up some other time, like if they go to Tijuana for the weekend or up to Canada to get some prescriptions filled. Hopefully the Justice League will remember to bring Guy Gardner next time so that they can actually defeat The Conglomerate.

oh no who could have foreseen this happening

The Conglomerate all slowly wake up to the realization that they're being used to protect corporate interests. Was it more difficult to see this in 1990? I don't think so because the Reagan era should have made everybody realize it. I suppose that's why Republicans still think of him as the greatest president because their manipulation of everything to serve corporate interests was so blatant that even stupid conservatives were all, "Oh! I get it! We're screwing over dumb-dumb middle class and poor people who don't see life as a competition to earn as much money as possible and actually enjoy living their lives in other ways! Fuck those guys!" What I'm saying is The Conglomerate are only now realizing that they've been bought and paid for by corporations who don't give a fuck about the world and are only interested in protecting their bottom line. So the choice is not to do the missions the corporations demand and lose funding or continue to do unethical bullshit and harm people in other countries to keep playing superhero. Seems like an easy decision but for some reason these jerk-offs believe they need to keep being heroes. Like the DC Universe needs more heroes, especially at the expense of regular people. Do no harm, assholes! Fuck, I'd be happy if they'd at least do more good than harm! I'm looking at you, New Titans of this era!

The team agrees to not go on any of the corporate missions while still cashing their paychecks. So that's a good sign! I thought for sure they would cave. Instead, they're going on a paid strike! Sure, they still get cats out of trees and help old ladies cross the street by carrying their heavy sacks of groceries. But they're not overthrowing dictators to establish factories in foreign countries! And that makes the people paying their checks a little bit angry and resentful.

As if the corporations weren't portrayed as being evil enough in their own right, we learn Hector Hammond works for Dupree Chemical.

Hector Hammond is just a general contractor, apparently. Thrunctuous, the liaison between The Conglomerate and the Corporations, had him released from prison to program a brain-dead employee of Dupree Chemical who was turned into a brain-dead monster due to an industrial accident. He's been kept prisoner in the basement of Dupree Chemical to avoid a lawsuit. Now Thrunctuous sees the creature as a way to solve his problems (those problems being the individuality and free will of the members of The Conglomerate). He describes his plan to Hector Hammond.

Somebody must have just read White Noise before writing this story.

Here's my review of White Noise after reading it around 2000: "Do you live under a perpetual fear of death? I don't! But then I'm only nine years old! But if every single thought in my head every single minute of the day was my eventual death, then I'm not sure I'd want to read a book that reminds me page after page after page that I'm a walking corpse. But since I still believe I'm living forever, this book was pretty funny. Some old married chick falls for this scam where some old pervert trades her don't-fear-death pills in exchange for sex! But there aren't any nasty sex scenes or nothing. Bic, Gillette, Lady Remington. The husband dude gets all bent out of shape cause he's gonna die and he's afraid of dying too. And even though his wise New Yorker friends tells him all plots lead to death, nobody in this book dies! Not even the baby! What a rip! But if you think you can find comfort in the words of others who are scared to die, check out this book!"

That was for a web page I had back in the late 90s/early 00s called "Reading Rainbow: The Out-takes" on the site No Apologies! Press. I wasn't really nine years old at the time!

Once The Conglomerate die from the toxic airborne event, Hector and Thrunctuous will release their new hero, the Brain-Dead Workplace Accident (or whatever his name will be). And the corporations won't even have to pay him because he'll be mind-controlled! Oh, but they'll probably have to pay Hector Hammond. But he doesn't accept cash. He's into weird and perverse memories for his mind collection.

The Conglomerate realize that it won't be long before their money supply is cut off which is the worst thing that could happen. To them, of course! Nobody else in the world could fucking give a fig. Is that a saying? And, if it is, will young people understand it? And if young people will understand it, does it matter? Do they still read blogs? Should I turn this review site into a Tik Tok dance?

Just like everybody in the world, they think their thing must continue at all costs. Get over yourselves! Your comic book review site doesn't need to exist, Weird Science!

Claire shops The Conglomerate to Max Lord as a subsidiary organization to the Justice League and he seems open to the idea. During the conversation, it's revealed that Max and Claire used to be married. I guess I didn't remember that because it probably doesn't actually go anywhere outside stories featuring The Conglomerate.

The Conglomerate and the Justice League have a small cocktail party so that Guy Gardner can hit on Echo while Ice stands nearby, The Flash (why is he even here?!) can hit on all the other women (except he doesn't do that for some reason? What's wrong with him?! Is it really Wally under that mask?!), and Booster Gold can apologize to Beetle. Beetle ignores him but you can tell that Booster's words got to him. They're going to be best friends again real soon! Gypsy and Martian Manhunter just stare at each other while eating Vienna sausages off of toothpicks. They're probably speaking telepathically where J'onn is all, "Well, looks like you're joining the League anyway!" and she's thinking, "These little franks are disgusting."

Thrunctuous interrupts the cocktail party with an emergency at Dupree Chemical! It's the trap he set up to kill The Conglomerate. Not that he tells them that! I was just reminding readers although you probably just read the part about the trap mere seconds ago. I was probably writing that to remind myself because sometimes it takes me days to read a comic book this long! I've spent almost a week with this thing sitting in the scanner and reading a few pages here and there!

Thrunctuous doesn't expect the Justice League to accompany The Conglomerate to the accident so the toxic airborne event is easily taken care of by Guy Gardner. Thrunctuous calls an audible. Since his creature won't be able to save a day that's already been saved, he orders Hector to make the creature attack the League and The Conglomerate. It's just one massive fat guy that looks like a more melted version of Two-Face. How is he going to defeat both teams?!

The most disturbing aspect of this guy is his tighty whities.

This creature vomits toxic waste so it's basically a white trash Chemo. Hector Hammond pops up out of his hole for some inexplicable reason since I'm sure he can control the thing from a distance. Immediately upon showing his face from his floating chair, Guy Gardner recognizes him. Two seconds after that, Hector Hammond recognizes Guy Gardner and shits himself. Hector also loses control of the creature meaning the creature becomes more dangerous and starts yelling, "PHIL!" Phil, it turns out, is his brother, the person behind the first attack on Dupree Chemical. He has easily broken out of Belle Reve after re-establishing the telepathic link with his brother. And he's come to end his brother's pain. By touching tips?

FWASH is the sound it makes when Supergirl's vagina explodes! I didn't realize until now it's just the generic comic book sound for any genitalia exploding.

The third person in that picture is Thrunctuous because he's the bad guy and had to get his comeuppance, this being a Comics Code Authority approved comic book.

The issue ends with Claire extorting the corporations that originally funded The Conglomerate, telling them that if they don't sponsor The Conglomerate without interfering, she'll release the story about how they worked with Thrunctuous and Dupree Chemical and Hector Hammond to do bad guy stuff. Maybe it's written less as her extorting them and more her pleading with them to do the right thing in a world where it's often too easy and more lucrative to do the wrong thing. Nobody agrees to anything on-panel but it seems like The Conglomerate will continue to do their thing. And it feels like maybe Booster Gold will continue to work with them but maybe he's been invited to rejoin the League as well? We'll see!

Justice League Quarterly #1 Rating: Too fucking long. I'm sure in 1990 when I was 18 years old, I was excited beyond rational belief to be getting an 80-page comic book (that includes the adverts, thank God! I only had to read 72 pages of comic!) for the price of three 24-page comic books! What a deal! I mean, was it a deal? Or was it exactly the same amount for the same amount of pages?! Fuck! Now I feel ripped off! No, wait! I saved a nickel! Woo-hoo! And for a backdoor pilot for The Conglomerate, it featured enough Booster Gold and members of the Justice League to justify the Justice League title. I'm pretty sure it was a failed backdoor pilot as I never remember getting a comic book series called The Conglomerate. But looking up the group online, I see there was a New Conglomerate and let me tell you: whatever the fuck that is, I need to read it! It looks like the art was done by Rob Liefeld (or one of his disciples like Marat Mychaels)! It looks so fucking terrible! And just imagine if it were written by Ann Nocenti! Oh my God! I'm not sure I could survive writing about a comic book that terrible! I'd die of ecstasy! Anyway, this issue was too long and it was about a bunch of dumb heroes who signed a deal with corporations but somehow thought the money wouldn't come with strings attached. Like, did people in 1990 not realize corporations are pure evil?! No wait. I already discussed that. They knew! Fuck you, Ronald Reagan!