Guy Gardner is so into this comic book that he's giving it oral.
"Virtue signaling" is the dumbest phrase thought up by the dumbest people in the world. A bunch of sociopaths needed a way to express how they don't believe other people can feel empathy or compassion. They don't believe it because they don't feel those things themselves. Therefore those things, they believe, don't exist. So if somebody shows compassion for another human being because we live in a communal society and the only way for that kind of society to be successful is if we take care of our most vulnerable members, they think, "Nobody actually feels compassion so that liar just wants other people to believe they feel those things for clout." It's the same thing that's happening when a Christian wonders how an atheist knows right from wrong without being told. The atheist knows because they can feel empathy and compassion. You don't need The Bible to tell you how to behave in a community unless you're a sociopath. The biggest sociopath I ever knew was a Catholic and a Republican and he ended every debate with me with "Where's your faith, Tess?" As if "faith" were somehow some virtuous attribute and not just a means to control other people (like "loyalty").
I bring this up because Guy Gardner is reading a patriotic comic book. What "virtue signaling" actually is is just outward expressions to impress the tribe you feel you are a part of or want to be included in. Anybody who endured teenage educational systems understands "virtue signaling." While not all outward expressions are "virtue signaling" (most are just expressions of your inner self, and celebrations of the things you actually love), many wind up being that. And the people most involved in "virtue signaling" are those who want to belong to tribes who most closely control your thoughts, beliefs, and desires. American conservatives are the biggest virtue signalers of all. They expect members to be super patriotic which causes them to fly as many flags as possible. They have to express pro-military stances. They must treat the national anthem as a religious rite. They must constantly voice their discontent for anything and everything their tribe has deemed liberal or woke. They must express their belief in and love of God as often as possible because it's expected of them, even if they're not even close to righteous or God-fearing. They will be kicked out of their tribe the moment they express any view that might be contrary to the tribe's philosophy. They often complain about cancel culture but they are the first to cancel anybody or anything who voices an opinion contrary to their view of reality.
One of conservatives biggest complaints is people online putting pronouns into their social media bios. They'll call that virtue signaling when it's actually just a useful tool. We are people interacting online! Why should anybody know the gender of anybody else? It's helpful to be all, "Yeah, just use he/him for me since my name is ValorousChipmunk88 and there's no way you'd know my gender if I didn't mention it." And, yes, it helps normalize a world in which we accept people for who they say they are instead of forcing our beliefs onto them. But conservatives see any suggestion to be helpful toward the community as a whole, or to be more inclusive in general, as an authoritarian move equal to, as they too often say, being labeled and put in a concentration camp. How dare anybody suggest they do take any action they weren't already going to take?! All of what I've just written would be seen, by them, as virtue signaling to increase clout rather than logical and rational facts about the world based on lived experience and observation. They're so deep in their delusional reality that they don't even believe mirrors exist so how can they ever get a really good look at themselves (that's a metaphor for looking inward!).
Imagine being such a touchy cuck that you can't even drink your favorite pisswater beer because they made one can with a rainbow on it. Hell, imagine being unable to enjoy rainbows, God's actual covenant with man to never again destroy them by flood, because it represents gay pride in certain circumstances. If it's virtue signaling to wear a rainbow shirt then what would you call it when you make a Tik Tok video in the middle of Walmart raging at rainbows on kid's shirts to the point that the teenage employees have to call the police on you? I know which one sounds more like virtue signaling to me! But then I'm just a guy with Trump Derangement Syndrome, if you listen to some idiotic comments on past posts.
I know I've already gone on quite a bit without talking about the comic book I'm ostensibly supposed to be talking about but now that I've mentioned Trump Derangement Syndrome, maybe I should say something about that too! American conservatives (and probably other foreign ones but I'm American so let me talk about the psychos I know) need to put derogatory, all-encompassing labels on people who see things for what they are and speak them plainly and rationally because they refuse to see those things rationally. Anybody who believes Trump is intelligent or a good leader or not a con man are the ones viewing reality through a distorting lens. Any person without right or left bias (if that even exists in the sense that the right has politicized any opinion at all, mostly to maintain their belief that people who want a better world simply say those things to appear a certain way rather than, you know, actually wanting a better world) who was forced to view Trump speak about anything would immediately determine he was a fucking idiot with language skills on par with a seventh grader. So the people with a "syndrome" are those who somehow see Trump as some charismatic genius who only speaks the truth. The problem with American conservatives is the same problem with people who believe in an afterlife: they'll never know they're wrong because they can't see past their own need to believe the things that justify their desires and the way they live their lives.
Okay, sorry, I'll get back to this woke comic book now. I'm assuming it's woke because it's about General Glory, a comic book character who beat the shit out of Adolf Hitler.
I bring this up because Guy Gardner is reading a patriotic comic book. What "virtue signaling" actually is is just outward expressions to impress the tribe you feel you are a part of or want to be included in. Anybody who endured teenage educational systems understands "virtue signaling." While not all outward expressions are "virtue signaling" (most are just expressions of your inner self, and celebrations of the things you actually love), many wind up being that. And the people most involved in "virtue signaling" are those who want to belong to tribes who most closely control your thoughts, beliefs, and desires. American conservatives are the biggest virtue signalers of all. They expect members to be super patriotic which causes them to fly as many flags as possible. They have to express pro-military stances. They must treat the national anthem as a religious rite. They must constantly voice their discontent for anything and everything their tribe has deemed liberal or woke. They must express their belief in and love of God as often as possible because it's expected of them, even if they're not even close to righteous or God-fearing. They will be kicked out of their tribe the moment they express any view that might be contrary to the tribe's philosophy. They often complain about cancel culture but they are the first to cancel anybody or anything who voices an opinion contrary to their view of reality.
One of conservatives biggest complaints is people online putting pronouns into their social media bios. They'll call that virtue signaling when it's actually just a useful tool. We are people interacting online! Why should anybody know the gender of anybody else? It's helpful to be all, "Yeah, just use he/him for me since my name is ValorousChipmunk88 and there's no way you'd know my gender if I didn't mention it." And, yes, it helps normalize a world in which we accept people for who they say they are instead of forcing our beliefs onto them. But conservatives see any suggestion to be helpful toward the community as a whole, or to be more inclusive in general, as an authoritarian move equal to, as they too often say, being labeled and put in a concentration camp. How dare anybody suggest they do take any action they weren't already going to take?! All of what I've just written would be seen, by them, as virtue signaling to increase clout rather than logical and rational facts about the world based on lived experience and observation. They're so deep in their delusional reality that they don't even believe mirrors exist so how can they ever get a really good look at themselves (that's a metaphor for looking inward!).
Imagine being such a touchy cuck that you can't even drink your favorite pisswater beer because they made one can with a rainbow on it. Hell, imagine being unable to enjoy rainbows, God's actual covenant with man to never again destroy them by flood, because it represents gay pride in certain circumstances. If it's virtue signaling to wear a rainbow shirt then what would you call it when you make a Tik Tok video in the middle of Walmart raging at rainbows on kid's shirts to the point that the teenage employees have to call the police on you? I know which one sounds more like virtue signaling to me! But then I'm just a guy with Trump Derangement Syndrome, if you listen to some idiotic comments on past posts.
I know I've already gone on quite a bit without talking about the comic book I'm ostensibly supposed to be talking about but now that I've mentioned Trump Derangement Syndrome, maybe I should say something about that too! American conservatives (and probably other foreign ones but I'm American so let me talk about the psychos I know) need to put derogatory, all-encompassing labels on people who see things for what they are and speak them plainly and rationally because they refuse to see those things rationally. Anybody who believes Trump is intelligent or a good leader or not a con man are the ones viewing reality through a distorting lens. Any person without right or left bias (if that even exists in the sense that the right has politicized any opinion at all, mostly to maintain their belief that people who want a better world simply say those things to appear a certain way rather than, you know, actually wanting a better world) who was forced to view Trump speak about anything would immediately determine he was a fucking idiot with language skills on par with a seventh grader. So the people with a "syndrome" are those who somehow see Trump as some charismatic genius who only speaks the truth. The problem with American conservatives is the same problem with people who believe in an afterlife: they'll never know they're wrong because they can't see past their own need to believe the things that justify their desires and the way they live their lives.
Okay, sorry, I'll get back to this woke comic book now. I'm assuming it's woke because it's about General Glory, a comic book character who beat the shit out of Adolf Hitler.
The issue begins with an old German man trying to murder an old American man.
Being the online Brainiac that I am who has achieved nothing but still points out his huge IQ test score from kindergarten, my speculation is that the old man is General Glory. No, no! I don't need laurels and ticker tape parades to celebrate my ability to comprehend the simplest of narratives! My father's love, which I assume I have although I don't talk to him anymore because conversations with him were intolerable, is all I need! Re-reading that previous sentence makes me think maybe I don't even need that! Am I free from the desperate need to make my father proud of me?! No, wait. I just remembered I never had that which is almost certainly why I'm such a slacker!
I don't know who the old guy is trying to kill old General Glory (even though he said his name. Knowing somebody's name doesn't mean you know who they are, you know?) but I'm really hoping it's Adolf Hitler using an alias! Oh no! I just typed out "Adolf Hitler" in my blog! The automated security systems might flag this review with a warning! I've already had about thirty old reviews flagged recently for containing the phrases "hand job," "blow job," and "glory hole"! Oops! Now when this review gets flagged, I won't be able to blame it on typing "Adolf Hitler"!
The one time I received a warning on Facebook and had a status update flagged was when I posted a quote by Adolf Hitler. I posted it for two reasons. The first reason was that I found the quote at the end of a Vision and the Scarlet Witch comic book from the 80s. Which was fucking weird because it wasn't used ironically or in a way to show how terrible Hitler was! The quote was used, I think, to explain how awesome comic books are! The second reason I posted it was because it summed up meme culture. It was Adolf Hitler pointing out how memes are the best way to manufacture propaganda and to capture the minds of the dimwit masses. So the quote just seemed perfect because rightwing idiots online pretty much gather all of their information and debate points through memes. My point was rightwing idiots are falling for the Adolf Hitler playbook! And Facebook was all, "Nope! You're going to get banned for this post!" Sort of a weird thing to ban somebody over if you don't want people thinking you're sympathetic to Nazis and Adolf Hitler!
"Dear Facebook: I am writing this criticism of the right-wing online playbook by showing that it's exactly the same as the way Adolf Hitler used propaganda to manipulate the masses and 'other' his enemies. It's an apt and intriguing viewpoint."
I don't know who the old guy is trying to kill old General Glory (even though he said his name. Knowing somebody's name doesn't mean you know who they are, you know?) but I'm really hoping it's Adolf Hitler using an alias! Oh no! I just typed out "Adolf Hitler" in my blog! The automated security systems might flag this review with a warning! I've already had about thirty old reviews flagged recently for containing the phrases "hand job," "blow job," and "glory hole"! Oops! Now when this review gets flagged, I won't be able to blame it on typing "Adolf Hitler"!
The one time I received a warning on Facebook and had a status update flagged was when I posted a quote by Adolf Hitler. I posted it for two reasons. The first reason was that I found the quote at the end of a Vision and the Scarlet Witch comic book from the 80s. Which was fucking weird because it wasn't used ironically or in a way to show how terrible Hitler was! The quote was used, I think, to explain how awesome comic books are! The second reason I posted it was because it summed up meme culture. It was Adolf Hitler pointing out how memes are the best way to manufacture propaganda and to capture the minds of the dimwit masses. So the quote just seemed perfect because rightwing idiots online pretty much gather all of their information and debate points through memes. My point was rightwing idiots are falling for the Adolf Hitler playbook! And Facebook was all, "Nope! You're going to get banned for this post!" Sort of a weird thing to ban somebody over if you don't want people thinking you're sympathetic to Nazis and Adolf Hitler!
"Dear Facebook: I am writing this criticism of the right-wing online playbook by showing that it's exactly the same as the way Adolf Hitler used propaganda to manipulate the masses and 'other' his enemies. It's an apt and intriguing viewpoint."
"Dear Tess: You have been warned. Do not ever post this kind of terrible argument. Are you against free speech?"
Anyway, that's why I only use Facebook to ostracize my conservative friends and family and to remember the hilarious things I said on that date from every year in the past. The "Memories" feature is the only good part of Facebook because I'm the only one of my friends who makes Facebook fun!
Oh shit. I forgot I was reading a comic book! This comic book review site is terrible! Might I recommend the Weird Science Comic Book Review Blog? It's even worse but at least they stick to talking about comic books!
General Glory pulls a Ghost World so that he doesn't hurt any more friends and family.
Speaking of Ghost World and Facebook, one of my status messages for which I didn't get nearly banned went like this: "My only regret when I die will be never wandering away from my home town on a mystery bus, leaving everything in the past forever." My best friend from high school Paul replied, "Didn't you do just that in your Volkswagen bus?" This revelation that I actually had pulled an Enid without realizing it myself was a moment of pure joy! Yes, I know the ending of Ghost World isn't supposed to be uplifting but then we're all made differently, aren't we? And while I didn't use public transportation to disappear into the urban wilds, I did hop on a bus and leave my hometown forever on a cross-country journey in my VW. Thanks for seeing that, Paul!
According to that panel where General Glory is lighting out for the territories, he must need a special phrase to transform into General Glory. But he's so old that he's forgotten it. This is why you should always write down your passwords and keep them somewhere safe! Like page 113 of Selected Writings of Gertrude Stein. I mean somewhere else that I just made up and didn't pull from my life! I don't even know who Gertrude Stein is or how to count to 113!
Max Lord heads to Russia to oversee the changing of the guard at the Moscow Embassy because the world was changing like crazy in 1990! Russians are finally able to freely listen to more Western music than just Billy Joel! Great times for the Russian people! Although terrible times for Billy Joel. The failure of the U.S.S.R. was the beginning of the end for him! Although he probably still had his fans working on fishing boats. "Did you hear the new Billy Joel song?! He mentioned the Beaufort Scale! I screamed my fucking head off!"
While Max is away, J'onn sits in his room eating Oreos while Guy Gardner makes plans to sexually harass a television news anchor.
According to that panel where General Glory is lighting out for the territories, he must need a special phrase to transform into General Glory. But he's so old that he's forgotten it. This is why you should always write down your passwords and keep them somewhere safe! Like page 113 of Selected Writings of Gertrude Stein. I mean somewhere else that I just made up and didn't pull from my life! I don't even know who Gertrude Stein is or how to count to 113!
Max Lord heads to Russia to oversee the changing of the guard at the Moscow Embassy because the world was changing like crazy in 1990! Russians are finally able to freely listen to more Western music than just Billy Joel! Great times for the Russian people! Although terrible times for Billy Joel. The failure of the U.S.S.R. was the beginning of the end for him! Although he probably still had his fans working on fishing boats. "Did you hear the new Billy Joel song?! He mentioned the Beaufort Scale! I screamed my fucking head off!"
While Max is away, J'onn sits in his room eating Oreos while Guy Gardner makes plans to sexually harass a television news anchor.
If DC doesn't want me absolutely thinking it's canon that Guy Gardner was checking out this woman's nipples, maybe they should think twice about their scripts and what will happen to certain words due to smudgy ink on newsprint.
Apparently there was an old rule to never use the word "flick" or to name a character "Clint" but then comic book publishers got cocky and were all, "The printing process is way better now! Use whatever words you want!" But the printing process never really got better until Baxter paper but then Baxter paper was ultimately shit and now comics are printed on something else that mostly doesn't turn "flick" into "fuck" and "Clint" into "cunt." I suppose using fonts that don't simply use all capital letters would help but comic book companies seem to avoid that for other reasons that I can't be bothered to look up. Probably readability or something.
It's also possible whoever created Hawkeye just thought, "I hate this character. I am naming him Clint so that nobody ever dares use him after this."
Guy Gardner learns that the 1942 comic book General Glory #1 is being auctioned off, the only extant copy! It's projected to sell for ten thousand dollars! We know, being there is only one copy, that the issue is rare and it's from 1942. That means the $10,000 price tag means it's an unpopular comic book that nobody fucking cares about. Except, of course, Guy Gardner!
Old Man General Glory also wants to get his hands on the issue because it contains the magic words needed to transform himself. Oh, now I see why the rarity and price seem to have nothing to do with each other. The comic has to be the only extant copy left so it's the only way General Glory can get the magic words. But that also means it has to be at a reasonable auction price so he (and all his rivals) can potentially get their hands on it. If the comic sold for millions, this whole situation would just be too ludicrous to believe!
The auction takes place at a comic convention so that the Giffen and DeMatteis can make fun of comic book nerds through Guy Gardner's voice. At least at first. Guy begins to come around to loving these dorks because he realizes that he was one of those young dorks once, finding an escape and joy in comic books when his home and school life were terrible. But that only lasts until some kid gives him a comic book reminder of a past humiliation.
It's also possible whoever created Hawkeye just thought, "I hate this character. I am naming him Clint so that nobody ever dares use him after this."
Guy Gardner learns that the 1942 comic book General Glory #1 is being auctioned off, the only extant copy! It's projected to sell for ten thousand dollars! We know, being there is only one copy, that the issue is rare and it's from 1942. That means the $10,000 price tag means it's an unpopular comic book that nobody fucking cares about. Except, of course, Guy Gardner!
Old Man General Glory also wants to get his hands on the issue because it contains the magic words needed to transform himself. Oh, now I see why the rarity and price seem to have nothing to do with each other. The comic has to be the only extant copy left so it's the only way General Glory can get the magic words. But that also means it has to be at a reasonable auction price so he (and all his rivals) can potentially get their hands on it. If the comic sold for millions, this whole situation would just be too ludicrous to believe!
The auction takes place at a comic convention so that the Giffen and DeMatteis can make fun of comic book nerds through Guy Gardner's voice. At least at first. Guy begins to come around to loving these dorks because he realizes that he was one of those young dorks once, finding an escape and joy in comic books when his home and school life were terrible. But that only lasts until some kid gives him a comic book reminder of a past humiliation.
This counts as a Lobo appearance.
An announcement that the auction is going to begin causes Guy Gardner and General Glory (Oh! GGs! Like me: Grunion Guy! (That's my real fake name! Tess is just what some people call me even though the name of the website is all about the phonetic sounds and not about a real person named Tess drinking redundant tea!)) to bump into each other. They exchange pleasantries in that way that Guy Gardner exchanges pleasantries which means Guy treats his hero like shit.
Hey General, I wouldn't be making light of other people's haircuts when you're sporting the "hair island".
The bidding begins for "the rarest comic book in existence" and Guy bids ten dollars and an ass beating for anybody who bids against him. The only person who challenges him is General Glory himself! The old man forces Guy to buy the comic book for five thousand dollars so at least that's some justice for whoever was selling the rarest comic book in existence that should have garnered a full ten thousand dollars! The Nazi attacks the auction after Guy gets his comic book but fails, disappearing into the crowd before Guy can kill him.
Later, the old man follows Guy back to the JLA Embassy and offers to give Guy five thousand dollars to get a glimpse of the comic book. Guy relents and General Glory finds the stupid patriotic saying that turns him into General Glory.
Later, the old man follows Guy back to the JLA Embassy and offers to give Guy five thousand dollars to get a glimpse of the comic book. Guy relents and General Glory finds the stupid patriotic saying that turns him into General Glory.
Totally unrealistic. After all those years as an old man and suddenly finding myself young again, I'd definitely have a major boner trying to bust out of that spandex.
Justice League America #46 Rating: B-. Why the fuck should I care about some old geezer superhero that was just invented by Giffen and DeMatteis in this issue?! I don't even give a shit about the Justice Society of America and they're characters with a long history in the DC Universe. It's surprising because I'm fifty and you'd think I'd really be into geriatric super heroes by now! I was probably more into the Justice Society of America when I was five except I wasn't reading comics when I was five. I was too busy hanging out with my super old neighbors or watching any movie starring Art Carney or Scatman Crothers! I totally had an old man fetish when I was a little tyke. I'm pretty lucky none of them were total pervs!
One thing I hate re-reading these old Giffen/DeMatteis Guy Gardner stories is the way they characterize him. I get if they want to make him arrogant and abrasive and intimidating. But why make him amount to little more than a petty super villain? For a guy (Guy!) who was actually chosen by the Guardians of the Universe to be a space cop, meaning he has an inherent goodness to keep justice in the world, he's portrayed as nothing more than a person who doesn't give a shit what kinds of laws he breaks as long as he's satisfying his own desires. Why would Guy Gardner basically try to steal through intimidation a rare comic book he wanted? And why would he manhandle an old man who is just as interested in General Glory as he is? Giffen and DeMatteis take the joke that Guy is an asshole too far. He is a Green Lantern! At the very least, Guy should be just and lawful within the parameters of being an arrogant jerk. Is that too much to ask?!
One thing I hate re-reading these old Giffen/DeMatteis Guy Gardner stories is the way they characterize him. I get if they want to make him arrogant and abrasive and intimidating. But why make him amount to little more than a petty super villain? For a guy (Guy!) who was actually chosen by the Guardians of the Universe to be a space cop, meaning he has an inherent goodness to keep justice in the world, he's portrayed as nothing more than a person who doesn't give a shit what kinds of laws he breaks as long as he's satisfying his own desires. Why would Guy Gardner basically try to steal through intimidation a rare comic book he wanted? And why would he manhandle an old man who is just as interested in General Glory as he is? Giffen and DeMatteis take the joke that Guy is an asshole too far. He is a Green Lantern! At the very least, Guy should be just and lawful within the parameters of being an arrogant jerk. Is that too much to ask?!
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