Aquaman #2

"To the bone!" might not be the best cover copy on a story entitled "Single Wet Female."

In the letter column of last issue, it was mentioned that this issue was going to have a shocking ending. Hopefully it's something other than "Aquaman loses his hand" because I don't think I can find something I know is coming "shocking." Thanks, cover spoiler!

Anybody else remember Caitlin Ryan? If yes, get her out of your head, you stupid prick! She's my eternal crush!

The big shock ending also isn't that Charybdis's girlfriend is named Scylla because that isn't revealed at the end of the comic book nor is it shocking. That's discovered on page two (page one if you're a twelve year old nerd who has read every book on mythology in their elementary school library so when you saw Charybdis's unnamed girlfriend (or sister? (dammit! Now I'm horny!)) on page one, you think, "Oh yeah. That's totally Scylla." Then you start humming The Police's "Ring Around Your Finger").

The death of Garth isn't the shocking ending either because he's saved from the circling sharks by the hottest silhouette I've ever seen.

The silhouette of the nurse on Seinfeld when George's mother is in the hospital is a close second.

Charybdis has captured Aquaman and Dolphin so he can siphon their psychic powers and grow powerful enough to enact his evil master plan.

He's going to fuck the world!

The shocking ending isn't when Charybdis blows Scylla's brains out because he upset that she left him when she died previous to getting her brains blown out. That's shocking but it happens on page 5 and unless I'm willing to stop reading, that's not the shock ending I was promised and which had better not be Aquaman losing his hand. Also, if you didn't follow the initial sentence, it's because I left out the detail that this current Scylla was an actress being paid to play the part of Charybdis's dead girlfriend (and maybe still sister?).

Meanwhile, the sexy silhouette who Garth idiotically thinks might be Tula because Garth apparently forgot how small Tula's breasts are sends Garth off to Charybdis's headquarters. But then she leaves the story because this is a Comics Code Authority comic book and you can only have so many panels of naked women before a bunch of old prudes start frowning your way. Weirdly enough, you can have as many brains blown out as you can draw and everything will be fine.

If the Comics Code Authority knew I want to have sex with that hole, they'd realize their terrible error in judgment.

Charybdis introduces Aquaman to his new pets, a few piranha. Aquaman, not having seen the cover, doesn't realize what's in store for him. Hopefully what's in store for him isn't on the last page because I'm still relying on a really satisfying shocking ending that hasn't been ruined by the cover.

Garth arrives to steal Charybdis's biggest gun and blow Charybdis's undersea headquarters to smithereens. Everybody escapes the destruction and Aquaman chases Charybdis onto land, through the jungle, and at the edge of a river where Aquaman says the absolutely wrong thing.

Dammit! This would be so much more dramatic if the cover hadn't ruined it! Now it's just lousy dramatic irony!

Anyway, the big shock ending is Aquaman's hand being eaten down to the bone by piranhas. It also might be that the piranhas ate Charybdis as well. But since nobody ever cared about that guy, that can't be the shocking ending. Maybe the shocking part is that Dolphin actually says something.

Aquaman #2 Rating: B. Zero Hour happens after this issue so it's basically a coin flip whether or not these first two issues even matter anymore! I suppose I just decided to believe that Aquaman ceased to exist after Zero Hour and I stopped buying the comic.

Aquaman #1

In 1994, Aquaman was reduced to playing at State Fairs with only 1/3 of his original band.

It's as if the cover artist was only told that Aquaman would have long hair in this series three minutes before the cover was due. Or maybe Aquaman's insane hair is simply there to distract from whatever the fuck is going on with his legs. I know he loses a hand in this series but I didn't know he started off missing his left leg below the terribly misshapen thigh.

Don't look so shocked that I own an Aquaman comic book! Think of it more as owning a Peter David comic book. And even Peter David couldn't keep me reading Aquaman because I only have two issues of this series. Cue King Beauregard linking to Ookla the Mok's song, "Arthur Curry," in the Disqus comment section.

It's seems crazy to me that Aquaman has the worst costume of any major DC hero and yet he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Think about how unappealing the 1986 camouflage Aquaman suit must have been if editorial decided to go back to this orange and green eyesore?

If I had been editing this comic book in 1994, I would have put this copy on the cover: "This isn't your father's Aquaman! This Aquaman is your father!" How did "long hair on an old guy with a full beard" translate into "Aquaman is super cool now, kids!"?

I probably should just put this comic book back in its protective casing rather than read it since it's one of the few comic books I own that might be worth something. It's definitely in mint condition (or near mint since, you know, I breathed on it), probably because I never actually read it. I don't know for sure that I read it but it is an Aquaman comic book so Vegas is giving pretty shitty odds on my having read it. Unless I mean good odds? Which odds are good and which odds are bad? I would say shitty odds are things like winning one dollar for every five dollars bet. But that just means the odds of winning are good so that probably means they're good odds, right? So maybe read the opposite of what I wrote in that Vegas odds sentence.

"They" have never had a wet dream, apparently.

That previous caption might sound like I've eaten my own semen while having a wet dream but I totally didn't.

That previous sentence might sound like I'm protesting too much but I don't know what that means and, anyway, you tasted your semen during your wet dream!

Aquaman hopes he's dreaming but he can feel and taste and smell and remember and read, so he's pretty sure he's about to die. The way I know I'm dreaming is that when a dream becomes increasingly uncomfortable or horrific, I often think, "You know what? I bet this is just a dream!" And then I wake up. Which is totally a mistake! I need to train my brain to stop waking up once I realize I'm dreaming and start taking control of the dream. Although I'm not sure how enjoyable a dream would be if I were consciously in control of it. Then it's not a realy dream anymore and it just becomes an IMAX daydream. The great thing about dreams is that they're surprising. It's the only way a person can truly surprise themselves. Hallucinogenics help a bit but you're still in some kind of control. I once thought I invented comic books and that Jupiter was following me around a strip club parking lot while on mushrooms but I've never fucked a vampire as the sun rose and turned her to dust while I orgasmed like I've done in my dreams!

Hey, some of my dreams might be problematic or completely gross but I didn't approve them! Like the one where I murdered the old lady so I could live in her house but I didn't want things to seem too suspicious by covering it up so I just propped her corpse up in the corner of the living room. Or the time a friend made me a personalized flavor of Moon Pie called "Murdered Baby's Soul." Dreams are like presidential campaign ads that don't have the candidate saying, "I approve this ad!", at the end of it.

Aquaman was dreaming. Also, he sleeps in a regular bed with sheets and blankets in a cave under the ocean. I would have had him sleeping in a giant clam shell with a manta ray comforter.

Garth visits Aquaman in his cave which isn't full of water so I guess the bed is forgivable. But it doesn't explain why Aquaman was floating over the bed tangled in his sheets. Maybe that will be explained in the post-Zero Hour continuity.

Aquaman hasn't been seen in weeks and hasn't been answering his JL pager (Ha ha! Old technology! So funny!) so Aqualad has gone looking for him. He finds Aquaman sitting in his own filth and coral. He probably heard one too many jokes about speaking with fish and he's had it with topsiders.

Aquacave?! Guess who has Bat-Penis envy!

Garth was worried about Arthur and has come to help him which is why he begins screaming at him and pushing him around. I know being berated and treated like shit is the only way I've ever gotten any kind of breakthroughs in therapy.

Garth and Arthur get in a fight and the art confirms that the cave is definitely filled with water. So that bed really doesn't make any fucking sense at all. At least it confirms that Aquaman isn't possessed by the devil.

After Garth gets his ass kicked, Aquaman begins to feel better and is ready to go on an adventure with Aqualad. Oh, so that was Aqualad's plan! Smart kid whose willing to take a severe beating from a friend just to put a smile on their face. I never would have thought of that. I would have thought, "My friend is really feeling down! I should be empathetic and compassionate while listening to them vent their problems!" But now Peter David has taught me another way. Punch my depressed friends in the face so that they can have a good time fighting back! This is a game changer!

Aqualad is on a military mission for the United States Government. A nuclear submarine has been sunk and it's lying too low on the ocean's bottom for the military to deal with it. For some reason, they think Aquaman, being the water guy, can handle a submarine leaking radioactive material. I'm just going to assume Superman was still dead at this point and Batman's back was still broken. I don't know why Wonder Woman wouldn't have been tasked for this mission unless it's just because the U.S. military is full of sexist jerks.

Aquaman and Aqualad begin to investigate the ship when they're attacked by Lupo the Butcher.

Does Garth die?! That would make this Aquaman series cool!

Murder Chef was the one who requested Aquaman be sent on this mission. If the military didn't acquiesce, he was going to blow the nuclear submarine apart. I knew it was fucking suspicious that the military asked Aquaman for help! Even Aquaman should have known better!

Aquaman is captured by Murder Chef who introduces himself as Charybdis. He wants Aquaman for his life force or something. Previous to capturing Aquaman, he's been draining Dolphin of her life force. I don't know anything about Dolphin except that she had nice nipples in her Who's Who entry. Let me dig it out and show you.

That diver just came in his scuba suit.

Don't be surprised or creeped out that this fact was lurking in my memory. I grew up in the pre-Internet era! You had to find sexually stimulating material wherever you could! And you were fucking grateful for it! This was as great a find as the succubus or the Type V demon in the D&D Monster Manual. Hell, I even jerked off to the Caryatid Columns in Fiend Folio!

Aquaman #1 Rating: B. I might have given this issue an A+ but Dolphin lacked the visible nipples I'm used to her character exhibiting. But this issue still gets a worthy B because Garth was left bleeding in the ocean while the sharks circled. He's totally going to die, right? Although I never purchased Issue #3 so I'm guessing I was disappointed that Garth didn't die. Still, you'd think Aquaman losing his hand (spoiler for next issue!) would have kept me intrigued. I bet in 1994, I read this series and was all, "Fucking Aquaman! Like anybody actually cares about the environment! Fucking virtue signaler! [Sorry I Coined the Term "Manic Pixie Dream Virtue Signaler" in 1994 by Me] His excess of caring makes me love oil and corporations now! It's his fault I'm such a selfish asshole!" Man, I was pretty cool in 1994. Now I'm almost 100% pure virtue signaler! Oh, Aquaman! I judged thee by my youth alone and could not see past your idiotic power to speak with fish to lay my sight upon the wisdom of your passionate defense of our only world!

Eclipso #7

Eclip clippity clip clippity clip clip clipso. Black Diamond dust will rub off when I eat your soul.

As soon as I saw this cover, I realized DC had made a huge mistake. If Ted McKeever had been doing the art since the first issue, this series would have been a huge hit! I mean a huge hit to me. I think less comic book lovers at the time would have expressed a fondness for Ted McKeever's art. They were all jerking themselves off over the wild young artists at Image Comics, many who maybe never took an art class where they had to draw a nude model but also seemed to realize that what comic book fans had been waiting for were faces drawn with lots and lots of lines added in. For years, I thought all the characters in WildC.A.T.S. were either really, really old or really, really dirty.

I grabbed this image off the Internet as an example of that guy's face but I can't stop staring at Titties McSuper Crotch on his right.

A few comic book fans who are real fans (and I won't be replying to comments that suggest I'm gatekeeping because we all know who the real fans of comic books are, don't we, my virginal nerds in dark basements without any friends or family whose most proud possession is an Alpha Time Vault and whose biggest accomplishment is leveling up their magic user enough to cast Level 9 spells) have instantly become disgusted with my suggestion that Ted McKeever's art is somehow superior to Rob Liefeld or early Jim Lee's work. And I'm sure they'll be writing angry and scathing comments after they get done jerking off to Titties McSuper Crotch.

For those who aren't real comic book fans and only believe they're comic book fans so they can fervently scream at anybody on the Internet who might suggest otherwise simply because they don't actually read comic books but you haven't heard how many times they've watched Blade: Trinity, let me scan an example of a Ted McKeever face (minus his version of Titties McSuper Crotch. If you need his version of that, just take a look at my Extremist reviews):

You don't think I know that my theses that McKeever's art is better than early Image art is now on shaky ground?!

I suppose my only defense would be a passionate plea to the jury to keep in mind artistic style and an artist's unique vision while also considering that art isn't necessarily better just because you want to fuck it. I suppose I have to give the crew at Image kudos for producing raw and imperfect images that managed to provoke some kind of reaction in the brain that was akin to blood coursing to one's genitals. Even when I criticize Liefeld or Lee or McFarland, I realize that their art contained a kind of wild exuberance that a lot of younger fans at the time had never seen. A lot of comic art had fallen into a stale and mediocre sameness that made one think comic book arts had become bored and jaded. The guys who would eventually found Image Comics seemed excited to be doing their dream job and that excitement jumped from the page and enthused a whole generation of comic book readers. The reason I didn't give a shit about it was that my aesthetic preferences lay in a different direction. I wasn't upset that more traditional art was being supplanted since I found a lot of it stodgy and devoid of life. I just wasn't into more grit, more muscles, and more "realism" (in quotes because I'm not going all-in with my intellectual bankroll on suggesting that the Image guys could draw realistically); I was into a bit more cartoony style, maybe a little closer to animation, with thicker lines and more expressive faces (more expressive in other ways than just gritting teeth), with Chris Bachalo and Kevin Maguire two of my favorites.

And even though this will completely destroy my defense of Ted McKeever's art but I can't help but be as transparent as possible (unless it comes to saying when I lost my virginity because nobody wants to hear stories about somebody losing it that young!), I wasn't always thrilled with McKeever's art back in the 90s. I think it's like drinking coffee black. When you're young, you just don't appreciate bitterness like you do when you're older and worn out and life's zest lies crumpled on the floor covered in drying jizz. You just can't appreciate some things until life has taken you by the back of the head and screamed, "Oh? You love wonder? You love the excitement of experiencing new things and discovering more of the human mystery of existence? Well have as much as you like!" and then it smashes your face into the puddle of wonder you've made on the floor and rubs until you're choking on it. You're never quite the same after that. It's as if cute and amazing and wonderful don't quite flip the switch in your brain anymore so you need bitterness and pain and the kind of sex where you're not entirely sure you're going to live to see orgasm.

The sad part about the loss of innocence and the death of wonder is how fast it happens in the Internet age. I guarantee there are teenagers who probably have an outlook as bleak as the one it took me forty-five years to develop. Here's to you, my young brothers and sisters drowning in existence!

There wasn't a full moon on February 12th, 1891.

I looked up the full moon fact. I just didn't happen to know it as I was reading this comic book. I didn't spit out my bitter coffee and exclaim "Insolence!" after I read it. The phase of the moon was closer to what is seen on the cover than what is seen on this page. Also, why is the full moon so prominent in all of these issues of Eclipso? I would think the new moon would be more important since that's when an actual eclipse can occur. Or is Eclipso more powerful during a lunar eclipse because that's when things get super dark? Although isn't a lunar eclipse less dark than a night just before the new moon because the moon is hanging out with the sun and there's nothing but stars in the sky for light?

Maybe I just don't understand Eclipso and his stupid moon powers. Maybe the writers don't either since they're the assholes who decided Eclipso's palace, where he'd be safe from the sun, should be located on the dark side of the moon which is anything but safe from sunlight. I hate Eclipso. I'm glad this is the last issue of the series I purchased!

Oh yeah! This is how Eclipso works. The moon is just set dressing!

This is why I was happy to see McKeever doing an issue of Eclipso. His art works quite nicely for a horror comic. Also, that earlier scan of his goofy looking people? I shouldn't have been too harsh on it because that's exactly what British people look like.

This is Eclipso's first time back in the world of men since the gigantic Black Diamond he was encased in was taken back to London and cut into thousands of smaller diamonds. He is only now discovering the extent and limits of his returned powers.

Eclipso goes on a rampage as the judge, discovering that he must first fulfill the vengeful wishes of the person he's possessed before he can move on to his own plots. He also discovers that the sun evicts him from the body and he is returned to the dark side of the moon. He also learns that if he hides from the sun, he can remain in possession of the body. He learns this because he's also possessed Irene Adler. She's a fictional character form the Sherlock Holmes stories but since she's also a character in this Eclipso comic book, she's still fictional. I think it's okay to pretend she's real in a fictional story. I'm certainly not complaining or else I wouldn't constantly rave about Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Eclipso #7 Rating: B. Ted McKeever's art does most of the work since this issue is basically just a primer for readers unfamiliar with Eclipso's powers and limitations. The moon doesn't come into play at all so I don't know why every issue insists on a full one. Maybe it's because the same writers that think the dark side of the moon is actually dark also think that the only way an eclipse can happen is during a full moon. Because how can a crescent moon block out the entire sun, right?! Ridiculous!

Eclipso #6

How many issues did this run before Giffen just used "The Vengeance of Vengeance"?

It's April 1993. No wait. Cover dates on comic books were always off by about three or four months so that corner stores would leave them on the display racks longer even when most of us losers were buying our comic books at dedicated comic book stores.

January 1993. Twenty-one year old me, totally not a virgin for at least a couple of years by then and maybe more if people I lied to about losing my virginity are reading this rather than strangers on the Internet, was totally not a virgin. That's the end of that story. It's absolutely not fiction. It also has nothing to do with that same guy purchasing this comic book which the prosecutor trying to prove that I was totally still a virgin might present as evidence. "Members of the jury. Would a person whose dick had once been touched by another person waste their time reading this?!" Then they'd whip Eclipso #6 out from behind their back and the members of the jury would gasp, some of them quickly scribbling notes and/or doodles of me not getting my dick touched. Then I'd lean over to whisper in my counsel's ear, "Shouldn't you object to that?!" And my lawyer would look at me perplexed and say, "Look at the judge snickering! He'd totally overrule an objection on those counts, you virgin!" Later, after the judge sentenced me to being laughed at and ridiculed by my peers for my lack of sex, I would mutter between sobs as I fled the courtroom, "I'm going home to play Warhammer!"

None of that really happened. I mean, I did lose my virginity! But even in California, there isn't a court where they put you on trial to determine whether or not you've had sex. Mostly surfers just guess that you haven't and make fun of you no matter how many times you show them pictures of the person who let you do all of those disgusting things to them.

At the end of the last issue, Eclipso had let Bruce, Mona, and The Creeper go. So this issue begins with Eclipso changing his mind and attacking them in the jungle. It makes sense if you think about how Giffen and Fleming have to write a script which depends on certain plot beats to maintain a feeling of chapters from month to month. It doesn't make much sense if you sit down and read the story in one sitting. Except that Bruce explains it to Mona and the readers by saying something like, "It's Eclipso! He loves to play games with people! Especially me!" Ha ha! What a narcissist!

Mona is grabbed by Eclipso and she screams, "Go on without me!" But The Creeper saves her and then he's caught and Mona screams, "We can't go on without him!" She's my perfect woman!

Ha ha! Creeper's levity has already made me forget about all of the children Eclipso killed last issue!

Eclipso chases Mona and Bruce through the jungle, screaming like he's a monster in an EC Comics horror book. It might have been tense and scary to a ten year old in the Fifties but it's not moving this 48 year old's needle in the Year of Your Stupid Lord 2020. I'm even wearing my "Approval is an authoritarian construct" t-shirt in solidarity with that 50s ten year old!

At first I thought the lizard was smoking a cigarette.

Being in the jungle, Bruce, Mona, and The Creeper eventually have to cross a rickety rope bridge over a huge canyon. It's practically mandatory in a jungle adventure. I have my hero, Tom Tropics, traverse four in the first chapter of "Tom Tropics, Missionary Adventurer." I don't want to spoil the exciting surprise but all of them break as he tries to cross them! My agent said it was stupid but I countered with "Oh yeah? By the fourth bridge, I bet you totally didn't think I'd break another one under him!" And my agent was all, "Were there four bridges? I stopped reading after the second one when I noticed the same typo in the text. Did you just cut and paste the scene four times?" I then triple countered with, "You're fired, jerko!"

The bridge breaks on the heroes of this comic book too when they're attacked by bats. Maybe the bridge breaking is too much of a jungle adventure trope. What if I had Tom Tropics cross four bridges and none of them ever break? That would truly surprise the readers! Then maybe Tom will meet a native who speaks English and the native will say, "None of the bridges broke under you? You must truly believe in a powerful god! Please convert me and my tribe to your amazing faith!"

Eventually Bruce and Mona climb out of the chasm and into Brazil, free from Eclipso as the sun rises. The Creeper, on the other hand, plummets into the river at the bottom of the canyon. So he's obviously dead. But if you think they escaped Eclipso, think again, dumb-dumb! Eclipso wanted them to escape so that they'd warn America about the tainted cocaine which would somehow allow Eclipso to rule over Parador without anybody trying to stop him. I didn't try to work out the logic of the plan because I'm a comic book reader. What is logic to me?! I just take whatever the character says at face value and exclaim, "Gee! That was exciting! I can't wait to find out what happens next month!"

Eclipso #6 Rating: C. This month's examination of evil wasn't too thorough. I guess sometimes evil doesn't go balls to the wall with its plans. Sometimes evil just stares out of the window of the mansion of the person it killed and says, "Ah! My plan goes planningly! I will plan more plans when this plan is planned!" Then evil takes a nap.

Review of The Twilight Zone, Season 1, Episode 17: "The Curse of Oak Island"

I fell behind on watching The Twilight Zone episodes because I noticed that the new season of The Curse of Oak Island was available on Hulu. When I first noticed the show, The Curse of Oak Island, on Hulu, something nagged at the back of my mind. I started watching it and when they mentioned The Money Pit, a long lost memory of reading about The Money Pit hiding treasure on Oak Island while in Junior High came flooding back to me. I was hooked. Not long into the first season, I knew they were never going to find anything. But that made watching it even more enjoyable. Some people can't look away when they see a train wreck. I can't look away when I see people desperately waiting to see a train wreck that's never going to happen. These idiots have now spent millions and millions of dollars over six years (televised! They've been searching for the treasure even longer than that!) to find a few coins, two Bobby Dazzlers (Australian for jewelry, I guess?), a lead cross, and some pottery. But they still believe they're going to eventually find "the one thing" which will assure them the treasure is real and they haven't been wasting their time. Although I don't know what would be different if they found "the one thing." Because without finding "the one thing," they continue to go back to the island every year and throw millions of dollars into the money pit. The only people getting rich off of this treasure hunt are the people they hire to drill into the island.

Coincidentally enough, the latest episode of The Twilight Zone was also about some jerk who threw away all of his money in search of a fortune. The episode, called "Fever," iss about a righteous Midwestern man who winds up in Las Vegas with his wife on a free vacation. He's against gambling but that's only because he's never felt the thrill of it! As soon as he puts one dollar into a slot machine, he's hooked. He's got the fever, baby! And he just knows the island is going to eventually pay out! I meant the slot machine. If he just puts enough money into it, he'll win the ten thousand dollar jackpot. He stays up all night losing money until the machine takes his last dollar and breaks down. Upset not over his foolishness but over the machine cheating him out of one dollar, the man smashes it to the ground and is hauled off by security. He hasn't slept for over 24 hours which, in The Twilight Zone, means you have to throw yourself out of a window. Unless that means you're supposed to die of heart failure on the bed while dreaming you threw yourself out of a window. I think they're basically the same thing, at least for the person who dies.

The story seems to be a morality tale warning against the dangers of gambling. Unless it's warning against the dangers of strict adherence to moral platitudes. Because it's always the people who absolutely abstain from a thing who wind up diving dangerously into that thing when they finally submit to the temptation. I bet that's the real moral. Self-righteous people are just ticking time bombs!

Anyway, that's what the story seems to be. But I think the story is really just the tale of a mentally ill man succumbing to his schizophrenia. He begins hearing voices and he thinks the slot machine is calling to him. He is stricken with insomnia and unable to get any rest. He begins hallucinating that the slot machine is after him. He is convinced that he will win the jackpot if he just keeps playing long enough. He acts erratically, screaming at his wife and vandalizing the casino. Ultimately, unable to live in the world he thinks is real, he throws himself out of the hotel window and bleeds out on the streets of Las Vegas. Rod Serling says he took a detour through The Twilight Zone but really he was just suffering from abnormal brain chemistry. The poor guy. I don't think people knew that much about schizophrenia in 1959 so the guys that run the casino just take it in stride. "This kind of greed fever happens all the time," they say. "Just not to that extent!"

"Greed Fever" was probably part of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders up until the 80s when it just became Trickle Down Economics. "What's wrong with wanting more money at the expense of the middle class's comfort? Why shouldn't we change tax rates so that CEOs and upper management can make more money rather than putting it back into the company to provide health insurance, pensions, and cost of living wage increases to avoid paying 90% taxes on the income? That's not greed fever! That's just the common sense that comes with tying huge tax breaks to the same political ideology that believes in more access to guns and less access to abortions!" Too bad Rod Serling wasn't around to write scathing morality tales about Reagan-era greed! Just imagine all of the episodes he could have ended with people throwing themselves out of windows!

My favorite part of The Curse of Oak Island is when they find something and somebody, say Gary the Metal Detector Guy, says something like, "It's a hook!" And then the narrator, needing to make the show interesting and having graduated from Keith Morrison's Dramatic School of Narrating, says, "A hook? On Oak Island? Perhaps used for hauling treasure chests? Could it be a sign that the treasure is finally within reach? Is it possible that aliens made the hook and sold it to the druids who wrote a manifesto predicting the coming of the Templar Knights? For the Lagina brothers, it's a sure sign that they're closer than ever to discovering the secret of Oak Island." Man, that's good stuff!

My favorite part of Fever was when the wife screamed after her husband fell out of the window. She probably screamed because she was so surprised that the window broke so easily when he merely backed slowly up against it and then somehow flung himself out and over the sill. Maybe schizophrenics are more nimble than average people. I bet the next day, she sued the hotel for such shoddily built and unsafe windows and won way more than ten thousand dollars. Then she probably fucked a young Wayne Newton. Maybe I'll start writing a The Twilight Zone fan-fiction series entitled "The Next Day" so I can continue the stories of all the people in the episodes. Like that guy who was fucking the robot on an asteroid and he had to watch as the rocket ship pilot casually shot her in the face because she was too heavy to take back to Earth. That guy probably murdered everybody in the rocket on the journey back home.

Eclipso #5

Oh, it's happening!

Actually, it's probably not happening seeing as how the copy at the top of the comic book says "Illusions of Vengeance!" Although I wouldn't have minded if DC suddenly had a new super hero called Tower of Pisa Arms Man. The Doom Patrol would have hired him. Or fought him.

Discussing Eclipso with King Beauregard got me thinking about our current state of politics. The only way I can imagine that nearly half the country are losing their minds to support a doddering, mentally unfit, racist, narcissistic imbecile is that their minds have been clouded by Eclipso. Has anybody noticed any of them wearing black diamonds? This has all just been a huge stunt for an upcoming Eclipso movie, hasn't it?

Everybody is enjoying the Super Bowl right now, most of them in communal gatherings of joy and good cheer, so I figured I should sit alone reading an old Eclipso comic book while my blood pressure shoots through the roof and I curse every choice I ever made that led me to this moment.

This issue begins with Bruce Gordon recalling the moment he first became Eclipso. It's totally not racist and imperialist at all. Take my word for it. I will not be providing evidence with a scan of the totally non-racist origin event because that's apparently the new bar for justice. Evidence just makes getting the preconceived conclusion take longer. Why prove to you that the conclusion I've already come up with is true? You probably won't believe me after witnesses and evidence anyway which would be your stubborn and stupid fault because I've already told you how things are. Bruce Gordon's Eclipso origin story doesn't have one problematic moment at all! It's a perfect origin story.

You can't arrest Bruce for this murder because it was a perfect murder.

Every time I run somebody over in traffic, I just keep driving because I think, "Did I just smash into that pedestrian? Or did he jump in front of me?!" Then I pick up something they dropped and say:

My collection of right shoes and broken sunglasses is enormous.

I'm not saying it's right to invade an indigenous tribe, refuse to acknowledge their cultural beliefs, take photographs they expressly forbade me to take, gotten angry because they destroyed my camera, threw the shaman off of a cliff, and then stole an obvious religious artifact to keep as a souvenir of my perfect murder. I'm saying you have to appreciate the context! And the context is that Bruce Gordon is a white man from Western Civilization which means he can get away with whatever the fuck he wants!

Bruce Gordon wakes up from the dream about his origin and then claims that he's a scientist while expressing thoroughly unscientific theories.

"The scientist in me knows that the evil I did was caused by a cut by a magic diamond which allowed a vengeance god who lives on the moon to take over my body! Science!"

As a "man" of "science," I know that nobody ever wakes up from a blackout tied to a bed and still has their pants on. Whoever put him there would have at least taken off his muddy boots! Yeesh.

My first dog's name was Fucky.

I'm not sure what kind of vibe Giffen and Fleming were going after when they decided Bruce Gordon would wake up tied to a bed with a kid nearby watching Bruce sleep but I think it was somewhere in-between horror and reverse pedophilia.

Bruce winds up shackled to a chair at a large dining room table sat across from Mona. He asks her what happened and she says, "When that gong sounded, two women appeared, dressed me at gunpoint and brought me here! You?"

Yes. Two women dressing Mona at gunpoint is pretty much the same as some creepy kid telling you that the noises you make when you sleep are the same noises that his pervert dog makes. Practically twinsies!

The more I think about the current state of the world compared to this Eclipso comic book that purports to be a study of evil, the more I realize a real world Eclipso would make sense of everything. I wouldn't have to believe that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered and made to look like a suicide if we knew Eclipso was a thing! Everybody would just go, "Oh, did you find a black diamond on him? Yeah? That explains it! Possessed by Eclipso, got caught, abandoned by Eclipso, and then killed himself when he realized what he did while Eclipso'd! End of story!" Then later when we discovered that all the MAGA hats were lined with Black Diamond dust, we'd all go, "Fuckin' hell. Well, that explains that mess!" Then in Great Britain, you'd discover that all the hard candy had traces of black diamonds in them which is why all the old people voted for Brexit. Or at least that's what people would claim instead of wanting to admit that all the old people are fearful racists.

Not to let all the young racists off the hook for voting for Brexit! But I'm sure if people died at much younger ages than they actually do, young people wouldn't continually get handed a fucking shit future that old people keep voting for even though they have no future themselves.

Chained to the table with Mona's extreme cleavage staring him in the face, Bruce Gordon comes to the realization that this is all his fault. While I want to agree with him, I'd lay some of the blame at Madame Xanadu's feet as well. How come that barn owl didn't see this coming and tell the Justice League that the end of the world was coming if they didn't get off their asses and do exactly what she says without proof or evidence? Maybe if Bruce Gordon had visited Madame Xanadu instead of going straight to the Justice League, everything would have worked out okay. Which means, I think, I can agree with Bruce Gordon! It's entirely his fault! Also, he did murder that shaman who cursed him to become Eclipso which brought Eclipso back which led to Eclipso murdering 85% of Parador so he could run drugs and kill off all the coke sniffers in the U.S. And, I mean, is that so bad? I think maybe I'm on Eclipso's side here. At least for the first part of his plan.

Although after imagining how many people are going to think I'm racist after that fact because I just remembered that most of Eclipso's coke will wind up as crack and distributed to poor, urban locations which are comprised of majority black populations due to decades of systemic racism in the United States government, I take back my endorsement of Eclipso's plan. It's as racist as Bruce Gordon's origin story! I mean, it's as racist as Bruce Gordon's origin story totally wasn't!

It's hard to remember the reality I'm supposed to be sticking with in my reviews because I absolutely don't give a shit or pay attention to what I type.

See? You can see how I might side with Eclipso's plan! If we could just forget the way the U.S. treated the crack epidemic as a failing of the people who wound up addicted to crack as opposed to an 80s pushback against civil rights by conservative politicians to help undermine (or strengthen, in way too many cases) white America's attitude toward black Americans, it's a good plan, right?! I mean, you probably shouldn't forget those things I just said. Never forget that conservative politicians did that. Fuck Reagan and Bush and their toadies forever and ever.

And then the comic book finally does something so perfectly perfect that I can't believe I stopped reading after Issue #7 (especially since Ted McKeever began doing art in that issue!). I mean, nowadays, I would have given this comic at least another six months for this perfect moment. Let me set the scene: earlier, the little boy wouldn't untie Bruce Gordon because if he did, his mother threatened to kill his dog. Now at dinner, Bruce and Gordon were served their dinner under silver serving trays. When Bruce's tray is lifted, he discovers the boy's dog roasted with an apple in its mouth (because that's how you roast things!). This is how the scene then plays out:

This moment is such a great nod to early EC horror titles and — for me at least — the first really horrific act of genuine evil. All the rest of the shit Eclipso has done has just been mindless violence.

Later, Eclipso decides to eclipse The Creeper.

How do you get this close to an anus joke so many times and never deliver?! It's not like this is a Comics Code Authority backed comic book!

It's times like this when I have to admit that the critics of my criticism who say I'm not subtle must be right. Because Giffen and Fleming's entire plan in this scene was probably to make the reader think, "It's going up his ass, isn't it?!" And in that way, they never had to go so low and vulgar because they knew his readership would do it for them. But still. I wanted to see Eclipso reference suppositories.

Eclipso stuffs black diamonds into Bruce and Mona as well before taking them and Creeper out for a drive through Parador. It's now become a living Hell with terrific new sightseeing destinations like the Shitting Demon, the Burning Crawling Lady, and the Pile of Dead Children on the Side of the Road. None of them get angry enough to become possessed by Eclipso so he drops them off at the border and tells them to get out of his country. It must be part two of his infernal plan! Have them shit out the diamonds in a U.S. toilet so that the rats and alligators become possessed, killing the next million people who don't do cocaine.

No, that's not the plan because they all vomit up the black diamonds before heading off down the last 20 miles before crossing the border of Parador into, I don't know, Urazil. I've done that one, haven't I? I can't think of any more South American countries to mix up!

Eclipso #5 Rating: B+. I really did enjoy the dinner scene. And letting Eclipso make reference to a pile of dead children was a nice touch too. A god who kills children?! Why, that's the very worst kind of God there is!

I know Christians can be naive so, yes, that was a shot at your God. Boom!

Batman #87

James Tynion IV and Guillem March team up to make me stop buying Batman.

Part of me just wants to write "UGH!" and be done with reviewing this comic book. But another part of me is hungry. But still another part of me, the one that is against just typing "UGH!", is outraged that I just paid five dollars for a regular issue of Batman because of a stupid glossy and thick cover and that part of me demands that I vent more fully. And yet that's not even why I'm fucking livid! That's just my first and most shallow complaint! I'd prefer if DC Comics just gave me a regular issue of Batman with a regular comic book cover and simply printed on that cover, "We know this is the exact same quality comic book that we'd sell for $3.99 usually but it has Batman in it which means it will sell way more copies than the other issues we sell and we want that sweet, sweet extra dollar per issue windfall!"

Complaint #2: The Riddler believes that a riddle without a solution is the greatest riddle.

Never mind that Guillem March drew The Riddler naked while he's thinking about the greatest riddle ever while on weapons grade amphetamines and he has no visible erection. That's a minor side complaint that I simply assume was on everybody's list of things wrong with this issue. But the revelation that James Tynion IV doesn't understand the concept of riddles is beyond criticism. It's post-critical! The entire purpose of a riddle is that it has a fucking clever answer! A riddle with no answer is a mystery and The Riddler isn't called The Mysteryer! A riddle with no answer is something The Mad Hatter might be into but not The Riddler, Mr. Scott-Snyder-Lite IV! And before some Riddler-loving cuck nerd decides to argue that what Tynion meant was that The Riddler loves a super duper challenging riddle, let me say this: "Then he should have fucking wrote that in the dialogue, shouldn't he have? Not that a 'riddle with no solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' But 'a riddle with a fucking super tough and challenging solution' is 'a riddle befitting a riddler.' Now go jerk off to your tepid Riddler sex role play Tumblr blog."

Just an aside about my use of the word 'cuck': it's just fucking funny to use! The only good thing the terrible incel Internet community (unless I mean the MRA community (unless I mean the PUA community (it probably doesn't matter. They probably mostly share the middle area in a Venn diagram))) has done for this world is to bring back the insult "cuck." I don't even care about using it in the historically accurate way! I don't actually care if Riddler fans' spouses have a little extra side of ass on the down low. It's just fun to say! Plus, if you say it to the kind of person who actually thinks "cuck" is a scathing insult, they get super fucking angry when called one! It's Goddamned hilarious.

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Riddler.

Yes, yes. March fixes my whole "The Riddler doesn't have a visible erection" problem from the first scan by implying one with his Riddle Wand here. But the main problem is why did March think The Riddler suddenly needed to look like Bernie Wrightson's Anton Arcane? The Riddler has always just been a skinny creep who was so into getting punched in the face by a muscular man in a bat costume that he planted clues that would ensure it happened. But I guess March has decided that his obsession needed to be mirrored in his physical appearance? Or is it a kind of pervasive attitude that Batman is such a scary and serious fucking cartoon hero that his villainous gallery of rogues has to be just as wickedly serious and horrific? Sometimes it feels like fans still feel as if the Batman television show was some kind of pernicious poison that, to this day, needs continual application of anti-toxin. "Batman isn't silly and his villains shouldn't be either," scream the rabid base of comic book fans that take this shit way too seriously.

Hey! Fuck you! I'm angry for valid reasons and not stupid comic book fan reasons! Don't try to use my own words against me!

Complaint #3: Guillem March's depiction of The Penguin.

See my previous argument for Complaint #2. Although there's a history of making The Penguin as creepy and fucked up as possible because nobody needs the image of Burgess Meredith playing The Penguin to already come to the conclusion that a short dapper fat man with a bird obsession isn't the most intimidating villain, even with the mob attitude and homicidal tendencies.

Complaint #4: Batman and Catwoman's banter.

My main complaint with this conversation is that Batman and Catwoman never once argue about whether they met on a boat or on the street. I thought that was how they always began conversations! Also, they don't call each other "Bat" and "Cat." I'm sure a lot of people are thrilled about this change. But to me, it's a slow reset to getting them back to a relationship that denies the strength of their love and commitment to each other. They're slipping back into professional modes of communication! Next thing you know, we'll find out that Alfred didn't really die! It was Clayface the entire time and Alfred simply let people believe he was dead so he could have a peaceful vacation for once in his long life of servitude to an obsessed man-boy with too much money.

Okay, that's enough poking fun at Tom King and the people who hated Tom King. I'm sure I'll get my fill of the Bat/Cat relationship whenever King's Bat Loves Cat comic book comes out. Let me be serious about my complaint in this paragraph (although not the kind of serious where I'm a comic book fan taking shit too seriously! The kind of "serious" where I pretend to be in an apoplectic rage which convinces a number of casual readers into thinking things like "This fucking Lobo fanboy wants to fuck Lobo in the face" and "Why is this nerd so obsessed with Supergirl's butthole? Can't he get a real woman down at the real club where he probably dances like a fucking dreamboat?"). Batman is supposed to be the World's Greatest Detective and yet he engages in stupid retorts like "What makes you think I don't have that device?" You fucking imbecile! What makes her think that was expressly stated by Catwoman when she said you wouldn't have needed to ask her if she was still with the body! Also, even Batman can't have that technology because it would take magic to use that technology and Batman is against magic which is why he keeps Kryptonite on hand to defeat Superman instead of the Ace of Winchesters.

Side Complaint #4: Guillem March draws asses in the uncanny valley. He wants you to know they're sexy asses that do more than poop and fart. But he tries too hard to make them sexy and they fall into the uncanny valley of sexy asses. Those are asses where you go, "No, no. I can see that that ass is sexy but I am not in any way going to put my tongue into it."

Complaint #5: The villains' plan is so complex that it relies on things that couldn't have been planned for happening.

This is a standard complaint of mine and such a comic book trope that I probably should have gotten over being upset by it twenty years ago. I suppose it's why I stopped reading comic books for ten of those twenty years though. A bunch of assassins planned to get caught so that one of them could escape so that Batman would be distracted by that one while the others escaped. Batman falls for it although this time there's a twist to a plan so well planned that it works no matter what the hero does: this plan was stolen! This plan was originally the Penguin's plan and he recognized it when the first part fell into place: five assassins came to Gotham and were caught by Batman. Yeah, see? That was part of this stupid plan! So at least The Penguin is going to interfere with this awesome plan. Although, being that the plan was so well planned, the person who stole the plan probably planned for The Penguin to recognize the plan and to interfere. So The Penguin interfering is probably now part of the overall plan.

Complaint #6: Batman builds a prison that even he can't get out of which means Deathstork gets out of it immediately.

Every time, right? Every time a hero does something that is super duper foolproof to the nth degree of foolproofness, they get fooled! Fool the DC villains once, shame on the DC villains. Fool the DC Villains twice, and, well, you know what? That's never actually happened because they've never actually been fooled once. They only get fooled in the ultimate issue of a story arc when the hero decides maybe they should redouble their efforts and buck up their willpower and believe in themselves slightly more than they did in the previous five issues.

Complaint #7: A Cheshire-sized clay body double was captured by Batman, hauled into custody by police, and locked up without anybody noticing.

Batman uses the word "clay" so I'm assuming we're supposed to believe this is some kind of non-Clayface clayface body double? Some kind of mindless automaton that walks and moves and blinks and breathes and acts exactly like a living person? Sure, it's not presented in that way. But the audience has to assume some level of intelligent trickery went down here or else they're going to read this and think, "Batman was fooled by a squishy, drippy sex doll? This is worse for the Batman mythos than when Kevin Smith had Batman confess to peeing his pants!"

Complaint #8: Both Deathstork and Cheshire tell Batman they're "playing a game."

Why do they call their terrible and vicious crimes a game? It's bullshit to make everything the villains do some kind of contest pitted against Batman. It inherently makes super hero comics less about trying to make the world a better place and more about how heroes are the cause of all of the trouble because the villains' only ever expressed motive is to best the heroes. It's lazy and ultimately damaging to the entire medium. Yes, I said the entire medium! That's not hyperbole! But that was facetiousness!

Complaint #9: Cheshire wears see-through undies and we never get to see them from the front.

Okay fine. Not all of March's asses are in the uncanny valley. That one is staunchly in the valley of cans. Sweet, sweet cans.

Complaint #10: Batman kills Cheshire.

Sure, sure. Cheshire is still talking after getting creamed by a semi truck so Batman didn't really kill her. But he should have killed her doing this and the only way we accept that she isn't dead after smashing her face into an advancing semi is because we, the reader, know Batman doesn't kill. Maybe Batman lovers would defend this as an accident brought on by Cheshire herself. But then what is Batman's defense in letting her get smashed by a truck instead of saving her from being smashed by a truck in the amount of time it takes him to smugly say, "Brace yourself"? This fits into my belief that Batman has killed dozens of people but they die later at the hospital after which he can pin the deaths on the doctors who failed to save them from the mortal injuries Batman gave them.

Side Complaint #10: Cheshire's last words are asking Batman how he survived her poison. I mean, she's obviously dying here and that's all she cares about? I would think she'd be all, "Tell my daughter I love her! ACK!"

Batman #87 Rating: C. I think I made my points. My main problem now is that I've declared I'm going to stop buying Batman but I'm not the sort of person who avoids staring at train wrecks.