Justice League Odyssey #2

Scanners have trouble with reflective surfaces. I wonder what would happen if I scanned a mirror?

Well, that's it for me! I scanned a mirror and the result was terrifying. I now owe Bloody Mary twenty dollars and am having the Candyman's baby. I'll see you all in Hell!

Ooh! Maybe I've accidentally transported myself into a mirror universe where I enjoy Joshua Williamson's writing! Although would that be a universe worth living in? It's not like I'd have become a different person where I had always enjoyed his work. I still have the memory of knowing he's a terrible comic book writer (even if he's not as terrible as Scott Lobdell, J.T. Krul, or Ann Nocenti. Although, in a way, he's worse because at least they're so bad that they're entertaining. Joshua Williamson's writing is as satisfying as cotton candy is to a raccoon). And if I'm reading Williamson's writing and thinking "This is enjoyable!" while also thinking "He's a terrible writer," I'm going to quickly begin hating myself (I'm assuming that in this mirror universe, I now totally love myself and don't think about death constantly). I guess there's no way to know if I've been transported into a mirror universe until I begin reading this comic book!

Ugh. This is, apparently, the same old universe. I still can't stand Jessica Cruz whose only personality traits are that she's a novice and suffers from anxiety. I also still can't stand Cyborg who's been around for nearly forty years and has yet to be given half the personality of a Jessica Cruz. And Azrael. I can't get started on how much I despise Azrael. Even if Knightfall had been the greatest comic book story arc to ever exist (which it is, by the way¹), I would still hate it because it gave us Jean Paul Valley, a character who is basically just a combination of Scrappy Doo and Cousin Oliver.

I think the main reason I'm reading this comic book that's written by a writer whose plots don't excite me and stars three characters I can't stand is that I forgot to drop it from my pull list.

Grade: C-. I suppose once you've read enough comic books, you've read all the comic books. This isn't a fault of the reader, of course! It's the fault of the lack of imagination of the writer! So here, once again, we have a villain (Darkseid) telling the heroes that they need to work with him to save existence. The heroes, being heroes, recognize the villain and attack him instantly. That's what makes a good hero, you know: a rush to a physical altercation! After Darkseid leaves because he told them what they needed to get the plot started, the heroes bicker because they're heroes that don't really get along. That allows for easy drama throughout the story! After that, they learn a little bit more so that the reader is left feeling like maybe they didn't waste four dollars on this bit of story even though they probably could skip every other issue and still follow along. And finally, the story ends with one of the heroes suddenly turning against the others.

This comic book is a good example of why ancient storytellers used "in media res." Because this is all boring set up. These first two issues were like going to a play and having to sit and watch them build the sets before being able to watch the show. We get it! There's no real reason for these four heroes to be working together, let alone for Darkseid. So Williamson has to spend a bunch of pages convincing the readers that they should buy into the conceit. Also, comic book readers are easily confused. If you begin a story in the middle of the story and don't immediately flash back to the beginning on page two to tell pages and pages of story that could have been guessed at had the story continued from page one, they'll go online and tweet about how shit your comic book is because it doesn't make any sense. None of us are very sophisticated readers! And my purchasing two issues of this comic book is proof of that!

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¹ By the way, it isn't.

Batman #57

Who are the editorial geniuses who chose not to rebrand KGBeast as iBeast? And Microsoft Windows 10 Demon?

Tom King wrote this issue so should I grade it before even reading it? Very well, I will: Grade: A+! That should give the anti-Tom King fanatics conniptions!

One of the dumbest complaints I've gotten from people who love my blog so much that they can't stop calling me an idiot is that I'm biased. As if that's some kind of insult! As if other comic book reviewers online are somehow so above bias that they can actually read a Scott Lobdell comic book without needing the number to a suicide prevention hotline on-hand. Yes, I'm biased! I'm biased toward writers that can tell good stories. If Tom King wanted to change DC canon by revealing Batman has Down Syndrome, I wouldn't fucking care as long as it worked in the story. Also, can we get a superhero with Down Syndrome? Maybe the next Robin?

For the record, my reviews aren't as biased as critics say they are. If I want to point out that 80s post-Omega Men Lobo is the greatest character DC ever came up with, that isn't me being biased. That's me being gay. I want Lobo to fuck me. Can you imagine how beautiful his cock is? Unless that's the only body part of his that isn't exactly like a human. He could have a spork down there for all I know. But believe me, I wouldn't be disappointed. Who could be disappointed by a surprise spork? Especially when it's also a cock?!

Tom King's fifty-six previous issues of Batman haven't all been gems. But most of them have been so well written that when I see the unbiased Internet critics shitting all over them, I realize that some fans don't understand the difference between "unbiased" and "incredibly fucking stupid."

This issue begins with KGBeast's father telling him a story about animals heading to St. Petersburg to worship God. King leaves the story hanging as he gets back to the Batman bit that everybody purchased this comic book to read. Just like he left us hanging about Dick Grayson being shot in the head. What's going on with that?! Is he dead? Was he wearing a Kevlar wig? Fans who can't get past ever single aspect of a story being immediately explained and then justified as to how it fits into the overall DC Universe and decades worth of canon stories are going fucking nuts!

This is a good example of why bad guys with guns don't work in comics and action movies. Because I need to believe that the hero wins out through their skill and ingenuity. Being shot at by dozens and dozens of men (or one man dozens of times as in this Bat-example) and not getting killed means the hero wins out through mere luck. Nobody can argue Batman avoided these bullets through skill and training. Batman got lucky this time.

Meanwhile in the children's story, the God-loving animals leap into a pit because they're stupid. Or maybe they each had faith they could leap the pit even after watching the previous animals plummet to the bottom. In either case (faith or stupidity), they wind up in a worse position than animals that rely on evidence and science-based reasoning. Which probably means they're going to have to eat each other.

To be fair and balanced on the critique of weapons in action movies and Batman comics, I can't see how Batman's batarang is any better. Unless that thing was laced with Ketamine, what the fuck was it supposed to accomplish?

The hare and squirrel are eaten first after the fox proposes a singing contest to determine who would become dinner. This is probably some sort of commentary on Fox news, right? I bet next, the fox challenges everybody to a debate on Venezuela to decide who's next. Which is basically what happens. Lastly, the fox pretends to eat himself so that his viewers think, "Oh! That's a great idea!" And so the pig dies too. I guess the moral should be coming up in a few pages. I bet it's something like "The Batman always gets his man."

The twist at the end of the tale is not that the reader never finds out what happened to the fox after he ate the pig. The twist is that Bruce Wayne also like having that story read to him! Who would have thought?! Another example of Batman and his enemy being two sides of the same whatever! "I never get tired of that," I said as I was well past being tired of it.

The fight between KGBeast and Batman ends with Batman firing his grapple gun into KGBeast's chin and breaking his neck. Batman leaves him to die in the snow exactly like how he left him to die that time he took off his arm. So I guess when KGBeast next returns, he'll have a prosthetic head?

Actual Grade: C. Maybe if I thought about the animal story and how it relates to the battle between Batman and KGBeast, I'd understand this story better and it would get a better grade. But sometimes you just don't have the energy to expend on analyzing a piece of literature. Mostly I don't see myself having that kind of energy for another three and a half years, thanks to Twin Peaks: The Return. Anyway, I guess we'll find out why Nightwing was shot in the face and how he survived it next issue? Maybe a starving bluebird took the bullet for him because a fox dared it to!

Justice League #10

This is obviously going to be a terrible issue.

I'm not exactly sure why I continue to read all of the Justice League books. I suppose I still retain a small part of the comic book fan I used to be. The one that wanted to believe all of the hype surrounding every big change in the DC Universe, as if it were part of a larger story that would somehow, eventually, resolve into a coherent plot. It's like when you believe life means something because how could it not? Experiencing the beauty and tragedy of this world practically forces a person into thinking it must all be for some reason. But eventually, if you're paying any sort of attention and haven't been completely brainwashed and deluded by outside sources that want to control and manipulate your every action (or, simply, by your own selfish ego that insists on eternal existence), you see the truth and you say, "Fuck you, Keats! Truth is not beauty at all! What the fuck were you talking about?! Truth is a dark pit of despair washing away all hope and wonder and screaming in your face, 'Sentience is an accident that will ultimately betray you!'" And that's how I've felt about Scott Snyder since the end of "Death of the Family." The good shit he wrote was an accident and he, ultimately, betrayed me. Sometimes I'm thankful when he ditches a project to let James Tynion IV take over. At least then I get to write speculative conversations about what Tynion did to become Snyder's lackey.

This issue is the prelude to Aquaman Month. It's not a coincidence that Aquaman Month is taking place in No Nut November (which, by the way, I refuse to believe is a real thing since isn't everything now just the creation of some wayward posting on 4chan or Reddit? The dark monsters posting there have become our true gods now). And now that I've mentioned not nutting, I'm suddenly not interested in Aquaman! Not that I was ever interested in Aquaman. That statement itself is not a wild proclamation. It probably ever needs to be written. In any description of anybody ever (like say an About the Author blurb or a Grindr profile), I automatically, in my head, append "Not a fan of Aquaman." Being a fan of Aquaman is the kind of thing you have to state and then restate after the person listening to you finally hears something you're saying and says, "What the fuck did you just admit to?" Also, they weren't listening to you up until that point because I'm assuming that if you're an Aquaman fan, you're boring as shit.

Oh, don't get me wrong about my dislike of Aquaman! I hate being on the same side of a debate as the people who make fun of Aquaman because they know you're supposed to make fun of Aquaman. Everybody knows he's the joke character of the Justice League and it's okay to make fun of him. I am the kind of Aquaman hater that Aquaman lovers despise. I am a well-informed Aquaman hater. I was there during his four issue miniseries where he got the blue waves costume and everybody thought Aquaman was going to be the next big thing in comics. It is true that series was worth a lot of money for the length of time it took everybody to read all four issues. But it didn't do anything for Aquaman. He still sucked. Now he just sucked even worse because he starred in a series that was basically a therapy session that he mostly just weeps in. I was also there for Peter David's attempt to make him angsty by giving him long hair and a hook. I would explain how well that changed Aquaman's standing if I could actually remember any of the series. In any case, he's just one of those things that keeps on sucking, no matter how many memes show him commanding sharks to jump out of the water to eat parademons.

Oh, sorry! I was going to speak about not nutting when I was rudely interrupted by my lack of reverence for Aquaman. Apparently people think not nutting helps a person to retain their chi and, thus, have more energy to accomplish things. I think that line of argument is true but in a way that nobody talks about. Refraining from jerking off while also not being able to get laid does not mean you suddenly have more energy stored up to accomplish greater things. But it's not about the saved energy at all. It's more about the distraction. If you want to jerk off, you think about jerking off until you've jerked off. Once you jerk off, your mind is clear. The desire has been satiated and you can move on without distraction. No Nutters live in a constant state of distraction. They constantly think about jerking off because they won't jerk off. And to keep themselves from jerking off, they need to distract themselves even further. So they do things that aren't jerking off while thinking, "Holy shit do I want to bust a load." I'd rather interact with people who have freshly jerked off (one reason I'm against shaking hands, by the way) or gotten laid because I know that whatever we're talking about, it's what they actually want to talk about. But if you're dealing with a No Nutter, you're dealing with somebody who is thinking about busting a nut the entire time you're interacting with them. It's disgusting. Go fucking jerk off, you gross withholder of self-gratification.

Anyway, enough about jerking off! Let's discuss the jerk-off, Aquaman!

In the prologue to Drowned Earth, Aquaman learns that evil water heroes that have also been rejected by their planets exist throughout the universe. They're angry at people thinking they're useless, especially when it comes to space travel and interstellar conflicts, and they're going to teach every person on Earth that water-based hero aren't jokes! Will Aquaman side with them or we will swallow his dignity and help those who can't stop cracking talks with fish jokes?!

Grade: C. Sometimes I wonder why expect this comic book to be about the relationships between the greatest heroes on Earth instead of realizing it's just about making them fight threats to the entire world (if not the entire universe). Sometimes I wonder if I spend money on this book because, deep down, I truly fucking despise myself. Whatever's going on, you can be assured that I'll be reading entire Drowned Earth story!

Lucifer #1

Lucifer's interpretation of "Dick in a Box."

This will probably be the only issue of Lucifer I purchase. That isn't a judgment on this comic book since I haven't even read it yet. It's just that I gave The Dreaming two issues and decided I didn't want to spend four dollars on the third issue. And I gave House of Whispers two issues but that's only because I bought the second issue before having read the first, after which I decided I was sorry I'd bought the second issue. And I didn't even purchase Books of Magic #1 because I hated Tim Hunter the first time he appeared. I'd rather have a series starring the Dead Boy Detectives.

Did anybody watch the television series, Lucifer? It mostly focused on what's wrong with television networks and the idiot executives who work for them. Somebody pitched a show about the Ruler of Hell abdicating his throne and moving to Los Angeles to run a club and somebody else said, "Can you make it more like Bones or CSI or, for you older assholes, exactly like Moonlighting?" What's worse, everybody nodded their heads enthusiastically and agreed that that would make it better. I suppose somebody had a lot of old Columbo scripts lying around that they wanted to get their money out of. So they passed them around to the jerks in the writer's room and said, "Update these with cell phones and today's modern language standards for more swears. You can probably cut a few minutes out of each episode because Lucifer won't be doing that thing where he says, 'One more question.' Fill in those spaces with some Hell stuff that will retain the interest of people seeking material about the actual premise of this show." Then a bunch of soulless writers (who were only now discovering how soulless they were) went to work turning a good idea into more dreary pap.

But enough about a terrible television show that, admittedly, had a pretty fucking charming Lucifer. Let's talk about how wrong I was about not purchasing the second issue of this series.

Oh, um, that was it. That was my talking about it. That was my positive review of this comic book. I'll write it more directly in the summation.

Grade: A. Writers of comic books don't generally know how to pace a story so that it causes intrigue. Rarely are the times I finish reading a comic book and think to myself while also speaking out loud to anybody within hearing range, "I can't fucking wait to find out what happens next issue, you stupid fuckers!" Mostly, I think either "This writer is trying to interest me in a second issue by not revealing anything at all," or "This writer just spelled out the entire theme of the series in an abundance of narration boxes and meticulous explication." Or I write online, "Scott Lobdell has no idea where this story is going." I remember when I was younger, I would often worry that I might die before the end of a story resolved in some comic book or another (as if I could somehow, post death, regret not experiencing the terminal issue). I can recall several story arcs in Hitman that affected me past the few minutes it took to read the comic. But that doesn't happen anymore. I can blame writers all I want but I have to reasonably assume most of the cause of my disinterest and lack of enthusiasm results from the death of wonder and the crushing wait of ennui that nestles softly over the aging person's face like a cat looking for warmth suffocating a newborn. And, likewise, I should assume that Dan Watters hasn't merely written something so grand and eloquent that I can't help but be infatuated by it. More likely, he has hit notes in the themes that resonate on my soul (which I must profess, using that term, that I don't believe exists but we writers use turns of phrase not because they're true but because, as I mentioned, they resonate). This is a story about Lucifer and there is suffering from the beginning. The suffering continues through to the middle. And the suffering races toward the end to proclaim, "Want more suffering? Pick up the next issue!" One might think that it's the most logical choice in the world, to write a thematic story about suffering around the character of Lucifer. But one might also forget that Ann Nocenti once wrote Catwoman for a few years without ever touching upon the theme of cats. So you might see how easily impressed I can be when a writer makes an obvious choice.

Of course, the choice isn't the main reason I'm impressed. Dan works the them in three separate stories: two involve Lucifer (one before he finds himself trapped in his own repeating Hell) and one about a detective whose wife is dying from a brain tumor. Being a story about Lucifer, Dan also makes sure to work in the conflict between fathers and sons. Since that's Lucifer's big chip on his shoulder, Dan has decided to explore the kind of father Lucifer became. And — big shock — it seems he's abandoned his son.

This is the paragraph of the review that speaks to the art, coloring, inking, and lettering. You can fill it out yourself. I'll just say none of it was so bad that it will keep me from purchasing the second issue. Although that's a really fucking low bar because I kept reading The Walking Dead years after Adlard came on board to draw characters that you could only differentiate by facial hair or sheriff hats. And I got all twelve issues of Michael Cray even though I'm fairly certain that artist was drawing during severe bouts of intense diarrhea.

Strangers in Paradise XXV #7

It looks like this should be called Strangers in Sparadises.

Terry Moore's newest take on the Strangers in Paradise women will almost certainly get your mind going with some serious questions. Like "Why are so many people in America fighting against a better country for all?" and "If gun lovers don't want to lose all access to guns, why aren't they striving for a solution to decrease gun violence instead of just shrugging their shoulders and saying, 'What can you do?'" and "If people in the media jokingly use racist gestures and Nazi dog whistles to piss off liberals, is it really any different than using them in earnest?" and "Isn't saying you're joking and not being earnest the best way to hide your earnest use of racist memes and turns of phrase?" and "This isn't a question but the modern Republican party is full of white supremacists."

It might also make you ask, "Who the fuck makes a pure black cover on a comic book since it instantly becomes a mass of greasy fingerprints?!" I mean, come on, Terry Moore! This might be the most important issue in America today! Stop making black comic book covers! Grade: A. Spoiler for the fans who just like lesbians: Katchoo and Francine haven't really interacted in this series. If this is a love story, it's more about a mother's love for her children. So this series might not be up your alley. Unless you're a sex pest with incestual tendencies! I mean, this book still won't be for you unless you're ready to work your severely warped imagination overtime.

Batman #50

Why is this an anniversary issue? Does DC not know how years work? Or weddings?

(If you want to know my thoughts on the Prelude to the Wedding story, you can read them HERE.)

I can't wait to get to the end of this comic book and think, "Well, that's that! Batman and Catwoman are now happily married and will be until one of them dies in a horrible bat-boating accident!" I'm overjoyed for them, taking this romantic step into a gloriously joyous future laced with dozens of annoying bat and cat babies! I hope Batcow gets to be the ring bearer!

The Joker has been trying to stop this wedding in every way he knows how because he wasn't invited. The big dumb-dumb should have just purchased a copy of this comic book like I did! It says I'm cordially invited right there on the cover! What does "cordially" mean, anyway? Doesn't it mean "injected with alcohol"?

Fact: Snickers' vampires grow their canine teeth in the wrong place. No wait. The fact is the artist of this piece is a dolt.

The story begins with Kite Man getting the crap kicked out of him by Batman and Catwoman because Tom King's hard on for Kite Man is legendary. It's so big and thick and veiny! I wonder what part of Kite Man Tom King likes best? Is it the kite part? Or the man part?

Batman and Catwoman decide to get married on the blood spot where Kite Man was defeated at the break of day. Because that's when bats and cats are most horny. It might also be the place least likely to have a Joker ruin it.

"Isn't it 'the' Joker, Grunion Guy?" you probably aren't now asking. But if you were, I might have to remind you that there are three Jokers in the DC Universe. Nobody has really elaborated on that too much. Maybe nobody was ever meant to. Perhaps it's just an easy way for DC editors to answer huge nerd critics of their comics.

Huge Nerd Critic: "How come the Joker wasn't act...."
DC Editor: "THERE ARE THREE OF THEM! CHRIST YOU NERDS ARE GETTING ON MY LAST TIT!"

Batman finds a judge for the marriage ceremony. His name is Wolfman and he's known as the Raping Judge. Not because he's into rape! That's a terrible thought and nobody should think it. It's because he's named after Marv Wolfman who is totally into rape.

Catwoman's witness for the marriage (her and Batman each get to bring one) is Holly Robinson. Not the Holly Robinson of 21 Jumpstreet fame (is she still famous for that? Or is she famous for marrying Barry Sanders?!) but the one that murdered all of those people who Catwoman was blamed for murdering. She has to break her out of Arkham for the experience. Batman should be totally cool with that and definitely won't be thinking, "What the hell?! How many times do I have to tell her, 'No crime! Bad kitty! You're going to be punished for sure!'" Then he'll think about her whip and smirk a bit and think, "Oh yeah. I see why she keeps doing crime now."

If you read that last paragraph and began developing a hot take on what I'm not saying around the words I am saying, just stop now. I'm just reporting what Batman was probably thinking. I'm not agreeing with his need to control Catwoman's thoughts and actions! That's all Bruce Wayne, baby!

The issue is made up of a lot of pin-ups by various artists. Laid out over the pin-ups are Batman and Catwoman's words. They're probably their vows but since I'm not done reading, that's just a guess. Anyway, the layout, where everything is kind of a mirror of the opposite page, is pure Tom King which probably pissed off all the Tom King haters. "He's just repeating everything in that way that means nothing except he's trying to be smarter than us! Why the fuck does he have to use form?! And tones?! And theme!? What's wrong with Batman punching stuff for eight pages straight?! So obnoxious!"

I began this review with the joke that the wedding obviously won't work out. This is comic books. Everybody read that initial paragraph and rolled their eyes and thought, "Yeah. We know this is a huge farce. It's going to end in disaster." But how many of you thought, "Grunion Guy probably really means what he's writing here. The big fag." First off, such language! Come on, imaginary reader. Be better! Second, I did mean it. I do mean it. I really hope that Tom King surprises us and he allows Batman and Catwoman to be happily married. Why not for as long as he's writing this book? Why can't they have part of their middle story be one where they get the joy of being together? Who is that going to harm?!

So now you know my secret. No, not that I'm a big fag! Sheesh. You people are terrible. I mean, yeah, that's my secret! But I wouldn't word it that way, you gross jerks.

Selina and Bruce have their big wedding kiss in the exact middle of the book which can't be a good sign for how it's going to end. I mean, they haven't had the wedding yet! They just get all dressed up and then meet, right in the middle, right there on the staples (okay, not exactly because the staples come the page before. But I blame an error in the layout of the advertisements. I see what you were trying to do, Tom King. I got you!). The big loving embrace. The big kiss in their wedding finery. The moment they knew was coming. And hopefully not the last moment they were happy. Don't you dare, Tom King, with your shitty mirror image story telling that everybody hates (I mean, not me! Just the dumb critics!), do that mirror thing with this story. Don't you begin hopeful, get to a middle that's the peak of happiness, and then descend into chaos, despair, and destruction! DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT, TOM KING!

This is the page immediately after the big kiss (and the pin-ups, of course! Every two page spread of story is followed by two pages of pin-ups and wedding vows). Things are already tumbling down the story's climactic peak!

Of course Alfred is Batman's witness. Even Alfred knew it would be him but he was too polite to assume so he still gets emotional when Bruce asks him. Or, rather, casually tells him like it's no big deal.

On the subject of the pin-ups: they tell the story of Batman and Catwoman across DC's history. It even feels like, in many cases, they use artists chronologically along the way (there are obvious places where this doesn't hold up. But it, mostly, feels fairly close to the mark). They even eventually get to the New 52 on the roof sex scene, and the recent double date with Clark and Lois. It's really quite sweet.

The wedding vows have a lot to do with one partner's thoughts on the other partner's eyes. It's romantic but not in that way that makes me think, "Oh boy! At the end of these vows, they're going to declare their undying love for each other!" The tone feels more like they'll cause me to exclaim, "Oh no! It sounds like they're both reaching the conclusion that maybe they shouldn't get married! But they'll still probably keep up the tradition of fucking on rooftops!"

Also, I'm nearing the end and not a single whiff of Batcow.

As Selina and Holly head to the wedding, Selina mentions that she's currently writing Batman a letter. So that's what the "vows" have been. Her letter. And Batman's letter to her (I'm assuming on the next page which I have yet to read, he'll confess to Alfred that he's also been working on a letter!). Both of which, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, seem to be heading to the conclusion that neither one will want to go through with the marriage because they feel it will go against, and possibly change, the very nature of the other person. So. You know. Shit.

And so, Selina declares, in her letter, that she can't marry Batman because it will kill him. And Bruce declares in his letter, that maybe he can become somebody happy. Maybe he can change. Which isn't exactly what I expected. I thought they would both agree. So, at least, Tom King surprised me on that level. And, apparently, that was the point since Holly goes back to Arkham to discover Bane and a bunch of other people who have been highlighted in Tom King's run (along with Poorly Shaved Batman. I don't remember if that's somebody or if that's Batman and this is all a hallucination of some kind or maybe Tom King is speaking through Bane or maybe...well, I don't know!). Bane says, "The Bat is broken," (which is a terrific pun that somebody once thought up and now Batman writers can't stop using!).

Rating:: I guess giving Batman hope that he can be happy and then taking it away is supposed to break Batman? But isn't the whole point that Batman's unhappiness and grim misery and obsession over justice are the only things keeping him Batman? Won't this devastating loss just make him even more Batmanier?! Or do the members of Batman's rogue's gallery all believe he's going to become a pouting emo baby for the next few months? A total pushover which they can take advantage of?! Anyway, it was a good story well told. The only flaw was that the staples were off by one page. Stupid layout editor! Somebody should fire whoever's job it was to place the ads!

The Man of Steel #3

The maniac was Uncle Bushido zombie David Bowie Lobo?!

I get the feeling when Brian Michael Bendis was designing the character of Rogol Zaar, people kept asking him, "Are you trying to make him like Lobo?" And Bendis's answer was always, "Why do people keep asking me that? Of course I am! Now I have to make him even more like Lobo so they stop asking!" Because at first, he just sort of looked like him with the white and black motif and the facial hair. But then readers were introduced to his love of genocide. Then when people were thinking, "Geez, Brian. You know Lobo already exists, right?", he let us all in on Rogol Zaar's unique method of getting around space: a space Harley! At that point, there were few people defending the blatant rip-off of Lobo in the character design. But those few who were left were all, "No way. Totally different. It's not like Rogol Zaar loves space dolphins and has a skull belt buckle!"

Game, set and match!

Rogol Zaar trashes the Fortress of Solitude before finding the Bottle City of Kandor half full of Superman's late night wees. There's no guessing what he's going to do with it! Except this comic book isn't being told in the world that I want to live in so there are probably just a few guesses that could be true. Fucking it until all the Kandorians drown in Rogol Zaar cum probably isn't one of them.

Superman hears the Fortress of Solitude alarm and leaves Batman to investigate the arsons in Metropolis. Superman is a boy scout and not a detective. Superman can start a fire but he can't tell you who started one. I hope there isn't a "Man of Steel Tie-in!" issue of Batman where Batman has to leave Catwoman on their honeymoon to investigate arson for twenty pages. But I do hope there's a Catwoman "Man of Steel Tie-in!" issue where Batman has to go investigate arson on their honeymoon so she spends twenty pages masturbating in a heart shaped bed.

Superman grew up with the most cerebral parents. "Stuff is just stuff" and "Fire is fire!" You don't get this kind of down-on-the-farm wisdom growing up in a coastal elite bubble!

Superman finds Kandor smashed. Supergirl arrives ready to punch somebody in the face and blast them with her vagina.

Some of you might be new to my reviews so I should remind you that there are around four thousand previous entries. I will occasionally refer back to that library of work. When doing so, I will probably confuse the new people and they might think, "Well, that was rude and sexist." I don't mind. It goes with the territory. But if I know there is at least one old school reader who remembers how often we saw Supergirl FWAAAASH an enemy with her exploding vagina, I'm content. Also, remember how Superman stole Supergirl's exploding vagina power? But he couldn't handle it and it always made him lose his powers for twenty-four hours? What a non-pussy.

We get to see a little bit more of the moment Lois and Jon disappeared and while, last time, I thought, "Has Brainiac decided to become a giant robotic caterpillar?", this time I'm left thinking, "Holy fuck. Mister Mind kidnapped them?" Now, sure, Mister Mind is a little bitty caterpillar thing. But it seems maybe now he's a full grown humanoid who rides around in a robotic caterpillar mechazoid. I could be wrong but I'm probably not. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, after all. Plus, if I am wrong, I have a catalog of four thousand reviews to obfuscate and hide my failures. Nobody will remember this one! I mean, how many people remember how adamantly I proclaimed Harvest was Red Robin from the future who had been turned into a vampire? Like probably nobody, right?

And, also, Harvest absolutely was Red Robin from the future who had been turned into a vampire.

Rogol Zaar leads Superman and Supergirl back to Metropolis so they can have a big street battle. I guess Rogol Zaar wants to remind everybody of Doomsday as well.

Rating: When a big name comic book writer is lured over to another company to shake things up, I always imagine the editors need to offer up something to sweeten the deal. Sure, Bendis was probably excited to take lead on Superman for a bit. Who wouldn't want to write Superman? I mean aside from all the writers who have written him whom you could tell weren't really interested in writing him. I would name some but you all remember how much I can't stand Scott Lobdell's writing.

Editors: "Look. If you sign this contract, we'll let you bring Ambush Bug back into mainstream DC continuity."
Bendis: "I was going to do that anyway."
Editors: "You can have your own creator owned title! Just please fix Superman for us!"
Bendis: "I can get that at Image any time. But I'll take that too. I just need a little more."
Editors: "What if we let you change the entire history of Krypton's destruction?!"
Bendis: "Wait. Weren't you expecting that from me? Look, guys, you really need to sweeten this deal before I let you suck my dick while fingering my asshole?"
Editors: "You can kill Kandor!"
Bendis: "Oh. OH. Oh yeah. Okay. Also, never mind the dick sucking because I just came in my pants so hard."

That wasn't a standard comic book review rating but it's all I got. Sue me. But not for sexual harassment because you might win that lawsuit. Sue me for something frivolous and dumb that will immediately get thrown out of court, forcing you to pay for my lawyer's fees. Also my lawyer will be me so if you want to skip all the hassle, you can just cut me a check.

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