Secret Six #11

Did you know the gargoyles in the Gargoyle cartoon show were really grotesques? You could tell because they weren't drooling and vomiting in every other scene.

Rating: No change.

Batgirl visits the Secret Six world which is the suburbs of Burnside or something. She's trying to get a warning to Strix because Lady Shiva is hunting Strix. Imagine how much easier it would be to send Strix a message if the Birds of Prey had actually purchased her an iPad instead of just giving her that shitty pad of paper and the hardened raccoon poop to scratch out messages. If they'd actually wanted to communicate with her, they would have spent a few extra bucks setting her up with a Waynetech Communication Tablet or a qPad or a Kord Industries Scarab Tablet. I'm pretty sure you can receive email on all of those devices! You know on what item you can't receive an email warning you of a dangerous assasin hunting you? A ninety-nine cent pad of paper! The Birds of Prey were jerks.

Strix is busy getting a makeover because it's time she learned that she should accept who she is. But she has to learn that from a puppet because nobody can accept who they are until somebody else tells them it's okay to accept who they are. That's just logic.

Ralph also receives a message from Sue because she's finally remembered how much she loves his elastic dick and hates listening to stupid fucking riddles.

A fun time is had by all and Batgirl may have achieved her very first partner-induced orgasm while rolling around on the grass with Catman. I'd say it's a high probability that that happened so I'm going to pencil it in as fact in the Batgirl Entry in my copy of Who's Who.

First Non-Masturbatory Orgasm: Catman in Secret Six #11 (while a goat with a fly's head watched)

Wonder Woman #49

This is the least subtle comment on the patriarchy I've ever seen on a comic book cover.

So it turns out that I still have enough time in my super busy life of leveling up in Call of Duty and getting my ass kicked playing Blood Bowl to do a few long form comic book commentaries every now and then. I couldn't resist doing one on an issue of Wonder Woman actually drawn by David Finch because he isn't as good at art as all of the comic book fans ever think he is. Am I that naked kid in the Emperor's New Clothes? Wait. The kid was the naked one, right?

Um, basically I realize I'm eager to do at least one per week. The question is which comic book do I write about each week? Well, that's up to you, the people! I mean the smart people. Stupid people reading this don't get an opinion. Just send me a note in some way letting me know which comic book in each coming up batch you'd like me to eviscerate and the one with the most requests will get a proper write-up. Or improper write-up. You know, whatever the fuck it is I do in these things.

According to the cover of this issue, women should be taking care of babies while men (symbolized by the screaming penis behind her) rampage about the land, penis in the lead, destroying civilization. That seems about right. The difference between men and women isn't that women don't like sex as much as men do. The difference is that women have standards and won't fuck anything that comes near them with an erect phallus. Some nights they will! But those are dangerous nights because you fuck a guy who isn't used to being fucked and it's like feeding a stray cat. That pathetic loser will never leave your back door no matter how many times you squirt him with the hose. When a woman just wants a good fuck, why do you think she'd go for a guy who looks like he has no experience with vaginas? She's going after some guy who thinks he's using her for the night because he'll probably be good in bed and he'll definitely not bother her the next day when she just wants to get on with her life. The proverbial "nice" guy isn't sexually shunned because he's too nice (mostly because he usually isn't). It's because he obviously (even on the most shallow of levels) has nothing to offer a woman who craves a fucking orgasm. Nice guys do know that women aren't just looking to let a guy rut on them for ten seconds before making a stupid face and apologizing profusely, right? They want to be fucked! F-U-C-K-E-D! Brains melting inside their heads because they've got three fingers inside them, a thumb on the clit, and a tongue in their asshole. Teaching a guy to be good at sex is like training a monkey you don't want in your fucking house because it eats all of your food and won't get a job and makes you drive everywhere while never paying for gas because it blew all of its money on Monkey Magic the Gathering cards.

This is the part where I pretend I'm one of those guys who are really good at sex and not that monkey because I don't know anything about Magic the Gathering due to fucking so much. I don't tap mountains! I tap ass! Did that make anybody wet?

Because he's a lazy man!

Zeke is actually Zeus and everybody knows it but they're still treating him as if he's a fragile human toddler. If Zeus suddenly shakes like he's having a seizure (even as a baby), it's probably because he's having an orgasm. The only weird part is that he isn't raping somebody as a toddler. It's pretty much his only hobby. It's weird to think how many rape stories I read in elementary school because I was so interested in mythology. In the seventies, I don't think anybody cared what kind of books were in the elementary school library. Although I went to Haman the Satanic Elementary School, so I shouldn't be surprised that along with all of the The Wizard of Oz books and dozens of mythology books, I also checked out The Amityville Horror from it. Go Haman Satanic Eagles!

Hera believes that Zeke is sick because Mount Olympus is in chaos. It's in less chaos than it was while The First Born was loose but it's still in some chaos because the God of Peace has decided that Peace is bullshit and means nothing without war. So, yes, the God of Peace is desperate for no peace at all because she's cuckoo. Hera has no solution to save the baby but she knows somebody who probably does! No, not the God of Doctors (probably because he's a male and also he has really creepy feet)! Gaia, the Mother God of All Mothers! Who better to take care of a baby than the ultimate woman! See? Just like how I interpreted the cover!

Gaia's temple is deep within the earth because vaginas.

Gaia ignores Wonder Woman's prayers because Wonder Woman isn't offering anything in return. She's just all, "I've never acknowledged you ever in my entire existence but now I've heard that you can solve a problem I have so here I am praying to you!" And when Gaia doesn't answer her prayer, Wonder Woman begins to vandalize the temple by punching the statue of Gaia and chipping it. Is that how she thinks you ask for favors from gods?! You demand them and when your prayer isn't answered, you threaten and insult them?! Why does Gaia suddenly owe Wonder Woman anything? I don't hate a lot of people but I really hate people who believe their needs are so important that everybody should get on board with them or else they're dicks. Also, I actually hate a lot of people and that bit about how I don't was a lie.

Wonder Woman encounters Hecate which was one of my favorite Magic the Gathering cards.

Okay, it was actually Hecatomb and I was remembering the name wrong. Probably because I was having so much sex in the nineties and not attending Magic Tournaments at the Red Lion in San Jose at all.

Hecate offers to help Wonder Woman for a price. That's more like it! Why would anybody do anything for anybody else for free?! That's fucking nuts. Hecate wants a few of Hera's precious orbs she keeps in her scrying pool which is the weirdest way to describe eggs and ovaries I've ever heard. But Wonder Woman is all, "I won't steal them! I'll be rational about it!" And Hecate is all, "You can't be rational when dealing with the gods! Haven't you noticed Hera is married to a toddler and the Goddess of Peace is a war monger and you're the Goddess of War and you're just trying to hug everybody? None of it makes any fucking sense! Here, let me show you!" She then goes on  to show Wonder Woman a vision of Hera acting suspicious. Which, of course, Wonder Woman simply takes as a true vision! Why are heroes in comic books always willing to believe anything anybody tells them?! What a bunch of gullible hicks!

"I am not the Goddess of Lies! I'm the Goddess of other things that totally don't make me seem suspicious and evil like Witchcraft and Necromancy! I also look like a lizard and did you ever hear that I tried to kill your mother but only made Derinoe old and bitter? Or something like that. I mean, if you've heard that, it was obviously a lie and told by somebody with a total anti-necromancy agenda!"

What follows is a scene where Diana dives into Hera's scrying pool which is a long, wet tunnel and then harvests Hera's last three orbs. It's totally clinical and not as sexy as I was hoping it would be after realizing that Diana was going to have to explore Hera's secret sanctum.

After harvesting Hera's orbs, Diana discovers a secret staircase leading down into Olympus. That's where she's attacked by the giant penis man on the cover! He was probably attracted to the orbs! He knocks out Diana and hauls her off to do whatever angry giant penises do to unconscious women. I wouldn't know having never pledged a fraternity.

Wonder Woman #49 Rating: No change! Seriously, no change! That's not a recommendation though because that's no change in rank of a comic that's ranked 40 out of 52 DC Comics (or somewhere near enough to 52 for me to not give a shit about the exact number). David Finch's art was at the level that would cause people to look at it and think, "He's really good and probably doesn't screw shit up all the time!" But mostly that's because he only drew a couple of panels with men in them. He likes drawing women and spends a lot of time getting them right, especially when they're wearing almost no clothes the way Hera was. I did like how everything in this book was a metaphor for genitals and reproductive organs though. Except for Zeke. He's just a metaphor for out of control lust and rampant fucking. Which, now that I think about it, is what all toddlers are metaphors for!

The New Titans #56 (July 1989)

The post-crisis story of Gnaark. Maybe the Titans will remember it in Titans Hunt! It’s also just a story told by Bumblebee to Sarah Charles, so the Titans don’t do anything heroic. Even the Titans in the story can’t save Gnaark from being killed by STAR Labs security guards. Even the previous Titans were failures!

If I were Bumblebee, I would have lied my fucking stinger off. "Oh, and then we totally saved Gnaark and I fucked his Neanderthal brains out."

Robin, Son of Batman #9

Don't worry, Talia. Just scrape his sperm out of the bat-condom he threw in the trash.

Rating: No change.

Damian finally gets around to seeing what his father's up to (pretending Batman doesn't exist so he can fuck Julie Madison and pretend he's happy). It's been a long time coming and I've been particularly looking forward to it. But since Duke had already done the thing that Damian was meant to do (tell Bruce to stop fucking Julie Madison because he's not really happy), I knew I would be surprised by whatever he did. And I guess I was. I mean, the surprising thing was that I didn't give a shit about Damian watching his father while he slept. No, the reunion I had really been hoping for happened at the end of the comic book! Damian finally getting around to visiting his pets! Lucky for Alfred, he's kept them all in good health.

I know you hate whimsy, DC (even if you think you don't and are still patting yourself on the back for publishing the mostly awful and not really very entertaining Bat-Mite and Bizarro books) but can't you make some room for some super pet stories again? Sure it's not cool or hip or epic or savage or fuddly-doo. Yet! See, that's your problem, DC! You're all about trying to keep up with the cool. Your shit is so off fleek you keep it in a music box with a little pink ballerina. You need to take some shit and make it the thing everybody wants to be! Stop pointing at Batgirl. You can't be happy about a change of character that you're constantly grousing about! You know you hate that books like Gotham Academy and Batgirl are popular because they're not fucking grimdark! Get with the times and embrace cute, you sock drawer!

You know what you need, DC? A monthly Tig the Vampire book where Tig is a somewhat immature eighteen year old immortal who loves cute shit and can't get laid no matter how horny she is. Maybe Maps could be a regular guest star because Tig the Vampire is totally into roleplaying and practicing kissing on her friends. Also she should express her love for a mysterious werefish named Grunion Guy who she totally wants to bang tons!

Poison Ivy: The Cycle of Life and Death #2

This is how I get out of tickets. The Poison Ivy costume has totally paid for itself.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

There's a moment in this comic book where Poison Ivy mentions that Pitbulls are misunderstood and she hates abusers and then she kills the owner of the dogs that got out and barked loudly at her and her coworker. This might be an example of why vigilantism isn't as great as Batman claims it is. Poison Ivy assumes the dogs have been badly treated because they got out of the yard and barked at some strangers. You know, the way dogs do. Then she goes to the supposed owner's house where some dog dishes and a chain are lying in the yard. The chain may have been used on the dogs but, at this point, totally an assumption. The barrel that the chain is coming out of could be the dog's house but, again, that's an assumption. And even if it is, maybe the dog loves barrels? Maybe it's got a nice carpet and squeak toy inside?

Anyway, Poison Ivy asks the man who answers the door if the dogs are his. He says, "Those stupid mutts? What have they done now?" So she kills him. Really? I've called the cat I loved most in the world worse names than "stupid mutts" when talking about him to strangers! Affectionately! And the "What have they done now?" could be because he totally doesn't want to miss out on another cute thing they did running around the neighborhood. I mean, at most, he's guilty of being negligent about getting his chain link fence fixed. Also he's guilty of having a chain link fence.

I'd like to defend this poor, probably innocent man because who else will? Certainly not the Poison Ivy fans who were cheering when she murdered somebody based on a whole string of assumptions she made. She could have at least asked some blades of grass if the dogs were being abused! She did no detective work at all! Hell, the dogs themselves prove she was wrong based on their behavior! They ran out growling and barking and then calmed down almost immediately when leashed by a vine and called a good doggie. That doesn't seem like the kind of reaction one would get from an abused Pitbull! And don't give me that bullshit about the dog finally being treated nicely so it acted nicely. That dog would have ripped her face off if it wanted to. Just like all dogs secretly want to because they're all assholes.

But as long as Amy Chu got her message out about how Pitbulls are misunderstood! As if that message isn't constantly being repeated ad nauseum on Facebook every single day!

My cat Smaug once beat up a Chihuahua and he was totally and completely loved. Some animals are just dicks and bullies and maybe racist. I think Smaug may have been a little bit racist.

I have to admit that I was proud of him though when I heard he beat up some lady's dog.

The other parts of this comic book were parts. I may have liked them better if I wasn't soured on the Pitbulls aren't bad message knocked upside my head. Although the part where the flowers gave birth was disgusting because I was really beginning to get aroused by the budding flower and then BLORT! Babies! Ew! They're worse than dogs!

Now I wish Smaug had beaten up a toddler!

Sinestro #20

Sinestro's costume needs fancier cuffs.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

Why is this even a comic book? It's just a first person monologue with lots of yellow ink splattered about.

The Fall
A Very Short Story by Cullen Bunn

Many mistakenly believe that I am without fear. They assume that if I control the emotion, I have conquered and abandoned it. It is a belief I have done little to discredit although nothing could be further from the truth. To instill fear, one must embrace it. One must walk amongst nightmares if one wishes to become a nightmare.

The Pale Bishop and his order have divested themselves of all emotion and, in so doing, they have been made strong. He seeks to burn my fear--my power--from my system to make me an empty servant to their order. And I am frightened. Frightened of losing myself...of feeling everything I've worked to attain slip through my fingers once again.

On Earth, the expanded ranks of the Sinestro Corps struggle to drive our enemies away. The Paling, though, are compelled by faith in emptiness. They will not be so easily turned. My lanterns--new and old--embrace their fear...follow it as surely as any believer follows their convictions, no matter what horrors are revealed to them.

I have felt the power of The Paling before...but not so intensely. My own emotions are amplified and turned against me. I revisit every terrible moment in my life simultaneously: the death of Arin Sur, the destruction of Korugar, my exile from the Green Lanterns. Every moment of weakness opening my mind for even greater horrors to come, mounting terror I know I could cast away if I only submit. Before, my resolve was bolstered by Parallax, the fear entity I had bound to my soul. Now, though, I am connected only to The Pale Bishop himself, a void, an abyss, an emptiness that could swallow me whole...or be explored.

Before I was a lantern, I was an archeologist [sic] and so I dig. I chase the last vestigial remnants of fear until I find something I can use. The Bishop--before he ascended to his position--when he stood among the Guardians of the Universe, when he looked upon the wellsprings of emotional energies and knew fear, I feel it right along with him. Terror that forced him to abandon the Guardians...to flee from their experimentation and to rid himself of all emotiong: of love, of anger, of hope, and of fear. Fear perhaps above all else. Fear that is with him still.

On Earth, my lanterns are unaware of the battle I fight. They are preoccupied with their own struggles. New lanterns conscripted into an effort to repel a global invasion. Veteran lanterns defending those they might have once tried to conquer. I wonder, though, if The Pale Vicars sense their master's moment of weakness. Does his fear flicker within them?

Like myself, The Bishop has fostered misinformation: the belief that he is without fear. But fear is what defines this being. Fear and all the other emotions it encompasses: love, hope, anger, compassion. All shadows of my domain of fear. I ignite these emotions within him and his defenses shatter.

The end!

See? It's all there! It's all fucking there! It's written out in a script that has no real need of the comic book attributes it wears like a feathered boa. Okay, I admit there's a bit more with Soranik and how she takes over as leader of the Sinestro Corps at the end because Sinestro "use up too much power" or something stupid. Get a fucking lantern and stick your ring in it, dum-dum!

There's also a part where all of the new recruit lanterns are being described with a quick phrase and the description of Harley is "crazy but cute." If I were going to just throw my cards down on the table and admit that I was a sexist pig, I'd have gone with "cuckoo but with a nice rack and a totally fuckable ass."

Doctor Fate #9

Is this story going to be about police brutality? About the animosity the public feels for overly authoritarian police? A good cop facing hard decisions? Please just be about something! ANYTHING!

Rating: No change.

This comic book would do well to drop Khalid's Narration Boxes altogether. The main problem with the comic book is that Khalid is constantly hesitating or second guessing his situation which slows the plot to a crawl as Khalid does nothing. The Narration Boxes are simply enabling that horrendous aspect of his character! Although I can't say the comic book would be any better with panel after panel of silence as Khalid just stares at the problems in front of him and does nothing to help.

Okay, sometimes he does something to help! But it's just boring magic where he points and makes some mystic yellow waves and shit gets better. Writing magic characters is easy!

At one point he says--and I'm paraphrasing--"Positive statement...not!" Oh how not at all clever that is! Not! No wait. No not!

Doctor Fate spends most of his time flying around looking for the neighbor who wants to fuck him but he refuses to fuck. It's pretty exciting how he wonders how his powers work and then finds out how his powers work and then uses his powers to do the thing he wanted them to do. I learned a lot about the writing process and how apparently you don't really need to tell an interesting story to get a job working at DC Comics.