Action Comics #48

Just give him his fucking powers back instead of sticking him in an idiotic space suit some pulp hero from the 50's would have worn.

My band has landed their second gig tonight! Technically the first gig was cancelled and this gig is just the rescheduling of the first gig. Technically technically, the second gig is just a party that every member of the band has been invited to. Also I don't have a band. It was just a dream I had.

I do intend to mostly stay away from these long form commentaries but occasionally a comic book will start off so poorly that I either write about it or scream at the walls incoherently as I turn the pages super aggressively and curse every god that other people believe in for the existence of Greg Pak.

I admit I'm probably letting my temper get the best of me and that the beginning of the comic can easily be explained by somebody who doesn't want any excuse at all to rail against the state of writing in mainstream comic books today. Like I suppose that enough time has passed for the Justice League to have journey off to the edge of the solar system in their ship with a Faster Than Light drive, discover the anomaly (anomoly! Remember how it was spelled that way in the annual?!), and chase it back to Earth where it crashes into the Watchtower as they dock with the Watchtower at the same time. Or something. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. The only thing that matters is that the entire Justice League have now been rendered helpless by some Supremacists whose weapons can apparently drain any type of super power from any hero. It drains Superman's solar power which is a product of his physiology. It drains The Flash's power which is a product of the Speed Force. It drains Power Ring's power which is a product of alien and alternate dimensional technology. It drains Aquaman's powers which are just his natural abilities. It drains Cyborg's powers which are the product of the Technosapiens or Apokolips or wherever the fuck they're currently from. It drains Lex Luthor's powers which is probably the most understandable since he's just in a suit probably powered by kryptonite. They don't drain Wonder Woman's powers though because she's a god and that would be ridiculous if they could drain a god's powers! Sheesh!

Oh, but they do have a neck brace which nullifies the powers of Greek and Roman gods.

Vandal reveals himself to Superman and explains that he's now got the powers of all of the Justice League. Superman decides to enter reporter mode and get some answers! So he asks Vandal, "What the hell are you planning?" Oh! I hope that works! Maybe Vandal will even explain to Superman how he can be stopped while he's going over all of the details of his plan!

Oh, I just noticed that Vandal also has Hal Jordan captured. I guess that makes sense since Hal finally came back to Earth to battle Sonar. No it doesn't. I'm just trying my best here.

Anyway, Vandal refuses to reveal his plan to Clark. Good try, Kent! Now threaten him a bit and then go get Steel's experimental super suit and go be Superman even without powers! Show everybody that it isn't your powers that make you Superman! It's your gumption! It's your homespun charm! It's your never give up until the cows are back in the barn attitude! It's your playing doctor with a close cousin at a young age determination! Vandal Savage can't win because he didn't grow up on a farm with loving parents! But guess who did?!

"I'm not going to tell you my plan! But I'll hint around enough so that you understand it! I want you to see how I'm better than you! An evil jerk is better than Superman! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Vandal Savage begins bombing Metropolis because it's always nice to watch Superman fail to save people. Clark just has to bend over to pick up his glasses and put them back on so he can see all of the people dying that he can't save. Wrath is out of her box which seems unlikely seeing as how she failed Vandal and now she's criticizing his choices. Put her back in her stupid box! The only kid worth a damn is the fake robot one, Hordr_root!

After bombing Metropolis, he explodes a bunch of angry shadow bombs over the city. Because Wrath's plan was apparently Vandal's main plan. Make everybody into angry shadow monsters because profit!

A little help? He needs to be saved just like everybody else!

Yay! A team that can actually get a job done! At least right up until they also get their powers stolen by Supremacist weapons. Doesn't it seem like an awful lot of DC's comic book conflict stems from super heroes somehow losing their powers? Or their powers being ineffective against an enemy? Why can't any writers imagine more creative ways to challenge the heroes?

A plane crashes or something. I think it's the origin story of the first Black Mass Superhero. Maybe. I don't know. It's just interrupting the story! Although maybe it'll be a better story than the main story? Maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

Superman convinces Steel and Lana to let him use the super suit they've been working on that will kill a normal human wearing it in about fifteen minutes. So Superman will be dead in a few hours. I'm not sure why they're putting a death trap on Clark Kent and sending him out to stop Vandal Savage. Shouldn't the Justice League United call in Martian Manhunter? Or just, you know, got up against Savage without Superman? Or is the big twist ending going to be that the only person that can ultimately defeat Savage is one that doesn't have super powers! And Batman is currently indisposed.

Justice League United guest starring The Atom and Superman infiltrate the Carrier and begin their attack on Savage's henchmen. But it's Superman who has to save the day! The guy without powers who is also dying. He's the guy everybody is counting on! Christ. At this point, I'm more apt to bet on Green Arrow saving the day.

I fucking told you to keep her in the box! Idiot!

And now, even though it made no sense, we see why Wrath was allowed out of the box Vandal had stuffed her in after she failed. Because she had to play the Darth Vader to Vandal Savage's Emperor Palpatine. Unless that's spelled differently. It doesn't really matter though. Wrath is out of the box. The Justice League are back from their journey through the solar system. Justice League United are called in to be assistants to a useless ex-reporter. The Justice League have all had their powers stolen because that's a thing any old technologically advanced weapon can do. I think there must be a mathematical formula that exists to justify plot holes in comic books. Something like the amount of punches added to the number of Boob/Butt Showcases divided by the number of explanatory Narration Boxes equals number of plot holes the audience will forgive.

Wrath causes an explosion or something but Hordr_root appears or something and Wonder Woman and Superman appear outside the Carrier or something and the Justice League United are incapacitated immediately or something. Oh! I realize what happened! There were only a few pages left in the comic book so all of the heroes had to be put down before it ended. Now Vandal has all of the Justice League and all of Justice League United powering his Doomsday Weapon while Superman and Wonder Woman have died because they crashed to Earth after falling out of orbit. Well, maybe Wonder Woman survived. But Superman in just an advanced version of a Metallo suit crashing to Earth? No. He's definitely dead.

Action Comics #48 Rating: -2 Ranking. Greg Pak and Aaron Kuder's control over this story is analogous to a kitten's control over its body when it's suddenly attacked by a piece of string. Although it's far less entertaining. What I'm saying is I should have spent my $3.99 on adopting a kitten and a piece of string.

Midnighter #8

All the cool kids are working with Spyral these days.

Rating: +2 Ranking. I challenge any comic book writer to put this much character work in a one shot story about a character's downtime in any length story they tell with guest stars and variant covers and Bat-Connections. Midnighter has just been through hell with the betrayal of a man he loved. He's not sure about the connections he's made. He's not sure how to go about trusting people. For the first time in a long time, he's doubting his ability to know every move before it's made. And yet here he is getting on with life, making new friends, building up current relationships, and turning a new traitorous situation into an opportunity. Oh, and did I mention this issue guest stars B'wana Beast?

I don't know what kind of magical writing juice you've consumed, Steve Orlando, but keep at. The way you're going on this book, Midnighter will soon eclipse Batman and Batman will become the satiric take on Midnighter. He may be a killer but he's standing up for the oppressed, hurt, and victimized while Batman obsesses over The Joker's identity. Make mine Midnighter!

Stan Lee can't sue me for saying that, can he?

Edge of Oblivion #1

What's Kilowog been smoking?

Rating: 20 of 52 or so. Thankfully, Edge of Oblivion mostly ignores the events that took place in Lost Army. All of the main points are still valid. The Corps are stuck in another universe that's dying. They're hanging out on Mogo. A bunch of them are still lost. But so far there was no mention of the Peak Light Problem that's killing the universe, no sign of Relic, no Krona, and no Light Pirates. Some of that stuff might come up but it's taking a back seat to a new conflict.

The Green Lantern Corps are still trying to find a way home but now that have a New 52 Mosaic planet to take care of as well. But it isn't only good, well-meaning refugees on this Mosaic! No way! That would be boring! There are also some fish killers who murdered Mukmuk! Which seems kind of cruel and unecessary. Why kill the fish guy?! Fucking Tom Taylor is racist against fish, that's why. Jerko.

Doctor Fate #7

This comic book will be more interesting if it focuses on this cast of characters now ruling Egyptian Hell.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Seven issues in and Khalid still thinks he's dreaming. At least he finally defeated the stray dog and his pet cat is declaring that he needs to fucking accept his fate already. Get it? Because he's Doctor Fate! And yet he's denying his fate! And he's actually just a medical student!

I'm actually kind of hoping he is dreaming and this series will just end when somebody finally fucking wakes him up. Maybe it'll be his horny neighbor sleep creeping on him! Oh man! I'm actually excited about next issue now!

Batman Beyond #8

Just think of this as Batman Beyond #2 and forget about the first six issues which were really just the end of Futures End!

Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that the Futures End story is behind us and Brother Eye is dead, this comic book room to become interesting. It's like an Elseworlds version of Kamandi except with a lot more non-animal humanoids living in the world. Matt McGinnis gets to be the new Kamandi unless he's actually going to meet the old Kamandi in Metropolis-That-Was. Although Kamandi lived further in the future so just forget all of that crap since Matt is going to become the new Green Lantern instead. I'm still not a fan of Tim Drake but since I don't have to look at him because he's always in the Batman Beyond mask, I'm just pretending he's Irwin Schwab.

Wonder Woman #47

Why are the lipstick prints the wrong way up?

Rating: No change. This story is about an urgent mission to stop Cheetah from stealing an Amazonian artifact on Paradise Island. It's quite important that she be stopped as soon as possible or all of the Amazons could become mortal and die. But before warning Diana, Dessa needs to console Diana and boost her self-esteem. Then after Diana learns that Cheetah has murdered a bunch of Amazons, she gives chase only to stop to try to console her last living Amazonian Brother.

Even with all the delays, Cheetah doesn't beat Diana to the prize. But Diana is kept from stopping Cheetah by the ghost of her mother. She lets Diana know that Cheetah will soon learn a lesson about the price of getting what one wants so just relax and shit. Cheetah realizes the price of immortality is too great and runs away while Diana just shakes her head and thinks, "Moral of the story!" Then Wonder Woman flies off instead of capturing Cheetah who, you know, just killed a bunch of Amazons and is a dangerous menace to anybody she meets.

Wonder Woman is the worst.

Lois and Clark #3

This cover may have gotten ahead of the story.

Rating: +1 Ranking. The Preboot version of Superman is the best version of Superman in the DC Youniverse right now. He's also the Superman whom Batman would probably be most afraid of if Batman even knew about him (I'm sure Batman knows about him, right?!) since this Superman works in secret and takes the law into his own hands. He's got a prison beneath a mountain full of dangerous aliens and evil monsters (if you want to visit, the secret code to get in is BIBLE upside down on a calculator. Hmm, so maybe he's the worst version?). Batman would hate an actual hero fighting for justice on his own terms without having to listen to Batman constantly tell him the right way to do things. How dare Superman choose the kind of justice this Earth deserves?!

Of course, not having to listen to a whole host of disparate Justice League voices actually makes this Superman effective. The only problem is that he doesn't really have a backup system in place to stop his prisoners from destroying the world once they guessed the code to open the prison. Good job, Superman! You fool! You should have consulted Batman!

I hope Sheba, the female version of Lobo created by Rob Liefeld, is in Preboot Superman's prison!