Blackhawks #6

That might be Kunoichi on the cover. Maybe. Fighting with Mother Machine. Possibly.

Last issue wrapped up a lot of loose ends. Kind of. Everything about this comic is ambiguous! Also, why are they called the Blackhawks? Were they named after a military helicopter or a Native American? Or, you know, an actual bird? And why?

Nobody cares. Moving on.

The issue begins with the Blackhawks in Argentina fighting sentient Legos.

Or possibly sentient Polaroids. You know, Polaroids? Pretty much the digital camera for the first 9/10s of the 20th Century.

The intelligence of the Modular Creature (or Creatures?) grows as more of the creatures connect (like I said! Sentient Lego!). But they're going to take it out easily enough with an Electromagnetic Pulse before it (they?) reach a populated center. The only problem: Canada's plane does not have shielding to avoid being disabled by the pulse. But no problem, right? Canada says he can land a brick! Wow! He's good!

I'll let Mr. Schmidt wrap up the opener for everyone.

Also, the JLI is ineffectual while the Blackhawks have a pretty decent success rate. So maybe the wrong comic book was canceled?

I imagine funding is going to be pulled and everybody is going to make a big show about shutting down the Blackhawks program when it will really just go back to being a Black Ops program. It failed at being Black Ops before because it was being funded by the United Nations. There is nothing Black Ops or secret about the United Nations. The Blackhawks are going to have to secure some kind of private funding or get in deep into the dark government branches where the real decisions happen. The decisions that are so real that nobody believes they're real. The decisions that thrive on the status quo believing that "conspiracy theory" equals "fairy tale." And it will probably need Commander Lincoln to fake his own death!

That's not a guess. Mister Terrific #8 spoiled that for me. Stupid DC and their stupid World Building.

Even if I turned the page and this scene did not continue, it would be enough for me. I like this.

Irish and Attila are hanging out having a few beers, both healing from arm breaks and/or losses. And it looks like Irish has a prosthetic arm now. Or maybe the Blackhawks have some kind of super duper healing alien technology that they've stolen from somewhere. Or maybe it's a robot arm since he uses it later to grasp and lift his mug. Irishman continues the story and then Attila tells a story of his own. Three full pages of downtime with members just talking to each other! And it's not boring. Hey, other writers of the New 52! Look at this! Don't be afraid to let your characters do stuff instead of just reacting to physical violence!

Back at The Eyrie, Lincoln introduces Lady Blackhawk to the Black Razors side of the Blackhawks program. It looks like the main difference is the Black Razors track down Alien Technology and the Blackhawks just track down Human Technology. Yeah, seems like they really needed two teams for that distinction. It's just a few short issues before The Blackhawks are probably shut down and they can concentrate on the Black Razors work. It's a better Black Ops organization anyway since they only make cameos in other comic books.

But the downtime doesn't last for anyone. During this big Public Relations "Let's Meet The Blackhawks" press event, two cameramen have cameras sending out high level encrypted data. Wildman cracks it and discovers it's a message that says, "Greetings from Matteo Bischoff." The message also comes with a super secret special surprise.

The cameras Wildman was working with were also bombs. Ha ha! I mean, cri cri, no more Wildman.

Irish and Attila were also on a bit of a mission tracking down some guy who was selling weapons to the people attacking the Blackhawks. I'm not sure which people they mean since I'm either not following the story closely enough or they mean the guy who sent the Sentient Legos. But they find out this guy's name is Bischoff and let Lincoln and Lady Blackhawk know just before the camera bombs explode.

Blackhawks #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least half of this issue was given over to conversation. That's a good thing. And with a big group, that's a very good thing. One of the few comics doing a team correctly and it's been cancelled at Issue #8. I'm learning about each individual member of the team. I'm learning about the team. And even in a few of the action scenes, things are being revealed. The only real issue with this comic is the communication between the cover artist and the rest of the creative team! Here's another cover that makes absolutely no sense. Kunoichi throws the EMP to disable the Lego things and that's all she does in this comic. Never becomes a hunter or a prey. Never fights Cthulu's face. Never shoots a gun. She simply throws a backpack. Great job, editors!

The Fury of Firestorm #8

I kept reading this cover as "The Menage of Firehawk & Hurricane."

Jason was particularly upset last issue but swallowed his ethics and his dignity and the truth and bravery and kept working with Zither Tech. His day might get a little better when he sees the chemical burns and the missing hand of Ronnie Raymond and can tell that arrogant bastard, "I told you so!" But before that happens, it looks like more Firestorms are going to be introduced.

I think this Firestorm world should be a completely different Earth than the other comic books take place on. This many Firestorms in conflict should just tear the world apart in a matter of months. Especially with all of the counterfeit Firestorm Protocols being activated on any fanatic willing to blow his shit up. Maybe I'm finding this comic book boring because there is so much power all over the place and nobody really cares much. Except that one female reporter reporting live from the demolished stadium. I bet she really, really cares to find the truth. She also really, really cares about the new baby elephant just born at the zoo. And she really, really, really cares about the opinion of random idiots on the street too stupid to avoid answering loaded questions asked just the right way to get the answer the news reporter wants.

What the fuck was I talking about? Am I reading another issue of this boring comic? What happened to it being fun? It was fun at the beginning, right? Am I just being bitter and grumpy? Probably. I can't wait to make fun of Aquaman too!

See? Look at all the bad Firestorms!

Pozhar hasn't actually left Ronnie Raymond alone. He apparently wants Ronnie's help to defeat all of the rogue Firestorms just now attacking him. Hopefully Ronnie can finally figure out how to do the transmutation trick so he can give himself a new hand. Does it work that way? I remember the cartoon Firestorm couldn't affect organic material. Is that still a thing? Pozhar keeps melting people's faces. But that might just be a really, really, really hot flame power.

While Ronnie tries to cope with his injuries with Pozhar yelling at him, Jasonstorm is off in Paris trying to stop another Terrorist Firestorm attack. And he's Narration Boxing ridiculous stereotyped metaphors. Maybe Gail Simone wasn't so bad after all.

Hey everyone! Let's play Guess the Next Comic Book Cliche Plot Point! Will Jasonstorm:

A: Stop the Rogue Firestorm easily.
B: Be attacked by the French Firestorm's who mistake him for the Rogue Firestorm.
C: Attack the French Firestorm's thinking they're the Rogue Firestorm.
D: Fight with the French Firestorms for a few pages before saying, "I don't want to fight you!"
E: Get punched by Supergirl.

The answer is: Who the fuck knows?! She keeps speaking a soon to be dead language!

Her name is Firehawk and the British chap is Hurricane. Hurricane tells Jasonstorm to sit this one out. He'll take care of the Rogue and Firehawk will lead the bystanders to safety.

What a fucking bitch! She speaks French to the American and now she's speaking English to the French!

During this battle, Ronnie is still out of it in Terroristvania while Pozhar kills everything around him with quotes about a God he doesn't believe in. Um, I'm assuming. Again. While Ronnie is unconscious, Martin Stein is trying to communicate with him! Cartoon Firestorm is about to be reborn! Long time fans rejoice! That isn't me, by the way, although I did like the cartoon version. I never followed any of his comic books. And I have the action figure!

Back in France, Firehawk creates a horse out of her Radioactive Fire to lead all of the innocent people to safety and cancer treatment centers. Hurricane believes he's saved the day.

He said it! I didn't! I didn't call nobody no Frog!

But the man Hurricane stops isn't the only Rogue Firestorm in the area. An old lady that Jasonstorm stopped earlier turns out to be one as well and she's headed for the Eiffel Tower. Of course. How come everything that ever happens in Paris happens at the Eiffel Tower? Is Grifter currently fighting here as well? Wasn't he fighting here during his issue eight too? What chaos!

One other weird thing before the Eiffel Tower disappears in a nuclear mushroom cloud: Jasonstorm is Narration Boxing this entire time. But he's directing all of his comments at Ronnie. It's really annoying. Ronnie isn't here, Jason! And you hate him anyway! Why are you so concerned with what Ronnie might think about what you think about? Just stop it. You've got your codependent hat on.

Okay, back to the action.

Oh look! It really does get destroyed. I was just guessing that Jasonstorm would fail.

Back visiting with Pozhar and Ronnie, Ronnie finally wakes the fuck up and melts the face of a terrorist himself. Pozhar respects Ronnie's new willingness to let his power go and offers to train Ronnie. The two of them walk off to become the Rogue Firestorm killing branch of the Firestorm Protocols. And back in Paris, Jasonstrom transforms the falling debris of the Eiffel tower into rose petals. I would have turned it into sour candy but we can't all be awesome.

The new writer, Joe Harris, decides since he's already called the French "Frogs" and he's already made an Indian/scalping reference, he might as well go whole hog and throw out one more stereotype.

Oh, of course the black Firestorm can't swim. And he's still Narration Boxing to Ronnie! What is this guy's obsession with that jock?

The Fury of Firestorm the Nuclear Men #8 Rating: No change with a slight better than the last two issues at least.

The Fury of Firestorm #7

Who didn't see this coming when he flew off on his own last issue?

Before Jason could flee the stadium at the end of last issue, the news camera crew caught him on tape flying about like a glowing cartoon atomic particle. Madame Cobra is not pleased.

I knew they liked turning things into butterflies!

See? More butterflies!

I'm not sure what Jason is doing at Zither Tech. He hates what it represents. He hates Lady Cobra. He hates Ronnie. He hates lying. But I guess he loves free trucks and cash. It's pretty despicable. I think I like Ronnie best because he's just a dumb asshole. But he sure knows a lot about football!

How profound! You stupid Candymancer(tm)! Every grade school kid who's played a pick up football game knows that!

Maybe I don't like Ronnie either! Who the fuck is left? Pozhar! I think Pozhar should be the star of the comic book. Except he's a self-righteous know-it-all. We might be too similar for me to like him. I think I'll just wait until some new Firestorms join the comic before I find one I like.

Ronniestorm is captured by, well, I don't know who. People who are up to no good, I suppose. Luckily for him, Pozhar is following him and Pozhar knows how to shoot a Firestorm Blast at a point in time where the enemy will be, not just where the enemy is when he looks up. So he's pretty good.

Oh! Oh! But Ronnie's mom has finally returned to the comic!

Oh Ronnie's Mom, how you've changed. I think I liked you better when Gail Simone was writing you.

Ronnie mom is worried but I think she's actually hitting on Jason's dad. Maybe she's into amputees. Before Ronnie's mom interrupted, Jason was trying to tell his dad that they have to leave because they can't trust Zither Tech. But why would Jason's dad want to leave that refrigerator packed full of cow? Free fucking beef, son! You don't walk away from FREE FUCKING BEEF!

Back in Terroristvania, Ronnie gets tortured by some scientist that wants to learn about the real Firestorm Protocol and not all the second-generation counterfeits running around the black market. But before he can get any information out of Ronnie, Pozhar arrives, defeating the rogue Firestorm Ashra Khan and the scientist as well. Although I don't think "defeat" is the proper term when a Super Powered Nuclear Man murders a non-powered human being who is also a little bit chubby.

WAS a little bit chubby.

Ronnie calls Pozhar to help him stop the pain from the strange green fire the torturer was using on him. Pozhar frees Ronnie Raymond and walks away. But Ronnie didn't want to be freed. Um. What? I guess he wanted Pozhar to kill him then? Probably. Because Ronnie is left disfigured and missing his left hand from the torture session. Ha ha!

The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #7 Rating: No change. I don't like Jason or Jasonstorm. I don't like Ronnie or Ronniestorm. I think my love affair with Ronnie's mom is over, so that doesn't interest me anymore. And Pozhar is just an arrogant jerk but he's the most likable character in the comic. I don't really care much about the plot either. What I'm saying is that I'm not a fan of Firestorm. The political intrigue and Nuclear Man arms race is not thrilling.

The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #6

I like that the explosion left a Firestorm logo crater. Nice one!

Ronniestorm and Jasonstorm were both convinced to join up with Zither Tech. Zither Tech is the big bad guy corporation and now they've become its pawns. They're just idiot high school students who had a lot of cash and the possibility of fame (which brings girls (and guys for Ronniestorm)) thrown at them and they just couldn't resist. They thought their first mission would be a public relations cakewalk and instead it turned into a giant catastrophe as a complete stadium was blown to smithereens. Now they're going to have to deal with their choices like the high school students they are. "It wasn't my fault!"

Ronniestorm and Jasonstorm ask why and yell and cry and scream and flip the fuck out because about two thousand people were just killed by a rogue Firestorm blowing himself up at a concert. But the comic is only twenty pages long so one of them is going to have to get them to concentrate on putting a good story together because I don't want to read twenty pages of "Oh the Humanity."

Unless maybe it were written by a better writer than Gail Simone.

Actually, it is about him. And it's about you as well, Jasonstorm. The 2,000 people killed are dead. Their experience is over. Demean them or pray over them, it's all the fucking same thing to them now. Piss on their ashes, actually. And it still isn't about them. But it is about you and why the fuck are you pissing on the ashes of these innocent victims, you disgusting fuck? See! You're alive and it is about you now. So deal with it and don't fucking think praying is going to be any better than flipping the fuck out.

The rogue Firestorm may have turned himself into a bomb to kill all of these people, but he certainly didn't die. He's currently watching Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm's reactions.

Oh, look who is holier than thou about the violence religion causes. After what you just did, I'm not sure you're in any position to judge, Douchestorm.

Oops. Excuse the fuck out of me. That's Pozhar, the Russian Firestorm. Carry on with your judging religion! Everything's cool between us. You hunt Firestorms, right? Well, I know almost everybody ever is practically a Firestorm at this point, but I'm not one of them. So carry on killing the two teenaged American Firestorms.

Pozhar blasts Ronniestorm and Jasonstorm with a Firestorm Fireball which simply pisses them off, especially Ronniestorm.

Hey now! I just got done apologizing to this guy! Don't go including me and 300 million other people in your insult!

Pozhar turns off Ronniestorm's power somehow. Probably as easily as turning stone into butterflies. He also subdues Jasonstorm with vines which seems really weak on Jasonstorm's part. I don't think he was trying too hard to save Ronnie. But the two high schoolers do convince Pozhar that they weren't behind the bombing but were trying to stop it instead. Pozhar believes them but mostly because he senses that these two Firestorms knew Stein and were created with legitimate Firestorm technology. Pozhar flies away but warns them he'll be back if they act up.

Afterward, Ronnie and Jason have a slight disagreement about what to do next.

This is Jason's opening argument in every debate.

So they fight a bit and Jasonstorm Narration Boxes during the whole thing. The bottom line: they don't like each other and never will. They will never work together. They hate each other. They'll never see eye to eye. BFF never. Ronniestorm flies off to chase down Pozhar and Jasonstorm reports back to Zither Tech.

And then she tells him to run because the military is coming to kill him. And the reporters pull up at the same time and run out of their van ready for an exclusive. Idiots. I even hate fictional comic book news reporters!

The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #6 Rating: No change. I was really hoping for a lot more here than Ronnie and Jason fighting Pozhar and then Ronnie and Jason fighting each other and now, lo and behold, Ronnie and Jason on the run and blamed for the terrorist attack. Trite. Not very exciting. No Ronnie's mom.

The Flash #8

I hate Turbine already.

Last issue ended with The Flash entering a tear in the fabric of space and time so that he could find Iris West. He has no idea if what he's doing will help but you need a whole lot of stupidity and a fairly high percentage of death wish to be a super hero. But when he enters the wormhole, he ends up inside the Speed Force instead of blasting through time. Why would the Speed Force that he taps into not only be a field of energy but a place as well, right? Makes as much sense as everything else in this comic book.

And since the comic is already in a pretty sketchy area of believability, turns out there is a Tuskegee Airman from World War II trapped inside the Speed Force as well. His experimental plane he was flying somehow transported him into it. And now he lives there. But he doesn't want to live there. He wants out and believes The Flash is the way. He knows The Flash is Barry Allen as well. So perhaps living in the Speed Force allows him to see the lives of the people affected by it.

Oh yeah. The guy's name is Turbine and his super power is spinning around in circles.

Wheee! Maybe when he gets better at it, he can roll down hills.

Once The Flash knees Turbine in the face (because spinning around really fast isn't the best defense in the world (the best defense is falling down in a fetal position)), Turbine decides he'll speak with The Flash instead of fighting him. So big point loss to The Flash for ending a comic with a guy who didn't really want to fight in the first place just for the action packed cliffhanger. Sure, Turbine is crazy and has been trapped in the Time Stream/Speed Force/Whatever the Fuck It Is for 70 years. And the spinning around all the time probably isn't helping.

Turbine knows all about The Flash because being trapped in the Time Stream / Speed Force allows a person to watch the lives of other people across the horizon like a super entertaining Aurora Borealis. I wonder how many times he's watched Barry take shit or masturbate. Or masturbate while taking a shit.

A path opens up to another wormhole to the future which Barry wants to follow but Turbine convinces him to go backwards and look at images of The Flash's origin story.

I prefer 'votices'.

Turbine (who I would like and fine more interesting if his spinning around really fast wasn't a real super power at all but he's just crazy and believes it is so he named himself) tells The Flash that the Speed Force builds up excess energy and it needs to be released somehow. When The Flash runs, he releases this energy like a pressure valve releasing steam.

Meanwhile in the real world, the Central City police are having a memorial service for police officers who died in the line of duty and Barry who died on a boat. Well, he disappeared into a wormhole but everyone might as well assume he's dead. Patty, of course, is hating on The Flash because that's how these kinds of relationships have to go down. She loves Barry Allen but hates The Flash! Oh the drama inherent in the set-up! It's too easy to pass up! But the real reason I mention this memorial service is because one of the officers, David Singh, a close friend of Patty's who had some weird flutes in his house that belonged to "a friend", introduces that friend to everyone. I think he might be The Pied Piper. Isn't that one of The Flash's Rogue's Gallery villains?

Is making The Pied Piper gay offensive?

Back to the Speed Force, Flash learns everything he needs to know about his super power. If he doesn't run, the Speed Force flips out and does crazy things like pulling Turbine's plane out of the world and trapping him inside itself. But when The Flash runs and releases that extra energy, wormholes open up within the Speed Force and release the energy. Things don't normally get sucked in. But every time a wormhole opens, Turbine tries to enter it to go home but he just spins around instead, creating a vortex which pulls shit through and ejects it into another time. Unless it crashes into the natural rock formations that exist within the Speed Force for some unknowable reason. So Turbine is to blame for stuff being transported through time! And Flash can go back to running super duper fast! Once The Flash kills Turbine, everything will work out in the end!

Except The Flash probably won't kill Turbine. Maybe he'll try to help him get back to 1944 so by the time The Flash returns to his time, Turbine will probably be dead. Maybe he'll be an old man and Barry Allen will visit with him. Maybe he'll become his Sidekick! Especially since Barry feels too responsible to fuck up the timeline by sending Turbine back to 1944. So he wants to take Turbine to the future with him. Turbine doesn't want to go and would rather kill The Flash.

How much more of a literal break from reality can Turbine get? He's been pulled out of it into Magic Picture Land.

Flash forces Turbine out of the Speed Force with him but Turbine yanks off his Lightning Bolt ear rig that lets him hear when he runs faster than the speed of sound and, I think, also contains the warning system that he isn't going to need anymore once he removes Turbine from the Speed Force. But after they escape, Iris West finds his antenna. It looks like her part of the boat did crash inside the Speed Force with the other victims. She'll probably find a way to contact Flash with his earpiece. But until then, she'll get to watch images of Barry Allen as he fucks Patty.

On exiting the Speed Force, Flash ends up in Gorilla City. Yay! It Monkey Time! Sorry if that offended any sentient gorillas reading this.

The Flash #8 Rating: +1 Rating. Still enjoying this comic! And now I'm pretending that Turbine doesn't spin very fast at all but he thinks he does. He'd be my favorite sidekick ever if he just followed The Flash around and spun about.

The Flash #7

Ha ha! Captain Cold kicked your sweet scarlet ass! I mean, your gross scarlet man butt.

I like Captain Cold better when he had a freeze gun. I understand getting rid of it though. The Flash is never going to rip Captain Cold's hands off to stop him. But if Captain Cold has to rely on a freeze gun, he really shouldn't ever be able to pull the trigger before The Flash just takes it out of his hands. So giving him an innate freezing power just makes more sense. Except The Flash should still be able to tie him up and throw him in a sack before Captain Cold even knows The Flash has arrived at the scene of the crime.

I have a sneaking suspicion The Flash isn't using his powers correctly! Also, I thought the Time Travel problem was going to make for an interesting story. But the writers are really just using it to give The Flash some limits. Because The Flash really should be the most powerful super hero in the DCU. From his point of view, everyone moves so slowly that they might as well have been frozen in time. He could disrobe Batman, shove Kryptonite up Superman's ass, and hog tie Wonder Woman with her Lasso in a fraction of a second. But replace the super hero names with super villain names because he's not a bad guy. But instead of being super powerful, he's mucking around with small time crooks like the jerks in the Rogue's Gallery. I think The Flash might have a below average intelligence.

I think the fallen for her line earns a Speed Force Pun Point.

Here's where we left off last time: Patty, the Flash's sort of girlfriend, is just about to smash her face into the ice. Or the back of her head. Whatever! Who looks at the pictures in these things? But The Flash has reached critical level with his Speed Force Energy and he's got an icicle jammed in his shoulder and maybe he doesn't really love Patty after all and this is an easy way out of the relationship. Hey! It's an option!

I'm sorry. Can I be done with comics? The Flash actually calls him Captain Cold like it's his name or a respected title! It's so ridiculous! What the hell have I been reading for 25 years?! It's so silly! Oh, also, try saying both of these lines in just one second. Go ahead. I'll give you one second.

Who is this guy and why does he care where Barry went? Is this why Barry got up to use the bathroom?! Is this The Flash's real secret? Or is the letterer just a lazy fuck-up who flipped up his speech bubble?

Barry rushes off to save Patty, ignoring the warnings of the Speed Force Nag Gadget he's wearing to protect DC Continuity and to make him less effective as a super hero. But that's the way it should be! He can't do his job while listening to some stupid alarm system constantly telling him he's going to fuck up all time and space. He's got a fucking job to do and he's here to do it even if it kills everyone or pisses off long-time comic book reading racists who can't handle Firestorm being half-black. I mean, one out of the two guys who combine to make the Firestorm Fury monster is black. And the other one whines at his mom over dinner about how she they don't have any black friends. Man, I miss Firestorm! I haven't read that comic since January either! But it's up next in the queue! I hope Ronnie's mom is in the next issue. She's so funny!

Shouldn't being caught by a guy running at 500 miles per hour hurt worse than slamming into the Earth at 32 feet per second per second? Somebody do the math.

The Flash's power creates another rip in time. I guess his power ignores Flash Point! He should go run around Legion Lost and help them get home!

This rip in time creates a wormhole that sucks the other half of the ship up through it. Iris West and a couple other passengers were still on this half of the ship and they disappear into the time stream. Maybe the next title of the New 52 will be Iris West and Some Other Normal People Lost!

Whoops!

Captain Cold has also fallen into the river, revealing his weakness. Water freezes over him and he can't control his powers. He can barely even breathe. So he has the same weakness as the Wicked Witch of the West: a bucket of water! Flash is just a little bit angry about Iris West and the other people plunging into the freezing water and he takes it out on Captain Cold. Like it's his fault that The Flash causes tears in reality! How was he supposed to know? So The Flash pummels Captain Cold in the face until Captain Cold reveals that his sister is dying because of The Flash's EMP and that's why he was acting like such an ass. Aww! Forgiven?

That's better! Just call him 'Cold'. Fuck that Captain shit!

Flash heads back to Dr. Elias and that awful treadmill that I know is going to be trouble so that he can run off his excess Speed Force energy. He makes Elias promise that when he fills the batteries by running on the treadmill that the doctor will use some of that energy to help out Captain Cold's sister. But The Flash isn't going to be around for that.

Yep. The Cosmic Treadmill is back. DCU Continuity is fucked and we're only on Issue #7.

The Flash's plan to find Iris is to create another wormhole while running faster than the speed of light on his new Cosmic Treadmill. Then he'll run through it and disappears into the time stream and he'll find Iris West! Just like that! Well, maybe not just like that. But it's Time Travel, right? So he can just keep trying again and again until he finds her and he's the only one that actually ages relative to everyone else in the Time Stream. So he's just sacrificing a few years randomly hopping to different points of time and space until he finds her. It shouldn't take that long, right? How long was Quantum Leap on the air?

Meanwhile, somewhere (and some time?) in Africa, Gorilla Grodd and his super apes are awaiting the second coming of their Gorilla saviour. Will it be Barry? I don't know because I don't know if this Gorilla scene is supposed to be in the present or the future. Does Gorilla City exist right now in the DCU? Flash and Green Lantern mention working together to stop a Gorilla back in one of the Justice League comics that took place five years ago in the new continuity. Maybe The Flash will accidentally send Grodd back in time to fight himself.

Flash Point seems to have no effect on The Flash and that makes enough sense as it having any effect on anybody ever anyway. So, you know, whatever. If someone needs to travel through time in the DC Universe, they either can't because of Flash Point or they can because the writer really needs them to travel in time. But The Flash doesn't actually end up going anywhere in time. He's still somewhere in the Speed Force or the Time Stream or some other halfway space when he's grabbed from behind by some guy named Turbine who is stuck in the Speed Force and wants The Flash to get him out. But that story will have to wait until next issue.

The Flash #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like this comic because it's not afraid to be a comic. Like Mister Terrific, it doesn't really care to try to explain the nonsense with much more than a flippant line or two that is just meant to wink at the reader and say, "Yeah, yeah. I know. But here, let's pretend this excuse makes up for the silly." I appreciate that! Just like Batman being able to grapple any building and swing across town, I'll make fun of it but I don't actually mind it. It's just part of the normal course of comic events. Like The Flash running super fast and not smashing into walls constantly or exploding people's heads when he's simply trying to save them. Just like how I pointed out that Time Travel is impossible in the DCnU except when a writer wants it to be possible, I don't mind ridiculous shit in comics unless I want to mind it for a joke or because I hate J.T. Krul's writing! So there!

The Flash #6

The cover would garner the comic 1 Speed Force Point if I were still grading it on puns.

Last issue, The Flash learned that his super power of running fast is going to fuck up the Time Continuum once again. And he just screwed it up in Flashpoint so that the New 52 could happen. I bet old DC fans are hoping he'll try time travel some more so they can finally purchase Detective Comics #882, which hopefully won't be written by Tony Daniel.

The comic begins with The Flash battling Captain Cold.

This shouldn't be too hard! He's been drinking and he's out of shape!

The Flash realizes that Captain Cold somehow doesn't need his freeze pistols anymore. And he's somehow stronger. And The Flash is somehow slower? Whatever is going on, The Flash isn't up against the Captain Cold he's been used to fighting. But the reader will find out all about that later. First, the comic has to go back in time like most comics do. It's an anomaly in the way time works in comic books. It begins during a fight so that teenagers and younger kids and immature men overloaded with testosterone won't put the book down. And then time moves backwards to explain why the fight happened in the first place. Sure, this is taking the chance that the reader will become bored trying to read a bunch of words while people act rationally and go about their daily lives. But the reader knows (because of the first few pages) that a fight is about to break out and that keeps him interested! Eventually time snaps back to the place it left off before zipping back in time and then it usually continues smoothly until the end where it stops for a full month.

Back to the past, Barry and Patty are returning from an intimate vacation. Wasn't he having trouble connecting with Patty up until now? I thought maybe they were sort of dating but it turns out their fairly serious. She even flies dangerously with her head in his lap instead of in a full, upright position with her lap belt fastened. Fucking daredevil, that woman.

Let me just say before I forget say anything about it, I love ice cream. Also, the art in this comic is fucking gorgeous. Just, just, really well done. Kudos to you, Manapaul. Mmm, kudos and Manapaul sound like types of ice cream. Okay, Manapaul doesn't. Unless it's a gay, existentialist flavour.

Hmm, that's an odd shape for an airplane.

Okay, okay. They were on a bus and not an airplane. I guess I should have realized it when the kids were running back and forth in the aisle and their white trash parents couldn't give a fuck to make them stop annoying everyone else. Plus, Barry and Patty are just lousy Central City cops. They probably can't afford to fly. And they also aren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend until this exact moment. As you can see, I make a lot of assumptions. But I'm been very up front about that! If you're just finding that out now, you haven't read every single gem I've written. I'm not saying all the commentaries are gems! But the one that explained how I make assumptions all of the time was a gem and you should read it. But I've forgotten which one that was, so just go read them all.

Look at that! Someone's trying to explain one of the bigger problems I have with The Flash's super power! Isn't it cute?! Sure it doesn't make any sense! But I'll buy into it because sometimes I'm too cynical and I want to be a better person. No, wait. A worse, more naive and gullible person.

That guy, Dr. Elias, just reminded me of Mr. Pibb. I haven't had any soda in 14 months. Just water, unsweetened Iced Tea, the occasional coffee and the obligatory alcohol (very rarely though). I don't crave it as much as I thought I would. But I do often feel nostalgic for it. I miss having a giant liter of Pepsi while I write. I think I need to create a holiday for myself so that one day a year, I can go wild and drink as much soda as I want! Maybe I'll celebrate at Fizz over on Belmont here in Portland when I finally catch up on reading all of these stupid comic books. I'll take the new comics and my laptop and my scanner and sit at the soda bar while drinking soda after soda! Or maybe I'll just get drunk.

Oh, wait. I meant to say that Dr. Elias is forcing Barry to have sex. No. Stop it. Dr. Elias is forcing Barry to wear a monitor which measures Barry's output of Speed Force. So it measures puns? Oh shit! That thing is going to break the fuck right down. Barry understands the importance of the gadget though because if he isn't careful, he's going to renumber all of DC's comics again.

Dr. Elias also built Barry a big treadmill that helps siphon off his excess energy and stores it. This is not looking good for the DC Universe. This thing is too much like the Cosmic Treadmill that started every continuity error ever!

Back to the present where Patty is on that boat way up on that ice pillar.

I don't know why Captain Cold froze all the ships way up in the air. Or how exactly he managed it. But there must be a payoff there somewhere.

Or maybe there isn't any payoff except to kill The Flash! Captain Cold is angry because he stole an experimental laser to save his sister who is dying from a brain tumor and the hospital can't run it on the generators. The power grid is currently down because of the EMP blast from Issue #2 (or 3?). The papers are speculating that The Flash caused it so Captain Cold decides it's The Flash's fault that his sister is going to die. And he decides to kill The Flash.

So that's why all the boats are up on ice pillars. Captain Cold was trying to lure The Flash out for a fight. And it worked pretty easily since Barry just happened to be on one of those boats with Patty and Iris West. Luckily he's in the bathroom when the disaster strikes so he doesn't have to make up a cowardly excuse to become The Flash.

If he slows down your powers when you're near him, then that should drop your Energy Level as well. Problem solved! Unless he kills you. And still, problem solved!

The Flash is too distracted trying to keep his energy levels down below 80%. He's not paying any attention to the number anyway. He's still doing his thing as his Energy Levels rise and rise and rise. All the monitor is doing is distracting him and making him hesitate. Because he's worried about screwing up time, he's unable to save Patty as the part of the ship she's on comes crashing to the ground. So now Patty is smashed to bits, Captain Cold has the upper hand, and Barry's energy level is at 98%. Is he going to try to make the ship with Patty go back in time? Would that work or would her smashed corpse just end up twenty years in the past? I suppose it was just Patty's time to go.

The Flash #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like the story and I love the art. Although the exploded time narration was a little bit stupid and overdone.