Catwoman #2

Does that Gargoyle have a Prince Albert?

Okay, now that the Batman and Catwoman sex scene is out of the way, we can move on with the rest of the comic. Hopefully, the first issue is a sign there will be a kind of reversal of the usual Catwoman/Batman relationship. Usually it's filled with sexual tension and blue bat balls. But now, right from the start, BANG!

Now I hope Batman will be bitter and whiny and hateful because Catwoman never bothers to call him back or acknowledge him and he gets all stalker-like (more so than usual) and clingy. And Catwoman will be all, "Dude! Be cool!" and "Act like a man!" and "You're like a bat to me!"

But I doubt it because that would be different and interesting and Judd Winnick is writing this comic. Oh! Burn!

Sorry, Judd Winick. I would have written that line if nearly anybody had written Catwoman. Except maybe Peter Milligan. Or Grant Morrison. Or Warren Ellis. Or John Ostrander. Or Peter David. Or Keith Giffen. Or Steven T. Seagle. Or Brian Azzarello. But anybody else and I probably would have used that joke!


I really tried to find an image of Robin in this position for this issue's photoshop.

Before things can get moving, Batman needs to leave! What's wrong with Batman? He never hangs around Commissioner Gordon when he's done with him! He just disappears as Gordon keeps talking. I'm pretty disappointed with Batman's One Night Stand Fu.

Catwoman is the one to get dressed and run off.


It's good to see Judd still using his 'again' punchline.

I also tried to find the clip from Real World San Francisco where Judd explains his comic strip is funny because the character in it is doing something dumb 'AGAIN!' But that just led to me watching one five minute clip of Puck and not being able to stomach any more. The other roommates might have been in the clip as well but they were all so boring, who could tell?

Catwoman ends up stealing the Russian's horse painting that is worth nothing but all the different clans want it anyway. So she sets up a drop at a Bruce Wayne charity function, offering to sell it to two separate clans.



Bruce Wayne recognizes her as Catwoman immediately. It could be her face is very distinctive. Or he remembers every inch of those boobs. Or maybe her Cat o' Nine Tails she's using as her belt.

During her big night out, she kisses Bruce Wayne,



gets a bunch of Russian mob guys to kill each other,



comes home to find her friend dead in the apartment,



and meets Mr. Bone!



Pretty good night!

I think Catwoman needs to be a little more cautious about her whole secret identity half of her life! It's no good wearing a mask if you're just going to let anybody looking up see you go into your apartment in full cat getup!

If I'm ever found dead and half-eaten in my apartment, these bastards are to blame!


Pelafina and Judas being disgusting.

Catwoman #1

Here is Catwoman. Her super power is being sexy and acting like a cat. Gotham is really just a town full of Furries. Or Otherkin. You know, there are probably quite a few Plushies as well, like the Ventriloquist.

This is the second comic series of the 52 that has a Teen Plus rating. Batwoman was the other title. So if the title of your comic has 'woman' in it, you're going to have to have a Teen Plus rating. That's because no matter how many heads get chopped off in Batwing or no matter how many brains get blown out in Batman and Robin, the real danger to our youth is sexual women. What a bunch of bullshit, DC. If the ratings actually meant anything, I'd actually feel compelled to care. Maybe write a strongly worded missive. But I'm willing to bet that almost nobody even looks at the stupid ratings on the comics.



Here's an aside that probably doesn't belong in a discussion of comic books but it fits in with this ridiculous rating system: You do know why conservative politicians try to outlaw abortion while at the same time trying to suppress birth control for minors even though that's the best way to prevent pregnancies AND abortions? It's because sexual women scare them. Not scare them in the way that Freddy Krueger might scare them. But they just can't deal with it. A sexual woman is a powerful woman. I'm not saying all powerful women have to be sexual. Although that'd be cool! But no matter how much a conservative person might think they believe in the equality of the sexes (and probably quite a few liberal ones as well!), they still can't quite grasp a woman who is on equal footing with a man in the bedroom. How come women can never be studs in the mainstream world? They just go right from virgin to slut. Women will never truly be equal until their sexuality is thought of in the same way that male sexuality is thought of.

And women need to learn this as well! I'm not letting them off the hook. Women are some of the worst offenders at labeling other women sluts or tramps or whores. Seriously, people. Knock it off and grow up.

Before I start reading Catwoman, let me repeat one more time because this is important to really note: DC has comics where people are being decapitated, dismembered, shot in the face (AND ALL OF THIS DEPICTED ON-PANEL!) and these comics are rated TEEN. Batwoman depicts a lesbian having sex with no nudity and not graphic in the least and the comic gets a TEEN PLUS. I haven't read Catwoman yet but she doesn't kill. She's a burglar. I can only imagine the TEEN PLUS is because she's sexual.

Wake up, America. Get a fucking clue. Violence is bad. Sex is not bad. Get it? No, you never will.


Teen Plus


Merely Teen

And now on to Catwoman! Mrowr!

This is my rendering of the first page of Catwoman:



And because after that, I know everyone will want to see what it really looks like without having to do all of that web image searching garbage:



I wasn't sure if I should blame Judd Winnick for Vendor being spelled incorrectly or if I should blame Sal Cipriano, the letterer. And then I decided I should just blame the editors, Rickey Purdin and Rachel Gluckstern, for not doing their jobs! I guess it's hard to notice the words when all those boobs are vying for your attention.

You know what? I'm not posting any more softcore porn for you hard-up nerds! But I am going to draw all the sexy Catwoman scenes for you! Get out the lotion and the socks, laddies, because it's Psexy Ptime! (Psexy Ptime with 'P's because it isn't really very sexy at all.)

So first off, Catwoman is running away from some guys whom she stole from and they learned where she lives.


That isn't her piddling! That's the corner of the hallway and ricocheting bullets! I hope I get better at this!

On page 3, right after that last panel I drew, she jumps backwards out of a window. Unless she jumped out head first and spun around immediately. But I think she turned around after running down the hall and leapt out backwards. Probably because she does this a lot and her mask wasn't all the way on but it was on enough to protect the back of her head.


Is every page going to be sexy?

Catwoman's apartment blows up and she needs a job and a place to stay. So she hangs out at a Russian Mafia party tending bar and eavesdropping on the Russians who assume women can't speak Russian. And then she sees a guy who apparently killed a girl she knew while she watched. And the comic book does get a little violent!



So DC could use the excuse that it's the sex and the violence that puts it in the Teen Plus range. And Batwoman's sidekick does get nearly eviscerated in parallel panels with Batwoman getting laid. So they can point to those things, possibly, to justify a different rating. But Batman has sex in his comic. Although Clark doesn't get any in his comic. Ha ha! It's still mostly probably almost totally because of sexism though.

But enough of that sexism crap! It doesn't even matter because the Ratings are just bullshit labels to keep the government off their back! "Hey look! We're morally policing ourselves so you don't have to!" How do you even keep from selling comics to people who aren't old enough? What teen under sixteen has an ID with an age on it? Military kids, maybe, and that's about it! I'm going to ask my comic book store owner about the ratings next time I stop by. I'll report back what he says in some other random comic reading!

So Catwoman takes off to the penthouse apartment she's crashing in after getting some info about a painting that could be worth her time stealing. And Batman shows up at the apartment.

He claims to be there checking up on her because he heard that her apartment blew up. But we know why he's really there. She's vulnerable and almost definitely going to seduce him. He is the Great Bat Detective! He knows exactly what he's doing!

Catwoman thinks he protests and then gives in. It's all show! It's the perfect fuck buddy for Batman! She doesn't know who he is or how to find him so it can't get too complicated! But then, that's what guys always think. Guys always think some arrangement can be made where you can fuck a chick with no strings attached and remain free to do what you want. Forget what I said about Batman knowing what he's doing!

Batman must be pretty desperate! He even lets Catwoman remove his utility belt herself! Dude! She's a major thief! You probably just lost half your gadgets! I can't wait until Batman ends up somewhere while The White Rabbit and Catwoman and Vicki Vale and Wendy Charlotte all end up in the same place with him and Bruce Wayne too!

Yeah. So it ends with Catwoman on top of Batman and Catwoman saying something about "Still, it doesn't take long" and I'm not going to scan any of these pictures nor am I going to draw any of them. You know how Bing and Google work!

Batwing #4

There it is. The today tag again. And this is two weeks after Massacre has been killing people for three weeks. And the opening of issue one took place six weeks before Massacre came on the scene. So we've got one week left until the fight by the pyramids and Batwing realizes Massacre is his brother Isaac. Unless it's his husband Isaac? No, wait, that's a different story.

Yes, I'm obsessed with the timeline! And that crotch shot in the picture above! Woo hoo!

This issue begins with Batwing finding the corpse of a third member of The Kingdom, a woman named Dawnfire. Her super power was setting fires just as the sun rose. Sure, the power limited her usefulness but she was still more respected than Aquaman! Burn! In your face, trying to be cool new Aquaman!


Holy Batdysmorphia! Bring back Ben Oliver and his Lens Flares!

After Batwing acts all lecturish, we're taken on another flashback to ten years previously before Isaac was Massacre. Hey, the names are kind of similar too! Isaac and David are known as The Dragonflies because it's cooler if they've got nicknames. They also kill people really well. Or they're really good at killing people but the people don't get killed any better or worse than if they were killed by someone else.


Oops! I forgot this was Africa. I meant they're really good at butchering people!

And then Judd Winnick drops another clue that Massacre is Isaac but, come on, we all figured it out as soon as you mentioned David had a brother in a flashback that didn't mean anything in the middle of the Massacre story line!



See? That's what Massacre says during the fight that takes place in the real present. "We honor them all in blood." Boy, I hope the big reveal that Massacre is actually Isaac didn't take any readers by surprise. If it took you by surprise, you need to rethink how you're reading comic books!


Well there went an hour of comic book reading lost to photoshop.

During the flashback, Isaac disobeys orders to save the women and children of a village they are raiding. His punishment is death. But before he 'dies' by falling off the edge of a cliff, the Warlord does this to him so we can recognize him as an adult and when he's drawn by a better artist:



Batwing's flashback boy version escapes the warlord and declares he is done with killing. And then the non-flashback man version finally realizes he should find the last members of The Kingdom before Massacre does in order to stop him.

Batwing #3

Who wants to bet it isn't their final battle? Well, maybe their final battle together since Thunder Fall could die.


We're never getting back to the present!

During this little walk down memory lane, we learn that David and his brother Isaac were natural born killers. At least killers of armed men. They would not harm the women and children of a village and when their commanders tried to beat them for it, the two brothers beat them all. Two versus sixty or more.

What this probably means is that Massacre is Batwing's little brother. It might not mean that but why else mention this story at this point in the plot?

And then either Judd Winnick outright lied to us at the beginning of issue one or he simply forgot about the story he started to tell or he decided that nobody would remember the beginning anyway since it was written months ago and probably took the reader three minutes to read.



See that 'Today' bar I've been waiting so long to get back to? Well, it shouldn't be today, this fight by the school in the Congo. Because the first issue began with Batwing fighting Massacre beside the pyramids. So that fight beside the pyramids must have been the future! Even though at one point, Batwing says, "This is now..." and then the ellipsis finish over on the next page where he thinks, "This was then" and we get the Six Weeks Ago tag.

I know, I know! Maybe I should wait and see how it plays out! But if I don't complain now, I'll forget. And if it never plays out logically, I'll have forgotten that I was trying to pay attention to the flow of time and Judd Winnick will have won! But he won't win! HE WON'T WIN!

On the next page, Batwing think-narrates this:



So maybe the TODAY tag was wrong. Or intentionally misleading. Perhaps that today tag should have read THREE WEEKS AGO. I'm watching you, Mr. Winnick.

Batwing and Massacre have a little battle. Batwing is about to die, of course. It can never go smoothly. But then Thunder Fall saves him! Batwing leaves Massacre alive and well and not in custody at all and flies Thunder Fall to the nearest hospital.

When Batwing tries to find out if Thunder Fall knows why Massacre is killing members of The Kingdom, Thunder Fall tells him it's because Massacre knows what The Kingdom did.



And then it looks like Thunder Fall dies with the secret! And it looks like next issue is going to be another flashback! Who can tell where Batwing takes place in the new DCU Timeline!?

Batwing #2

Some people and/or robots might not have understood my synopsis of the first issue of Batwing so before I begin with Issue Two, I'll do a quick recap of Issue One.

Batman gives some guy named David Zavimbe a Batman Franchise in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Oh, by the way, doesn't the name 'The Democratic Republic of Congo' sound like they're trying too hard? Like they're neither Democratic nor a Republic but they really, really want you to think they are and maybe just ignore the roving gangs of thugs ruling everything?

So David becomes Batwing. He captures a guy named Tiger Blood who hollers but isn't let go. Once in prison, David wants to continue finding out more about the activities of this guy's thugs because there has been a ton of people slaughtered by him. One of the people slaughtered was a Super Hero named Earth Strike. He was part of an early African Super Team called The Kingdom. David returns to work to find everyone murdered. I mean butchered. People don't get murdered in Africa, apparently. They get butchered. Then when he's blaming himself, he gets stabbed through the midsection by a bad guy named Massacre. I think he's a bad guy being that he chose the code name, 'Massacre'.

After that, six weeks goes by and Batwing fights with Massacre in front of the pyramids and we're back to how the comic book started.

Then Issue Two begins Eight Months previous to Massacre about to genocide a busload of tourists.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO:


David gets fitted with his wings.

Batman gives David a pep talk about how being Batwing isn't about the high tech weaponry and the bat-gadgets and the wings, it's about David's will and his mind and his desire. So he's sort of like a Green Lantern without the crutch! That's why Batman can defeat Green Lantern!

I'm pretty sure DC has a master list of heroes in order of who can beat who. So the guy at the top of the list is Batman and nobody ever gets to defeat Batman unless Batman somehow allows it. Bob Kane must have sucked some major editor dick to get that in the contract. Superman is probably second on the list although I don't know enough about the Justice League characters to really speculate past Batman! Now this list would just be what heroes can beat up other heroes! Villains may, at any time a story calls for it, defeat any hero at all. Because it is always a temporary setback and doesn't have anything to do with the Super Hero Pecking Order that everyone knows Batman is at the top of.

And before you say I'm just a Batman fanboy, I really don't care who can beat up who in the DC Universe! I'm just being scientific here and studying the facts! I'm sure someone has compiled a list of every time two heroes duked it out and which one beat the other. Maybe in the New DC Universe, I should keep track of that! Let me get out my notepad!

After the Batwing costume fitting, the comic book returns to Six Weeks Previously. So far the comic book has only taken place in the present for six pages.

SIX WEEKS PREVIOUSLY:


I like how the inker turned the line of the wall that ended up in front of Batwing into a long drip of blood! Good cover!

Batwing is struggling to not die from the machete through his chest. This struggle goes on for three full pages. I think this is what the new kids are calling 'decompression' in the comic book world of story telling. Less panels and less actual movement of plot. It's especially annoying with comic books only running 20 pages now.

This is what a decompressed page looks like:



You technically have four panels here but we can effectively call it three. The majority of panels stretch the width of the page while more old school storytelling places two panels side by side. The effect is a lot of shots of people cut off in strange ways, as if you're looking through the slats of a fence. This page is a particularly egregious example due to the use of solid black silhouettes and tons of lens flares and blurry motion art. It's not even spectacular to look at!

This effectively draws out a plot that doesn't need to be extended for any reason except to extend the plot! It takes Judd Winnick five pages to get through this scene. He uses 16 panels to show Batwing being stabbed, fighting to not die, and then being rescued by Kia Okuru, the female cop from the first issue that I drew poorly. There isn't any actual tension built up by increasing the amount of pages this takes place. The panels don't do much but show close ups of clenched teeth and hands holding machete hilts and David gasping and struggling. It could have been told in one page, maybe two if I'm going to cut him some slack.

And this is seen as a good trend in comic books? I don't get it. People like to pay $3 or $4 for the amount of story that would have normally taken up maybe 10 pages of old school comic book writing? What else is Judd Winnick doing with his paycheck for writing for DC Comics? He's writing Catwoman and Batwing each month. So what does he do with the rest of the 29 days left in the month after doing his writing job?

Of course, I don't know why I'm complaining! If I had to read all of these comics every month and they were twice as dense as this, I'd never do anything else ever!

Batwing falls unconscious and later awakens in his Batcave, a place called Haven.


The dice on his shirt showing the 3, 4, and 5 sides are incorrect.

Everybody dies except Batwing and Officer Okuru. I don't know how Massacre managed to kill all of the other officers Okuru brought with her and only managed to nearly kill Batwing and beat her up. What a fucking failure! These villains really need to stop leaving the heroes alive! I bet Massacre pays for this later!

Massacre, by the way, seems to be hunting the members of the old Super Hero team, The Kingdom. Because he goes after a teacher who is actually the super hero Thunder Fall. He shoots thunder out of his hands! No, no he doesn't. He shoots lightning.


Oh, he also loses one of those hands.

And then Batwing appears with an amazing bit of dialogue that Judd Winnick thought up in just one month!


Why yes, you do look fat in that.

Batwing #1

Yes! A comic book about Batman's plane! This comic must be pretty exciting. Except it's not on the cover! How can a comic's main character not be on the cover? Stupid comic book. Maybe that guy with the bat symbol is Batwing. But who is he? Does he have to pay Batman for franchising rights?

I wonder why he's in Egypt. Is he Egyptian? Is this the Batman, Incorporated Franchise for Cairo? I hope he fights a mummy!

Batwing begins his glorious African adventures fighting some guy named Massacre! Oh my goodness! That sounds terrible!



From now on, I want more comics to explain to me why heroes and villains have chosen the names they have. Do they just pick what sounds cool like they're forming a band?

THUG #1: "Hmmm. I want to be a total badass. And I want everyone to know I'm so evil and mean that I'll kill them if they don't watch out! I think I'll name myself Genocide!"
THUG #2: "Whoa, whoa, bro! You're not causing some Cosmic Crisis here! Tone it down a bit!"
THUG #1: "But Genocide is good? If I were causing a Cosmic Crisis, I would choose Extinctulator! I think I'll go with Genocide!"
THUG #2: "But Genocide sounds like you're limiting yourself! Trying to wipe out one group of people. You want all groups to fear you!"
THUG #1: "Hmm, you're right. How about, um, Massacre?"
THUG #2: "Yes. DUDE. YES!"
THUGS #1 & #2: Fist bump explosion!

And Batwing probably thought up his name when applying for the Franchise with Batman.

Batwing: "How do you like The Black Bat?"
Batman: "No."
Batwing: "How about The Black Man? No, wait, Blackwing!"
Batman: "No."
Batwing: "Um, what would you suggest."
Batman: "Batwing."
Batwing: "Batwing it is!"

I don't think I want to read Batwing! I think I'd rather make it up myself. Then I'll send my version to Judd Winnick and he can see how much better my stuff is than his stuff!

As Batwing fights Massacre, Batwing gets his wing skewered to a pyramid and can't escape (even though he should just be able to slip right off the end of the blade) and has to watch in horror as Massacre approaches a bus full of retarded children. Or just adults. But I like to think with a name like Massacre that the people he's going to kill should be really sympathetic. And since Batwing can't break free, he decides to have a flash back to six weeks earlier, WHEN IT ALL BEGAN!

wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines

Six Weeks Earlier:



Six Weeks Earlier than that:



Six Weeks Earlier than that:



Sixteen Years Earlier than that:



Sixteen Years and Twelve Weeks Later than that:



The Day After That:

Batgirl #4

Is The Mirror called The Mirror simply because he's supposed to be a reflection of Barbara Gordon? Sort of like The Joker is a reflection of Batman? And Bizarro is a reflection of Superman? And Sinestro is a refraction of Green Lantern? That was a joke!

Because his mirror power doesn't seem to do shit. Maybe it's just because people with survivor's guilt have a tough time looking themselves in the eye?


Behold the power of Death Boomerang!

Hopefully there's something more to it and he actually has some sort of mirror power! But I doubt it.

And in the end, he doesn't. He has no mirror power. He's just a lousy reflective surface.

The cover basically says it all! Batgirl kicks out his face and makes him go crazy by projecting the news article of his family's car crash all over the mirrors in a funhouse. Where she lured him. And that's pretty much that for The Mirror!

One thing I particularly liked in this issue:



Hugo Strange has made an app to track Batman around Gotham. Good idea. Except this is Gotham! So it really needs to track Batgirl and Nightwing and Robin and Batwoman as well! And how do I know it doesn't do that?



Although Batgirl is recently just back on the scene, so the app may have buttons for the other Gotham heroes.

And then the issue ends with this Christmas Eve visit:


At least it wasn't The Joker with a gun!