The Unicorn Detectives

My friend's daughter is apparently playing Unicorn Detectives at school. They found two dead bunnies outside the school fence and decided to solve the mystery. She told her dad, "We're about to crack this case wide open!"

And then I drew a comic about it: Unicorn Detectives

It's my best work yet!

Firestorm #4

I just wanted to post that because I was excited to see Qurac on there. Qurac was basically the DC country where all of the super terrorists came from. Suicide Squad dealt with Qurac a lot. I think even Giffen's Justice League (possibly it was Europe) had some big run-ins with Qurac as well.

It's nice to be able to make a made-up nation so the readers can hate and revile everybody in the country without feeling racist or guilty. DC says Qurac is just filled to the brim with horrible people! They're ALL bad!

Of course, Qurac is in the Middle East! Racists!

So a guy I don't know (or don't remember) is selling a Firestorm maker to Qurac so that Qurac can have a never ending supply of nuclear suicide bombers. During the demonstration, we get a nice piece of Comic Book Logic.



So the outside of a person's skin protects against the Firestorm explosion rays? Is that why all you need is the goggles for protection? So the rays don't get inside you and burn through your skull and your brain and the inside of your skin? What happens if your mouth is open when the bomb goes off? Or is it the binoculars that somehow magnified the damaging rays? Or did he go blind so badly that his eyeballs exploded?

Man, comic books rule! I should keep a running list of insane comic book logic but that'll probably take up too much time and distract me from the enjoyment of Ronniestorm's mom.

Okay. Back to the Firestorms. Remember how I thought maybe Ronnie had a crush on Jason? Well, look at the way Ronnie runs!



Maybe he runs like that because his mother taught him how to run. Tonya is at the bottom of that picture (sorry, I cropped her out!) but, seriously, she has the exact same thighs as Ronnie in that picture. Maybe Ronnie is just wearing his mom's hand-me downs.

Back to the terrorists, Gail Simone isn't done criticizing unthinking patriots.

Lead Bad Guy Arms Dealer Terrorist: A toast to selfless patriotism, friends. Because without it, men like us would live in poverty.

But then!

Russian Firestorm: You dare to steal from Pozhar?
Most of the Bad Guys: AWWWW! OOOWWWW! DIE.
Lead Bad Guy Arms Dealer Terrorist: Surprise! I'm a Firestorm too! We're ALL Firestorms!

How many fucking Firestorms are there?

In a world where being a Firestorm is possible, only everyone will be Firestorms.
Firestorms don't kill people. Firestorms kill Firestorms?
If you're not a Firestorm, you're probably going to become one in a special twist ending.

This Firestorm comic is making Captain Atom obsolete! They basically have the same powers. So why does the American military want to keep Captain Atom out of the hands of the enemies? Everyone has a Firestorm! Fuck, I think Peru has a Firestorm! Belgium too probably!



That's the Russian Firestorm. Apparently he was Martin Stein's partner in creating the Firestorm Protocol. I like him.

This comic is just swarming with adversaries! Or possible friends as well? Russian Firestorm seems to like the justice. But that doesn't mean he isn't crazy and his sense of justice might be a little skewed. And then there was Dog Team. One of Dog Team had been turned into a super villain (possibly Killer Frost? Or with the 'Z' scar on her face, Absolute Zero?). The Hyena Patrol. The half-Cobra lady. Roger the American Hulk-Firestorm. Fury. Two Firestorms. The Arms Dealer Firestorm. Qurac. And I may be missing some somewhere! This comic is crazy.

Back in Walton Hills, the Ronnie's mom never gets any screen time! But Ronniestorm confronts a bunch of Hyenas and blinks his long, luscious eyelashes at them before they're all killed by their leader, Ms. Zither Zather Zuth. She asks him to come with her. Hmm? Will he betray everyone because she's hot?!



Probably not.

Meanwhile, Jasonstorm takes Tonya to the hospital where the doctor says this:



Bone fragments!? Jasonstorm can cure that by turning them into Oxygen! So the artist decides to draw:



It looks like the bullet did more than just fracture the skull! Stupid artists never listening to the writer!

Oh, why do I even bother trying to figure out what these stupid Firestorms are going to do?! When Jason leaves the hospital, Ronniestorm is there with Z-tech and Ronniestorm is all, "Oh, they're so awesome! I just met them and I just looooooove them to death! You've got to join up with me!"

So, what happened? Z-tech tries like hell to take out the Firestorms. Z-tech fails and loses their psychopathic Firestorm. So is Z-tech acting like Captain Atom's General Eiling except doing it all backwards? Eiling tried to get Captain Atom to join them and when that didn't work, they tried to kill him. Z-tech tried to kill the Firestorms and when that didn't work, they're going to get them to join them.

I wonder if Gail Simone has run into J.T. Krul in a hallway at DC and yelled, "You got your Captain Atom in my Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men!" And then they probably do it.

Firestorm #3

Half-sister of Cobra?

In the first panel of issue #3, we actually get a lot of information. Z-tech Compound is the base of operations for the Dog Commandos and Director Zither is the woman in charge. Not having been a follower of Firestorm before this, I'm not sure if these are clues to who these people are.

Let's hope the guy who's asking for her is interesting!

Hmm. Well, he looks like a cross between Killer Croc and The Hulk. And he's delusional! That'll be fun! The fourth page gives us a whole bunch of information about the Firestorm Protocols!


And a couple of panels later, we see her in her bra!

The Firestorm comic has the same narration problem as The Flash and Captain Atom. It's his inner monologue during the action of the comic but it all ends up being recaps directed at some unknown audience. I guess it's just a trope I'm going to have to get used to! It's either a standard thing with the editors at DC or it's just something that never bothered me before. I'll have to go through my old comics and see. Maybe it was a standard DC move to get rid of the omniscient narrator in favour of the Heroes doing all the recap and explanation. But it really is kind of weird.

I mention that because Firestorm thinks a recap for us about how spies were sent to take him out and how much he hates the black guy. Not because he's black (probably)! But because he's a jerky nerd! And Ronnie is a Jock so he obviously has to hate the Nerd!

Then there's a big fight that ends with Jasonstorm threatening the lead Hyena but Ronniestorm ends it like this:



But I think maybe he is that guy and Ronniestorm blinked because this is what happened to the other Hyenas:



So the Nerd has a bit of a temper when his girlfriend has been shot! Oh yeah, his girlfriend was shot. Except he's a nerd so she isn't actually his girlfriend and she doesn't even actually know he likes her. So you know what I'm hoping happens? Ronnie bangs her!

Or maybe Helix! Helix is America's Firestorm! He's huge! He's got a flaming head! And he's shitbat crazy! I think he's my favorite Firestorm. Why isn't the comic book about him?

Eagle eyed readers who used to ace the comprehension part of the standardized tests might realize by this point that I love crazy heroes! I want to read about more psychologically damaged heroes!

Speaking of: whatever happened to The Doom Patrol? Now there was a team!

Back to crazy ass Helix. Here's how he sees the world:



Helix is the best Villain of the Month so far (I'm not counting Hera since she's Villain of the Entire Run of Wonder Woman, I'm guessing. She was actually very bad ass and jealous and bitchy)! Here are the phrases Helix shouts while pummeling the Firestorms:

"God bless the U.S.A."
"A hero's welcome. A soldier's homecoming."
"What are you doing down there, terrorist?"
"These colors don't run."
"Love it or leave it."

He's just a big dumb stupid crazy patriot! And he's the bad guy! Sounds about right to me!

So the Firestorms get their asses kicked until they realize they have to become Fury again. And the only way to become The Hulk is to get really angry! At each other! So they do that and they're still getting their asses kicked. Until Jasonstorm finally learns (or accidentally happens) to control Fury. And my favorite new Villain of the Month ends up like this:


We had so little time together.

And that about wraps up this issue of Firestorm.

I'm sorry there were no pictures of Ronnie's mom in this issue. But next issue promises to have at least one!

This issue was much better than the last issue. The only problem is, and I'm sure this is on purpose, is there is too much action too fast and not enough of the relationship stuff between Jason and Ronnie. And I mean real relationship stuff. Not the occasional panel where one of them reminds you how much he doesn't like the other one. Stuff that happens across dialogue. Things said wrong. Reasons for their dislike surfacing. Ronnie's incestual relationship with his mom!

But I understand it's the first story arc! They're trying to catch new, young, male readers with a bang! I guess if I want more relationship stories, I should be reading the independent comics written by lesbians and/or Terry Moore.

If you understood that joke, you are a true comic nerd. Thank you!

The Very Big Cave Adventure

I don't just read comics! I also play ancient computer adventure games! I finally finished The Very Big Cave Adventure, Part Two, which I became really, really bored by a few months ago. So I stopped playing Computer Adventure games. But then I decided to finish it so I could get around to playing a new one that might be more exciting! I haven't started a new one yet. But I made a Walkstory* of The Very Big Cave Adventure, Part Two! It's not as entertaining as some of my other stories because I was pretty bored by it. The good news is it was easy to beat so I didn't waste much time on it!

*A walkstory is a Walkthrough** that I make into a story. It's still really easy to use as a Walkthrough*** though because of the way I format it. If you don't want to read my amazing story! Dumb!

**A walkthrough is a document that shows you how to win a game.

***I already told you what this is in the double asterisk footnote!

Firestorm #2

Oh Firestorm #2? Why were you so mediocre?



Well hurry it up, will you? I haven't got all day! I need to sleep sometime!

Maybe I'll just answer the question for you. We needed more story with Jason and Ronnie before putting them in this kind of action.



Yeah, yeah. Okay. Y'all needed to get Firestorm into the comic before all your fans dropped the thing. And I suppose you had some conflict with Jason and Ronnie while they were in the Quantum Field.


Now Ronnie knows how Professor Stein felt!

Yeah, that's the place. Just hanging out in the mind of Fury! Maybe that someone else is that Martin Sheen guy! Because they definitely aren't controlling this creature in the least. So there has to be a third mind helping out. Later in the comic, they get into an altercation while in the mind of Fury and Fury says some of there lines. So they can obviously control this thing. Perhaps the 'someone else' is some sort of Fire or Nuclear Elemental or Electron Creature or something that is the source of their power but is very hard to control! So it's going to be these two kids fighting about who is the bigger jerk while Nuclear Hulk smashes the hell out of everything.

The evil Corporation they're up against has some sort of weird canine fetish. The original group of black op assholes were Dog Team. And in this issue, Hyena Patrol, is sent in to take care of Fury the Furious Firestorm Who Is Definitely Not The Hulk.


I cropped this picture to retain Tonya's ass.

See? Red! Not Green! And on fire! Not not on fire!

Hyena Scouts are called Hyenas because they take some super drug to allow them to jump out of helicopters and survive and it makes them giggle continuously.



By the end of the issue, Team Hyena has the upper hand because the Firestorm that knows how to use his powers is hurt and at gunpoint and Ronnie is trying to think, like that picture I posted way up there. I think that's supposed to be a huge cliffhanger! Having the football player thinking!

Since I don't have anything else to say about this fairly run-of-the-mill issue and most of that other stuff I said was just blathering and filling space, here's another picture of Ronnie's Mom!


I think she's upset that there is a black man in the house.

Firestorm #1

I always wondered why Firestorm was so furious! Now I'll get to find out! As you can see by the title, Firestorm is composed of several Nuclear Men. Do they merge like that kid and the professor? Are the two different heroes featured on the cover different aspects of Firestorm? Can either one be the body this time? Or do they go separate and go solo? Will they all just be called Firestorm? Or are they all just Fires until they get together and then, LOOK OUT! FIRESTORM!

Man, a Firestorm sounds dangerous! Don't go outside!
"You'll get burned to a crisp!"
"Take your asbestos umbrella!"
"Wear your fire rubbers?!"

I should probably read the comic book now.

It begins with some black ops or terrorist (same thing) squad of jerks causing trouble with some boy and his family. This boy apparently knows where some thing is. This thing is worth killing for and the boy points out that if he had it, he could kill all these big jerks.

So it's probably another one of those weapons like Captain Atom that governments want in their hands because they're afraid what will happen if it's in somebody else's hands. Even if that someone else was the Dalai Lama.

After some off-panel murder, the action moves to some everytown high school football field where we get to meet the two halves of the new Firestorm! I don't know much about the old Firestorm but I think he consisted of an adult professor and a young football player. I guess the old/young, teacher/student thing isn't going to be enough of a dichotomy to play around with in the 21st century! To make the most friction possible, Firestorm is going to be half-black and half-white and half-smart and half-not-really-dumb-but-average-anyway and half-journalist and half-quarterback! That's a lot of halves but it all adds up to one whole, believe you me! One whole lot of conflict!

I wish Firestorm would have been a Puerto Rican female prostitute and an autistic Mexican wrestler! You know, if it's the Fury of the Nuclear Men (using Men as the generic, non-sex person term), the writers of this comic can have a blast with sticking two people together from vastly different social and economic backgrounds!

Maybe we can see Firestorm with a half-dog, half-cat pet!


Someone isn't feeling cool enough!

I'm focusing on the white half of Firestorm because I'm racist. No, no! It's because the white guy half was on the outside of the page which is the only part of the page I can scan in that frikkin' gigantic 52 First Issue compilation book.

Why would this kid ask his mom why they have no black friends? Excuse me, Ronnie Raymond, why don't YOU have any black friends? Don't rely on mommy! Isn't Trev from the football team your friend? Why don't you hang out with him? Did Jason strike a nerve?

Of course, Jason was just as big a jerk in their first confrontation of the comic. He's a major jock hater! I actually think he has a great big faggy gay crush on Ronnie! I use the term 'faggy' as an endearing term here! Like in cute and manly and erotick and illegal in most states, all at the same time! I'm a firm believer in words meaning what we want them to mean and you shouldn't ever let someone else gain power over you by using a stupid word. You got me, you fucking cunt?

So if they made Ronnie a total homophobe, what would that be like when the two merged? Would Ronnie be totally freaked out by it? Why am I wondering about this if one was gay and the other was straight?! This is probably exactly what is going to happen when big racist Ronnie has to merge with jock-hating Jason the Journalist!

Oh wait wait wait! I can't believe I just passed up his mom's reaction in that last panel!


What the hell is for dinner? Dog dick?

Somebody just found out mom's little secret! But what secret is that? Is she racist? Or is there something we don't know about Ronnie's father?! Or soon to be step-father, at least.

Speaking of the dog dick they're having for dinner: from the food on the tables in the different families panels, it looks like maybe Jason is a veggie and Ronnie is a carnie!

You know, that would make a good Firestorm as well! A braindead guy in a coma and a sleazy carnival midway hawker!

I'm never going to finish this comic! Stop distracting me, brain!


Always be courteous and address your torturer by profession!

This guy spills the beans on Martin Stein which, if I remember correctly, was the name of the professor part of Firestorm. Everyone is acting like Martin is dead but I'm willing to bet he's the third, all-fucked up and burned Firestorm from the cover. There are apparently four containers of this Captain Atom stuff out there. And the way the big Firestorm's circles are filled in on his chest, does that mean we're going to get at least four other Firestorms?!

Well, the next page proves me right! And wrong at the same time!



So, a corporation (coproation?) is designing Firestorms to sell to nations as weapons. And one container that can create a Firestorm is loose and the corporation is trying to get their hands on it. I suppose if a Firestorm with free will is out there, it could harm the company's reputation or bottom line or something.

Is this the first of the 52 to have a corporation as the Villain of the Month? Let's recount:

Justice League: Darkseid, the military, the police.
Justice League International: Protestors, Peraxxus (I just had to dig through my comics to remember that stupid name)
Aquaman: The Public, Cannibal Fish
Wonder Woman: Hera, Centaurs
The Flash: Mob Rule (puke!)
Captain Atom: A Volcano, Alexander Scott (or Scott Alexander), the military, some vagrant hobo monster

Nope! No corporations yet! Way to go, Firestorm! Although your corporation is no Vagrant Mutant Hobo Monster! It's just a bunch of killer black ops thugs! With a preacher, apparently, in their midst.

I'm now finished with the comic. Wrong about Martin Stein. The middle monstery Firestorm is actually what happens when they merge. It becomes a Hulk-like beast called Fury that seems to have some sort of mind of its own. Or else it's just the way their two minds combine.

So the nerd, Jason, already had the Firestorm canister in his locker. He'd already been approached by Dr. Stein to use it in an emergency. Apparently only people with the right DNA profile can use the Firestorm Protocol.

When Jason transforms, Ronnie also transforms. So they bicker and fight amongst themselves while the corporate thugs try to beat a hasty retreat (while one of them is down and possibly transmuted into a Super Villain!). And then they merge and are all, "FURY SMASH!" The end!

I think I had the most fun reading this comic so far but I don't know if that was entirely due to the comic or just due to myself! Anyway, I laughed a few times and not because it was bad writing or bad art! So that's probably pretty good! At this point, it can easily sit in the rankings just above Justice League and just under Justice League Internationl! Mmm, Firestorm filling!

Captain Atom #4

I don't have a lot to say about Captain Atom #4-2. The pacing for this issue and what they wanted to say was way too slow. The gist of this issue is the U.S. military wants Captain Atom back to use as a weapon of fear against the rest of the world. Captain Atom wants no part in being a weapon, especially since we saw in Issue #3-2 that he's more interested in healing and helping people. But the military refuses to take no for an answer since they're deathly afraid of him themselves and don't want a walking, thinking atomic bomb that isn't under their control.

It took most of the issue to say this. Probably could have been done quicker. My favorite panel of the military confict was this one:



The general in the foreground recruited the guy in the background to help capture Captain Atom. The guy in the background is that Scott Alexander (or Alexander Scott?) guy from the lab who hates Captain Atom. He set up a whole thing that was sure to capture Captain Atom. And now here he is, after failing, telling the general 'You have NO idea.'

Yeah! That's the point of hiring you! You were supposed to know and then capture him! Are you holding back information so that you could fail in front of the general? What a jerko!

But even though the pacing was slow, I'm letting Captain Atom move up the ranks to get ahead of The Flash. Partly it's because of this panel that happens just after you think a little romance is about to happen as Ranita shows Captain Atom that she isn't afraid of him:


Whoops!

But mostly it's because we're learning about who Captain Atom is. The creative team is fleshing him out much better in these last two issues (last one most especially). And The Flash team is not doing a good job of that. I think you may actually learn more about The Flash in Justice League! The Flash has been more about Mob Rule than anything else.

So good job, Captain Atom! Keep it up!