The New Mutants #92 (August 1990)

If the ending isn't "The Green Goblin turned them into action figures and posed them idiotically", then the ending hasn't been given away at all.

I bought this issue for $1 at a garage sale simply for the Rob Liefeld cover. If you ask me if I bought it ironically, I'll say, "I don't know?" Yes, the art is terrible but there was a certain strain of reader, possibly twelve years old and male, who couldn't get enough of this terrible shit and the major comic book companies of the day decided they were the market to sell to. That doesn't mean that other gendered and older people also didn't fall for this shit because once it was plastered on every comic book cover and every comic book fan seemed to be excited about it (unless they were excited about it because it seemed like everybody else was excited about it), this art became The Emperor's New Clothes of its time. But is buying a comic book for a cover with terrible art which I hate it ironic? I don't think so. It's not like I'm making it my entire personality and hanging it on my walls and inviting people over for wine and Goldfish just so I can point at it and say, "It's so awful. Don't you just love it?!"

I never fell for the shit art extravaganza of the '90s so I don't own nearly enough comic books that make my stomach hurt and my brain ache. That's only become a real disappointment in my life when I started doing comic book reviews and I realized how awful I was as a person because I loved writing things like, "I wish Rob Liefeld's mother had locked him in the basement and glued spoons over his eyes," or "Why couldn't Rob Liefeld have had more bullies growing up who threatened to kick his ass every time he drew something?" Although life being the way life is, I suspect if I could change time to have any of my terrible wishes have happened to Liefeld while he was growing up, they'd just wind up being the reasons why he's so bad at drawing. "This cover is amazing for a kid who tore his own eyeballs out when he rebelled against his mom's punishment of gluing spoons over them!" Or "It's inspirational how he kept at his art even though he could never finish a drawing without being beaten to shit and he got so little practice with his arms in casts all the time!" Stupid time and consequences and fate and destiny. I hate them all for not helping me find a way to stop Rob Liefeld.

Before I truly sink my edgelordy fangs into this cover and all of its problems, let's take a look back to September, 2011, when time-tested Rob Liefeld was doing art for The New 52's Hawk and Dove. In my review of that comic book, I noted how Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld basically had the same style when they started but over the years Lee has improved his art immensely. I pointed out that Rob Liefeld was content to remain at the same level. In the review, I posted this picture and this caption:

If I owned any old Liefeld comics (I don't), I could probably find a panel from 1993 that looks exactly like this picture.

Well, I didn't find a panel that looks like that picture but doesn't that guy in the vest and headband look remarkably similar? Has 2011 me been vindicated in his hatred and mean-spiritedness? I leave you, the reader, to decide. But also yes.

Okay, back to the cover! I wonder if Rob Liefeld sent in this cover that, I suppose, exposes that the Green Goblin is behind the Carnival of Death and editorial was all, "Hey, Rob? You know that was a surprise for the end, right? Why'd you put it on the cover?" And Rob was all, "Oh, sorry. You want to pay me to do a new cover?" And Marvel was all, "No, you know what? We can work with this garbage. Thanks."

Rob was probably pissed when he found out he wasn't supposed to put the Green Goblin on the cover because that was the hardest part of the cover for him. Rob hates trying to draw actual eyes on a face because he just can't get the symmetry right. Look at the Goblin. It's not bad but you can see the struggle in keeping the eyes symmetrical. Goblin's got a bit of that Shannon Doherty thing going on although to be fair to Rob, Goblin's eyes are more symmetrical than Shannon's were (rest in peace, my Heathers queen!). Notice all the other characters either have glasses on or squinty eyes. I'm ignoring the stretchy scarecrow thing.

Based on the two characters on the bottom right of the cover, Rob Liefeld's characters must get kicked in the crotch all the fucking time. Why does he draw them straddled so often? To try and disguise that he can't keep their proportions right and that their legs are nearly two times longer than they should be? Or is just part of the "dynamic style" that terrible and super wrong comic book reviewers crow about when they express their love of this '90s style?

Lastly: does the Green Goblin always have chin testicles?

I don't even know if that's the Green Goblin! But I guess I'll find out when I get to the end of the issue!

Cable set the Danger Room to its highest setting: Clown.

Wolfsbane freaks out because the clown reminds her of another time she visited the circus. In her Irish or Scottish accent, she's all, "Yo, how'z about a trigger warning next time, hunh?" And Cable is all, "That was a test of your psychological readiness, you Gen X pussy!" And Wolfsbane is all, "You fucking Boomer from the future!" Then the Danger Room is all, "Please stop engaging in Clique Maintenance (Reference: Generation X by Douglas Coupland). We are ready for the flashback, the ending of which Rob Liefeld spoiled on the cover (Reference: The New Mutants #92 by ERROR ERROR REALITY CANNOT BE A REFERENCE)."

I mean, sure, reality can and often is a reference. It's the main reference! Except that most people don't know any reality references because they're so caught up in their own narcissism that they can't be bothered to understand how history forgotten is history repeated because they don't even know enough to know that that's a well-known aphorism (stated differently but not as poetically). This isn't a new aspect of humanity! I'm not participating in Clique Maintenance and accusing younger generations of this. Every generation has scads and scads of these self-referential knobheads. It's one of the things that made Seinfeld so great. It highlighted a group of people so self-involved that they couldn't think past their own petty problems and desires. It's why they're fucking punished in the finale because they were such awful people. And even when punished, they're still moaning about the pettiest of issues. Also it's really funny! I think some can't watch a show with terrible characters without it completely ruining the experience so they'll question why people like the show. I get it. But if you don't like Seinfeld because all of the characters are terrible people, don't fucking tell me that you love Mad Men!

Now the Internet is going to jump to the conclusion that I don't like Mad Men but I don't care. Fuck people with 6th grade reading comprehension (and by people, I mean native speakers of English (which is to say that I don't think only native speakers of English are people but that the "people" I was referencing when I called them the "Internet" and that they should get fucked are native speakers of English because everybody else is off the hook for not easily comprehending my rambling bullshit).

Who's that person that said that thing about less is more? Was that Shakespeare? I should go back in time and sew his mouth shut and break his fingers and tell him if he ever writes another word, I'll be back to plant some carrots in his backside. I don't mind losing all of his plays and sonnets if we also lose that whole idea that the worst are full of passionate intensity while the best lack all conviction. Oh shit. Yeah, I'll have to threaten Yeats too.

Plus, if Shakespeare didn't say anything of the sort, being that he wrote thousands of words and was the ChatGPT of his era, well, um . . . Oops?

While I'm on my little time travel trip, I think I'll stop by Mary Shelley while she's on vacation to seduce her so she doesn't have time to write Frankenstein just so I never again have to hear or read somebody respond, "Actually, the monster's creator's name was Frankenstein." Worth it.

After reading Percy Bysshe Shelley's Wikipedia page to see if I could be man enough to steal his girl for the weekend, I've decided to completely scrap the time travel idea because holy fucking shit that guy's life sounds exhausting! Constant debt, running from the law due to the debts, sexual liaisons with women and teenaged girls, women committing suicide over him, and children everywhere. Maury Povich would have had a field day with this guy. What's even more exhausting, I imagine, is that every romantic poet lived the same kind of life. I mean Byron basically kicked Percy, Mary, and Mary's sister Claire out of the Geneva vacation home because he found out he'd impregnated Claire and was all, "This is too much drama for me! Begone!" The fucking nerve, man!

Although the worst part of Percy Bysshe Shelley existing is that I had to read Prometheus Unbound in high school! Hey, I never claimed to not be one of those Seinfeldian Narcissists!

I didn't know Josie and the Pussycats were mutants.

You can tell how interested I am in this comic book by the amount of time I spend in the tangents. I never read The New Mutants or any of the X-titles. I think I read my friend Phil's copies of the Wolverine and Kitty Pryde mini-series in 8th grade and that's about it.

The lion roams free in this circus because all of the wild animals are allowed to roam free. Because they're all tamed by Sebastian the Tame Master or whatever.

What kind of non-Encyclopedia-Britannica owning idiots wrote this comic book?! Tigers can't purr!

I love pointing out irrelevant mistakes to feel smarter than people who made their livings doing what they loved! I'm such a bitter piece of shit!

You can tell that Sebastian is the greatest tamer of wild animals in the world because even the elephant and the mouse — known enemies — get along! It's also possible Sebastian isn't any good at taming anything and these creatures are all shapeshifters and maybe that's why the tiger is purring. I should be upset at the idiot changeling playing the tiger rather than the writer and artist! Maybe it's a plot point and a clue that Josie and the Pussycats will notice, realizing things aren't as they seem.

The tiger informs Sebastian that these kids are mutants. So he tells the clown and the clown is all, "Well, I guess we have to kill them!" So typical day at the circus, really.

The kids get tricked into playing a rigged carnival game just like I got tricked into thinking Boom Boom actually had cat ears. It took me ten pages to realize she was wearing a big dumb bow on her head. Boom Boom uses her powers to beat the rigged game and win Wolfsbane a teddy bear that's been soaked in pheromones that make her desperate to fuck it.

Back to using Wikipedia as a reference, I just want to acknowledge that I already knew all the big moments in Percy's life: the shit he wrote, being with Mary and Byron and Claire in Geneva, drowning in Italy. That's the important stuff to retain for somebody who barely retains details. But that's why I like Wikipedia. It answers questions like, "How hot was Percy? Could I have wooed Mary away from him even with Byron in the same room and also never mind the age difference because this is theoretical?" And then when I go to find out, Wikipedia is all, "This guy's life was a train wreck simply because he was an atheist and a vegetarian in the 19th Century. Plus he couldn't keep his dick in his pants." It's a great place to find out really cool stuff about people you only know very little about. Like if you were all, "I wonder who actually penned the preamble of the Constitution?" and the next thing you know, you're all, "One of the guys who wrote the preamble died because he shoved a whalebone up his penis? America rules!"

The bear makes Wolfsbane sick so the gang head over to the first aid station. Most of them ditch her to go ride some rides but the no-shirt guy with a vest stays behind to poorly keep an eye on her.

It turns out the cover didn't spoil the ending for me because I don't readily recognize Skrulls! Now I get why Liefeld ruined the ending! What a fucking dope!

I'm sorry that all you Marvel-heads had to read this far into this review screaming at me about how that wasn't the Green Goblin and how fucking stupid I was and how could any serious comic reader not recognize a fucking Skrull. Seriously, I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry that Marvel didn't have the imagination to make the Green Goblin and Skrulls look different in any way at all!

Seriously? It's just the fucking testicles on the chin that make the difference, right? And for all I know, that was just Liefeld fucking up the art!

A major battle between the Skrulls who can't shapechange because of the "disaster" and Wolfsbane and her crew. At this point, it's revealed that the animals aren't tame at all because they're Skrulls stuck in animal forms. Which means I should apologize to the creators for accusing them of fucking up the purring tiger. But instead, I'll take this time to congratulate myself for understanding that criticizing a text because you don't have all the information is always the wrong way to go and for including the bit about the tiger maybe being a shapechanger who doesn't know that tigers don't purr. Good job, me. This is the only reason I'm smarter than say, um, 40% of the population. Because I don't dig in and accuse writers of the seeming errors they make in a text. I allow for the idea that there could be an in-story reason for what seems like a mistake. The biggest issue with young people on tumblr trying to deconstruct texts is that they see what they believe as some kind of social injustice and jump all over it and stand their ground no matter how many people try to explain to them that they got it wrong. I'm only picking on young people on tumblr because they're the ones I lived among for so long, like Tarzan in with the apes. Neither of those characterizations (me as Tarzan and tumblrites as apes) are meant to be judgmental! It was just a silly description of how out of place I felt on tumblr. Most old people can't deconstruct things worth a shit either. More so, even, because they'll blatantly disregard any evidence of any subtext in every piece of historical readings. Like how many people in my demographic (Gen X, white, probably male, mostly heterosexual) are the worst people in the world and don't believe in systemic racism even though every single terrible thing about America has its foundation in white people not wanting Black people in their spaces?

Anyway, I was wrong but then I was more right than I was wrong so I'm a terrific fella with the big brain (when it comes to reading comprehension). Or maybe I should just stay in my terrible demographic lane and stick to my guns like an old white guy normally would?

Stupid fucking writers. Don't they know lions can't speak English?

The story ends with the cops arriving and the Skrull claiming, "We're not soldiers! We're slavers! Let's get the fuck out of here!" Bunch of cowards! They were willing to beat up on some kids but one murder happy cop shows up and they flee to another world. Although in their haste, they manage to leave the mouse-shaped Skrull behind for future trouble. And that's the end of Wolfsbane's flashback as she explains to Cable why she hates clowns so much. She's all, "There should be clown-free spaces in this world!" And Cable is all, "Sadly, the world does not conform to your idea of clown-free spaces." And Wolfsbane is all, "Maybe some day! If we keep hoping and fighting, we can make the world free from clowns!" Then there's a final Rob Liefeld drawing that's surprisingly better than most.

Did he get an adult's help with this one?

My only guess is that this is what Liefeld can do when he doesn't have a deadline? Or what he can do when he actually puts some care in his work? Sure, all the guys are asleep on their feet because it's too hard to do two symmetrical open eyes. And, yeah, the kneeling blonde is smuggling an ass in her pant leg. And maybe Cable's legs are a bit too long in comparison with his torso but at least they're not two or three times too long. This is actually a really good group photo by Liefeld which I'm absolutely not used to because his group shit usually looks like the front cover, "dynamic" and full of terrible body proportions and chin testicles. Actually, I don't think chin testicles are a usual Liefeld error. But they should be!

The New Mutants #92 Rating: ?. Look, I can't rate this comic book. I know nothing about The New Mutants or the characterization of any of them. The story was fine with a nice twist that wasn't spoiled for me by the cover because I forgot about the Skrulls and because Marvel decided Skrulls should look exactly like the Green Goblin. I do have one question that's been bothering me: Was Boom Boom named for her mutant power or her tits?

Justice League Task Force #1

Martian Manhunter looks like he's doing the most painful Boob/Butt Showcase ever attempted.

I know J'onn J'onzz's entire body is supposed to be facing forward on this cover but it really looks like he's turning all the way around at the waist. If there's any character that could successfully do that, it's Elongated Man. And also Martian Manhunter. So I'm less worried about J'onn's stance than I am about Gypsy's torso. Unless it's her ass that's the problem. Maybe the entire problem with this cover is simply Sal Velluto.

This seems to be the only issue of this series that I own. That's good because the cover art by Sal is not promising. Also, I don't recognize any of the names in the creative team. Was this one of those "Let's give some new talent a project nobody at DC really cares about" kind of deals? It would seem that way judging by the roster. Even though Martain Manhunter was the backbone of the Justice League for many years, he's still kind of a nobody, nothing, bottom-of-the-barrel hero. And Gypsy?! You can't even say her name anymore without somebody canceling your shit. I don't have any complaints about The Flash because I have to save them for the members of the team on the back cover.

Ugh. Aquaman and Nightwing! The worst! Even worse than those two in the corner, Amanda Waller's younger sister and Alfred Hitchcock in a toupee.

Some of you younger jerks might not remember a time when Nightwing sucked. He fucking suuuuuuuucked. The absolute worst. He was like when you're wearing boxers and the tip of your dick pops out of the pee gateway and starts rubbing on the inside of your Levi's. He was like when you take a shit and you feel the loss of the turd's momentum right at the end and you just know you're going to have a huge hanger and probably a good inch or two of shit still up in your asshole which you'll be dealing with for the rest of the day. He was like when you're a guy and having a really good sex dream and suddenly you realize it's a dream and if you complete the act, you're going to have a huge mess to clean up and then you wake up because your brain is all "I don't want to clean up the mess!" but you're all, "You stupid brain! I was getting laid!" Man, he was just awful.

And Aquaman was worse!

This issue is called "The Tyranny Gun" and I'm pretending I understand that. I'm just nodding my head and enthusiastically saying out loud, "Yeah! Yeah! A gun! That shoots tyranny! Get fucked, motherfuckers!"

I get that J'onn J'onzz is probably an approximation of his real Martian name but I wouldn't call it "convenient." John Jones is his convenient name!

Martian Manhunter has been tracking down French separatist terrorists who want Quebec to secede from Canada. Yeah, okay, 1993. What an innocent time! This plot sounds like the plot of a slapstick comedy. The French version of Stripes. Why the fuck would a bunch of French people want Quebec to secede from Canada?! As if it's not already practically France anyway! I'm sure they're angry that some people fuse English words with French words, sullying their perfect fucking language. I'd be more apt to believe the Dungeon & Dragons Club in my junior high school had been running dog fights after school. You might be thinking, "That's not that ludicrous!" But then you didn't see the absolute nerds in my Dungeons and Dragons club.

I don't know why that one kid's face was blacked out by the Year Book Staff. Maybe he was so handsome he made the other guys feel bad. Or maybe...maybe he was the lead guy running the dog fights?!

As Martian Manhunter is roughing up the Quebecois terrorists, he thinks, "'Politically correct' murder." What does that even mean?! Is he suggesting French Canadians think it's okay to murder as long as you murder somebody who isn't French? Does he think Canadians murdering is politically correct? Trying to parse that statement is reminding my brain what it was like to read an Ann Nocenti script.

Martian Manhunter pats himself on the back (which he can do because he has every super power in the book including Plastic Man arms) for stopping the French terrorists. He's proud that in a world with little justice, he can provide some of his own. I mean, sure! It's easy to create justice when you're the only one you have to consult in the justicing of things. Technically, I think that's called authoritarianism. But I suppose if enough people can agree that what you did without any input from anybody else at all was a decent thing, you can get away with doing it over and over again. Like Superman and sort of like Batman. I say "sort of like Batman" because I think a lot of people hate the way Batman acts and Batman just doesn't give a fuck.

Meanwhile, some government types in Washington need a new Suicide Squad. But different! One composed of heroes that don't ask too many questions instead of dangerous criminals who do ask lots of questions but also know that they can have their heads blown off at any second. They need these heroes to help keep a leader of an allied nation in power. The leader has a habit of murdering political rivals so the United States doesn't want to be seen helping him. So they need a covert team of super heroes to defend the bastard. I guess those heroes will be Martian Manhunter (because he doesn't really understand Earth's ways and if you point out he's creating justice, he'll jump at the chance), Aquaman (because he needs the money), Nightwing (because he needs to prove he can make it on his own without Batman), The Flash (because he's kind of dumb, especially when it comes to politics), and Gypsy (because she can hide well, I guess).

The comic includes a Justice League Task Force membership card which I never filled out and removed.

You can tell I didn't buy into this whole government Justice League bullshit because I didn't fill out the card and stick it in my wallet for years. And I didn't not do it because I was 21 at the time! I carried around my Elfquest Fan Club card and my Wizardry Baltec's Trading Post charge card from Wizardry IV until the day I stopped carrying a wallet that closes with Velcro (that was probably in my late mid-twenties!).

Hannibal, the Alfred Hitchock in a toupee looking guy from the back cover, is the man chosen to lead the Justice League Task Force. He approaches Martian Manhunter by walking into his apartment uninvited. Martian Manhunter, knowing that every cop is just looking for an excuse to shoot him with a flamethrower, acts like it's no big deal that this guy intruded on his privacy. Hannibal tells Martian Manhunter that the government needs a strike force that could save millions of lives and Martian Manhunter blurts out, "Justice!" Then he composes himself and he's all, "I'm probably in. But tell me about it first. And don't lie! I'll know if you're lying! I have all the super powers, remember!"

Meanwhile in London, Justice League Europe are fighting a sewer dinosaur.

I've eaten enough sandwiches in a dark room to know Dr. Light is wrong.

Sometimes I'll read a comic book like Watchmen or The Sandman and proudly think, "This is why I read comic books!" And other times, I scan a panel of Dr. Light bending over so that you can see her lady package and I shamefully think, "This is why I read comic books!"

Dr. Light is upset that Justice League Europe eventually has to kill the sewer dinosaur. But Flash is all, "It killed a bunch of people! No one ever said being a hero was full-time fun." (The second sentence of that quote is exact. I know I used quotes so you would think the entire thing was exact. But I like to embellish sometimes.) So according to The Flash, killing people for justice isn't fun. He should get that message across to American gun owners. They're all salivating looking for an excuse to murder somebody.

It's canon! Aquaman smells like shit!

Hannibal calls up Justice League Europe and he's all, "Martian Manhunter needs Aquaman and The Flash for a UN sanctioned mission!" But The Flash, who I thought would be the easiest pushover, is all, "I don't like being told what to do and just going to do it! What are we, a bunch of trained monkeys?" (Again, the second sentence is an actual quote!) But Aquaman is all, "You said it yourself! This isn't always fun. If we're needed for a vague mission where we're doing the work of the United States Government to protect the interests of shadowy men and multi-billion dollar corporations, who are we to refuse?" And The Flash is all, "You're right! Well argued! I am a trained monkey! Let's go!"

Martian Manhunter recruits Gypsy in the middle of a shopping spree that's totally not a racist stereotype at all. I don't think. Maybe it is. It was 1993! Nobody knew gypsy was a slur even though if you somebody said "gypsy," everybody in the room would immediately picture the exact stereotype. You'd think we would have realized how that's like the epitome of being racist. It really made it tough on young lazy girls to put together a quick Halloween costume when everybody realized how terrible we all were. At least as a guy, we were able to get away with being hobos and tramps a little bit longer!

Gypsy agrees to work on the Task Force because she needs money and a place to stay and maybe a new moniker.

The team decides they're ready to go because they can't get Batman. But that's when Nightwing comes in through the balcony window and says, "Will I do?!" And everybody goes, "Aww. Batman would have dropped through the skylight!" Nobody wants to work with Nightwing because he's not in the Justice League. But Hannibal is all, "Oh, you're working with him! And that's not the only thing you're not going to like to hear! Because your job is to protect a despot and a tyrant! You need to make sure a bunch of people on some shitty island keep their terrible living conditions!" Gypsy, Martian Manhunter, The Flash, and Aquaman all make sour faces and do face palms. But Nightwing is all, "Yes! Let's do this! Suck it, Batman!"

Justice League Task Force #1 Rating: C. It's as average as a comic book about a super hero group doing the terrible work of the government. I suppose that isn't always average since Suicide Squad was really good. But then they weren't heroes and they were forced to go on terrible missions. So that's why that worked. I don't see how forcing Justice League members to do terrible things in the name of the United States government is a good idea for a book. That's probably why I never purchased Issue #2!