Cosmic OdysseyBook Two: Disaster (January 1989)

How did it take me this long to realize why I've always hated Hawkman? Because he's a fucking cop!

You might read the title of this issue, "Disaster", and think it has something to do with the cover depicting Orion going full ACAB on Thanagar while Superman "stands" around thinking, "Should we be killing this many hawk cops?" (The answer, by the way, is yes.) But the real disaster of the issue is hinted on the back cover where Martian Manhunter pulls out his shame penis and scold pisses all over John Stewart's arrogant face.

I'm glad I never glanced at this back cover while on LSD because holy fuck this is the most intense thing I've ever seen.

So if the disaster is John Stewart getting an entire planet of cannibal aliens blown to shit then we have to surmise that killing hawk cops is good. Don't we? Is that not how logic works? It's hard for me to think logically anymore because I once watched Pig and I cried so hard that I wept some of my brains out of my eyes and nose.

The issue begins with Orion and Superman watching a full fleet of hawk cops flying toward them out of the sunset (or sunrise. It's not like Mike Mignola drew a compass on the page. And even if he did, they're on Thanagar and I don't know if it's rotation got knocked wonky by some random asteroid or planetoid early in its development). It feels like a moment in a Spaghetti Western where the protagonist, whom we, the viewer, understand did nothing wrong in his slaughter of eighteen ranchers who were just the worst people and probably raped and killed the protagonist's horse, stands majestically as a posse of corrupt lawmen ride towards him, the music growing louder and more tense as the stage is set for the final shootout where the protagonist, after putting up the best fight he can, eventually succumbs to a hail of gunfire and the credits roll and the audience is left to stew in a dank miasma of existential despair at the idea that the universe does not prefer actual justice and we can only fight the good fight and be true to ourselves and can never overcome the tipped scales full of corrupt assholes who don't actually give a shit about anything at all. Except this time Superman is one of the silent gunman and we know he can't lose so I'm guessing a lot of hawk cops are going to lose a lot of teeth pretty soon.

Woo eee woo eee wooooo. Bom bom bom.

Orion believes the Anti-Life Entity has taken mental control of the hawk cops even though he admits they're known to be aggressive and "belligerent". The hawk cops attack without any warning so it's hard to know if that's because they've been mind-controlled or because they're just acting like normal cops. It's that The Office meme about both pictures being the same! Superman subdues them, probably by giving them minor traumatic brain injuries that cause them to lose consciousness but doesn't kill them. At least not immediately. Should Superman have to come to terms with how many cases of post-concussion syndrome he's caused and how many villains and henchmen's lives he's ruined in the long term? Probably not because this was written in 1989! Helmet-to-helmet tackles were cheered wildly in those days! Hooray for violent entertainments!

Whatever damage Superman is causing hardly matters though when we see how Orion just doesn't give a fuck about ruining the lives of the hawk cops immediately. Fuck in the long term. Where's the fun of violence that you can't see the horrible results of immediately?!

Hooray for state-sponsored violence getting some of its own in return!

Superman, while not showing the levels of pissitude, gets pissed at Orion and reminds him that these hawk cops are most likely being mind controlled and aren't their real enemies. He asks Orion to moderate his use of force against them. Superman doesn't realize Orion is the son of Darkseid so he can't comprehend how stupid an ask that is. It's like asking Batman to be a team player. It just can't happen (unless, of course, Batman is in complete control of every aspect of the team. Like when he put together The Outsiders. But even that fell apart when he realized how much trouble it was to get them all to do exactly what he asked. Also it was often hurtful when Metamorpho made dumb jokes about him. Good thing the mask could hide his tears).

This is Orion's response to Superman's suggestion to moderate the violence. An uncomprehending, silent stare.

At the same time, J'onn J'onzz and John Stewart explore Xanshi. They discover the population beset by an airborne disease that attacks the blood and the respiratory system. AT THE SAME TIME! Since John categorized these aliens as cannibals earlier, this must be some kind of Mad Cow Disease. Except airborne because maybe it comes out in cow farts. It looks like the Anti-Life Entity has a sense of humor, using the native populations' inherent attributes against them. Or I could be reaching. But you never discover anything if you don't reach and simply take everything, plots to comics included, at face value! Do you think we would have ever discovered time travel if we, as a species, hadn't kept reaching and listened to the boring bores who said it wasn't possible? I mean, that'll probably happen, I bet. Yeah.

J'onn's initial reaction to the disease ravaging everybody on the planet is, "Well, it sucks to be them! Let's find the Anti-Life Creature!" But John takes a moment to help create a cure for the disease by using his magic ring that can do anything with the correct prompt. Or at least that's what The Guardians have told him. John doesn't put the cure through any kind of trials. He just tells some guy to drink it up and then use his blood for transfusions on everybody else on the planet. Or maybe one other person and then they can both do transfusions on two other people and then those four can do transfusions on four other people and well you get it, right? Doubling rice on each square on the chessboard and all that.

J'onn marvels at the power of the Green Lantern ring and John is all, "Yeah, no big deal, I fuckin' save lives all by myself all the time. I'm sure I'll save more lives all by myself a few more times before this is all over." Just like the aggressive cops on Thanagar, I'm not sure the disease was the fault of the Anti-Life Entity at all! That's because John Stewart discovers that the Anti-Life Entity has tapped into the power of the planet through their power grid. I think the disease really was just a coincidence and the cow farts got there first.

Wow! Seems like John definitely has everything under control. I'm not even certain why J'onzz was sent with him! Embarrassing, really.

On Earth, Batman and Forager stand around discussing Orion's bigotry and The Forager's costume's lame color combination. The Forager wonders why they don't get to work looking for the Anti-Life Entity and Batman is all, "We are working on it! I turned on my Batcomputer. It'll figure it out!" Boy, these heroes really do depend on their gadgets and gizmos. It doesn't take long for Batman to figure out how the Anti-Life Entity will attack Earth based on the data the other teams have reported back.

I disagree, Batman. 1989? My guess is it's taking over Daytime Talk Shows or MTv.

Lightray and Starfire discover that the residents of Rann have developed Non-Space Space Madness. Everybody is involved in killing everybody else or themselves. I don't know enough about Rann to understand why they'd be open to this kind of attack by the Anti-Life Entity. Are they overly arrogant and trying to prove their individual greatness to each other? Are they so science-minded that the only way to prove who is best is by running a bunch of murder experiments? Will Adam Strange be affected since he's an Earthling and not a Rannling. Rannian? Rannlander?

Was this supposed to be shocking because I was merely tickled by it? Yes, I tittered. I think I really enjoyed the tiny little Moritat-esque figures.

The duo find Adam Strange having tied up Alanna and her father to keep them from killing everything. His alien nature has made him immune to the Non-Space Space Madness. After Lightray and Starfire explain what's happening, Adam Strange believes he knows the way the Anti-Life Entity will attack Rann: through its automated factories! That means the four technologies dooming the planets and the galaxy itself are Military Weaponry, Weather Control Systems, Computers, and Automated Manufacturing. Has this become a Cautionary Tale? Being that Jim Starlin wrote this, I'm surprised each planet isn't just being threatened by a Warworld.

This is a dire situation, Starfire. Can you please stop stretching seductively at every Earthling in a finned helmet?

On New Genesis, we discover why Jason Blood was dragged along: Etrigan's power will be needed to strengthen the boundary between the Anti-Life Universe and the Pro-Life (Sorry!) Universe. While Darkseid didn't initially know about Bob, the Anti-Life Entity because that information was revealed by Martian Manhunter's telepathic scan, he still somehow knew that he was going to need the power of Hell to keep the universe from being destroyed. Sounds fishy to me! I think Darkseid just wants the power of Hell for his own devious reasons! But he shows Highfather some calculations and Highfather looks at those calculations and is too embarrassed to admit he sucks at maths and Jason Blood agrees to merge once again with Etrigan since it's the only way to ensure the universe will be saved. See, Bob the Anti-Life Entity is clawing his way into the DC Universe without the help of his four fingertips and only Etrigan's power can stop it. I guess if the Anti-Life Fingertips succeed, it'll just destroy the universe faster. Or, as I said, Darkseid's a lying liar and manipulating Jason Blood so that Darkseid can have a personal pet demon.

Quick check-in on Thanagar:

I guess Superman knows how to disable the wings of the hawk cops so that they crash to the ground in slow, looping, safe spirals.

Superman knows a job needs to be done and he does it even though he knows he's going to have to give Orion a super scolding at the end of it and explain how disappointed he is that Orion killed so many innocent people. I'm sure Orion will consider Superman's words in a rational and logical manner.

On Xanshi, we learn the Anti-Life Entity seems to have figured out that the real threat to its plans aren't the heroes themselves but the Ghostbusters-style Anti-Life Trap given to them by Highfather. Of course we garner this information from speculation by J'onn rather than actual facts. But then again, I've learned that you should just trust the speculation and gut instincts of heroes in comic books because without their spot-on observations, writers would have to add a lot of boring pages to their comic books to show what took just one or two speech bubbles to tell. So when the Anti-Life Entity Controlled Weather Station's lightning bolt smashes into J'onn, it barely fazes him but does destroy the Ghostbuster trap. Oh no! Now how will they defeat the Anti-Life's Fingertip?!

At this time, John Stewart was really well read, practically a philosopher. But I guess part of knowing that "Pride cometh before a fall" is that the pride doesn't let you remember that saying.

Martian Manhunter and a Green Lantern, on paper, looks like one of the most powerful team-ups somebody could put together in the DC Universe. But I'm pretty sure all it would take to defeat these two is a flamethrower and a can of gold spray paint. Or would that be my pride speaking before my downfall? The ring would be all, "You don't think I can tell the difference between yellow and gold, you stupid motherfucker?!", before it put a green ice pick through the thin layer of gold paint on my head and the barely thicker layer of skull right into my brain.

Batman and Forager continue to save the Earth by not leaving the Batcave. Sure, Batman's doing the research. But the real reason they're spending such a long time in the dank cave is that Batman refuses to be seen in public with Forager until Alfred sews him a new outfit. It's weird that Batman's main complaint with Forager's outfit is that it's red and white and too noticeable in the dark. But he's telling him this Jason Todd's bright red and green costume in a memorial case just over his shoulder.

I would have scanned that but that panel doesn't actually exist. That was just me making connections and speculating as to how to make Batman look like an unthinking moronic jerk with control issues.

Batman discovers the Anti-Life Entity seems to be working out of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Um, no, wait. Moosejaw, Arizona! Because you know how Arizona is known for its meese! Anyway, that's where they're headed! Doesn't Batman feel stupid now because Forager's red and white outfit would look great in Arizona! Maybe throw on some turquoise highlights! He could become their State Hero!

Oh, Batman also learns that a bunch of parts for a Doomsday Bomb were to be delivered to Joe Bester, the dead cop whose body disappeared! Lucky for Batman, if he has to kill to stop this bomb, killing a man who is already dead doesn't count as killing!

Back on Rann, Adam Strange leads Starfire and Lightray on a really fucking suspicious trail.

This is all too easy and weird.

Adam Strange leads them into some simplistic pulp sci-fi narrative with all the clichés. "Too normal." The parts were "shipped" to the basement of the same facility they were manufactured in. Like, um, what? And they're in "Vault #666"! This whole story couldn't be fishier if Aquaman were on the case.

The trio find a Doomsday Bomb in Vault #666 that could blow Rann out of orbit and into the sun leading to the destabilization of the Milky Way! It's not currently armed so Lightray is all, "Let's not dismantle it!" Everybody agrees and they go in search of the Anti-Life Entity. But it finds them first, beats the shit out of Adam Strange, and then disappears into a wall grate. Or maybe it was possessing Adam Strange and forced him to make up all that bullshit earlier and then left his body to find a new victim while Lightray and Starfire scratch their heads confused.

Back on Xanshi, the heart of this issue takes place. Seventeen pages with no interruption to tell the tale of the downfall of John Stewart. I don't know if, before this, John Stewart was portrayed as arrogant and proud. If so then these seventeen pages are heartrending and tragic. But if Starlin just thought to himself, "This highly educated dude just rubs me the wrong way. Thinks he's so smart. I'll show him," then the story is, well, I guess it's still heartrending and tragic because I shouldn't be trying to read the story through the glass of authorial intent, especially when I'm just making up the authorial intent for no good reason. The bad reason that I'm making up things Jim Starlin might have thought is that I'm mad that he didn't throw in a Warworld or two in this series. What good is a Jim Starlin book without Warworld? I was also going to say without a Thanos or Mongul insert but I guess Darkseid's doing that heavy lifting.

What happens is John Stewart, having shown his ring is pretty fucking great over and over again during his journey with J'onn, decides that having to protect J'onn from all the fire hazards is a pain in the ass. So he ditches J'onn in a green bubble with a "So sorry, you suck" and flies off to save the day. He crashes into the weather station ready to defuse the bomb and destroy the Anti-Life Fingertip only to find the Anti-Life Fingertip has been busy painting everything yellow.

Who the fuck is this guy?! He's not even Xanshian!

I totally recognize that guy because he's obviously an insert of some employee at DC so I had to look it up. At first I tried a reverse image search on Mignola's rendering but that turned up nothing. Then I found a Reddit Thread that linked to Comic Book Legends Revealed #279 which casually mentions it was Andy Helfer while discussing whether Stewart was initially meant to be Gardner or not (they conclude: not). It took me a bit to remember why Andy Helfer's image was familiar and where I saw him before and what issue it was because my brain doesn't like to put down its beer and get up from the recliner to go do research in my memory files. But I did remember it was a back-up story in a Justice League comic book where Guy Gardner tries to get a comic book made, maybe of General Glory? I knew it was the back-up story in an issue by somebody whom I always associated more with independent comics than mainstream (for some reason. Possibly because I first knew about him from Alternative Press Expos?): Kyle Baker. So that's that: the person with the paint is Andy Helfer. You can see him in this story drawn by Baker in Justice League #50!

That other guy is so obviously Keith Giffen!

Why was Andy Helfer the guy to screw John Stewart? Did he give the command from up above to fuck Stewart's shit up in this story? Did Mike Mignola do it on a whim? Was Andy Helfer known for painting things yellow around the office? Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned about the guy with the paint brush! Thanks to Batman's revelation about Joe Bester (and possibly the Adam Strange weirdness), we know that the Anti-Life Entity can possess people. It's not really important what skin it's wearing although it is kind of distracting to see that the Anti-Life Entity chose a human looking person to hand paint this massive bomb. And then it didn't even cover up the entire bomb! Couldn't John have used his ring to get at the machinery of the bomb through the screen with the red numbers? Maybe that wasn't actually part of the bomb and just a clock set up to keep track of when the thing was going to blow.

The bomb explodes, incinerating everybody on the planet and turning the core of the planet into anti-matter. This causes a massive explosion which sends the planet, now fully anti-matter, into the heart of its non-anti-matter star. The Milky Way rocks on its, um, whatever keeps it in place, now just one more explosion away from being permeable to Bob the Anti-Life Entity.

Martian Manhunter, having survived with the help of John's ring, finds John so he can shit all over him while he's feeling down. He calls him arrogant. He calls him stupid. He says he can never forgive him. And then he just tells John to shut up before flying off. And just like that, Jim Starlin and Mike Mignola redefined John Stewart for a modern audience. It might be shitty that this defined John for so long but I'd still say it's better than The New 52 redefining John as a Marine more than a philosophical architect.

Back on New Genesis, after receiving word that John Stewart has failed, Darkseid and Highfather rush to get Plan B into action by making Jason Blood and Etrigan hug it out. They merge once again and, although Jason Blood doesn't think so, everything is right again with the universe. If not for this, we would never have had Alan Grant and Val Semeiks' The Demon run!

My boy is back!

Cosmic Odyssey: Book Two: Disaster Rating: A. Maybe this time I'll remember that this was the comic book where John Stewart fucked up and began hating himself, especially since I'll definitely be reading Mosaic at some point in the near future. This comic book continues to be a lot of fun. Not only did it give us this seminal moment in John Stewart's history but it also reunited Jason Blood with Etrigan. I have no idea why they had been split or where that happened but since I didn't remember that I had this book where Stewart fucks up, I'll probably learn sometime in the future that I also own the book where Blood and Etrigan are separated. Or I can look it up online right now and discover it was in a four issue mini-series written by Grendel and Mage writer and artist Matt Wagner. So, um, yeah! I do have that series somewhere!