Why are they all walking away?! It's Mister Miracle! He's bound to appear in an explosion of smoke any second now!
You don't know for absolute certain that I couldn't stop looking at Ice's ass on that cover.
Here's how comic books work across the decades: a fondly remembered comic book series eventually gets some kind of reboot several years later. The creative team working on the reboot remember the things they loved about it and try to recreate those things. But inevitably, they just ramp up the pace and make it far less effective. So the initial run of the Justice League ran for 261 issues until the team was broken beyond repair. A few years after that, this Giffen and DeMatteis run began. It was goofy and charming and silly with little real threat, a modern throw back to the fun adventures of the golden age characters where the villains were never an existential threat, often just some tarted up dumb-dumb trying to rob a bank or rule the world (but through goofy tricks rather than excess violence!). Eventually, remembering how things got desperate and depressing in the final few years of the original Justice League run, Giffen and DeMatteis begin to crank up the threat. Here we see the first casualty of this ramping up the danger: automaton Mister Miracle. In just a year or so, it will all come to a smashingly serious head with Breakdowns. The same kind of arc as Volume One of the Justice League's 261 issues but in 50 issues.
And just to show how this trend continues across time, we get another incarnation of the Justice League (not the next because Grant Morrison's JLA was something a bit different and more spectacular, incorporating modern dangers but against the most powerful DC heroes. We'll get to that in a few years!) in The New 52 which takes the same formula and winds up at a complete and utter breakdown of the team in just twelve issues.
Here's how comic books work across the decades: a fondly remembered comic book series eventually gets some kind of reboot several years later. The creative team working on the reboot remember the things they loved about it and try to recreate those things. But inevitably, they just ramp up the pace and make it far less effective. So the initial run of the Justice League ran for 261 issues until the team was broken beyond repair. A few years after that, this Giffen and DeMatteis run began. It was goofy and charming and silly with little real threat, a modern throw back to the fun adventures of the golden age characters where the villains were never an existential threat, often just some tarted up dumb-dumb trying to rob a bank or rule the world (but through goofy tricks rather than excess violence!). Eventually, remembering how things got desperate and depressing in the final few years of the original Justice League run, Giffen and DeMatteis begin to crank up the threat. Here we see the first casualty of this ramping up the danger: automaton Mister Miracle. In just a year or so, it will all come to a smashingly serious head with Breakdowns. The same kind of arc as Volume One of the Justice League's 261 issues but in 50 issues.
And just to show how this trend continues across time, we get another incarnation of the Justice League (not the next because Grant Morrison's JLA was something a bit different and more spectacular, incorporating modern dangers but against the most powerful DC heroes. We'll get to that in a few years!) in The New 52 which takes the same formula and winds up at a complete and utter breakdown of the team in just twelve issues.
And at only 20 pages per issue, you barely even care about whoever the fuck died here!
Judging by the statue, it was Rocket Red so that's probably why I barely remember it. Oh no! A Rocket Red died! The needle on my emotionometer jiggled less an old man's penis in the mouth of a willing prostitute. Not that I know anything about that! I used my imagination for that metaphor!
My first thought upon seeing this cover with Mister Miracle's grave (and I had more than one so numbering them seems appropriate!) was, "Didn't they do an autopsy?" But then I remembered he died when Despero blew up the ship he was piloting. So his robot pieces probably just mixed with space ship pieces and everybody believed his body was disintegrated. Which just shows how much they think he fucking sucks at the one thing he's supposed to be super capable at: escaping. If I were Mister Miracle, I'd be fucking pissed. "Why wouldn't you think I made a miraculous escape when you didn't find my body?! It's right there in my fucking name, you assholes!" I'd fucking quit the League and go see if Darkseid needed any help destroying the League.
You don't want to know my second and third thoughts because they had to do with Ice's ass. We'll ignore my fourth thoughts too. You guessed it: Fire's ass.
This issue begins where the last issue left off: the Justice League getting their very fine asses handed to them by the naked and angry alien, Despero. Now they're all just hoping J'onn comes along to do that mind trick to Despero where J'onn enables Despero to live out the dream of killing the Justice League in a forced telepathic fantasy. Then Despero will simply go away and never, ever come back to Earth ever again ever. Certainly no writer could come up with a way to make Despero realize he didn't actually get to kill the Justice League, right?!
My first thought upon seeing this cover with Mister Miracle's grave (and I had more than one so numbering them seems appropriate!) was, "Didn't they do an autopsy?" But then I remembered he died when Despero blew up the ship he was piloting. So his robot pieces probably just mixed with space ship pieces and everybody believed his body was disintegrated. Which just shows how much they think he fucking sucks at the one thing he's supposed to be super capable at: escaping. If I were Mister Miracle, I'd be fucking pissed. "Why wouldn't you think I made a miraculous escape when you didn't find my body?! It's right there in my fucking name, you assholes!" I'd fucking quit the League and go see if Darkseid needed any help destroying the League.
You don't want to know my second and third thoughts because they had to do with Ice's ass. We'll ignore my fourth thoughts too. You guessed it: Fire's ass.
This issue begins where the last issue left off: the Justice League getting their very fine asses handed to them by the naked and angry alien, Despero. Now they're all just hoping J'onn comes along to do that mind trick to Despero where J'onn enables Despero to live out the dream of killing the Justice League in a forced telepathic fantasy. Then Despero will simply go away and never, ever come back to Earth ever again ever. Certainly no writer could come up with a way to make Despero realize he didn't actually get to kill the Justice League, right?!
Aw. Despero's hate is simply fueled by envy! He wants to fit in and be loved!
It's been many years since the above panel so now I have to wonder: has any writer done a John Gardner-esque version of Despero? Or has there been a Broadway play where we're forced to empathize with Despero because the songs are so well written? I think it would work because I feel bad for him just from that single panel!
oh no beetle is dead oh no tragedy
That caption was me acting sarcastic because I know Beetle isn't actually dead and not being sarcastic because I'm glad Beetle is dead.
Maybe Blue Beetle was never shot in the head at all! Maybe Martian Manhunter just used this same trick on Max Lord! And then Blue Beetle quietly retired because being a superhero is hard and painful and why would anybody do it when they don't have to, especially when they don't have super powers? Beetle could easily have gotten rich being the Lucius Fox for some other rich dumb-dumb playing superhero.
Maybe Blue Beetle was never shot in the head at all! Maybe Martian Manhunter just used this same trick on Max Lord! And then Blue Beetle quietly retired because being a superhero is hard and painful and why would anybody do it when they don't have to, especially when they don't have super powers? Beetle could easily have gotten rich being the Lucius Fox for some other rich dumb-dumb playing superhero.
oh no martian manhunter is dead oh no tragedy
That was me being sarcastic because I'm glad that sanctimonious bastard is dead.
Okay, fine, he's not dead and I wouldn't be happy about it if he was. J'onn is a pretty cool character. I wonder if 18-year-old me was fooled by this telepathic murder fantasy? Probably! He was so stupid!
I just remember that in a past comic book review, I threatened to start publishing old poems and other stories from when I was much, much younger! I think 18-year-old me was a treasure trove of terrible heavy metal songs! Just the lyrics, of course! Why would I have learned to play music?! So difficult!
Despero snuffs out Fire in one clap of his hands and then walks past Ice having a sexy dream while napping.
Okay, fine, he's not dead and I wouldn't be happy about it if he was. J'onn is a pretty cool character. I wonder if 18-year-old me was fooled by this telepathic murder fantasy? Probably! He was so stupid!
I just remember that in a past comic book review, I threatened to start publishing old poems and other stories from when I was much, much younger! I think 18-year-old me was a treasure trove of terrible heavy metal songs! Just the lyrics, of course! Why would I have learned to play music?! So difficult!
Despero snuffs out Fire in one clap of his hands and then walks past Ice having a sexy dream while napping.
Oh the vulgar captions I wrote out and deleted before this one!
Hopefully nobody tells me that Ice really looks hurt in the above panels because I don't need to know that I'm the one who has a serious problem and it's not the way comic book artists draw hurt women at all! I don't need to suddenly know, at fifty, that, with a little more ambition, I might be a serial killer.
Despero dreams he destroys the entire Earth leaving him with a sense of peace and contentment. Being that he was mostly already dead except for the hate which kept him alive, this allows him to shrink back down into non-existence. Martian Manhunter has saved the day by hypnotizing Despero and convincing him to revert to a tiny little space fetus.
Despero dreams he destroys the entire Earth leaving him with a sense of peace and contentment. Being that he was mostly already dead except for the hate which kept him alive, this allows him to shrink back down into non-existence. Martian Manhunter has saved the day by hypnotizing Despero and convincing him to revert to a tiny little space fetus.
Oh he's adorable!
I wonder which one of the League is going to eat Despero? I'd put him in a bottle of tequila and call it Hate. I bet he'd be so delicious!
After the fight, it's time to attend to Scott Free's funeral because, as I pointed out, everybody fucking believes he was disintegrated rather than harbor the hope that he did what he does best. These fucking people.
After the fight, it's time to attend to Scott Free's funeral because, as I pointed out, everybody fucking believes he was disintegrated rather than harbor the hope that he did what he does best. These fucking people.
The priest, in his overblown eulogy, comes closest to possibly suggesting that Scott escaped the tragedy. But even he is all, "Yeah, no, the guy is toast! But he's more free than ever! God is so good! Thank you for killing us, God!"
The issue ends on a number of scenes where everybody gets to be sad and angry and not-ridiculous for once. Guy even acts human as he offers Ice a shoulder to cry on. I mean, obviously everybody reading that scene believes he's just trying to get in her pants. But in offering to listen, Guy simply talks. Because Guy can't express his feelings, he has to project them onto Ice. And Ice understands that he needs her more than she needs him.
In another scene, Batman yells at Superman because Batman is a gigantic dick who has never learned how to deal with his grief. And Booster Gold is too sad to make money! And Max Lord doesn't have time to mourn because he needs to get some stronger members on the team. Luckily for him, Scott Free's "brother," Orion, has come to the funeral to connect with his dead brother and maybe try to better himself. Probably by joining the League!
Oh yeah, and Barda punches the fuck out of Maxwell Lord who somehow survives. She also doesn't seem to believe her husband could have pulled off a last second escape! Too bad Oberon isn't around to tell call everybody fucking idiots. But that's because he's on space tour with the actual, non-robotic Mister Miracle.
Justice League America #40 Rating: A-. I like how Martian Manhunter defeated Despero with his telepathy although it was much more than that. It was a once-in-a-lifetime spiritual gift that one Martian can give to another Martian to make a fantasy seem more like reality. I guess they usually use it to have one unmatchable session of sex. But J'onn had to waste it on taming Despero's hate. It had to be a one-off Martian trick so that readers don't ask, every time there's a huge threat, "Why doesn't J'onn do that Mayahavanana thing?!" It was also nice to see a writer give Guy a human moment! Sure, if you hate Guy, you can write it off as him wanting to get in Ice's chilly pants. But it's a really carefully constructed scene and I thought it was perfect. Especially the way Ice realizes Guy is looking for consolation rather than giving it. The only thing that could have been better was the damage to Max's face and head after Barda slugged him. Nobody should be able to take a sucker punch from Barda! That fucker should be dead.
In another scene, Batman yells at Superman because Batman is a gigantic dick who has never learned how to deal with his grief. And Booster Gold is too sad to make money! And Max Lord doesn't have time to mourn because he needs to get some stronger members on the team. Luckily for him, Scott Free's "brother," Orion, has come to the funeral to connect with his dead brother and maybe try to better himself. Probably by joining the League!
Oh yeah, and Barda punches the fuck out of Maxwell Lord who somehow survives. She also doesn't seem to believe her husband could have pulled off a last second escape! Too bad Oberon isn't around to tell call everybody fucking idiots. But that's because he's on space tour with the actual, non-robotic Mister Miracle.
Justice League America #40 Rating: A-. I like how Martian Manhunter defeated Despero with his telepathy although it was much more than that. It was a once-in-a-lifetime spiritual gift that one Martian can give to another Martian to make a fantasy seem more like reality. I guess they usually use it to have one unmatchable session of sex. But J'onn had to waste it on taming Despero's hate. It had to be a one-off Martian trick so that readers don't ask, every time there's a huge threat, "Why doesn't J'onn do that Mayahavanana thing?!" It was also nice to see a writer give Guy a human moment! Sure, if you hate Guy, you can write it off as him wanting to get in Ice's chilly pants. But it's a really carefully constructed scene and I thought it was perfect. Especially the way Ice realizes Guy is looking for consolation rather than giving it. The only thing that could have been better was the damage to Max's face and head after Barda slugged him. Nobody should be able to take a sucker punch from Barda! That fucker should be dead.
No comments:
Post a Comment