The Fury of Firestorm #9

I kind of like the throwback feel to this cover. Back before Miller's The Dark Knight when comic books could be proud of being goofy.

Jasonstorm has turned the Eiffel Tower into rose petals, Ronniestorm has joined Pozhar, and Justice League International has just arrived in France to fight with Firestorms before everyone realizes they're all on the same side. I imagine this plot was an edict from the editors telling the Firestorm creative team that they had to crossover with Justice League International this month. This was decided by their pull the name of two different series out of a hat method. It's very technical.

Nearly destroyed? I guess if what you mean by that is the Tower hasn't actually totally fallen to the ground yet even though it's well on its way.

 

Okay, perhaps Jasonstorm didn't turn the Eiffel Tower into rose petals. I must have interpreted some artwork incorrectly. It looks like he was possibly changing fire from the rogue Firestorm's explosions into rose petals. Hurricane, the British Firestorm, has been trying to transform the broken girders back into non-broken girders. Yeah, he's trying to rebuild the Tower as the Tower falls around his ears. Maybe he should just turn it all into smoke and let the Parisians figure out if they want to rebuild it later. Although if the Eiffel Tower is destroyed on Earth One, how will any reader ever know when any other super team happens to be in Paris without the Eiffel Tower as a backdrop?

A third rogue Firestorm makes an appearance and Jasonstorm goes after him. But Jasonstorm is blasted in the back by the typical comic book misunderstanding between super heroes.

Difficulty Level: Stop doing this, Comic Book Writers! Also, August General in Iron definitely doesn't have a firm grasp on English since his "miss" was a "direct hit."

It's nice to know that Justice League International just come in blasting away without properly assessing the situation. And Batman is even on their team! He should know exactly what's happening before they even arrive in Paris. Maybe Batman's detective abilities don't function as well when he's hanging out with the Justice League International. I think they just bring everybody's game down to the lowest common denominator. Which would probably be Godiva, in this case. I say that because she's the least experienced! Not because she's a woman whose super power is hair. Do you think she has the same kind of control with the rug as she does the curtains?

Firehawk also does not have a firm grasp on English since these "friends" just threatened Jasonstorm.

Booster Gold begins barking orders while Batman stands in the background in silent approval. "Yes, my young Padawan, yes! Lead! LEAD LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!" Hmm, I guess if he'd actually said that, it wouldn't be silent approval. So pretend those quote marks are thought bubble marks since I don't actually know how to make those.

. o O (Yes I do!)

Booster Gold tells Guy to make sure the Eiffel Tower doesn't fall. I suppose a Green Lantern can do that with his green light but what happens when the light fades away? They really need to let the thing collapse. It's just not going to be safe anymore with Green Lantern Rivets and decaying Firestorm Transmuted Girders. I know I'll never go anywhere near it after this! I know this is fictional but you can never be too careful.

Also, Guy Gardner calls Booster Gold "Booster Seat" if you're taking score on the multiple ways Gardner can make fun of Booster's name.

Wow! August General was serious. The only "move" Jasonstorm made was grabbing his side where August General first blasted him!

Six pages in and right on cue, Justice League International realizes they're attacking the wrong Firestorm when the rogue Firestorm yells a bunch of bullshit that ends with, "In the name of mighty Ashra Khan, I cleanse the land," just before he dive bombs Paris. He flies up so high that Booster Gold has time to speak with Skeets about the identities of the Firestorms, Booster Gold extends an invitation to Firehawk to join the JLI, OMAC pleads with Booster Gold to allow him to join the fight, and Guy Gardner bickers with Hurricane as they rebuild the Eiffel Tower. But Batwing finally gets everyone back on track. Good thing he's serving a purpose on the team!

I once asked nearly the same question in Junior High. "How can I fight these bullies if I'm not willing to act just as ignorantly as them?"

Jasonstorm manages to halt the rogue Firestorm's suicidal descent for a few seconds before the Roguestorm calls him a puppet and continues his attack. I don't know what the real definition of puppet is because I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm pretty sure one of the main definitions is someone who's willing to kill themselves for someone else's cause because they've been convinced that that cause is the suicidal person's cause as well. Actually, the Oxford English Dictionary probably words it much better than I did. But I'm sure something like that is in there.

Once the Roguestorm gets past Jasonstorm, OMAC takes over! Earlier, Batman said that the JLI was "light in the tank department" when he thought OMAC should help them out. I think that means Batman plays World of Warcraft. He's at least playing one of WoW's derivative MMORPGs. But where does he find the Goddamned Bat-time to play? Anyway, OMAC takes care of the problem by pulling Roguestorm's head clean off.

Except that doesn't exactly solve the problem! Pulling off the head of a Firestorm is more akin to uncorking the atomic genie. Roguestorm explodes but Guy is able to contain the blast in Green Lantern Light. I'm not sure what he does with it after this. Maybe throw it into space? Perhaps have Jasonstorm transform it into farts? Or maybe just ask Batman to deal with it. Batman knows people.

Apparently OMAC was also contained in Guy's blast shield box because OMAC busts his way out from the inside. No radiation is released so OMAC must have the power to absorb explosions. Maybe he feeds on radioactivity. Maybe it powers his solar head fan? One Mighty Air Cleaner?

Now that the problem is solved and OMAC took care of the clean-up and everyone is ready to tie a great big bow on this issue, Jasonstorm decides that they need to take the next step in the plot to create more chaos.

This is what Jasonstorm really wants to do to Ronniestorm.

Kissing Firehawk has nearly the same effect as getting angry at Ronniestorm. I'm pretty sure that proves that whole homosexual tension thing I said was going on between Jason and Ronnie. When Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm's passions become enflamed, they turn into the beast known as Fury. Jasonstorm and Firehawk turn into a creature called Wrath. It immediately goes apeshit and begins attacking OMAC. Which might have been the point if Jasonstorm had any idea that an uncontrolled OMAC was a gigantic threat to Paris. But since he didn't have any idea and he just watched OMAC save the fucking day, his need to escalate the crazy doesn't make any sense.

Well, it might make sense. Someone just needs to explain it to me since I'm fucking too stupid to understand anything more intellectual than Beavis and Butthead.

Wrath is completely unstable, disappearing almost as quickly as it appeared and taking Firehawk and Jasonstorm with it. Skeets calls Booster and tells him the JLI need to head over to Justice League International #10 as quickly as possible because something else is going down in New York City. So the JLI leave Hurricane to figure out what the fuck just happened all by himself.

Meanwhile, in the Middle East, Pozhar and Ronniestorm hitchhike to somewhere. Whatever they're up to, it'll take place next issue. And I have a feeling Jasonstorm and Firehawk will make an appearance since they were in the Quantum Field when they disappeared and Jason made brief contact with Ronnie just before all of the shit everywhere hit all of the fans in existence.

The Fury of Firestorm The Nuclear Men #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. A lot of the action in this issue was simply bullshit. The Firestorms had one more rogue Firestorm to take out and they could have handled it easily. Instead, the JLI appear and cause a bunch of crazy trouble before defeating the rogue Firestorm themselves. But then why the fuck does Jasonstorm decide to merge with Firehawk? Should I chalk it up to simple lust? He just needed a congratulatory smooch after the battle? This issue was just a needless mess. Oh, and you might be wondering (although you probably aren't) what happened to Godiva during this battle? Booster sent her off as soon as they landed to take care of the civilians and she was never seen again! Well, until the end when she's waiting by Guy's Green plane to go home. I hope her hair was helpful in corralling the panicking tourists!