Friday, June 14, 2013

Worlds' Finest #13

The Huntress should have gone with the name Boxing Helena because I can't stop objectifying Power Girl.

In celebration of Flag Day, I thought I'd list some of my childhood heroes. Charles Nelson Reilly was one of my favorite people when I was six or seven. I used to watch the Match Game because everybody on the show was having a good time, so it had to be funny even though the sexual innuendo, which was most of the show, blew right past me. Gene Rayburn would have to be on the list too. I probably liked older men because my father wasn't really in my life but I saw my grandfather every day. And he was one of the sweetest, kindest people I'll ever have had the chance to know. I also, at about five or six, used to walk around the block every day with another old neighbor who died not long after that.

Let's see, Scatman Crothers was a hero of mine as well. I loved Hong Kong Phooey although I probably didn't know that was Crothers at the time. When I was eight or nine years old, my favorite movie in the world was Scavenger Hunt which featured both Scatman Crothers and, another hero, Roddy McDowall. I think I had seen The Shining before seeing Scavenger Hunt since Scatman Crothers role in that movie as friend and guardian of Danny would have been a major reason for me bonding with him.

Runners up in the desperate need for a male role model in my life go to Garrett Morris and Father Guido Sarducci and Richard Mulligan. The best part about connecting with certain celebrities when you're a kid is that you really can't explain why you had that connection. But that's my list: Charles Nelson Reilly, Gene Rayburn, Scatman Crothers, Roddy McDowall, Garrett Morris, Father Guido Sarducci, and Richard Mulligan. I have no idea how many of those names will mean anything to the younger people just wanting to read about The New 52. But there you go! Happy Flag Day!

Oh my God! I can't believe I forgot Art Carney! Big time love for that guy! I probably watched Going in Style a hundred times as a kid. Sheesh, what the fuck was wrong with me?

Here's a picture of Power Girl desperately trying to get her spine to work with her on her Boobs and Butt Showcase to distract you from wondering why I wrote all that shit about Flag Day and people I looked up to as a kid.

The Huntress and Power Girl are currently engaged in some legally spotty investigation of the Securities and Exchange Commission to figure out how Holt Industries made a hostile takeover of Starr Industries. I think it should be Starr Enterprises especially since two companies with "Industries" in their name is just confusing. Maybe it was simply a clerical error that caused the two companies to merge? Or maybe when Karen said to Michael, "Hey, Michael, you want to merge?", he thought she was talking about business. Karen was probably wondering why she had to sign all of those forms just to see Mister Terrific's cock.

Maybe this is why I brought up all of that other stuff earlier. Because I would later read Power Girl saying "scavenger hunt."

Before Helena and Karen can make a break for it with the files they came for, an enormous Apokodog comes crashing through the wall. And it has one of those collars from that movie with the sad old man and the balloons that lets the dog speak! It says, "Stupid girl." What the hell is wrong with that dog? Dogs are supposed to be jovial and happy and loaded with cripplingly low self-esteem. They aren't supposed to be insulting and angry! I guess a dog's attitude really does depend on how it was brought up. And this dog was brought up on Apokolips. In the immortal words of Stanley Martin Lieber, "'Nuff said."

Power Girl and The Huntress choose to run. Again. That's their best move! And I'm actually glad it is. Too many heroes run around with that cocky arrogance that really just masks a martyr complex. I like that these girls do what needs to get done and run when running needs to be run.

Meanwhile in another part of Earth Prime, Desaad learns that his Sniffer has picked up the trail of Power Girl. Oh! I bet the Apokodog is called Sniffer! And he's desperately trying to shove his nose into Power Girl's crotch. But Power Girl and The Huntress have retreated to one of Helena's safe houses in Alexandria, Virginia.

Where they enjoy some tea and cat food.

Obviously Sniffer crashes through the wall on the next page. I hope I didn't sound too pretentious with that whole 'obviously' bit. But come on! All the clues were there! They mentioned being in a safe house which meant they weren't safe. They were eating cat food. They were having a quiet moment over tea. The comic book wasn't over yet. These are all subtle clues that a Master Comic Book Reader never misses!

During the fight, The Huntress gets a concussion. At least I assume she gets a concussion since she says, "How he'd find us so fast?" And that doesn't make a lot of sense in my non-concussed brain!

Oh yeah. Someone get that girl to a doctor.

Now that Sniffer has found Power Girl, Desaad sends Hakkou #2, Marbury, to catch up to Sniffer and his prey. From the equipment Power Girl stole from Michael Holt, Desaad realizes she must be from Earth 2 and is looking for a way back. Even though Apokolips seems to be from its own little pocket dimension with Boom Tube access to other dimensions, it looks like Desaad is stuck on Earth Prime without the proper technology to get himself back to either Earth 2 (where he might think the war ended in Darkseid's favor) or Apokolips.

Since Power Girl can't beat Sniffer into submission, Helena comes up with a plan to defeat it. She just thinks, "WWMFD?" Most people would think "WWBD?" but since Batman is her father, she gets to think it differently. Anyway, her plan works and the issue ends!

RIP Sniffer.

Worlds' Finest #13 Rating: No change. This issue left me with so many questions. What was that pink crap they were eating over tea? Was it cotton candy? Shrimp cocktail? Steak tartare? Caviar? Pig vomit? I guess that was just one question restated many times. This issue left me with one question.

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