Monday, June 24, 2013

Legion of Super-heroes #21

I bet the fifth member of The Fatal Five is a Legionnaire!

I'm sure a lot of people are wondering, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, how do you manage to write such amazing commentary on The New 52?" Well, let me give you a peak at the daily grind!

First I have to wake up my computer from hibernation. I don't know why it's called hibernation since I don't leave it untouched for months at a time. I had a habit of just leaving my laptop constantly running but then my fan started acting up and I realized that was probably a really bad idea. Or, more probable, I always knew it was a bad idea but didn't care because who wants to waste precious seconds waiting for your laptop to start up? So when I discovered hibernation mode, I trilled, "This is the setting for me!"

So after my computer fires up, I unlock it with my super secret secret code that isn't really keeping anybody off of my laptop since I'm the only one who uses it. But it will keep everybody off of my laptop if I die and then nobody will be able to discover and publish all of my amazing works posthumously. Maybe I should make a will containing a scavenger hunt that will lead the players to all of my passwords so they can unlock the mystery that was my life! Because after I die, I'd rather believe people would be super interested in finding out more about me than what will really happen. People will check my blog for a few weeks before forgetting about it. Then every six months or so, they'll remember and think, "Whatever happened to that guy? Maybe Tess has come back!" and they'll log on and find my account still inactive. Maybe a few people will send me emails and private messages that never get answered and slowly even Lord Google will forget that my page ever existed.

Anyway, after logging on, I'll think about what project I want to work on before I look over and see the stack of comic books I still need to read. So I decide to read one of those before getting to my real work and I'll pick up something like, I don't know, Legion of Super-heroes. Then I'll set it down and decide to check out Facebook to see what kinds of mediocre things my family and friends are up to.

After reading a few reposted Someecards posts and pictures of beers and children and another quote about how reading is the bestest from Soy Rakelson, I log off and check out my Twitter feed. God and Ricky Gervais and J. Jonah Jameson and Patton Oswalt make me laugh a few times and I log off. I'm really horrible at participating in social media unless I can type many, many words about myself. So then I check Tumblr's dashboard for an hour or so before coming to terms with my need to read Legion of Super-heroes. But by now I probably have to use the restroom and I walk away from the computer.

Returning a few hours later after being waylaid by a cat or two and forced to cuddle and nap while watching something mind-numbingly shitty on non-cable television, I wander back into my office to see Legion of Super-heroes lying on top of the scanner still in the mylar. So I turn around and yell to my non-certified spouse, "Want any tea from the local evil tea empire?" I don't think that question has ever garnered a negative response, so I put on some pants and head to the local Starbucks because who wants to make tea when it's super easy but it's super easier to go pay exorbitant prices for it down at the corner? On the way to Starbucks, I might sing a little song to myself like, "Semen tree! Semen tree! Semen tree can you see me?" One of the ten different coffee clerks will recognize me and ask if I want two teas and I'll say yes and then I'll sit in the leather chair if it isn't taken and think, "This is nice." That will make me realize I have old man tendencies and then my tea will be ready and I'll go home and finally sit down and scan the cover of Legion of Super-heroes as I check to see if The CRPG Addict has updated. If he has, I'll read his entry and marvel at how stodgy and winning-minded he is as he blows through game after game being annoyed by any whimsical factor present in every game he plays. And then I'll finally open up Legion of Super-heroes.

Big deal! The Persuader managed to kill one Duplicate Damsel! Hopefully it's not the one that's into Bouncing Boy.

On their way back to Earth, Brainiac Kid and his crew realize that Earth has gotten its ass kicked by The Persuader. Magnet Boy declares that they should have left a stronger defense. I didn't realize his super power was stating the fucking obvious. If you see a defense has been breached, I'm not sure how it helps to declare that defense should have been stronger. Elementary School Kid engages his obvious discussion for some reason. I guess arguing about the past is supposed to somehow help them cope with the present and come up with a plan for the future?

Yeah, I've got a solution! How about instead of thinking you're the only fucking fuckers capable of saving anybody else in the universe, how about tending your own gardens and trusting that other people can come up with some kind of defenses of their own? Hey! Then maybe you could have defended Earth! It's always the same, you Imperialist bastards! While trying to control the rest of the world to feel safe at home, you leave home unguarded and vulnerable.

Back on Earth, The Persuader in his hockey mask battles One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid on a pile of Duplicate Damsel bodies. One Hit Wonder Boy knocks the mask off of Persuader and realizes his secret identity is the Goatee-faced Dickhead.

"The Legion doesn't quit!" "Dude, your leader ditched you!" "Oh. I quit."

Why do these heroes always listen to the enemy's lies? Even if The Persuader isn't lying, Jo Nah should assume that he is! Maybe while Ultra Boy is using his super strength, he can't use his skepticism.

Back aboard Brainiac 5's ship, Wearing Just a Bikini Lass is trying to save Mon-el's life. Wearing So Many Clothes Maybe He Should Share Some With Bikini Lass Boy offers to help by slowing down some key chemical reactions that Death needs to make a thing die. But no, seriously Chemical Kid, maybe offer Shadow Lass your robe.

Chemical Kid has "a list of chemical reactions to slow down in the medical tank." From that information alone, Dreamy Girl declares it "sound biology." I suppose she might be remembering what the chemical reactions were from a previous dream and doesn't realize that she hasn't heard one word about biology in the current linear time. Or else just telling her a smart guy gave him the list provoked the assumption that it was sound biology.

"Quick! Take a nap and tell me if Mon-el will live!"

Why is Dreamy Girl so worried about her husband that can change the density of shit and himself and his own shit? If he was crushed it's because he was too inept at using his one power. If One Hit Wonder Boy can rapidly switch from one power to the next as needed, I'm pretty sure Beard Man can work his density power instantaneously when needed.

Meanwhile in the Realm of Death, Invisible Kid and Polar Man learn the startling truth from dead Iron Butterface: they can go back to the land of the living but they might die there and then they'll return to the Land of the Dead forever! Oh hey! Thanks for the great information. So the other choice is to not try and go back and stay in the Land of the Dead forever? Great fucking advice, corpsy. I thought this side trip to the Land of the Dead might actually teach these guys something. Maybe Paul Levitz just couldn't think of anything exciting so he tried to make it ominous. Or maybe he wanted to show them in the Land of the Dead so the reader can see that Star Boy and Phantom Girl and Duplicate Damsel and Sun Boy aren't there.

Brainiac 5's ship arrives on Earth in time to see Metropolis falling to pieces. Tharok arrives to help Persuader finish them. And The Emerald Empress is here too after somehow getting out of her Inertron prison. I don't know how she did it but SWOOOOON!

Tharok is kind of a dick head as well. Emerald Empress should share some of that gorgeous hair.

I think Tharok is only there digitally or something because Persuader and Emerald Empress do all the work of dismantling the Legionnaires. I suppose the fifth member of the Fatal Five should show up as a last page surprise but until then, let's look at some of the reasons the Emerald Empress has stolen my heart.

The hair. The flying, destructive tit. That tush. And that joyful, contagious smile!

The rest of the Legion hide within Brainiac 5's force bubble which is impenetrable to the Persuader's Axe and Emerald Empress's Flying Tit. But that's okay because Tharok has the ability to turn it off! He does so and the Emerald Empress blasts the shit out of all the remaining Legionnaires. I have no idea what kind of force power comes out of the Emerald Empress's pet boob but it seems pretty deadly. It's strong enough to take an arm off of Mon-el, so I can only imagine how fucked up everybody else is now.

And instead of the fifth Fatal Five member appearing (maybe Tharok isn't as smart as he thinks and can't actually count very high?), Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad return to save the day! And for some reason I called them by their real names!

Legion of Super-heroes #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm really beginning to enjoy this comic book. Maybe all it took was to see the Legion get the crap beaten out of them issue after issue. Is that the draw? Seeing them nearly get wiped out again and again while suffering a loss or two in every big conflict because they have so many members to spare? This comic book is about to end and I think it's finally getting good. It's definitely finally getting to a place where new readers can enjoy it. You know, if those new readers had been willing to pay $2.99 each month for twenty months before the payoff began to seem worth it!

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