DC House of Horror #1, Part One

Is it really appropriate for DC to release a horror title when we're living in America in 2017?

Some of you across the globe may have noticed that we Americans have a gun problem. You might be thinking, at times (like every day when The Fake News reports a mass shooting in America), "Why don't they do something about that problem? Don't they like not being shot while out in public?" I wouldn't blame you for coming up with such a naive thought about such a complex problem! I mean, you can't just not let people have as many guns as they want! That would be anti-freedom. And if there's one thing Americans love more than praying they don't get shot when they go out for coffee, it's freedom! Occasionally you'll hear some Americans express the opinion that maybe we shouldn't allow people to own so many bullets and the machines that hurtle those bullets through the air at deadly velocity. But those voices can't really do anything about the problem. You see, we're not just a country with a gun problem; we're a country in a hostage situation. The people who own guns and want more guns and think guns should be everywhere so we're safer won't engage in any kind of debate about the problem. Why should they? They have a gun and you should just shut your fucking mouth, you snowflake. Besides, you haven't heard their side of the argument yet or else you'd stop wishing for better gun control. So stop being naive until you've sat down and heard why we need guns. I'm going to explain it to you. After you read this, you'll go away thinking, "Oh yeah! That makes sense! I wish my country had easier access to guns! Go guns!"

First off, you might have heard about the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to sit on a throne of guns while we eat off of a television tray made of guns and pick our teeth with even smaller guns when we're done. And even though we have the freedom of speech, you don't have the right to tell me I'm an asshole for living in my house of guns with my car made of guns that's powered by bullets. And more guns, probably. I suppose, maybe, if I'm being intellectually honest with you, you sort of have the right to say that since it's also in the Constitution. But I can probably shoot you with my gun for saying that, especially if I'm in Florida because I'm just standing my ground and I felt threatened by your hate speech. Or maybe you didn't say anything and you just rolled your eyes when I said "Woo boy! Guns!" That was threatening too and I have the right to shoot you with my constitution. I mean gun. So right off the bat, your argument about gun control is invalid because the Constitution. But I'll explain the situation some more for you stubborn cretins who haven't read the one small section of the Constitution that I understand and that you can't take away even though it's called an Amendment and I have a vague notion that some of our Amendments have themselves been amended to make the country better.

But let's get to the meat of the problem. People who don't like guns are snowflakes because they're scared of something that can't actually kill people all by itself. What do they think a gun is, the doll from Child's Play? Like it's going to get off the throne of guns that I made for it and shoot them in the face! It's fucking ridiculous. They're too scared to own a gun to protect themselves from the blacks who are the ones who make guns kill people. I mean, if I was forced to get rid of my guns, how would I protect my family from the blacks who are all in gangs and are constantly shooting up Chicago and each other? How would I protect my VCR and my collection of antique guns? If guns were outlawed, only blacks would own guns! I mean outlaws! Having to protect myself from the inevitable home invasion is the main reason to own a gun. And if we as a country have to deal with mass shootings every single day so that I don't have to feel unsafe due to the constant crush of my daily racist thoughts, that's just the price we as Americans have to pay. Besides, I'll have a gun in a situation when things go to shit and I'll save the fucking day with my gun! Which, again, is why we all need guns! Sure, I have to occasionally squash down the desire to pull it out when a customer service representative at a non-gun store gets smarmy with me but it's not like I'll ever let my rage get out of control like that. I pretended to take a gun safety class, after all!

Aside from the criminals who are probably going to steal all of my shit if they knew the government had kept me from buying an AR-15, we also have to worry about the government in this country. Right after they take our guns away, they're going to send us all to death camps and force us into gay marriages. So I need my gun to keep my government honest! They sure as shit had better pass all those laws that help out the rich while my family suffers or my local militia is going to give them what-for! Maybe not immediately because half of them might be drunk on Budweiser and the other half are probably locked in the bathroom having severe meat shits from our terrible diets. But we'll march in the public with our guns waving and our flags, um, waving and them cops won't do shit because they're cowards. I mean, they're great people who keep us safe from the blacks. But they better not try to take my gun, the fascists!

Another reason we need so many guns is Obama. Did you hear about how he fucked up our country for eight years? And then Hillary! And the Benghazi emails! That's why we need so many guns.

So in conclusion, the people who need to make gun control a reality in this country are the people who want to use and keep their guns. They control the narrative and they're the ones who should be demanding that these mass shootings end. But they won't do it. Not because they're snowflakes or whiny babies or can't feel safe without a death machine by their beds or any other reason that might make them look less like a rational adult who can handle life's problems without having to utterly destroy something. No, it's because they're protecting us all from the evil government. And so what if the government hasn't been the ones shooting innocent people on a daily basis and it's been the citizens who can get a gun as easy as they can get gum. I bet if guns were taken away and all the mass shootings by citizens stopped, the government would take over and do even worse mass shootings. So see? We need the guns and we won't give them up no matter how much wringing of their garments and demands for gun control the people who don't give a shit about guns and never think about guns on those few days of the year where just the right amount of people have been shot so that none of the shootings make the Fake News. Those people are hostages to the people who must have guns out of fear of the evil government or the out of control criminals (who are less likely to be black or Muslim or Mexican than white but that also is part of the nonsense of belief kept in the minds of the fearful...I mean brave gun owners).

People who refuse to even consider any kind of gun control don't give a shit about mass shootings but they're the ones who should, and the only ones who can get something to change. They're the ones who should be having the discussion because if they want to keep the right, they should come up with the plan for a safer America that doesn't sorely infringe on their gun ownership. What more can a non-gun person do but say "Do something! Anything!" They can't force them to give up their guns because they're outgunned! Instead, we're all hostages. Because the gun owners think that if a mass shooting erupts around them, they'll have a gun and stop it and they'll be safe no matter what. Basically they blame the victims for not being armed. So they shrug and think more guns are the answer and all the people who get shot in a shooting are dumb sheep who should have known better. They'll willingly trade the safety of people who don't carry a gun for their right to carry a gun. Even if that argument is pure bullshit and they'll never fucking stop a mass shooting no matter how many times they've imagined the scenario in their mind while jerking off with their guns.

Commercial break.

Now that it's after the commercial break, I'm a new program with a different voice and I'd like to apologize to African Americans for accusing you of wanting to steal my VCR. That was satire in the voice of an NRA Snowflake who totally thinks all gun crime is black crime. I know you don't really want my VCR. I don't even want my VCR. I mean, also, we know who the actual criminals are because they know they can get away with it. Especially now that the media and Hollywood have, for decades, ensured that police view black people as gang members and thugs while white people are just trying to find love in the wackiest situations.

Anyway, that's my social commentary for the month! I should comment every time there's a mass shooting but how much time do you think I have?! It would seriously cut into my Call of Duty time! And before you say something about Call of Duty somehow contributing to gun violence, I'd like you to know that I only run around the Call of Duty maps beating people to death with a shovel.

I should probably read this comic book now. But I only have time for the first story so I'll break this one up into parts.

The first story is called "Bump in the Night." It's written by Edward Lee who I don't know. It's drawn by Howard Porter who I do know and enjoy a lot! So even if the reading part of my brain is all "This writing is atrocious!" at least the seeing part of my brain will be all "Oh yeah! That's the stuff! Not the really good stuff that me and the ears really like. You know that stuff? The stuff with the women and the butt things and the moaning? But this will do for now!"

Oh, Keith Giffen is responsible for the plot. That probably means the script went something like this:

Ma Kent: "Opinion that is a bit opaque."
Pa Kent: "Response that doesn't quite make sense."
Ma Kent: "Comment that's interrupted by..."
Pa Kent: "Exclamation of frustration!"
Ma Kent: "Trying to clarify things for Pa."
Pa Kent: "Stubbornly maintains misinterpretation of Ma's original comment."
Ma Kent: "Exhausted!"
Pa Kent: "Remains proud of his ignorance."

I'll have to read the conversation three or four times before I feel I've grasped what it's about before moving on to the next confusing exchange between characters.

I don't know what "jack their jaws" means but I know what I want it to mean!

That's Pa Kent lying dead in the field. This is an Elseworlds Horror Story as you can tell by the cell phones being used by Ma and Pa Kent. Also that Pa is dead. He seems to have been killed by whatever came out of the ship that crashed in their field. My guess is that it wasn't baby Kal. Maybe this is an Alien/Superman crossover!

Martha is attacked by whatever was in the pod. It seems to be an overly cooked Superboy. At one point, as Ma is running from the creature, she thinks, "I promise I'll never rag about guns in the house again." See?! Americans also need guns to protect them from creatures from outer space! If guns were outlawed, only super strong creatures from out of space who can't be killed by guns would have guns!

After killing Martha, Toddler Clark who can only scream in Kryptonian letters flies off to destroy the world. I guess this story was a thought experiment. It's lucky Clark was only a baby when he got to Earth and could be raised and molded by loving parents because look what would have happened if he'd arrived when he was two! What a fucking monster!

Bump in the Night Rating: If you like seeing beloved characters killed by their cherished child, you're a sick fuck. Also, this story is for you. I wish there had been more guns.

Deadman #1

If you turn off your lights, this cover will glow in the dark.

By buying this comic book, I have committed a grievous sin. How do I justify purchasing this book written and drawn by Neal Adams when The Coming of the Supermen, also written and sort-of drawn by Neal Adams, was possibly the most terrible comic book I've read since September 2011? It was so bad that I blacked it out and I often forget to mention it as the worst comic. Other comics may have been drawn worse or edited more poorly or had substandard writing. But none of them had all of them put together! The worst part is that I feel bad saying that about Neal Adams and his work. He's just an old man who peaked decades ago and here I am shitting all over his modern work. Technically you can hardly tell that I'm shitting on it because who can tell two different shits apart, really? I suppose somebody might walk by and think, "Look at the way some of that shit is sitting awkwardly on top of that other bit of shit. I bet that's two pieces of shit and not just MC Escher shit!" It's not like my saying Neal Adams' last work at DC was terrible makes what he did any more or less terrible. Somebody with eyes and an ability to read and the stomach to purchase The Coming of the Supermen can experience exactly how terrible it was without any input from me! And yet here I am purchasing another new comic book completely written and drawn by Neal Adams. Well, that's what the cover says, at least. I'm sure the interior credits will mention some people who helped out. If not in this first issue, by the third at the very least.

So why am I encouraging DC to hire Neal Adams? Because I like Deadman, that's why! Plus I guess I sort of feel DC is doing the right thing by hiring older writers and artists. I mean, they could just retroactively give them a piece of the profits on characters they created. That would solve two problems in one move! The writers who were screwed out of any percentage of characters that became a windfall for the company get their money and I don't have to read any of their shitty new bullshit!

This issue begins with Commissioner Gordon inspecting nuclear sites in Japan. Why? Did I miss something in James Gordon's history that made him the ideal candidate for this job? Seriously though, did I? Because I don't understand how this could come about! It's possible it will be explained on the next page but who has the patience to wait for an explanation that far in the future?! I want to know why I'm so Goddamned confused right now! I mean aside from the simple confusion of trying to read a modern Neal Adams story.

When Neal Adams writes and draws a comic book, I wonder if he writes or draws first? I don't think it matters.

That scan is from page two. So two pages in and I've already got dozens of questions. The main one is how come James Gordon asks "Who're you?" when he sees his doppelgänger rather than "Should I get my dick out?" The next major question is why is James Gordon so into Japanese nuclear power plant seals? It doesn't say anything about his interest in them in his Who's Who entry. I'm least curious about who the second James Gordon is. I guess that's what happens when you take Commissioner Gordon out of Gotham and have him gallivanting about the planet working jobs he has no reason to be working. No wonder the nuclear reactor at Fukushima melted down. Maybe get some actual scientists and engineers in for inspections next time, guys.

Also touring the reactor? Boston Brand and the man who killed him. Separately, of course! Brand's assassin, Hook, has infiltrated the reactor with his team of eight henchmen. I don't know why they've come along since Hook screams at them that James Gordon, the target, is his. I guess they're just supposed to wander around looking for him. Boston Brand has come because Hook is here and he thinks this is his chance to kill him. I wonder if Neal Adams had a short story sitting around about a takeover of a nuclear reactor and he decided to use it for the basis of the Deadman script when DC contacted him.

I wonder if DC even contacted him? Maybe Neal Adams calls daily asking if they'll let him write a series. And since Deadman wasn't really being used, why not give him a chance to make him really popular again? Or completely ruin him, which is more likely.

Neal Adams gets tired of writing the already incomprehensible story of Gordon's trip to Japan so Deadman has a flashback to another time he failed to kill Hook.

I probably shouldn't even be writing this review if all I'm going to do is shit all over an old man. It's going to be really embarrassing when the old man recognizes me at a con and kicks my ass.

At one point, the Narrator called Boston Brand "Casper" and I got really confused for awhile. But that's not as bad as how confused I was when the Narrator explained how the Hook killed Boston but was accused by the League of Assassins of failing to kill Boston even though he obviously did kill Boston. It seems to have something to do with Boston Brand having a twin brother and a strongman named Tiny?

I'm not sure Neal Adams cared or understood Boston Brand's origin story. The gist of it is that Boston Brand needed to kill The Hook for some kind of karmic justice. But The Hook was killed by somebody else and so Deadman never found peace. In this one, Adams has introduced (or regurgitated) a bunch of elements to explain why The Hook would be killed by the League after succeeding in killing Boston.

Is it funny? Is it?

Deadman watches Hook's body drop into some water through a trapdoor. There is a large splash and Deadman thinks, "Splash?! Yeah . . . this will never be done. Sensei . . . teacher . . . lives up to his name. Disposed of Hook's body. Very efficient. League of Assassins . . . any cold-blooded killer could learn a lot from these monsters. And now a new assignment, busywork for Hook." It's like reading an Ann Nocenti script on acid! And I mean both that Nocenti wrote the script while on acid and the reader read the comic on acid in that analogy! My best interpretation of the moment as a whole is that Deadman has been awestruck by the idea that somebody would hide a body after killing it, thus thwarting justice! As for the "this will never be done" part, I have no idea what he's talking about at that moment. Did he want to fuck Hook's corpse? Who can tell? That's one possibility as likely as any other! And then it ends with Deadman simply ignoring everything he just thought about Hook being dead and stating that Hook (who he just mentioned was super dead and disposed of) now has to do the League's busy work by killing James Gordon. What the fuck now?

I suppose I should just forget all of that and just get back into the present story. Deadman wants revenge against Hook who is still alive even though the flashback showed how dead he was. That's the motivation. Although I still don't know the motivation for Gordon inspecting Japanese nuclear facilities or Hook's need to kill Gordon outside of Gotham. Oh! And I can't forget the sudden appearance of James Gordon's evil twin brother!

Fine. Here's one win for Neal Adams. I always enjoy a good bowel movement reference, no matter how absurdly or awkwardly placed in the dialogue.

Because Batman is on the cover and Evil Twin James Gordon recognizes Deadman when he possesses a Japanese worker, I have to assume Evil James Gordon is actually Batman who caught wind of this assassination plot and showed up to thwart it. Or maybe he didn't know about the plot at all and he was just as curious as I am as to why James Gordon has suddenly become an expert in Japanese nuclear reactors.

Evil Gordon reveals himself to be Batman. He's on the trail of whoever hired Hook to kill Gordon and he claims it wasn't Sensei because Batman killed Sensei himself. You heard me! Deadman was similarly shocked by the revelation! Batman killed a man! And proudly admitted it! What could possibly be going on?! I mean other than Neal Adams not giving a fuck and the editors being told to just lay off the script and let the man have his fun?

Sensei didn't slip between your fingers! When were you ever trying to kill Sensei?! You were just trying to stop him from killing Hook. This doesn't make any sense at all!

It turns out Batman didn't kill the Sensei but admits later that the Sensei is as good as dead. I don't know why Batman couldn't have told Deadman the stuff he tells him later. I suppose it's because Neal Adams doesn't really fucking know where the story is going. Anyway, Deadman gets a clue to head to Hong Kong in search of the Sensei. I guess the Sensei is the one Deadman wants to kill now since he put out the hit on Boston Brand. I mean, technically he didn't because Hook got to choose his own target and chose it from a poster, as stated earlier in the story. But Deadman doesn't seem to want to kill The Hook anymore. He could have back in the nuclear reactor but instead decided to yell at Batman for a bit and leave the assassins unconscious on the ground.

Deadman #1 Rating: This comic book is as good as a shit flavored scratch and sniff sticker. I still don't know why James Gordon was inspecting nuclear reactors. It's not like the battle against The Hook needed to take place there. Couldn't Neal Adams have come up with a place that made more sense? Like maybe a visit to the proctologist? Or a Police Commissioner's convention? This is going to bother me for weeks.

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1

"I have no penis!"

I probably don't really need to read this, do I? I almost certainly won't have anything intellectual to say about it. And don't think I don't hear the snickering after that line and the mumbled "You never do!"s! I also don't want to hear any criticism of the structure of that previous sentence! It communicated what I wanted to communicate and that's all that matters! I think I've run out of my daily allotment of exclamation points. I wasn't being calm in that previous sentence; it's just that — if you were paying attention — you'd remember that I ran out of exclamation points. But that's okay because now I'm going to use a bunch of semicolons and em dashes[exclamation point]

I would also like to clarify — before the Actually Nerds show up and shit down my everything — I realize Devastator has tights on in the cover and maybe — just maybe — he has an incredibly flat and minuscule penis. It's also possible that Doomsday lost his penis to one of his resurrections because he was kicked in the junk to death and needed to be reborn so that that would never happen again. Now the Actually Nerds are going to say something like, "Then why wouldn't he just lose his testicles?!" Well, maybe he did just lose them! But then maybe some hot alien lured him to his death with a blow job and his body was all, "Get rid of the penis so that that never happens again!" Now the Actually Nerds are all, "If he already lost his testicles, why would he be interested in a blow job?!" Well, you know what? I don't have all the fucking answers! If you want to go around simply being contrarian for the sake of how smart you think it makes you look, go ahead! But know this: nobody likes you! Also, I seem to have gotten a new shipment of exclamation points!

Here's an interesting and unsurprising fact about this issue: James Tynion IV wrote the script even though he wasn't credited on the cover. My guess is that Frank Tieri wrote a script but for once in their stupid lives, the editors rejected it. For once, the editors picked up a script that was delivered on time, actually read it, thought it was terrible, and didn't shrug their shoulders and think, "At least we'll make the deadline, Lobdell!" For once, their laziness didn't win out. My guess is that half of Frank Tieri's script was Batman calling Superman a fag and even though the editors were entertained by it and found themselves muttering under their breath, "Ha ha. Fag," they realized the shit would hit the fandom. They needed to call Scott Snyder for some last minute help. Not because Snyder would write the script. No, they just needed him to release Tynion from the Gimp Oubliette in his backyard.

I suppose people read online comic book reviews to either learn about what happened in a comic book they don't want to pay the exorbitant cover price for or because they want to know if it's worth picking up. I doubt many read them to hear what the reviewer thinks will happen in the comic book before the reviewer even reads it. But I'm sure there are one or two people out there who find my thoughts interesting. It would be nice if I could say three or four people but fuck you, Mom and Dad! I am too a failure! I mean a success!

My guess is that Batman the Devastator came into being when Batman realized the only real way to ever stop Superman if he goes rogue is to become the one thing that has a history of sort-of killing Superman: Doomsday! It's a good thing I'm not Batman because I enjoy whimsy and randomness so much that I'd just go for shoving Red Kryptonite in Superman's face to see what happens. In the real universe, Batman realized becoming Doomsday was a stupid idea because then he'd kill Superman and go on to kill the rest of the people on Earth. But in the Dark Multiverse, Dark Batman was all, "Yes! I know I vowed to never allow any other rich kid suffer the trauma of their parents' death but it's not like Jon Kent is rich! He's just a dumb farmer's kid. He'll get over his father's death way easier than a sheltered little mama's boy who never had to experience any harshness from life! So I can probably kill Superman and not really go back on the vow I made when I realized the world wasn't all day trips to the bank to look at my father's money." So Dark Batman injects Doomsday DNA into his butthole and WHAMMO! Batman the Devastator! Then the rest of the story is just like the other Metal Tie-ins. Batjoker appears and recruits Devastator who goes to Earth-Main-Earth's Metropolis to completely destroy it. Then Doctor Fate shows up and Superman goes to Bucky the Chimp's bar and...well, you've seen that part of the story.

So the plot of this issue was written by Frank Tieri while the words are Tynion's. How much did Tieri get paid for basically telling the same story that has been told in all the other issues? "Here's the plot, guys: Batman has a bad thought which turns the Batman of a Dark Universe Earth into that Devastator guy. Things go wrong when Batman decides killing is okay! But then he realizes he can't save the world because the world is ending when Batjoker appears and takes him to Earth-0. Then, um, well, you know. Just end it like the others ended. Doctor Destiny appears to save the day or whatever. Then maybe Batman can put some gay magazines in Devastator's backpack to make him look gay. Ha ha!"

I would like to say I was surprised by this Finch...I mean Daniel double-page spread but Tumblr's confusiongrows already spoiled it for me. Also, it's Tony S. Daniel. Was anybody actually surprised by it?

I bet Tony S. Daniel can get a decent amount of money for the original art of this double-page spread because it features Lobo. Also it features Batman and Doomsday, sort of. Plus over thirty percent of it is snow and who doesn't like snow?!

At the end of this battle, Devastator throws Lobo into the sun. I think. I mean, it's not like they spend twelve to fifteen issues showing Lobo travelling through space before he winds up flying into the sun. Devastator just tosses him into the air and the next panel it looks like Lobo is about to hit the sun and then the next panel Lobo is saying, "Frag it all." But Lobo's hair and face aren't on fire in the third panel so maybe that panel is just Lobo about to leave the Earth's atmosphere as he realizes what's going to happen in about, um, two years maybe?

I just decided that I don't give a fuck about this movie. Unless, of course, the Mercedes is acknowledged as an actual member of the League.

I hope Volkswagen gets to be a member of the X-men next year.

Later, when Devastator is telling Lois the story about how he killed Superman on Earth-Negative-One, Tony S. Daniel gives us another double-page spread. This one has far less snow in it. But it has a lot of dust! That's practically snow. So if any of you snow lovers couldn't pick up the original art of the first page, I'm sure the dust on this page looks just like snow in pencil!

You know the rest of the story even if you haven't read this one. Or any of the tie-ins since the story is so basic. Batman decided to ignore his no killing rule and everything went to hell. I guess this one is a bit different in that Superman is the one who stopped being sane. But Batman still kills in it!

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1 Ranking: The premise of this issue is that everybody gets lazy because Superman promises to keep them safe. That's the usual complaint against Superman. People stop protecting themselves or their world because Superman is always there to save the day. This is the kind of extrapolation that relies on believing that everybody on this planet are pathetic, lazy idiots who need looking after. I resent it! Why can't we believe other people are strong and smart and...oh wait. I forgot Donald Trump was president of the United States. Never mind.

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1

Is that Deathstork's Godslayer sword?

On one hand, I should be thrilled to see Tomasi's name on one of these Batman the Adjective books, especially since the next one has both Tieri and Daniel's names on the cover. But I know Tomasi has a history of writing shit stories based on editorial edicts. I get how he wouldn't care about writing a story that isn't his own. I can see how writing a crap story based on an editor's crap ideas probably makes him feel good about sticking it to the man. Why can't they do like he did and stop editing to become a writer if they're so fucking great at coming up with stories?! My main problem with his rebellion is that the readers become collateral damage. Now I also have to read Tomasi's "just enough to cash a paycheck" story?! Well, I suppose it's better than being subjected to Batman the Merciless written and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

No fucking way. What am I saying?! I would love to mock that fucking book!

Batman the Merciless's origin story takes place on Earth-Negative-Twelve. According to the Multiversity Guidebook, Earth-12 (not Earth--12! (which also shouldn't be confused with Earth—12! (that's Earth with an em dash before the 12 if you couldn't figure out what makes it different from Earth-12!))) is where Batman Beyond takes place. It doesn't look like that's the case for Earth-Negative-Twelve. Although it's possible because what do I know about Batman Beyond except that it had so many recent terrible versions that I've grown to hate it more than I hate the regular DC Universe.

Some of you might be thinking, "How can you review DC Comics if you hate the DC Universe?" I'm much too polite to respond to that since my response would be "Fuck you! It's my choice to waste the precious moments in my finite life screaming and ranting like a lunatic because I wasted more money on total garbage!"

I mean, I kid, DC! I kid! Your universe is fantastic and imaginative! The people running DC must have a great imagination if they can somehow imagine Neal Adams is going to write and draw an entertaining take on Deadman. Did they read the last thing they let him write, The Coming of the Supermen? It was a total mess! It wasn't even sensical enough for me to use the term nonsensical! It was so far past nonsensical that anybody saying it had come back around to sensical are idiots because it was super nonsensical!

I kind of can't wait to read Neal Adams' Deadman now!

Before Wonder Batman came to Earth-Main-Earth, he was just plain old Batman battling Ares, the God of War. Everybody was dead except Batman and Ares. And since Ares was still one of the last two people left alive, it meant the two couldn't live in peace.

I suppose we should all be tolerant of cowboys but can't you at least make them wear the proper uniform for their current job?

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1 Rating: Apparently I didn't have anything more to say about this story because I've just finished reading it. It was just like all the rest! Batman on a Negative Earth decided to drop his rule against killing and becomes a self-deluded monster. Then BatJoker convinces him to travel to Earth-Main-Earth where he can continue to act like an asshole. While the dialogue and characters were better written than in the previous Dark Nights tie-ins, the story was just as bland. I couldn't even figure out what bad thought of Batman's created this Negative World. It couldn't have been when he decides to wear Ares' helmet to save the world because that's exactly something Batman would do without a second thought. Maybe it was when he killed Wonder Woman after putting on the helmet. That's not a great thought, right? I suppose Batman was at a buffet somewhere and Wonder Woman took the last cup of pudding with Vanilla Wafers and he thought, just for a brief second, about killing her for it. That's when Earth-Negative-Twelve came into existence!

Team Titans #11

Imagine claiming your comic book wedding was the biggest wedding in the same century that included Diana and Charles' wedding.

To be fair, I didn't give a shit about Di's wedding and I did purchase New Titans #100. I just realize that I'm in no way the barometer of wedding interests.

In 2017, a flashback to 2001 makes sense. But I read this in 1993!

I've now reread that first page four times and I'm wondering how I can go back in time to punch my younger self in the nose for purchasing Team Titans #12. I wouldn't even stop him! I'd just give him a good jab and steal his money, the asshole.

Time travel being what it is, maybe I did do that! I mean I will have done that and it already has happened to me. I don't remember getting punched in the face sometime around when I purchased this comic book but I could have blacked out and forgotten the incident. The idea that time travel might be invented and I'll get to do this has finally given me something to look forward to!

If I were to rewrite this page, it would begin with that first guy reporting the news. But then the old guy who responds would say, "Well, we're still here so I guess they didn't succeed in changing this timeline. Don't worry about it." Then the next scene would be the pudgy white guy sexually harassing the female because even in 1993 we knew that nothing would ever change. Then the guy with the mustache would jerk off into his own mouth and DC Comics would have fired me. I would have been confused because can't straight white men do anything they want?! Stupid political correctness!

Of course the bald guy's response to the trooper and the flashback to 2001 aren't the only things wrong with this first page. The fact that the woman pipes up to offer non-pertinent information to what's going in continues the absurdity. Why would she mention Redwing by name? It's not like the trooper on camera said, "Redwing's Team Titans team went back in time to shit all over our glorious future!" Who cares who designed the equipment used by the Meta(l)gene Hunters? It's irrelevant and adds nothing to the discussion! And then the main guy responds as if her comment is pure poetry! "Oh yes! The Titans will be destroyed by equipment created by the father of one of the Titans! Is that irony? Yes? No? Discuss!" It's as if he wouldn't be certain to let loose the Meta(l)gene Hunters unless their was a dramatic narrative element to it! Hmm, maybe I shouldn't be complaining. Maybe I should be praising him for his superb villainy!

On the next page when the story returns to the present, the Narration Box says, "Flashforward: the present!" It doesn't make any sense! I mean, it does, in terms of narrative continuity. Marv Wolfman wants everybody to know that the moment that happened in the future actually happened before the moment that's taking place in the present. I mean, it didn't. But he needs to string together events in a linear way that doesn't actually work when you're telling a time travel story. But we get the idea! I think. I'm confused.

Team Titans #11 Rating: Five stars from the future out of one star from the past. Unless I have that backwards. Anyway, not much happens other than that Meta(l)gene Hunter arrives to hassle some Team Titan named Sunburst and Metallik. The subplot involves Battalion stalking the woman who was his wife in his actual timeline. He seems to think it's fair to her to upend her entire life because she resembles the person from his past he once truly loved. I suppose he has to make the attempt because True Love is always more important than not terrorizing the woman you're truly in love with.

New Titans #100

Surprise! The person behind the Darkening was Raven all along! We were all fooled by her bones on Azarath!

In the caption, I've gone with the colloquial usage of "all" which is known to mean "nobody at all." Let's try to forget how the first seventy issues of this series had the Titans battling family members instead of actually doing heroic things and let's look at the last twenty five issues. Surely somebody at DC realized that the Titans weren't so much a superhero group as a dramatic bunch of youths turning family problems into public battles that caused tons of property damage and thousands of injuries (and probably deaths too!) and thought, "Maybe we should change the direction of this comic book so that it looks like these 'heroes' are actually heroic." At that point, somebody came up with the genius idea of having the villain actually be one of the Titans! So now the Titans weren't just fighting family members and being a nuisance to New York (making Councilwoman Alderman a hero in her fight to get the Titans out of New York rather than the villain Marv Wolfman desperately tried to convince the readers she was); now they were actually fighting each other! It might have made for a great twist ending (that's the colloquial usage of "great." It's basically the same as the colloquial version of "all") but it didn't help the Titans reputation as superheroes who actually helped more than they harmed regular people just trying not to be crushed by falling skyscraper debris. After that, the Titans went back to fighting family members as they fought Donna's baby from the future. But now we're back to the Titans battling themselves as Raven has been going around raping people for fun and, um, maybe profit? At least the Team Titans actually took the time to destroy a nest of faux vampires that were murdering people in New York City while they dealt with their internal drama.

I've said this before about the Teen Titans but it bears repeating over and over and over again, seeing as how this series actually made it past Issue #100: the Teen Titans are not the X-men. Obviously that was the model Wolfman was using to try to replicate the X-men's success at DC Comics. But the X-men would actually work fine if they used the same plots used in this run of Wolfman's Titans because the X-men weren't specifically brought together to create a heroic team out to help the world. They were just kids in a boarding school! Plus Xavier had the foresight to place the school out in upstate New York instead of downtown Manhattan. I think. Anyway, you could make stories work where family members were attacking the school to get even at their kids or siblings or parents from the past in the present because the kids at the school weren't meant to be saving regular people lives. I'm not making a great distinction between Xavier's school and the actual X-men team because I don't think that delineation was all that sharp anyway. Besides, the X-men can't be blamed for bringing together a group of heroes to simply defend themselves and other mutants whereas the Titans portray themselves as a youthful Justice League but then only ever deal with their own shit. The premise of this title was broken from the start.

Not that that hurt the book, of course! I'm complaining about how terrible every issue of this thing was and yet I still bought every issue up through about #120 or so! I was lulled into complacency by this comic book for ten years! I don't think young me was as smart as young me thought he was, the big dumb-dumb!

This final chapter of The Darkening is called "Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something . . . DEAD". There's no ending punctuation on the title. I should probably Sharpie in an exclamation point.

Why would you need a blood test to get married? To find out if the woman is pregnant so you can judge the couple? To make sure the husband isn't riddled with STDs? Oh! I should ask Lord Google!

So I guess the blood test was to reveal which member of the loving couple was a total skank whore! I mean, you know, for medical reasons so the STD could be cleared up before the honeymoon and not to totally drive a wedge between the two by making one member of the loving couple bitter and resentful that they didn't also live an awesome previous life riddle with sexually diseased partners!

I guess there's also some commentary about mixed marriages or something on that page. Now it would be commentary on gay marriage. Look how far America has come into the 21st Century! We've partially opened the door to matrimony for a few more select groups! Way to go!

Bruce saw how clean your blood test was and was ashamed.

Dick Grayson: "Hey Alfred! I'm getting married! Did Bruce get the invite?"
Alfred: "I'm sorry, Master Grayson, but he won't be able to make it."
Dick Grayson: "What?! That selfish bastard! He never cares about my feelings! He was the worst father ever!"
Alfred: "He's currently in a coma with a broken back. So, you know, thanks for not answering our calls for help when all the inmates in Arkham escaped and Bane destroyed your dad's dreams of always knowing when he's pooped."
Dick Grayson: "Oh. Yeah, um. Well. I was busy with Titans' business! We've been really busy! Titaning and stuff! Anyway, will you be here? And Jason? Err, I mean Tim?"

Anyway, the wedding winds up being a beautiful, romantic experience.

Oh, except for this part, I guess. I don't think the officiant usually explodes in a ball of flame at the conclusion of the vows.

At the point where the officiant blows up, the wedding sort of goes off the rails. Raven, Deathwing, and the Team Titans Judge and Jury attack. Everybody but Raven is defeated and you'll probably be surprised by what happens next if you haven't been paying attention to one of Marv Wolfman's favorite plot points.

Raven rapes and seemingly impregnates Kory at her wedding while everybody watches in horror. Well, everybody except Tim who watches in both horror and intrigue.

I don't know how much you can blame Raven for all the raping she's been doing lately. She was raised by Trigon who basically spends his time raping his way across the universe. She's just living the only way she knows how!

That's basically the end of the issue. Starfire is hauled off to STAR Labs to be studied. I mean cared for. And Roy Harper is told by his bosses at Checkmate that he needs to become leader of the Titans. I'm not sure if the marriage was legalized or not because the officiant never finished saying "I now pronounce you man and wife." I think that part is just show anyway. Once you sign the licenses and the witnesses sign "Ben Dover" to the certificate, the other shit is just pomp and circus stances.

New Titans #100: One inappropriate pin-up at the end of a comic book where the bride is raped out of one inappropriate pin-up at the end of a comic book where the bride is raped.

Why is Starfire ripping her bathing suit apart?!

Team Titans #10

Face/Off is one of only two movies I've fallen asleep to in public. It made it super confusing after I woke up.

The reason I had fallen asleep during Face/Off is that I had been drinking previously. The other movie I fell asleep during was The Last of the Mohicans. I fell asleep during that because I had spent the night previously trying to sleep in some ivy outside a lawyer's office in the rain in Sacramento, California. It did not involve drinking.

Why does the movie Face/Off have that slash in it? It wasn't about computer programming, was it? I only know it has the slash because I just looked it up to see what year it came out. IMDB credits Travolta as playing "Sean Archer / Castor Troy" and Cage as playing "Castor Troy / Sean Archer". Do you think the actors thought of this movie as testing the limits of their acting ability? Or did the producers pick Cage and Travolta because they act exactly the same way and realized this character switch wouldn't cause either of them any problems?

By the way, Battalion is still a terrible character. I wonder why DC Comics didn't bring back Twat Battalion in The New 52?

Wrong.

Nightrider makes friends with a bunch of vampires who want to turn their food into more vampires. That seems like a bad way to avoid extinction. It also sounds weird. I've never eaten a ham and then thought, "I wish this ham could fuck me." I mean, sure, I could fuck the ham but that's normal behavior. Who would want the ham to become sentient so that it can seduce me? Perverts, that's who!

Back at Donna's, the rapist has been raped and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I mean, rape is bad, right? But The Bible is pretty much pro eye for an eye, rape for a rape. No wait. It's actually more lenient with rape than taking somebody's teeth or eyes. The Bible is eye for an eye, a rape for a marriage and compensation to keep everybody other than the victim from being harmed and disgraced by the foul deed of the rapist. I don't think I should say that that sounds reasonable but it is The Bible. I've heard that it's the rule book for living! And that must be true because I've never taken its advice and my life is a mess!

Charlie reacts to Mirage being raped as if somebody had scratched his Ferrari.

That's a feminist joke about how men only care about sexual abuse when it's centered at women they've objectified with their man-feelings and not a joke about how rape is equal to scratching the paint on a car. So stop being angry at me and realize I've made a valid point. Also maybe go watch Boxing Helena.

Also maybe it's not so much a joke as a scathing bit of social commentary! Maybe all of my commentary is scathing bits of social commentary since it rarely makes people laugh. I should stop thinking of this as a comedy blog and thinking of it as a serious blog attempting to cure the ills of society! That would certainly make me feel better when I get anonymous comments telling me I'm not funny. I can just reply, "I wasn't trying to be funny! This is serious shit!"

On a side note, how big do you think Deathwing's penis is if it may have caused internal damages? I know they mentioned he was ruthless and brutal in his sexual attack of Mirage but can a guy with a three inch penis cause internal damages just because he's being brutal? Remember when considering this question that this is a serious blog now!

Meanwhile Judge and Jury take a field trip to New York to meet the mysterious person behind The Darkening!

Here's some advice, Judge and Jury: to disguise yourself, you can just take off your costume instead of putting another costume on top of your Team Titans costume.

For those who don't know Judge and Jury, they're a nihilistic Titans team from the future and not a vaudeville act.

If you've been reading this series and you've seen Mirage rape Dick and Evil Raven rape Councilwoman Alderman and Deathwing rape Mirage and you've found yourself thinking, "I haven't gotten enough rape yet," well good news! Evil Raven rapes each of the members of Judge and Jury one by one while the others watch and Deathwing jerks off! It might not be physical rape but it's hard to tell since it all takes place cloaked in her olive green robe. It might just be psychological rape. But, if we're being serious (and we totally are now!), there isn't a lot of difference between physical rape and psychological rape. Some people might want to argue that one is worse than the other but those people are probably victims of one or the other and want to feel like a bigger martyr. Did that sound insensitive to an imaginary group making an imaginary argument that I just made up? Well, so be it! I stand by my imagination!

So the Team Titans came back to Donna's place to get help to fight the vampires but they're momentarily distracted by the rape of Mirage. After being compassionate and making sure to tell her multiple times that it wasn't her fault, they remember that Battalion might be dead. They raid Battalion's stash of weapons and head back to New York.

Count me in!

Kole arrives from wherever Kole has been (the storage room for boring comic book characters?) to free Battalion just as the other Team Titans arrive. They wade in slaughtering the vampires. I think that's okay because vampires are monsters. Or maybe because they're already technically dead? Or maybe because it's easier than figuring out how to jail them after the battle is over? Anyway, it probably doesn't matter because the master vampire will almost certainly get away to haunt the Team Titans in fourteen months or so.

I suppose there are still some readers who, after reading the scene where Evil Raven rapes every member of Judge and Jury, are still thinking, "I don't know. This rapey comic book just doesn't have enough rape in it. Is it really worth the $1.75 cover price?" Well have I got a surprise for you!

Free bonus rape content!

As I guessed, the lead vampire gets away while Kole murders the rest of them by using her crystals to bend the sun's rays into pre-dawn New York City. Then she disappears leaving the Team Titans free to go find some of that sweet dick they were leaving for dessert.

Team Titans #10 Rating: I think part of the point of this comic book was to present a message that rape victims shouldn't blame themselves for being raped. Try to pretend, for just a second, that you have no knowledge of our current civilization. Now think you've just heard somebody say, "It's not your fault for being raped." How fucked up would you think that entire civilization was when that was a message that had to be reiterated time and time again? You would think, "No shit it's not the victim's fault! Why would you even need to say that?" And yet here we are living in a society where a guy writes a comic book that uses rape in so many plot points writing an issue reminding victims that rape isn't their fault! You would be floored to find out how much energy goes into convincing victims that it wasn't there fault. But then you'd see how people react to women telling their stories and you'd be all, "Oh shit. Okay. I see what's going on here. Holy fuck." Then you would get vocal and start telling people to believe the claims of victims! But then somebody would start shouting at you that people are innocent until proven guilty! And you'd be all, "Okay, granted, that's a thing but why are you instantly dismissing this person's claims?!" And then the person would be all, "Some people lie, you know!" And then you'd be all, "Yes, but the statistics don't match up anywhere near your argument! And besides, isn't that what the whole proving people innocent thing is you mentioned earlier?" And then they'd be all, "He said, she said!" And you'd be all, "Well, yeah, but she said he committed a major crime and he said he didn't do it. You know who else says they didn't do it? Everybody all the time!" And then they'd be all, "Yeah! Exactly! Like people who didn't do it!" And by then you'd be so tired of arguing that you'd just go to the victim and be all, "You know what? This isn't your fault."