Justice League Europe #40 (July 1992)

Why isn't Aquaman celebrating? Did he actually think he might get to lead the team?

This cover might be the only time in comic book history that a cover mentioned a character being "back" and not shown them standing with their back to the reader. Probably because Crimson Fox had to have line of sight to Hal's rear so she could make an "I wonder how deep I can get my tongue into that asshole" face.

This issue is called "The Coming of Chthon!" which answers the age old question: "Do Elder Gods have orgasms?"

Jesus Christ, just look at these assholes. Acting like they're running a daycare.

Now I see why Aquaman is so upset. He's one of the old school dudes from back in the day and these fucking jerks don't even acknowledge him. Look at me trying to empathize with fish boy! We all know why Batman didn't consider Aquaman as the new leader and Hal Jordan didn't go right up and shake his hand. He fucking smells like the ocean. The creep talks to fish. He rides a fucking seahorse! When you're a grown man dressing up in cosplay and wearing a mask in public, your dignity is already on pretty thin ice. If you acknowledge the weird fish guy in the room, the ice is gonna crack for sure! Bye bye, dignity! It was nice having some!

Batman leaves the League to Hal Jordan and jumps out the window. But Hal isn't ready to lead just yet. He points out that he just has to take care of Guy Gardner first. I guess this was a time in DC's history when Earth could only have one Green Lantern active according to the Guardians of the Universe's bylaws. Which seems silly seeing as how there are currently three Green Lanterns from Earth (not counting Alan Scott who isn't part of the Oan organization). Hal somehow thinks he's going to convince Guy Gardner, using words and logic, to give him back Sector 2814. Fuck me. Why do I know that number without having to look it up? I'm so disappointed with myself.

Poor Aquaman. Nobody even considered him for leader.

Imagine not asking the one natural born leader on the team to be the leader. It shows how much respect land dwellers have for ocean politics. Who cares what happens underwater?! To people on land, they just see the ocean as an off-shoot of their downstairs toilet.

The Flash grows angry because Doctor Light and Aquaman seem reticent to have Hal Jordan leading the team. Doctor Light prefers the intensity of Batman and Aquaman has probably seen Hal Jordan lose his temper over some stupid barroom bullshit one too many times to feel confident in Hal's abilities. Both will be proven right almost immediately as Hal Jordan will be destroying his beloved Coast City any day now.

The Flash and Elongated Man rush off to New York to help Hal Jordan talk Guy Gardner into giving up his job as Earth's one and only Green Lantern. I feel like they're going to need a lot more help for that job. Although Guy did recently just quit Justice League America. And he will lose his Green Lantern ring in just a few months. So I guess it'll all work out but probably in Guy Gardner Reborn or the pages of Green Lantern. The issue that is most pressing for Justice League Europe this month isn't Hal's conflict with Guy: it's Kara's Bossy-Bitch Personality! Don't worry, that's not me being sexist. That's all part of Gerard Jones' story arc about how hysterical women with lots of power can become huge jerks! It's a fucking plot point backed up by DC Universe scientists who have done research into why super powered women become hysterical!

Don't worry! The research showed it wasn't because power makes women irrational. It's because women drink diet soda (which makes them irrational)!

Interesting how Power Girl's "irrationality" is a problem to be solved but everybody just accepts Guy Gardner's. This team gossips and complains about Power Girl's mood swings more than anybody has ever complained about Guy Gardner's temper. Perhaps it's a good thing that Doctor Light treated it like a medical problem instead of just assuming "bitches be crazy." Because she has found a link between Kara's brain chemistry and chemicals she regularly ingests. It would do Guy Gardner good to have a teammate like Doctor Light! Instead of assuming Guy is just an asshole, she might do some research and discover how his traumatic brain injury causes him to easily fly into rages.

This is a good example of how sexism hurts men as well as women (but in greatly different ways). Everybody on the team simply accepting that Kara is an irrational bossy woman rather than thinking she has a mental health problem spurred on by chemical intake is sexism. Everybody on the team simply accepting that Guy Gardner is a toxic male asshole instead of seeing that he needs post-traumatic brain injury treatment is also sexism. Both Guy and Kara have been judged by superficial stereotypes instead of the context and experience of their individual lives. Doctor Light is the first person to even consider that something might be triggering Kara's mood swings. It is weird that the cause is diet soda though. I'd say it's a weird conspiracy theory which Gerard Jones believes in but I think he's just decided to end the whole "Power Girl drinks a ton of diet soda!" background joke. Also Gerard Jones was convicted of owning "tens of thousands of images" of child sexual abuse (according to his Wiki). I just point that out because, I don't know, does he have a problem with adult women that leaks into his writing?

Doctor Light and Power Girl get into a discussion of sexism which Crimson Fox interrupts to be sexist. To her, women's power lies in their body and sexuality. To Doctor Light, women can only show their power by presenting as non-gendered. Power Girl, as confused about her background as every DC reader, isn't sure where women get their power.

Judging by every shot of one of their backsides, I'd say female power comes from not being bothered by extreme wedgies.

I just want to point out that I don't think Crimson Fox using sex for power is sexist. I think her expanding that idea to all women and how all women should use that power is sexist. True feminism (and masculinism?) only exists when we see every individual as an individual and not as a representation of everybody who shares their gender. This should be what true equality across all spectrums of humanity should strive for. We should all be appreciated and/or judged within the context of our own individual lives, without an assumption that we represent other people who share similar superficial qualities with us. As a start, every super hero should have to wear thong leotards. It's only fair.

Meanwhile, Metamorpho (who is not currently part of Justice League Europe) investigates some strange appearances of mythological creatures in Greece.

Dude drops a slick, casual Christian burn.

While laughing about how ignorant Christians are, Metamorpho and this Greek guy are attacked by Chthon, a massive Earth elemental and not the Marvel villain. He's super angry for some reason. The Hydra destroyed the church of Saint George for obvious reasons (I think they're obvious? He's the dragon killer, right?). Then Cerberus ate some goats because fuck goats, I guess? And now Chthon has decided to destroy ancient Greek ruins. Something has enraged a bunch of Greek myths enough to take form and destroy Greece. I suppose Justice League Europe will have to deal with this, being that Greece is in Europe.

Back in New York, Hal Jordan solves the Guy Gardner problem the way Hal solves all of his problems: with a left hook.

It looks like Hal killed him!

Poor Guy. Once more, getting his face punched in because nobody wants to take the time to understand what's wrong with his brain chemistry! I understand why Batman punched Guy: Batman punches everything. Oh, I guess I understand why Hal punched him too then! Hal always just punches the shit out of whatever he feels is in his way. But what I was going to say before truth butted in so matter-of-factly was this: Hal should understand Guy's mental state and probably brain damage better than anybody else. You would think he would care more for his comrades in rings. But no. Guy, as always, is just there to be punched. Hopefully he'll get more respect in his own series.

Now that half of the comic book has been spent on Green Lantern #25 supplementary material, the story suggested by the title can begin. Sue calls Max to call Blue Beetle's bug that Justice League Europe is needed back in Europe where they're supposed to be instead of hanging out cheering on Hal Jordan bullying Guy Gardner. They quickly return to fight figments of Hellenes' imaginations become real.

Oh, one other thing: Parliament agrees with me on how to appreciate what the League has done for them:

Right! If the Justice League causes the problem, the Justice League should not be celebrated for stopping it. And, as an extra bonus, they should be punished or fined for any damage caused.

Doctor Light, a member of the Justice League, failed to keep a dangerous piece of alien technology secure and it was used to cause havoc across London. They're at fault. Thank the gods who watched over old Londinium that Batman happened to be in town to come up with a plan (unlike Superman who happened to be on Almerac and failed to come up with any plan at all which is why they're all dying over in that comic book).

Some people don't like the modern perspective that super heroes aren't simply unimpeachable paragons of virtue and goodness. And I agree! But I don't think modern perspective is as much to blame as lazy writers. It's just easier to have The Joker return to battle Batman than to come up with a plot where The Joker's motivations don't include Batman and then have to write a way for Batman to find out. Usually Batman found out by all the dead people with smiling faces. But that was never great either because then readers have to ask, "Why does Batman keep letting this guy live?! At some point, isn't Batman responsible for all the dead Gothamites?" And while nobody wants to ask that question, as soon as you enter the modern era where lazy writers have The Joker murder half of Gotham every time he appears just to show how terrifying he is, readers can't help but to start giving Batman a little side-eye.

Meanwhile, Doctor Light fucks up rule #1 when being investigated: keep your fucking mouth shut.

Why is this so funny to me? I think it's all the yellow!

Hal and his gang return to find they're being evicted from the London Embassy. At the same time, they get the distress call from Rex. Sue thinks the group should hang around and move boxes into a U-Haul but Hal, being the new leader and averse to boring shit, decides the team should head to Greece to battle monsters. Whew. I'm glad I didn't pay $1.25 to read another issue where this fucking group moves headquarters.

Metamorpho tries to stop Chthon from destroying buildings based on Christian and classical culture but Chthon stops him by jerking him off.

If I were Metamorpho in this case, I wouldn't be saying, "Don't squeeze." I'd be saying, "Bite my nipple!"

Hal and the team arrive with three pages to spare. At first it seems like a Green Lantern is the only thing needed to stop this monster. But then Metamorpho, being an archaeologist and thus easily recognizing special magic, yells, "He's got the magic of the Earth! GL's power is no good against that!" When did Rex become an expert in both Earth magic and Green Lantern rings? Seems more like something a narrator should have told the reader.

Anyway, be here next time for "Ring a ding nothing!" or "Always Bet on Green! I mean the Earth green as in nature and not green as in the color of Green Lantern's light oh fuck forget it i hate myself

Justice League Europe #40 Rating: C. What a weird issue. The team loses their headquarters, Hal defeats Guy Gardner for the position of Earth Green Lantern but only in another comic book, and then the Justice League flies off to actually defeat some trouble in Europe. But with only a few pages left, not much can happen. So what Gerard Jones chooses to highlight is how even though Green Lantern utilizes the most powerful weapon in the universe, he sometimes can't do the job all by himself. That's lucky because this is a team comic book! The reader doesn't want to see Hal defeat every antagonist while Elongated Man fluffs him from the sidelines (with his long stretchy arm (or lips?)) and The Flash cheers him on and Power Girl, Doctor Light, and Crimson Fox discuss toppling the Patriarchy. No wait. I do want to read that comic book! But I feel like I'm forgetting somebody. I also feel like if I remembered that somebody, I'd be less interested in reading the comic book I described!

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Justice League America #64 (July 1992)

Judging by the robot, this is a revamped Brainiac story.

Since Superman recently defeated Brainiac (who had recently destroyed Almerac so why would they need to fight him on Almerac now?) in the "Panic in the Sky" story arc, Dan Jurgens couldn't use him again so soon (and in roughly the same story). But most stories in comic books are pretty much the same anyway, so why not just dig up an old character that nobody remembers, give him a giant robot similar to Brainiac, and just re-use the same story? Brainiac took over Almerac with WarWorld. Now Starbreaker ("Who?" you say. "I know, right?!" I reply) has taken over with the help of his giant Brainiac robot. But I'm sure everything is totally different because this time Dan Jurgens is writing the story instead of Roger Stern, Jerry Ordway, Louise Simonson, and, oh, um, Dan Jurgens. Never mind.

This issue begins with Starbreaker, having just violently taken over Almerac and noticing the Justice League has arrived, innocently wondering why they're come.

I want better thought out and designed speech bubbles.

As you can see, Starbreaker is a space vampire elf. He's also a delusional narcissist if he can't figure out why the Justice League has arrived on Almerac at this precise moment. Does he think it was a coincidence? If I were a space vampire elf who has a past history of violence against the Justice League, I probably wouldn't confront them while cradling a dead woman in my arms. But then I'm not being written by Dan Jurgens or anybody else. At least I don't think I am. If I am being written by somebody, they're a fucking lazy writer because the amount of conflict I've had in my story after 52 years on Earth is, frankly, depressing. Although they could be writing one of those Jacob's Ladder type stories and everything after my 26th year has just been a fantasy as I lie freezing to death in my broken down Volkswagen bus on the continental divide of the Rocky Mountains. It would actually be more believable than how I got my bus started again by pushing it in a tight circle with one foot from the driver's side door and then jumping in to try to pop the clutch and get it started. The fact that actually worked seems less likely than the last half of my life being a death dream.

This issue is called "The Revenge of Starbreaker" which makes me sad. Because that means Starbreaker's villainous motivations were inspired by getting back at the Justice League after they defeated him in the early '70s. Why weren't more of DC's editors on the watch for stories where the villains are just trying to get back at the heroes? It's such an incestuous relationship between good and bad guys that stands apart from the world and the people in it. Who needs heroes if they're only defending themselves? Why don't they all just go live on the moon? It's like if bank robbers were all, "We should stop doing the thing we do to make easy money and make our life way harder by attacking police stations because they keep trying to stop us robbing banks."

I don't believe Superman even remembers Starbreaker let alone knew he was behind this when there was no evidence at all.

Last issue, Superman was told Maxima had returned to her planet and he was all, "Good riddance! I'm sick of Lois asking me if I've fucked her yet!" But then a few pages later, they found evidence that she returned because Almerac had been taken over in the wake of Brainiac's attack with WarWorld. Then Superman was all, "We have to go save Almerac from whoever did this!" When Starbreaker revealed himself, Superman was all, "Yeah, totally knew it was him for reasons." And Blue Beetle was all, "How the fuck did you know that?" And Superman was all, "Just smart is how. Duh." And Booster Gold was all, "But it makes no sense. How could you have known?!" And Superman probably said, "Well, you see, back in the '70s, when we first encountered Starbreaker, he had taken over a planet that had been nearly destroyed by Brainiac using WarWorld. And Dan Jurgens is writing this story, so it makes sense that it would basically be the same story."

That's not true about the original story from the '70s. I actually have no idea what that story was about. But it has to be how I wrote it because otherwise Superman has no other clues as to the identity of the conqueror of Almerac. It's also possible that I'm too stupid to have seen the clues that Superman saw in the message on the Almerac ship. Also Superman knows that Starbreaker is a planet vampire and feeds on dying planets so I guess that's a clue too! I should have more faith in Superman!

One last question before getting back to the big battle: why would a vampire that feeds on the energy of planets and negative emotions need sharp teeth?

Every time I've posed like Starbreaker here, it's because I was coming on somebody.

Bloodwynd uses his ability to contact the dead (and not mental telepathy) to read Starbreaker's mind and discover that he is an energy vampire who feeds on the fear of a planet he conquers. He then throws the planet into the sun and feeds off the cosmic energies created by the destruction of the planet. Bloodwynd sums up his oral report on Starbreaker by saying, "He is, in effect, a cosmic vampire feeding off the energies of others." Weird coincidence that a cosmic vampire would look almost identical to Dracula. It's the only reason I called him a vampire after seeing him on the first page!

Superman, like Batman over in Justice League Europe, tells everybody that they need to make a plan. What is it with these old timers and their love of plans? Don't they know that their story arc will be shortened by at least two issues if they skip the part where the team all attack individually and fail? Only then do they realize they need to work together! Maybe even a plan won't work this time because Superman points out that Starbreaker, whom nobody has ever heard of, might be the most powerful bad guy in the universe. He says it right in front of Starbreaker too so that Starbreaker can fill in the holes of Superman's story. Maybe part of the plan is buttering up Starbreaker so he becomes overconfident? I think the main part of the plan is forgetting about Maxima's corpse which Starbreaker dropped behind a rock during the initial confrontation. She's probably not dead after editorial saw Jurgens' first finished pages and were all, "She's not dead, is she? We can't have the bad guy tossing around a woman's corpse for four pages." And then Dan Jurgens was all, "Oh, what? Of course she's not dead! Why would I draw her so, um, sexily if she were dead? Ha ha. Ha."

Wait. Is attacking Starbreaker without having a plan after saying you need a plan part of the plan?

Starbreaker traps Booster Gold in a force field force field and then blasts Superman with the force of a nova. After witnessing that kind of power, Blue Beetle tries to kick him. Needless to say, the Justice League lose the fight in just a few pages. They lost because they didn't have a plan! Superman said they needed a plan and then they didn't make a plan! I'll assume they just didn't have time at this juncture. But once Starbreaker leaves them for dead to finish his preparations for the planet's sun dive (is Starbreaker just a roadie for Disaster Area?), they'll probably have time for the plan. I'm still assuming Maxima will save the day which will convince Superman that she can be a legitimate part of the team.

Starbreaker doesn't give the Justice League time to plan because he takes them as his prisoners. He has a huge robot army of creatures he calls Mechanix (because they're mechanical and, like all would-be authoritarians, he thinks the "x" makes it look cool). They carry the Justice League through Almerac's capitol city so the people will fear him even more and lose all hope. Then he feeds on all that despair so he can be powerful enough to shift the planet. Meanwhile, Maxima, forgotten, stands up and walks off to save the day because she still needs to fuck Superman.

I'm going to ignore "Starboner" for the moment because, um, what about Beetle's closet?


This is what Fire is seeing. Did Booster make an autoerotic asphyxiation joke?

I know Booster didn't. But the joke seems particularly distasteful when he and Fire are looking upon such scenes of devastation. Just imagine a CNN reporter saying, "You should see the inside of my closet," after playing images of what Israel has done to Gaza. I say "just imagine" because you pretty much have to imagine CNN showing and discussing the war crimes and atrocity being committed by Israel. And I didn't say "Fox News" because who has to imagine that? Those people live the term "heartless."

Starbreaker begins his plan. He splits into three separate versions of himself. Each one takes a couple of Justice Leaguers to a specific point on the planet where he can drain their energies and move the planet toward the sun. One takes Bloodwynd and Blue Beetle to the north pole. That Starbreaker is the first person to realize just how powerful Bloodwynd is but he doesn't reveal his real identity. One Starbreaker takes Fire and Booster Gold to the equator. The final Starbreaker takes Superman and Ice to some other important point on the globe. I don't know what that point would be and neither does Dan Jurgens so it's just described as a major fault line. I guess cracking that fault will get the planet moving and then the other Starbreaker's will use their powers like jet engines.

Maxima has been found by the people of her planet and taken to be stoned to death because she left them to die. Almerac, nearly torn asunder by Starbreaker's actions, begins to slip from its orbit and drift toward the sun. And finally, Superman is tossed into a fissure and into pure magma. That part Starbreaker does just for shits and giggles. It'll probably be his downfall for some reason like "the heart of Almerac has the same life giving properties of a yellow sun" or something.

Anyway, it's too bad the Justice League didn't make a plan!

Justice League America #64 Rating: B+. This issue would have gotten an A if Superman hadn't mentioned they need a plan and then never tried to develop a plan. Sure, Superman was right! They definitely needed a plan! They were utterly defeated due to not having a plan. But if Superman wouldn't have revealed this, I wouldn't have cared! I would have just read the issue and maybe thought, "Boy, they could have used a plan! Too bad nobody thought of that! Too bad no super team ever thinks of that until the second half of the story arc!" But Superman did think of it! I guess they were just too rushed to come up with one. Superman, being a man of action (hence the name of one of the books he stars in monthly), he thought, "We need to act now! Even though we could really use a plan." Whereas in Justice League Europe, Batman was all, "We need a plan! And I will let Deconstructo devastate London until I come up with one!" That's why his monthly comic book is named the way it is! Also, Batman waiting for a plan worked so much better than Superman deciding they didn't have time for one. But that's why everybody knows Batman, ultimately, can defeat Superman!

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Justice League Europe #39 (June 1992)

People in the 1600s discovering the Mandela Effect: "Zounds, I swear 'twere 'I knew him well'!"

Deconstructo continues to be a pain in the ass to the wrong super hero team this month. He really should have consulted with the Guild of Super Villains to get his assignment correct. He's much more suited to battling the Doom Patrol. Maybe. That's just my take and I could be completely wrong. A Grant Morrison Doom Patrol antagonist would probably have less understandable dialogue than Deconstructo. But I'd pretend to understand it because I wouldn't want other people to think I'm stupid. Whereas with a Gerard Jones weirdo, I can criticize his character as much as I want. Nobody's going to come to the defense of a convicted sex pest! Well, at least nobody with whom I'd want to engage in a debate! I'm sure there are forums full of Comicsgate weirdos all over the Internet lining up to defend Gerard Jones.

This issue begins with Kara not looking too good.

The Flash is yelling at Kara's body because he only recognizes her by her tits.

The Flash rushes into battle Deconstructo without waiting for a plan while Batman stands back like Willy Wonka going, "No. Wait. Stop." Deconstructo opens a hole in space/time under The Flash who falls into it and out of the sky, barely catching one of the hands of Big Ben to save himself from plummeting to his death. He then sits on Big Ben's face (hee hee) cradling his head and muttering, "This is not happening. This is not happening." That's two members of the League down! This Deconstructo might become a major Justice League nemesis. Choosing a name that ends in "o" was a smart choice.

Oh yeah. That makes sense.

See?! If Grant Morrison had written that, I would have to pretend I know what he means. But since Gerard Jones wrote it, I can be all sarcastic and act like it's complete nonsense. But then Deconstructo keeps saying he's turning sense into nonsense so, in a way, his nonsense makes complete sense. Which isn't what he would want! So, it probably doesn't make any sense at all. Which makes sense. You know what? We'll just move on since I'm stuck in a paradoxical loop.

Deconstructo babbles for a few more panels before turning himself into a flag and laughing. Aquaman turns to everybody and just goes, "Let's go," and they all begin to walk away. That might be the smartest suggestion Aquaman has ever made! If Deconstructo isn't being observed, does he even exist as an observable phenomenon?! What is nonsense if nobody is around to try to make sense of it? Too bad the citizens of London don't take Aquaman's advice and continue to observe the madness.

Suella Braverman trying to get her hands on Deconstructo's wand right now.

Back at the embassy, the team determine Kara must still be alive as her decapitation is some kind of illusion. They note that nothing Deconstructo changes ever really becomes damaged. And then Batman explains to everybody Deconstructo's artistic manifesto. It's all derivative of some Dutch artist named Paul de Man and the philosophical ideas of Michel Foucault. The Justice League doesn't understand any of it and simply wait for Batman to tell them what to do about it.

Pictured: me trying to understand Paul de Man's Wikipedia page.

Crimson Fox becomes really agitated by Batman's description because she, being a very passionate and physical French mademoiselle, has become absolutely exhausted by male French existentialists and nihilists. "Enough wiss all ze 'nothing means anyzing' nonsense! Just lick my butthole immédiatement!" I hope Crimson Fox comes up with the plan that defeats Deconstructo and I double hope that it's the same butthole licking plan that I pretended she came up with!

I think I realized my problem with Deconstructo versus any of Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol enemies. Deconstructo doesn't have a unique voice or a motivation based within himself. He's gotten all of his ideas, beliefs, and machinations from outside sources. He is — forgive my global Hipster lingua franca — inauthentic. Batman's example of Deconstructo's big performance art moment (before he was Deconstructo and was boring old Archie Tipple) was dropping plastic whales on a restaurant, an idea he got from Michel Foucault's claim that "a menu carries as much weight as Moby Dick." Grant Morrison's villains come from an intensely weird and unique space. It's possible Grant Morrison was inspired by something, as many people don't believe unique and original thoughts exist (I am not one of those people. Thoughts may reoccur but I absolutely believe people compose them from their own views and experiences and profound thinking about a subject, simply birthing a thought or idea that has already existed. That's different than "never having an original thought") but he's not simply repeating some theory or idea that somebody else already had. Morrison's Scissormen might be cutting up language and using it in seemingly incomprehensible ways (nonsense), exposing a problem with words and communication, just as Deconstructo tries to do. But the Scissormen are something entirely unique, odd, and upsetting. And they don't run around explaining their actions with some trite manifesto practically pre-formed by literary theorists before them. Arnold Tipple, aka Deconstructo, is just a boring, uninspired artist with no great ideas of his own and a magic phallus that does the art for him. He's a Twitter AI bro and a boring piece of shit.

Here's a panel of Batman looking shocked at how hot Sue Dibny is.

Doctor Light mentions that she was raised as a Buddhist and that reality is an illusion created by our horny thoughts which makes Batman say, "Yeah, I've done a butt-load of martial arts. I totally know what you're saying!" That might be true but it mostly just sounds like Batman making an excuse to go bust open Deconstructo's head. But in a totally Zen way. But he's been the restrained Batman throughout this story, so he can't just rush off hurling Batarangs at Deconstructo's eyes. Instead, he decides to listen to the team as they come up with an idea to combine mind, spirit, and physical power to create an unbeatable artistic crane kick to Deconstructo's face.

No wait. Sorry. He just comes up with the answer himself.

Batman's plan is to make Deconstructo doubt himself. As his confidence in his art falters, his ability to challenge an audience fails, and he'll do what all true artists eventually do: kill himself. No wait. That's fucking bleak. I don't think that's Batman's plan at all! I mean, the doubt and loss of confidence is. But I think they just want him to become impotent so he can't use his wand to alter reality any longer.

This is the entire plan. Have a hot woman tell Archie that he can't satisfy her.

That last caption may have sounded like I think the plan is simple and stupid. But I don't! This is a great fucking plan! Crimson Fox is all, "You do not know how to make me cum!" And Deconstructo is all, "Oh yeah? I'll make you cum with my big fat wand!" And then his big fat wand doesn't make Crimson Fox cum because Crimson Fox is actually being projected by Doctor Light from another location. She just yawns when he attempts to do anything to her. I think the second part of the plan is Crimson Fox opening the top drawer of the nightstand and pulling out her vibrator.

Usually this kind of sexy stuff is just me projecting my own horniness onto a comic book plot. But Gerard Jones states Batman's plan to call Deconstructo an impotent virgin pretty fucking plainly.

As they say, "It's not the size of the rocket; it's the millions of calculations done by dozens of the smartest people in the world working on trajectories, fuel consumption, and clitoral stimulation."

The Flash runs really fast with Aquaman on his back and then tosses him into Deconstructo's ankles to topple him. So a more terrible version of the Fastball Special. While Deconstructo is falling, Elongated Man grabs the wand and tosses it to Batman. Batman threatens to use it on Deconstucto but I don't think he actually uses it because London does not turn dark and scary and full of blimps and spotlights. But it does return to normal! Even Power Girl's head returns to her body! London is saved!

Sue points out that Batman led them all to victory and would make a great leader. Batman says, "I can never lead. I have been alone my whole life and must remain alone. Never mind when I led the Outsiders or other versions of the Justice League." But just as Batman declines, Hal Jordan walks into the place and is all, "I'll be your leader! At least until I destroy Coast City!" In other words, Justice League Europe is going to need a new leader very, very soon.

Justice League Europe #39 Rating: B. Was it sexist to make Crimson Fox's big heroic moment when she basically tells a guy he isn't man enough to satisfy her? If it was then I'm a sexist because I thoroughly enjoyed how they took down this idiot. Any man with too much power can be felled so easily because he thinks he's got a huge swinging dick that he can throw around will-he, nill-he. Any big dumb man can be felled by a woman simply puffing on a cigarette and slowly shaking her head no when he asks, "Was it good for you?" And this guy is a sensitive artist! I think maybe Batman's plan was the plan I indicated later but the reader just never has to find out that Archie was later found swinging from a knotted sheet in his cell. And even if we did find this out, Batman would be all, "But I didn't technically kill him! My hands are still clean!"

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Justice League America #63 (June 1992)

The only thing shocking about this declaration is that it took 63 issues for Guy to make it.

Forget that caption. I'm fairly certain Guy has either quit or threatened to quit multiple times across this series. The real shocking thing will be if he means it this time. And I'm assuming he does mean it because it's just about time for Guy to become Warrior! That's just Guy Gardner but with a Sinestro ring and a stupid superhero name. Mostly he still does all the same shit. You might also notice Fire has a new costume. That's me disappointed. I loved her '80s style outfit with the jacket, bra top, jeans, boots, and headband. I think my love for that outfit has something to do with my first concert going experience being Bon Jovi.

The issue begins with one final look at Fire's old '80s style.

It's right there behind Booster Gold's seriously '80s hair.

I'm not sure why Blue Beetle is hanging from the roof upside down. Dan Jurgens knew he wasn't Spider-man, right? Pretty sure Blue Beetle's entry in Who's Who doesn't read, "No super powers. Hangs from the roof like a monkey anyway. Spider-man if Spider-man were the character Spider-man was almost certainly based on and stolen by Ditko and Lee."

Seeing Booster's mullet, I just remembered one of the main reasons I think Dan Jurgens is stuck making '80s era art (right after "always writes typical '80s action plots") is his penchant for putting mullets on his characters. Not that I'm entirely convinced Booster has a mullet; it's more of a lovely lad locks look, long and flowing all over the place. But it reminded me of Jurgens' Superman.

Max Lord has leased out a huge and expensive piece of New York property from the United Nations to act as the new Justice League Headquarters. The cave was free but not American enough. Plus it was a cave. People who do terrible things live in caves, like hermits, terrorists, and Gail Simone. Super heroes need a luxurious space that blatantly displays their wealth which acts as a metaphor for their power, cup size, and dick girth. Max got a really good deal on the property though: he promised the League would provide security for the United Nations and, in return, the League only has to cover the exorbitant rent on the place. It might sound like a bad deal to somebody who isn't writing super hero comic books but to somebody who is writing super hero comic books, it's a perfect way for the Justice League to discover villainous plots without resorting to overhearing a nearby television blaring a breaking news segment. Now the doorman can just say, "I have a message from the United Nations. France is on fire. Again." Then he winks at Judd Winick.

Wait? The United Nations is paying for it? Then why did Max say this earlier:


Was Max just referencing the cost of utilities and toilet paper?

Whatever the deal might be, it looks like the Justice League are working with the United Nations again. Sure they unceremoniously dumped them only a few issues ago after forcing them to work with an ex-Nazi for a few issues (why didn't that plot go anywhere?!). But Dan Jurgens is writing the comic book now. He obviously saw the value in having some other organization take care of the team's money issues for no real explanation other than "The United Nations sees the benefits in working with the Justice League." My guess is that Maxwell Lord used his mind control powers on the United Nations' money guy to hand over a humongous blank check, cook the books, and wind up in prison for life. Try to remember that Maxwell Lord is a bad dude.

After everybody gets a tour of the place and Beetle sees that his Bug ship was redesigned to look like a frog and live in the East River, one of Maxima's personal guards crashes his ship on Earth to warn Maxima that Almerac has been conquered by some being whose name begins with "St". He died before saying more than that. But everybody can piece this puzzle together, can't they? Starro may have recently attacked the Justice League but that was a whole other team of writers! You can't expect Dan Jurgens to care about what happened recently in this book when he wasn't writing it. There aren't any other "conquerors" in the Who's Who with a name that starts like that, is there? Starman. Starfire. Star Rovers. Oh, maybe Star Sapphire!

Maxima decides she needs to head to Almerac to save her people and since this issue is called "Almerac or Bust," I'm guessing the others will wind up going too. It feels like I'm reading The New Titans again! Is this the only space story DC can tell? Hasn't Marvel also done this story before? An alien princess on Earth finds out she needs to go back home and save her people so that all the little readers can enjoy a nice space battle. Have they just been cribbing from Star Wars for the last fifteen years?

Weird that Dan Jurgens, lover of all things '80s, is the one write a story about Bea's style being terrible.

The writer of this article must be a hack or he's one of Bea's exes because how do you pick Fire as having the top nine worst costume problems when people like Aquaman and Robin and Green Arrow exist? And poor Red Tornado. It's like the writer just threw that "Fuck you!" in for extra. What the hell is wrong with Red Tornado's outfit? Unless he's talking about the original Red Tornado, that woman who wore a bucket on her head. That was pretty shit.

Ice's response to Fire asking her if she looks bad is "You have to admit that your costume isn't in quite the same spirit as what the boys wear." What the fuck kind of answer is that, Ice?! Sounds to me like Dan Jurgens hates drawing clothing and just wants to draw naked bodies painted in various colors (and missing the exciting bits, of course). That's probably why Guy isn't going to quit as well. Dan Jurgens doesn't want to draw that jacket every few panels.

"Maybe add a few cookie jars?"

Like a parent coming home from a long space journey to arrest one of their children, Superman shows up with a warrant to apprehend Maxima. Apparently she killed somebody several months ago and if you've killed somebody, you can't be on the Justice League. Unless you're Wonder Woman whose warrior ethics are a bit old school. Or Aquaman who believes in an eye for an eye and also includes fish eyes in that equation. Or Batman because you've absolutely nailed the Trolley Problem and can convince anybody at anytime that you didn't kill the poor dead henchmen lying all over the Iceberg Casino. Also I think the definition of "killed somebody" is really just "killed a human being." That let's Green Lantern off the hook for all the alien genocides he's probably committed.

Maxima has left Earth so Superman decides to arrest the ship her bodyguard crashed in instead. His corpse should still be in it but I don't think they find that because that would be totally gross.

Oh no. They find it. Gross.

As you can see, Bloodwynd instantly shows his value to the team by suggesting they don't just look at the outside of the ship but investigate inside as well. Genius! It also looks like Bloodwynd uses his mystic powers to figure out how to turn on the communication device but really he just notices this is Martian tech and remembers how to operate it.

If I could make animated gifs, I'd make Bloodwynd wink in this panel. Although it would just look like he's blinking because he's only showing one eye.

The dead guy left a message for Maxima for just this situation where he wound up dead. He describes how Almerac has been taken over by some monster who has killed all of her loyal politicians. He expounds on the situation across eight bloated speech balloons before he finally gets around to telling everybody who the conqueror is. But that's just when the recording breaks down! So Dan Jurgens is one of those hack writers who believes withholding information makes the reader more interested in giving them information. This is stupid bullshit. You are allowed to reveal the antagonist in the middle of the comic book, Dan. You don't have to wait for either the last page of the current issue or the first page of the next issue. Perhaps editorial only likes villain reveals on the covers of comic books. So Dan was told to end this issue with Maxima confronting the bad guy and going, "It's you!" But since the panel will be drawn from the bad guy's perspective, the readers won't know who the villain is until the cover of the next issue. But I feel revealing the bad guy would get more people interested. Dan Jurgens should read more Stephen King (especially early Stephen King) where King begins novels like Carrie with "The day everybody died at prom and the entire town burned to death was the day Carrie finally got even." Or some shit like that.

Superman hears there's a planet in trouble and decides the Justice League needs to go save it. Lacking any kind of space travel, the team just gets into a Guy Gardner bubble and he warps them across space-time. But first Fire has to reveal her new terrible outfit.

How is that "Very nice"? It's just a fucking Jazzercise outfit without the leg warmers.

Maxima somehow beats the Justice League to Almerac even though she's traveling by lowly spaceship (not Lowly's Spaceship which would be a huge apple) and they're traveling by Green Lantern science magic! Maxima confronts the "conqueror" to discover that it's, um, I don't know. Eclipso?

Based on Maxima's royal guard's final words, maybe this is "St...st...st...Stygian Boy!"

Guy and Superman nearly come to blows because Superman wants Guy to listen to him and Guy doesn't want to listen to him at all. Especially since Ice keeps taking Superman's side. But then why shouldn't she? Guy has baggage in the form of brain damage and completely embracing his toxic masculinity. Superman has great pectorals and doesn't watch pornography and never yells at women. When Guy realizes nobody on the team will take his side (which basically amounts to "I won't work with Superman at all"), he quits the team and abandons them on Almerac. Poor Guy. He just wants to be loved unconditionally the way everybody loves Superman!

Before Superman's plan to do some simple reconnaissance can come together (the plan that drove off Guy. So he could have stayed and argued a bit more), the antagonist makes themselves known, cradling Maxima's corpse in his arms.

Star-what's-that-now? This guy wasn't even popular enough to make the Who's Who!

I'd like to apologize to Dan Jurgens for criticizing his choice to not reveal this guy's identity halfway through the comic book. He knew it would result in a massive shrug of reader shoulders when mentioned. He appeared in three issues of Justice League twenty years prior to this story arc. And yet Superman, before the reveal, is all, "I finally know who the conqueror is! All the clues have come together to reveal my enemy's identity!" The only problem with that speech is there were no clues and this guy is absolutely forgettable. I guess the clues were "conqueror of planets or maybe stars" and, well, that was it. That was the big clue. Superman didn't even get the one clue that might have helped which Maxima got from her dying guard: the bad guy's name began with "St".

Justice League America #63 Rating: B-. The question left to answer now is "Are the Justice League helping Earth (or the universe) or did they simply clean up one of their own problems?" It's a bit hard to answer in this context because Maxima is one of the team and Starbreaker has taken advantage of her leaving her world to take it over. I'm pretty sure when The Titans were helping Starfire make peace on Tamaran, I didn't cut them any slack for acting like super heroes. They were just cleaning up more family problems. In this context, though, I think I'll allow for the Justice League actually acting like super heroes. Maxima is barely part of their team anyway. And her planet, through no fault of the Justice League's actions, has been taken over by a no-name despot from the Justice League's past. Superman seems to hint at Starbreaker having some other motivations besides taking over Almerac. And if that's the case, I reserve the right to change the "Justice League Justice Tally." Because his ultimate goal might just be revenge on Superman! But for now, the Justice League are doing something heroic by saving the people of Almerac from a threat they did not cause. So good for them! Dan Jurgens' Justice League Justice Tally: 1 of 1 comics (they got a special pass for the first two issues, remember. I just wiped that slate clean. I don't know why I was in such a good mood last month).

Justice League Europe #38 (May 1992)

Some lazy editor forgot to inform Ron Randall that Nelson was missing his right arm.

Maybe I shouldn't immediately blame the artist or the editors for such a grave mistake, especially when they're American. Americans might think they're the greatest society on Earth but everybody else knows they're absolutely a bunch of ignorant hill folk with no curiosity for anything outside of their own underpants. Why should an American know how many body parts Admiral Nelson was missing or even that this statue is the statue of Nelson in Trafalgar Square? I'm not bragging about knowing this shit! For all you know (and quite rightly suspect (although you'd be wrong in this instance)), I merely looked it up online and then pretended that I knew it all along. I just expect higher than average accuracy about historical statues from a comic book that I had to pay one full dollar to own! I suppose the fault is on me seeing as how this mistake was right on the cover and I could have refused to purchase the magazine based on this error. But what did I know about British statues at 20 years old?! Especially the fully clothed ones?

That paragraph got away from me. What I was going to say was I shouldn't rush to blame the creators when it could be part of the plot that Nelson's statue suddenly has a right arm. Maybe that idiot Deconstructo made the mistake when bringing the statue to life? Or maybe he thought Nelson would murder heroes better if he had a complete set of arms and eyes and also a pretty healthy moose knuckle. Deconstructo does seem to be one of those artists who's too lazy to understand any art history and believes that anything they create should be of equal weight to any other art on the scene, no matter how lazy his work comes across.

Other mistakes on the cover: Doctor Light's skin tone; Aquaman's whole deal; calling this Justice League "the world's greatest heroes"; Batman with a look of worry on his face. Seriously. Who was editing this thing?

Sue last issue: "That's the leader we need!" Batman this issue: "We do nothing."

I don't want to point out that The Flash has a point and Power Girl has huge tits but what else am I supposed to write about? Batman's clear-headed methodology which doesn't take into account that dozens of people are currently being turned into Dadaist sculptures with possibly no way of returning them to normal? That waiting to see how this guy works might work to ultimately stop him but at what human cost? How Batman, by not immediately trying to stop this man, can, philosophically, be blamed for any deaths caused by Deconstructo but, by the same tool (philosophy!), Batman can deny that his hesitation was at fault, laying the blame for the rising death tally on the villain? Maybe Batman is so good at philosophy that he's constantly running the trolley problem in his head, every fucking second of every day, and so understands every action that will result in the least amount of deaths? And by understanding this, Batman is not getting anybody killed because, by his philosophical calculations, there is already a minimum death toll and Batman's job is to keep the death toll at that minimum by whatever actions he can. Meaning Batman only ever saves lives and never causes any deaths. The man is a fucking genius and Power Girl's tits are fucking huge.

Is this a musical episode?

Well there you have it. Batman is right again. If a PhD says it, it must be true. Also, if Doctor Light has a PhD, shouldn't she be referred to as Doctor Doctor Light?

Sue rushes out to inform everybody that Batman is their new leader, not giving a shit whether Batman wants the job or not. Batman, apparently not wanting the job, does that thing where he disappears without a trace. He actually did that in the panel I scanned above. That's him taking off. But nobody noticed because they were all arguing about how Flash might have a better argument in this instance than Batman. Flash, Power Girl, and The Elongated Man run off to defeat Deconstructo without learning anything about him or his powerful wand. Sue yells, "RALPH!", in a way that suggests Ralph is never getting anal again. But Doctor Light, being a rational doctor of, um, light, declares that maybe it's a good thing the impulsive ones rushed off. It give them time to do research. It also gives Crimson Fox time to fuck herself silly thinking about Batman.

I've mmmmed like this before and I know that what comes next is dirty and vile and takes place behind a locked door (although Crimson Fox is French so she probably does it in front of a window with the shutters thrown wide open).

Power Girl confronts Desctructo to discover that what he really wanted was to be in a Doom Patrol comic book. He doesn't express it so plainly but it does say a lot of meaningless things that almost seem to mean something due to being tangentially placed next to the other things. It's mostly dumb wordplay that ends with "Words are constructions and constructions can be demolished. I mean deconstructed! Take that!" Then a building (which is a "constructed" thing but also a word "constructed" to describe that thing) falls on top of Power Girl. Batman watches from afar and smiles.

Deconstructo sounding a bit like C.S. Lewis trying to prove the existence of God.

"All lines are a circle." No they aren't. That might sound like a childish argument but some statements don't deserve a well-thought-out rebuttal. You can prove this one yourself! Get a pencil. Draw a line. Is it a circle? No, it isn't, you daft motherfucker. Sorry, the "daft motherfucker" was for the people who answered "yes" to my question. The rest of you score an A+.

"All logic spirals back to its source." This probably deserves a bit more than "No it doesn't!" because it's a bit unclear. Does he mean all logic is dependent on the person communicating that logic, and thus all logic is full of agenda rather than a rational accounting of the issue? Or does he mean all logical statements about a source spiral back to simply a tautological statement of that initial source? I'm not totally sure what he's getting at here other than trying to claim all logic is circular because he needs to tie everything into the appearance of the Circle Line and why it obviously exists everywhere, whether or not people expected it to exist at this stop.

"All creation loops back to its creator." This seems like an odd statement for Deconstructo to profess. Shouldn't he be pointing out how the creator is not the center of the creation? Or how the creator's intent can't and shouldn't affect what the creation communicates to any individual experiencing it? Once again, this sounds like Deconstructo's main point is that all art has an agenda. He has decided you can't separate the creation from the creator, or the logic of the creation from its source (i.e. the creator). I'm not spending a lot of time rebutting these points because I don't think they're meant to make a whole lot of sense; they're just meant to seem like they make a whole lot of sense. "Look! The circle line! All lines are circles! Logic is circular! Creation and creator are entwined in a horny loop of existential symbiosis!"

"And if you try to break the circle? All the walls fall! Civilization shatters in a wall of plaster." Hmm. You know what? Maybe he's got a point! I was thinking of Deconstructo's argument in an artistic sense. But here he points out civilization will fall if the circle is broken so I think he's using "art" as a metaphor for the entire shebang. If Deconstructo has been talking about civilization as a whole from the start (which he may be and he may have explicitly stated it last issue but it's been a month or more since I read that issue), then I might start buying into some of this. If we take civilization as a building up of traditions which allowed mankind to grow in myriad ways, from agriculture and leisure and electronics and travel and science), we can see this as a line. A time line. The foundation of this time line remains the same (probably Greek and Roman and Christian beginnings), even to this day, especially when considering things from a "Western Civilization" point of view (which Deconstructo is, being of British descent. Obviously this argument of civilization would remain mostly the same from other cultural viewpoints except with a widely different foundation way back in time). There's no universal law that says our society has to be organized the way it currently is. But it all circles back to the beginning of the time line and the ethics, mores, and beliefs that were the early bricks of Western Civilization (oh, I bring up "Western Civilization" not just because Deconstructo is part of it but because he brings it up himself in a line or two. Maybe I should continue on after stating those lines?). If you try to separate our modern society from those beliefs and traditions, it will crumble like an ill-constructed wall of plaster. Fuck. I might be getting this guy's whole thing.

"The canon of Western Culture shoots itself." Wait what? He might have lost me again but let's pick it apart a bit. Say we break the line (which is a circle back to the beginning, remember. I totally get that now!) leading back to Christian beliefs, or Greek Mythology, or the Roman Empire. It would destroy most of the canon of Western Culture. Religious people sometimes wonder why I, an atheist, know The Bible so well. It's because you can't have a literature degree in the West without having to know a fuck-ton of shit about The Bible or Greek and Roman history. It's all in there as allusions and stolen phrases. You'll miss 80% of references without knowing the art and myth and belief of the people which we might consider the foundation of "Western Civilization." The canon would shoot itself. Because it no longer has any identity and has become depressed? Or does he just mean it will become nonsense to a society that has cut itself off from the history and art of the past?

"And history comes to an end!" Well, not exactly. Thing change, dude. I suppose this is a threat from a guy who thinks he's a nihilist but is just raving against the status quo which doesn't like his artwork. But saying "history comes to an end" if we stop putting so much importance on the foundations of the Western Cultural canon comes across a bit like a white supremacist argument. It sounds like every white guy I knew in college who ranted and raved about the importance of the Western Canon and how it was being diluted by adding things like Toni Morrison's Beloved or older texts from all across the globe. Anything that wasn't usually just a British or American white guy with a bunch of old Roman, Greek, and Nordic texts thrown in always felt like some kind of literary affirmative action to them. They might say things like this "History comes to an end!" statement when they should be realizing that history was being broadened with voices usually not heard.

At this point, it feels like Deconstructo is using this argument as a threat to disrupt the status quo. But does he see what he's saying as a good thing? Things fall apart, buddy. And in ways that aren't actual physical infrastructure, that's generally a good thing. Because the established ways, built on old foundations, have been built with a limited amount of people in mind. And society has a really hard time breaking things down all the way to rooting up the foundation. They just build upon broken old crumbling foundations and try to cram new additions and expansions onto a foundation that wasn't meant to hold it. I, for one, am all for tearing it all up and rebuilding from an entirely modern perspective. We can't go on just jury rigging our world to fix one problem at a time. Sometimes you just have to scrap the entire thing and try to rebuild.

Anyway, maybe that's not what he was saying. I just interpreted it all with my own biases and agendas. *shrug*

Oh shit. I see now. His entire problem is growing up working class British and having to rely on crappy British superheroes to escape.

I can't believe I thought there was more to this guy's anger! He's just upset over his childhood and wants everybody else to suffer. And he especially wants the American super heroes to suffer because he didn't get to read their exploits every week. Instead he was probably stuck reading Marvelman or Herbie or Bananaman. Although, let's face it, I think maybe Gerard Jones might be as ignorant about Britain as Ron Randall. Because if this guy hated his working class life and lost himself in comic books, wouldn't he be less artsy and more "I am the law!"?

Seriously though, this bit trying to explain Deconstructo's origin ruins it for me. I don't need to know the particulars of what created this pretentious gas bag who can't reconcile with his failure as an artist. Just let him keep spouting Ann Nocenti nonsense! I'm used to "deconstruction" being equated with Dadaism and nihilism and all the sins of the modern world. Plus I know Batman is probably going to knock his fucking block off soon and I'd rather not feel any sympathy for him because he had a rough childhood. Although this one memory he shares doesn't really change the guy being a jerk who can't deal with his flaws and shortcomings. It does just make him look like an even bigger jerk who didn't appreciate what his family did for him! So am I turned around on that bit? No, I still didn't want to know anything about him.

Oh shit. Wait a second. I think I'm beginning to like this jerk.

Man, if this guy would actually do something with his new power to make the world a better place rather than crying about not getting his art in some charity exhibit, maybe Batman wouldn't have to punch him in the jaw later. Sure, forcing the world to change to a world that you view as better by using your magic space wand is a bit of a dick fascist move that takes away the free will of billions of individuals. But maybe he could do something else. Like rain down pamphlets with good natured messages all over the world! Or, I don't know, make the Care Bears real. Put psilocybin in the aquifers? I'm not an idea man! I don't know how to magically make things better except to not, individually, make things worse.

Batman has noticed that the guy hasn't actually hurt anybody. He just seems to be doing gigantic art projects in the hope that he'll be noticed. He's simply looking for clout. But just like YouTube pranksters bothering people at the mall, he's got to be stopped by somebody. Deconstructo invites the Justice League to a huge battle in Trafalgar Square to finally determine if sense is greater than nonsense. Dammit. Now I want him to defeat the Justice League. I can't root for sense to win.

The fight on the cover takes place for a few pages as Kara ditches the team to go battle Deconstructo on her own. But this fight is more realistic because the statue is missing the right arm. And pretty soon it's missing the left arm too as Kara breaks it off. But then moments later, it has two new arms: Kara's! And Kara has two new half-arms! But she loses her head!

If Deconstructo's wand can remove somebody's head while keeping them alive, why did he ever even leave his bedroom?

Justice League Europe #38 Rating: B+. Deconstructo isn't the worst villain the Justice League has ever battled but he suffers from a lack of any real message. His main argument seems to be that words are made-up constructs and he thinks the rest of the world needs to be informed of this. And while he's right, it seems a little shallow to be all, "People made up words and the meaning of words and because of that, nothing is real!" But that's language, dude. He's like a toddler who finally understands what language is and then throws the biggest tantrum because it doesn't, I don't know, make him famous? If we didn't create words to describe things which cannot currently be seen by the person we're communicating with, we'd have created gestures (which, you know, we have done as well!). Or drawn symbols in the dirt. And none of those things would be the real things! And, yes, much of our words hold some form of inherent bias and can only truly be understood within the context of the words not used. Deconstructing language can be useful to ferret out bias and agenda within the speaker. Or to maybe get a sense of something being expressed that even the speaker doesn't consciously realize they're expressing. But do we tear down all communication because it's inherently flawed? Because we can never truly understand any other person, perhaps because our own ideas about the words being used by the other differ in some dramatic and personal way that the speaker can't begin to understand? Why am I even trying to understand Deconstructo's actual agenda? He's just pissed that his parents didn't give him everything he ever wanted and the charity event didn't want to use his super mind-blowing work of art. He really is just throwing a gigantic tantrum. But at least he wasn't targeting the Justice League specifically! So they're not to blame for his rampage! Except he did steal the wand from them. So, um, never mind. Just another story where the Justice League needs to save the world from a danger they created.

Justice League International Special #2: Featuring The Huntress (1991)

The Huntress wasn't even supposed to be here today.

Not only was The Huntress not meant to be at work on the day dozens of old fashioned gangsters attacked the Justice League, she wasn't meant to be on the team at all! Flipping Maxwell Lord used his psychic mind control powers to get her to join which I could describe as rape but nobody wants to hear me discuss rape! First and foremost, I'm too facetious to write about anything that other people hold as profane or sacred, like The Bible or The Koran or rape. Second and almost more foremost than the first, nobody wants to read any serious and intelligent essays on rape, especially from an emotionally immature male dufus. But still! We all know mind control is a rape metaphor so this entire book emits the grossest vibes possible. It could only be worse if it were written by Gerard Jones. No wait! It could also have been drawn by David Finch! He'd have The Huntress getting out of the shower at least three times!

Just to clarify, I don't think women taking showers is gross. I think it's the opposite of that in that it's pure and clean! It's also quite sexy if you happen to live beneath the bootheel of the male gaze (which I do!). And nobody wants to be thinking "sexy" and "rape" at the same time! Therefore, grosser than gross. And if you don't know why it would be super grosser than gross if Gerard Jones were writing this book, just go read his Wikipedia page. I'll wait.

This issue was written by Joey Cavalieri. I've written thousands of these "reviews" and I don't have an extant tag for Joey Cavalieri (meaning I've reviewed no books written by him!). But that doesn't mean I don't know who he is! You should also know who he is because he wrote The Oz-Wonderland War starring Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew! That's one of the first comic book series that I ever owned, second only to Crisis on Infinite Earths (which really catapulted me into the world of comic books). I don't remember if what Joey wrote was really any good but the books of Oz and Wonderland were some of my favorites in elementary school. So I remember the series fondly even if I don't totally remember the series.

This issue begins by lubing up my male gaze with a shot of Helena relaxing in her yard while reading a book and minding her own business.

Now I'm all raring to tube the esopus!

Helena is living in upstate New York with the child genius James and his robot invention. She recently gave him The Wizard of Oz to read but he was all, "Why was that interesting?" And Helena was all, "I never read it." That's probably something writers do called "building character." We now know that Helena is illiterate and the Brainiac child she lives with has no childhood sense of whimsy. Later a young white man is introduced but I don't know if he lives with Helena and James. I think Helena is Catholic so it would probably be a sin to live with a man outside of marriage. He probably just drops by for anal on the weekends.

Turns out the guy is The Huntress's sidekick but I don't know who used to kick the side of The Huntress. He probably thinks of himself as her partner but if I don't know who the fuck he is, he was definitely a sidekick. Plus he's got Dick and Jason vibes all over him.

Helena sees some giant Robocop dude in the papers and decides she needs to go back to New York and alert the Justice League. I guess it was a picture of Robo-Mob. That's the opposite of Robo-Cop, at least on the East Coast.

Oh, sorry. She doesn't want their help; she just needs a babysitter.

The Robo dude is some guy named The Hunter and he's killing cops and high level mob bosses while working for some other mob guy named Angelo "The Brick Wall" Brancati. So it's a mob story. I never liked comic book mob stories. That's probably why I didn't read The Huntress comics much and I tended to be wary of Batman comics. Some writers of Batman didn't seem aware that he has dozens of crazy and off-the-wall villains to battle and would usually just have Batman fighting plain old regular mob bosses. I couldn't stand any story that starred Falcone, even if he were battling Penguin or The Black Mask. Unless it was that New 52 run of Catwoman and then it was okay for a variety of non-mob-boss-related reasons (the number one reason of which was "no longer being written by Ann Nocenti").

I'm not familiar with The Huntress and her various cast of characters so while Huntress fans might have been excited to see a couple of pages of some Jimmy Olsen looking motherfucker telling his wife about cop stuff, I almost put the book down to go do something more interesting. Like maybe go in the other room to grab the shredder and see if it can take a full annual in one go. This cop tells his wife that some vigilante is killing cops and she takes the news pretty calmly. Probably because it wouldn't be much of a loss to lose a Jimmy Olsen looking motherfucking husband.

I always keep a sense of humor when it comes to cops being killed!

That caption was a leftist joke. I just want to point that out in case Elon Musk is reading this because he thinks humor is outlawed on the left. But he's wrong. We actually have all the really funny and insightful jokes! The only reason Elon Musk and his idiot fans think humor on the left is dead is because nobody on the left looks at a skinny kid on a playground and calls him a fag. Those are the only real jokes they have: playground bullying. It's all they find funny! And while I admit that some playground humor is funny, like when you fart on your friend's face and catch him with his mouth open, the really mean stuff that's the foundation for racism and hate crimes isn't particularly humorous to me. If you make a well-crafted joke that calls me fat, I'll probably laugh and then go cry in the bathroom in private for five minutes. But if you just call me fat and turn to your friends and high five them as they laugh their asses off (not because "You're fat!" was a good joke but because you just hurt somebody's feelings (which is the only thing they seem to find funny)), I'll just cry right there in front of everybody for even longer then five minutes because he'll probably punch me in the mouth for quickly replying, "Your mother is fat!"

Violence and mean-spirited humor is all the right thinks is funny. Sometimes I also think those things are funny. But I also find loads of other things funny too! Like that speech in Hamlet where he's all, "I'm so sad! Should I kill myself?! Boo hoo! Nobody's ever felt worse than me right now!"

The Huntress comes into the cop's apartment through the window leaving her shampoo and body lotion smell all over the room so when the cop's wife comes in and asks, "Who are you talking to?", she'll smell Huntress all over this guy and stop trusting him. She just ruined this guy's marriage. Unless I'm supposed to believe The Huntress is completely without smell! I guess that's not the most important part of the scene to the writer. The writer just wants to give The Huntress all the information the cops have on this Hunter guy so she can begin her investigation.

I'll skip her investigation and get right to the part where she catches The Hunter and unmasks him!

Who the fuck is this guy?

Oh! That's the guy from the beginning. I didn't know who he was then either. Then I put the comic book down for several days and didn't recognize that it was the guy I didn't recognize earlier. Man. Who the fuck is he?! Dick Grayson's stand-in?

A bunch of mob guys descend on Huntress and Hunter after Huntress saves the cop Hunter tries to kill. Then the NYPD rush in shooting anything that moves. One of the things that moves which they shoot is The Hunter. Huntress is all, "I'll get you to a hospital and dump you off in the lobby before skedaddling so I don't have to answer any questions that might cause me trouble. I hope you survive!" But Hunter is all, "No time! I'm dead!" Then he dies and The Huntress thinks, "Fuck this investigative shit. I know whose ass needs kicking and I'm just going to go kick it." The ass she's talking about belongs to Angelo "The Brick Wall" Brancati, mob boss.

I get why you made that whole "brick wall" metaphor, Angelo. But that part where people are lining up behind it doesn't really make sense. This is sounding like Nocenti dialogue.

Angelo's metaphor is messed up in a number of ways but that's what happens when somebody fixates on something to this degree. The Brick Wall is his whole identity! So begins by talking about a structure which has a brick wall on top. Doesn't make any sense, buddy. He's the cement that holds the entire structure together (or just the brick wall) but then he's also the brick wall itself. I suppose it's a minor quibble to say "cement" over "mortar" since mortar uses cement but a brick wall isn't just stuck together with cement itself. I'll let that pass. But to stand there acting tough and explaining how he's the cement and the brick wall one sentence after the other? He's a fucking lunatic! Then he finishes off by saying how when there's a brick wall, people either line up behind it or get shot up against it. It's like he worked the entire metaphor out just to get to the point where he can say, "If you're against the brick wall, you're about to be shot!" Which is a fucking good line! That I wrote! He should have just said that! But no! He has to say you're either against the wall getting shot or lining up behind it. But who lines up behind a brick wall?! A bunch of guys who need to pee?

Meanwhile, the Justice League (because this is a Justice League comic book, remember) has been spying on her and they figure maybe they should help her out of this mess. They probably also want to protect some cops but I don't like that part as much so let's forget about it.

Blue Beetle's bug comes flying in to the rescue just as The Brick Wall drops that line about The Huntress being on her own. It's like this thing were written by a writer who has never learned the word subtlety. The mob guys, also never having learned the word subtlety, beginning firing all of their tommy gun bullets into Beetle's flying bug. Beetle decides a hail of bullets is the best thing to jump into and heads to the ground in the middle of one. Ice clings to his chest because I guess she hasn't learned that thing that Iceman does where he just constantly builds ice ramps to slide all over the place. I know civilians hating the X-men was a metaphor for racism but thinking about how Iceman probably flooded so many buildings just so he could swoop around on ice ramps has me hating the X-men too.

The battle takes place on a bridge already falling apart due to New York's infrastructure completely falling apart (it's been a theme of this issue that I haven't commented on because it was boring and too close to the truth). The battle makes the bridge fall apart even more.

The cover shows Fire and Martian Manhunter taking place in this fight because DC's covers are constantly full of lies.

Is this the scene where The Huntress lets the mob boss fall to his death to show how different she is from Batman? I hope so! Even though Batman could let somebody fall to their death during a fight in which he took part that helped weaken the bridge that collapsed under the person falling to their death and still pretend like he didn't kill that person. Batman likes to pretend his no-kill policy is black and white but his no-kill policy is actually all kinds of gray. It's just nobody wants to argue with Batman about it because he debates like a fucking dick and wins most arguments because people just get so frustrated and annoyed while arguing with him that they give up.

It's also possible that this is just an easy way to end this conflict. The Brick Wall dies through no fault of The Huntress and thus she can't be hounded by the law for killing a guy. And The Huntress doesn't have to worry about this jerk making her life a living hell because he's been killed. But he'll also have fallen into a river so is he dead? Will he come back for a new mini-series? If this issue sold well, I'm sure he did.

The Brick Wall plummets into the river and his body is never found. Nobody tries to save him because he's a gigantic asshole. You know Ice could have done something if the writer had wanted her to. And J'onn wasn't in the fight but he was flying the Bug so he could have done something too. I don't think Beetle could have saved the guy though because Beetle is useless.

The issue ends with The Huntress throwing her costume into the incinerator. Does that mean this was the final story with Helena Bertinelli? At least until The New 52? Did a new woman take over being The Huntress? I have no idea because I never really read many of her comics.

Justice League International Special #2: Featuring The Huntress Rating: C. It's lucky to get a C! The Justice League was hardly in it. The antagonist was hardly in it. The Huntress was hardly in it. How did I even just read 38 pages of comic book when every single character that made up the plot was barely even in it? I think most of the pages were taken up by Helena which I don't count as The Huntress. And the Justice League didn't do a single thing worthy of their name. That one panel I scanned where Beetle and Ice are battling mobsters is the only action they took part in! The Huntress threw maybe two punches and one kick before the bridge collapses under The Brick Wall and kills him. Her partner who caused this entire story to unfold never even gets identified as anything but some guy she was working with! I'm probably wrong but I don't think he even got a name! And why was she living with some genius orphan? Oh, probably because DC has genius orphans coming out of their buttholes. Every main character needs at least one. This comic should have been called The Huntress Special Barely Featuring The Justice League because only The Huntress fans would recognize any of the bit players in the story. I sure didn't know who any of them were! I wonder if I can sue DC thirty years later for the blatant false advertisement that this was a Justice League comic book? I'm so angry now! Why did I fucking re-read this?!

I just realized the first special was exactly like this but using Mister Miracle instead of The Huntress. That one also wasn't a Justice League comic book! It was more of an offshoot of Mister Miracle's monthly book. And now they did the same thing with The Huntress. Wait a fucking second. This wasn't false advertisement at all. It was simply an advertisement! These fuckwits at DC convinced young me to pay $2.95 for a fucking commercial for a different one of their comic books! At least this fucking advert ended with The Huntress throwing her costume away so I didn't think, "I should read more The Huntress comics!" Instead I probably thought, "Good riddance!"