Batman Beyond #10

Good thing DC keeps reminding me about the Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us movie or I'd probably forget it was out in theaters on March 25th! I hope they remind me when it's in second run though because that's when I'll probably see it. If, you know, I don't forget about it.

I'm not sure if this comic book is meant to be a story about Tim Drake in the future or a delivery vehicle for Batman Loves Superman ads! Here's the inside cover:

The sexual tension is palpable! They should have made this advert with that 3-D effect so you could see their boners grow when you moved the page.

So Rebirth is on the horizon which might refresh some of my enthusiasm for writing about DC Comics. I just ran out of stuff to say about them after four years! How many times can I point out that the Teen Titans are jerk-offs and Green Arrow's comic book may as well have been replaced by the clerk at your Local Comic Book store slapping you in the face after handing them $2.99? Plus I'll be able to increase my word count because I'm certain to constantly write "REBIRTH!" after every two or three sentences.

This issue begins with Tim Drake battling a Tigerman and an Apeboy and a Womangirl. Unless the female is some kind of otter. But she only seems to have two breasts so I'm guessing she's a human or a bird. I don't think normal birds have boobs because they feed their babies vomit but I'm fairly certain that all human-bird hybrids have perky tits. Except for Big Bird.

Who made you, Tim Drake, arbiter of personal decisions? Maybe Apeboy likes having a huge gorilla cock even if he ejaculates almost immediately every time he rubs on anything. That's what gorillas do, right? Hmm. I'm beginning to suspect that Planet of the Rapes wasn't a documentary on gorilla culture.

While Tim Drake battles beastpeople and argues "philosophy" with a mad scientist, Matt McGinnis discovers the Justice League trapped in stasis tubes. I guess they weren't turned into Eyeborgs after all. Because that was Futures End bullshit that kind of painted this future's possibilities into a corner. But revealing that the Justice League survived means more variety for the DC Youniverse's bleak and awful future that came about because DC likes the idea that its heroes just aren't good enough to, ultimately, save the world. The members still alive are a Green Lantern, Big Barda, Warhawk, and Aquagirl. So, you know, the C-Team.

You know what the "C" stands for.

Over in Gotham, the refugees storm the city just before an ad for a new Superman trade featuring the "Before Truth" story arc. They decided to go with an IGN review blurb rather than use one of mine. I knew I used the word "shit" too many times!

Tim Drake is speciesist. What would be wrong with a half-giraffe girl or a sexy ladybug?

The Justice League is hypnotized by an elephant man because you know how that is. You go to the zoo and you can't stop staring at the elephant waiting to see it pop a boner or take a huge piss. It's mesmerizing! The Justice League now think that Batman Beyond is a cyborg. It's as good an excuse as any to get good guys to battle each other! It's also a good time for Tuftan the Tiger to learn that his mad scientist creator has been lying to him. And if there is one thing felines can't stand, it's being lied to and/or string. Cuvier, the mad scientist, also mentions how the Justice League Cyborgs weren't actually the Justice League, probably for those reasons I mentioned earlier about how shitty and boring this world would be if all of the heroes from just a few decades earlier had been murdered and turned into weaponized toaster ovens.

The next advert is for Wonder Woman Year One by Grant Morrison. Since it hasn't come out yet, DC has decided not to use any quotes by IGN or Comic Book Resources, even though I'm sure they already have some raving reviews ready to go. "'The most dramatic version of Wonder Woman I've seen since the first five minutes of the Wonder Woman porn parody!' -- Chris Sims." Instead, they went with a Grant Morrison quote about his own work.

Did Grant Morrison okay the punctuation in this quote?

Big Barda eventually believes she kills Batman but she doesn't realize that before she could kill him, Matt McGinnis sank his battleship which, um, helped Tim escape somehow or something.

Batman Beyond #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better than it should be. What it should be is forgotten by everybody who read Futures End all the way through. I'm not denying that Futures End had some interesting parts or that it actually made me like Grifter for a few seconds but, overall, it was mediocre with an ending that had DC shitting all over the future of its characters. But Dan Jurgens is slowly changing the future by pretending a lot of the stuff that happened actually happened in a way that wasn't so stupid. I mean, it was just stupid in a different way that could lead to more interesting future stories! So hopefully it gets to some of those before REBIRTH!

We Are Robin #9

Chist, DC. We fucking get it. You love The Joker.

Rating: -5 Ranking.

That ranking isn't fair if I'm simply reviewing We Are Robins #9 since this was a decent enough issue (if a bit Fake Joker heavy). But I have no idea why I have this comic book rated so high among the other comic books put out by DC. It's a failure of my method, I guess! Because I don't really like this comic book all that much. I suppose my ranking is because I had high hopes for it and I like the idea of some of the characters. But the characters don't get enough panel time to make much of an impression. I think I like Riku but do I really? Don't I just like my idealized version of Riku? Aren't I just making a quick judgment based on her aesthetic and deciding she's my kind of wears an animal on their head type of person? She might actually be a real asshole who wants people to think she's cute and adorable by swiping a ready-to-go aesthetic of cutesie little manga girl.

Dax builds things. Dre has a caretaker mother. Duke is a leader. Izzy is scrappy. That's all I have to go on! This book might be fairly solid right now if it hadn't gotten mixed up in that whole Robin War crossover. But since it did, it just feels like it's just now getting back to the characters.

The worst part about this book is that it makes Alfred seem like some kind of wacko perv monster preying on young kids. I suppose he went crazy after Bruce died and then after Bruce ditched him to bang that Madison woman and then after Bruce turned back into Batman against Alfred's wishes. Al's been having a tough year.

I sort of can't wait for most of the current DC titles to end so we can sort of start over on a lot of them! DC should end all of their comic books every year and simply replace them with a bunch of new books starring characters that didn't get a chance to shine the previous year. But they shouldn't throw out their universe every time. Just keep everything ever written as canon and explain any paradoxes as fans not understanding the metaphor inherent in a system using people with super powers to tell morality tales.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #2

That's not Katana. That's Steak Knife.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

The Deadshot story? Holy fuck.

The Katana story? It's gonna be a Halo origin story! Hopefully all this shit with Katana, Halo, Markovia, and Dr. Jace will set up a Rebirth for The Outsiders. The original Outsiders! Except for Geoforce. Maybe Geoforce can be replaced by Terra or Windfall or the Royal Markovian Janitor or a three legged dog or a rotting cantaloupe. Anything will work, really.

Lois and Clark #5

The moment Batman realizes there is a second Superman.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

The present day part of this story where Superman battles Blanque Check with the help of Hank Henshaw is average comic book stuff. But the beginning pages where Clark longs for Bruce's friendship was a sad reminder of the real meat of what was lost in The New 52. Let other comic book companies have a world where the public doesn't trust its heroes and the heroes don't trust each other. I just want Bruce and Clark to be able to rely on each other. I want them to trust each other. I want them to fuck. I mean, be friends.

I don't care how continuity is bent or broken with the coming Rebirth as long as DC finds a way to restore the friendships and years of camaraderie that were lost by condensing their universe's history down to five years.

Also, how shit a reporter is Clark if he thinks he's still a secret to Batman?! He knows the guy! The minute he used his heat vision to melt the arrow head that was going to go through Batman's skull, Batman knew there was a second Superman on Earth. And he probably realized it's one he can trust and might eventually become friends with which is why he doesn't immediately try to destroy him.

Teen Titans #17

I miss Skitters.

Rating: No change.

This issue continues the trend of this series having loads of stupid bullshit in it but it actually begins to attempt to possibly start turning things around. Probably a little too late what with Rebirth coming and all. First the bad stuff: Ian Churchill reminds me of that truly most horrible of New 52 books, The Ravagers. He also doesn't seem to care about drawing realistic tacos which totally pulled me out of the story.

No, the real bad things are the things that have plagued this revamp of the revamp. The Titans continue to act as if they should be allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do because they're protecting the team. They're basically a teenaged version of The Rogues which simply means they don't give a fuck about the law even if they have a decent set of ethics while also being more self-obsessed and whinier. But it's okay if they've broken many different laws across the first sixteen issues of this comic book because Tim knows people who can pull some strings. Fucking rich kid.

Another aspect of this comic book which Scott Lobdell really worked poorly at was the romantic entanglement subplots. He simply tried to wedge in members crushing on other members without actually writing any stories which made the crushes believable. Greg Pak continues that trend by having Bunker tell Tim that Tim and Cassie are in love while Power Girl just happens to notice that Gar is crushing hard on Raven. I guess since Terra vanished somewhere in the mess of previous issues of this and The Ravagers, Gar needed a new old target of his affection. So just like that: love everywhere!

These characters are not likeable. I find myself not hating them as much as I hate fans who actually like these versions of the characters. They are rotten, narcissistic, miserable people who claim to be heroes while never doing anything heroic because they're too busy dealing with personal problems. Hmm, I guess that's always been a pretty apt description of the Teen Titans.

What about the good? I suppose I grudgingly like that this is a Who is Wonder Girl? story which has become a staple of Teen Titans comic books. She's just always such a confusing character! I like that Pak has brought back the "Lennox is Cassie's father" plot thread. This makes this "Who is Wonder Girl?" story fall right into line with the previous Who is Donna Troy? and Who is Wonder Girl stories by Marv Wolfman.

The last thing I liked about this comic book is that it has merely allowed the Titans to claim to be friends without dealing with any of the weird rivalries that have been driving the team apart lately. Just stop. They keep claiming to be friends and teammates even when nothing could seem further from the truth based on past stories. If they just forget all of that nonsense and just pretend that they've been a team from this point on, I'm on board with that.

Although, of course, Rebirth is coming. So who the fuck knows what's going to be what in a few months!

Aquaman #49

For the whole week, I kept glancing at his cover in the stack and thinking it was a real cover for the issue. Now I'm disappointed!

Rating: +((∞ - 54) + 5) Ranking.

Will somebody either make Cullen Bunn read this issue of Aquaman or at least roll it up and smack him on the head with it and say, "Bad! Bad writer!"? Because this is a good example of a story about Aquaman and not just about some pulp fiction character with every super power you can think of traveling through space and into fantasy worlds and battling invading forces while also having creepy sexual encounters who just happens to be named "Aquaman". This story also had Mera in a towel for multiple pages which is probably why I liked it so much. Also Aquadog returned although I think Cifuentes has a little bit of trouble drawing dogs. Maybe he'd be better at it if it had bigger tits and a thigh gap.

All Abnett had to do was write a story that sort of concentrated on one of Aquaman's traits and he would have written a better Aquaman story than Cullen Bunn. Instead, Abnett decides to incorporate as much Aquaman into this thing as he could fit. I wouldn't be surprised if he also took a huge steaming dump on Cullen Bunn's naked chest just to drive the point home. He did, at least, have Mera say "The Thule debacle" which I'm choosing to read as meaning "that fucking piece of shit Thule story that stunk up this comic book for nearly a year."

Nice job beginning the repair work on this title, Dan and company! I know comic book companies have exclusivity contracts. Can Marvel please get Cullen Bunn to sign one already?

Daredevil #4

This cover must have happened in a timeline that was erased by the X-men time traveling from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling.

Am I just getting greasier as I get older or is the ink on comic books getting cheaper? It's like newsprint again! It seems like I can't hold a comic book while reading it without smudging the ink where my greasy, disgusting thumbs are resting.

I liked this issue of Daredevil the best so far. Probably because Daredevil is having an existential dilemma. Sure, the first three issues were about the dangers of masturbation which was a totally great subject and all, but I have to give a slight nod to existential quanderies. They aren't quite as satisfying in the short term as masturbation. They're more like jawbreakers. You can suck on them all day trying to figure out what they mean or how to continue living your life with all of this societal garbage piling up on you. And just like a jawbreaker, existential quandaries merely leave your body physically sore and your tongue covered in white bumps. Especially if they're really big and overwhelming ones, the kind your father smashes with a hammer because they're too big to fit into your mouth.