Teen Titans #17

I miss Skitters.

Rating: No change.

This issue continues the trend of this series having loads of stupid bullshit in it but it actually begins to attempt to possibly start turning things around. Probably a little too late what with Rebirth coming and all. First the bad stuff: Ian Churchill reminds me of that truly most horrible of New 52 books, The Ravagers. He also doesn't seem to care about drawing realistic tacos which totally pulled me out of the story.

No, the real bad things are the things that have plagued this revamp of the revamp. The Titans continue to act as if they should be allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do because they're protecting the team. They're basically a teenaged version of The Rogues which simply means they don't give a fuck about the law even if they have a decent set of ethics while also being more self-obsessed and whinier. But it's okay if they've broken many different laws across the first sixteen issues of this comic book because Tim knows people who can pull some strings. Fucking rich kid.

Another aspect of this comic book which Scott Lobdell really worked poorly at was the romantic entanglement subplots. He simply tried to wedge in members crushing on other members without actually writing any stories which made the crushes believable. Greg Pak continues that trend by having Bunker tell Tim that Tim and Cassie are in love while Power Girl just happens to notice that Gar is crushing hard on Raven. I guess since Terra vanished somewhere in the mess of previous issues of this and The Ravagers, Gar needed a new old target of his affection. So just like that: love everywhere!

These characters are not likeable. I find myself not hating them as much as I hate fans who actually like these versions of the characters. They are rotten, narcissistic, miserable people who claim to be heroes while never doing anything heroic because they're too busy dealing with personal problems. Hmm, I guess that's always been a pretty apt description of the Teen Titans.

What about the good? I suppose I grudgingly like that this is a Who is Wonder Girl? story which has become a staple of Teen Titans comic books. She's just always such a confusing character! I like that Pak has brought back the "Lennox is Cassie's father" plot thread. This makes this "Who is Wonder Girl?" story fall right into line with the previous Who is Donna Troy? and Who is Wonder Girl stories by Marv Wolfman.

The last thing I liked about this comic book is that it has merely allowed the Titans to claim to be friends without dealing with any of the weird rivalries that have been driving the team apart lately. Just stop. They keep claiming to be friends and teammates even when nothing could seem further from the truth based on past stories. If they just forget all of that nonsense and just pretend that they've been a team from this point on, I'm on board with that.

Although, of course, Rebirth is coming. So who the fuck knows what's going to be what in a few months!

Aquaman #49

For the whole week, I kept glancing at his cover in the stack and thinking it was a real cover for the issue. Now I'm disappointed!

Rating: +((∞ - 54) + 5) Ranking.

Will somebody either make Cullen Bunn read this issue of Aquaman or at least roll it up and smack him on the head with it and say, "Bad! Bad writer!"? Because this is a good example of a story about Aquaman and not just about some pulp fiction character with every super power you can think of traveling through space and into fantasy worlds and battling invading forces while also having creepy sexual encounters who just happens to be named "Aquaman". This story also had Mera in a towel for multiple pages which is probably why I liked it so much. Also Aquadog returned although I think Cifuentes has a little bit of trouble drawing dogs. Maybe he'd be better at it if it had bigger tits and a thigh gap.

All Abnett had to do was write a story that sort of concentrated on one of Aquaman's traits and he would have written a better Aquaman story than Cullen Bunn. Instead, Abnett decides to incorporate as much Aquaman into this thing as he could fit. I wouldn't be surprised if he also took a huge steaming dump on Cullen Bunn's naked chest just to drive the point home. He did, at least, have Mera say "The Thule debacle" which I'm choosing to read as meaning "that fucking piece of shit Thule story that stunk up this comic book for nearly a year."

Nice job beginning the repair work on this title, Dan and company! I know comic book companies have exclusivity contracts. Can Marvel please get Cullen Bunn to sign one already?

Daredevil #4

This cover must have happened in a timeline that was erased by the X-men time traveling from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling.

Am I just getting greasier as I get older or is the ink on comic books getting cheaper? It's like newsprint again! It seems like I can't hold a comic book while reading it without smudging the ink where my greasy, disgusting thumbs are resting.

I liked this issue of Daredevil the best so far. Probably because Daredevil is having an existential dilemma. Sure, the first three issues were about the dangers of masturbation which was a totally great subject and all, but I have to give a slight nod to existential quanderies. They aren't quite as satisfying in the short term as masturbation. They're more like jawbreakers. You can suck on them all day trying to figure out what they mean or how to continue living your life with all of this societal garbage piling up on you. And just like a jawbreaker, existential quandaries merely leave your body physically sore and your tongue covered in white bumps. Especially if they're really big and overwhelming ones, the kind your father smashes with a hammer because they're too big to fit into your mouth.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Green Lantern #1

Rock God!

This is a weird little story. It's a Hal story. But it's also a not-Hal story that might have its roots in other Green Lantern stories that I've never read. It seems Green Lantern isn't human? He's some thing called a Moppet that pretends to be Hal Jordan? Or something.

Anyway, Hal gets his ass kicked because he doesn't know how to deal with or treat women, especially ones named Carol. But the story ends one panel too soon so that the readers think that Hal Jordan is out of the fight. But seriously? You cannot defeat Green Lantern by cutting off the hand with the ring on it and throwing it into space! That ring is too smart to be fooled by that! Although maybe Hal's ring isn't. It's so used to him just punching stuff that it probably wouldn't notice that the fist had been disconnected from the brain.

DK III: The Master Race #3

The Key to the Fortress of Solitude? This story obviously takes place in a universe of which DC Comics is ashamed.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

These may be fictional versions of fictional characters but they're up there among the best portrayals of Batman and Superman I've read. Sure, they've only appeared for one issue and things could go downhill quickly but I liked them this issue. I genuinely liked their characterizations here.

Batman acknowledges his faults and praises Carrie's work as Batman and/or Robin. He's still Batman so of course he doesn't tell her and only gives her warm fuzzies while she's sleeping (or, you know, pretending to. Probably because she knows she won't get praise while conscious. And Batman probably knows she's pretending but tells her anyway because it's some kind of game where they all save face by acting like idiots instead of honest people who care about each other). Batman knows he's needed. He knows Superman is needed. He knows they need help to save the world and he's not willing to be that version of Batman everybody seems to love. You know, the one where Batman does everything himself and staunchly refuses help but acquiesces readily when Batgirl waggles her finger at him.

Superman has taken a time out from the world because he and Batman almost destroyed it. Some people might look at this version and think, "What a puss! Superman would never abandon the world! So dumb!" But think about it. This is what I've been asking Superman to do for nearly four years now! He cannot save the world if he's constantly the most dangerous thing in it. And while I hate that modern writers have treated him as a dangerous weapon, I accept that all the stories being told simply prove that he's too dangerous to run amok on Earth. He's constantly mind-controlled or turned into Doomsday or having his powers stolen and used against him or being turned into a magic slave. Encasing himself in solid ice and locking himself away (I'm sure the front door was locked before his daughter came by to steal Kandor) was the only way to protect the Earth from himself. Right up until he knows that the Earth is in danger because of his pets and he steps up to take responsibility. The DC Youniverse could do worse than this Superman trapped in ice. Oh wait. It currently is doing worse than that.

The Kandor threat is a nice touch because even if I'm tired of bad Kryptonians coming out of nowhere to attack Earth, it's a believable setup to have a handful of villainous Kandorians out of a whole city full of them. Having Wonderman (Supergirl's daughter! She took her mother's first name and father's last name. At least in my imagination) turn against him works because she's got Daddy Issues due to Absent Father Syndrome.

Why is it older Batman is always so much better than late twenties/early thirties Batman? Oh wait. I know the answer to that! I just won't say it because I don't want to offend people in their late twenties and early thirties by performing clique maintenance!

Justice League #48

I think these adult coloring book covers were a message to colorists. "See? The fans can do your stupid job."

Rating: No change.

The Darkseid War has officially gone on for too long. You can tell because one of the characters is having a baby and that's always the death knell for a sitcom and/or a war. Geoff Johns really didn't know where he was going with this when he began it, did he? He just sat in a bar and made a list of bullet points of things he thought would make fans come in their pants.

• Kill Darkseid.
• Make Batman sit in a chair.
• Have a Mother Box try to fuck Hal Jordan.
• Have a race between The Flash and Black Racer.
• Let Lex rule Apokolips
• Explain Darkseid's chair fetish by making the Mobius Chair the Anti-monitor's chair which passes on the Anti-Life Equation through a person's buttocks.
• Have Ultraman boof some Kryptonite.
• Let Wonder Woman narrate so I can have her point out the similarities between epics of old and this story that I'm writing which will surely be a modern day epic.
• Comment on Aquaman by leaving him out completely. Fucking loser.
• Buy a bunch more hats with the money I make.

The Justice League spends most of this issue punching Anti-Beings in the face. I think that usually causes the universe to explode due to some made-up antimatter/matter thing but it's okay for this story. Also a big section of Gotham has been Crisis on Infinite Earthed so that might be a big deal later. You know what? I doubt it will be. Fuck the people of Gotham. They know what they're risking by living there.

Deathstroke #15

I don't recall the Morlocks having S's painted on their chests.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

It's as if DC Comics knows all of Deathstroke's fans are imbeciles who will buy any piece of shit story with which he's associated. But they also know Deathstroke's fans who will put up with infinite levels of shit writing are a limited resource so guess who shows up at the end of this book to pull in more idiotic fans? Red Hood! They already milked the Harley Quinn fans (guest starring in two different stories in the first year!) so they've probably learned lesson.

If I had any indication that this comic book wasn't taking itself as seriously as I'm pretty fucking sure it's taking itself, the reveal of Lawman would have been on my top hilarious moments list of whatever year this is. I suppose intent doesn't really matter, right? It was still hilarious! Holy shit, Lawman is a character in the wrong decade! And what's with his kidnapping of Rose Wilson who doesn't give a shit about her father (although she might now that a new writer is on the book. Deathstroke's continuity doesn't usually survive changes in the writer)? I suppose it really only matters how many shits Slade gives for Rose. But that's also been shown to be practically zero no matter how many times Tony S. Daniel wrote captions where Deathstroke was all, "I love my children Tulip and the boy, um, what's his name?"

Most of this issue is Deathstroke and Mercy dealing with a bunch of Bizarros by technobabbling up a solution. It might have been a successful moment for people who are sexually aroused by Bizarros without shirts but otherwise it may as well have been cut from the story. Although then the book wouldn't have a plot or any reason for non-Deathstroke fans to buy it. Every issue's cover should just be a picture of the guest star with a black background because every issue is just about showcasing another DC character simply so somebody will buy the issue. Next issue's cover is bound to be Red Hood standing over an unconscious Deathstroke so that all of the Red Hood fans will drop their boners and pick up next month's issue.

P.S. The art was not good.