The New Titans #55 (June 1989)

Nightwing finally leads the Titans in the right direction and they take the most heroic action the team has ever taken: they kick Danny Chase off of the team! Woo hoo! High five everybody in the Letter Columns! I mean, I don’t high five. High fiving is for babies and drunks and drunk babies.

Also in this issue: Donna Troy cuts her hair and decides to wear a costume that highlights her panties! Hooray! My dong couldn't be happier! Donna's panties and no Danny Chase? I now know what a male multiple orgasm feels like.

The first inkling that maybe, just maybe, I could actually like Dick Grayson.


I can’t stand Danny Chase but he’s not wrong. For fifty-five issues, all the Titans have done is cry about each other! Look at their faces. They know he's right too!

Batman and Robin Eternal #20

Dick wins the orgy! Obviously.

Rating: No change.

I have this recurring dream where I'm at an all-girl school for young assassins and I'm also young so it's not creepy because dreams are what they are. They all want to have sex with me and they keep tickling me which is weird because I actually would like to have sex and not to be tickled. But I'm wearing sweat pants and I'm overly concerned about getting an erection because I guess my dream self is an idiot and thinks it'd be embarrassing if all the girls who wanted to have sex with me saw I was physically excited about it. But the tickling quickly becomes girls just trying to grab my cock through my sweats. At this point, I really just have a super strong urge to pee and the young women attacking me are just getting on my nerves. At about that point, I wake up with a full bladder and feeling really annoyed at my dream self for not getting laid.

Maybe that wasn't a recurring dream but then why should I tell you the parts of my stories that are false? I did have some of that dream last night for real though. It's just I added the all-girl school assassin thing for some reason I can't think of at the moment. It was just one woman and I don't remember if she was somebody I knew or probably just Gillian Anderson.

One time when I was in my teens, I was at the ice skating rink and this girl with large breasts kept hanging on the back of me. I was wearing sweats which meant that I wasted most of my money to ice skate because I had to sit down the entire time. It was totally worth it. I think she even joked about going outside in the bushes with me but I couldn't stand up without everybody in the rink knowing that I really, really wanted to be in the bushes with her. I think maybe the embarrassment of other people knowing I was physically aroused kept me from a lot of super awesome sexy time action when I was younger. Stupid inhibitions! Why should I have cared what anybody thought?! I could have gotten a handy in a bush outside the mall!

Sometimes I forget I'm supposed to be reviewing comic books.

Superman: American Alien #4

This is the most literal cover I've ever seen.

Rating: No change.

This issue was called "Owl." Because the Owl is the opposite of the Bat. I think. I never thought of it that way but I've now been programmed to think that because of New 52 Batman. Owls are also good at getting exclusive stories for their internships.

Clark interviews Oliver Queen, Lex Luthor, Dick Grayson, and Bruce Wayne. Or sort of Bruce Wayne. Lois actually interviews Bruce Wayne but Clark interviews Batman which is totally a more accurate representation of the man. Everybody (including Lois and his mom!) give Clark a little piece of the man he will soon become. I think he learns a lot in this issue because I was flipping the pages thinking, "Why isn't anybody getting punched?! What kind of Superman comic book is this?!"

Now pretend I spent five pages discussing the stuff Clark learned and how it helped to form the man we will one day know and love to hate. Make sure you imagine it's super insightful because that's the kind of stuff I would come up with if I wanted to bother coming up with it. But why should I? Use your own stupid brain!

Black Canary #8

Is it bad that I kind of want Dinah to die so that Bo Maeve takes her place?

Rating: -1 Ranking.

Have you ever read something that completely resonated with you and you just sat contemplating the work after you were through, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted? You just couldn't believe how somebody else somewhere out in the vastness of space and time was able to connect so completely to you that you were absolutely overwhelmed?

This isn't that. This is just a story about how Dinah is the heir to the Five Heaven Palms ultimate ninja move and how her aunt totally wants control of it. I've never been heir to anything unless you count my dad's fucked up sense of humor and my mother's extreme paranoia. But hey! Vixen is in this so I guess she recovered from that time New York fell on top of her in Justice League International!

I probably wouldn't have lowered the rating on this issue since it was simply regular old mediocre but the art was poopy. It reminded me of poop.

Oh, that was mean! I was being mean! The art just didn't agree with me! Maybe it was my lunch that didn't agree with me and I was just in a mood. I'm sorry for being mean, Sandy Jarrell. You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work! I mean, "good" for other people because it wasn't good for me. It was close! The word I would use to describe your art had two "o"s in it as well!

Titans Hunt #5

Stop trying to make me look at Dick's crotch, DC!

Rating: No change.

This story is a mystery about a mystery! The mystery is what the mystery is! It's basically the Titans running around going "Something weird is going on but we know nothing about anything but we do know something weird is going on and we're going to maybe try to figure that out maybe? No? Yes?" While they go around not knowing anything about the mystery that is mysterious, they begin to meet up with each other. It seems they once knew each other and had a team together and went on "adventures" but something happened to make those adventures nonexistent. I won't say what that event was that erased those adventures because I don't want to summon assholes who still type things like "Nu-52" or "I would eat out my own asshole if I were flexible enough and fuck DC Comics!"

In essence, the mystery is why did DC erase the history of the Titans in the first place? Some people think that was a mistake because they loved the characters and hate Lobdell's version of them. But those people are probably forgetting how awful Marv Wolfman's version of the Teen Titans truly was. I guess it's kind of a serviceable comic book for a company that really didn't know what it was doing in the early to mid eighties. But it doesn't hold up well enough to be re-remembered! Which I guess is why the Titans are remembering adventures that are even older than those adventures! Adventures in a time where they could actually battle a guy named Mister Twister and nobody's eyes would roll out of their head.

I once believed I enjoyed Marv Wolfman's Titans from the eighties. I should have kept that false memory alive and never gone back to reread that series! Although maybe it gets better after Issue #54, right? It must get better because I kept reading and buying it for another five years! Along with the Team Titans and Deathstork books!

New Suicide Squad #17

Tim Seeley is writing? Does that mean an end to mediocre bullshit? Or am I about to start criticizing a writer I actually like?!

Rating: +1 Ranking.

Now, I wouldn't mind rating it higher but I'm taking a let's wait and see attitude. Overall, I liked the framing story much better than any of the previous framing stories for the Squad. Amanda explains it and sets up what to expect and she does it in a way in which her character would be expected to explain it. This might be some of her best characterization so far. Lawton explicitly has a death wish. Harley's a bit nuts but in a servicable way. Diablo I don't really fucking care about but I think he'll add a nice layer to the team. And Cheetah...well, whatever. She's sexy!

But...spoiler!...that lineup doesn't matter. Because they've all been killed by a mysterious super person! No, seriously! They're all dead. It was right there in the comic book on Waller's computer that monitors their vital signs! It was a flat red line and everything! So I guess Seeley needs to put together a new team and I hope it'll have New Wave working with Captain Boomerang because I can't get enough of women beating the shit out of Digger.

This might be only the second time I'm recommending picking up this comic book. I think it's finally going to start heading in the right direction. Although do I really need to recommend people pick this up when everybody is suddenly a fan of the Suicide Squad because it's going to be a movie? Where were they when Ostrander was writing this book and I was rereading it constantly because it was so fucking good?! Oh, that's right. Most of them probably weren't even born yet. Never mind!

Bombshells #9

Bah! Misogynist propaganda!

Rating: No change.

This comic book isn't as sexy as the cover might have caused you to think it was. Huge manga wink!

Supergirl and Stargirlikov looked super cute in the last section of story. I was all, "This book is kind of entertaining but something is really missing!" And then the last few pages happened and the characters were super cute and I was all, "Oh yeah! That's what was missing! My boner!"

Some people probably review this comic book and point out its feminist qualities but let's face it! The real selling point is cute women wearing barely any clothes! Isn't it great how the male slash lesbian gaze can debase anything!?

I know, I know! I should approach comic books more seriously! How dare I make immature jokes about comic books! This shit is serious shit and shit! So I'm going to stop being an ass and present my favorite part of the story!

"Hey seal, smell my finger!"