Voodoo #5

OMG! Big reveal! Voodoo is a Daemonite!

The first thing I noticed was Voodoo has a new writer for this issue! I imagine that's because Voodoo was not a big seller for the first few months so DC is quickly trying to turn things around. But I doubt low sales figures have much to do with writers when the character is new to the DC Universe (not brand new, of course, being from Wildstorm). And the new writer being brought in is a new guy at DC. I didn't look up too much about him but I guess he's writing the Uncharted comic for DC right now. Since I don't shit about Ron Marz, the previous writer, it doesn't matter much to me that DC made the switch. Let's see how good the story is!

Voodoo has taken her Corvette to a top secret archaeological dig in the Midwest. I don't think it's the same one that The Rot took over in Animal Man because this one doesn't have bones in it. It has a gigantic Daemonite spaceship! I'll let Voodoo explain.

I like how Josh doesn't beat around the bush about Voodoo being a Daemonite since it's already been so obvious.

The guy who has been hunting Voodoo is waiting for her aboard the Battleship. She has trouble reading his mind so she flashes some cleavage at him because that always makes men's minds easier to read. Except that all you end up reading is "Tits tits titty fuck tits tits possibility of anal?"

The guy waiting for her is a pure blood Daemonite who has problems with hybrids. What a racist asshole! He's there to kill Voodoo! But I bet Voodoo kills him! Or fucks him! Hmm, probably kills him.

The tentacles sticking out of the mouth is so the reader knows he's a Daemonite. It's the equivalent of Vampires in Buffy always being bumpy faced so you know they're Vampires.

It looks like Voodoo kills this guy pretty easily in a few panels. Nothing explicit though, so he may not be dead. She swings a claw and blue fluid splashes up. Then the scene changes to a Black Razor military base. And we get an editor's note about the Black Razors!

Don't The Blackhawks do that already? I guess since both organizations are super secret, they don't know that they're redundant! Although Blackhawks have been cancelled, so it's probably good that the Black Razors exist.

Fallon is being put on indefinite leave because of her anger issues. I guess she acted angry last issue but I don't remember it that well. When she's bitching, she thinks, "Should have just joined The Blackhawks." Ha! Well, I guess they do know about each other! I think the difference is the Blackhawks are run by the United Nations and the Black Razors are either a private organization working with the United States Government or they're actually just a government group.

Black Jack appears and gets really angry as well because they let Voodoo escape four times. But Fallon suddenly has a Holy Grail! I mean, a revelation! She thinks she has one last chance to catch Voodoo so she and Black Jack take off. I don't know what's going on but I bet they encounter Voodoo! And I bet they make friends with her because that blurb that begins the comic says Voodoo may be mankind's greatest saviour! Or something like that.

Back to Voodoo, she didn't kill the Daemonite that easily. She just wounded him, I guess, because they're having a big comic book battle! Voodoo's strength is waning because it's hard to keep her lizardy form for very long. So she tries one last time to read the Daemonite's mind and succeeds, sort of. She sees a vision of Grifter and feels the Daemonite's fear. She sees a vision of Stormwatch and senses the Daemonite feels trapped. She also sees a baby in a Star Wars healing tube and Grifter on the table at the time of the botched transfer. I don't know what it all means but maybe Voodoo does!
But in the end, she just uses her ability to transform to win the battle.

Gross! It's like biting into Tidal Wave gum, Brain Flavoured.

After the battle, Voodoo uploads all of her information to the Battleship to be sent to her alien buddies so they'll know how to defeat all of the Super Heroes of Earth. While uploading, she notices a file on her, so she takes a peek to see what the humans know. What she finds out is that they don't actually know anything about her. They know about someone exactly like her that they currently have in custody.

Does this mean Voodoo will tie in to Superboy and Gen-13 as well as Grifter and Stormwatch?

This other Voodoo is the person Fallon suddenly remembers and rushes off with Black Jack to interrogate. The other Voodoo was scheduled for execution which is why Fallon was in such a hurry. So they arrive and, well, that's the big reveal and the end of this issue!

The whole clone reveal doesn't really interest me one way or another. But the flow and movement of the plot in this issue kept me interested. Just like the last issue of Grifter, I don't know what's going on! Am I just in a generous mood this morning? This comic was enjoyable and, seeing as how I am in a generous mood, I'll move it up the ranks one slot.

Grifter #5

That mask is so fucking stupid.

I'm going to assume that this woman, Sofia, that just saved Cole on her motorcycle has a really good reason for knowing about him and wanting to save his ass and put her ass in danger. I'm just going to assume that I missed something somewhere between my reading, scanning, and crying at the horrible writing. I'm also just going to assume that comic books were written better back when I used to read them. Why do people keep reading them if they're this bad? Not everybody has a stupid project where they're writing about every comic book they read. And, believe me, I don't even know how long this project will last if some of these titles don't find their footing by the half-year mark.

And where did Grifter get that mask? Did he really pick it up in the souvenir shop where he stole the hat in the first issue? Is it a sports mask? Or a kid's television show character? I thought it was just a bandanna that he tied around his face but the design and the eye holes are telling me that's wrong. I'm pretty fucking smart!

She just turned a bar room with one desk into the room behind her by pushing some buttons. But the comic didn't show how the scene changed. Hologram? Did a wall lower? Did the room rotate? Am I the only one who cares about details like this?

Cash has found himself in some basement room inside Green Arrow's Q-core building in Seattle with this woman, Sofia, who also knows about the Daemonites. They're going to hunt them together!

Tsavo the Daemonite is still hunting Cash. Tsavo mentions someone named Carver who apparently tortured Cash but I don't remember that at all! Did I fall asleep while reading this comic? Perhaps that was during the 17 days/minutes/hours/weeks/years/eons of Cole's lost time. Tsavo is supposed to stop hunting Grifter but he's going to go against orders. The orders come from this woman who captured Cole's girlfriend in Gotham.

And when one does get a hold of him, one dies from Grifter Tsavo poisoning!

This woman might be the only thing I like about this comic so far! Her expressions are so horrible! But I don't think they're meant to be funny in the way that Balki or Bones or that Israeli chick from NCIS mangles sayings. I think they're funny because Nathan Edmondson is trying to be serious when writing what she's saying! I can't be totally sure though. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt that he's finally writing something entertaining? Yes? No? Fuck, who cares! I find this woman as funny as RonnieStorm's mom in Firestorm!

Okay, she's not really mangling common English phrases. She's just sort of awkward and weird.

Okay, there's nothing technically wrong with this. But how do you know you're betting on the wrong horse until the race is over? I think this saying can only be used after Grifter is dead. "See, you dumb whore!? You backed the wrong horse! Bitch!"

Sofia has plenty of weapons to fight the Daemonites. She's been stockpiling for quite some time because she knew the Daemonites were trying to infiltrate Q-Core to merge their technology with Q-Cores' technology. I guess the security at Waynetech was just too much for them so they decided to go with this second rate firm. She didn't know who they were until Grifter exposed them by busting his ass through the front windows of Q-Core. Now they need some cash to hunt the Daemonites and Cole (his last name being cash!) has a solution for that.

And a guy with a really spherical bicep!

Grifter hits the streets of Seattle to find someone to grift! But as he's doing his lame lost locket thing (is this a Twin Peaks reference?), the world freezes and he's attacked by a bunch of Daemonites! It's a really good thing that normal bullets kill these things or Grifter would be dead pretty quickly.

Wait! What am I saying? I wish normal bullets had no effect on these things! Stupid Grifter!

Grifter is out of ammo and about to be killed by dozens of Daemonites. Cue the "act tough" routine!

Tsavo calls off the Daemonites and approaches Cole rationally. Of course, he's rationally trying to talk Cole into giving himself up even though Tsavo just got Cole's brother killed. Remember Cole's brother, MAX CASH! Man, that name never gets old. So of course Grifter isn't going to act reasonably! What Grifter does do is throw a Butterfly Knife at Tsavo's face!

An aside: I first learned what a Butterfly Knife was from my friend Sal. Sal lived around the corner from my cousin's house but I think I met Sal in third grade independent of knowing he lived so close. He trained in Taekwondo for many years and could jump a bunch of guys to kick a board in half and all that crap. This was also the mid-eighties and ninja stuff was pretty popular. So everyone had at least one Throwing Star hidden away from their mothers somewhere in their room. But Sal had a Butterfly Knife! Now, I'd actually known the term Butterfly Knife as a weapon previous to this due to Wizardry 3: The Legacy of Llygamyn. It was a weapon that only Ninjas could use and it made them officially super badass. I had no idea what it was until Sal got one of his own. End Aside.

That woman I like shows up to put a stop to this whole fight and I learn her name is Carver. So I think the torture he was talking about was when Carver was torturing Grifter's girlfriend! Now that makes sense. Carver appears with the Daemonite God, Black Curate. He's just a gigantic black Daemonite that doesn't do much but make Grifter say, "My God." I don't think he means that literally. Or maybe he does since he's part Daemonite! That is his God!

Grifter is captured but not for long. Sofia begins sniping the Daemonites and frees Cole. Carver, the funny lady, commands the Daemonites to eliminate the sniper! Man, like it's that easy! I'm always telling my crew in Call of Duty to eliminate the sniper and they fuck it up all the time and just splatter the wall with more of their brains! Someone get Carver a Predator Missile!

Oh, I made another mistake! Apparently that thing I thought was a God was just a gigantic ship. Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Maybe the artist should be clearer! Actually, it wasn't that bad. Maybe I'm drunk from reading Grifter and drinking Iced Tea!

So Cole is captured and Sofia has to beat a hasty retreat because the Seattlers begin moving again, see she has a gun, and call her a terrorist! Take that, stupid! Back on the Daemonite ship, there is a set-up for next issue!

Uh-oh! Here comes the God!

Believe it or not, I liked this issue much better than the previous issues! I was kind of entertained while reading it! I think it was mostly my mood, but that's something, right? And since Grifter is at the bottom of the heap, I think I'll throw it a boner (hee hee) and move it up the ranks one spot!
Seriously, it doesn't take much for me to move the comics at the bottom of the pile. But the comics at the top of the list have to have some majorly entertaining or surprising stories to move up past their competitors. And the ones in the middle, well, fuck. Who cares, really? They're all so mediocre!

Stormwatch #5

Midnighter's high school nickname is Murder Machine.

The representative from The Shadow Cabinet sends Adam One into the Death Pit, technically killing him. But the representative tells the rest of Stormwatch that a person has to be dead to be a member of the Shadow Council. So it looks like Adam One was just promoted for failing to lead Stormwatch? And why does the most super secret covert organization in the world (more covert than Checkmate and S.H.A.D.E. and The Blackhawks and Task Force X and probably a bunch of others I can't remember right now) need to be led by a super secret group of secret people? Is that how it always works out? Sort of like in The X-Files where the covert government programs are run by the shadowy group of old men in the dark room with the big table. It must be necessary for some reason. Or else it's just a dumb cliché that nobody knows how to stop doing.

Batman!

The next order of business is picking a more capable leader. The cover seems to think it should be between Tanner and Midnighter. But what about Martian Manhunter? He has tons of experience!

Oh, okay, forget Martian Manhunter! I guess it is between Tanner and Midnighter!

The Shadow Cabinet picks The Projectionist to lead Stormwatch because she has a background of killing and crime and suicide attempts! Makes her perfectly fit to lead this group. I guess. But while they were discussing who should be leader while giving the reader a short synopsis on all the members, Apollo and Midnighter disappeared somewhere deeper into Stormwatch Headquarters. So the cover must be the fight that is going to break out as Stormwatch tries to recruit (or recapture?) them.

The Shadow Cabinet Guy disappears (off to his island, he says) to leave Stormwatch to deal with the matters at hand. Tanner heads off to find Apollo and Midnighter while an emergency alarm goes off on board the ship. Something is approaching them inside hyperspace.

Big deal! Everyone in the DC Universe has the power to finish other character's sentences!

Everyone scrambles to deal with the alarm except for Midnighter who recognizes it as an obvious diversionary tactic! He heads to exactly the right place on the enormous ship to catch Tanner stealing Stormwatch Data Disks. And Tanner attacks him with his energy swords! What a dumb dumb! He obviously doesn't realize Midnighter's greatest super power is to beat every opponent he faces!

Before the fight can play out to the end, the Projectionist wanders into the room. Harry grabs her and enters the airlock, launching himself and the Projectionist into Hyperspace where they disappear in a twinkling gold glow. Unless that was Apollo doing something to them. But it probably wasn't.

On board Stormwatch Headquarters, a recorded message from Harry plays. He has set the Alien Horn thing seen in Superman #1 on a timer. When it reaches zero, the Horn blows itself (hee hee) and causes Stormwatch Headquarters to explode! That's the end of this issue but it leads to a mini-crossover in Stormwatch #6, Superman #6, and Grifter #7! I hope I remember to read those issues in that order. I'm sure Superman #6 will remind me to read Stormwatch first. I hope.

Demon Knights #5

Surprise! Etrigan is evil!

First let me say, duh. The Questing Queen is probably Morgan le Fay. Right? Probably. Okay, now back to the action to find out why The Horsewoman put an arrow through Exoristos.

It appears that Horsewoman put an arrow in Exoristos gut to teach her a lesson. Remind me never to take an Adult Education Course from her! She claims she pierced no vitals and Exoristos is tough so, you know, walk it the fuck off, you cry baby. And then when Jason Blood tries to help her, al Jabr gives him a left hook! This team is nuts. I guess that's because they're hardly a team. And I guess they aren't fighting any more than Justice League International would fight.

This is what happens to Blood when he transforms into Etrigan.

Mordru and the Queen use their scrying glass to enter the village as incorporeal beings. Their plan is to offer each of the seven companions a deal to turn on the others. In that way, they can let the companions turn on themselves and Mordru and the Queen can more easily get past the village.

Mordru. You should have let your Queen, a woman, deal with the Amazon!

The Queen notices the Shining Knight and flips out. She recognizes the Shining Knight as Merlin's tool to retrieve the Grail. The Queen feels as if she must personally defeat the Knight to prove that she, the Queen, is worthy of the Grail and ruling New Camelot.

The Queen takes the form of Merlin to try to convince Jason Blood not to turn into Etrigan. Too bad she didn't realize how badly Merlin pissed Jason off by putting Etrigan inside him! Jason instantly transforms into Etrigan and attacks the Queen's incorporeal form.

Etrigan recognizes that it isn't Merlin and the Queen resumes her normal look. She then offers to let Etrigan go and that pisses him off as well!

This Queen needs a refresher on negotiating.

The only one of the companions who seems tempted is Vandal Savage. He slips out of the village, killing a young boy who catches him and tries to raise the alarm. In the morning, the companions gather to defend the village and notice Savage is missing.

Savage has met outside the walls with the Queen. He takes his liberty with her and then orders the troops to release the Wallbreaker! That's an 8 Mana Green Creature with Trample that destroys creatures with Defend that try to block it! It's also when this issue ends!

My guess would be that Savage wasn't actually switching sides but he did kill a small boy in order to do so. So, he's probably a big jerk. Just like Etrigan is a big jerk. And the Horsewoman is a big jerk. And Exoristos is a big jerk. Sheesh. This version of Stormwatch is just like all of the others! Filled with a bunch of arrogant, self-serving assholes!

Resurrection Man #5

Probably the only Slayer song I know the lyrics to.

After Suriel, the avenging angel, kills Mitch, she panics and calls her superiors. You might think that angels have a direct line to God or the Captain Angel or whoever is in charge. But you'd have another think coming.

Do Angels use Androids, iPhones, or burners?

Suriel is in a panic because even though the demons and angels are trying to kill Mitch so that his soul can be recorded and the Everlasting Afterlife Books balanced, apparently angels can kill a person too much. Yes. That's what I said. She might have killed him dead instead of just dead dead.

Look, I didn't write it! I don't know how dead dead is any different from dead! Or how dead dead is less dead than just dead! But the problem seems to be solved if he's killed and that would mean Suriel did her job and everything worked out just fine. And you can't have that! There has to be tension and drama! So it's possible that she killed Resurrection Man in a way that destroyed his soul. Whatever she did to him, he's actually just somewhere hallucinating that he's being rushed into an emergency ward.

The scene than shifts to three years previous and a different super hero.

Guess which page is the ad and which page is from the story!

Deathstroke is outside Basra three years ago fighting terrorists. I'm sure this will make sense in a moment.

There's the connection. That's Mitch in the red jello.

Deathstroke is clearing out enemy combatants for Mitch's covert group (another Covert Group! Sponsored by the NSA and not the UN though) to safely do strange things to wounded soldiers. They're on the battlefield looking for soldiers with mortal wounds to inject with an enhanced soldier process. Not a super soldier serum! Nope! No super soldier serum here! One of Mitch's workers is a woman named Bonnie Hoffman. That's one of the Body Double girls! And one of the critically wounded soldiers they inject with the serum process is Carmen Leno, the other Body Double girl! And the red jello that Mitch is encased in is an anti-ballistic personal force shield system.

The process, Batch 1187, used on Carmen Leno was effective and began to grow back the arm she lost in battle. While transferring her from the Covert Group's secret location, things begin to explode. Mitch tries to get away in his red jello protecto-suit but it can't save him from getting his arm blown off as well! In a desperate attempt to save himself, he injects the process into his stump. Well, he doesn't do it. This guy takes the needle from him and does it for him:

"I'm Preying Mantis! Get it? PREY! With an 'E'!"

This whole origin story memory must have been the hallucination Mitch was having and he really is in the back of an ambulance somehow. His body was obliterated by Suriel in Portland. And Mitch wakes up in the back of an ambulance headed into Arkham. And the EMTs are calling him by name. How and why he ended up here will have to wait until next issue. I don't know enough about Resurrection Man to make any guesses.

Back in Portland, the Transhuman, Bonnie, and Carmen are left to wonder where Mitch is while Suriel the Angry Angel flies off to find him herself.

One final thought on the cover: yet again, another cover that depicts action that happens in a different issue. The Angel and Mitch had their confrontation last issue. And even then, Mitch had super sonic Black Canary powers and not light up flaming hands powers. So another cover that doesn't lie about the story inside; the cover actually appears on the incorrect part of the story.

I, Vampire #5

I, Vampire, may have the best covers of the New 52.

A train arrives in Gotham filled with leftovers from the Vampire Buffet. The vampires who probably did it have infiltrated the Gotham Police Department and turned a number of police into vampires themselves. Andrew and John and Tig notice about fifteen police cars zooming in the opposite direction as they enter Gotham City so they follow them to the train car and the scene of the murders. Andrew turns into mist and goes to investigate. As soon as he transforms back into dead flesh and coagulating blood, he meets DC's biggest star!

I get that it's Batman at night in Gotham City. But can we get some color in this thing somewhere?

I think the choice of color palette in this comic is so that when a vampire finally draws blood, the red of the blood will really stand out against the grays, blacks, and greys of the rest of the book.

Batman kicks Andrew's ass although I'm sure Andrew believed he was doing okay against him. But suddenly a light shines on Batman and Andrew just as Andrew is starting to have a dialogue with Batman. And before Andrew can warn Batman they need to leave and turn into mist, Batman has already disappeared. What a coward!

After a little more information, it turns out there were no bodies on the train. Literally! Everyone on the train had disappeared. The train arrived in the station and even the conductor was missing. Perhaps the Langoliers got them!

Andrew, being Mary's sire, can sense Mary's movements. He knows exactly where she and her vampire army are making camp: the old Gotham Courthouse. The infiltrate the courthouse to look around and end up face to face with Batman again. You just can't get rid of that guy! He should have called himself Bloodhoundman.

I really like the layout of this page and the facing page. And being that most of the New 52 are lucky to have four panels per page, this page has an above average number of panels!

Batman confronts Andrew again, determined to know what he is and why it is in his city. And Tig jumps all over Batman's side because that's the side that's going to win in any altercation!

Batman has a handle on the situation so he decides to work with Andrew for now since Andrew seems to know what's going on. Andrew tells Batman that in the first 48 hours, the transformation to Vampire can be reversed. Probably by killing the sire. Andrew also tells Batman he likes his cape. I think I sense another Romance about to blossom!

Batman and his crew take the elevator down into the basement of the courthouse where the old cells are. It's also where hundreds of vampires are! The elevator opens and the vampires begin to swarm in. But they're stopped by Mary's command.

I hope Batman has a plan!

And that's it for Vampires for another month. The pacing of this comic continues to be well done. The art works for the theme and genre and I really like some of the layouts of the pages. And five issues in, the story and characters have me convinced that this is one of the most solid titles of the New 52. It's well done and worth picking up alongside some super hero titles. Although I bet American Vampire is the vampire book I should be reading! I'll pick up the trades to that when I'm caught up with all of these dumb 52 books!

Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #5

Somehow His Arm Does Exist?

This comic begins with Frankenstein on a mission in Tibet turning Mountain Dwarves into jelly. And this issue gives all the lazy people who couldn't figure out how to decipher Old Portuguese a translation key!

Spoiler: Frank kills him.

I'm not sure why DC finally decided to provide a key to their alien language. Perhaps it was a mistake and they never actually meant to give the fans an easy way to decipher the language. Or maybe they wanted everyone to purchase a copy of Frankenstein, Agent of Shade Issue #5 to get their hands on a copy of the key. It's a pretty good key. It provides 14 letters. Anybody who can't figure out the rest of the letters of any future Old Portuguese statements isn't trying hard enough. Or the future statement is only composed of Qs, Xs, Zs, and Js.

Once Frank is done killing Dwarfs, Father Time's head appears and tells Franky that he's needed at Checkmate Headquarters! Again! Or, um, the first time? Am I just going to read the same story as in OMAC #5 except with different art? So, Frankenstein meets up with Maxwell Lord to find out what his mission is.

How can he know that?! Does he understand the meaning of the word, um, uh, doesn't this seem a little familiar?

Do I really need to comment twice on the same story?

Story Has Already Diddily Ended?

Once again, I read an issue out of order when I really didn't need to. This issue is just a retelling of OMAC #5 with a slight modification of the viewpoint. In OMAC, it seemed as if Brother Eye was getting the better of SHADE.net and reducing its defenses to rubble. But in this issue, those defenses seem to be a trap and allow Father Time and Ray Palmer to download all of the information from Brother Eye. I'm guess they both got information from the other without realizing that the other one was successful.

Brother vs. Father. It's cute the way those labels were juxtaposed in this issue.

The fight with OMAC ends the same way although Frank doesn't throw a gas tanker at OMAC's head. But Frank does lose his arm when OMAC teleports to safety! Frankenstein is evacuated immediately and brought to Nina from the Black Lagoon who is working on a new arm to graft onto his body. She suggests to Frank that she might be able to learn who is body parts belonged to through DNA analysis.

Study His Antique DNA, Extracted?

Can't he undergo past life regression hypnosis?

After he sees Nina, Frank yells at Father Time about being used and storms off into his room. You know, like Hellboy always does! Just like OMAC is really just The Hulk with some satellite talking in his brain, Frankenstein is just Hellboy but green instead of red.

This version of the story was more enjoyable than the OMAC version but there's no way a comic book is going to rise any rungs in the rankings by retelling another story! Sorry, Frank!