I, Vampire #2

Issue two starts off with an introduction to Mary Seward. Now Mary, Queen of Blood. How imaginative! See? She's a vampire and she eats blood. And maybe it's also a play on both Bloody Mary and Mary, Queen of Scots. Or maybe it's not a play on anything and she just really likes blood. Because she's a vampire.

My mind is like a hamster wheel!

Doesn't everyone think it's amazing to be themselves?

Mary, Queen of Blood, has started a revolution. Her vampire army will no longer be relegated to the shadows and the sewers. No more will they hide in dumpsters or cower in sheds. Hmm, vampires are a lot like raccoons.

Last issue, Mary tried one last time to get Andrew to follow her in her conquest of the human world. This issue, though she longs for him to be at her side, she plans to cut off his head.

But she doesn't. She fights with him. He fights back. Neither one's stupid heart will allow them to kill the other. And Mary's vampire army doesn't have the strength or the experience to kill Andrew. So she walks away from the fight while he struggles. And that's pretty much it.

This issue was fairly short on content mostly because it seemed to repeat itself more often than it needed. Perhaps it was trying to be a little clearer and more straight forward than the first issue. You know, blunt. The story repeats the point a few times that the vampires are freedom fighters fighting for their lives. Andrew thinks humans are innocents because he sees them as individuals. Mary sees them as monsters because she sees the atrocities nations and governments can cause. She loves him. He loves her. He threatens to kill her and doesn't. She threatens to kill him and can't.

I'm not convinced this second issue needed to be written. She even remarks how they horrified and humiliated Andrew by killing a bunch of humans in front of him. But we even saw that at the end of the last issue! This issue just seemed like someone thought the first issue was a bit too confusing so they needed to repeat everything here. Kind of lame. But I hope the third issue picks up where the first one left off.

I, Vampire #1

Aren't we as a society done with Vampires yet? Let another monster have its turn, Vampire! Maybe it's time for a sexy, dark romance starring The Blob! Or how about a Tween Story about a shy and virginal succubus that has a gigantic crush on an Angel only to find out he's gay when they finally end up naked together at the Purgatory Bed and Breakfast? It's possible the last Vampire story I read was The Tale of the Body Thief. I think I put that book down and said, "Vampires are over!"
I guess I was wrong!

I, Vampire tells two halves of one story concurrently. The first half revolves around a male Vampire (my guess is this is the title Vampire) in dialogue with a female vampire. The male vampire is different somehow. When he became a vampire, he was never touched by the evil or the demon that inhabits the person when they change. So he's kind of like Angel. He sired the female, Mary. Probably because he loved her and couldn't stand to grow away from her across time. This story has been told before and told well in Tale of the Body Thief. In that book, Lestat eventually gives in and makes the older man he's in love with (whose name I forget) a vampire. But upon making him a vampire, he loses the connection. He still loses the man he loved. It seems the same thing has happened here although the two Vampires seem to have kept it together for 400 years or so. But the female was tainted by the evil or the demon or whatever. And now she wants to rule the world.

Mary has been living on livestock for the sake of the male vampire. But it's not who she is or what she wants. Both vampires have been passing for the last 400 years but she has decided that tomorrow will be different. She and the other vampires will rise up and declare war on the human race. The male tries to talk her out of it but she won't budge. The time has come.

They spend one last night together and when the male wakes, he finds a note from Mary that the war has started. When he looks out his window, he sees bodies littering the streets of Boston. They were all humans but they've all been turned. At this point, the second half of the tale begins and if you were confused the first time reading the comic, now is the time to turn back to the start and read the series of pages concerned with the lone man killing vampires.

The male vampire walks among these bodies beheading the vampires. Vampires in the DC world do not die from the sun. They grow weak and lose their powers. It also seems that a stake through their heart merely immobilizes them. The head must be removed. At one point, the male vampire tells the vampire he's just staked, "I'm sorry. Normally, I'd lock you away somewhere until I could find your sire. But, well, y'know...." Sounds like if the sire is killed, any vampires created by that vampire may revert back to human. But these vampires were made by Mary. And Mary was made by him. So it's possible he needs to be killed to save these vampires. Or maybe just Mary does and he doesn't seem in a hurry to kill her either.

DC Vampires can also transform into wolves. They can fly and possibly turn into bats. The main vampire turns into a werewolfish beast at one point but I don't know if they can all manage that.
The story ends with a bunch of the vampires in Mary's army storming a subway train and feeding on the humans while the male Vampire watches. I'm sure we'll learn his name next issue. Or I can learn it now if he's in DC's Who's Who!

And here it is! The Who's Who Entry of I, Vampire.

His name is Andrew Bennett. Or it was! I don't know if the New 52 I, Vampire will be the same. His first appearance was in House of Mystery #290 (March, 1981). Damn, that series ran a long ass time. His occupation is Vampire. He's 6'3" and weighs 180 pounds. Here are some quotes:

"Bennett was in love with Mary Seward, the queen's personal handmaiden, and trusted her above all others. One night, Mary warned Andrew not to go riding, as she'd had a dark premonition about his fate, but he scoffed at her fears. Bennett went out--and was attacked and bitten by a vampire."

Oh noes! It goes on to say how he was able to resist the dark temptation and maintain a sense of humanity and morality. Mary's love was so great for him that she offered herself to him and he turned her. But she awoke evil and ruthless. So, pretty much what I gleaned from this first issue. That makes this a really well told first issue! And it had a little Mementoish vibe going through it with the two continuous halves of the story being told simultaneously.

Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #4

The most important word in the title of this issue is 'Conclusion'! Not because I want it to end but it is nice to have a storyline stop on the last issue I'm currently reading. I'll be moving on to I, Vampire after this so Franky #5 and #6 will have to wait a bit. The action starts out in the nerve center of SHADE--the Sugar High Adult Diabetes Examination.

The psychics are going crazy and screaming, "Help me!" over and over again (which is a message from the Monster Planet, not Earth like I said before. I think). Scientists and Humanids are running helter skelter, higgledy piggledy and the other ones! Scampering too! It seems the Monster Planet is alive and being sucked dry by the Monsters. So the planet probably resents being referred to as the Monster Planet. The monsters want Earth to suck dry next. So the Creature Commandos can't fail!

While Frankenstein and Nina Black Lagoon have no trouble in the ocean since all of the sea monsters think Nina is their mother, the others are a bit overwhelmed by the Ogres.

Then can't defeat this Ogre Army so Father Time and Ray Palmer reluctantly send in an untested war machine: the Toybox. When it lands on the planet, it releases a War Wheel and a G.I. Robot Squad. This looks like the kind of thing they should have sent in first!

This machine causes the Giant Ogre Titan to explode out of the ground! I don't know how they're going to kill this one because they've already done the get eaten and explode out of its belly routine. Although it does only have one eye, so I think it's time for the stab and/or shoot it in the eye and destroy its brain tactic!

The only problem with that plan is when the story cuts away to Frankenstein and Nina Lagoon, they use the sword in the eye tactic to kill the Sea Monster!

Getting back to Ogre Island, the plan of attack is to take out its eye (surprise!) but also to take out both of its kneecaps with the War Wheels! The Vampire flies the Werewolf up to drop it in the Titan's eye while making a Marvel joke.

After the monster is blinded and crippled, the G.I. Robot Squadron finishes it off. End of all the monsters! But they still have to get off the planet! They have just a few minutes to get through the Portal! Luckily, the Mummy has come around and he flies the Egg Transport to pick everyone up. They all get back in the nick of time! Yay!

This title is a lot of fun. It's the kind of book I would have really enjoyed finding as a kid. And I like that, so far, Frankenstein just kicks ass. He doesn't have to regroup. He doesn't get his ass kicked in the first issue so that he can come back against overwhelming odds to win. He just steps up and defeats the menace. Very good series.

So How About Dat Ending?

Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #3

Spider monsters overwhelm the Creature Commandos on the monster planet they land on through the Bone Lake portal. Their Egg transport needs time to repair itself but they have nowhere to fall back, surrounded by Spider Monsters. Until Khalis the Mummy uses some super cool Genocide power to wipe out the entire species. And people think Superman is overpowered!

Spiders Hunted, Abused, Destroyed, Extinct?

But now that the spiders are gone, Ray Palmer tells the crew that they still have to deal with another continent full of Ogres and an ocean full of Sea Monsters before this planet passes through the Bone Lake portal. Seems like no problem for the Mummy!

Oh, well, I'm sure they can think up another way to genocide two more species!

Some Haters Always Doubtin' Everything?

While they're figuring out a plan, something exciting happens! A gigantic Spider Queen, almost as big as the entire continent itself, breaks through the ground and attacks them! Why is it so big? The Spider Monsters must have just been tiny, tiny spider babies! If this thing gets to that portal, everyone on Earth will be Spider Baby food for its Spider Babies!

Saving Humans And Defending Earth?

The scan of the Spider Queen would normally go here but my scanner can't scan something the size of an entire continent. So you'll just have to use your imagination.

The Creature Commandos decide to lie down and die except for Frankenstein who charges at it swinging his teeny, tiny little sword.

Oh! Let me guess! This is either the part where he gets swallowed by it only to hack his way out from the inside or it's the part where he lands on its face and shoves his sword deep into its brain through one of its eyes! Oh man, I hope I'm wrong on both accounts and Lemire surprises everyone!

Goddamn it!

Oh look! Frankenstein has been eaten! I guess the comic book is over. Yep. He's been swallowed whole. You know what the lesson is here, kids? Never swallow anything alive! Always chew it a bunch first! Or else it's going to come blasting out of your stomach just a few seconds after your meal.

Okay, okay. Who cares if it was predictable? The fact that he runs out of the creature's midsection dragging its heart and then, once clear, stabs the removed heart, made me chuckle. But I'm telling you! These giant monsters need to stop swallowing super heroes!

Swallowing Heroes Always Deadens Eater?

After killing the Spider Queen, the Commandos split into two groups. Frank and Nina from the Black Lagoon head toward the bottom of the ocean to kill the Sea Monster Titan. The Vampire, Werewolf, and Bride head toward Ogre Mountain to kill the Giant Ogre Titan.

Back on Earth in the tiny floating headquarters, Father Time and Ray "The Atom" Palmer pick up a distinct and familiar super power signature in Vietnam. It's someone they have a history with but the issue ends with it remaining a mystery. At the same time, Shade City's psychics (sounds like their Roller Derby Team) start broadcasting a message from Earth itself: Help me!

Shit Happens Again. Damn Earth.

Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #2

The old woman who threatens Frankenstein at the end of last issue turns out to be a batshit child supplier to demons or monsters. Perhaps the town must give up a certain number of children a year in accordance with an ancient prosperity pact. I guess the woman can just be another religious tainted psychopath who kills children because of her belief in some schizophrenic reality. Which is to say no reality at all. Maybe I should have phrased that differently. Frankenstein and the old crazy religious woman have a huge battle for the children.

Okay, the fight actually just lasts the one panel.

I wish more boss fights in video games ended like this. Too often, you end up fighting a boss that takes forever to kill. Why can't you just bust into the final room in the lower levels of the fortress's dungeon to find some old guy on a ventilator whose plans for world domination have gotten out of hand and he's been left behind. So he's lying there, struggling to breathe, tears streaming down his face not because his dream of conquest is about to be crushed by you but because his dream died years ago and he was forgotten. Or, you know, you find a crazy old woman with a cross and bitchslap her across the church in one button push.

We discover the Werewolf is the joker of the unit!

The Creature Commandos discover the monsters are coming out of a temporal rift in the lake that leads to a pocket dimension underneath our own comprised of dark matter. I think if you create an answer with three or four unbelievable things, it makes it easier to digest. While the Werewolf, Vampire, and Mummy remain on shore killing monsters, Frank and Nina from the Black Lagoon dive down into the lake. While they do this, we get Nina's backstory.

Nina lost her little girl and then her husband left, so she became married to her work at SHADE. She and SHADE then began producing babies.

Scientist Hangs About Developing Embryos?

The creatures she produced through her experimentation were failures. They were failures in the same way I was describing how Superboy failed. How he hasn't been given enough time and experience to deal with emotions.

Oh! So as we get Nina's backstory, it looks like we also get the explanation for these monsters! They're probably her babies breaking free from their tiny little monster ant farm.

Or not! That's a lot of skulls!

Okay, so maybe those monsters Nina created aren't to blame. Unless time travel comes into play. Which it still might! I won't give up my theory based on thousands upon thousands of children's skulls!

Frankenstein and Nina encounter a bunch of huge underwater sea monsters. Frank asks Nina about her combat training and she says, "I do yoga?" But she seemed to be fighting fairly decently in the first issue with her chain, so I think she's being facetious and Frank just wasn't being very perceptive earlier. Especially since she's now in the water which is her turf. If water can be described as turf, that is.

Surf-and-Turf Has A Definite Egalitarianism?

Besides killing a bunch of them, Nina and Frank steal one of their brains.

Let me guess. Stealing One's Memories By Implausible Extraction?

S.O.M.B.I.E. is an acronym for Seer Of Mental Brain Image Energy. Of course! I kept trying to use the B for Brain when coming up with my acronym but couldn't make it work. I probably would have gone for Scan instead of Seer. But maybe they want to keep it more mystical to retain the whole monster and creature commando theme they've got going. Although I think my acronym had the same idea.

Implausibly, the SOMBIE thing extracts the memories stolen from the sea monster.

I just adore this picture.

The demons began coming out of the portal after hundreds of years of planning an invasion of Earth because their world began dying. Lady Frankenstein discovered the portal, tried to close it, and was pulled through. So it looks like the Creature Commandos are already going off-world to fight a cosmic threat! And it's also a monster threat!

SHADE Halts Aliens During Evacuation?

They take their Egg Shuttle through the wormhole and discover a planet composed mostly of monsters.

They just needed a little elbow room. It's just the monster's Manifest Destiny!

Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #1

Where the hell did this title come from? House of Secrets in the seventies? House of Mystery? Actually, those are my only two guesses. Maybe it came into existence over the last few years. Wherever it came from, I'm excited to read it! Just look at that cover! Frank fighting with a sword and a chain gun...at the same time! Judas Priest! And the four armed gunfighter chick? Not as cool as Octoflare, the 4th dimensional gunfighting enemy of the Galactic Hero Corps that nobody's ever heard about. But she might be 1/4 as cool! And the domino masked Japanese school girl! Or maybe she's in the Navy. It's hard to tell! The only thing I don't like about the cover is the comic is only rated Teen instead of Teen Plus. Not that I've really been able to tell the difference! Animal Man was Teen Plus and it was tamer than Batman and Robin!

The series begins in Bone Lake, Washington. See how I resisted making a boner joke? A man and his grandson are fishing. Scene set.

Never say anything like this ever even if you think you're not currently in a comic book or horror movie. Just don't tempt fate!

Great! You just know somebody is going to get bitten! And then the dog growls and wanders off into the brush! That's your second warning, Grandpa! Don't follow a growling dog into the bushes! Seriously, people! If we all just thought like Jamie Kennedy's character in the Scream movies, we'd all experience a lot less dismemberment! Because you know this old guy is going to follow the dog into the bushes. And then he's going to find a big pile of meat and blood that doesn't come when you call it. And then he's going to get killed. Although, this is just a Teen book! Maybe he'll just poop his overalls!

I knew this happened because I turned the page after posting the first picture. But we all knew something horrible like this was going to happen just I said when I warned against tempting fate!

The title of this story arc is "War of the Monsters: Monster Town, USA." I think it's going to involve monsters!

S.H.A.D.E. stands for Super Human Advanced Defense Executive. Okay, so it makes sense but I still think the Executive part is a bit awkward. How about Some Hideously Amorphous Deformed Entrepreneurs? Severely Handicapped Awkward Dick Enthusiasts? Sex Having Asexual Dandelion Eaters? I could do this all day!

But I won't.

The SHADE Headquarters (yeah, I'm dropping the punctuation. I've got a life to lead!) exists in a three inch tiny sphere floating around the city. The technology was developed by The Atom, Ray Palmer. Probably because he's one of the classic monsters: the Incredible Shrinking Man. He was a monster, right? He was mean to a cat so that makes him a monster in my book!

Shrinking Heroes Ardently Denying Everything?

Frankenstein arrives in SHADE city for the first time and meets up with his cohort, Father Time. Father Time is the young Asian lady from the cover. He randomly chooses a new body as his host every decade. I'm not sure why he would then choose to have 'Father' as part of his code name. Unless that's his first name!

Stupid Hacks Applying Disingenuous Eponyms?

Frankenstein begins quoting Milton but not on the walls in the victim's blood. Palmer says he's a Keats man so I'm guessing he's going to say "Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That's all you need to know something something something. Or whatever," at some point.

Frankenstein's first order of business is to find out what happened to his bride. Turns out the grandfather was eaten by the monsters and then the rest of the town was as well. SHADE sent Frank's bride in to take care of business but she disappeared when she was getting close to the source. She's the woman with multiple arms on the cover.

Silly Hipsters Against Downloading EPs?

Frankenstein now has six hours to retrieve his wife and stop the army of monsters! Six hours will probably take about four issues.

Frank and Father Time head to Bone Lake but before Frank can begin his mission, he has to be introduced to his new team! None of them are Abbot or Costello. But they are a bunch of monsters! Yay! Dr. Nina is a creature from the black lagoon.Warren Griffith is a werewolf. Vincent Velcoro was a pilot and now is a vampire crossbreed using a modified form of the Langstrom Serum. I remember something somewhere about a Langstrom Serum. But I don't remember which comic it was from. And the final member is Khalis the Mummified Medic! This comic book is about to rock my socks off. Wait, let me put some socks on before I finish this.

Socks Hurled Away Despite Elastic?

I think the mummy Khalis is my favorite so far. He claims to be an actual ancient mummy with powers of life and death. At least he can speak. If he couldn't speak and only went, "Unnnnnhhhhhhh," my pal, I mean, Grunion Guy's pal Super Mummy might have to sue him.

Once inside the town, The Creature Commandos kick a lot of monster butt. They make their way to a church where Khalis can feel the heartbeat of many survivors. Once they break in, they find an old woman and a crapload of children. The old woman, of course, threatens to send them all to hell. Because, you know, they're hiding from monsters and then the rescuers look like monsters! Duh!

Squirrel Hating Assholes Desiring Entropy?

Animal Man #4

While reading DC Comics, I just love to nitpick the little things. Sometimes the writers or editors are making mistakes and other times it's just me getting ahead of the story being told. But since I write these while reading the comic, everyone gets to see when I make stupid guesses at plot or when I say a character isn't acting correctly and then it's explained later. I also like to point out things I think the writer did well when I notice them. This is a bit harder to do because when a writer is telling an engaging story, I may not stop to comment on it.

I really like Animal Man so far. I like a decent amount of the 52 although I'm not sure sometimes how that comes across because it's more fun to complain about stuff.

Um, the point is, I like this bit here:

My first thought as Detective 'Rot' Krenshaw was driving Ellen down the road was "Isn't he going to go weirdo on her again?' And then the next page shows the cutaway of the trunk and the Detective in it. Last issue, the Hunters had mentioned that they can't keep the forms of the people they eat for very long and wish they'd not eaten the zookeepers all at once. So this one shot explains how this Hunter may end up keeping his form for a long while: by eating Detective Krenshaw slowly in bits and pieces.

Sure, that isn't much. But it's a nice tiny non-nitpick to balance out the nice tiny nitpicks. I do miss reading and writing about really bad comics though. Maybe I should read the next Issue of Captain Atom to get my fill!

At the end of my last write-up, I said, "Maxine is yelling, “NO!” which means she’ll probably blast this Hunter into smithereens with her Red Avatar Powers next issue." And then this happens:

See? Smithereens.

Okay, so that was an easy one to guess. I probably won't win any awards for guessing that plot development. Unless someone out there wants to give me one? Perhaps "MOST CHARISMATIC TUMBLREST AWARD!" Or "BEST BLOG NAME EVAR AWARD!" Or "WHY THE FUCK ISN'T THIS ASSHOLE READING ANY MARVEL BOOKS AWARD!"

The Rot's impression of Socrates.

Buddy and Maxine soon get a history lesson from the Totems. And they reveal themselves to be The Parliament of Limbs. Really? Why? So if The Green are Trees and The Red are Limbs, what are The Other? The Parliament of Bones is my guess. That's my guess! You get your own guess! The Hunters Three were members of the Parliament of Limbs who were seduced by the Rot. Now where have I heard that before?

The Hunters goal is to "lay claim to a living avatar" so The Rot's "influence would spread, like a dark cancer in the Life Web." Sounds like a pretty good plan! I think The Rot is some kind of metaphor for something happening within the DC offices! I wonder who the jerk is they're writing about?

After the history lesson, Buddy and Maxine get ready to leave when one of the Totems decides to go with them.

Yay! Another kitty character!

Once it leaves The Red, it can never return. But hopefully it won't die almost immediately like WWII Swamp Thing did!

Meanwhile (What happened to all the Meanwhile boxes that used to litter comics and Super Friend's cartoons? I'm bringing 'em back!), back at Ellen's mother's farm...

Now he reminds me of something from Spirited Away.

While Ellen was inside speaking with her mom, the Hunter made off into the forest with the Detective (still alive) and Cliff. Its head keeps growing and popping out of shape which means it needs to feed. So it sets Cliff down for a moment to eat the Detective's face. And his feet. And his guts. And his bones. And, well, what the hell, his clothing too. Ellen hears the Detective scream, grabs her parent's shotgun, and runs off into the woods to save Cliff. She finds him safe by a river but the Detective is half-eaten and the Hunter has turned into a crazy thing that I won't bother describing because I have a scanner.

Maxine and Buddy return to their home to find Ellen and Cliff missing. And the kitty makes me melt all over my office chair.

I wonder if DC will have a three part miniseries cross-over comic featuring Dex-Starr and Socks Ignatius!?

Who names a cat without socks Socks?! Stupid kids!