Batman and Robin #2

This is the first page of Batman and Robin #2. So Talia is Robin's mom. I don't know who that is. It feels like I should know who that is. If it's a new Catwoman, I know nothing of her.

I think it's just my obsession with Catwoman that makes he think Batman could only have a child with her! One thing you could tell from the previous issue is that Robin was raised by someone with a different set of moral and ethical beliefs than a mainstream 'good' person.

And, once again, I find the conversations between Alfred and Batman to be some of the finest dialogue. I imagine even Alfred's idea of what it means to be a father is quite a bit skewed seeing as the child he's basically raised is a costumed vigilante.

Batman: "I need to fix this kid!"
Alfred: "It's your job to take him out on the street every night fighting criminally insane psychopaths and putting him at risk of injury or death, not to fix him, Master Batman."


Robin's early years.

Why did Robin need to be grown in a glass bubble? Did Talia pull some Snake Ninja trick with her vagina where she caught up Wayne's sperm so she didn't have to gain any pregnancy weight?

And I hope this bit is explored a lot further as well when Batman says, "I built this...life to wage a war, Alfred, not to have kids exposed to all this insanity on a regular basis. But somehow I keep failing in that regard. In a strange way, I'm no better than Talia."

So why have a Robin in the first place?



Oh, sure. Maybe Batman needs a Robin. That kind of makes sense. It keeps Batman grounded in reality. Keeps him at arm's length from his death wish because while protecting a sidekick, he's also protecting himself. But Robin only needs Batman because Batman created Robin and now Robin needs someone to protect him! Here's one of the Sidekick Types I wrote about in my Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators (Copyright ME, Forever):

"The Opposite: This Sidekick provides balance to whatever attitude The Hero has decided to use. If The Hero has decided to go for the vengeful, full of angst and depression savior of the downtrodden, The Opposite Sidekick will end up being a really happy go lucky, perky and cute teenage girl who is into pink ponies and unicorns (or a young boy in green bikini briefs and a yellow half-cape, if you prefer something more feminine). This Sidekick helps out in every situation by keeping The Hero from making any mistakes because he is concentrating so hard on Roller Playing his attitude correctly. The Opposite Sidekick can always just Roller Play the exact opposite way The Hero is and then they’ll be able to solve almost any problem because they can see the whole balanced picture (except maybe the middle)."

Of course, that's the way the old Robin has always been. This Robin throws a new twist into the mix. This Robin is a crazy, amoral killing machine! And he doesn't seem to care as much as Tim or Dick cared about making Batman proud. This Robin is all about the action and excitement. Batman doesn't have to worry about physically protecting this Robin. Batman has to worry about ethically protecting him.


Aww, father/son bonding!

So Batman and Robin bust some guys and leave them hanging. And then nobody shows up to make sure this comic tops the list of the gore thrillers.



Maybe all the blood is just to balance out the fact that you're reading a comic book with FRICKIN' ROBIN IN IT! Or it's just to say, "Hey, look old time DC reader, this isn't the Robin you knew and never loved!"

I should probably slow down while reading this comic! I've already missed two places where I thought about commenting, didn't, and then read further and wished that I did! The first one was this picture that would have gone with the Father/Son Bonding pic:



I would have said something snarky about fatherly praise. But now I don't have to because Alfred did it for me:



Then, Robin was training and destroying the training robots with his swords.


How much money is Bruce Wayne blowing on Robin's rage?

That's something like what I would have said. But I can't know for sure since I didn't actually say it when I wanted to say it. But the thought about how much money it was costing even Bruce Wayne crossed my mind when they show Robin just destroying robots like this.

So the Batcave says: Approximately 1.1 million dollars in damage/replacement costs this week.

And Batman: I'm a billionaire, Damian, not a trillionaire.

I really like these moments because it shows Peter Tomasi is paying attention to what he's writing. He's not just throwing away panels so he can get to the panel where he gets to draw the half naked woman in the bunny ears. He is crafting the story. I just want Peter Tomasi to know this is very much appreciated by this reader.

And then Alfred witnesses Robin acting like a serial killer.







See?! This is a good way to handle Robin! This Robin needs a Batman whether or not Batman existed. This Robin was not created by Batman. But this Robin needs to be shaped by Batman.

The comic ends with Morgan turning up to confront Batman about his Batman Inc project (I guess?). I'm not familiar with Morgan but Bruce thought he was dead. Morgan admits to being Nobody. Morgan also killed Ravil. This all sounds like Batman Begins Bruce Wayne in Tibet learning from a killer cult type stuff that is all vaguely familiar but I don't quite remember.

But it's the New 52! So I don't need to remember! They have to end up explaining it all at some point because they have to assume we're all new readers! Maybe!

I hope!

Batman and Robin #1

I've never really considered Robin a very serious character. He seemed okay on the Batman television show since it was campy and goofy and why shouldn't Batman have a teenage sidekick?

But in the comic book world, Robin just seems outdated. Just the concept of a young sidekick seems dangerous and irresponsible. And how popular can Robin be that when the fate of the Jason Todd version was left up to DC's readership, they voted he should die! How awful and horrible is that?

I was pretty floored by that result back when it happened. But those were the days before the internet and Xbox Live when many of us were still innocent and believed that the majority of people were not assholes. Yes, yes. We now know better.

I don't have any love for Robin myself. Here's a picture of me on Halloween when I was 3 or 4 years old. My sister and I went as Batman and Robin.



Fuck no! Even at three years old I wasn't going to be Robin! We went as Batman and Batman, motherfucker! My cousin Jerry was apparently Sgt. Rock. Heck, this was 1974 when every kid wanted to be a fucked up Vietnam Vet! Good costume choice, cuz!

I knew this guy Chris who had a twin brother. His parents had a picture of him and his brother when they were younger dressed as Batman and Robin. To this day, neither one will admit that he was Robin in that picture.

So is Robin going to suddenly become cool like Aquaman? Is everyone going to jump on the Robin bandwagon and say how much they've always loved Robin? That he's always been their favorite just behind Aquaman?

I want to say hell no. But I keep looking over at the cover for Batman and Robin #2 and I can't help but smile.


I think I'm going to like this Robin.

The comic starts out with some guy in Moscow acting like Russian Batguy and threatening some other guy. And then some invisible guy turns up and turns Batman and Robin #1 into the most violent comic of all the 52s I've read so far!



That's a guy getting his brains blown out! Pretty graphic for a kid's comic book! This is a kid's comic book, right? It has Robin in it! But then, I've always thought Archie was a kid's comic as well and this is the current Archie Mini-Series:


I'd even bang Veronica when she's a zombie!

After this guy gets shot through both eyeballs, the Batcommie has all of his limbs broken by the invisible person claiming to be Nobody.

And then we're back to Batman. And Robin. I don't know anything about this Robin. I don't even know if this Robin is brand new to the 52 Universe. I knew about Dick Grayson and Jason Todd and Tim Drake. But that's it. This Robin is named Damian Wayne. He calls Batman/Bruce Wayne father. So he's either adopted or Bruce Wayne's biological kid. Probably via Selina Kyle.

And once Robin starts talking, I'm redeciding whether to like him or not. He's a little cynical jerk! I don't even know how old he's supposed to be but I'd guess ten. Maybe he's twelve and just small for his age. What are the legal age restrictions on sidekicks? He also might be a robot. Or an alien life form.

Batman brings Robin to visit the site where Robin's grandparents were gunned down. Batman says it will be the last time he'll commemorate the anniversary of their deaths. Robin acts snotty and bored. Like a 10 year old that would rather be out fighting crime!


See?! That's something the son of Catwoman would say!

And Batman responds thusly:



So Robin is ten years old. And it looks like he only recently came into Batman's life. This shines a good light on his attitude. A boy brought up without a father suddenly being reintroduced to him a decade later. This also would make him feel more comfortable to snap back at Batman and make Batman less comfortable with reprimanding him.

What we've got here is Divorced Father Syndrome. But where was Robin prior to all of this? With Catwoman's grandparents?

Anyway, that explains all of that! Now I can get on with the rest of the book knowing a good deal about the dynamic duo's dynamic.

Batman and Robin next rush off to stop some criminals from stealing irradiated fuel rods from Gotham City University's Research Reactor. They get there and they fight and the bad guys are getting away with loads of radioactive fuel. They end up in a Gyro Vehicle thing and Robin goes after them while Batman tells him not too. Batman must stay behind and stop a reactor breach while Robin cuts the stabilizer on the Gyro ball and it goes all wonky. The criminals within are doused in radioactive fuel and the vehicle explodes. So Batman and Robin have this discussion:

Batman: "They had tanks of irradiated fuel on their backs--did you give one second of thought to the repercussions?"
Batman: "We don't have a license to kill. You follow my orders or--"
Robin: "I did not kill them and I can handle myself."
Batman: "It's more than just handling yourself--I want you to control yourself."
Robin: "I'm not like Tim, or Jason, or even Dick. I'm light-years ahead of all the past Robins in skills and training. I'm either your partner in this or I'm not."
Batman: "You're not my partner, you're my son. And if I can't trust you to do what I think is right, then--"
Robin: "Even Dick trusted me--why can't you?"
Batman: "You have to earn it."
Robin: "And how long is that going to take?"
Batman: "I'll let you know."

That was a whole lot of synopsis but I figure this whole Batman and Robin relationship needs to be documented or I'll forget it by the time I read Issue #6!

So there was also a Jason Todd. I guess he's the Red Hood of Red Hood and the Outlaws? I wonder if he died and came back to life in this universe as well! Or maybe he just left Batman's side because Batman is a big dick control freak. Not that I know the size of Batman's dick! I just meant he's a big jerk!

Okay, Batman and Robin. I'm curious as to how this whole thing is going to play out and how it even came together.

It's also made me think I need to reread the 52 Graphic Novels. Maybe there are some clues about how this 52 universe works. I wonder if the stories between these new 1st issues and the 52 storyline are supposed to be canon? Maybe I should do some online research! But I don't want any spoilers! Hey Anonymous! Find out what the hell is going on in the DC Universe! Sheesh! Oracle was easier to contact than you!

Recap of the first 20 Comics of the New 52 (Issues #1-5)

I'm not quite halfway through reading the first batch of New 52 comics. I'm reading Issues #1-5 of the first 52 before I start reading Issue #6 of any of the comics I've already read. It'll be awhile yet before I catch up to the current issues.

But I thought I'd put some minor reviews together on the comics I've read so far. Very minor and very brief. Mostly because I look at the 20 rankings over on the side and I don't think it gives a really clear picture of how I feel about the comics I've been reading. In general, it's a good way to see what I like and don't like. But there are a bunch in the middle that I think could really be placed together.

First off, the comics I think are must reads if you're a DC Comics fan. That part of the list is easily read and the comics among the top five are probably interchangeable depending on your bias toward the heroes. Now, I wouldn't normally expect my favorite comics so far to be members of the Justice League. I never really followed these heroes very closely. But it makes sense so far because I've only read Justice League, Superman, and Batman related comic books!

The top four must reads are Batman, Action Comics, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman. The Deadman story was great but since it's in a DC Universe Presents format, I have no idea what the quality of the next storyline will be (I believe it's a Challengers of the Unknown story). These books are all very well written with thought out plots and good characterization of the title heroes.

The next three on my list, Flash, Batwoman, and Mister Terrific are comics that I think are very high quality. They're definite must reads if you enjoy those characters. I think Mister Terrific is possibly the weakest here because the character isn't really one I would think could handle his own title (although I guess the same could be said for Batwoman!). And Mister Terrific might not be a favorite for logic nerds and the anti-camp camp. I liked it a lot because of some of its preposterous things being said. If Eric Wallace wasn't a black man himself, I might have called much of the comic racist! I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't cut him some slack just because of that. But I think a lot of things can and/or need to be said by people within the community. Like Aaron McGruder's Boondocks. A fucking fantastic work that many, many, many people in varying camps will proclaim is racist and NOT-HELPING! And whether it is or isn't, it is still pure genius.

Now Mister Terrific isn't pure genius. But it is fun and Eric Wallace is having fun writing it. That goes a long way toward a good comic book read.

The Flash I was on the fence about for a few issues just because of the heavy focus on Mob Rule (a name I despise). But it all came together quite well at the end of its first five issue story arc. And I love the art. Manapul and Buccellato are doing a great job over there.

Batwoman looks pretty good as well. It sort of flip flops between thick lined cartoony (sort of Mike Allred looking but less flat) and sweeping painting-like panels. The story relied quite a bit on past universe continuity but there's no reason that Batwoman's life can't be exactly the same in each continuity. I think because she was created in the 52 Maxi-Series, she's really retained all of her baggage since then. Except, of course, where that baggage changes the other characters as well. Like Dick Grayson being Batman after Batman died. Things like that! I think this comic has a ton of potential and it's working really well in the first five issues.

The next three are as high as they are because they're doing a lot of things well. But they're also filled with some cliche crap and some awkward story telling, so they haven't made the top cut. While I think a lot of DC fans would put Batwoman beneath these comics, I think Williams and Blackman (Batwoman creative team) have a much tighter control of the story they're telling than the creative team of these three comics.

Superman is packed full of information and characterization. I like this aspect of it. It's working well on all the Clark Kent levels. But the Superman story is confusing and, possibly, relying on knowledge of the old Universe. I can't be sure of this because I don't have this knowledge. But I'm suspecting that the Fire and Ice Supermen in this have some relation to the red and blue Supermen that appeared after Superman's death in the nineties. They do seem to be of some Kryptonian origin and let loose after Superman disappeared. I thought maybe Superman floating in space at the end of Issue #5 was because he was there after bringing the fire one into space to stop it. But I began to suspect afterward that perhaps we don't know why Superman was in space. And that he was there at the beginning of this comic which is why a bunch of people continually mention Superman's absence. It's a bit confusing and everytime the Aliens spoke the alien language, it was nonsense or, literally, 'gibberish'. I think that could have been done better as well.

Firestorm just has too much action right now when they need to establish the characters better. Jason and Ronnie fight too much just because the comic needs them to be rivals of some sort. It never feels natural. But I'm having fun reading it, so it remains high up the list. Although most of the fun might be on my side of things. And my infatuation with Ronnie's possibly racist mother.

Justice League International I have a soft spot for. I like that this is and will continue to be a light-hearted comic book. But it's difficult to write scenes with this many people in the fight all of the time. The fight's tend to end up being throw one guy at the bad guy at a time which is stupid if you have a group fighting a foe. I think they can do a lot more with this comic. The initial storyline was too cliche to give this title a really good ranking. New and very powerful bad guy appears and wins every fight for four issues before finally being driven out of the solar system by the team finally using team work and everybody showing their strengths. Plus, a good portion of the Earth was ripped apart and no major consequences.

The next five comics I think people will continue to read only if they like the title character. Tony Daniel's take on Batman is just cliche crap, mostly. But I like that the story was set up like a detective story. Like the title suggests! But people sympathizing with The Joker when he is plainly just a homicidal lunatic is painful. Setting up the Mayor as Batman's main rival should have potential down the line, especially if every bust Batman makes, the Mayor can reverse as he sees fit. If it helps his career. I imagine putting Gotham at too much risk won't really help his career. But he definitely wants Batman and Gordon out. So that has potential. But with Snyder's Batman comic being so well done, who needs this one?

Teen Titans and Superboy basically go hand in hand. And I do like that they're using characters from Grant Morrison's run on Doom Patrol with the Men from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and Danny the Street. I mean, Danny the Street! Seriously? Who would even recognize that Kid Flash was saved by Danny the Street unless you were a huge fan of Morrison's Doom Patrol? Just fantastic. But not fantastic enough to be a good book! The new Titans aren't interesting yet at all. Skitter? A character that couldn't even join the big Superboy fight because she had to go cocoon up? And then when she is Skitter, she'll indiscriminately attack whoever! And I can't even remember the name of the smoky black girl. Oh, Solstice! Not entertaining yet. I guess Bunker may end up being fun if his powers weren't so stupid. And Tim Drake as Red Robin? Who thought up that name? And since it's a Reboot, can't we change it since it sucks?

Justice League I imagine will get better. Once they get the group situated and they stop having to learn about each other with the introductions, I'm hoping it'll take off. The same with Supergirl. I think there is a ton of potential in this comic. The writing shows signs of being a decent comic and the art is good. But it's done in five issues what really should have been two at the most. Someone needs to recompress the fuck out of this book.

The last four just suck. These are four that should have been cancelled. I think the first wave of canceled books in DC's New 52 were mainly low sales due to the title character not being interesting enough. When I first saw the 52 titles, I told my girlfriend that I normally would not pick up Mister Terrific, Blackhawks, Static Shock, Men of War, and OMAC! (I probably included Batwing because WHO? And Catwoman because it was being written by Judd Winnick (total bias on my part. Maybe I'll learn he's a good writer when I get to Batwing and Catwoman)). But I nailed five of the six issues that were canceled before I'd read any title except Suicide Squad! That's not precognition on my part! I'm pretty sure most other DC fans felt the same way. Blackhawks and Men of War? Boring! (Although when I made that statement about which books I wouldn't have picked up, I didn't know Men of War was a Sgt. Rock book! I would have given it a decent chance just for that). Static Shock? Never interested in the cartoon. Mister Terrific? HORRIBLE NAME! And O.M.A.C.? Again, what? One Man Army Crouton? Although knowing Giffen is on the creative team now, I would have given it a shot.

But those were my first instincts and five of them were canceled. DC might have done well to run these titles past some fans.

Oh yeah! Back to the four titles I've read so far that should have been canceled. Captain Atom, apparently, was the 7th worst selling title. Just missed the cancellation cut-off! That book was shit. It had one moment at the beginning of Issue #3 that I thought it could work. Issue #3 should have been issue #1 and J.T. Krul should have followed the line he was on with Captain Atom having survivor's guilt and questioning the meaning and purpose of the himself and the universe. It could have worked.

And Green Arrow? Fuck. Again, J.T. Krul. Horrible concept on this title. Green Arrow is going after people with super powers who party too hard. Just because he has a problem with them being famous. This Green Arrow garners no sympathy and was completely unlikable. He's already turning around with Giffen writing him (at least he's likable even if the story is still crap). And he's getting a new creative team in Issue #7. So there's hope.

And Savage Hawkman (written by Tony Daniel whose Detective Comics really could be cancelled as well! Although I don't see Detective Comics ever being canceled! They'll just replace the creative team) is just a confusing mess about an uninteresting character. Although, again, this one COULD have been interesting! I guess it still can be. But get back to how it started! Why was Hall trying to destroy the Hawkman gear? Why did it fuse with him? There is potential here if it isn't ignored or canceled soon.

Batman: The Dark Knight. This is my favorite of the titles I think suck. I'm really enjoying writing about it. But it's just crap trying to be profound. It's crap trying to show us an aspect of Batman that you rarely see: his fear. But it's coming off so poorly. Scarecrow knows too much about Batman too! Batman's bravado in the first two issues is seen as just that. We see Batman does have some fears. But it plays as if he's being affected by fear toxin when, I guess, he really hasn't been (until issue #5. But issue #4, he seems affected when he shouldn't be). And what was that Deathstroke bit? Perhaps it'll all be explained when The White Rabbit is explained. But until then, it's just cliche crap parading around in a masquerade mask trying to act profound.

So that's pretty much it. The top batch are good. The bottom batch suck. And the ones in the middle are sometimes entertaining and sometimes awful! But I love reading the awful ones just as much as the good ones! I'd be pissed off though if I were spending $3 on a shitty ass comic and just reading it across five minutes. I understand why I'm going to keep buying Captain Atom. But I can't understand why anyone just reading comics to enjoy them would keep plunking down cash for that colostomy bag.

Batman: The Dark Knight #5

This comic doesn't start out with Batman being pummeled to death by the Scarecrow. But it does start out with Batman being psychoanalyzed by the Scarecrow.



I really hate this shortcut in writing. Batman has been thinking about fear throughout these five issues and now Scarecrow suddenly shows up to say a bunch of things that relate to what Batman has been thinking about. And he nails it immediately!

It's probably the main reason I stopped watching House. I really liked the character interactions for a few seasons. But then I just had enough of every stranger coming in off the street and somehow skewering House to the wall even though they didn't know him and he didn't know them. They'd just, out of the blue, nail him on some personality flaw or fear he had or some other incredible insight into the man they didn't know until the previous day. It's just lazy writing. And I know lazy writing!



Crane continues his fortune cookie psychology. For a great master of fear, he really stumbles on this one. He's just spouting text book lines that could apply to any Super Hero. If you're pathological enough to dress up as a super hero and run around saving lives, putting yourself and your uncostumed persona in danger, you're going to have some serious issues like this. Saving lives a compulsion? Yeah. That probably fits every costumed hero.

By using his fear Toxin on Batman, Scarecrow gains the upper hand and injects Batman with his anti-fear toxin. I guess chemically the two don't cancel each other out because Batman freaks out and becomes all Bane-like. But Superman arrives on the scene! Again, the super villain somehow hears Superman coming. Maybe it's the fanfare that always plays when Superman arrives.



Batman and Superman have big battle. Mostly it's Superman trying to calm Batman down and Batman throwing punches and saying things he's going to regret later.


Oooh! I wonder which one is the pervert?! Green Lantern?

Batman finally calls Superman a 'fascist control freak' which is pretty spot on and Superman knows this because he finally has had enough and hurls Batman to the ground. The drug wears off (probably because it couldn't take full control because Batman was on the fear toxin as well) and Superman lands to see Batman busted up on the ground.


Whoops.

Batman: The Dark Knight #4

Apparently Batman contacted all of the Justice League to help him corral all of the escaped Arkhamians. But Flash is the only one who responded. And then he pricked his thumb on one of Poison Ivy's plants last issue and Batman told him to outrun the poison.

No, no. Really. He said that Flash had to outrun the poison! By running really fast, The Flash's heart rate will speed up enough so that he never metabolizes the toxin. Is that how that works? He doesn't just metabolize it faster? Where's my fact checker, Anonymous? I need him to explain this one to me!

The other Justice League Members can't help corral the escaped Arkhamians because, well, they're off corralling all of the escaped Arkhamians!


I do not know what Wonder Woman is looking at while she relays this message to Batman.

Wonder Woman is looking particularly young and shiny here. While Batman still looks ravaged and grim in his mask. I wonder if David Finch just spent all of his time in art school drawing naked women (with models!) and ignoring drawing men (because of naked models!)? I think he just gets bored drawing the men so he doesn't care. He just sloppily gets them out of the way and then spends all day drawing the naked women. I wonder why he didn't get the Birds of Prey job?

I just glanced through the credits of the other 52 comics to see if David Finch was doing anything else and he wasn't. But Paul Jenkins, the co-plotter of this book, wrote the Deadman comic which was terrific. So I wonder if Jenkins has just been saving all of his good ideas for that comic and then just making some easy money agreeing to all of Finch's ideas for this book while he browses the web and plays Facebook games.

Next, we see Gordon leaving a message on Bruce Wayne's phone.



Why does everyone connect Batman and Bruce Wayne? Isn't that counter intuitive to having a secret identity? The whole point is so that people can't mess with Bruce Wayne or people close to him just to get some kind of control over Batman. But everyone already thinks they have some kind of link, it's just going to cause trouble! How did everyone make this connection? Because Batman is running around throwing Batarangs with the Wayne Tech label on them?

It just seems way too careless of Batman for this set-up to happen. I guess he just has to learn in the new universe!


I did not photoshop this. I wish I did. But I didn't.

The best thing about this comic is Alfred. I think maybe Paul Jenkins is writing all of the Alfred stuff. Because of Deadman, for now, I'll pretend Paul Jenkins is a good writer who is letting David Finch carry the weight of this comic. But until he writes a third comic (or his Challengers of the Unknown run of DC Universe Presents sucks (if he writes that story too)), I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

The comic begins (yes, I'm revisiting the beginning!) with this batch of Batman Narration Boxes:



In the first few issues, Batman went on and on about not feeling fear. Then he made a comment about possibly fearing living. Stupid. But now he's making a comment that he suffers from the fear that the ones he loved will get hurt and it will be his fault. And yet he's somehow allowed for everyone in Gotham to tie Batman with Bruce Wayne? Bah! Pshaw!

Stop writing each issue as if they have no relation to the other issues! That's my job! Writing stream of consciousness bullshit as I read the comics. But I'm not getting paid! Fucking plan your book a little better than this, Mr. Finch. Go read Snyder's Batman and learn a little something about story telling.

I'm just going to assume that Batman got some sort of fear toxin in his blood breathing the stupid toxin filled air of stupid Poison Ivy's stupid lab. If that doesn't end up being the case, then you can believe that that's what Finch meant to do as well.

And then, well, fuck. Here. You look.



Deathstroke on the drug. And Batman somehow knew Deathstork (hee hee) would show up. Really? Again. REALLY? Batman, you fucking genius! You're better than Sherlock Holmes, you intuitive mother fucker!

And where did Deathstroke come from? Well, Batman was flying at 4000 feet in the Batplane. And the Batplane took off out of the BatHanger which is in the Batcave which Deathstroke probably doesn't know about. And Deathstroke can't fly (at least not last time I read his comic. I haven't read the new 52 version yet). And Deathstroke would not have been in Arkham Asylum. Deathstroke beats up Batman and throws him from the plane. Deathstroke also falls from the plane. Batman saves himself by gliding into the top of a tree and then using his Batgrapple to stop his plummet. Deathstroke just isn't seen again.

So what the fuck is going on here? I will not accept that Deathstroke took part in this. And Batman is acting all scared when he claimed he was never scared. So is Batman on some sort of hallucinatory fear drug? Did The White Rabbit manage to do something to him? Just before Deathstroke attacks, he finds a bottle of something in the Batplane's cockpit wrapped up in a present. Perhaps this caused Batman's hallucination (because there is no way Deathstroke took part in this. The comic does have editors even though I'm not sure they know what they're doing). Plus, as Batman flew by, The White Rabbit who was hiding in some bushes somewhere in Gotham did this to him:



I don't know what she did. Maybe teleported the box with the drink in it into the Batplane. Or caused Batman to hallucinate Deathstroke and bail out of the plane on his own. Who knows?

But the comic does end the way every other issue ended (except the Poison Ivy one but it was playing on the way the others ended so it kind of counts):



And you can still score some more points by finding the plagiarized lines! Sure, some might call it 'quoting' here. But after all the other places where plot and lines were lifted straight out of other sources, I'm going to stick with plagiarizing.

Batman: The Dark Knight #3

Even Batman's mask is full of lines. And what's that pink gas?

This is how Issue #3 starts. This is the first panel of the comic.



At the end of last issue, The Batman had just walked in on The Joker heavy petting his Bunny Girlfriend. I guess that whole thing turned into a fight. But wait! Isn't that what happened between issues #1 and #2 as well? Batman confronted Two-Face in the last panel where Two-Face said the impossibly stupid "I'm One-Face!" line and then the beginning of Issue #2, Batman was already bloody and beat up.

Let me guess how Issue #3 ends! Let's see. The cover of Issue #4 has Batman tangled in vines. So the last page of Issue #3 is going to be Batman confronting muscle-bound Poison Ivy who will say, "Looks like my garden is full of vermin!" And then the first panel of Issue #4 will be Batman being hurled against a tree by a vine.

So The Joker turns out to not be The Joker at all. Another big twist! Especially considering The Joker doesn't have a face anymore. The Joker is Clayface.


Clayface bleeds? I just assumed he was all weird clay shit.

And after some really bad dialogue (presumably because Clayface is bad at writing Joker material and not that Finch & Jenkins are horrible writers), we get to the panel that David Finch couldn't wait to draw.


I want to see this panel from the other side!

The White Rabbit uses a sexy car metaphor to make it known that she wants to bang Batman and then prepares to shoot him up with her Bane Drug which I still can't remember the name of. Venom! Okay, so she has a supply of Venom and she's sticking it in every crazy person in Gotham giving them super strength and Hepatitis. But just before Batman gets a dose, The White Rabbit seems to hear The Flash running towards them. Must be her big fake ears.


Doesn't he usually vibrate through these things?

Here we see The Flash smashing into the side of a train at super speed. Of course the train is destroyed and The Flash is fine. Which means I don't want to see The Flash hurt by being punched by anyone (even Superman) because he seems to not feel forces that would splatter a normal person into paste.

So far there is no indication as to why Batman informed The Flash to back him up. Perhaps he was hoping The Flash could catch The White Rabbit whose super power seems to be not being able to be caught. Except that would mean that The Batman would have to know that from the one time he saw the White Rabbit in Arkham and she happened to slip away. I guess Batman is just a great big detective.

Oh, Batman is also a great big asshole.



Is this who Finch and Jenkins really think Batman is? Some jerk with the GCPD Internal Affairs starts hassling him and he treats the guy like this? Physical intimidation? Destruction of the guy's property by dropping Clayface on it. Is this supposed to solve the problem? Hey, Batman! Shouldn't you just continue to be stoically ignoring these moronic bureaucrats instead of acting like a royal fascist douchebag?

Yeah, the guy fires a shot at Batman! But Batman just dropped Clayface on Forbes's car while Forbes was standing right next to it. The shrapnel and glass could have injured Forbes. As well as the largely drawn KRAKOOOM which had to have made Forbes a little bit deaf.

I don't expect Batman to act this way with civilians. But this is THE DARK KNIGHT title. So I guess he's supposed to be a big jerk.

After all this happens, Batman goes on a date with Jai, the shiny woman with no lines he met at the charity dinner. And this date makes me suspect that Batman isn't the great detective I've been giving him (and the bad writing) credit for!


So what this page is basically telling the reader is that she really is the White Rabbit.

Here is the great detective at work:

Batman: "Who is this White Rabbit? She's a hot white chick with pale white skin. She's barely wearing anything but she *is* wearing a mask, so she could be anyone."
Batman: "Do I know any other hot babes in Gotham? Oh yeah! Jai! But she's all brown skinned. But she's the only other woman in this storyline! So she must be The White Rabbit!"
Batman: "I know! I'll go on a date with her and have Alfred keep an eye out for White Rabbit sightings! Because there's no way she can be in two places at once! I mean, I, BATMAN, do that all the time to trick people. But not this White Rabbit who can't be caught because her super power is not being late but not being able to be caught!"
Batman: "Why do I have to deal with so many Alice in Wonderland villains?"
Bruce Wayne aka Batman's penis: "That White Rabbit sure is hot though. Maybe now that I know Jai and the White Rabbit are two different women, I can bang them both at the same time!"

Since Finch & Jenkins have now proven that Jai is not the White Rabbit, my guess is that she really is. Even though the skin tone is completely different. And The White Rabbit has red eyes instead of green eyes. Those are obviously costume changes. Because they do look similar. But I can't tell if that's because they're the same person or Finch can only draw one female with different color skin and hair.

His men all have fish lips for some reason!

Batman continues to investigate the toxin and realizes it is 99% Virgin Star Cactus, the rarest plant on Earth! Which leads to the conclusion that...



...is behind it all! And my prediction as to how this comic ends moves one step closer to fruition! Except I didn't know that Poison Ivy is part of The Birds of Prey. But Batman says he can't trust the Birds of Prey, so that's a good sign! I imagine he can't trust them because one of their members (the one I didn't know) uses guns. Which, really, is just weird in the DC universe. Plus maybe he and Katana had a really, really bad falling out that I just don't remember. Oh wait, this is a new Universe anyway. So probably no Batman and the Outsiders.

Batman heads to Ivy's lab to investigate and finds this:



Whew. I'm glad I didn't bet $1 on this outcome! No super massive Poison Ivy to fight! The big twist in this one is that it didn't end with a musclebound villain! WHAT A TWIST! I think I need to keep referring to this comic as The Dark Knight Shyamalan.

This ending doesn't mean that the next issue won't begin with Batman being thrown through a wall though! So there's still hope for that.

Batman: The Dark Knight #2

Still reading Batman comics!

So Two-Face is now dangerous because he's a gigantic muscular lout. Like Bane. Or Killer Croc. Why not just use one of those guys? Why the need to turn Two-Face into something he's not? Why not make THE FURY OF THE PENGUIN? Or THE FURY OF THE RIDDLER?! Or the MAD HATTER!? Or the VENTRILOQUIST?! Why not drop all the gimmicks that make Batman's foes so special and just make them clones of Bane or Doomsday?

Maybe the story inside is better than the Christy cover.

In the first panel of Issue #2, we discover that Batman is a big liar.



After he went on and on and on about not being afraid of anything, now he says that, well, okay, maybe he's afraid of living. Which, by the way, is stupid. Not being afraid of dying in the line of some crazy belief of justice you dreamed up because you're parents died when you were tiny doesn't mean you're afraid of living. Batman may have some sort of death wish. But that doesn't mean he's afraid of living. What kind of stupid, profound line of lame philosophical thinking are they trying to squeeze out of Batman here.

Batman. Afraid of living. Stupid!

Oh, but Batman isn't the only person in Gotham going on and on about fear!


Extroverts love this stupid platitude.

So it's fear that keeps us from really living. But it's Batman's lack of fear that keeps him from really dying. Or is it his love of death that makes him fear living? Or maybe his fear of life makes him have no fear of living?

Batman nearly dies while Two-Face is giving him a lecture on waking up to life and having no fear and doing whatever you want to do no matter how many Batmen you have to kill to do it. And then Two-Face conveniently bleeds from every orifice (at least the ones on his face) and passes out.


Why would the police department be sued? Shouldn't Doctor Arkham be the one in legal trouble? Fuck you, Finch & Jenkins, for not understanding your world before you set a story in it!

Alfred and Batman analyze the drug that Two-Face was shot up with and realize it has similarities to Scarecrow's fear toxin. Of course! Since Jenkins and Finch keep beating the reader about the face with the word fear, I should have guessed. Also, Issue #5 has the Scarecrow on the cover!

Oh! And look, THE FURY OF THE VENTRILOQUIST! Right on time!



Robin and Nightwing are battling this bruiser. Do Batman and Nightwing have shared custody of Robin?

Batgirl is being chased around by Zsasz who is acting even more psychotic than usual.

Katana, Black Canary, and the other Bird of Prey I don't know are busy with a gigantic, muscular Clock King.

And Batwoman is fighting The Scarlet Pimpernel or whatever Batman foe is a pirate dandy.

So Gotham is a little bit out of control. I wonder who Hitman is fighting?

Eventually all of this chaos leads Batman to a train headed out of Gotham. On the train, he encounters the naked bunny lady who is working with The Joker.


Here's a game: Count all of the sources Finch and Jenkins plagiarize across the first two issues!

Wait a second. The Joker has his face again? Batman makes reference to him 'being back already' when he's talking with Alfred. I don't know if that's supposed to mean since he disappeared without his face or some other time. Maybe Batman: The Dark Knight takes place outside of the normal timeline and just tells stories from Batman's career. Or maybe that's not really The Joker.

I think Finch & Jenkins probably also had a screaming match with Tony S. Daniel that ended in a big, "Fuck you, we're using The Joker even if you cut his stupid face off!"