No, I do not own Issue #12.
I guess it's time to read a cartoon? What was I in 1992? A child?! No, I was a grown-ass man by then, according to scientific biological consensus with how human beings age if not by the measure of my maturity or income or quantity of sex I'd had. I don't remember being particularly excited about Batman: The Animated Series, or maybe I wanted to be but it just didn't happen. Because I do remember, after all this time, that the first episode featured Man-Bat. I probably tuned in excitedly for the first episode and then couldn't be bothered to remember to watch the second episode because I was having so much sex that day. By the time the 3rd or 4th episode would have been airing, I would have been turning 21 and riding a mechanical bull because, at the age of 12 or so, my friend Bob Henline and I made a pact to ride the mechanical bull at the Saddle Rack when we turned 21 (he turned 21 two days before the first episode of Batman: The Animated Series aired). And that we did! On a side note, the lady who was allowing me to touch her taint while I came in my pants was there that night. She gave me a Lobo t-shirt for my 21st birthday. I was so cool! Drinking! Riding mechanical bulls! Sort of having sex! Getting a Lobo t-shirt! Purchasing and reading The Batman Adventures! What a life I once led!
Now my life is remembering my life. Which is pretty good too because I don't get exhausted from having lived it and I can sit in the shade with an iced tea and do absolutely fuck all.
The first episode of this comic book cartoon begins with The Penguin playing the part of Pelafina while his henchmen play the part of Johnny Truant and The Penguin is all, "Get thee to an OED!"
Now my life is remembering my life. Which is pretty good too because I don't get exhausted from having lived it and I can sit in the shade with an iced tea and do absolutely fuck all.
The first episode of this comic book cartoon begins with The Penguin playing the part of Pelafina while his henchmen play the part of Johnny Truant and The Penguin is all, "Get thee to an OED!"
I guess I could have also made an Infinite Jest Hal Incandenza memorizing the dictionary reference.
Do you think Danielewski and Foster both inserted these "the main character knows the dictionary backwards and forwards" moments in their books because they themselves couldn't help but use all the great big words they spent their entire childhoods obsessing over learning so they could seem better than all of us plebes who spent our time outside the house having fun? But also, there's the ambiguous narrative of both texts as to who's really writing and/or directing everything? The readers all know it's ultimately the author. But the author, being (typically) outside of the narrative, must be left out of the equation. So do the characters use words they shouldn't know in Infinite Jest because James Orin Incandenza has been directing their lives from the after life, a ghost putting his thoughts into people's heads, directing his final version of Infinite Jest (obviously a massive retelling of the story since the first five (or was it six?) Infinite Jests were of the PGOAT apologizing to her baby for birthing it into this world of pain, the baby being played by the audience via camera tricks and perspective, an audience who were technologically reduced to that of the infant character by holographic lenses invented by James?
What I'm trying to say is that everything you need to know to understand Infinite Jest resides in the footnote that lists James Orin Incandenza's filmography. And everything you need to know about House of Leaves resides in Blair Witch II: The Book of Shadows. Okay, maybe that's not right. But you will find loads of titties in that so it's worth a viewing.
The Penguin, angered at being called an idiot, very nearly shoves his umbrella up the nose and into the brain of the guy who insulted him. But at the last minute, everybody remembers this is a comic book based on a cartoon and exposed brains shouldn't be a part of it. So somebody interrupts The Penguin before he can stab this guy's temporal lobe. Apparently somebody has just delivered a massive interactive television! The Penguin switches it on and discovers he's got a new friend.
What I'm trying to say is that everything you need to know to understand Infinite Jest resides in the footnote that lists James Orin Incandenza's filmography. And everything you need to know about House of Leaves resides in Blair Witch II: The Book of Shadows. Okay, maybe that's not right. But you will find loads of titties in that so it's worth a viewing.
The Penguin, angered at being called an idiot, very nearly shoves his umbrella up the nose and into the brain of the guy who insulted him. But at the last minute, everybody remembers this is a comic book based on a cartoon and exposed brains shouldn't be a part of it. So somebody interrupts The Penguin before he can stab this guy's temporal lobe. Apparently somebody has just delivered a massive interactive television! The Penguin switches it on and discovers he's got a new friend.
It's The Joker, right? Or maybe Simon Stagg?
I think the guy on the television needs to bone up on the dictionary himself if he thinks "persecute" is an intransitive verb. I mean, I guess it could be. I guess I could run around exclaiming, "I persecute! I persecute!" But most people are going to be all, "Oh yeah? Who? Just, like, everybody and everything? What are you talking about, you dumb piece of shit?"
If I were to receive a surprise interactive television and a shadowy figure appeared on the screen and told me to do crimes with it, the first thing I'd ask is, "Are you a cop?" Because a television has to tell you if it's a cop or else it's entrapment. Even if that were legally true and not just a legal urban legend, we all know cops lie so that isn't what I'd do. The first thing I'd do is say, "Man, don't you hate cops? They're so fucking stupid. You know, I heard to become a cop, you have to eat dog shit every day in training. And most cops love doing it! You've totally heard that and agree, right?" But The Penguin doesn't have to do that because on of The Joker's henchmen switches the light on and reveals that it's The Joker even though his hairstyle in the dark already revealed it was The Joker. Or Simon Stagg. But it wasn't Stagg so, you know, The Joker.
If I were to receive a surprise interactive television and a shadowy figure appeared on the screen and told me to do crimes with it, the first thing I'd ask is, "Are you a cop?" Because a television has to tell you if it's a cop or else it's entrapment. Even if that were legally true and not just a legal urban legend, we all know cops lie so that isn't what I'd do. The first thing I'd do is say, "Man, don't you hate cops? They're so fucking stupid. You know, I heard to become a cop, you have to eat dog shit every day in training. And most cops love doing it! You've totally heard that and agree, right?" But The Penguin doesn't have to do that because on of The Joker's henchmen switches the light on and reveals that it's The Joker even though his hairstyle in the dark already revealed it was The Joker. Or Simon Stagg. But it wasn't Stagg so, you know, The Joker.
Oh, I guess you can blow out people's brains in a comic book based on a cartoon. It just has to be just off-screen.
Where did The Joker get the technology for Interactive Television in 1992? Did he invent it? If so, why not give up a life of crime and get rich selling Joker Interactive Televisions? Or, because we know The Joker is insane and loves playing with Batman, just use the profits to poison more of Gotham's water supply more often? Also, why does The Joker need The Penguin to steal something for him? Does The Joker currently have a bad case of diarrhea so he needs to stay close to his toilet? And why would The Penguin willingly team-up with the most insane person in Gotham? The Penguin is a nearly legitimate business man! He does crime for power and money not for obsessive or insane reasons like most of Batman's gallery of arch-villains.
The Penguin successfully pulls off The Joker's crime later that evening. Batman, arriving to the scene of the crime too late, still smashes through a window causing more damage than The Penguin and his goons. Batman investigates by asking the tied-up guard who committed the crime but the guard didn't see anything. Batman immediately ends the investigation because looking for other clues is fucking boring. He swings away on his Bat-Rope leaving the guard to think, "When did this window get smashed?"
Apparently The Penguin's attempts to sound better educated by learning new words daily comes on the heels of his dramatic change of persona in the public eye. He has, of late, been presenting himself as an actual, honest-to-God legitimate business person, giving to charity and appearing on television talk shows to redeem his reputation. He smokes while on television which makes me see him as a villain but then I remember this was published in 1992 and smoking had yet to be completely banned everywhere except casinos. Can people still smoke in casinos? I don't know because I haven't been in one in many, many years. I think the last time I visited Las Vegas was when that stripper offered to stab me in the face for $20 and I was all, "I'm in love!"
But Batman isn't falling for that shit! Not because he has evidence to the contrary but because he's a paranoid motherfucker who doesn't believe anybody can really change.
The Penguin successfully pulls off The Joker's crime later that evening. Batman, arriving to the scene of the crime too late, still smashes through a window causing more damage than The Penguin and his goons. Batman investigates by asking the tied-up guard who committed the crime but the guard didn't see anything. Batman immediately ends the investigation because looking for other clues is fucking boring. He swings away on his Bat-Rope leaving the guard to think, "When did this window get smashed?"
Apparently The Penguin's attempts to sound better educated by learning new words daily comes on the heels of his dramatic change of persona in the public eye. He has, of late, been presenting himself as an actual, honest-to-God legitimate business person, giving to charity and appearing on television talk shows to redeem his reputation. He smokes while on television which makes me see him as a villain but then I remember this was published in 1992 and smoking had yet to be completely banned everywhere except casinos. Can people still smoke in casinos? I don't know because I haven't been in one in many, many years. I think the last time I visited Las Vegas was when that stripper offered to stab me in the face for $20 and I was all, "I'm in love!"
But Batman isn't falling for that shit! Not because he has evidence to the contrary but because he's a paranoid motherfucker who doesn't believe anybody can really change.
Okay, it's circumstantial, but I suppose that's evidence. You've bested my best argument, Bruce!
Alfred pouts Bruce some tea but Bruce doesn't drink tea. The caffeine really makes him edgy, especially when he's fully hopped up on amphetamines.
Bruce does a little research and realizes that The Penguin has been robbing banks owned by Gotham philanthropists which has bankrupted the philanthropists and allowed The Penguin to take over as the most charitable person in Gotham. Ha ha ha! Oh, cartoon economics! Thinking billionaires could be bankrupted by a few casual bank robberies! Have they never heard of the FDIC in Cartoon Gotham? Hell, forget any kind of federal insurance protecting wealthy people and their financial institutions! We've already seen that even if the insurance industries go broke betting on bad investments, the federal government will bend over backwards to make sure all the billionaires retain enough money to keep getting their dicks sucked by other financial institutions, investors, and all the fucking morons who still invest in the stock market. I don't mean they're fucking morons because the stock market isn't eventually lucrative for regular people who keep their money in it over a long period of time. I'm saying they're fucking morons for participating in a scheme that just makes the ultra-wealthy even more wealthy. Get your fucking money out of that shit! Let it die! Stop putting new money into their rigged system!
What was I talking about? Oh yeah! The Penguin has become the darling of Gotham high society! Although can he really be anything more than a passing fancy, being that he's fat, deformed, and ugly? That statement wasn't meant to offend fat, deformed, and ugly people! It was meant to offend high society by pointing out how fucking shallow they are! I would never do anything to hurt my fellow fats, deformeds, and uglies! Solidarity!
Bruce attends the Policemen's Charity Banquet. Oh, you modern kids might not know what means! Police used to have to beg for extra money to commit their illegal acts on the citizens they purport to protect. Obviously they don't need to engage in that kind of grift anymore because politicians from every party just love it when they give cops enough money to wage war on the poors. They know the poors are getting poorer and angrier thanks to their inability to give a fucking damn so they have to keep increasing the amount of money to police to keep the poors in check. Anyway, these Policemen balls usually honor the biggest donors.
Bruce does a little research and realizes that The Penguin has been robbing banks owned by Gotham philanthropists which has bankrupted the philanthropists and allowed The Penguin to take over as the most charitable person in Gotham. Ha ha ha! Oh, cartoon economics! Thinking billionaires could be bankrupted by a few casual bank robberies! Have they never heard of the FDIC in Cartoon Gotham? Hell, forget any kind of federal insurance protecting wealthy people and their financial institutions! We've already seen that even if the insurance industries go broke betting on bad investments, the federal government will bend over backwards to make sure all the billionaires retain enough money to keep getting their dicks sucked by other financial institutions, investors, and all the fucking morons who still invest in the stock market. I don't mean they're fucking morons because the stock market isn't eventually lucrative for regular people who keep their money in it over a long period of time. I'm saying they're fucking morons for participating in a scheme that just makes the ultra-wealthy even more wealthy. Get your fucking money out of that shit! Let it die! Stop putting new money into their rigged system!
What was I talking about? Oh yeah! The Penguin has become the darling of Gotham high society! Although can he really be anything more than a passing fancy, being that he's fat, deformed, and ugly? That statement wasn't meant to offend fat, deformed, and ugly people! It was meant to offend high society by pointing out how fucking shallow they are! I would never do anything to hurt my fellow fats, deformeds, and uglies! Solidarity!
Bruce attends the Policemen's Charity Banquet. Oh, you modern kids might not know what means! Police used to have to beg for extra money to commit their illegal acts on the citizens they purport to protect. Obviously they don't need to engage in that kind of grift anymore because politicians from every party just love it when they give cops enough money to wage war on the poors. They know the poors are getting poorer and angrier thanks to their inability to give a fucking damn so they have to keep increasing the amount of money to police to keep the poors in check. Anyway, these Policemen balls usually honor the biggest donors.
Was allowing The Penguin to alternately go by "Oswald Cobblepot" for public appearances deemed too confusing for younger readers?
After The Penguin receives an award for being so generous, Commissioner Gordon rips it from his hands to hand over to the real recipient of the award: Bruce Wayne! Bruce managed to toss two million dollars at the Gotham Police just to piss of The Penguin. But now Batman can't say he hasn't killed anybody with a gun because that two million dollars is going to go toward killing a lot of poors. Also maybe Batman doesn't count the people Bruce Wayne gets killed when Batman declares he doesn't kill. Oh yeah, that totally tracks.
That ends the first two acts of the story and we still haven't found out what part The Joker's been playing in all of this. Maybe Kelley Puckett just forgot all about The Joker's appearance!
The last act is just The Penguin trying to rob and bankrupt Wayne Tower just like Batman figured. Piss off The Penguin and he'd go for Bruce next. Batman's waiting for them at Wayne Industries, takes all the henchmen out one-by-one, and finally confronts The Penguin. The Penguin, being dumb and low class and barely knowing any words from the dictionary, confesses thinking that Batman can't have him arrested just on the circumstantial evidence of having broken into Wayne Industries' vaults and being caught red-handed. Obviously the only way somebody could be arrested for robbery is if somebody videotaped it!
That ends the first two acts of the story and we still haven't found out what part The Joker's been playing in all of this. Maybe Kelley Puckett just forgot all about The Joker's appearance!
The last act is just The Penguin trying to rob and bankrupt Wayne Tower just like Batman figured. Piss off The Penguin and he'd go for Bruce next. Batman's waiting for them at Wayne Industries, takes all the henchmen out one-by-one, and finally confronts The Penguin. The Penguin, being dumb and low class and barely knowing any words from the dictionary, confesses thinking that Batman can't have him arrested just on the circumstantial evidence of having broken into Wayne Industries' vaults and being caught red-handed. Obviously the only way somebody could be arrested for robbery is if somebody videotaped it!
D'oh! I mean, "W'augh!"
The final panel shows The Joker happy about having got some scroll from The Penguin that's probably some blueprints of an important building or old Court of Owls' porn. But that's a story for another episode!
The Batman Adventures #1 Rating: B. Some panels from next month's comic appear after the letters page and it features Catwoman which reminds me that I've still got a Batman: The Animated Series Catwoman figure somewhere. I guess I was into the show somewhat. Not enough to really remember it but enough to have comics and action figures from it. Also I did just turn 21 around this time so maybe I got black-out drunk way more often than I realized! Maybe I just lost some memories when I was thrown from the mechanical bull? Also, this seems to be the only issue of this series that I own. Why couldn't stupid me have just stuck with the series for a full year?! I could be so rich if I'd owned Harley Quinn's first comic book appearance! If I had access to a time machine right now, I'd waste it because the way I'm feeling, I'd go back to 21 year old me and just kick him in the fucking balls.
The Batman Adventures #1 Rating: B. Some panels from next month's comic appear after the letters page and it features Catwoman which reminds me that I've still got a Batman: The Animated Series Catwoman figure somewhere. I guess I was into the show somewhat. Not enough to really remember it but enough to have comics and action figures from it. Also I did just turn 21 around this time so maybe I got black-out drunk way more often than I realized! Maybe I just lost some memories when I was thrown from the mechanical bull? Also, this seems to be the only issue of this series that I own. Why couldn't stupid me have just stuck with the series for a full year?! I could be so rich if I'd owned Harley Quinn's first comic book appearance! If I had access to a time machine right now, I'd waste it because the way I'm feeling, I'd go back to 21 year old me and just kick him in the fucking balls.
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