Friday, March 22, 2024

Justice League America #83 (December 1993)

Corbett. Corbett is next. How can you forget his name?! It was only said 18,000 times across the last three issues.

Last issue, we learned Guy Gardner is a murdering jackhole that can't stop trying to put his dick into Wonder Woman's butthole. I've extrapolated some of that information from Vado's text as the reference to Wonder Woman's butthole wasn't explicitly stated. But it's there if you do the work and read closely between the lines. It's also possible that I just see Wonder Woman's butthole everywhere I look. It's not the most terrible mental illness in the world. As long as you don't explain why you're poking your finger into every hole or gap you encounter, other people don't think much about it. They just think I'm curious and I've got terrible asthma.

I'd be willing to bet my mother's life that editorial mandated this story about the Guy Gardner imposter after Dan Vado's terrible depiction of the character. "Look, we know Guy's a jerk," Brian Augustyn said, "But he's not a murdering psychopath who can't stop hitting on every woman he encounters. He's a hero, you idiot. Who hired you? Make this right or DC will have to fire you. And then what will you do? Make a living with your little Slave Labor Graphics gig? Nobody wants to read that alternative press crap." And Dan Vado was all, "Alternative Press? Fuck yeah. Now that's a convention!" And the next year, I was handing out copies of The Galactic Hero Corps at the first Alternative Press Expo in San Jose and hanging out with Too Much Coffee Man.

I had seriously forgotten that Dan Vado started Slave Labor Graphics and began the Alternative Press Expo! I knew his name was familiar, being that I'm from Santa Clara and drove by Slave Labor Graphics when it was on Bascom Avenue quite often and attended the Alternative Press Expo at least twice. But all I really knew about Slave Labor was that they published Milk & Cheese.

After Blake is murdered by Guy, Corbett cradles him in his arms and weeps. I thought they were just guy pals but now I suspect something a little more Wildean about their relationship. Guy's murder of Blake lets the fish space police gain the moral high ground which they immediately use to condemn Wonder Woman and all the people of Earth.

I actually believe this fish space policeman because he did everything he could by the book. Except for shooting Crater. Which was a total accident. Probably.

And that's it for the saga of Blake and Corbett! What a story! Full of twists and turns and attempted rapes. It showcased Diana's upstanding defense of truth and justice. Which ultimately led to her protecting violent criminals and then having one of her employees murder one of the violent criminals that they were supposed to be giving asylum to. I'm not totally sure if the story was supposed to make Wonder Woman look heroic or a naïve pushover? Anyway, it's over and now it's time to hunt down Guy Gardner!

Captain Atom informs Wonder Woman that the government will probably want to prosecute Guy but I'm not sure how that's going to work. He killed an alien who only just arrived to Earth and then his body was transported off of Earth, leaving no sign of the crime or the victim except the witnesses. But does the law even apply to extra-terrestrials? If the government prosecutes Guy for murdering an alien, don't they also have to prosecute themselves? I've seen the alien autopsy video! I know what this government's been up to!

I know I've made fun of Kevin West's art a lot, being that he's got a lot of the '90s tropes happening in it, but I feel I should state this plainly: I actually really like a lot of it. He draws a fantastic Wonder Woman. I have a feeling that some of his worst panels are because he's modeling characters off other artists of the time. When West isn't drawing everybody standing like an action figure with legs akimbo, I actually fucking love his art. There. Is everybody happy when I tell the truth and drop the facetious, angry idiot act?

I actually added that last paragraph so that people will think most of what I write is an act and I'm not an angry basement dwelling virgin idiot! Ha ha! Fooled you!

See?! See?! The legs akimbo thing! What's wrong with everybody? Do they all have juicy loads in their pants?

This is the final issue of Justice League America that I purchased way back in 1993. What series should I read next? Which series will I read next? Nobody knows! Not even me! Whatever's in the next box I open, I suppose. I really want to reread Transmetropolitan which is on my shelves and technically probably should be the next thing I read but do I really want to write about it? Most of my posts will look like this: "Yes! Oh my God! Hilarious! How does Warren Ellis do it?! When did Darick Robertson get so good?! His art was so mediocre in Justice League Europe!" Then there will be six paragraphs, alternating, of "Ha ha ha!" and "Mind blown!" Then I'd rate the issue five big hard dicks out of five and try to score some futuristic drugs.

While Guy Gardner runs around the city probably murdering jaywalkers, Booster Gold decides to shit all over his friend, Ted Kord. Ted has been squirrelled away in his basement lab working day and night on a suit of armor for Booster so Booster can get back to doing what he loves: being in the public eye. But is Booster grateful? Does he see that as Ted Kord being part of the team? Of course not!

Is Dan Vado trying to make me hate every member of the League?

How is Beetle turning his back on the League? He just made you a major piece of technology to get you back into action, you piece of shit! He's been through major trauma! Too bad The Sanctuary wasn't up and running in 1993. Maybe Ted Kord could have gotten back into the Beetle suit sooner. Or maybe it's a good thing The Sanctuary didn't exist in 1993. Ted Kord is fine playing the combined role of Oberon and Kilowog. The world doesn't need one more costumed rich guy who doesn't have any powers and also probably has a long term brain injury thanks to Doomsday.

There's a few pages of the drama going on in Ice's homeland but that's the B Story and since I didn't stick with this comic book until it became the A Story, I don't really care about it. Is that the story where Ice dies? If so, I'm glad I never read it. Fuck Dan Vado if it is! If it isn't, I'm sorry I said, "Fuck Dan Vado," Dan Vado.

Oh no! The B Story is rearing its head too soon. Shoo! Shoo! Get back!

I guess I have to acknowledge the Ice Battles Her Brother for the Throne of the Northern Lands subplot if it gets Blue Beetle back into his costume. It looks like this Ice rescue mission is turning into the first I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League story! Especially since Guy Gardner comes strutting into the room while they're discussing it. Which causes them to all freak out because Guy constantly murders people now and always tries to fuck Wonder Woman. Eeep!

Guy acts like everybody should be impressed with his murder ability but they're all, "We have to stop you!" At least this time, Guy attacks Booster Gold first. Unlike last time when it was the Real Guy and he stopped by to see Ice and then everybody began to beat the shit out of him.

Wonder Woman shows up with her lasso but Guy uses his ring to keep it from touching him. That's suspicious! Why doesn't Guy want to tell the truth?! What's he hiding?! I can't even imagine the shit I'd tell Wonder Woman if I were caught in her lasso. I'd probably be all, "I can't stop watching Sailor Moon! And not in a weird pedo way! I'm pretty sure I'm envious of the Sailor Scouts! Why can't I be a pretty soldier in a sailor suit?! I want to flirt with boys and wear short skirts and eat Japanese snacks and shower with my friends! Hmm, okay, maybe there's a little weird pedo stuff in there. But only because I want to be a cute young girl!"

Anyway, the team defeat Guy Gardner. As they're deciding what to do with Guy Gardner, Guy Gardner walks in looking like '90s Image trash and sporting a '90s Image gun.

At least now I know why I never bought Issue #84. This image made me so sick, I threw up, had a mini-stroke, and forgot all about this series.

I hope the next series I read is Guy Gardner, Warrior!

Justice League America #83 Rating: C. In the same way that Crimson Fox wound up being two people instead of one to satisfy letters being written about how her accent kept disappearing, this whole two Guy Gardners story feels like an editorial mandate to fix continuity issues. The continuity issues this time were probably Guy Gardner acting so much worse than he usually acts in Justice League America while he was probably being his normal terrible self which was more charming than disgustingly irritating. Letters were probably pouring in saying things like, "Sirs, I have talked to the pooch and it has accused you of anal penetration. You have created an untenable situation in the characterization of that anti-hero, Guy Gardner. I would be remiss not to send this missive chastising your company for the way you call two different characters by the same name and expect the readers to somehow fix the anomaly within our minds as we read. I assure you that this is too large a discrepancy to handle in the usual fan way, i.e. simply ignoring it and screaming, 'La la la la,' whenever your brain begins, 'Actually...'." Editors hate that shit. That's when they pull the Cat o' Nine Tails out of the secret wardrobe in their office and begin stalking the halls of the DC offices looking for writers to whip into submission. "Fix this, you dumb bastards! I can't endure this idiotic thirty-plus year old man babies thinking they're smarter than us! Make this right in a way that shows they were fucking wrong or I bring out the Pear of Anguish!" Anyway, I don't know how this resolved. I think I own Guy Gardner, Warrior #15 which might be where this story finishes. So I might learn how it resolves some day! Maybe Guy Gardner, Warrior will be the next comic I read! I think I only have 17 issues of that because whenever it became simply Warrior, it was always sold out and I never saw it on the shelves again and then I completely forgot it was even a thing, simply believing it was cancelled in the middle of a story arc.

Overall, I can see why people disliked this volume of Justice League America. Even when Dan Jurgens came in to make it more serious, it simply seemed like a standard villain of the month comic biding its time until the Death of Superman. And Dan Vado and Kevin West did not do it for me at all. So much so that I stopped reading the series with an issue that says "Part 1" right on the cover. I never fucking did that! I always had to know how stories ended! I must have really vomited a lot after that Guy Gardner last page appearance. And also the mini-stroke. Unless my brain simply blocked out this series as if I had suffered some serious physical trauma. Maybe it was so bad that I blocked out the existence of Guy Gardner, Warrior as well! What if all those months, the comic book was on the shelves on new comic book day but my brain just blurred it out of existence, turning it into one of those 3D paintings of a schooner that most people only pretend to be able to see!

No comments:

Post a Comment