I would be hearing The Right Stuff theme right now if I knew what it was. Probably something jazzy with a hint of white cultural appropriation? Instead I'm hearing the theme to Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Planetary #6 (November 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Depuy Martin, David Baron, and Allison Fuchs
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman
• I used to have thoughts during the day which would translate into things I'd discuss in my comic book reviews. But it's been about five years since I gave up on thinking. What did thinking ever do for me?! It's a sucker's game. That billionaire who said introspection was made up bullshit wasn't right but he may as well have been! Introspection? PTUI! I spit on it! All it's ever done for me is make me a better, more compassionate person who's still poor! So now I'm overburdened with debt and a contemplative understanding of community, existence, the universe, and my place within it? It's too much! Why should I understand Conservatives better than they understand themselves?! I'd rather have money and hot babes! It's a burden I've placed upon myself with this stupid thinking thing! Five years ago, I discovered gambling streams on Twitch and I was all, "Oh! I can watch these and not think about anything at all!" I already feel like — if not a better person — a person who absolutely understands the world. Some might call me a self-contained narcissist who thinks every thought which comes unbidden into his head must be reality because how could he have thought it if it wasn't the Absolute Truth? I may not think anymore but I'm still the smartest person that ever lived! I must be because how come I know so much without ever reading an actual book or taking a college class or asking any experts any questions about anything?! Why would I need to? It's called Wisdom and Street Smarts, buddy. Plus I do my own research¹!
• One thing I accidentally thought about the other day while I was looking for a clean sock to jerk off into was how people sometimes use the phrase, "Facts don't care about feelings.²" It's one of those phrases that belongs on a bumper sticker because it's the only time it can be consumed and thought of as Absolute Truth because the person reading it is too stressed out to contemplate it for even a second because they're trying to merge but every single person on the road believes they have to be bumper to bumper with the person in front of them, even at 80 miles per hour (or 120 kilometers per hour. Did I do the conversion correctly? I must have because why else would I think 80 MPH was equal to 120 KPH?! Remember Bullet Point #1!). But the thing about every single person who says "Facts don't care about feelings" is that they don't care about facts at all. Maybe the statement could be true if the "fact" they were talking about was actually a fact and not made-up bullshit perpetuated by the people they consider their peers. Every "fact" that comes out of a person's mouth after they say that facts don't care about your feelings isn't a fact at all. It's just something they feel should be true. Which is ironic, right? Is that irony? It's not 10,000 forks irony but it's possibly more like actual irony than that? Anyway, you know if a person says, "Facts don't care about feelings," they're about to spout a load of pure nonsense out of their feelings hole.
• This issue is called "4" because it's about The Fantastic Four. It's weird that it's Issue #6 and not Issue #4. I guess Warren Ellis is just terrible at outlines and planning.
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Depuy Martin, David Baron, and Allison Fuchs
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman
• I used to have thoughts during the day which would translate into things I'd discuss in my comic book reviews. But it's been about five years since I gave up on thinking. What did thinking ever do for me?! It's a sucker's game. That billionaire who said introspection was made up bullshit wasn't right but he may as well have been! Introspection? PTUI! I spit on it! All it's ever done for me is make me a better, more compassionate person who's still poor! So now I'm overburdened with debt and a contemplative understanding of community, existence, the universe, and my place within it? It's too much! Why should I understand Conservatives better than they understand themselves?! I'd rather have money and hot babes! It's a burden I've placed upon myself with this stupid thinking thing! Five years ago, I discovered gambling streams on Twitch and I was all, "Oh! I can watch these and not think about anything at all!" I already feel like — if not a better person — a person who absolutely understands the world. Some might call me a self-contained narcissist who thinks every thought which comes unbidden into his head must be reality because how could he have thought it if it wasn't the Absolute Truth? I may not think anymore but I'm still the smartest person that ever lived! I must be because how come I know so much without ever reading an actual book or taking a college class or asking any experts any questions about anything?! Why would I need to? It's called Wisdom and Street Smarts, buddy. Plus I do my own research¹!
• One thing I accidentally thought about the other day while I was looking for a clean sock to jerk off into was how people sometimes use the phrase, "Facts don't care about feelings.²" It's one of those phrases that belongs on a bumper sticker because it's the only time it can be consumed and thought of as Absolute Truth because the person reading it is too stressed out to contemplate it for even a second because they're trying to merge but every single person on the road believes they have to be bumper to bumper with the person in front of them, even at 80 miles per hour (or 120 kilometers per hour. Did I do the conversion correctly? I must have because why else would I think 80 MPH was equal to 120 KPH?! Remember Bullet Point #1!). But the thing about every single person who says "Facts don't care about feelings" is that they don't care about facts at all. Maybe the statement could be true if the "fact" they were talking about was actually a fact and not made-up bullshit perpetuated by the people they consider their peers. Every "fact" that comes out of a person's mouth after they say that facts don't care about your feelings isn't a fact at all. It's just something they feel should be true. Which is ironic, right? Is that irony? It's not 10,000 forks irony but it's possibly more like actual irony than that? Anyway, you know if a person says, "Facts don't care about feelings," they're about to spout a load of pure nonsense out of their feelings hole.
• This issue is called "4" because it's about The Fantastic Four. It's weird that it's Issue #6 and not Issue #4. I guess Warren Ellis is just terrible at outlines and planning.
When's the learning curve begin to steepen, Drummer? Every kid on the playground knows this shit. This is In Search Of... 101, man.
• I wonder if, being that the world of Planetary is full of fictional people in the same way that Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is, Captain Blicero from Gravity's Rainbow was one of these top scientists brought over to America? If I see any background images of a guy shoving a rocket up his ass, I'll assume it's him.
• That page with Drummer doing the mission briefing is all the reader gets. We are not privileged with whatever terrible information he imparts to Elijah and Jakita which makes Elijah so angry on the next page while he's standing outside the Fantastic Four headquarters. He's ready to tie Reed into a cute little human bowtie, snuff out Johnny via super violent swirly technology, drill Ben into dust, and, um, have tea with Sue, I guess? I don't want to imagine a man beating up a woman. She's probably cool.
• Oh, I was wrong which I was suspecting I was going to be anyway but just kept typing. The Drummer's mission briefing continues on the even pages while the mission goes ahead on the odd pages. Hopefully Ellis and Layman worked with the ad people to make sure the adverts didn't interrupt this pattern.
• That page with Drummer doing the mission briefing is all the reader gets. We are not privileged with whatever terrible information he imparts to Elijah and Jakita which makes Elijah so angry on the next page while he's standing outside the Fantastic Four headquarters. He's ready to tie Reed into a cute little human bowtie, snuff out Johnny via super violent swirly technology, drill Ben into dust, and, um, have tea with Sue, I guess? I don't want to imagine a man beating up a woman. She's probably cool.
• Oh, I was wrong which I was suspecting I was going to be anyway but just kept typing. The Drummer's mission briefing continues on the even pages while the mission goes ahead on the odd pages. Hopefully Ellis and Layman worked with the ad people to make sure the adverts didn't interrupt this pattern.
• I understand why Warren Ellis would name the sister program to Apollo "Artemis". NASA had named their program Apollo so why not use his twin sister as the opposite? Plus, even though it's entirely inaccurate to call Artemis a moon goddess, well, thanks to the Romans, mostly, Artemis is now thought of as a moon goddess and Apollo, thanks to whatever (Romans, again, probably), a sun god. But that's not my real concern. My real concern is that the current NASA program has taken on the name of the goddess who is the protector of young girls. Especially, you know, during this administration? I mean, shooting a phallus into space to impregnate the feminized moon with men and calling the entire program the name of the Goddess who protected young girls? Stop making reality creepier than fiction by Warren Ellis, my dudes.
• Remember, kids! Artemis's first manned mission is coming up on April 1st! Maybe. It's hard to say because April 1st has a history of being the most annoying day of every year. Gonna be some crazy headlines on that day and nobody's going to know if they can believe any of them.
• Planetary's mission is to destroy the Fantastic Four because they're monsters. Just the biggest, most inhuman monsters of all time. Worse than the guy with the stupid mustache because he didn't get super powers by flying through a shitload of space radiation. Imagine if he had been bitten by a radioactive spider though? Spider-Hitler! Spider-Hitler! Does whatever a Hitler does! You know what? That's enough of that song. What am I? Slayer?
• The Fantastic Four (Wildstorm edition):
Randall Dowling (Reed Richards): an Omniscientist (in the vernacular of Scott Lobdell) who could have been "the American Einstein if not for his background". So probably a genius serial killer.
Jacob Greene (Ben Grimm): Pilot who flew the most Top Secret missions in World War II. Probably a big dumb serial killer.
William Leather (Johnny Storm): Adventurer. Supposedly rode on the last journey of Nemo's Nautilus. Built sex-positive airplanes. For serial killers.
Kim Süskind (Sue Storm-Richards): Physicist. Daughter of one of the secret Nazis (possibly Blicero?). Definitely a serial killer.
• The Fantastic Four may have been superior sounding examples of the worst people in America but it wasn't through their ability or intelligence which allowed them to become super people. It was just a bunch of nerds sending them into space as guinea pigs and random, dumb luck³.
• Remember, kids! Artemis's first manned mission is coming up on April 1st! Maybe. It's hard to say because April 1st has a history of being the most annoying day of every year. Gonna be some crazy headlines on that day and nobody's going to know if they can believe any of them.
• Planetary's mission is to destroy the Fantastic Four because they're monsters. Just the biggest, most inhuman monsters of all time. Worse than the guy with the stupid mustache because he didn't get super powers by flying through a shitload of space radiation. Imagine if he had been bitten by a radioactive spider though? Spider-Hitler! Spider-Hitler! Does whatever a Hitler does! You know what? That's enough of that song. What am I? Slayer?
• The Fantastic Four (Wildstorm edition):
Randall Dowling (Reed Richards): an Omniscientist (in the vernacular of Scott Lobdell) who could have been "the American Einstein if not for his background". So probably a genius serial killer.
Jacob Greene (Ben Grimm): Pilot who flew the most Top Secret missions in World War II. Probably a big dumb serial killer.
William Leather (Johnny Storm): Adventurer. Supposedly rode on the last journey of Nemo's Nautilus. Built sex-positive airplanes. For serial killers.
Kim Süskind (Sue Storm-Richards): Physicist. Daughter of one of the secret Nazis (possibly Blicero?). Definitely a serial killer.
• The Fantastic Four may have been superior sounding examples of the worst people in America but it wasn't through their ability or intelligence which allowed them to become super people. It was just a bunch of nerds sending them into space as guinea pigs and random, dumb luck³.
The Fantastic Four demonstrate how the camera reacts when it's shoved up your asshole during a colonoscopy.
• The Drummer describes The Fantastic Four as "the dark side of everything" Planetary does. I'm not going to make any judgment calls on this seeing as how, as a reader, I'm supposed to buy into the conceit that the team whose name is on the cover of the book are the good guys. In the first five issues, they seem to be doing, if not any meaningful good, at least no real harm. They profess to be working on a grand agenda to make the world a better place for humanity. The Drummer points out that The Fantastic Four usurped control over the Artemis program and began using it for their own ends. And even though the Artemis program didn't seem like it was trying to be non-nefarious, the idea that four individuals are using billions of dollars for their own pet projects and whims is almost certainly worse than whatever cold war spy shit America was using Artemis for.
• The Drummer ends his briefing by pointing out that the organization has heard Elijah's complaint that the group doesn't actually do anything to make the world better. It's just gathering information and resources. So this mission to end The Fantastic Four is kind of a bone being thrown to Elijah. Here's something good they can do. Here's a way to actually make the world better. They figured out where the Four are and they believe they can end them.
• The Drummer ends his briefing by pointing out that the organization has heard Elijah's complaint that the group doesn't actually do anything to make the world better. It's just gathering information and resources. So this mission to end The Fantastic Four is kind of a bone being thrown to Elijah. Here's something good they can do. Here's a way to actually make the world better. They figured out where the Four are and they believe they can end them.
Of course, it's going to be more difficult than Jakita and her arrogance can conceive.
• After six issues, that was the first time we've seen Jakita fail. I think. No wait! I don't think anymore. So it definitely was because it was the thing I thought and I don't think thoughts that are wrong because, remember, I don't think. Facts just come unbidden into my brain as they bypass all the feelings.
• The Wildstorm Fantastic Four's symbol is the numeral 4. But it's the numeral 4 if you actually wanted it to be a swastika. I'm starting to get really nervous about this manned Artemis space launch in a few days!
• The Wildstorm Fantastic Four's symbol is the numeral 4. But it's the numeral 4 if you actually wanted it to be a swastika. I'm starting to get really nervous about this manned Artemis space launch in a few days!
I would vote for Elijah Snow.
• Elijah Snow confronts William Leather after Leather throws Jakita through a window where she falls 100 floors to the ground. Elijah says, "I know that you've done more than your share of making the world mediocre" and I can't think of a harsher criticism to lay out on not just this one man but the masses at large. So many people actively making the world mediocre by constantly arguing against trying to make things better. The centrists of the world. The libertarians of the world. The Democrats of the world. I'd also list the Republicans but fuck mediocre; they want the world much, much worse. Elijah's criticizing the people who have the means to make things better and instead choose to simply make life easier for themselves. Or not even easier! Just hoarding things because they fear limited resources. Leather's response to Elijah's criticism is "My crewmates and I [are] on the human adventure. And you can't all come along." Just fucking grotesque. The antithesis of humanitarianism. Just cold-blooded narcissism.
• Anyway, Elijah kicks him in the balls.
• Elijah's tactic doesn't destroy William Leather, as he's basically a god now, but it does get him to retreat. He acts as if the retreating is a choice he's making because "letting Elijah live" is somehow the most fun option. But I think Elijah might have exploded William's scrotum and now all William can think is, "Oh god I have to see what's happening in my underpants I think it's all coming undone down there holy fuck I'm so scared!"
• William Leather acts as if he knows Elijah. He points out that everything Planetary uncovers, the Fantastic Four either already know about or are the creators of that thing. He points out that Elijah Snow's lack of memory seems awfully contrived. Has he not thought about how he doesn't remember anything and Planetary goes about uncovering things that have been forgotten? That's some shit a writer would have done when beginning a mysterious comic book. Maybe think about that, Snow!
The Ranking!
It's not as if the ball hasn't been rolling since Issue #1 but holy hell did the ball pick up speed this issue. It's all coming together nicely. Even the Monster Island issue comes more into focus after this one, being that Planetary discovered the soldiers on Monster Island worked for whatever Artemis has now become. And they found files to allow them to locate the Fantastic Four there. So now Planetary has a nemesis in Dark Planetary. It's like Nibiru! Dark Planetary also answers the question "How is all of this weird shit not known to the masses? How does it remain hidden?" Well, if you've got four gods trying to keep all the cool paranormal stuff for themselves like greedy fucking children hoarding toys, you're going to miss out on all the fun stuff. Plus it's more exciting if your book about archaeology actually has some kind of conflict other than the dirt piled on top of the stuff that needs to be dug up.
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Twitch Chat, rants from Gambling Streamers, and YouTube videos with nearly 180 views constitute research, right?
² Often said as "Facts don't care about your feelings" to make it more of an insult to the person they're trying to debate who's actually just trying to go about their day unmolested by a selfish narcissist who believes in personal freedom only to the point that people give up their own personal freedom to acknowledge them constantly.
³ Good? Bad? Who's to say?
• Anyway, Elijah kicks him in the balls.
• Elijah's tactic doesn't destroy William Leather, as he's basically a god now, but it does get him to retreat. He acts as if the retreating is a choice he's making because "letting Elijah live" is somehow the most fun option. But I think Elijah might have exploded William's scrotum and now all William can think is, "Oh god I have to see what's happening in my underpants I think it's all coming undone down there holy fuck I'm so scared!"
• William Leather acts as if he knows Elijah. He points out that everything Planetary uncovers, the Fantastic Four either already know about or are the creators of that thing. He points out that Elijah Snow's lack of memory seems awfully contrived. Has he not thought about how he doesn't remember anything and Planetary goes about uncovering things that have been forgotten? That's some shit a writer would have done when beginning a mysterious comic book. Maybe think about that, Snow!
The Ranking!
It's not as if the ball hasn't been rolling since Issue #1 but holy hell did the ball pick up speed this issue. It's all coming together nicely. Even the Monster Island issue comes more into focus after this one, being that Planetary discovered the soldiers on Monster Island worked for whatever Artemis has now become. And they found files to allow them to locate the Fantastic Four there. So now Planetary has a nemesis in Dark Planetary. It's like Nibiru! Dark Planetary also answers the question "How is all of this weird shit not known to the masses? How does it remain hidden?" Well, if you've got four gods trying to keep all the cool paranormal stuff for themselves like greedy fucking children hoarding toys, you're going to miss out on all the fun stuff. Plus it's more exciting if your book about archaeology actually has some kind of conflict other than the dirt piled on top of the stuff that needs to be dug up.
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Twitch Chat, rants from Gambling Streamers, and YouTube videos with nearly 180 views constitute research, right?
² Often said as "Facts don't care about your feelings" to make it more of an insult to the person they're trying to debate who's actually just trying to go about their day unmolested by a selfish narcissist who believes in personal freedom only to the point that people give up their own personal freedom to acknowledge them constantly.
³ Good? Bad? Who's to say?
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