Now playing in a fictional comic book that treats fiction as reality: Planet Fiction!
Planetary #9 (April 2000)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, David Baron, and Michael Heisler
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman
Because our time as human beings is finite, every interest we take during that time means we're sacrificing a potential interest in every other interesting thing. That was an obvious statement but it led to me thinking about what our interests project to others about ourselves, our choices, and, ultimately, our secret inner being. I suppose I'm just using deconstruction¹ to analyze others by decentering the very thing that they provide as their center. Sure, nobody is just one thing they love or embrace or build their lives around. But when you actively, and on purpose (which seems maybe slightly embarrassing?), portray yourself as "a Disney adult", you're telling me about the parts of you that are missing — which *must* be missing — for you to embrace such a paltry and corporatized persona.² I'm going to assume that you've never read Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (at least not while thinking about Goofy and Minnie to such an extent that the words you read never actually reached your brain³). Not that Heart of Darkness means anything here (or does it? Why would I have picked it? What could you possibly extrapolate from my choice of such an ambiguous and — let's face it — fairly boring text?); it's just if you get off on Disney coffee in your Disney mugs on a sunny Disney morning in your Disney pajamas⁴, you might as well set up a flashing neon "No Vacancy" sign on your head.
Sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean for this to become a "Let's bash Disney adults" bit! It's not the fault of Disney lovers that their love of Disney had to become an all-consuming passion thanks to the Internet! Some of you older folks remember the days when you could be the biggest fan of something without it consuming your entire life because you only had to prove your love of that thing to, at most, one or two dozen other people. But now with Instagram and Tik Tok and Facebook and Bluesky, you really need to ratchet up your fandom to unheard of levels. So that's not helping with the amount of things you're missing out on to your top interests in life. I feel bad for kicking Disney adults when they're probably already huddled on the ground in a fetal position because they saw me coming their way with my Kaiser Blade of Epic Judgment at the ready. I feel bad! I just meant to say that no matter your interest, vapid or academic or philosophical or hedonist, it just means the energy you're expending on that interest cannot go to engaging with other things. It's simply impossible to engage with everything life has to offer. And, often, the thing you are noticeably engaged in tells other people things you probably aren't engaged in. Like if you're a Crypto bro, you're probably not big on social justice. Or community. Or anything that doesn't have to do with you explicitly and your extra-fake currency (being that, you know, all currency is a fantastic metaphor which we've all agreed to simply to make living among others easier).
My interest in comic books and self-pleasure probably tells you more about me than you'd like to know (but not enough to believe that I'd ever jerk off into a sink. Why would you even think that?! So gross). But I have to admit that sometimes knowing what a person is missing out on isn't as easy as when you see somebody super worked up by Conservative politics or Christianity. You always know what parts of humanity and our shared experience are missing from them! Like when a person I know is so into music that they recognize more bands than I ever knew existed. What have they given up to have listened to so much music? I have no idea! I couldn't even guess! I just know that the whole of music⁵ is something I've missed out on due to my pursuit of literature, comic books, and computer roleplaying games. Imagine how much more music I could have experienced in my life if I hadn't replayed Wizardry uncountable times?! And, sure, I could have listened to music as I played but that wouldn't have helped because music played while you're doing other things becomes almost nothing. You cease to hear it on an experiential, memory inducing level and it just becomes the thing that's happening around you as you concentrate on the actual thing you're doing.
I'm not sure I've worked through this thought on a level that would be acceptable to a newspaper editor or a college English teacher but I'm done with it now⁶. This introduction to my comic book review was brought to you by the term "Planet Fiction" and The Pixies' version of Neil Young's "Winterlong". I'm just providing the alchemical ingredients that brought me to that line of thinking. And now boredom and my short attention span are moving me away from it!
Hmm. I wonder if the idea of a "line of thinking" is a way to view some of the themes in Pynchon's Mason & Dixon?
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, David Baron, and Michael Heisler
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman
Because our time as human beings is finite, every interest we take during that time means we're sacrificing a potential interest in every other interesting thing. That was an obvious statement but it led to me thinking about what our interests project to others about ourselves, our choices, and, ultimately, our secret inner being. I suppose I'm just using deconstruction¹ to analyze others by decentering the very thing that they provide as their center. Sure, nobody is just one thing they love or embrace or build their lives around. But when you actively, and on purpose (which seems maybe slightly embarrassing?), portray yourself as "a Disney adult", you're telling me about the parts of you that are missing — which *must* be missing — for you to embrace such a paltry and corporatized persona.² I'm going to assume that you've never read Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (at least not while thinking about Goofy and Minnie to such an extent that the words you read never actually reached your brain³). Not that Heart of Darkness means anything here (or does it? Why would I have picked it? What could you possibly extrapolate from my choice of such an ambiguous and — let's face it — fairly boring text?); it's just if you get off on Disney coffee in your Disney mugs on a sunny Disney morning in your Disney pajamas⁴, you might as well set up a flashing neon "No Vacancy" sign on your head.
Sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean for this to become a "Let's bash Disney adults" bit! It's not the fault of Disney lovers that their love of Disney had to become an all-consuming passion thanks to the Internet! Some of you older folks remember the days when you could be the biggest fan of something without it consuming your entire life because you only had to prove your love of that thing to, at most, one or two dozen other people. But now with Instagram and Tik Tok and Facebook and Bluesky, you really need to ratchet up your fandom to unheard of levels. So that's not helping with the amount of things you're missing out on to your top interests in life. I feel bad for kicking Disney adults when they're probably already huddled on the ground in a fetal position because they saw me coming their way with my Kaiser Blade of Epic Judgment at the ready. I feel bad! I just meant to say that no matter your interest, vapid or academic or philosophical or hedonist, it just means the energy you're expending on that interest cannot go to engaging with other things. It's simply impossible to engage with everything life has to offer. And, often, the thing you are noticeably engaged in tells other people things you probably aren't engaged in. Like if you're a Crypto bro, you're probably not big on social justice. Or community. Or anything that doesn't have to do with you explicitly and your extra-fake currency (being that, you know, all currency is a fantastic metaphor which we've all agreed to simply to make living among others easier).
My interest in comic books and self-pleasure probably tells you more about me than you'd like to know (but not enough to believe that I'd ever jerk off into a sink. Why would you even think that?! So gross). But I have to admit that sometimes knowing what a person is missing out on isn't as easy as when you see somebody super worked up by Conservative politics or Christianity. You always know what parts of humanity and our shared experience are missing from them! Like when a person I know is so into music that they recognize more bands than I ever knew existed. What have they given up to have listened to so much music? I have no idea! I couldn't even guess! I just know that the whole of music⁵ is something I've missed out on due to my pursuit of literature, comic books, and computer roleplaying games. Imagine how much more music I could have experienced in my life if I hadn't replayed Wizardry uncountable times?! And, sure, I could have listened to music as I played but that wouldn't have helped because music played while you're doing other things becomes almost nothing. You cease to hear it on an experiential, memory inducing level and it just becomes the thing that's happening around you as you concentrate on the actual thing you're doing.
I'm not sure I've worked through this thought on a level that would be acceptable to a newspaper editor or a college English teacher but I'm done with it now⁶. This introduction to my comic book review was brought to you by the term "Planet Fiction" and The Pixies' version of Neil Young's "Winterlong". I'm just providing the alchemical ingredients that brought me to that line of thinking. And now boredom and my short attention span are moving me away from it!
Hmm. I wonder if the idea of a "line of thinking" is a way to view some of the themes in Pynchon's Mason & Dixon?
This is how it begins. Beautiful.
Ellis and Cassaday dedicated this issue to Grant Morrison for some reason. I wonder if Alan Moore read that and let out a massive fart⁷?
The story begins with a fictional farmhouse pierced by a fictional rocket under an actual moon (fictionally stylized). Is this a retelling of the Superman story? I don't remember! The only thing I remember is the title "Planet Fiction" which excited something primal in me, as if the cells of my body hold the memory of how great this issue was but my brain couldn't be bothered to remember because it was thinking, "I wonder how quickly we could defeat Werdna if we started up another run of Wizardry?"
This story begins in England, 1997. So if it is a retelling of the Superman story, it'll be more critical of class consciousness than "a boy from rural America would obviously be honest and compassionate and, um, hate queers, probably". That third thing wasn't supposed to be there but then my cynicism was all, "Fuck that rural people propaganda bullshit that they're honest and hard working and the backbone of the country!"
I just realized that I should have wished for the death of my cynicism when that genie gave me three wishes. But no! Instead, I'm stuck with these three eight inch tall pianists. Stupid idiot!
The story begins with a fictional farmhouse pierced by a fictional rocket under an actual moon (fictionally stylized). Is this a retelling of the Superman story? I don't remember! The only thing I remember is the title "Planet Fiction" which excited something primal in me, as if the cells of my body hold the memory of how great this issue was but my brain couldn't be bothered to remember because it was thinking, "I wonder how quickly we could defeat Werdna if we started up another run of Wizardry?"
This story begins in England, 1997. So if it is a retelling of the Superman story, it'll be more critical of class consciousness than "a boy from rural America would obviously be honest and compassionate and, um, hate queers, probably". That third thing wasn't supposed to be there but then my cynicism was all, "Fuck that rural people propaganda bullshit that they're honest and hard working and the backbone of the country!"
I just realized that I should have wished for the death of my cynicism when that genie gave me three wishes. But no! Instead, I'm stuck with these three eight inch tall pianists. Stupid idiot!
Ma and Pa Kentshire were never got a chance to teach little Clarkson about compassion, responsibility, and how shit Margaret Thatcher was.
The ship seems to be one of Britain's own having returned from a mission to who-knows-where. It contains one more crewmember than when it departed. It crashed in Norfolk on its return, mystifying the team behind the mission. They suspect that one of the "creative team" who was from Norfolk wrote this return into the mission knowing that the "creative team" would be silenced by the government to ensure secrecy of this fictional mission. Is the UK government now exploring fictional worlds? Is that the actual final frontier?! To go into the space of our dreams? To explore art? To rise above the mire of reality and learn about ourselves through our artistic endeavors?
Hmm. Sounds about right, actually.
Before the ship can be opened by the UK Government, mission central is breached by Planetary.
Hmm. Sounds about right, actually.
Before the ship can be opened by the UK Government, mission central is breached by Planetary.
This is 1997. Elijah Snow is still self-exiled to a desert in Nevada. Meet Ambrose Chase.
I decided to go with the actual page from the comic book when introducing Ambrose Chase instead of the first thing my brain wanted me to use to introduce Ambrose Chase because I told my brain, "Nobody would fucking understand what you're doing, you stupid piece of shit." If you're into seeing my first take on things, enjoy the next image. If you don't give a shit⁸, just skip it and begin reading again after the next image.
This is 1997. Elijah Snow is still self-exiled to a desert in Nevada. Meet Ambrose Chase.
Ambrose Chase has a reality distortion field. That means he, um, distorts reality. It's good for not getting shot and people thinking you have a massive dong. Even with what sounds like an extraordinary power to do whatever he wants, Ambrose realizes Planetary may be in trouble. They know the UK ship has brought back something from Planet Fiction and I'm guessing "warping reality" doesn't mean "warping fiction" so Ambrose might be powerless to whatever came back with (and killed!) the ship's crew.
"Dr. Dowling" is mentioned by the head of Project Fiction as he discusses the project with the creature brought back from the story they created simply to see if they could explore it. Does this mean the UK also has their own "Project Artemis" run by Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four? Is Project Artemis a joint program between white supremacist imperialist nations? Does the fictional person brought back from the fictional world have three eight inch dongs like every fictional person⁹ I create in my stories?
Ambrose, getting overconfident and not relying on his power, gets himself killed. During his death scene, parts of his life flash before the reader's eyes: learning about his power as a kid; consoling Jakita about somebody who's missing (possibly the Fourth Man); raising a baby girl (which might be Jakita's baby) over his head; meeting the Fourth Man (who loves white suits) in 1994; joining the field team as the Third Man.
"Dr. Dowling" is mentioned by the head of Project Fiction as he discusses the project with the creature brought back from the story they created simply to see if they could explore it. Does this mean the UK also has their own "Project Artemis" run by Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four? Is Project Artemis a joint program between white supremacist imperialist nations? Does the fictional person brought back from the fictional world have three eight inch dongs like every fictional person⁹ I create in my stories?
Ambrose, getting overconfident and not relying on his power, gets himself killed. During his death scene, parts of his life flash before the reader's eyes: learning about his power as a kid; consoling Jakita about somebody who's missing (possibly the Fourth Man); raising a baby girl (which might be Jakita's baby) over his head; meeting the Fourth Man (who loves white suits) in 1994; joining the field team as the Third Man.
Doesn't the scientist who overreaches also always die?
Ambrose Chase uses his reality distortion field as he dies and his body disappears. So he's probably not dead then, right?
Jakita kills the overreaching scientist who relies on his singular knowledge of the plot being plot armor. Jakita doesn't give a fuck about the plot so, you know, his plot armor does him know good. She figures they'll sort it out later. And because Jakita leaves the reader slightly unsatisfied by killing the only guy who could end it in a meaningful way, Warren Ellis ends the story with a small information dump.
Jakita kills the overreaching scientist who relies on his singular knowledge of the plot being plot armor. Jakita doesn't give a fuck about the plot so, you know, his plot armor does him know good. She figures they'll sort it out later. And because Jakita leaves the reader slightly unsatisfied by killing the only guy who could end it in a meaningful way, Warren Ellis ends the story with a small information dump.
This sounds like a word problem. Should I be able to come up with a syllogism that answers the mysteries so far from these four premises?
The Ranking!
Interesting issue that wasn't really a complete story which might be why my brain didn't fully remember it but my body remembered it was important. This is just a reminder that Planetary existed before Elijah Snow joined and the history that he missed is important. Plus we're given a little puzzle at the end! The Fourth Man missing in 1997 and then Elijah Snow was found in 2000? Elijah Snow has never heard of Ambrose Chase but Ambrose Chase used his reality distorting powers as he died so maybe he caused Snow to forget about his existence? Jakita Wagner was already a member before Chase joined and Chase met the Fourth Man which almost certainly means Jakita met the Fourth Man before he disappeared so she knows more about Elijah than he does¹⁰. And the last premise given, that the fictional creature is still at large, is just, um, foreshadowing for a future encounter, I guess? Probably doesn't actually fit in with the other premises, right?!
Um, anyway, just thought I'd close out with a letter to show that it didn't take the Internet to get Conservative fans angry when their stupid political ideas are called out.
Interesting issue that wasn't really a complete story which might be why my brain didn't fully remember it but my body remembered it was important. This is just a reminder that Planetary existed before Elijah Snow joined and the history that he missed is important. Plus we're given a little puzzle at the end! The Fourth Man missing in 1997 and then Elijah Snow was found in 2000? Elijah Snow has never heard of Ambrose Chase but Ambrose Chase used his reality distorting powers as he died so maybe he caused Snow to forget about his existence? Jakita Wagner was already a member before Chase joined and Chase met the Fourth Man which almost certainly means Jakita met the Fourth Man before he disappeared so she knows more about Elijah than he does¹⁰. And the last premise given, that the fictional creature is still at large, is just, um, foreshadowing for a future encounter, I guess? Probably doesn't actually fit in with the other premises, right?!
Um, anyway, just thought I'd close out with a letter to show that it didn't take the Internet to get Conservative fans angry when their stupid political ideas are called out.
Oh! Poor Mr. Bill "Snowflake" Fartrand needs his safe space!
__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Correctly. Or, at least, more correctly than it gets used on tumblr, Twitter, or Facebook.
² This might sound like I'm subtweeting some friend or relation who constantly posts about Disney (and it very well could be) but it's not; I sincerely just picked "Disney adult" off the top of my head as I typed my way through the void of my Abyssian thoughts.
³ I don't mean this as an insult to the person's intelligence! I mean this as that thing we all often do as we read where we know we've gone through the motion and read the words but the meanings of those words didn't actually stick and you suddenly realize, like a literate form of highway hypnosis, that you've missed your exit and you have to go back five or six pages to get back on track. Ugh. That metaphor just caused a ten car pile-up.
⁴ No judgment as I sit in my Hot Topic women's cut Wednesday pajamas, a show that I've never seen but, after discovering that Enid, the other character on the pajamas, is a werewolf, has me pondering looking into it.
⁵ I don't mean I've missed out on "all music" by saying I've missed out on "the whole of music". I mean I've missed out on much of the landscape of music, or the whole of it, because time? Where is it? How do I have so little left to me?!
⁶ Like a cat leaving a still breathing mouse lying on the pavement with its guts hanging out.
⁷ Non-magical
⁸ Although if this is the case, how did you even read this far into the "review"? These reviews are nothing but my stupid takes!
⁹ Yes. Every single one.
¹⁰ Still working on the assumption that my memory is correct and Elijah is the Fourth Man unless that's not my memory at all and just the simple deduction which the comic book is leading everybody to.
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