E!TACT #27
Hit Girl #4, The Hellblazer #22, No Justice #3, No Justice #4, Plastic Man #1, Terrifics #4, Poetry Corner, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
By Grunion Guy
Comic Book Reviews!
Hit Girl #4, The Hellblazer #22, No Justice #3, No Justice #4, Plastic Man #1, Terrifics #4, Poetry Corner, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
By Grunion Guy
Comic Book Reviews!
Hit Girl #4
By Millar and Lopez Ortiz
Hit-Girl murders a bunch of people in violent and gory ways and I've lost all sense of why this comic book exists. Is it a parody of overly violent super-heroes? Is it a serious statement about how only brutal means are effective against brutal criminals? Is it simply a joke thought up by Millar while out drinking one night: "What if a tween girl becomes an assassin for justice?! How humiliating would it be to get split in two by a katana wielded by a young girl with unicorn earrings on her ears and a maxi-pad junior in her underwear?!" Whatever the reason for this comic book's existence, I think I finally reached my murder threshold after this issue. About half the pages in this comic book are simply panels showing drug dealers being slaughtered in graphic detail. If the ultimate joke of this book is that a young child is really efficient at killing people, I think I've lost my taste for it.
I know that's what the comic book has been about for years! It's just that, for some inexplicable reason that I can't put my trigger finger on, it has lost its abstract nature and has become more realistic than I think even Millar wanted this comic book and Kick-Ass to feel. Maybe it would be different if Hit-Girl were sympathetic or likable in some fashion. But she's just a psychotic teenage sociopath who uses a vague sense of morality to rationalize her love of killing. I just don't think that's enough for me anymore.
By Millar and Lopez Ortiz
Hit-Girl murders a bunch of people in violent and gory ways and I've lost all sense of why this comic book exists. Is it a parody of overly violent super-heroes? Is it a serious statement about how only brutal means are effective against brutal criminals? Is it simply a joke thought up by Millar while out drinking one night: "What if a tween girl becomes an assassin for justice?! How humiliating would it be to get split in two by a katana wielded by a young girl with unicorn earrings on her ears and a maxi-pad junior in her underwear?!" Whatever the reason for this comic book's existence, I think I finally reached my murder threshold after this issue. About half the pages in this comic book are simply panels showing drug dealers being slaughtered in graphic detail. If the ultimate joke of this book is that a young child is really efficient at killing people, I think I've lost my taste for it.
I know that's what the comic book has been about for years! It's just that, for some inexplicable reason that I can't put my trigger finger on, it has lost its abstract nature and has become more realistic than I think even Millar wanted this comic book and Kick-Ass to feel. Maybe it would be different if Hit-Girl were sympathetic or likable in some fashion. But she's just a psychotic teenage sociopath who uses a vague sense of morality to rationalize her love of killing. I just don't think that's enough for me anymore.
Wait. He knows the "loves to murder for the fun of it" part of her. What's the other half that makes her a monster?! Is she into fucking goats against their will?
Rating: Oh, who am I kidding? I'll probably keep reading this. What a premise: a tween girl who's an expert assassin! Ha ha! So unbelievable!
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While the other trees need to be awakened, the Tree of Wisdom needs to be calmed down. It'll probably need a nap after this.
Plastic Man is a smarmy bitch.
I might not know how to review comic books but I know how to spot somebody who loves a good dick joke.
I'm so disappointed in you, Internet.
They get it!
The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."
Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!
The Hellblazer #22
By Seeley, Fabbri, Dalla Vecchia, and Strachan
Rating: This comic book expects me to remember everything that has happened in all twenty-one issues before it. I can't be bothered. Or it's physically impossible for me to remember twenty pages of comic book that I spend five to ten minutes on once a month over the last two years. But that's just depressing to think about because I used to be able to remember things like that. Maybe it was just that I was somehow passionate about comic books thirty years ago and so the stories stuck better. But now most of them don't have any real impact and I can't give up any mental real estate on remembering all of the demons Constantine has pissed off over the last two years. So instead of saying, "I just can't remember any plots to any comic books I read so why am I bothering with them?", I'd rather say, "I can't be bothered to remember any of The Hellblazer stories." It makes me feel more in control even when I just explained how it's all a big lie.
Is it better to be so delusional that you don't know you're deluded or better to understand and proudly embrace your delusional nature? I think one of those makes you a Fox News viewer and the other makes you a Shakespearean character.
By Seeley, Fabbri, Dalla Vecchia, and Strachan
Rating: This comic book expects me to remember everything that has happened in all twenty-one issues before it. I can't be bothered. Or it's physically impossible for me to remember twenty pages of comic book that I spend five to ten minutes on once a month over the last two years. But that's just depressing to think about because I used to be able to remember things like that. Maybe it was just that I was somehow passionate about comic books thirty years ago and so the stories stuck better. But now most of them don't have any real impact and I can't give up any mental real estate on remembering all of the demons Constantine has pissed off over the last two years. So instead of saying, "I just can't remember any plots to any comic books I read so why am I bothering with them?", I'd rather say, "I can't be bothered to remember any of The Hellblazer stories." It makes me feel more in control even when I just explained how it's all a big lie.
Is it better to be so delusional that you don't know you're deluded or better to understand and proudly embrace your delusional nature? I think one of those makes you a Fox News viewer and the other makes you a Shakespearean character.
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No Justice #3
By Snyder, Tynion IV, Williamson, Rossmo, To, and Hi-Fi
Wonder Woman activates the Tree of Wonder by believing in herself. She also has the help of her teammates who make sure to believe in her too. My concern is this: it took Brainiac's intelligence to put together a group of people who could believe in Wonder Woman? Couldn't any four other people from Earth have been placed on Wonder Woman's team? I mean aside from members of 4chan and Gamergate dudes. It's this type of lazy writing that practically forces me to be a cynic while reading comic books. Since no plot reasons were needed for Team Wonder, it becomes an arbitrary and generic group of DC magic users. Couldn't Snyder have come up with a specific reason for every character to be on each team? That's what I was expecting. Although I shouldn't be coming up with arguments to make this series any longer than four issues. Maybe it's better if each character fits on the team for only the most tenuous of reasons.
I suppose, from Snyder's point of view, every member of Team Wonder had a role. Etrigan woke up the angry spirits of the dead so that Zatanna would notice that their magic doesn't work so well. Then Raven was able to pipe up that her empathy still worked just fine which gave Wonder Woman the idea to believe in herself.
I didn't say Snyder's point of view was genius.
On Team Wisdom, Harley shows why she's needed when she says something wacky. It allows Cyborg to have an epiphany! Of course that epiphany is that he has a Mother Box at his disposal which he really should have remembered on his own. The Mother Box enables Cyborg to fuck the Tree of Wisdom.
By Snyder, Tynion IV, Williamson, Rossmo, To, and Hi-Fi
Wonder Woman activates the Tree of Wonder by believing in herself. She also has the help of her teammates who make sure to believe in her too. My concern is this: it took Brainiac's intelligence to put together a group of people who could believe in Wonder Woman? Couldn't any four other people from Earth have been placed on Wonder Woman's team? I mean aside from members of 4chan and Gamergate dudes. It's this type of lazy writing that practically forces me to be a cynic while reading comic books. Since no plot reasons were needed for Team Wonder, it becomes an arbitrary and generic group of DC magic users. Couldn't Snyder have come up with a specific reason for every character to be on each team? That's what I was expecting. Although I shouldn't be coming up with arguments to make this series any longer than four issues. Maybe it's better if each character fits on the team for only the most tenuous of reasons.
I suppose, from Snyder's point of view, every member of Team Wonder had a role. Etrigan woke up the angry spirits of the dead so that Zatanna would notice that their magic doesn't work so well. Then Raven was able to pipe up that her empathy still worked just fine which gave Wonder Woman the idea to believe in herself.
I didn't say Snyder's point of view was genius.
On Team Wisdom, Harley shows why she's needed when she says something wacky. It allows Cyborg to have an epiphany! Of course that epiphany is that he has a Mother Box at his disposal which he really should have remembered on his own. The Mother Box enables Cyborg to fuck the Tree of Wisdom.
While the other trees need to be awakened, the Tree of Wisdom needs to be calmed down. It'll probably need a nap after this.
In the end, the Justice League fails to save Colu. They do manage to save hundreds of planets that the Coluans had in cold storage so that's a decent trade. The main problem is that Galactus the Omega Titans are now heading to Earth to devour it. And the only hero standing in their way is Green Arrow. Maybe he'll confuse them all by being wonderful, mysterious, wise, and chaotic.
Rating: The only thing I ask when a writer takes up a premise like this is to fulfill that premise. If you're going to base a story on how the only people who can save the world are four specific teams that nobody ever thought of forming, the composition of those teams should make a difference to the story. I guess that's why Snyder had Brainiac killed. It's an easy way to say, "These teams were meant to save the universe via a Rube Goldbergian dynamic. But only Brainiac could make that happen and he died. So now they're just winging it in an effort to save the universe." Also they fail which is more proof that they just didn't utilize the teams correctly. So I can see, story-wise, how Snyder can get away with failing to provide what he advertised. But he can't get away from me judging him for taking the lazy way out. 1 out of 5 stars!
P.S. I often have trouble coming up with a name or a specific word I want to use because my brain is a traitor and an asshole. But over the course of my life, I've developed circuitous ways to find that word or name. But now with the Internet, I can find the word or name much quicker! I was blocked on "Rube Goldberg" so I just went to Google and typed in "complicated contraption to cook egg." First hit: Wikipedia's entry for Rube Goldberg machine.
Rating: The only thing I ask when a writer takes up a premise like this is to fulfill that premise. If you're going to base a story on how the only people who can save the world are four specific teams that nobody ever thought of forming, the composition of those teams should make a difference to the story. I guess that's why Snyder had Brainiac killed. It's an easy way to say, "These teams were meant to save the universe via a Rube Goldbergian dynamic. But only Brainiac could make that happen and he died. So now they're just winging it in an effort to save the universe." Also they fail which is more proof that they just didn't utilize the teams correctly. So I can see, story-wise, how Snyder can get away with failing to provide what he advertised. But he can't get away from me judging him for taking the lazy way out. 1 out of 5 stars!
P.S. I often have trouble coming up with a name or a specific word I want to use because my brain is a traitor and an asshole. But over the course of my life, I've developed circuitous ways to find that word or name. But now with the Internet, I can find the word or name much quicker! I was blocked on "Rube Goldberg" so I just went to Google and typed in "complicated contraption to cook egg." First hit: Wikipedia's entry for Rube Goldberg machine.
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No Justice #4
By Snyder, Tynion IV, Williamson, Manapul, and Hi-Fi
The back cover of this issue reads, "At the twilight of humanity...Dawn of the Omega Titans!" I hope Dawn is hot. Shit, listen to me! I sound like a comic book reading noob! Of course Dawn is hot! She's a female in a comic book! If there's one thing comic books have gotten right, it's getting rid of all the uggos!
I had to check with Urban Dictionary to make sure "uggo" didn't have any racial or sexist connotations before using it. Turns out it's just a mean word to use on ugly people so I think that's okay. People stopped caring about what ugly people had to say the day MTV launched. Anyway, being super lazy, I never type in the actual URL of any site I'm going to even when the site is super obvious. I just type in the part that site's name between the www and the dot com. But when I typed "urban" into the address bar, my stupid browser tried to finish it with outfitters! Are there any lawyers who specialize in suing predictive text applications because I'm extremely offended right now.
My brain just asked itself the most important question that can be asked about this comic book series: "Why is it called 'No Justice'?" That's a good question, brain! Better than the question my penis was asking which I won't repeat because you'll never enjoy a Pop Tart ever again if you heard it.
So, um, why no justice? Probably because everything is random and "justice" is just our way of trying to create order out of chaos. There's no justice in four cosmic Galacti, having been summoned by Earth's heroes' actions to save the universe, suddenly arriving to destroy the universe. My supposition is that, in the end, the idea that there is no benevolent will behind the creation and movement of the universe will be the impetus behind the Justice League working even harder to instill order. Superman will step forward and say, "If there is no inherent justice in this uncaring and unforgiving shithole of a void, then let us stand up and become that justice!" Batman will awkwardly try to hide his boner while Wonder Woman will wish she'd installed a thick and absorbent gusset into her costume. Meanwhile the Guardians of the Universe will be shuffling around in the background mumbling, "Real original idea there, Supes." And even further in the back, way down in the shadows, Vril Dox will think, "What kind of pansy-ass justice will they mete out to the universe? To keep this chaos in check, the universe needs a tough anti-hero kind of justice! Time for L.E.G.I.O.N. '18!"
To save Earth, Cyborg comes up with a plan: a play-action pass! That's sports talk for pretending to run when you actually intend to pass. It totally fakes out the defense because the quarterback totally tucks the big fat ball into his armpit after having pretended to give it to the running back. It doesn't work as well as most people think it works because most quarterbacks have small armpits and also aren't good at pretending they don't have the ball. Also, if the Omega Titans are well disciplined, they'll know better than to bite at the fake hand off. They'll keep their positions knowing that the defensive line Omega Titans should be able to handle the run play. Of course, if the running back slaps the shot with a backhand switcheroo, it'll be a home run and the Omega Titans will lose 40-love.
What I'm trying to say is that Cyborg is a black American superhero so he always compares saving the world to football plays. It's probably not racist since he was a high school football star. Which, again, is probably not racist because he was also super smart. What might be racist is the way I'm hyper-aware of all of this race stuff.
Cyborg explains how they can save Earth after downloading Brainiac's mind into his. It's no use explaining it here because it didn't actually make much sense in the comic book either. Something about needing to fire their seed into one of the Omega Titans so that the other ones will eat its now pregnant ass. It's gross and weird and disgusting and now I want a Pop Tart.
Rating: This was just another comic book series that wasn't meant to tell a story so much as move the pieces around the game board so that DC readers would be prepared for a new version of the Justice League on the shelves and understand why there was once again a Justice League Dark and to remind them to buy whatever the fuck Justice League Odyssey was (probably the Justice League in space). It also made sure to mention that an Outsiders comic book was on the way and, although not explicitly revealed as a new title, I'm sure everybody should be saving a few bucks for the new L.E.G.I.O.N. book. Oh, and Green Arrow now has the power to destroy the Justice League if it ever comes to that. How? I don't know. But to stop the Justice League, all you need is a small antique box.
By Snyder, Tynion IV, Williamson, Manapul, and Hi-Fi
The back cover of this issue reads, "At the twilight of humanity...Dawn of the Omega Titans!" I hope Dawn is hot. Shit, listen to me! I sound like a comic book reading noob! Of course Dawn is hot! She's a female in a comic book! If there's one thing comic books have gotten right, it's getting rid of all the uggos!
I had to check with Urban Dictionary to make sure "uggo" didn't have any racial or sexist connotations before using it. Turns out it's just a mean word to use on ugly people so I think that's okay. People stopped caring about what ugly people had to say the day MTV launched. Anyway, being super lazy, I never type in the actual URL of any site I'm going to even when the site is super obvious. I just type in the part that site's name between the www and the dot com. But when I typed "urban" into the address bar, my stupid browser tried to finish it with outfitters! Are there any lawyers who specialize in suing predictive text applications because I'm extremely offended right now.
My brain just asked itself the most important question that can be asked about this comic book series: "Why is it called 'No Justice'?" That's a good question, brain! Better than the question my penis was asking which I won't repeat because you'll never enjoy a Pop Tart ever again if you heard it.
So, um, why no justice? Probably because everything is random and "justice" is just our way of trying to create order out of chaos. There's no justice in four cosmic Galacti, having been summoned by Earth's heroes' actions to save the universe, suddenly arriving to destroy the universe. My supposition is that, in the end, the idea that there is no benevolent will behind the creation and movement of the universe will be the impetus behind the Justice League working even harder to instill order. Superman will step forward and say, "If there is no inherent justice in this uncaring and unforgiving shithole of a void, then let us stand up and become that justice!" Batman will awkwardly try to hide his boner while Wonder Woman will wish she'd installed a thick and absorbent gusset into her costume. Meanwhile the Guardians of the Universe will be shuffling around in the background mumbling, "Real original idea there, Supes." And even further in the back, way down in the shadows, Vril Dox will think, "What kind of pansy-ass justice will they mete out to the universe? To keep this chaos in check, the universe needs a tough anti-hero kind of justice! Time for L.E.G.I.O.N. '18!"
To save Earth, Cyborg comes up with a plan: a play-action pass! That's sports talk for pretending to run when you actually intend to pass. It totally fakes out the defense because the quarterback totally tucks the big fat ball into his armpit after having pretended to give it to the running back. It doesn't work as well as most people think it works because most quarterbacks have small armpits and also aren't good at pretending they don't have the ball. Also, if the Omega Titans are well disciplined, they'll know better than to bite at the fake hand off. They'll keep their positions knowing that the defensive line Omega Titans should be able to handle the run play. Of course, if the running back slaps the shot with a backhand switcheroo, it'll be a home run and the Omega Titans will lose 40-love.
What I'm trying to say is that Cyborg is a black American superhero so he always compares saving the world to football plays. It's probably not racist since he was a high school football star. Which, again, is probably not racist because he was also super smart. What might be racist is the way I'm hyper-aware of all of this race stuff.
Cyborg explains how they can save Earth after downloading Brainiac's mind into his. It's no use explaining it here because it didn't actually make much sense in the comic book either. Something about needing to fire their seed into one of the Omega Titans so that the other ones will eat its now pregnant ass. It's gross and weird and disgusting and now I want a Pop Tart.
Rating: This was just another comic book series that wasn't meant to tell a story so much as move the pieces around the game board so that DC readers would be prepared for a new version of the Justice League on the shelves and understand why there was once again a Justice League Dark and to remind them to buy whatever the fuck Justice League Odyssey was (probably the Justice League in space). It also made sure to mention that an Outsiders comic book was on the way and, although not explicitly revealed as a new title, I'm sure everybody should be saving a few bucks for the new L.E.G.I.O.N. book. Oh, and Green Arrow now has the power to destroy the Justice League if it ever comes to that. How? I don't know. But to stop the Justice League, all you need is a small antique box.
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Plastic Man #1
By Simone, Adriana, and Fitzpatrick
By Simone, Adriana, and Fitzpatrick
Plastic Man is a smarmy bitch.
With the return of Plastic Man to the DC Universe, DC Comics is declaring they don't give a fuck about being taken seriously anymore. Which is a good thing! Plastic Man is a sign that DC is daring to have fun again. They completely lost their sense of humor for awhile and then doubled down on not ever having a sense of humor ever again with The New 52. "Ambush Bug and Detective Chimp?" spat Dan DiDio into the faces of every writer who dared to mention that they chuckled at Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League one time. "They're out! Put them in a stupid news feature in the back of the comic book! Make sure everybody knows they're out of continuity!" he declared as he wrote on the white board in the staff meeting room, "Continuity is king!" But after being criticized for a number of New 52 years and realizing that maybe they weren't making the barrels full of cash they had anticipated, Dan DiDio erased the white board and wrote, "Fans are stupid jerks." Then he put Tom King in charge of Batman to make sure everybody knew continuity was less important than great story telling.
By the way, that was a compliment for Tom King! It was also a criticism for all the people who can't stand Tom King's Batman because they wouldn't know a good story if Scott Lobdell knew how to write one.
I'm pretty sure I made my point in one of those last two paragraphs so I'm just going to move on without rereading them.
So. Plastic Man. He's perhaps the goofiest comic book character in the DC Universe that isn't named Aquaman. But he has to be taken seriously now because Scott Snyder said so. Although maybe I'm wrong about that because why would DC give a serious character to Gail Simone? She's just going to make him revel in fart and dick jokes.
You know what I just realized? I'm terrible at comic book reviews.
The issue begins with Eel getting his ass kicked by some low life thugs who used to be his friends. Then he makes a dick joke.
By the way, that was a compliment for Tom King! It was also a criticism for all the people who can't stand Tom King's Batman because they wouldn't know a good story if Scott Lobdell knew how to write one.
I'm pretty sure I made my point in one of those last two paragraphs so I'm just going to move on without rereading them.
So. Plastic Man. He's perhaps the goofiest comic book character in the DC Universe that isn't named Aquaman. But he has to be taken seriously now because Scott Snyder said so. Although maybe I'm wrong about that because why would DC give a serious character to Gail Simone? She's just going to make him revel in fart and dick jokes.
You know what I just realized? I'm terrible at comic book reviews.
The issue begins with Eel getting his ass kicked by some low life thugs who used to be his friends. Then he makes a dick joke.
I might not know how to review comic books but I know how to spot somebody who loves a good dick joke.
For somebody who thinks they know a good dick joke, I can't even think of one right now. And the more I think about it, the more I realize maybe I've never told one in my entire life! What constitutes a good dick joke? Is it just referencing a penis like in the panel above? Does that count? Is emphasizing Grayson's first name when Bruce is scolding him technically a dick joke? Is the bill for the therapist I hired because the first woman who ever put her hands down my pants chuckled a dick joke? Oh wait! I just remembered a couple of dick jokes! The first one is that one where the guy wishes for a seven inch pianist (which seems weird because why not wish for an eight inch pianist? Is that too much?!). The other one I first heard in fifth grade and I didn't understand it but I pretended to because I didn't want to be embarrassed. It had a really strange premise where a cop was arresting me and a friend and somebody we didn't like (for purposes of the joke at the time, the person my friend and I didn't like was Paul Avila (sorry, Paul, if you're Googling your name!)). For some reason, the perverted cop decided he would let us all go if our penises measured thirteen inches. So I pulled out mine and it was six inches. Then my friend Daniel pulled out his and it was six and a half inches (of course he got the biggest penis! He was telling the joke!). Then Paul pulled out his and it was half an inch. Just enough so that the cop allowed us to go free. Afterward, Paul said, "Whew! Good thing I was popping a boner!" I laughed even though I was in fifth grade and didn't know the slang term "popping a boner." Maybe I was just a late bloomer and had never popped one before. It's hard to say because I didn't keep a boner diary when I was younger.
That last sentence makes it sound like I keep a boner diary now. But that's none of your business.
Anyway, Plastic Man works in a strip club where the strippers dress like superheroes. I hope most of the comic book takes place in this location. A few years ago, I met a stripper who called herself Princess Unicorn Pants. I still regret not running away with her because now I just sit alone at night searching for porn that never exists on Tumblr.
That last sentence makes it sound like I keep a boner diary now. But that's none of your business.
Anyway, Plastic Man works in a strip club where the strippers dress like superheroes. I hope most of the comic book takes place in this location. A few years ago, I met a stripper who called herself Princess Unicorn Pants. I still regret not running away with her because now I just sit alone at night searching for porn that never exists on Tumblr.
I'm so disappointed in you, Internet.
Later, after Plastic Man has a nightmare about the guy he thinks he killed when he was a criminal, a woman named Obscura shows up in his apartment. She works for Spyral which is probably important because she might know Dick Grayson and Dick Grayson's first name is Dick. Get it?
They get it!
I'm glad Gail Simone deals with the elephant in the room in this first issue otherwise I'd be reading every issue thinking, "So, how big is Plastic Man's penis? Big, right?" And I think this answers the question! Just look at Obscura's face! That's not the face of a woman looking at a tiny penis. I should know because I've never seen that face before.
Obscura wants to discuss the kind of conspiracy you'd learn about if you read Rosanne Barr's Twitter feed. And just as Plastic Man is learning about this conspiracy, he's drawn directly into it! His old criminal pal Benny is murdered and before he dies, he writes, "IT JLA," in blood on the wall. So Obscura was right! The superhero teams have been infiltrated by baddies! I hope they aren't Manhunters again. Or white Martians! Although when your team has Lobo on it, would you really be surprised if people began winding up slaughtered for no reason? Seriously, Batman, maybe try Zip Recruiter next time.
Plastic Man is fingered for the murder which sounds sexier than it really is. He'll probably get away next issue or else this series is just going to be Plastic Man telling dick jokes from a prison cell for fifty issues.
Rating: Three and a half inches out of five inches. Is that enough to satisfy readers? I don't think so. Maybe I should say seven inches out of ten inches. That sounds like a better system, right?! Now to see if maybe PorhHub knows what Sleestaks do in the privacy of their own caves.
Obscura wants to discuss the kind of conspiracy you'd learn about if you read Rosanne Barr's Twitter feed. And just as Plastic Man is learning about this conspiracy, he's drawn directly into it! His old criminal pal Benny is murdered and before he dies, he writes, "IT JLA," in blood on the wall. So Obscura was right! The superhero teams have been infiltrated by baddies! I hope they aren't Manhunters again. Or white Martians! Although when your team has Lobo on it, would you really be surprised if people began winding up slaughtered for no reason? Seriously, Batman, maybe try Zip Recruiter next time.
Plastic Man is fingered for the murder which sounds sexier than it really is. He'll probably get away next issue or else this series is just going to be Plastic Man telling dick jokes from a prison cell for fifty issues.
Rating: Three and a half inches out of five inches. Is that enough to satisfy readers? I don't think so. Maybe I should say seven inches out of ten inches. That sounds like a better system, right?! Now to see if maybe PorhHub knows what Sleestaks do in the privacy of their own caves.
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The Terrifics #4
By Shaner, Lemire, and Fairbairn
By Shaner, Lemire, and Fairbairn
The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."
What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"
That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.
If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.
I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!
Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't already have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"
The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).
That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.
If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.
I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!
Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't already have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"
The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).
Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!
The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!
Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"
The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!
Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.
Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"
The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!
Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.
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Poetry Corner With Grunion Guy!
Poetry Corner With Grunion Guy!
Amalgamation
When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Kennedy was shot
While Robespierre killed thousands
A Fat Man did the same
During a trial of ideas
Which left a great Greek dead
And caused a sudden rush towards space.
When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Prohibition caused a war
Between Europeans and indigenous
As a man named Jack killed London whores
Lincoln sat and watched a play
Of a culture lost across the sea
And enslaved through countless years.
When Jesus Christ was crucified,
A universe was formed
And dinosaurs roamed through the space
Between atoms and seconds and stars
Between cities which rose to cover the globe
As a flood cleansed this world's sins
In a garden of once perfect bliss.
Jesus Christ was crucified the moment I was born.
When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Kennedy was shot
While Robespierre killed thousands
A Fat Man did the same
During a trial of ideas
Which left a great Greek dead
And caused a sudden rush towards space.
When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Prohibition caused a war
Between Europeans and indigenous
As a man named Jack killed London whores
Lincoln sat and watched a play
Of a culture lost across the sea
And enslaved through countless years.
When Jesus Christ was crucified,
A universe was formed
And dinosaurs roamed through the space
Between atoms and seconds and stars
Between cities which rose to cover the globe
As a flood cleansed this world's sins
In a garden of once perfect bliss.
Jesus Christ was crucified the moment I was born.
* * * * * * * * * *
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Guggenheim Love by Ookla the Mok
Remember the good old days when Ookla the Mok weren't just singing about The Incredible Hulk's lunch program or Captain America's uncircumcised penis? (You might if you aren't just now thinking, "Who the fuck are Ookla the Mok?") Sometimes they sang about their sad and pathetic attempts at relationships as well! This song is about the relationship that tanked for an unknown reason. It might be clear what that reason was if the narrator in the song remembered more of what his girlfriend said other than "Blah blah blah blah!"
Okay, you know what? That's not fair! Most of the song is actually composed of quotes from the probably fictional girlfriend as she explained art to the asshole. Here's a great line that doesn't hold up so well in this post-Chris-Hardwick future: "I want to smash your face every time you mention negative space." Remember just hours ago when we could laugh at a nerd physically assaulting a woman that actually wants to share her loves with him and even wants to have sex with him? But now I can only shake my head and think, "Stop laughing at that line! Someone might see you and @ you on Twitter about it!"
The title of this album is Less Than Art which might be my favorite album title of all time. Less because "Less than art" is a good title and more because the cover depicts a burned out K-Mart sign that reads "< art". Don't you just love burned out signs that read differently than they're supposed to?! It's like when a singer is about to rhyme a bad word but then stutters on the first word and winds up saying a non-swear word that doesn't rhyme at all! Classic!
This song is pretty catchy though! Plus I learned the names of some artists that I can drop into conversations to sound artsy!
Grade: B.
A.M. 180 by Grandaddy
I feel like I just reviewed a song from Grandaddy's Under the Western Freeway! It seems like it might be too soon to review another one. But what can I do? I'm not in control of anything. This universe is chaotic and random and we're just barely hanging on by whichever cliché you want to use (you know, the teeth one or the nails one. There might also be one using the scrotum that I've never heard of but I'd use it if I had).
This song sounds like a kid playing hopscotch who is suddenly hit by their first bout of severe depression who, about halfway through the song, is suddenly swarmed by bees. It's not to everybody's taste. But if you ever found yourself sitting at a Taco Bell taking another boring bite from the blandest burrito you knew was going to be bland before you even bit into it and thinking, "You know what would make this better? A song that sounds like a child playing hopscotch who suddenly was hit by depression and then was attacked by killer bees," then this is almost certainly the song for you.
I've realized that hipsters have turned every single band into their own musical genre by appending as many different labels to describe a band's sound as possible so my music reviews can get pretty specific to appeal to their tastes.
Grade: B.
It'll Chew You Up and Spit You Out by Concrete Blonde
I like rock and roll. I seem to prefer rock and roll sung by women or men with women's names like Alice or Marilyn or Iron Maiden. In liking rock and roll, I'd be amiss to not like Concrete Blonde. In some ways, they are what rock and roll wishes it had always been and will always be. Their music has guitars and drums and angst and the occasional cow bell (unless that's just a cymbal (which it probably is)). It's like if you played this song to somebody who had never heard rock and roll before, they would say, "Hey. Is this rock and roll?" Then you could say, "Yeah!" After that, you'd have bonded. You'd both suddenly want to chug a beer out of a can and talk about each other's Levi's. Then one of you might say, "That song was really rock and roll! Let's hear another one by this Concrete Blonde!" And then you'd randomly start playing another one called Mexican Moon and your new friend would spit out their beer and say, "Wait. This isn't rock and roll. What is this?" Then you might have to explain that "It'll Chew You Up and Spit You Out" wasn't exactly indicative of every song sung by Concrete Blonde. You might actually need to apologize too. Then maybe you could play "Spirit of the Radio" by Rush and they, having never heard it before, would probably say, "Is this prog rock?" You'd sigh in relief because now you could go back to drinking beers and talking about jeans, both of you ignoring that whole "Mexican Moon" incident.
Grade: B.
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
When I think of The Cure, I think of this song. Their songs obviously swing wildly from depressed about breaking up with a woman you loved more than life itself to realizing all life is a meaningless pastiche of random events that somehow led to you or an Arab dying in the sand to being so hopelessly in love that you sing about the calendar to spilling milk and fucking like cats. But for some reason, this is the song that makes me think a stranger would hear it and say, "Is this The Cure?"
This song contains the exact beat and rhythm which, when distilled to its pure essence, could be used to recreate The 80's. It's the sound of 80's dancing. It feels like 80's hair. I can see the way people dressed just by listening to this song. If this song were sent into deep space aboard a craft and discovered by aliens, they would hear it and think, "These Earthlings are fucking cool, man." Then they'd all start dancing like Molly Ringwald.
Grade: A.
Only Women Bleed by Alice Cooper
My dad bought a jukebox for his house about a decade ago. I purchased this single for the jukebox. Not long after that, his current wife removed it from the jukebox because she "realized what it was about" and didn't like it. I put "realized what it was about" in quotes because I'm still not sure what that means. It seems like it's obvious that it's a song about domestic abuse so I tend to think my dad made a menstruation joke about the title and she made a face and went, "Ugh. This is about periods? Gross."
I once dated a woman who asked me, "Why is it always the woman who has to bleed?" after hearing this song. I smashed her in the face and said, "You tell me!" Dammit! That's not even funny in a pre-Chris-Hardwick world, is it?! What I really said after not having done the violent thing I pretended to do that wasn't funny even if it was a callback to the Guggenheim Love song review was this: "In his song, 'Burning Our Bed,' he says, 'Sometimes a man can bleed.' So if you're taking all of your strongly held beliefs about the universe from Alice Cooper songs, take heart! He tells you directly that men bleed too!" My response might have been embellished a bit from what I actually said. But you get the picture.
Anyway, I coldly broke up with her not long after that and avoided speaking to her ever again. But I least I didn't Chris Hardwick her!
Grade: A-.
Remember the good old days when Ookla the Mok weren't just singing about The Incredible Hulk's lunch program or Captain America's uncircumcised penis? (You might if you aren't just now thinking, "Who the fuck are Ookla the Mok?") Sometimes they sang about their sad and pathetic attempts at relationships as well! This song is about the relationship that tanked for an unknown reason. It might be clear what that reason was if the narrator in the song remembered more of what his girlfriend said other than "Blah blah blah blah!"
Okay, you know what? That's not fair! Most of the song is actually composed of quotes from the probably fictional girlfriend as she explained art to the asshole. Here's a great line that doesn't hold up so well in this post-Chris-Hardwick future: "I want to smash your face every time you mention negative space." Remember just hours ago when we could laugh at a nerd physically assaulting a woman that actually wants to share her loves with him and even wants to have sex with him? But now I can only shake my head and think, "Stop laughing at that line! Someone might see you and @ you on Twitter about it!"
The title of this album is Less Than Art which might be my favorite album title of all time. Less because "Less than art" is a good title and more because the cover depicts a burned out K-Mart sign that reads "< art". Don't you just love burned out signs that read differently than they're supposed to?! It's like when a singer is about to rhyme a bad word but then stutters on the first word and winds up saying a non-swear word that doesn't rhyme at all! Classic!
This song is pretty catchy though! Plus I learned the names of some artists that I can drop into conversations to sound artsy!
Grade: B.
A.M. 180 by Grandaddy
I feel like I just reviewed a song from Grandaddy's Under the Western Freeway! It seems like it might be too soon to review another one. But what can I do? I'm not in control of anything. This universe is chaotic and random and we're just barely hanging on by whichever cliché you want to use (you know, the teeth one or the nails one. There might also be one using the scrotum that I've never heard of but I'd use it if I had).
This song sounds like a kid playing hopscotch who is suddenly hit by their first bout of severe depression who, about halfway through the song, is suddenly swarmed by bees. It's not to everybody's taste. But if you ever found yourself sitting at a Taco Bell taking another boring bite from the blandest burrito you knew was going to be bland before you even bit into it and thinking, "You know what would make this better? A song that sounds like a child playing hopscotch who suddenly was hit by depression and then was attacked by killer bees," then this is almost certainly the song for you.
I've realized that hipsters have turned every single band into their own musical genre by appending as many different labels to describe a band's sound as possible so my music reviews can get pretty specific to appeal to their tastes.
Grade: B.
It'll Chew You Up and Spit You Out by Concrete Blonde
I like rock and roll. I seem to prefer rock and roll sung by women or men with women's names like Alice or Marilyn or Iron Maiden. In liking rock and roll, I'd be amiss to not like Concrete Blonde. In some ways, they are what rock and roll wishes it had always been and will always be. Their music has guitars and drums and angst and the occasional cow bell (unless that's just a cymbal (which it probably is)). It's like if you played this song to somebody who had never heard rock and roll before, they would say, "Hey. Is this rock and roll?" Then you could say, "Yeah!" After that, you'd have bonded. You'd both suddenly want to chug a beer out of a can and talk about each other's Levi's. Then one of you might say, "That song was really rock and roll! Let's hear another one by this Concrete Blonde!" And then you'd randomly start playing another one called Mexican Moon and your new friend would spit out their beer and say, "Wait. This isn't rock and roll. What is this?" Then you might have to explain that "It'll Chew You Up and Spit You Out" wasn't exactly indicative of every song sung by Concrete Blonde. You might actually need to apologize too. Then maybe you could play "Spirit of the Radio" by Rush and they, having never heard it before, would probably say, "Is this prog rock?" You'd sigh in relief because now you could go back to drinking beers and talking about jeans, both of you ignoring that whole "Mexican Moon" incident.
Grade: B.
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
When I think of The Cure, I think of this song. Their songs obviously swing wildly from depressed about breaking up with a woman you loved more than life itself to realizing all life is a meaningless pastiche of random events that somehow led to you or an Arab dying in the sand to being so hopelessly in love that you sing about the calendar to spilling milk and fucking like cats. But for some reason, this is the song that makes me think a stranger would hear it and say, "Is this The Cure?"
This song contains the exact beat and rhythm which, when distilled to its pure essence, could be used to recreate The 80's. It's the sound of 80's dancing. It feels like 80's hair. I can see the way people dressed just by listening to this song. If this song were sent into deep space aboard a craft and discovered by aliens, they would hear it and think, "These Earthlings are fucking cool, man." Then they'd all start dancing like Molly Ringwald.
Grade: A.
Only Women Bleed by Alice Cooper
My dad bought a jukebox for his house about a decade ago. I purchased this single for the jukebox. Not long after that, his current wife removed it from the jukebox because she "realized what it was about" and didn't like it. I put "realized what it was about" in quotes because I'm still not sure what that means. It seems like it's obvious that it's a song about domestic abuse so I tend to think my dad made a menstruation joke about the title and she made a face and went, "Ugh. This is about periods? Gross."
I once dated a woman who asked me, "Why is it always the woman who has to bleed?" after hearing this song. I smashed her in the face and said, "You tell me!" Dammit! That's not even funny in a pre-Chris-Hardwick world, is it?! What I really said after not having done the violent thing I pretended to do that wasn't funny even if it was a callback to the Guggenheim Love song review was this: "In his song, 'Burning Our Bed,' he says, 'Sometimes a man can bleed.' So if you're taking all of your strongly held beliefs about the universe from Alice Cooper songs, take heart! He tells you directly that men bleed too!" My response might have been embellished a bit from what I actually said. But you get the picture.
Anyway, I coldly broke up with her not long after that and avoided speaking to her ever again. But I least I didn't Chris Hardwick her!
Grade: A-.
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That's all! Can I end with 'That's all!' when it was actually quite a lot to read? I should put secret messages into my writing that lead to a secret stash of ten million dollars. That would probably ensure that people read every fucking word I write! My ego can't take thinking that nobody reads this shit! But would I feel better if people were only reading it because I bribed them to read it? Probably! Which is why there was a secret message in this Newsletter leading to ten million dollars! Good luck!
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