E!TACT! #24
INCEL SPECIAL #1
By Grunion Guy
INCEL SPECIAL #1
By Grunion Guy
There was a day when not getting laid wasn't the defining attribute of a person's life. That day isn't today though! In this new millennium, not getting laid is the most traumatic thing that can happen to a person who has reached sexual maturity. Oh, I'm not saying it wasn't also tough last millennium. It's just that it wasn't as tough! Back before the Internet was the all-consuming rough slouching beast we all know and can't not love, we didn't have a place where we could scream into the void, "I can't get laid!" Mostly because all the voids back then were public spaces where people could see who you were when you shouted it and they'd point and say, "Ha ha! Virgin!" I know some of you are thinking, "Why didn't the nerdy virgin shoot that person?" Well, let me tell you how old fashioned last century was: it wasn't acceptable to shoot people! You had to just live in silent shame just like every other teenager who wasn't getting laid. And there probably wasn't a lot of them! It was hard to tell back then but based on teen sex comedies, all of the teenagers but you were getting sex. And by "you," I mean "me" and probably "you" since you're reading a newsletter stemming from a comic book blog written by an Incel.
Oh! I probably should have put a trigger warning on the last paragraph because it contained the word "virgin." Sorry to scar every single person reading this.
So last night, I was on my favorite Incel forum typing a thoroughly logical and over-the-top rational treatise on why women should fuck guys they don't actually want to fuck for the good of all mankind when I took another peak at the forum rules to make sure my unimpeachable string of gotcha fuck rhetoric was within the parameters of the site when I realized maybe we had a bit of a problem in our community. I mean, the number one rule is not to brag if you've finally gotten some sex. Which means those of us who haven't gotten sex and feel like we have no hope must continue to live in hopelessness because we never see when one of our number finds their way out of this lonely pit of despair and hate-masturbation! We're only privy to endless posts by the worst of our community about how sex will remain out of our reach for our entire lives. How do we know they're the worst? Because they're still sexless and in our community after years and years, getting angrier and angrier, sitting in bigger and bigger pools of their own useless drying semen!
It also made me think, "Why is every ounce of my energy devoted to how I'm not getting laid?" But then I had a moment of clarity and realized the game is rigged and women get to fuck anybody they want so why can't I? (Oh yeah! Did I mention I was male? That's probably important if it wasn't already assumed because who else would be completely consumed by their lack of sexual experience? I mean, lack of experience being close to and intimate with another person? Obviously this isn't just about sex or else we'd all pay for it, right? And if that were the case, where we could pay for it to stop feeling so hurt and angry and resentful of this very specific thing and totally not a whole bunch of other things, we wouldn't be consumed with blind hatred for the world because the world would be smelling of roses because our dicks would be smelling of vaginas. And this situation isn't that simple, guys!) How can I not spend every waking moment despising the girl I have a huge crush on because I know she's fucking whatever gross guy she can find when she's feeling horny. There's totally no way she's sexless and pining over a guy totally out of her league because she's a girl and it's different! I mean, if she was really desperate, there's always me, right?! What's wrong with her?!
I once saw a tweet that said something like "How dare you say you're hungry when there's a perfectly good slice of pizza lying on the sidewalk?" and I almost thought about how it related to what I expect from women but then I remembered not one woman has fucked me and I got back to writing my treatise on how the world would be a better place if supermodels would spend more time hanging around high schools fucking losers.
Sorry. I hate to call anybody from our community a loser! That's probably against the rules. We shouldn't be looking at the faults of the people in the Incel community as to why we aren't getting laid (or why we're consumed with that one small aspect of our sexless lives). We should be asking why we're even in this predicament to begin with when women outnumber men in this country. Why aren't we all partnered up?! And I don't mean partnered up by some kind of lottery because I'm not sleeping with some girl I find gross (not that I've had that opportunity because even gross girls want hot guys. What is up with that?!). I want to be able to pick the woman I want to fuck and I want her to be totally into it. Why isn't she into it? I'm a nice guy and I'm sure I'd act more adult and be able to provide for her once I got the motivation by getting laid.
I once heard a story about this guy who hadn't been laid because he was into Blood Bowl, Apple IIe games, and a chick who didn't want to have sex with him no matter how many times he drunkenly cried in front of her. But then he was in a situation where he took the initiative and did a manly thing in front of a woman he had been playfully flirting with which totally led to fucking her later. He didn't even pursue her after that moment. She sought him out because he did something that impressed her. His friend, who had more seriously been flirting with her, said that she couldn't keep her eyes off that guy after the thing he did that didn't involve trying to fuck her at all and was just an independent action that helped a number of people. But then I was all, "He must have been good looking and thin and society is bullshit. Why didn't the friend get any pussy? I bet he was fat and his IQ was too high." So that story didn't help.
How is it fair that five guys in high school get all of the women? We need a more even playing field. For men, I mean. Not having sex is too complex an issue that's too time consuming for me to have to think about women possibly having similarly complex problems concerning getting laid for the first time. I mean, obviously when a woman first gets a horny thought in her head, all she has to do is walk down to the local bar and fuck any guy at all. Because all guys want to fuck therefore women have no problem getting laid. It's simple logic. So female Incels are urban legends and unicorns and myths and the only people who mention them are just trying to obfuscate the issue. And that issue is how dry it is in my pants.
I propose we start a national draft of fucking. Since men spent so many years having to fear being drafted into the military to risk our lives (many of us having never even known the pleasant touch of whatever it feels like to have a woman you've just met follow you into the bathroom at a party who then leans in to kiss you as she slips her hands down the back of your sweat pants before moving them around to the front to grasp your twitching rod. Oh man that must be the greatest thing on Earth! Why am I being denied these simple treasures?! I mean, I don't really go to parties or attempt to flirt with women or cultivate an image that would attract the attentions of like-minded women because what's the point? Remember how the game is rigged?! There will probably be fifty more attractive men at that party before me! And even if there are fifty-one women, they're all going to fight over the top ten attractive guys while the other forty-one go home later to hate-masturbate), women should now be forced into a sex draft. Whenever a guy is ready to get laid for the first time, he should be able to call a government agency who will then pull a fuck draft number. Then that woman must fly out to this guy at her own expense (or maybe we can use some government money for this. It's too important to leave up to the woman because if she doesn't have the money, the guy needing to get laid might start killing people) to fuck him. And she has to fuck him (unless he isn't attracted to her. Then he gets to pull another lottery number! Maybe the draft should only draft hot women. The others would be dismissed, not for flat feet but for flat chests! Ha ha)! None of this, "Well, he came as soon as I touched his penis so I did my job, right?" NO! You need to provide penetration! No suck and fuck where the suck gets the job done so you think you can put away the fuck! Plus remember how the draft was for four years? Yeah! This woman needs to be committed for as long as the guy doesn't get tired of her. This is just like military service! You can't just not fuck when the guy wants to fuck. That would be akin to going AWOL.
Some day, I'm sure that piece of legislation will be drafted but it won't help me. I'll probably be long dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound after going on a sexless killing rampage. And who can blame me?! Who can blame anybody who kills a bunch of people after not having sex for seventeen years of their life?! Not that the first twelve to fifteen should count in that timeline. So what I'm saying is "How can you blame anybody for being angry for not having sex for two to four years after reaching sexual maturity?! They should get it as soon as their dick first gets hard! Or else people are going to have to pay a price."
Hmm, now that I've said that in quotation marks, it seems a bit harsh. I might believe it but maybe people shouldn't quote me on it! That seems like something I should have typed anonymously on an Incel forum where it would receive a ton of support, making me think I was on the right track in my thinking.
Oh! I probably should have put a trigger warning on the last paragraph because it contained the word "virgin." Sorry to scar every single person reading this.
So last night, I was on my favorite Incel forum typing a thoroughly logical and over-the-top rational treatise on why women should fuck guys they don't actually want to fuck for the good of all mankind when I took another peak at the forum rules to make sure my unimpeachable string of gotcha fuck rhetoric was within the parameters of the site when I realized maybe we had a bit of a problem in our community. I mean, the number one rule is not to brag if you've finally gotten some sex. Which means those of us who haven't gotten sex and feel like we have no hope must continue to live in hopelessness because we never see when one of our number finds their way out of this lonely pit of despair and hate-masturbation! We're only privy to endless posts by the worst of our community about how sex will remain out of our reach for our entire lives. How do we know they're the worst? Because they're still sexless and in our community after years and years, getting angrier and angrier, sitting in bigger and bigger pools of their own useless drying semen!
It also made me think, "Why is every ounce of my energy devoted to how I'm not getting laid?" But then I had a moment of clarity and realized the game is rigged and women get to fuck anybody they want so why can't I? (Oh yeah! Did I mention I was male? That's probably important if it wasn't already assumed because who else would be completely consumed by their lack of sexual experience? I mean, lack of experience being close to and intimate with another person? Obviously this isn't just about sex or else we'd all pay for it, right? And if that were the case, where we could pay for it to stop feeling so hurt and angry and resentful of this very specific thing and totally not a whole bunch of other things, we wouldn't be consumed with blind hatred for the world because the world would be smelling of roses because our dicks would be smelling of vaginas. And this situation isn't that simple, guys!) How can I not spend every waking moment despising the girl I have a huge crush on because I know she's fucking whatever gross guy she can find when she's feeling horny. There's totally no way she's sexless and pining over a guy totally out of her league because she's a girl and it's different! I mean, if she was really desperate, there's always me, right?! What's wrong with her?!
I once saw a tweet that said something like "How dare you say you're hungry when there's a perfectly good slice of pizza lying on the sidewalk?" and I almost thought about how it related to what I expect from women but then I remembered not one woman has fucked me and I got back to writing my treatise on how the world would be a better place if supermodels would spend more time hanging around high schools fucking losers.
Sorry. I hate to call anybody from our community a loser! That's probably against the rules. We shouldn't be looking at the faults of the people in the Incel community as to why we aren't getting laid (or why we're consumed with that one small aspect of our sexless lives). We should be asking why we're even in this predicament to begin with when women outnumber men in this country. Why aren't we all partnered up?! And I don't mean partnered up by some kind of lottery because I'm not sleeping with some girl I find gross (not that I've had that opportunity because even gross girls want hot guys. What is up with that?!). I want to be able to pick the woman I want to fuck and I want her to be totally into it. Why isn't she into it? I'm a nice guy and I'm sure I'd act more adult and be able to provide for her once I got the motivation by getting laid.
I once heard a story about this guy who hadn't been laid because he was into Blood Bowl, Apple IIe games, and a chick who didn't want to have sex with him no matter how many times he drunkenly cried in front of her. But then he was in a situation where he took the initiative and did a manly thing in front of a woman he had been playfully flirting with which totally led to fucking her later. He didn't even pursue her after that moment. She sought him out because he did something that impressed her. His friend, who had more seriously been flirting with her, said that she couldn't keep her eyes off that guy after the thing he did that didn't involve trying to fuck her at all and was just an independent action that helped a number of people. But then I was all, "He must have been good looking and thin and society is bullshit. Why didn't the friend get any pussy? I bet he was fat and his IQ was too high." So that story didn't help.
How is it fair that five guys in high school get all of the women? We need a more even playing field. For men, I mean. Not having sex is too complex an issue that's too time consuming for me to have to think about women possibly having similarly complex problems concerning getting laid for the first time. I mean, obviously when a woman first gets a horny thought in her head, all she has to do is walk down to the local bar and fuck any guy at all. Because all guys want to fuck therefore women have no problem getting laid. It's simple logic. So female Incels are urban legends and unicorns and myths and the only people who mention them are just trying to obfuscate the issue. And that issue is how dry it is in my pants.
I propose we start a national draft of fucking. Since men spent so many years having to fear being drafted into the military to risk our lives (many of us having never even known the pleasant touch of whatever it feels like to have a woman you've just met follow you into the bathroom at a party who then leans in to kiss you as she slips her hands down the back of your sweat pants before moving them around to the front to grasp your twitching rod. Oh man that must be the greatest thing on Earth! Why am I being denied these simple treasures?! I mean, I don't really go to parties or attempt to flirt with women or cultivate an image that would attract the attentions of like-minded women because what's the point? Remember how the game is rigged?! There will probably be fifty more attractive men at that party before me! And even if there are fifty-one women, they're all going to fight over the top ten attractive guys while the other forty-one go home later to hate-masturbate), women should now be forced into a sex draft. Whenever a guy is ready to get laid for the first time, he should be able to call a government agency who will then pull a fuck draft number. Then that woman must fly out to this guy at her own expense (or maybe we can use some government money for this. It's too important to leave up to the woman because if she doesn't have the money, the guy needing to get laid might start killing people) to fuck him. And she has to fuck him (unless he isn't attracted to her. Then he gets to pull another lottery number! Maybe the draft should only draft hot women. The others would be dismissed, not for flat feet but for flat chests! Ha ha)! None of this, "Well, he came as soon as I touched his penis so I did my job, right?" NO! You need to provide penetration! No suck and fuck where the suck gets the job done so you think you can put away the fuck! Plus remember how the draft was for four years? Yeah! This woman needs to be committed for as long as the guy doesn't get tired of her. This is just like military service! You can't just not fuck when the guy wants to fuck. That would be akin to going AWOL.
Some day, I'm sure that piece of legislation will be drafted but it won't help me. I'll probably be long dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound after going on a sexless killing rampage. And who can blame me?! Who can blame anybody who kills a bunch of people after not having sex for seventeen years of their life?! Not that the first twelve to fifteen should count in that timeline. So what I'm saying is "How can you blame anybody for being angry for not having sex for two to four years after reaching sexual maturity?! They should get it as soon as their dick first gets hard! Or else people are going to have to pay a price."
Hmm, now that I've said that in quotation marks, it seems a bit harsh. I might believe it but maybe people shouldn't quote me on it! That seems like something I should have typed anonymously on an Incel forum where it would receive a ton of support, making me think I was on the right track in my thinking.
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Incel Comic Book Reviews!
Incel Comic Book Reviews!
Action Comics Special #1
By Jurgens, Russell, Landis, Conrad, Thompson, Manapul, and Quintana
It's obvious Luthor is an Incel. His motivations make no sense otherwise. Here is Superman, the uncuckiest of the uncucky, come from outside Earth to fuck any woman he wants. Sure, he only chooses three (Lana, Lois, and Diana) but that doesn't stop all of the other Earth women expecting every man they meet to be as good as Superman. He's fucking unleveling the playing field to such a cosmic degree that Lex Luthor has taken it upon himself to destroy this enemy of the unfuckable. It was hard enough to get laid as an intelligent unattractive man before everybody expected men to have fabulous pectoral muscles and tight abdomens and high moral characters who treated everybody kindly, no matter what they looked like. Now it was next to impossible! But Luthor would come to the rescue (I know some people might be thinking, "Luthor? He's not really unattractive." But that's why he's bald. It's the metaphor for "unfuckable loser" in comic books)! Luthor is the man willing to martyr himself for the cause by killing the root cause of our unfuckableness. Once he takes out Superman, women will turn their eyes back toward mortal men. Of course their eyes will fall on faces like Chris Hemsworth and the other Hemsworths with other names (and sometimes other hair colors) instead of our community of Incels just waiting to be loved by a woman looking for a nice guy who will worship them.
Remember Revenge of the Nerds? Is that how you get a woman to fuck you? You trick them into thinking they're getting oral sex from their terrible quarterback boyfriend? Then after they've orgasmed because in this scenario I somehow know how to eat pussy successfully, they'll be in so much bliss that they won't call the police to have you arrested for oral rape, instead choosing to become your girlfriend? Man! Now I just have to figure out how to sneak my tongue into a woman's vagina! Also I need to figure out how to eat a pussy! Does it involve chewing? It must since it uses the verb "to eat" in the description. Also, do I absolutely have to know where the clitoris is? I hear it looks like a tiny dick. Do I have to put my mouth on that? That sounds gay. And if I were gay, I almost certainly wouldn't be an Incel. At least not after I'd come out of the closet. I suppose while in the closet, I'd totally be an Incel although women would probably like me better than this hetero version of being an Incel. That's probably a double standard that Lex Luthor could fix.
By Jurgens, Russell, Landis, Conrad, Thompson, Manapul, and Quintana
It's obvious Luthor is an Incel. His motivations make no sense otherwise. Here is Superman, the uncuckiest of the uncucky, come from outside Earth to fuck any woman he wants. Sure, he only chooses three (Lana, Lois, and Diana) but that doesn't stop all of the other Earth women expecting every man they meet to be as good as Superman. He's fucking unleveling the playing field to such a cosmic degree that Lex Luthor has taken it upon himself to destroy this enemy of the unfuckable. It was hard enough to get laid as an intelligent unattractive man before everybody expected men to have fabulous pectoral muscles and tight abdomens and high moral characters who treated everybody kindly, no matter what they looked like. Now it was next to impossible! But Luthor would come to the rescue (I know some people might be thinking, "Luthor? He's not really unattractive." But that's why he's bald. It's the metaphor for "unfuckable loser" in comic books)! Luthor is the man willing to martyr himself for the cause by killing the root cause of our unfuckableness. Once he takes out Superman, women will turn their eyes back toward mortal men. Of course their eyes will fall on faces like Chris Hemsworth and the other Hemsworths with other names (and sometimes other hair colors) instead of our community of Incels just waiting to be loved by a woman looking for a nice guy who will worship them.
Remember Revenge of the Nerds? Is that how you get a woman to fuck you? You trick them into thinking they're getting oral sex from their terrible quarterback boyfriend? Then after they've orgasmed because in this scenario I somehow know how to eat pussy successfully, they'll be in so much bliss that they won't call the police to have you arrested for oral rape, instead choosing to become your girlfriend? Man! Now I just have to figure out how to sneak my tongue into a woman's vagina! Also I need to figure out how to eat a pussy! Does it involve chewing? It must since it uses the verb "to eat" in the description. Also, do I absolutely have to know where the clitoris is? I hear it looks like a tiny dick. Do I have to put my mouth on that? That sounds gay. And if I were gay, I almost certainly wouldn't be an Incel. At least not after I'd come out of the closet. I suppose while in the closet, I'd totally be an Incel although women would probably like me better than this hetero version of being an Incel. That's probably a double standard that Lex Luthor could fix.
YAAAAAAS! My Incel queen! (Am I allowed to use that appropriated turn of phrase? Probably! I'm angry and resentful and my point of view is important!)
As Lex wanders around the Fortress of Solitude angrily jerking off on all of Superman's prized possessions (and hate fucking the top of the Bottle City of Kandor), he uses the term "so-called." This is the favorite phrase of mediocre and bad comic book writers. It gets so much bitter resentment and sexual frustration out in one simple phrase! Whenever I'm out shopping, I like to say things like "so-called bottle of ketchup" and "so-called farm style shredded cheese" and "so-called check-out slut." It doesn't mean much but it's like an emergency vent venting steam that would otherwise build up until I decided to finally pick up one of the many guns lying around America's gutters to shoot up my old high school. I know the girls there now aren't the ones who wouldn't fuck me but — let's face it — the ones there now aren't going to fuck me either! So remember, if you're an up and coming Incel writer, use this phrase as often as you can to indicate that the speaker is either way smarter than the person who used the "so-called" word in the first place or if the speaker is just a patronizing, cynical jerk (which is kind of just a restatement of my first example, really).
Lex has infiltrated the Fortress of Solitude to discover Superman's secret identity. Weird how discovering Clark Kent is Superman is harder than getting into a Fortress. Lex Luthor discovered Batman was Bruce Wayne when he learned Nightwing was Dick Grayson. But he hasn't learned Superman is Clark Kent when Clark Kent was the only one writing pro-Superman editorials for years on end while also writing all of the Superman news stories from Superman's point of view while also maintaining perfect abs and large pectoral muscles? Maybe Lex was thrown off because Clark Kent is such an obvious cuck. No way that unfuckable nerd was really out saving the world. I'm surprised learning the truth doesn't completely gall Lex. He should spend thirteen pages screaming, "How is that unfuckable four-eyed twit getting Lois Lane quality pussy while I'm stuck masturbating to that one time I saw my sister in the shower?! FUCK THIS WORLD AND FUCK SUPERMAN RIGHT IN HIS ASS AND NO THAT ISN'T A FANTASY I'M NOT GAY!"
At least Lex spares a few Narration Boxes to point out that Superman is an insipid loser who mocks Everyman by pretending to be just as unfuckable as the rest of us.
Lex has infiltrated the Fortress of Solitude to discover Superman's secret identity. Weird how discovering Clark Kent is Superman is harder than getting into a Fortress. Lex Luthor discovered Batman was Bruce Wayne when he learned Nightwing was Dick Grayson. But he hasn't learned Superman is Clark Kent when Clark Kent was the only one writing pro-Superman editorials for years on end while also writing all of the Superman news stories from Superman's point of view while also maintaining perfect abs and large pectoral muscles? Maybe Lex was thrown off because Clark Kent is such an obvious cuck. No way that unfuckable nerd was really out saving the world. I'm surprised learning the truth doesn't completely gall Lex. He should spend thirteen pages screaming, "How is that unfuckable four-eyed twit getting Lois Lane quality pussy while I'm stuck masturbating to that one time I saw my sister in the shower?! FUCK THIS WORLD AND FUCK SUPERMAN RIGHT IN HIS ASS AND NO THAT ISN'T A FANTASY I'M NOT GAY!"
At least Lex spares a few Narration Boxes to point out that Superman is an insipid loser who mocks Everyman by pretending to be just as unfuckable as the rest of us.
Yeah, extra cheese all over the side of the pizza box. Superman may get to stick his dick into Lois Lane's vagina but he's too stupid to carry a pizza box correctly.
Lex Luthor finally does what he should have done from the beginning: he begins blaming a woman. I guess before he was smart enough to figure out Superman's identity, he didn't know to target Lois Lane. But once he does, it's understandable that he can't believe she'd go for that piece of shit alien over the smartest man in the room. I mean on the planet. He might not get to fuck her the way Superman does (not that he ever could! We in the Incel community understand that if we ever do get to fuck, we're going to do it terribly. So now we have to worry about disappointing a woman in yet another way. Why do they get to judge if the sex is good or bad?!) but he'll make sure to fuck her in a really unsubtle metaphoric way!
It's practically our Incel motto: "If she wanted a man who's truly superior, she should have pursued me!"
I know I've been referring to those green Narration Boxes as Lex Luthor because they really should be Luthor's voice. But the comic has been pretty cagey about showing who it actually is (plus Superman figures it's Luthor on like page five. That's the biggest clue that it can't be Luthor! Clark isn't that smart). It's somebody in a wheelchair with Lex colored armor and a bald head who must use a respirator. So it might be Lex Luthor from the future or it might be Lex Luthor's sister, Lindsay. Or Labia. Whatever. But if it is his sister, she's a lesbian. Is she a lesbian? Probably since lesbian beings with "L".
If it's not Luthor, I'll be terribly disappointed because it's the one time Jurgens has ever gotten Lex's voice correct. He's pure Incel here! And who ever thought he was anything but? He even has a sex robot! Which doesn't count as having sex, of course. Because you can't degrade and shame a robot.
Later, Luthor attacks Lois personally. Except it's not his regular armor. It's big and bulky and fat. Plus the head in the helmet looks like it might be a hologram. And since the person who discovered Superman's identity used a hologram doohickey earlier, it's probably that person. I hope they name him General Incel.
Remember how the whole world thought Superman was Clark Kent but then Mxyzptlk helped clear it up with a fake Clark Kent? Shouldn't the person who just discovered Clark was Superman have thought, "Hey! We all knew the truth for a while but then we all got fooled by a lie later! It's like we all agreed to go back to being blue pilled!"
If I wasn't such a serious and real Incel, I might have had to make sure I was using the right color pill for that reference! Good thing I totally watch The Matrix like six times a week and didn't have to look up "red pill" on Urban Dictionary where I might find some asshat has put up a totally offensive definition like this: "When you are so insecure about not getting laid that you blame it on Jews and feminists." Fucking jerks.
Oh! Maybe this is the real Lex Luthor! It could be the Preboot Lex Luthor returned for Rebirth! That other Lex Luthor is a fraud and a cuck. We're finally getting the good old angry unfuckable Lex back now that DC Comics has slowly been smearing the Preboot universe over the New 52 universe like a grandmother who makes terrible peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by putting everything on the same slice of bread while thinking up long and convoluted metaphors so that she isn't paying close enough attention to the balance of spreads. Welcome back, King of All Incels!
Although being that it's Dan Jurgens writing this, it's almost definitely Lex Luthor from the future. Which is also fine as long as the ultimate outcome is a return to Lex being a gigantic dick for no apparent reason. At least no apparent reason to most lamestream readers who couldn't see the truth even if Morpheus forced it down their throats.
After a few more pages of battle, it turns out the majestic thinker from the beginning of the comic book was Lex from the future. He dies in the battle from a heart attack and then is consumed in an explosion so that Lex Luthor never discovers his hate lives on. Superman refuses to tell Luthor about it, assuming that Luthor from the future is some kind of an anomaly and not actually this Luthor from the future (which it has to be because that's how time works (except this is a comic book so that's not true at all (plus time travel isn't real so maybe it works like this?))). Or maybe since future Luthor just told Superman that he never, ever beats Superman, Superman doesn't give a shit about present Lex at all now. He now knows Lex will always fail so he turns his stupid Chad back on him. Fucking just like every Chad. They don't think I'm a threat to their sex life at all! As if they could fuck any girl they want while I have to stew in my own semen-laced resentment! Well, I'll show them some day! Someday they'll be sorry when I stop feeling like a huge beta and decide to be a gigantic disgrace to my parents and all of mankind!
I mean, that's what an anonymous person on a forum would probably say! But not me! I'm happy not being fucked by anybody and would never dream of taking out my failures on innocent bystanders! I'm totally stable!
The second story takes place at the White House Correspondents Dinner and is some kind of liberal claptrap bullpucky about how it's okay to laugh at stuff as long as you stick to really specific targets, like white males or white males who can't get fucked or virgin white males. Fucking Mark Russell thinks he's such a pussy hound with his great jokes and insightful glimpses into characters like Clark and Lois and Lex and Snagglepuss and Betty and Wilma.
If it's not Luthor, I'll be terribly disappointed because it's the one time Jurgens has ever gotten Lex's voice correct. He's pure Incel here! And who ever thought he was anything but? He even has a sex robot! Which doesn't count as having sex, of course. Because you can't degrade and shame a robot.
Later, Luthor attacks Lois personally. Except it's not his regular armor. It's big and bulky and fat. Plus the head in the helmet looks like it might be a hologram. And since the person who discovered Superman's identity used a hologram doohickey earlier, it's probably that person. I hope they name him General Incel.
Remember how the whole world thought Superman was Clark Kent but then Mxyzptlk helped clear it up with a fake Clark Kent? Shouldn't the person who just discovered Clark was Superman have thought, "Hey! We all knew the truth for a while but then we all got fooled by a lie later! It's like we all agreed to go back to being blue pilled!"
If I wasn't such a serious and real Incel, I might have had to make sure I was using the right color pill for that reference! Good thing I totally watch The Matrix like six times a week and didn't have to look up "red pill" on Urban Dictionary where I might find some asshat has put up a totally offensive definition like this: "When you are so insecure about not getting laid that you blame it on Jews and feminists." Fucking jerks.
Oh! Maybe this is the real Lex Luthor! It could be the Preboot Lex Luthor returned for Rebirth! That other Lex Luthor is a fraud and a cuck. We're finally getting the good old angry unfuckable Lex back now that DC Comics has slowly been smearing the Preboot universe over the New 52 universe like a grandmother who makes terrible peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by putting everything on the same slice of bread while thinking up long and convoluted metaphors so that she isn't paying close enough attention to the balance of spreads. Welcome back, King of All Incels!
Although being that it's Dan Jurgens writing this, it's almost definitely Lex Luthor from the future. Which is also fine as long as the ultimate outcome is a return to Lex being a gigantic dick for no apparent reason. At least no apparent reason to most lamestream readers who couldn't see the truth even if Morpheus forced it down their throats.
After a few more pages of battle, it turns out the majestic thinker from the beginning of the comic book was Lex from the future. He dies in the battle from a heart attack and then is consumed in an explosion so that Lex Luthor never discovers his hate lives on. Superman refuses to tell Luthor about it, assuming that Luthor from the future is some kind of an anomaly and not actually this Luthor from the future (which it has to be because that's how time works (except this is a comic book so that's not true at all (plus time travel isn't real so maybe it works like this?))). Or maybe since future Luthor just told Superman that he never, ever beats Superman, Superman doesn't give a shit about present Lex at all now. He now knows Lex will always fail so he turns his stupid Chad back on him. Fucking just like every Chad. They don't think I'm a threat to their sex life at all! As if they could fuck any girl they want while I have to stew in my own semen-laced resentment! Well, I'll show them some day! Someday they'll be sorry when I stop feeling like a huge beta and decide to be a gigantic disgrace to my parents and all of mankind!
I mean, that's what an anonymous person on a forum would probably say! But not me! I'm happy not being fucked by anybody and would never dream of taking out my failures on innocent bystanders! I'm totally stable!
The second story takes place at the White House Correspondents Dinner and is some kind of liberal claptrap bullpucky about how it's okay to laugh at stuff as long as you stick to really specific targets, like white males or white males who can't get fucked or virgin white males. Fucking Mark Russell thinks he's such a pussy hound with his great jokes and insightful glimpses into characters like Clark and Lois and Lex and Snagglepuss and Betty and Wilma.
Why can't we expect people without power to laugh at themselves? What's so special about powerful people and their lack of laughing?! P.S. I'm offended and slightly engorged by the coffee mug.
This is just a retelling of that time Seth Meyers bullied Donald Trump. I bet that cuck Seth Meyers is regretting that move now, right?! MAGA!
I swear I didn't laugh at any of Mark Russell's stupid jokes. Why do leftists always have to throw their agenda around? It makes their humor so terrible. Don't they know any good jokes about black men in suits and where they must obviously be?! Oh, but I guess it's not politically correct to assume black people are criminals now! It's not like that leads to a culture of systemic bias against...um, you know what? Those jokes are still funny.
The final story is by Max Landis and all I could think while reading this hippie Superman bullshit is, "Why isn't Frank Miller still writing Superman comic books?!"
Batman: White Knight #8
By Murphy and Hollingsworth
Is this a comic book about how everything Batman does is in service to trying to get laid? It's so obvious that when guys defend women's rights or claim to be feminists or obsessively fight for justice in the name of their murdered parents that they're just doing it to impress the ladies. Even if a guy declared he was a feminist and a woman was all, "Oh my! Do me in the thingy!" and he declined to do her in the thingy, I would suspect he was only declining in the hopes better looking women will be impressed by his staunch beliefs and ask him to do their thingy later. Not one heterosexual guy in the history of heterosexual guys has ever done anything that wasn't a move to get himself laid.
Which, sure, you might think is an odd belief coming from an Incel whose every expressed belief and conviction sounds like something you'd say if you were trying to never get laid ever again (or for the first time even). You'd think I'd look at the way white knights' armor is rusting from pussy juices and come to the conclusion that faking being suave and nice and kind and interesting and competent would be the better way to go if I wanted to stop being an Incel. Well, maybe you haven't been listening, Chad, but no matter what I do, I'll never get a woman to be interested in me because they're shallow jerks who only want to have sex with good looking or interesting or competent or kind or sexually experienced men! I know my place and I'm determined to prove my point that the world is stacked against me and women are shallow asses by digging this hole deeper and deeper! See how much I'm not getting laid? I think that proves my point!
In this series, The Joker concocted an intricate plan to save Gotham. At least that's what all the blue pilled sheep probably believe after reading it. But as I pointed out, everything every guy does is in service to getting laid. And Joker's big plan was simply to convince Harley that he wasn't a psychotic, abusive bastard so that she'll go back to fucking him. And it works!
Don't believe me? The cover even proves my point!
I swear I didn't laugh at any of Mark Russell's stupid jokes. Why do leftists always have to throw their agenda around? It makes their humor so terrible. Don't they know any good jokes about black men in suits and where they must obviously be?! Oh, but I guess it's not politically correct to assume black people are criminals now! It's not like that leads to a culture of systemic bias against...um, you know what? Those jokes are still funny.
The final story is by Max Landis and all I could think while reading this hippie Superman bullshit is, "Why isn't Frank Miller still writing Superman comic books?!"
Batman: White Knight #8
By Murphy and Hollingsworth
Is this a comic book about how everything Batman does is in service to trying to get laid? It's so obvious that when guys defend women's rights or claim to be feminists or obsessively fight for justice in the name of their murdered parents that they're just doing it to impress the ladies. Even if a guy declared he was a feminist and a woman was all, "Oh my! Do me in the thingy!" and he declined to do her in the thingy, I would suspect he was only declining in the hopes better looking women will be impressed by his staunch beliefs and ask him to do their thingy later. Not one heterosexual guy in the history of heterosexual guys has ever done anything that wasn't a move to get himself laid.
Which, sure, you might think is an odd belief coming from an Incel whose every expressed belief and conviction sounds like something you'd say if you were trying to never get laid ever again (or for the first time even). You'd think I'd look at the way white knights' armor is rusting from pussy juices and come to the conclusion that faking being suave and nice and kind and interesting and competent would be the better way to go if I wanted to stop being an Incel. Well, maybe you haven't been listening, Chad, but no matter what I do, I'll never get a woman to be interested in me because they're shallow jerks who only want to have sex with good looking or interesting or competent or kind or sexually experienced men! I know my place and I'm determined to prove my point that the world is stacked against me and women are shallow asses by digging this hole deeper and deeper! See how much I'm not getting laid? I think that proves my point!
In this series, The Joker concocted an intricate plan to save Gotham. At least that's what all the blue pilled sheep probably believe after reading it. But as I pointed out, everything every guy does is in service to getting laid. And Joker's big plan was simply to convince Harley that he wasn't a psychotic, abusive bastard so that she'll go back to fucking him. And it works!
Don't believe me? The cover even proves my point!
See? The focal point of the battle to save Gotham was the ice cannon. But the cover shows the ice cannon was really Joker's penis.
* * * * * * * * * *
Jokes for Incels!
Jokes for Incels!
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How the fuck should I know? I've never seen a woman screw anything.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
A woman!
Bullshit.
What's black and white and red all over?
A vagina? Maybe?
Thirty two horses on a red hill. First they champ then they stamp then they refuse to have sex with me. What are they?
Feminists.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" So the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Virgin Tom Collins?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, you loser!"
How the fuck should I know? I've never seen a woman screw anything.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
A woman!
Bullshit.
What's black and white and red all over?
A vagina? Maybe?
Thirty two horses on a red hill. First they champ then they stamp then they refuse to have sex with me. What are they?
Feminists.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" So the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Virgin Tom Collins?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, you loser!"
* * * * * * * * * *
A Few Parting Words
Some people might think it's funny to call somebody else a virgin. But those people are hurtful jerks. There's nothing funny about being a virgin. Not being able to have sex or feel intimacy with another person is the worst thing that can happen to a person. Some people might think, "Well then why don't you just pay for it already so that you stop thinking about it all of the time?" That might seem like an answer and maybe it actually is an answer because if I got laid, I'd feel relieved and a lot less anxious about it. But it's also not the answer because even if everything about our name, Involuntary Celibate, leads people to believe it's all about sex (and it totally is right up until somebody brings up the bit about going to a prostitute), we'll totally move the goalposts as soon as such an obvious answer to our problem is espoused. So it's not about sex at all! What we want is to be loved by a woman who doesn't make us throw up in our mouth a little bit when we look at her (even if we make her projectile vomit across the room by looking at us (or by just listening to our rhetoric)). We also might want a little bit of power over the fairer sex because even though people talk about the Patriarchy and how men have the power, that isn't the case because why am I not having loads of sex then? Women have all the power because they get to say no to our disgusting advances. And I'm tired of that! When do I get the power, hunh?! When do I get to dictate when I have sex?! Why is it always the woman who gets to say yes or no (and, by the way, they always say no which is why we need a new model for relationships!)?
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the whole Incel movement isn't about sex at all. If it was, there would be a simple solution: pay for it. And since I'm still a virgin (as are all the terrible people on the Incel Forum I frequent on an hourly basis to express my disappointment and rage), it sort of proves that we're not willing to accept a reasonable solution to ending our sexlessness. That's because it's all about power and we're going to gain that power one way or another. Women won't have sex with us? Well we're going to terrorize them until they do! That'll definitely work, right? MAGA!
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the whole Incel movement isn't about sex at all. If it was, there would be a simple solution: pay for it. And since I'm still a virgin (as are all the terrible people on the Incel Forum I frequent on an hourly basis to express my disappointment and rage), it sort of proves that we're not willing to accept a reasonable solution to ending our sexlessness. That's because it's all about power and we're going to gain that power one way or another. Women won't have sex with us? Well we're going to terrorize them until they do! That'll definitely work, right? MAGA!
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